Negotiating in Difficult Situations - Getting Past No

A practical no nonsense summary of the keys to successful negotiations, with examples. Having seen successful negotiations (in business) in the past, it was illustrative to see how they fit cleanly into the framework described by this book.

If you are suffering bulling in school, going through a divorce, need to help a son who can't seem to stop using drugs, or you see yourself negotiating a difficult deal, Ury offers some proven breakthrough strategy for you to be successful. The practical method has 5-step, namely:

1. Wait. When the other party attacks your idea or even you personally, you don't react. You do not to take anything personally. You don't lose sight of your goal or want to have accomplished when the negotiation is finished.
2. Don't argue. Your goal at this stage is to disarm him by stepping to his side.
3. Reframe. Simply change the game. Just be creative to change the attack he made to you as an attack to the problem at hand.
4. Build a golden bridge. Look at him as if he were a string. You don't push him; you simply pull him. You make it easy for the other side to say yes.
5. Use the power to Educate. Make it hard for the other side to say NO. What you want is to use the power to bring them down to their senses, not to their knees. The truth is, reaching an agreement is one thing: implementing the agreement is another.

If you are facing a tough situation that know you will have to negotiate and, deep in your heart, you don't want to win over them, but to win them over, then this book is for you.

William Ury wrote here an excellent sequel on the bestseller "Getting to Yes" and expands hereby the negotiation tools set to be more equipped towards dealing with the difficult person in a negotiaton (or situation).

The book follows 5 steps. It covers basic communication styles to diffuse the situation and elements to boost your BATNA (your best alternative) overall. The content list of his book gives already some ideas of this approach. The book covers these 5 steps in a schematic way, by being brief and very much to the point. Compact written and easy to assimilate.

William Ury does also give the course "Dealing with Difficult People and Difficult Situations" at the Program on Negotiation (PON) at Harvard Law School. This course follows also these 5 steps as illustrated here in this book. He is certainly a highly experienced and empathic speaker. He is a great person to come across and therefore I am not surprised he wrote a excellent book like this.

I certainly highly recommend his book, his negotiation course, as well as William Ury as public speaker/trainer.

Content:
Overview: Negotiating with difficult people

Step 1: Go to the balcony (Don't react)
- Keep your eyes on the prize
o Identify your interests
o Identify your BATNA
o Decide if your should negotiate
o Stay focused on your goal
- Name the game
- Buy time to think
o Pause and say nothing
o Rewind the tape
o Take a time-out
o Don't make important decisions on the spot

Step 2: Step to their side (Disarm them)
- Listen actively
o Give your opponent a hearing
o Paraphrase and ask for corrections
- Acknowledge the point & the person
o Acknowledge your opponent's feelings
o Offer an apology
- Agree wherever you can
o Agree without conceding
o Accumulate Yeses
o Tune in to your opponent's wavelength
- Acknowledge the person
o Acknowledge his authority and competence
- Express your views without provoking
o Don't say BUT, say YES...AND
o Make I statements, not you-statements
o Step up for yourself
o Acknowledge your differences with optimism

Step 3: Don't reject....reframe (Change the game)
Step 4: Build them a golden bridge (Make it easy to say YES)
Step 5: Educate, don't escalate (Make it easy to say NO)
Conclusion: Turning adversaries into partners
Analytical table of contents

A brilliant book. Although "Getting to Yes" was very good, I feel that this surpasses it in several respects.

> This book is simpler. It is an easier, faster read. I found "Getting to Yes" was quite slow and details heavy.
> This book has more personality. I think this is because it was written by a single author, which allows his 'voice' to come through more.
> This book is more practical. After reading this, I felt ready to negotiate - and I did! "Getting to Yes", because of all the detail, was more overwhelming, and although i did also have practical tips, it felt more theoretical overall.
> This book is more realistic. The biggest challenge in a negotiation is the initial "no" we encounter. This book was much more insightful about that part of the process.
> This book is about more than negotiation. Whereas "Getting to Yes" felt quite technical at times, this book was written in such a way that it feels like you are actually learning more about deeper people skills that you can use in many situations.

This is the best negotiation book I have ever read (and I've read just about all of them).

Although it's a quick & highly enjoyable read, its deeper wisdom will stay with you for life.

William Ury is a not only an experienced high-level negotiator but an acute student of his art who can distill his wisdom into concise, memorable lessons. This book is indispensable for anyone who wants to do well in negotiations, formal or informal, without humiliating or destroying the other side. For Ury and his disciples, Win-Win is not a feel-good aspiration but a profitable practice. As a negotiation style which builds relationships while getting things done, Win-Win is a cornerstone of the "Sustainable Workstyles" we teach at MayoGenuine.
A key insight of his method is the possibility of being "soft on the people, hard on the problem." Negotiation is often associated with macho words like "bruising," "hard nosed," and "marathon" that it is easy to forget negotiation is not war pursued by other means. We negotiate as an alternative to battle, not as another version of it. Everyone wants an acceptable outcome and! would prefer to get to it without being harmed. Ury techniques for separating the issues from the personalities help produce resolutions without unnecessary upsets and leave all involved willing to negotiate another day.
Many books and articles use familiar examples from the news to illustrate their points. The difference with Getting Past No is that when Ury talks about the Cuban missile crisis is is with the authority of one who was in the room with JFK. He has also participated in labor negotiations, mergers and conversations with his children. His research and personal authority inform every suggestion.
If you are ready to reduce the time you spend capitulating and combating, if you are ready to start taking responsibility for crafting Win-Win agreements, then reading and applying this short book is your best start.

GETTING PAST NO by William Ury is well written and will become a classic must-read if it is not already. The book is brief, easy-to-read yet is strinkingly powerful and useful. The primary benefit from reading this book is how pratical it is. You can use the tools, tactics, and concepts in this book in professional life, business or even to negotiate with friends. In summary, if you want to improve your ability to negotiate, you would be doing yourself a very big favor by acquiring a copy of this book.

HIGHLIGHTS:

The aim of a negotiation is to reach a mutually beneficial outcome for the parties involved. To accomplish that end, you must identify your interests and your prize (desireable outcome). Further, you must also accurately identify your "opponent's" interests as well. What concerns might the other party have? Needs? A person's needs can be tangible as well as intangible such as the need to safe-face or be respected.

The strategy to negotiate effectively to reach a mutually beneficial outcome include (1) an objective and honest analysis of the negotiation and the process; (2) understanding the other party or parties by seeing the situation from their perspective; (3) reframing the negotiation to focus on satisfying interests and not on "positional statements;" (4) make it difficult for the other side to say no by building a "golden bridge" by acknowledging, involving, and respecting the other side; (5) bringing the other side to their senses by educating them on the consequences from not reaching a mutually satisfying agreement.

CLOSING

--

In closing, the organization of the book and the clarity in which the concepts are explained really add to the value of the book and makes it easier for readers to apply the material. A useful tool is the BATNA, which is your Best Alternative To a Negotiated Agreement; this is your measuring tool for the agreement you reach. It is also important to identify as well as develop one's BATNA when necessary to determine whether or not one should even negotiate. The author explains negotiations superbly, and virtually every aspect is covered from tactics (obstructive, offensive, depective) to pratical steps to draw the other side in to the negotiation process. I quite confidently recommend this book.

I hope the above was useful,

Clovis

The following sections of the paper will analyze a portion of Ury's book, Getting Past No: Negotiating in Difficult Situations and provide the reader with the major points. This section primarily focuses on specific tactics the reader can use when having to make a decision quickly and under pressure. In most instances all negotiations can go one of two ways. The negotiation can come out clean and be smooth sailing; or the negotiation can be related to rough waters. One person is reacting to what the other person has to say and vice versa. As each individual reacts it starts to become a snowball effect and an argument comes into play. When under pressure, it is only natural for an individual to react; Ury offers tactics to reframe the reader when they are in such positions.
There are three natural reactions an individual will use when in a tense and difficult situation. The first reaction is to "strike" back at the person you are arguing against (Ury 33). Both individual always have comments readily available and they are likely to use them when the other person confronts with a negative comment. Ury informs the reader that in the long run when using this reaction it usually weakens and hurts most long-term relationships. The second reaction Ury explains is "giving in" to your defendant (Ury 34). Ury informs his readers that using this reaction method, consequentially results with an insignificant conclusion. An individual using the "give in" reaction gives them a weak reputation, as they are known for being able to be taken advantage and by falling each time, the individual is never moving forward; they are either going backwards or staying put and never moving up. The final reaction is known as "breaking off" (Ury 35). When in a challenging position an individual avoids everything and nothing is achieved in the end, except that the individual may have just lost an important contact that could have opened new doors. Just like the "give in" reaction, "breaking off" also leaves a person not moving forward, only backwards.
All of the above reactions have serious consequences and more so reacting to a situation throws an individual off course from achieving what they intended to in the beginning. To counteract this process of reacting in negative ways, Ury uses the phrase, "go to the balcony" (Ury 37). Ury explains to his readers that the "balcony" is being used as an analogy for taking time to disengage the individual's mindset and to clearly see all the terms involved before making a decision under pressure (Ury 38). Ury explains that there are three main tactics and recognizing them will buy the individual time he or she needs to make a proper decision.
When one party decides there is only one-way or no way they are applying the "stone wall" tactic (Ury 40). This tactic is frustrating to the other side as neither side is moving forward with anything. The second tactics used are "attacks" (Ury 40). An individual will pressure the opponent to no end until they call it quits and give in. Threatening is a common "attack" tactic. The third tactic Ury informs the reader, are "tricks" (Ury 40,41). An individual may use the other person's weak points to their advantage and have the opponent fall into their trap. To prevent being taken advantage by these tactics, one needs to identify them and acknowledge how to avoid them. By ignoring the person and their tactics, they individual having to make the decision, shows they will not fall into the other person's trap and this will decrease chances for one to take advantage of you.
Another main point, Ury explains to his readers is to not respond right away or to respond by saying nothing. By doing this, the person making the decision in Ury's terms can, "go to the balcony." When a person is under pressure he or she usually fall for tactics without realizing it right away, only to find in the long run. Ury educates his readers further by telling them to ask questions or simply take a short break when needing more time negotiating and coming up with a quick response. All in all, when deciding on a decision, an individual should never make it right away, a decision should be thought out carefully without pressure for coming up with an answer right away. In the end, the person making the decision wants what is best for them and their team, not the person offering the proposition.
The main points stated above of the guru can be applied in any situation that involves negotiating or even when an argument occurs. When a situation full of pressure and needed answers arrive, by applying all of Ury's methods and identifying the correct tactics an answer can be decided upon in a timely fashion. Knowing how to avoid having your emotions take the best of you and caving in before internalizing all of the details and fine print is the most important concept to keep in mind before making a final decision.
Getting Past No: Negotiating in Difficult Situations by Ury is a book that everyone could benefit from if they read it. When reading the book, I was able to think back and realize when I should have applied certain methods such as "going to the balcony" and when I should have been on the outlook for certain tactics and knowing how to properly go around them, without creating more conflict. After thinking about what this guru explained in his book, I am able to relate and feel confident when a problematic situation arises in the future. I can take charge without backing down or caving in.

Best-selling author William Ury has the topic of negotiation down cold. Reading this classic book (originally released in 1991) is a pleasure and the reasons it became a bestseller are obvious: It is clear, concise and eminently readable. This book has such wide appeal that getAbstract recommends it to all businesspeople and to anyone who ever needs to negotiate about anything - from cops bargaining with hostage takers to consumers pushing for the best car prices. Read this book and become a better negotiator.

I am still astonished on how this book summarized the reasons of many of my past successes and how easily it pinpointed the reasons why I failed. PEOPLE! We always get down to people! I read both books, "Getting to Yes" and "Getting Past No" and before I read this one I thought I was going to read the "sequel" of the first one, but in reality Mr. Ury expressed himself (more than 10 years later) with more than just another view to the same problem. He managed to synthesize and put also his heart in divising a pathway for normal people (like you and me) to effectively get positive results in all possible difficult relationships and situations (personal, professional, etc.). This book plus "Difficult Conversations" are two must reads for persons really concerned in managing PEOPLE and PEOPLE PROBLEMS.

Sometimes I'm tempted to tell people to bypass Getting to Yes and just go straight to this spin-off. It imparts the same essence of mutual-gains negotiation, and additionally includes lessons in good basic strategy for dealing with others' negotiation tactics, tricks, and attacks. While Getting to Yes gives you the foundation of principle-centered negotiation, this book focuses on what to do when that principle-centered negotiation breaks down due to the other side's deceitful, confused, or just plain difficult behavior. If this were a sales book, it would be called something like "Dealing with Sales Objections," but as a negotiation book, it's even more effective: It addresses ways of identifying and dealing with common barriers we all face when trying to strike deals.
Getting Past No has the same concise, pithy style as Getting to Yes, which makes the tactics sound a lot simpler than they prove to be when you try to put them into practice. But as an analysis of difficult negotiation and as a general roadmap to the land of "Don't get mad, don't get even, get what you want!", it really can't be beat.

wow... I was leading a new contract negotiation with one of our clients who takes pride for being a tough negotiator. The deal was complex and the negotiator had interests that were not in sync with the rest of his organization. Needless to say, I felt defeated and frustrated at the end of the negotiations. So, I got on the store and started researching books on negotiations and after reading many reviews and learning about the author, I picked this book. I read it in one weekend and could not put it down.
I applied the principals of this book during a recent difficult situation and amazingly they worked! All parties interests were met.
We have a team meeting next week where everyone on my team will be getting a copy of this book as gift.

"Getting Past No" further elaborates on the ideas based on Ury's first book "Getting to Yes." I read it front to back, probably 4-5 times now and I take something new from it everytime. The best thing about this book is that it bridges the gap between negotiation models and conflict resolution books--something that I've seen very little of on the bookshelf. The techniques that Ury offers are not industry specific and can be applied to both business, professional, or interpersonal relationships. He also writes it in a very easy to understand format, with each chapter being a new step in the process. Ury is right on when he says that overcoming difficult people are one of the biggest obstacles in a negotiation and his approach is the benchmark that I have been using in my own teachings and in my own book.

I recently embarked on a project to improve my negotiating skills. I read about half a dozen books and for the most part they left me wanting more. The main thing that was missing was a PROCESS.
"Getting Past NO" provides a simple, proven and repeatable process that you can take with you and hone in the real world.
Mr. Ury calls this process--Breakthrough Negotiation. The steps are:
1) Go to the balcony
2) Step to their side
3) Reframe
4) Build them a golden bridge
5) Use power to educate
The book is very well written with excellent examples and wonderful stories and metaphors. The book is well organized and provides an excellent summary that helps ensure that you "get it".

A worthy followup to Getting to Yes. Was also recommended to me by a prof in my MBA program. This short book goes pretty in debt on how to effectively handle negotiations with difficult people and get things moving. The two book collection should be mandatory yearly reading for all business people, not just once, but once a year.

This book should be a must-read for anybody interested or involved not only in negotiation, but also in business, conflicts, diplomacy and interactions between people.
It is several years ago I read the book the first time, but still every week, if not very day, I find use for its principles.
This book along with Frank Bettger's classic on selling have proved to be the most important all-purpose books to my life and career.

I coach and assist in mediator training and at the beginning of our training, we use Fisher & Ury's Interest-based negotiation model. The question invariably comes up: what if one party shoes no goodwill? what if they use dirty tricks?
There are many possible answers to that question. Most of them are so involved that one can get lost in the middle of the argument. This book is simply the best answer I have found to that question.
I have had this book on top of my pile of negotiation and interpersonal human skills resources for five years. I think it will stay there for a long time to come.

ASIN:0553371312 Getting Past No. This is an easy to read book for those who wish to understand more than the 'Win-Win, Win-Lose, etc, type of negotiation. It gives great background when one is trying to iniate a student into the area of negotation. I was able to give short, clear explanations to my daughter, who periodially wanted to know what book I was reading. If negotiation is taught in schools, this one should be a text book.
]]Getting to Yes Is definitely the partner to Getting Past No.

I found this book helpful because it is concise, skill based (that is I gained skills, not just theory) and provides real world examples. Not as deep or scientific as Crucial Confrontations, but a perfect sized resource that I will refer to over and over.

Getting Past No focuses on creating situations where parties are able to leave the negotiating table with agreements that are favorable to both sides. This book was reading for a negotiations course and the author, William Ury, is incredibly skillful at clarifying complexity. Since most negotiations begin with a no before getting to a yes, Getting Past No is an invaluable reference before approaching any negotiation. Reframing perspectives, recognizing needs and resolving conflict are some of the topics covered in this book.

I'm working through a difficult family situation and while this book did not really furnish any examples approximating my own circumstances, it still makes a strong contribution that will help me/us a lot. I'm a big fan of the Harvard Program on Negotiation and always enjoy the related literature like Getting to Yes, The Power of a Positive No, Beyond Reason, Difficult Conversations, Bargaining with the Devil and this one: Getting Past No.

I found this book helpful because it is concise, skill based (that is I gained skills, not just theory) and provides real world examples. Not as deep or scientific as Crucial Confrontations, but a perfect sized resource that I will refer to over and over.

Getting Past No focuses on creating situations where parties are able to leave the negotiating table with agreements that are favorable to both sides. This book was reading for a negotiations course and the author, William Ury, is incredibly skillful at clarifying complexity. Since most negotiations begin with a no before getting to a yes, Getting Past No is an invaluable reference before approaching any negotiation. Reframing perspectives, recognizing needs and resolving conflict are some of the topics covered in this book.

I'm working through a difficult family situation and while this book did not really furnish any examples approximating my own circumstances, it still makes a strong contribution that will help me/us a lot. I'm a big fan of the Harvard Program on Negotiation and always enjoy the related literature like Getting to Yes, The Power of a Positive No, Beyond Reason, Difficult Conversations, Bargaining with the Devil and this one: Getting Past No.

A seminal work in the practice of negotiating. Just because you want one result does not mean the party you are negotiating with wants the opposite result. Often there are commonalities or unrelated goals. By seeing what your "negotiation partner" wants, and especially why, a win/win solution becomes possible. Good stuff!

Everyone negotiates every day over many different issues. From international crisis to who gets to use the bathroom first in the morning, negotiating successfully can mean the satisfying resolution of disputes. William Ury has created a practical guide to negotiation that, if practiced, will yield great agreements without angst. A win-winner!

very practical and also very tactical and intellectual for those seeking that kind of perspective.
most effective in dealing with dishonest, manipulative and those who consistently do not fulfill thier stated promises.

The book was in the exact condition that the seller described which is the most important thing about doing business on this site to me. I appreciate dealing with fair business people and I am happy with my purchase.

I bought this book expecting to see a refinement or elaboration of the strategies explained in, "Getting to Yes!". I was extremely disapointed!

The first step, "Go to the balcony" basically says to take a time-out to get some perspective. Come on! Negotiations happen quickly. How often do we have the luxury of "sleeping on it". I need a strategy that can be used on the fly.

There is too much focus on being congenial: "Acknowledge their point/feelings", "Offer an Apology", "Agree Wherever You Can". Sure it's important to understand their interests, but don't compromise yourself just to make them happy. Getting to yes puts it much better, "Soft on then people, hard on the problem".

Skip this book. If looking for a great negotiation book, then buy "Getting to Yes".