All My Puny Sorrows

This is memorable, clever, sad and, at times, humorous, examination of relationships within and surrounding a Mennonite family, especially the relationship between sisters. I will not forget this book!

The relationships portrayed are like prisms…multi-faceted and far reaching. Pain, pleasure and everyday living give this story a likeness to anyone's life. The characters ring true and the reader is faced with feelings of heavy baggage, self doubt, hopefulness, grim acceptance sprinkled with humor.
I found, in some area, the descriptions to be over the top, trying to make comments in every direction, rather than leaving it a bit simpler and a bit more believable.
The author craftily gives the characters such familiar traits that it is possible to personalize some of the pathos in their lives.
The story is quick moving and the complexities of the characters are done beautifully. I enjoyed this book and would recommend it to those who enjoy a slice of different lives and the trials of the human spirit.

Suicide is difficult reading matter for some, however, this author and main character handle it well. I enjoyed the storyline and all the characters were interesting and individual. The relationship between the sisters was especially moving. A good read

This book was mostly depressing, with a few moments of humor. I did not care for any of the characters and was glad when I finally finished the story. Having said that, the writing was very good. It sparked a lively discussion in our book club, but be prepared to get depressed. It was helpful to learn that the story was based on the author's life.

Not good and not bad--just so totally ordinary, more like reading a very long magazine article. I expect more from a novel--to be enlightened in some way, not just to collect information about people.

I don't mind a dark, depressing novel. (Spoiler Alert coming) The only reason I kept reading it was to see if Elf would kill herself or if her sister would follow through as requested. I did not find it at all plausible that a 3 time suicide attemptee would be on her first visit home left alone by her husband so that she could step out in front of a train. Nor did I even remotely understand Elf's reason for wanting to die. I get mental illness, but we never got a very clear view of why she was depressed.

Well, this book is well-named, reducing what might have been a tale of family tragedies to endless annoyance, lost in vague motivations of indistinguishable characters about whom we learn nothing from beginning to end, and apparently they don't, either.

Miriam Toews has done it again. Her latest book is touching and funny, sad and life-affirming, thought-provoking and nuanced. Drawing on her own personal experience it’s the story of two close and loving sisters. Yolandi and Elfrieda. Elf is a gifted pianist, happily married, but prey to depression and an urge to kill herself. Yoli is committed to keeping her alive. But is the kindest thing, the right thing, perhaps to let her sister go? Perceptive and wise, with totally believable characters, the novel tackles serious issues with compassion and a deep understanding of the complexities of family life and loyalties, the heartbreak of mental illness, and the trauma of suicide and how it affects everyone concerned.

“Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad.”
― Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

This is the best book I've read all year. The mastery of heart ripping is ripe in this. As someone who suffers from Depression it was interesting to read. The author really lets you see both sides of depression so well. On one hand I was on the families side and furious at Elf for being so damn selfish. Then by the next chapter I would be in Elf's corner yelling" Just let her go already!" For me this book made the topic of depression/suicide impossible to solve, and I kind of like it for that. Sometimes there is no right and wrong, there just is.

Note: I received this book for free in exchange for an honest review.

P.S- This title is perfection.

Yolandi and Elfrieda are sisters raised in an isolated, stifling, patriarchal community of Russian Mennonite immigrants in rural Canada. Their parents buy Elf a forbidden piano to give her an outlet, and she pours everything into her music, leaving home at 17 to study in Oslo, eventually becoming a world-renowned concert pianist. But her life is weighed down by the crippling pain of depression, and she ends up in the hospital after yet another suicide attempt.

In All My Puny Sorrows by Miriam Toews, everyone sees Elf as one of those people who have it all: beauty, talent, success, admiration among her peers and the public. Why could she possibly want to die? Even her own sister thinks this way and tells her so constantly, alternatively begging her to stay and berating her for wanting to die.

But this book isn’t really about Elf. It’s about Yoli, going through her own struggles to keep everything together. She’s been divorced once and is going through another. She can’t seem to finish her latest book, a first departure from a string of mildly-successful YA novels. Her son has left home for college, and her daughter is only a few years away from the same. Her mother is getting older and has had numerous health problems. She already lost Elf once, in a way, when Elf left home at 17. She can’t consider life without her big sister.

This is the first book I’ve read that so beautifully and painfully represents both sides. Yoli does everything she can to let Elf know how much she needs her to stay, to be strong, to fight to get better, which paradoxically only makes it harder for Elf, but what else is she supposed to do? How can she stop fighting for her sister’s life?

But Elf is in gut-wrenching pain and sees no other escape. The only treatment she’s presented with are all the things that only bring her more anguish. She doesn’t want to talk. She doesn’t want to eat. She doesn’t want to be around anyone or to hear about how much they love her and need her to survive.

I know that pain. Depression is like being in an abusive relationship with yourself. When it’s bad, you can’t even consider any way to escape. When it’s good, you live in constant fear of that next strike, fear that the next time will be worse, fear that one day, it will kill you. You try to be better, to do better, hoping the relationship will improve, but that hope eventually turns to despair with the realization that it’s never going to change, that the next bad time isn’t a question of if but instead a matter of when.

But I also knew that I couldn’t talk to anyone about any of this. The stigma — personal and professional and financial — was such a powerful deterrent that I couldn’t even bring myself to try to find out what was going so horribly wrong in my own mind, didn’t understand until a few years ago that I had depression and had been going through episodes since I was 8 years old.

Miriam Toews brilliantly addresses the bumbling ways that we as a society treat people with mental health issues: like children crying out for structure and tough love; like tragic figures to coddle lest we upset them; like criminals to be locked up, taking away their freedom so they can’t hurt themselves, or more likely, so they can’t hurt us. One of my favorite quotes came after Yoli and Elf’s aunt was admitted to the cardio ward of the same hospital after having a heart attack. Yoli notices how differently their aunt is treated, how differently the doctors and nurses speak to her. In her narration, Yoli says, “If you have to end up in the hospital, try to focus all your pain in your heart rather than your head.”

The whole book is full of insights and music and poetry and literature. It’s full of laughter and pain. Most of all, it’s full of life, and respect for all of the different ways we experience our lives. It’s one of the best books I’ve read this year, and I know it will stay with me for a long time.

I’m writing this review a few hours after learning of Anthony Bourdain’s death. At times like this, I’m thankful for the community of lovable weirdos here at CBR and Pajiba, and I come here to console and to be consoled. I weep for my own loss, for his family and friends, but I’m shattered for him and the pain he must have been going through. We need to do better to get help for those who want it and to be compassionate with those who may be beyond our help. I’m trying to start with myself. It ain’t easy, but what else are we supposed to do?

(This review was originally posted as part of Cannonball Read 10: Sticking It to Cancer, One Book at a Time.)