The Haunted Vagina

Up until two days ago, I had never heard of Carlton Mellick III and his work. That all changed when my Facebook wall was bombarded by countless posts about his book, The Haunted Vagina. I'll admit, the title drew me in, the cover hooked me, and after going back and forth in the comments section of one of those posts, I just HAD to check this book out.

When I first made my way to the book's the store page, I noticed two things; first, the book is 100 pages long and second, the cost for the Kindle version was $5. Personally, I think that's a bit steep for the number of pages and considering I don't know this author. Had it been a Dakota Cassidy book, I wouldn't have hesitated to buy it, but this was not the case.

Still, I was very intrigued, so I sampled the first page. After reading that one page, and laughing at the absurdity of what I was reading, I 1-clicked that sucka! It was on! I decided, because so many people were talking about the book, but no one was actually buying it, that I would do a tweet by tweet account of my experience as I read my copy - something I have never done before, but felt this was the perfect book to do it with. (And can I just say that I have never been retweeted as much as when I did this.)

Thus began my strange and unusual journey into the mind of Carlton Mellick. Bizarre doesn't even begin to describe The Haunted Vagina. It is a twisted tale of a mean, bossy girl named Stacey and her spineless boyfriend Steve, who gets coerced into entering Stacey's vagina after an odd oral sex session ends up with a full grown skeleton coming OUT of Stacey's vagina.

The details are what make this book great. The play by play of Steve getting stripped, shaved, lubed, and then inserted into Stacey was morbidly fascinating - those were my favorite parts, whenever something came in or out of Stacey. The other world that's inside Stacey - with skeletons, and anime-demon-looking girls, is so vividly written; it's strange yet beautiful at the same time.

During my conversations on Facebook, many people expressed concern that this book was going to be misogynistic. Now, I'm not overly sensitive to those kinds of things, but because so many people mentioned it, I was more aware while reading than I normally would be. Personally, I don't think the story was misogynistic. There was a particular part where some people might feel that way, but the only reason why I picked up on it was because we talked about misogyny. Otherwise I wouldn't have really noticed - I wasn't offended by any of it. If anything, I would say the story as a whole is more misandrogynistic.

But like I said, I'm not overly sensitive and have nothing negative to say about The Haunted Vagina. I found it to be very creative, unusual, morbid, funny as hell, and just about the best thing I've ever read. Definitely worth the $5. The only thing that would make The Haunted Vagina better, is if they turned it into a movie. But not produced the way movies are produced nowadays. It would have to be done in the style of an 80's B horror movie complete with music, lighting, and special effects from that decade. And no editing or altering of the manuscript - it needs to be done as is! That would be the most amazing thing in the entire world.

Tweet by Tweet account of The Haunted Vagina:

1. I don't blame you buddy, I'd be scared too...then again, I do like the macabre so I may not be so scared.
2. How do u not notice your GF's vagina is haunted? Were they hiding? Lulling you into a false sense of security?
3. Next time someone is near a vagina, can ya tell me if it's like listening to the ocean? Thanks!
4. "How did a ghost get in there?" Right? How does one get accustomed to wailing coming from your lady parts?
5. “What’s a priest going to do? Stick a cross up there and cast the spirits out?” Sounds like a porn I once saw...
6 There's nothing sexier than a crusty lower lip.
7. "I didn’t even consider leaving her because of her ghost vagina." Now THAT'S love!
8. Consumed by her? Oh, not yet, buddy. Not yet. But you will be!
9. She thought you were cute and SMALL? She was sizing you up from the beginning!
10. Kinda mean. He can't be in her band & the weird things she does that he finds cute, she finds annoying in him.
11. "She's the best person in the world to be around when she's happy." Oh uh...
12. Why can't she just blow him? Unless her mouth is haunted too...
13. Only the vagina is haunted, people. Her butt is ghost-free!
14. Yeah, I'd imagine you'd be scared of giving her oral...
15. ...she calls her clit "glowworm" - Does it glow in the dark?
16. What a wackadoodle! She's making fish faces at him while they 69!? *snorts* I think her brain is also haunted.
17. and you're just as weird for getting turned on by her fish face!!! #CantStopLaughing
18. Earthquake!? Look out, she's gonna erupt!
19. Oh shoot, they know his name!
20. Whoa, and he's still going at it. The things Steve does for love...
21. Thriller is playing in the background while I read this LOL.
22. OMGGGG - is her stomach gonna rip open!? You guys are that sex deprived that you don't stop to investigate?
23. OHMIGOD A HAND JUST EXPLODED OUT OF HER VAGINA!!!
24. They need to make this into a movie!
25. Finally, you're afraid of your own vagina! And it only took a skeleton coming out of you to instill fear.
26. ...is it cold in there?
27. I wouldn't be surprised of that skeleton turned out to be one of her ex boyfriends that fell in.
28. What is he supposed to do!? Just finish giving birth to that damn skeleton, woman!
29. "I pick up a turtle-shaped lamp & hit the skeleton with it." - Guess that's something u could do. Not much help...
30. Sure hope mixing your blood with the corpse doesn't result in something.
31. OH it's growing flesh now. Yeah, blood does that to skeletons trying to scurry out of haunted vaginas.
32. and here comes the organs...
33. OMG - she had an imaginary friend at 6 that would come out of her vagina! Betcha it was that skeleton.
34. Aww poor Stacey, her haunted vagina scared away her first love! (*snorts*)
35. Whoa! Her arm is in there all the way to her elbow!!!
36. Girl, I ain't looking inside ur vagina where a full grown skeleton came out a few hours earlier! #CrayCray
37. Of course you can't say no to her. Gawd, Steve, can you be any more spineless?
38. What, suddenly you're not scared of her vagina?
39. Don't think regular sex with Stacey is gonna work anymore. Better buy some BIG insertion toys
40. "The more I drink, the more retarded I become." Uh, yeah Steve. YEAH!
41. Don't do it, man! You don't wanna go in there!
42. If you love me, you'll climb inside my vagina.
43. WHO will climb inside, Steve? No one else would do it! Things are climbing OUT not IN!
44. How do you know nothing's gonna happen to him? Have your had other boyfriends climb inside your vagina before?
45. Duh, Steve - you can't go inside with your clothes on. Everyone knows THAT.
46. Why are you taking your clothes off, Stacey? You're not going in with him.
47. Am I the only 1 that thinks this is a trick & she's just feeding her BFs 2 her vagina? Surefire way 2 serial kill.
48. “What if I suffocate? What if you stop being stretchy once I’m in there?” - Legit concerns.
49. "It's going to happen whether you like it or not." - Uh, I don't think u can FORCE someone to climb inside ur vajayjay.
50. You seriously just cut off all his hair? And you let her!? DUDE!
51. I really just wanna pop this crazy chick in the mouth!
52. HOLY BOB!!!
53. ...whoa... :-O O_o
54. LMAO! Human penis! BAHAHAHAHA!
55. "Maybe it leads to another vagina. Maybe this is a tunnel between dimensions connected by two women’s vaginas." - How great is this book?
56. He sees sky!
57. There's termites in there!? Guess I shouldn't be surprised, after all, there's a SKY in there.
58. Gawd, this popcorn bag is harder to open than Stacey's vagina.
59. She put pants on!!! Why!? Cuz she's trying to trap him in her vagina!!! #KnewIt
60. Why da hell are you driving, chick!? You know your BF crawled inside your damn vagina! He's bound to come out!
61. We're calling it "the womb world"
62. Oh sure, just walk on the skeleton residue like it's nothing.
63. She wants him to go back inside! I hope one of the "supplies" she bought was a damn ladder!
64. ROFLMAO! She wants to assemble a team of people that'll go INSIDE HER VAGINA!!!! I can't with this book!
65. This is like a perverse sequel to Honey I Shrunk the Kids.
66. "What, are you going to invite some spelunkers over and spread your legs for them." - Apparently...
67. "I'm not camping out in your vagina overnight." This is the funniest ish I've ever read in my entire life!
68. "Not in my vagina. In my womb." Oh, well ok then!
69. Masturbation can kill in The Haunted Vagina.
70. Haha, Steve just peed on a tree inside her womb. *snorts* (why do I find that so funny? I have no clue, but I do!)
71. Sure those trees look normal enough, but they're inside your GF's womb. Just saying...
72. Steve, take a selfie!
73. Is that table supposed to be made out of one of Stacey's eggs?
74. It's a latex-skinned anime character that lives inside Stacey.
75. Anime girl's name is Fig and she has no nipples.
76. Oh shoot, what's she gonna do to him?
77. Whaaaat? I don't even know what I'm reading anymore! But it's freaking fantastic!
78. Things just got weird...err...weirder than they already were.
79. Dude, I think you're reaching.
80. Whoa, now he hates a bunch of things about Stacey...way to change your tune, buddy.
81. This is so bizarre...
82. This turned into one weird love story between Fig and Steve.
83. Finished! That was the most hysterically bizarre thing I have EVER read. It was amazing!

The Haunted Vagina is a short, but immersive book. It reads smoothly, bar the occasional massive time skip, but still manages to keep a good flow. After reading the book, not only me, but the vast majority of the people I know have only one thing to say about it. "This needs to be made into a movie, now!"

when i saw this book i was exited because i thought it was going to be symbolic in a very twisted way, after reading the book in less than one hour, (considering it only consist of about 50 pages of print, once you subtract margins and intro) i noticed that i liked everything about the book except the story, i loved his writing style and bizzaro imagery but the story line seemed to be to impulsive and ended with a very unexpected twist that leaves you kinda bummed, dont get me wrong i usually love a book that jerks you around at the end but this one just didn't impress me
-Tommy

I loved this book from the very first sentence all the way until the ending. Carlton Mellick III is an amazing, entertaining, insightful, fun, exciting, fresh author who can not write a boring story. I have loved everything that he has written and the kindle edition of The Haunted Vagina is no exception. The short tale is fun, disturbing, creepy, unique and oh so enjoyable to read! I HIGHLY RECOMMEND THIS TITLE!

CM3's first novella that i've read.......loved it! He has me addicted and now i must read them all.Im new to bizarro but I feel its always been in my blood,now with a title.CM3 inspired me to start writing again and I look forward to reading more of his work.

Seriously, this book is so much awesomeness. It's quick read, and it took me no longer than a few hours to get through it, but I was laughing nearly the entire time. I am very much looking forward to reading more of Mister Mellick's books.

Exceeded expectations, which admittedly were really low. Venture with an unlovable protagonist through a haunted vagina. Meet a whole range of one-dimensional but fascinating characters. This book will change the way you look at vaginas.

This was the first book I read of its kind. It was okay. Not really worth the price I paid of five bucks however. It had interesting concepts but not a lot of character development, which is probably due to the short nature of the book. I'm not sure if all books of this genre are short, but this book wasn't enough for me to want to investigate that by reading more of its kind; unless it was free maybe...........................

Look, I'm not going to say this wasn't a good story, but the thing I keep thinking back to on this one is that I spent almost 8 dollars for 90 pages of pretty big type. The listed page length includes several blank pages and ads for other books from the publisher. The author has talent but charge me $15 for six of these stories in an omnibus and I might be back.

If you're reading reviews for something with the title "The Haunted Vagina" you'll probably enjoy reading this. It's fun and fairly well written.
My only real issue with this is that it's only 100 pages and cost eight dollars. Considering what eight bucks can buy you in the Kindle Store, that's way too expensive.
If Mellick's books where a dollar or two a piece I'd buy them all and read them with gusto, but at eight dollars each they're just not worth it.
The book itself is fairly well written, as stated, and has more of a story than one might suspect. Decent characters and setting, too. Still, it belongs in a collection of maybe 5-8 of these stories rather than being sold by itself priced like a "real" book.

Starts out very funny/weird but it then slows down and turns into almost a fairy tale gone wrong that has far too much dry humor. I do suggest reading it because of the humor; but I do not recommend it for its very cold fade sort of end.

For a book where a human man crawls into a beautiful woman's vagina, there isn't a hint of sexiness in this book. And there's 10 times more sexiness than plot or character development. It appears to be a series of random story ideas loosely stitched together by this half baked theme. Not worth two bucks.

I was excited to read this book especially since I'd heard such great things about the author. However I was very disappointed by the juvenile, conversational reading style. I though that a creative author such as this would similarly have an articulate and thought provoking writing stile. Not so.

Carlton Mellick III is one of my favorite authors. Not one of my favorite Bizarro Authors. Favorite authors, period.

The Haunted Vagina is a book I had to wait sometime to read, because it wasn't available on Kindle, and the waiting period for physical books is... let's just say, frustrating.

This book is a straightforward love story.
Well, kind of.

Steve loves Stacy. She's a quirky, fun girlfriend. But their sex lives is taking a beating. Maybe is due to the fact Stacy's vagina is haunted. Strange noises come out from between Stacy's legs, and after a skeleton crawls out of the region during a love session, Steve and Stacy decide to explore the bizarre world inside of her.

The relationship between Steve and Stacy is really well defined. Steve is the archetypal beta male, who would do anything to please his girlfriend. The descriptions of his journeys into the world inside of Stacy are really vivid, and you feel the claustrophobia Steve is feeling in the process.

The "vagina world" is beautifully well crafted by Mellick. And the characters he encounters add a dreamlike quality to the story one is accustumed to find in fairy tales. All of this leads to great storytelling, that leaves you glued to your seat, wanting to know how it would end, and saddened that it must end sometime.

This is a great introduction to the Bizarro Fiction genre, as almost any of Carlton Mellick III's books are. Here we have a man who truly grasps the fundamentals of a genre, and uses them to perfection to creat truly immersive reading experiences. A must read for fans of the genre.

Favorite line: "What, are you going to invite some spelunkers over and spread your legs for them?"

After a passionate evening of love-making, Steve's girlfriend's vagina starts making weird, eldritch noises. And when Stacey's ghoulish gash produces a full-sized human skeleton it becomes clear that she has a haunted hole. There's only one thing for it. She persuades him to grab a torch, dive in and do some ghost-busting.

The improbably named and effusively mutton-chopped Carlton Mellick III seems to be a big name in "Bizzarro" fiction, a genre characterised by an extreme surrealism/absurdism. Mellick's work is known for it's hyper-sexual themes, gore and eye-catching titles. It is a huge shame that works such as "Baby-Jesus ButtpIug", "The Morbidly Obese Ninja", "Razor Wire Pubic Hair" and "I Knocked Up Satan's Daughter: A Demonic Romantic Comedy" are unlikely ever to find themselves on Richard and Judy's Summer Reading List.

However, if this offering is anything to go by, Mr Mellick is being under-sold. Ok, it's not exactly the highest of haute fiction, but there's much more to this than is suggested by the trashy title. For a start, this novella is actually rather well written in a sparse, understated way. True enough, there's some extreme explicit and very surreal sex but its neither pornographic nor gratuitous. Instead, The Haunted Vagina is an incongruously mature, intimate and rather poignant (albeit Cronenburgesque) love story. The characters are engagingly sweet and the story deals with some serious sexual themes.

Don't be put off by the title. I wasn't. It was the title (I'm a little ashamed to say) that sold it to me, but I certainly didn't get what I was expecting.

'"I also got you a sleeping bag and some food," she says, "if you want to camp out over night."

'"I'm not camping out in your vagina overnight," I tell her.'

Twisted. Funny as Hell. And scorchingly satirical. This is a perfect blend for Halloween and slips in like something you never knew you wanted but love like that cut up, burnt from being set on fire by your ex t-shirt you got at that concert where you saw your first orgy and learned how to make devil horns with your fingers. Carlton Mellick never dissapoints and with this lil tale, he delivers in a way that'll get you ready to relive all those special moments you had when you were a pre teen learning about relationships. The good , the bad , and the WTF! Dig into The Haunted Vagina. You'll never a supernatural trip to the free clinic after, but it'll be worth it!

"I was scared to have sex with Stacy ever since I discovered her vagina was haunted."

That, right there, has got to be one of the best opening lines in the history of weird fiction. As a statement it's simple and straightforward, but as an idea it's completely bizarre. It's a great opening line, because it really sets the tone for the story to follow. Mellick's writing is as slick as it is smooth - if his ideas were more mainstream, you'd probably find fans of King and Koontz raving about his work as well. Of course, he's very much not mainstream, and that's precisely his appeal.

The story begins with just a suggestion of weirdness, as Steve begins hearing voices and other odd noises coming from between Stacy's legs. From there it backtracks a bit, weaving a romantic little tale of lovers who met on a train and did nothing more than sleep and cuddle for a week, without even knowing each other's name. Mellick includes a plethora of details that demonstrate just how cute the couple is, but there's a tinge of oddness beneath it all. By the time we come back to the voices, things quickly escalate, with a bloody skeleton that scratches and crawls its way free of Stacy's haunted vagina, forcing Steve to play the hero and bash in its skull.

Creepy enough for you? Well, it's about to get really bizarre. When Stacy calms down from her fright and realizes that she passed the skeleton pretty easily, she convinces Steve to play spelunker extraordinaire and crawl inside her to see where the voices are coming from! Not only does he do it, and not only does he fit completely inside her, but he discovers that her birth canal houses a portal to another world . . . the very same world that gave birth (quite literally) to Stacy's childhood imaginary friend.

Beneath all that weirdness, there's actually a pretty deep tale of identity and human relationships. Mellick's story has a lot to say (or, at least, suggest) about who holds the power in a relationship, and what abusing that power can do to change a person's identity. Steve goes on a very weird journey to get inside his girlfriend, and once there he goes on something of a spiritual journey as well - especially after he's showered with evidence of Stacy's infidelity. Yes, that means precisely what you're afraid it means, and it comes at a moment that serves to shock the reader into remembering where he is and how he got there.

It's a strange story, sometimes sad and sometimes sweet, with moments of absurd humor to balance out the absurd horror. It's not as over-the-top as some of Mellick's work, but it certainly crawls deep inside your head and amazes you with what kind of tale such a simple, yet bizarre, concept can breed.

So this was... bizarre, odd, insane, and very entertaining. I couldn't put it down, and believe me, there were times when I wanted to. I really wanted to. For years to come in will say, "I once read a book where a man climbed into his girlfriend's rubbery vagina and fell in love."

I am sure a lot of people could find "hidden" symbolism in this, but for me it was just a book to read that made my jaw drop and hang open.

Will I read more bizarre, I like that word, fiction? I may at some point, but for now this one was enough.

A perfect, quick read if you want to have a lot of "huh!?" moments. The writer is good at what he does.

Cue music from "The Exorcist."

Okay, I'll give you a moment to clean your screen off after you just read the title and spit out what you were drinking.

So, what is "The Haunted Vagina" by Carlton Mellick III about? Really, you're going to ask that? Okay. Imagine if your girlfriend's vagina was the portal to another world with strange creatures inhabiting it. That's the situation that Steve finds himself in. And...that's pretty much it.

The really odd thing about this is that the simple concept actually works. Through Steve's exploring this strange new world, it gives Mellick a chance to perform an almost straight-up world-building exercise. It's a strangely interesting world with a mysterious history.

Steve himself goes through an interesting if very quick character evolution. The character is believable, switching between a coward and pretending to be brave because his girlfriend tells him to do something he really doesn't want to do (who hasn't been in that situation?). At the same time, the character evolution seems a little too quick and convenient. While it fits with the story, it also feels like the story itself could have been changed a little to slow down the character development.

One thing, which should be obvious, is that this book will not be for people who are squeamish around sexual situations. At least I really, really hope that's obvious. Mellick doesn't shy away from being fairly descriptive in these scenes, nor does he mince words. But, then again, if you're going to pick this book up, you're already expecting this, so I'm not sure why I'm even mentioning it.

The prose and editing are clean, which is a huge plus. Again, it's a pet peeve of mine, so I'm glad this one was a smooth read, and I could stay in the book very easily without my inner editor distracting me.

While "The Haunted Vagina" is actually a decent book (quality-wise), and Mellick seems to have put a disturbing amount of thought into how a miniature world inside a woman's womb would actually work. While the story is short and works in its own way, sometimes things feel a little convenient for pushing the plot along towards its conclusion a little too quickly. It ultimately feels more like an exercise in building an interesting world, but sacrifices a more involved story in the process.

"The Haunted Vagina" earns 3.5 tubes of lube out of 5.

The Haunted Vagina is a pretty straightforward romance story. Steve and Stacy are together. Steve loves Stacy to death, but her vagina creeps him out. So she sends him inside her vagina to find out what's in there. Turns out there's a surreal little biosphere in there, with lots of inhabitants, one of which is a weird cartoony girl named Fig, who soon takes a liking to Steve and doesn't want him to leave Stacy's vagina...

Okay, so it's not very typical, but it's still straightforward. Carlton Mellick has taken a completely ridiculous idea here and given it a more serious approach, mixing in horror and surrealist images along the way. The result is a nice romantic story with genuine feelings, hard truths, and none of the typical stereotypes. Steve loves his girlfriend Stacy, even if she's a little abusive towards him. Several times in the story Steve mentions things that he hates about Stacy. She's even a foot taller than him. They're an odd couple to say the least. Their relationship isn't some perfect symbiosis between two spirits. It's rocky, it's flawed, and it's awkward. That's the message here: love isn't all sunshine and roses. Love can be gruesome and repulsive. But it's still love.

Inside Stacy's vagina, Steve meets Fig, who seems like a better, more innocent version of Stacy. He wants nothing more than to return to the outside world, but he becomes trapped in the vagina, with no hope of escape. I can tell you that Steve ends up with Fig at the end without spoiling too much. It's how he ends up with Fig that's important. And when they are together, Steve becomes a weird latex cartoon like Fig. He comes to love her, and they are their own two-person species, mating for life. I absolutely loved this idea. Steve fits perfectly with Fig, more than he did with Stacy. But just because they fit together perfectly doesn't mean their relationship is perfect. After all, this is love we're talking about. Repulsive, ugly, beautiful, nasty, sweet-smelling love.

Many Bizarro books surprise you by hitting with emotional content that you don't expect to find. You're expecting a cheap laugh or a gross out and suddenly...heartbreak. If you're looking for a chief laugh or the sort of extended gag you'd see on South Park, The Haunted Vagina is not a good choice. There are laughs in there, but this is not a book wallpapered in abject wackiness or an extended sexual joke, even when it is, to a certain extent one. As relationships progress and change, the landscape changes. Mellick does this well. You would think a writer with so many flamboyant covers and shocking scenarios would skimp on his human content, but that's not what Mellick and it's not what Bizarro fiction is about. The Haunted Vagina is a Bizarro tale rendered in greyscale, a story of losing love and the meaning of sex in how we relate to each other. It's entertaining, occasionally funny, but mostly just the kind of love story that leaves you maybe feeling a little cold or a little grateful. It's not what you expect. Never buy a Bizarro book based on expectations, buy it for the surprises and be ready to have your expectations warped.

Errrmmm ….. okay …. er ….. authors, take this with however many grains of salt you like, but if your book has a really boring title - like say, ‘Remember Me’ (I found 81 books with that title, and 256 books with that phrase in the title), then you’re going to have to work a lot harder at promoting your book.

I choose that example, by the way, because in 2007 Virginia Quarterly Review listed the ten most common words found in book title submissions that they received that year. They were;

• Remember
• Smoke
• Revelation
• Work
• Grace
• Waiting
• Insomnia
• Voyeur
• Butterfly
• Reunion

The most appalling (or maybe distressing) thing about this list is that none of these words strikes me as a half-decent title for anything; book, play, film, or even restaurant!

You’ll notice that ‘Haunted’ and ‘Vagina’ aren’t on that list at all

A book’s title is possibly the most important but also the hardest to write. It has to grab the reader by the scruff of the neck and make him/her buy the book, and as such we really need to give it the respect it deserves.

There’s no guarantee, of course, that a good title will cause you to love the book, any more than a good pick-up line means the girl will love the guy (for a title is really nothing more than a pick-up line), but a bad title guarantees you’ll never find out, because in all probability you won’t open the book to take a peek inside and you certainly won’t buy it.

Here’s an Amazing title I found; ‘Depressed and anxious – the Dialectical Behaviour Therapy Workbook for Overcoming Depression and Anxiety.’ It doesn’t really grab you at all, does it? The author needs to liven the title up a bit; ‘Sorry-Arsed and Scared Crapless Vampire’ has a much better ring to it. It’s always good if you can get the word ‘vampire’ somewhere in the title.

‘Anxiety and Depression for Dummies’ is another one that’s nuts, isn’t it. ‘Rattle-Brained Mallet-Head hits the Jelly Beans’ would attract more buys to this book, wouldn’t it?

I found a book called ‘Politics – A treatise on Government.’ The author must have sold all ten copies to his mum! He could have called it ‘Vote for David Cameron.’ Granted the title’s not too exciting but it’s a book about rushing enthusiastically into the cubicle expecting big things, only to get a pathetic little fart.

There are some incredibly imaginative book titles that demonstrate the ingenuity and innovative brilliance of certain authors. ‘The Big Book of Lesbian Horse Stories’ by Alisa Surkis was one such book (lesbian horses?), as is ‘The Pocket book of Boners – an omnibus of schoolboy howlers.’ I don’t know who the author of this one is but it’s illustrated by Dr Seuss. ‘Games you can play with your Pussy – and lots of other stuff cat owners should know,’ ‘The Missionary Position – Mother Theresa in theory and practice,’ ‘Everything I know about Women I learned from my Tractor,’ ‘Invisible Dick,’ ‘Pooh Gets Stuck,’ ‘Scouts in Bondage,’ ‘The Beginners Guide to Sex in the Afterlife,’ ‘How to spot a Bastard by his Star Sign,’ ‘Arthur Kills a Hobo for his Clothes,’ ‘Why is Mommy Moaning?’ ‘How to Date a White Woman,’ and ‘Cooking with Pooh’ were just a few of the pretty good book titles I discovered. But ‘The Haunted Vagina’ beats the lot!

But I digress. I’m supposed to be reviewing the actual book itself as opposed to covering for my lack of eloquence and loquacity by researching other interesting titles, but this one’s got me beat.

This book is simply bonkers! If you’re looking for an easy read that’s slightly demented then give it a go. It’s amusing enough and if I’m to be perfectly honest quite readable. It’s just that it’s completely mental.

I would, however, try another one of this author’s books, so I guess it wasn’t all bad.

I don't know what possessed me(see what I did there) to read this. Every now and again, I just get a hankering to read weird stuff. This seemed to fit the bill.

Stacy has a haunted vagina. Yes, her vagina makes spooky noises and even had a skeletal figure emerge from it. Steve, being the ever helpful and loving boyfriend has agreed to help Stacy with her paranormal problem and investigates the "depths" of her issue.

There's probably a meaning behind all of the stuff going on but my mind doesn't want to delve into that. It just wants to enjoy what I got on the surface: the lulz, the bizarreness, and even the sweetness that this little imaginative story had to offer.

I wish every writer could have even an ounce of Carlton Mellick's creativity and drive. The amount of craziness he pushes out is mindblowing. This one is a fan-favorite, and while I like some of his other works more, it's well worth your time. A guy finds out his girlfriend's vagina is a portal to a hellish dimension. It only gets weirder from there. This is a prime example of the how weird the bizarro genre can get, and it'll keep you entertained the entire time.

Wildly imaginative, bizarre and fun read. When I read the blurb for this book, my first reaction was "Are you kidding me?". But a friend asked if I would read it, so I did, and I really enjoyed this book. This is a guy meets girl, falls in love with girl, then discovers the girl has something crazy going on with her hoo-ha story. When he discovers her problem, he then tries to help her and discovers a whole new world inside his girlfriend. I don't want to give too much away, you really have to read this story to appreciate it. And as crazy as it sounds, this is a love story, a crazy, bizarre, wtf, love story, but a love story just the same.

Overall, I'd give it a 4.25/5. This novella was definitely a good read, but at the same time, for whatever reason, just didn't engage me as the other Mellick books/novellas I've read so far. Steve shockingly finds he is hearing voices coming from his girlfriend Stacy's vagina, and gets frightened off. After some coaxing and alcohol though, Steve starts to turn around, and eventually becomes a guinea pig to see what is truly inside of Stacy. After going up inside of her (yes, fully inside) he finds a passageway to another world, one that is full of skeletons, and a sad girl named Fig (who Stacy met when she was a little girl, because she visited Stacy by coming out of her vagina) who only wants to have a companion and be loved. Definitely a bizarre book, which makes all Mellick books great in one way or another, but this one fell just slightly short of my liking.

This was the second Mellick book I ever read and it holds a special place in my heart. Besides having all the great bizarro elements we have come to expect from CM3, THV is, along with The Morbidly Obese Ninja, one of Mellick's most bittersweet stories. What begins as a ghost story quickly turns into an amazing, surreal and bizarre adventures into the depths of a woman. The world Mellick creates inside the haunted vagina is unlike anything else in literature and the trip is so much fun I guarantee readers that they'll be left craving more. Also, THV is probably one of the weirdest and most creative love stories ever written. If you like bizarro, buy it. If you don't like bizarro, buy it anyway. If you're new to bizarro, this is a perfect book to get your started and one that will surely bring you back for more Mellick as soon as you're done.

As with all of Mellick's books, this is yet another addictive and completely original story. Without giving away spoilers, Mellick manages to take you on a journey with his trademark and eye-popping descriptions. He has a real talent for character details and I found this story as compelling as his past work. What I probably love most about his work is that nothing is predicable and you never know what the next page will bring.

I was surprised, however, at the number of typos throughout the narrative. With the shorter page count, there is no excuse for not proofreading the text. I don't recall his other books being like this, so I'm guessing The Haunted Vagina had a different editor or copy editor. Regardless, this material was very enjoyable to read and is definitely recommended. Of course, for adults only.

This is the sort of book I live for. While I love my fair share of stories that are lacking in any or all fields of writing, strong stories that have an emotional feel are the winners in my eyes. And in the genre of bizarro, this book is one of those.

No need to go into a synopsis, it's pretty easy to predict: a man enters his girlfriend's haunted vagina. But his interactions with everyone are so real, and very able to be connected with. Many people have had the weirdo girlfriends, many know what it's like to submit to ridiculous demands for the ones we love. And this book describes all of them.

This book is fun and feel-good. If you're a fan of bizarro, Mellick, the weird or just plain heart-felt stories, you're doing yourself an injustice in not reading this.

What a fun book! The characters were well drawn and likable. The story moved me along. I read it in almost one sitting. I'd have liked a stronger ending, so I deducted a star. But really, it was only a minor thing. All in all, it was pretty damned good. I'll definitely read more my Carlton Mellick III

I bought a bundle of Carlton's books off of ebay. They were my introduction to Bizarro. His stories are quick reads, which were great for my plane trip from Florida to California, in which I read The Haunted Vagina and The Morbidly Obese Ninja.

Review:
I'm not sure exactly what I expected. Maybe I expected it to be an over-the-top, drug-induced story, the likes of something you'd find on adult swim or written by me and my friends in high school. This was not the case. The plot was well-paced, the characters were enjoyable, and his world-building was excellent. Carlton is a skilled author who I am excited to read and recommend to friends.

What if your girlfriend's vagina were haunted? Would you, if it were possible, climb into her body to investigate the strange noises? Furthermore, what if you discovered a whole world deep inside her womb, would you arm yourself with energy bars and a gun to explore? Steve does. It turns his world inside out.

This is a classic work of bizarro (strange) fiction. CM3 is a powerful storyteller with some brain-imploding ideas. This is the third novel of his I have, and it was, by far, his best work to date. It's right up there with RAZOR WIRE PUBIC HAIR.

Imaginative, provocative, frightening, and a little sad (in a touching way), HAUNTED VAGINA blurs the line between reality and modern fantasy. If you enjoy something different and you can handle mature content, HAUNTED VAGINA is not to be missed.

Ahh! The Haunted V----a, the one book title that always makes my friends giggle when I tell them about it!

Following the story of a man and his girlfriend when her lady area *sniggers* starts to make strange noises and spews demonic skeletons, and if that wasn't enough she forces him to travel inside of her where he finds an alternative world decorated with purple skies. We then get to delve deeper into this unknown universe and find out about its inhabitants while our main character tries to find his way home!

A very unusual concept and definitely not something you want to read if you don't have a wickedly comedic side to you!

" It's difficult to love a woman whose v----a is a gateway to the world of the dead" pretty much says it all!

( I am also quite fond of the new cover that is going to be released for this book, if you haven't seen it check it out!)

I read through this a month or so ago after I became bedridden by a bad sunburn. Me and my family were at the beach, and I was only able to really enjoy the first day of it because of the sunburn, so I figured I'd read some Bizarro to take my mind off of things. Well, it worked - this book had me laughing, thinking, and forgetting about my sunburn within minutes.

Basically the plot is about a man who, Indiana Jones style, ventures into his girlfriend's vagina after a skeleton-thing crawls out of it and attacks him. Needless to say, the vagina is haunted, and the protagonist has to figure out why. After making it inside of her vagina, he finds a world he could have never imagined and perhaps one he may never escape.

I found a lot of things in the book relevant to my life, just as I do with all the Mellick books I read. From THV, I found that sometimes your girlfriend's wide expanse of a love-crevice is filled with strange and undeniable wonder. Also, I found that sometimes the love that's forced on you can be stronger than you would have ever thought.

All in all, this is a great CM3 book, and one I would highly recommend.

...a haunted vagina.

But you also get a whole lot more. This book, even though about three quarters of it takes place inside of vagina, is actually a rather touching love story. That may seem surprising- it surprised me- but it's true. I've never felt so much for ANYTHING to do with a vagina in my life.

Steve and Stacy are a cute couple... they're quirky but sweet, and they love each other. However there's a problem with their sex life- Stacy's vagina is haunted. Unfortunately there's no Linda Blair-style pea soup vomiting vagina scenes, but we DO get to see a skeleton randomly crawl out of it.

And we also get to see the entire WORLD that exists inside of Stacy's vagina after she convinces Steve to go on a scouting expedition inside of her to find exactly how haunted her vagina IS.

Which, it so happens, is quite haunted.

With a book titled 'The Haunted Vagina' most people will NOT be expecting much. Goofy gross-out at most. However anyone who reads Carlton Mellick's work knows this will often not be the case- there is heart in his books. A LOT of heart. You feel for his characters, and- despite how bizarre and uncomfortable they are- you relate to them. Which, given the characters' circumstances, should be impossible. If you're not already familiar with Mellick's work, don't be put off by his seemingly-silly titles and ideas. Let them pull you in, like a stretchy haunted vagina...

So yes, this really is a sweet little love story about a man inside of his girlfriend's haunted alternate-dimension-doorway vagina. If THAT'S not a book worth picking up, then I don't know what IS.

This is an interesting story by Mellick about a man who hears voices coming from his girlfriend's vagina. She sends him inside after the voices, and he crawls into her, shrinking as he goes, and discovers a world inside her full of people that look like cartoon fairies. One of them is a cute girl who used to be his girlfriend's imaginary friend before the girlfriend showed up. The girl falls in love with the narrator, and tries to make him stay. He must decide between staying with her and going back to his girlfriend. Then he starts to change...

This was possibly one of Mellick's most entertaining books. The story is unique and fast paced, and in the end everything works out well. The characters are great. The narrator's girlfriend switches moods so quickly and forgets about him while he's inside of her and does something with another guy in a scene that's worth the price of the book alone. It is fast paced and a bit too short, but I would rather be left wanting more than wishing a book had been shorter. A sequel to this one would be interesting.

The Haunted V@gina

by, Carlton Mellick III

Paperback: 100 pages
Publisher: Eraserhead Press (September 18, 2006)

This book is one of those novels, where I honestly thought it was going somewhere else when I started reading it.

Because Steve and Stacy have a problem...

Her Vagina is haunted, and not just in a spook weird noises, things that go bump in the night kinda way... although there are noises as well... but in a holy hell a skeleton just crawled out of my girlfriends Va-jay-jay kinda haunted.

Now as I read this I truly thought there was going to be a path that this book was going to go down and I thought right about here we were going to see other beasts start wriggling out of her and then a whole monster manual worth of them would come out and start killing everyone in sight... but no it turns out that all her life strange things have been happening with Stacy's v@g. When she was little her imaginary friend, Fig, used to crawl out of her and they would play together, and she would return to her world up in there when play time was over... Talk about childhood issues holy heck.

At first you really don't want to read about him climbing inside to explore, and then once he is inside you wonder what the hell is going on. Then things get worse and you wonder what the hell he is going to do. Then there is an answer, and you truly gross out.

I loved this book it was brilliant, creepy and gross all at once.

Thank you Carlton, you have once again pulled back the curtain and let us have a tiny glimpse into your haunted brains... Hey make that a follow up...

Buy this one and read it, you will love it.

T. Patrick Rooney

Author of Bakemono

It's an expensive book! Oh, wait. I LOVED it. But there are only just "a few" chapters. I paid for a "book", but got a "long-ish short story". I should get ten more haunted things!
It is fabulous. Mr Mellick III is a genius. I ended up wanting more, so I bought another book.
I had thought, with much regret, that the uninhibited imagination was dead. Mr. M has proven me wrong. Who would've thought of a peanut sized ghost world inside a vagina, which allows easy entrances and exits of a "boyfriend"? And then to tell the story with such humorous visuals. It's just hilarious.
And now I have to do what I usually do - compare authors. It'll have to be the revered Ms. JK Rowling. I think it's a head to head. The difference of popularity is due to the imagination of the readers. Or lack there-of. After all, a boy hunted by a bad-ass magician is much easier to comprehend then, let's say, a skeleton hand exploding out of a girl's vagina, right? Or am I crazy?
There are fantasies that we very much enjoy, wonderful good clean fun a la Harry Potter, and fantasies that tiltillate us as adults. Like pancakes and fois gras. We should have both.
I think everything should read a bit of Bizarro, and this one is a good place to start.

I just can't bring myself to read anymore about her glowworm and her lady bits that speak in evil tongue....and not the good kinda tongue...if you know what I mean *wink wink wink*

Although I give this author props for publishing such a unique story, it's just not my cuppa tea....and I like some pretty strange stuff.

So....I hate to say that I am DNF'ing this book. Maybe I will come back to it some day....or not. Who knows....but, to the author, keep on truckin' man! You write some pretty outlandish and bizarre stories.

*NOTE: I am not one to rate a book that I DNF, but I do want to awknowledge the author for at least having the cohones to put out a book like this. For that and for what I did read (which was OK), I am giving him 2 stars. It was very......uhm...creative? Yes....creative.

The Haunted Vagina by Carlton Mellick III is a charming novella with and surprisingly sweet and romantic. The story involves a guy who finds out his girlfriend's vagina is inhabited by a ghost. She convinces him to investigate it and he finds that by some magic he's able to actually climb completely inside her into a ghost world inhabited by creatures who are not unlike japanese anime characters. As the story continues, his love for his girlfriend is tested by his intrigue with the strange and beautiful world he finds inside of her.

This story is surreal and magical. It is also funny, poignant and endearing. When my boyfriend saw this book sitting on my nightstand he grinned and said "Aren't all vaginas haunted?". I recommend you check this one out for yourself.

There is Bizarre and there is Carlton Mellick III. I am a relative newcomer to the world of Bizarro fiction but it is a journey well worth taking. Mellick's writings aren't just a string of crazy ideas thrown together. They just make you take a look at the world a little differently. This is one of my favorites so far. Highly recommended to all with an open mind and good taste.

Mellick practices a clean, spare technique. It’s an easy-to-follow style with an emphasis on action, good dialogue, and good characterization. As a writer, I know that’s no mean feat. To make something easy to read and seem as if it was easy to write is quite hard. Read my whole review here: http://matthewwarner.com/2015/02/its-bark-is-worse-than-its-bizarro/

Haunted Vagina is a haunting tale that takes you places you never thought possible. Like so many of his works what you get is not necessarily what you expect. The titles always tend to invoke really intense crass mental imagery while his stories themselves make anything possible and actually quite beautiful. Always love reading his work and The Haunted Vagina is no exception. Keep charming us with your vaginas and butt plugs cause god knows, we need em.

I actually read the book. I somewhat regret that now. It's bad, really bad. Not in the fan-fiction "Fifty Shades of Grey" kind of bad, but bad in the way that someone who can write fairly well and develop characters competently could manage in a hundred pages of sparse copy during short breaks between their sessions of electroshock therapy to treat acid flashbacks.

It's essentially a horror story grounded in enough pseudo-Freudian symbols to keep a team of English professors on couches whining endlessly about their mothers, the sort of thing that might be expected if H.P. Lovecraft and C.S. Lewis collaborated on domestic drama set in the hipster milieu, re-imagining R'lyeh and Narnia as trendy loft spaces.

As usual, THV is an entertaining adventure of the surreal universe living inside Carlton Mellick's head.

Steve is a normal sort of guy -- sweet, trying to find his way in his world, and then he meets Stacy. Stacy is cute, cuddly, great in all the right ways, but she has this one quirk... Watch Steve as he enters the haunted inner realms of his girlfriend and tries to do the right thing.

THV is a sweet, insightful exploration of the nature of love, sex, what makes a good relationship, and the emotions intertwined with a woman's body.

As is usual with Mellick's work, the strengths are truly with the ideas and philosophical underpinnings and the incredibly entertaining way he presents these ideas. I started laughing on page one and didn't stop until the end.

Entertaining? Humorous? Horrific? Fun? This is the best of what Bizarro and all enjoyable fiction is about.

Steve falls madly in love with Stacy, but it isn't until they move in together that he hears voices coming from Stacy's southern junction. When a skeletal creature makes it's was through Stacy into their world, Stacy convinces Steve he must go exploring to find out where this mysterious passage leads. After his fist foray, Steve almost doesn't make it back from the alternate world, but the next time Stacy sets him up for a full spelunking.

This is by far one of Mellick's best books ever. The alternate world is rich and mysterious, and occasionally frightening. The sheer strangeness of the tale will keep you turning pages until the end. My only complaint is that the book is short; I could have stayed much longer in Stacy's southern hemisphere. I highly recommend this book for aficionados of horror, punk, cult, or outlandish fiction. Enjoy!

My first introduction to Mellick's writing was also among the first Bizarro pieces I read, a short story called "Candy-Coated," about a man with a lollipop head. Since reading this story I have been in love with his writing and the worlds he is able to create. I still have several to read, but this is by far my favorite of his books so far.

"The Haunted Vagina" begins as a strange, awkward tale of a man's journey into his girlfriend's haunted vagina. It journeys through the throes of blind, obsessive love. As the protagonist slowly wades out of worshipful obsession (and deeper into the world inside his girlfriend's vagina), it becomes a story about starting over. And in the end it is a whole universe, a better, more sensible universe that is quiet, happy, and magical.

Mellick's prose is simple, direct, and beautiful and the division of the book into acts paces it excellently. He is obviously a masterful writer, he has complete control over the universes he creates and knows exactly how to show them to the reader.

A bizarre premise with some amusing imagery, but it doesn't go much further than that. This feels like it could have been so much more, but I'd rather the author leave off at a light hearted noveletta if that is all he was comfortable with than force a longer narrative he couldn't carry.

Yes, this is a book about a vagina haunted by cartoon-ish mutants. But that's not the whole of what makes this book so awesome. It's the relationship drama that surrounds all the haunted vagina action that makes it all worthwhile. Two late shift workers brought together by cuddling. So sweet! Too bad the stupid haunted vagina has to mess everything up.

This was my first time to read a book by Carlton Mellick III. Now I only wonder, what took so long?

The basics of this book is that it about a woman named Stacey. She and her new boyfriend discover that a gateway to another world resides in her. Now I hate it when people give all the details of a bool in a review, so let me just say Read This Book!!!! To me at first, the whole idea seemed silly. I was wrong. This is a well written book full of humor, but also touching and a little sad. Add to that've wonderful twist of the absurb and you have a book that you will want to share with others. Do yourself a favor. Read this book.

Since discovering Mellick I have only read a few of his books but have not been disappointed in any of them. The story as others have said is about a world that exists in the main character Steve's girlfriend. While not as gory as some of his other offerings this is still an excellent read and one that may leave you with questions about your own relationship when reaching the end. Highly recommend!

Certainly unforgettable and easy to read. This was my first book by Mellick and while I am still somewhat new to bizarro, I am surprised by this, considering his importance in the genre. Anyway, I loved the Fig character and the way she involved Steve in her world. Mandatory in it's oddness.

CARLTON MELLICK III is an amazing author who is beginning to emerge from the underground due to his astonishing writing and imagination, despite his impolite titles and challenging ideas.
His books are pure fiction, hopefully.
His imagination is so volatile, it can be considered dangerous.
He's a more disciplined inheritor of William Burroughs and a more free wheelin' David Cronenberg. Imagine if those guys collaborated on a movie! Or a baby.
His writing hits a part of your brain that is stimulated by surreal erotica and intellectual action flicks. It's a part of my brain that has barely lived!
It's like a bent synapse eating itself and being delicious!

HAUNTED VAGINA is a great introduction to his writing. I've given the book to my disparately palated friends, each have really enjoyed the book and been intrigued by his ideas and writing.

Haunted Vagina isn't the insanely intense ride of PUNK LAND or SAUSAGEY SANTA, but more contemplative, allowing room for personal reflection and metaphors on the themes of the story.
More of a drive through an alien landscape than an inter-dimensional rollercoaster.

It's a novella in length. Too short? Nah. Just right.

Along with MENSTRUATING MALL, I would recommend this book to anyone who is cool with sex and likes their thinking challenged.

Just as the narrator's girlfriend's vagina is a doorway to another world, this book can lead to dangerous places like: ELECTRIC JESUS CORPSE or SATAN BURGER, but only if you want to continue the journey. It gets a little dark down that road.

This books unfolds in such a organic way, so don't read the full plot. Just buy it and let the book and his intense imagination lead you along.

This book is great fun!

You should read it if you like any of the following:
-Alice's Adventures in Wonderland
-Bizarro
-Vaginas
-Haunted Houses
-Really cool shit
-Laughing

If you like at least one of the above mentioned things, then this book is for you.
If you do not like any of them, what the hell do you like? (seriously, i'd love to know)

Oh yeah, and there is like social commentary and stuff in here if you are like a more literary type, ya feel?

I was really surprised by this book. Of course the title jumped out at me in barnes and noble, and reading the first couple pages was hilarious. However, it really opens up to be a compelling read. Very bizarro but not in a forced way. I found myself really drawn into the vagina world and wanted to spend some more time there. The concept of there being a whole world inside a vagina is provocative, as that is where life comes from in the first place. Don't they say a lot of people seek to climb back into the womb? I have handed this book off to a lot of my friends, which I almost never do. Great read!

Wow, we have another mind-blowing book from Bizarro high priest, Father Mellick. What if your girlfriend's vagina was a gateway to another universe? What would you find there?

Thematically similiar to "Razor Wire Pubic Hair," "the Haunted Vagina" is an exploration of the female body and the power it can hold over men (figuratively and literally). The tale is dark, disturbing, and funny. But most importantly, it causes the reader to think. If you have ever been in love, this book will pose some unsettling questions.

I am also pleased to say that this book features some of Mellick's best characterization. Sometimes Mellick's characters become secondary to the strangeness of the story; not in this book. You will be consumed with and his relationships in the real world and in the vagina world.

Don't let the small size fool you. There is a lot to this book. Highly, Highly recommended.

What do you do when a skeleton escapes your girlfriend's vagina? Lube up and go in after it obviously!

Without giving any more of the story away, The Haunted Vagina is funny, depressing and more than a little bit sweet. If you're familiar with CM3's work then you'll like this. Although this book is obviously about sex, you easily put that to one side, as surprisingly it's not too integral to the overall story, in a similar vein to The Handsome Squirm.

My only problem with it is that it's quite short, and left me wanting more; but I suppose that the mark of a strong story.

Poor Steve. His girlfriend Stacy's nether regions are haunted and she persuades him to go inside and explore. What he discovers inside is beyond his imagination. I love this novella, especially the cameo of The Kennedy School in Portland (I dig that place). Mellick's prose is exceptionally descriptive, funny and totally bizarre. I highly recommend this.

This book is hilarious in a strange way, because it should be a comedy but it doesn't try to be funny. It takes the subject matter seriously. It's at times scary, sexy, sad, and even romantic. It really worked for me, even though it wasn't what I expected. What really shocks me about this book isn't the title, it's the fact that so many other people actually like this book as much as I do. After reading it I figured I would be the only person who could possibly like a book like this or get its subtle humor. Don't expect anything when going into this book and you'll like it a whole lot more.

My first endeavor with Carlton Mellick III, which is strange since I have read a lot of bizarro. I don't know why I never got around to him sooner. I found this to be far better than I was expecting. How could I not like a book about a haunted vagina inhabited by skeletons? Good stuff. I need to check out more of his books.

This book actually isn't bad. Despite the title and unique concept, it's a decent read and will pass an hour or two. I thought some aspects of the story could have been elaborated on a bit more, but that didn't stop the book keeping me occupied for an evening.

Note: I also posted this review on Goodreads

The title of the book is a bit racey. The book is fun though and deserves your attention. Very cleverly written and always engaging. I read the book in one sitting. Its that kinda book. Once you start...you have to finish it to see where it leads.

I read a book about a secret world nestled betwixt a woman's thighs...and I loved it.

Stacy and Steve have a happy relationship until Steve discovers that Stacy's vagina is haunted. Steve is, of course, freaked out so he tries to just stay away from Stacy's nethers making for an unhappy Stacy. One day she's had enough of not "getting any" and persuades him to 69 with her by promising to keep her legs closed. Then something inside Stacy tries to escape...

I'd go on but I don't want to ruin it. If you're into the completely weird and aren't put off by detailed accounts of the interior of a vagina then you should totally read it. It's great, but don't take my word for it...

*rainbows*

I read a review for this book prior to my order, I was intrigued. I ended up enjoying the plot and could hardly wait to turn the page. However, when I began to read the book I was surprised by how poorly written it was. I could possibly compare it to a narrative written by a high school student enrolled in a creative writing course. It was not extremely bothersome though. The first few chapters discuss a vibrant sex life between the main character and his new love Stacey. It then flows into a description of how awkward it became when she revealed that her vagina was actually haunted. The story then develops into a curious Stacey and a hesitant yet adventurous narrator. The book then describes a world discovered in Stacey's womb and the troubles the narrator uncovers. I did enjoy the book very much, but was disappointed in the duration of the story, I finished in 3 short sittings. I felt the end was poorly summarized and found myself wishing Mellick would have carried on with the story instead of briefly describing events that occurred within years in the book. I do reccomend this book for a good quick read maybe on the road or a trip of some sort. It was fairly priced and easy to read.

It's really, really good. Buy it, you'll like it. Seriously, you would not be here otherwise. If the title intrigues you enough to be reading this, instead of turning away thinking that you've obviously come to the wrong place, this is for you. CM3 is pure bizarro gold.

This is only my 4th CM3 title, but it's definitely one of the best. From the opening line, I was hooked. (truth be told, the author's note is one of the best one-liners I've read this year) This book reads very quickly; in just a single sitting, but it leaves its mark in your head. It does a great job of defining characters, which is odd for something this short, that you want to read more about. In fact, the only bad thing I can say about this title is I wish it were longer. Yes, I'd like to spend more time in the Haunted Vagina, as weird as that sounds... it's completely appropriate for this author/title. The world inside this book(vagina) is vivid and bizzare. It is what you would expect from one of the genre-defining authors. I personally liked this title more than both Sea of Patchwork Cats and Punk Land; although Satan Burger remains my favorite.

You will not be disappointed, expand your imagination!

Wow this book completely blew me away. I didn't think anything could top Warrior wolf women of the waste land, but this one did. I was expecting a horror story here but this is more of a adventure/love story. Well worth the money even though it is so short.

It is possible to dismiss Carlton Mellick's writing as silly and often childlike. This would be a grave error.
The symbolism and social commentary lurking within Mellick's twisted tales raise his work to a much higher level.
Mellick's perfectly flawed characters and strange settings create the perfect world for his story telling.

The book is called THE HAUNTED VAGINA!! ..what more could you want? It will make you laugh until you pee your pants and cringe until you bite through your lip. You have not lived until you have read a book about a hanunted vagina.

...by CM3's humor, simplicity, or brevity--this short book, like the vagina described within--contains a much larger world. Another original by one of the most prolific and influential Bizarro authors, "Haunted Vagina" was a quick read, yes, but one that I've found myself opening again and again to read passages to others.

I have to admit I had great expectations with such an intriguing title. But apart the title, this is a sadly written story about a man seeking love through his lover's sexual organs.

The plot was good, but nevertheless, I felt I could've taken that plot and written it in such a fashion that it would've hinted at sex, not be so blunt. But being blunt or not is not really the question: it's just baldy written.

I felt a 12-year old could've done a better job, notwithstanding the subject matter.

Overall I didn't finish the book. Fortunately this was a gift I had bought for a friend (!), but that friend also found that it was, well, garbage.

To be punk and uncanny is one thing, but one needs to know how to write.