A Guide to Knowing if Your Relationship Can--and Should--be Saved

Summary: You should go.
Only stay if you can get your partner to change. Which of course is impossible. So better leave your "relationship".
What is completely missing that I expected? Any guide to do a cost-benefit analysis of both choices. If you are only dating and you are miserable, this book might prevent you from jumping into an unhealthy marriage. But if you are married and/or have children already, the consequences of leaving are severe and have a lifelong impact on multiple people. None of this is adequately given consideration. The only thing that is being evaluated is the woman's personal happiness. And even in that area it is not mentioned that she might wind up poor and lonely rather than with her fairy-tale prince who will give her all that she is missing now.

I previously had read Lundy's "Why does he do that?" which was an eye opener and provided good insights. So the logical next question was what to do about it. But this book is a complete miss to guide you to a responsible decision about the rest of your and your family's lives.

This book is definitely geared towards aiding women rather than being a book about relationships in general. It will help you establish boundaries and support you in doing so. The assumption is that you're talking about a deeply distressed relationship struggling with the likes of addiction, physical and/or emotional abuse or mental disorders.

The book has some great discussions about what a healthy relationship looks like and is really great at encouraging you to feel that you should have a healthy relationship. I think this is particularly helpful to those who've never really had a healthy relationship, or had one discussed with them, or where it was so long ago in their past that they've lost touch with what a healthy relationship looks like.

I would warn against this book being the only resource you refer to if you're trying to make your relationship work with a well-meaning but distressed/destructive partner. You'll want another book like The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing by Beverly Engel to provide you with a more nuanced look at why a less extreme and less dangerous abuser may be abusive or why you may have some major blind spots for those kinds of behaviors. This book's authors goal is to support you, not to deliver compassion or understanding to the person that is being destructive. Sometimes, that means they are more compassionate with you when you make mistakes and slips while supporting you to not be that way with your destructive partner. They err on the side of over-supporting you rather than risk having you slip back into taking on more blame. If you're trying to problem solve your relationship, you'll want this book as a staunch supporter for your journey and a more tempered book to help you navigate the nuances of the different factors and influences in your interactions with your partner.

If you're ready to leave but just don't feel ready to take those steps, this book will guide you through your feelings and emotions to help tease apart where you may really stand.

"Inside the mind of angry men" by Lundy is a must for beginning to understand what is behind the thinking of an angry, emotionally destructive man. It would be imperative for someone living in a physically abusive home which is where my relationship was headed. When I read this book that I consider the companion "should I stay or should I go", I got the courage and much needed rebuilding of myself that helped me separate for 6 weeks. He finally went to get the help he has needed for 40 years. Another important book (the one I read before "inside the mind...", is "the emotionally destructive marriage" by Vernick. Marriage is not supposed to be like I lived for 40 years. I'm staying for now bc he is getting help, but I would not be here if I hadn't gotten the help I needed from these books. Praise Lundy, Patrissi and Vernick. They are doing the work that the majority of therapists (we are on #4 now in our two year recovery from his 20 years of affairs) will not do.

Big help to sort out your mans inconsistent behavior. Helps define abuse, addiction or mental behavior being the root for his reactions to you or life. Can be combination. Offers suggestion for help and evaluation of yourself in your situation. Defines normalecy to help understand your not crazy. Another great book on abuse is Is It My Fault by Holcomb.

I'm the kind of person that always gets buyer's remorse. Dissolving my relationship was a big thing and I couldn't start the process without being absolutely sure. This book helped me clarify the issues that my mate had that were making our relationship unsatisfying. I was done changing for him and I was tired of giving and not receiving anything in return.....This book is particularly good for those women who simply can't figure out what is wrong. The guy may seem charming and giving to everyone so automatically you can't find anyone to validate what you feel. This book will validate your feelings. For a longtime I could not put my finger what it was that was bothering me; I was dealing with a very clever and immature person (the book goes into details about immaturity). After reading this book you will be able to say I'm going to work on my issues or I'm leaving and I know exactly why. Lastly, I wish you strength and courage to deal with the loneliness that will come from grieving your lost relationship. Even though you're fed up and can't wait to break free and want to be able to take a deep breath, know that it's normal to be sad that it didn't work.

Book review by Richard L. Weaver II, Ph.D.

This is an outstanding book for many reasons. The first is the qualifications of the authors themselves. Bancroft has spent 15 years of his life specializing in domestic abuse and the behavior of abusive men. Having had some direct experience with abusive men, I can attest to the accuracy of his male-oriented observations throughout the book. Not many men are likely to read it, but I am certain if an abusive man were to, he would likely squirm at how precisely he was characterized. Bancroft is incredibly knowledgeable.

Patrissi has spent 20 years of her life specializing "in creative responses for survivors of abuse" (from the back flyleaf). Along with Bancroft they not only make a great writing team, but they are able to provide a valuable examination of both male and female aspects of behavior. Although the book is designed for women, it is a balanced approach--whether men would agree with this observation or not!

The second and, perhaps, most obvious reason this book is outstanding is that it is full of practical and meaningful ideas and suggestions. If a reader was looking for an answer to the book's title question, this book answers the question many times and in a wide variety of ways with numerous "signs" and "signals" about what to look for and how to respond. It is a great title and totally appropriate.

As the author of the college textbook, Communicating Effectively, 10e (McGraw-Hill, 2012), out of 16 chapters, I include two on interpersonal communication and an additional related chapter on "Conflict and Conflict Management." Bancroft and Patrissi have provided more significant, relevant, and interesting information that I will be able to use (with permission, of course) in my upcoming eleventh edition than I have discovered in any other single book. I am always in search of important material that I can include in my "Consider This" boxes that are designed to explain, enhance, or illustrate the text information. This book includes accurate, targeted, and salient material that will be most helpful to the freshmen and sophomores who will read my textbook.

The above paragraph is designed to show how reliable and valid I consider the material in this book -- even though there are two caveats that should be noted. First, the authors write it in the opening line of the "Introduction": "You are holding a book that has been written for women. . . ." On page 4, they repeat this caveat: "This book is directed at women, especially those who have a sense that their partner's behavior is a big part of why the relationship isn't working."

The authors also state the second caveat in the introduction when they say, "We refer throughout to women's partners as `he,' our area of greatest expertise is in relationships between men and women. . . ." As an addendum to this second caveat, the authors state: "We do not attempt to address in much detail those relationships between men and women where the woman is the one whose unhealthy behavior or failure to grow is the primary problem" (p. 4).

The fourth reason I found this book outstanding was the comfortable, engaging writing style of the authors. They make you want to read on. It is as if they are talking just to you and you alone. This makes the entire reading experience direct and personal, and it personalizes the advice and suggestions as well.

There are other reasons why I think this is an outstanding book. Fifth, the examples and illustrations are meaningful and helpful. What I found throughout the book was that if for a single moment you did not fully understand what the authors were talking about, their examples and information drove points home with interest, precision, and useful knowledge. If you could not cite or remember a particular suggestion, you are likely to remember the examples and illustrations. They are truly memorable.

The sixth reason why I think this book is outstanding is the exercises. There is just so much information in this book. The exercises are both practical and enlightening. Sometimes they are designed just for the edification of women readers and sometimes they are to be completed by women and their partners. Either way, they are useful and well-constructed. What I found particularly interesting about the exercises is that as you read along, they seem to appear at precisely the right moment -- where they might be needed the most.

Allow me here to group a number of additional reasons why this book is outstanding. The enclosed boxes provide additional illustrative material and information. In some cases they explain, in others they supply practical suggestions, in still others they break down the text information into specific elements that can be more easily grasped.

The "Resources" section is outstanding, the "Index" is thorough, and I loved the authors' emphasis on helping women work toward solutions rather than analyzing problems.

Having read the information closely, I agree with the authors' decision to put adapted versions of Chapters 9 and 11 on their Web site "because we [the authors] don't recommend that you share the actual book with your partner; we want it to be just for you." The chapters on the Web "have been modified to help him understand them [the chapters] and take them in." I don't know the authors' motivation for not wanting women to share the actual book with their partner, but my suspicion is that abusive men might just want to destroy the book--especially if they were to read it. They would consider it an attack on their manhood!f (It is, indeed, an attack on everything an abusive man stands for, and the book attempts to protect women from their partner's destructive behavior.)

I sincerely believe that the authors achieved their goal: "If you go through the steps and exercises that we lay out in the pages ahead, you will find yourself able to handle the challenges that lie ahead for you" (p. 2). This is truly an outstanding book--for more than simply the ten reasons discussed here. It is the effective combination of all these reasons that make this book a "must buy" for women in abusive relationships.

I think this book would be very beneficial for someone who is involved with someone who is abusive, has substance abuse issues or is just a lazy, mentally immature partner. This definitely isn't for the person struggling with a marriage/long term relationship where there's no abuse but rather years of emotional neglect, absent communication, or other more insidious reasons that relationships die a slow death. It's well written & has some good advice, just didn't apply at all to my situation.

This book is a MUST for anyone in a verbally abusive relationship. You will discover that it isn't you, it is him, and nothing you can do will make ever him happy. I tried everything - medication, counseling, marriage counseling, changing and doing the things he said he wanted, reading, talking, etc. I finally came across this book and "Why Does He Do That" to truly understand the dynamic behind his behavior and now understand that it was an impossible situation from the start.

This also helps you to see the patterns of behavior in these types of people so you won't be drawn into them again, thus repeating this toxic cycle.

This book is written for women in relationships with men, who in some form or other aren't being loving and caring partners, and it takes you through all the tough questions you need to answer in order to find your own voice again. For some that means giving your relationship another try, IF he's willing to do the work, for others it means letting go now. Whichever path you choose, you will find support and warmth throughout this book, and by the time you read the last page, you will feel more centered and more clear about what to do, and you will know yourself a whole lot better.
I recommend this book to anyone living in an unhealthy relationship - because solving your problems in an unhealthy relationship is nothing like solving them in a healthy one, and the advice given here is spot on.

Excellent research and insight. Lundy Bancroft's work has helped victims of domestic violence to empower themselves, and this book is a great tool for those in difficult or abusive relationships. I highly recommend this book.

In short, this book was amazing. There are several thinking and writing exercises tucked into some very helpful, encouraging, guiding information. I did not finish the writing exercises at the end of the book on finding a new partner, only because I've chosen to just deal with what's happening/happened in my recent past and present.

It took me a month of reading/working through the book but it was totally worth it. This book has helped me find my own calm in the storm; it helped me find the strengh I needed to move forward and the courage to stay strong. If you do not know where you stand in your current situation or what to do, this book will help you if you take the time for it.

Wonderfully written book containing priceless amounts of information for an abused person. Compassion and understanding flows from it's pages. Advice and analysis are presented in the most healing kind of way. It's full of practical exercises that are designed to initiate a healthy thinking process in an abused individual. I highly recommend this book to anyone who is being abused or is just curious about what an abused person goes through.

Patrissi is a goldmine of healing for women. I've really liked Bancroft's other books, and I like what he has to say about the work men need to do in this one, too, but I'm so excited to find a woman who really knows what it is like to figure out what is going on in your relationship and how come I still feel like I love him so much. She really, really gets it--and she never judges you. Her exercises are amazing--I am really changing while I'm doing them. I bought one for my best friend and we are doing them together. She writes more about these things on her blog--I wrote her--and she wrote me right back! I'm going to one of her retreats, too. This book is changing my life.

This book is just okay. It didn't really offer any new insights, all right maybe as a starting point. Instead, I would recommend "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad To Stay" by Mira Kirshenbaum to anyone who is stuck in relationship ambivilance. It is a much more thorough book that explains EVERYTHING.

This book is just okay. It didn't really offer any new insights, all right maybe as a starting point. Instead, I would recommend "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad To Stay" by Mira Kirshenbaum to anyone who is stuck in relationship ambivilance. It is a much more thorough book that explains EVERYTHING.

$13.99 for Kindle edition! Your concern for women is underwhelming. My friend is in distress and all of the digital editions of this book and others, supposedly helping abused women. are unattainable by many women in that position. Yes, I checked the library.

That's what the title of this book should be!!!

This book could be so much more helpful to women had it at least had a relevant chapter on the role many women play in failing relationships!

Just the very nature of a woman, in general, is riddled with confusion, inner conflict, and aspects that no man could decipher. This book, with it's blatant omission of any self-responsibility for women, is proof positive that a woman is a woman's worst enemy!

I challenge the author to survey some of the women who used this book to determine to divorce and see how many of their lives changed for the better after they divorced, or if they just changed the name and face of their purported problem (their husband) and still face many of the same issues they suffered when married? Bottom line, you can't run from yourself without eventually coming face to face with yourself.