How to Talk to Someone When You're Mad - or Desperate

If it wasn't for its horribly cheap paper quality, I'd have given a 4 or 5 star review based on its content. It's rough on my fingers every time I turn the page. It not only feels cheap, but also looks cheap. The same review applies for all of her other books, unfortunately - same cheap editor.

The title of this book is very intriguing and the subject of learning how to improve communication skills when things are rough is very compelling. I was astonished and very dissapointed with the author's approach - so much so, that I was not able to make it past page 35. I would not have made the expenditure had I known that the author created a platform for her philosophy of relationships. Had that been my interest at the time, there are far more interesting treatises on the subject. I rate this book as a 1 because there isn't a lower number.

As Garrison Keillor is quoted on page 223 of this outstanding book, "Marrying for Sex is like flying to London for the free peanuts and pretzels. It is not the point of the thing, is it?" A copy of this outstanding text should be on the shelves of all of our City, County, University, and College of Medicine Libraries. A copy should be given to all of our First Year Medical Students to read and discuss with their MENTORS. A copy should be given to ALL couples of ALL faiths to read and discuss with their CLERGY prior to and before their consideration of marriage. In reading and re-reading this text I am somewhat reminded of the Comedy by Sir William Shakespeare (1564 - 1616) in which the following appears, written hundreds of years ago, "Reason and Love keep Little Company Nowadays!"

As a clinical psychologist, I have often recommended Harriet Lerner's books in the past and will certainly recommend this one.

This is a wonderful book that focuses on the healing effect of finding your own unique voice and speaking your own unique truth. Dr. Lerner helps you find this "authentic voice" and shows with example after example how it can help to heal marriages, families or friendships.

Dr. Lerner shows the benefits of being thoughtful and considerate of what you are saying before you blurt out something you don't really mean. You are not necessarily speaking your own truth if you say the first thing that comes into your mind, she cautions. Her book is aimed at the relationships and connections between men and women and shows how to maximize the chances of getting a meaningful response based on how the other person responds.

This book offers very good examples of how to re-connect, even when there have been really horrific cut offs of not days but years, or when a family has a history of cut offs.

Readers who liked her other books will love his one. I did.

Carol Ummel Lindquist, Ph.D.

In a moment when we feel safe, loved, comfortable, and relaxed, most people can communicate quite well and strengthen relationships. Catch us off guard with a terrible blow from someone close, and our knees may jerk so hard that they hit us in the jaw. We may say and do things that damage or destroy relationships. What can we do instead of these harmful reactions? How can we repair things once the damage has been done?
While many authors have written fine books about building and maintaining good and deteriorating relationships, this book has taken on all of the tough issues as its focus. You think your spouse is cheating with someone else. Your child won't speak to you. Your husband has taken liberties with your daughter. Your best friend says she or he never wants to see you again. There's a terrible family crisis and the other person cuts you off.
Dr. Lerner draws on her personal experiences as well as case histories from her practice as a psychotherapist to give you answers. In doing so, she doesn't promise solutions will follow. But you can be sure that you will have done a great deal to try to help the situation.
The book starts with the contrast of adult behavior to how children behave. Two children become angry in a sandbox, but five minutes later are quietly playing together again. "They choose happiness over righteousness." Adults usually do the opposite.
The essence of the book is to encourage you to figure out what you need to have from a relationship, and to communicate those needs, while finding out the same from the other person. In that simple statement, the book's concept is very much like the better negotiating books (such as Getting to Yes). Naturally, this advice is a lot harder to follow when your most intimate and closest relationships are involved. So you need someone to talk it over with. You can also use this book as a source of coaching for most of the tough personal situations you may find yourself in. While reading this book, you will get more from it if you keep an open mind about the specifics of the advice being presented.
The overriding point Dr. Lerner is making is that the other person may be in the wrong, but if you make him or her feel unhappy all of the time about it, you may lose the relationship. If the relationship is important to you, you may win the battle and lose the war.
There is a lot of judgmental advice in here about when to be silent, when to speak, and how much to say and in what ways. In different families and with different cultures, these rules will be quite different and Dr. Lerner makes that point explicit. You have to decide how you want to respond. That's what's important.
Although this book will seem like a natural to many women, I think most men will benefit as well. The examples go from the perspectives of both sexes, and men will get many valuable ideas for constructive ways to deal with conflict and issues. In my case, I find myself spending a lot of time listening to other people unburden themselves. Sometimes, this gets to be more than I am comfortable with. The book provided me with some valuable ideas for drawing limits to how many times I have to listen to the same complaint while still expressing my desire to support and be there for the other person.
I thought that the best parts of the book were the concepts of asking questions to find out more about what and why the other person is feelings the way she or he is, and providing the kinds of support that will make others realize that we care about them. Both are enriching and rewarding things to do.
Knowing that some people have trouble apologizing, I thought that the book was realistic to point out that in some relationships you are not going to get apologies. You should face up to that and decide how you feel about it.
After you finish reading and thinking about this excellent book, I hope you will drop a note, call, talk to, or give a hug to each person you care about in the next 24 hours. If you find that rewarding, pick a regular day in your schedule to repeat the process. As many people report, sometimes the best way to get more love . . . is to give more first!
Find the silver lining, even during the storms of your relationships, by learning how to become closer and more in tune!

this book was a suggestion from my CBT counselor and, boy, I can't say enough about this book. I'm too accommodating, too nice, and think of others too much, which has resulted in some situations that were not healthy for me. This book does a fantastic job of breaking down behaviors, giving examples and then, most importantly, strategies to work on removing these behaviors. Highly recommended.

Dr. Harriet Lerner's book, the Dance of Connection, refocused me on the importance of good communication. As a certified group psychotherapist and psychotherapist I think this well thought out book offers interesting examples and engaging stories to illustrate how we as people can relate more effectively when communicating with others whether family, friend or business connection. I found Dr. Lerner's words personally validating when checking on my own communication skills where I have done a good job and where to let it alone when I am trying too hard.

I recommend this wonderful book to my clients as well as Dr. Lerner's other well written books that I have read: The Dance of Intimacy, The Dance of Anger and The Dance of Deception.

Mary Jane Hurley Brant, Author of When Every Day Matters

I thought the book was informative, thought provoking and a good reminder of basics I already knew. The author used stories from different relationships (mother/daughter, married couples, parent child) which really helped me to see some issues from a different perspective. I would recommend the book to those trying to put their marriage back together.

Looks like there are mixed reviews for this book. Well, it's all a matter of what you happen to be looking for. If you are expecting an instruction manual...if you want to learn techniques, this really isn't your book. This is more like a pleasurable essay, a well-written, good read, with some gems in terms of psychological insights that you may take with you beyond the reading of the book. Finding and/or getting clear about your voice is a theme in this book. It has the feeling of a conversation with a friend, and I find it admirable -- and I think it will be helpful to many readers -- that the author was willing and able to share her own life experiences as she did.

My counselor suggested that I read this book and I am so glad she did! It is so easy to read, and it has so much helpful insight that I have read it twice and recommended it to many of my friends and family members.

The Dance of Connection gives advice on how to set boundaries within your relationships so that you don't end up feeling used or resentful. It also is really clear about how to keep a relationship alive without completely distancing from it or abandoning it.

This book is really easy to read. It includes lots of bullets for important points, stories of how people have dealt with their relationships, and kind-hearted advice about how to give yourself space and time to deal with the issues in your own relationships.

Harriet Lerner has written a book that speaks to the best in all of us. She speaks of being able to feel, think, and speak at the same time, or at least in some reasonable time frame.
She deals with issues of hurt, anger, resentment, individuation, autonomy so well, while at the same time respecting relationships, and learning to foster more intimate ones. There is nothing "gamey" about her advice, nothing manipulative, no oneupmanship, no proving, just honesty and caring in a respectful way.
There are so many self-help books around on relationships that get people in more trouble than they were before. Dr. Lerner has succeeded in providing wisdom, humility, humor and understanding so that people can grow and develop throughout the life cycle.

This book is very well written and down to earth, but I thought that it would give more substantial ideas on how to fight fairly and communicate well with your partner and/or family. Instead it was much more general in discussing relationships.
Still, it certainly made me think about how I relate to the people in my life.

I'm a therapist, and like therapists around the country I recommend Lerner's books to my clients, especially THE DANCE OF ANGER. To be honest, I thought she had said it all. But to my surprise, she really outdid herself in this book. No one can afford to miss this one. Her writing is witty, engaging and her advice is solid and clear as a bell. She teaches us how to talk to the most difficult people in the most difficult situations, like when we are betrayed, rejected, insulted, or cut-off. This book offers help when we can't figure out whether to stay or leave a relationship, when we can't make ourselves heard, or when a partner or family member can't or won't apologize. It's a book to read slowly and savor, because it will change your life. Or you might just zip through it because you can't put it down.

The description listed this item as "Used, Very Good" but there is a very personal inscription in permanent marker on the inside of the cover, that not only can you read through the front cover, completely ruining the outside look of the book, but it's an extremely negative comment about cutting people out the note writer's life. This book should never have been listed as "Very Good" condition. I'm extremely disappointed.

The dance of connection-- By: Harriet Lerner

This is the second book I have tried to read from Harriet. The last one I was able to read, but found myself jumping through huge chunks that were useless to me. In this book though I found that I couldn't even get into her writing. Also, I found myself jumping huge chunks again. VERY DISAPPOINTING!!

For an author whose books all say how she is, "One of the nation's most loved and respected relationship experts" her writing style isn't engaging at all.

It's written very clearly but not at a therapeutic level, more so any lay person can understand.

I personally wouldn't recommend anyone to this book so I give it 1/5. It could help some people who don't know much already but it's not for an advanced reader of psychology.

P

And of course I believe everyone can benefit by learning "emotional intellectualism" and how to "fight fair"--just for their own personal evolution, etc. --However, I also know from bitter personal experience, that one can reach out, send hugs, letters, gifts, cards, calls, not expect (nor even desire) an apology from someone who really is at fault, really has hurt and/or betrayed you in some way--and all you want to say is "ouch, please don't do "x" cause it hurts me"--only to find that no amount of logic, love, communication and/or caring can make that other human care and/or reciprocrate--or even listen to one for that matter--but the worst is when this even includes ones' closest and most intimate blood relatives. The deepest cut is when the person you're attempting to reach is your own supposedly superior, intellegent, PhD-educated, IBM veteran father and your three grown (all 30-50 year old) college educated, professional, so-called "successful" brothers.
But each and every effort on my part to communicate (so far anyway--5 years now--but "never say never" I guess--but let's face it--it's going to be "never"--My own mom died when I was 7 and there's no one to support or take my side now) has met with either NO response (best scenario), or else my letters/gifts returned by the PostMan, unopened and marked "refused by sender" (a little worse)--or (worst case scenario) you get horrible ranting hostile personal attacking email, or phone call which attacks you personally as being "unfit" or "bad" human deserving of nothing good--and completely failing to address the hurt one had originally mentioned, and attempted to resolve--just adding a myriad of new painful hostilie attacks on one instead. I never believed one's own father could choose his ego/pride over his only daughter's heart and soul--but I was wrong. I am a living example that sometimes..."sh-t happens." And you cannot stop it. Unfair "sh-t" happens and you're powerless to prevent and/or resolve it. A relationship involves 2 people. 1 person cannot fix it. No matter how hard she might try or desire it otherwise. And that is a pain I hope no one else (although I'm sure there must be some) has to share with me.
Just a word to the "wise..." (and/or "ignorant"--as the case may be)
Thanks! And don't stop trying anyway, ok? Shalom, to all my human brothers and sisters--all human siblings everywhere...