Reconciling the Erotic & the Domestic - Mating in Captivity

This book is easy to read, not boring.
Some points of view are questionable and don't really help in one individual life
it doesn't have any new ideas that you can catch and use when you have a difficult situation.
Ideas from the other books help more. I think that book "Passionate marriage" by David Schnarch, or "Passionista" by Ian Kerner are more helpful and useful.
This is just another book with some life examples from consulting practice

Central idea is that we lose our sense of separateness as we gain intimacy with our partner and how that makes the partner less sexy. Sounds simple, but it manifests in so many different ways. Super good book about marriage.

I am 68 years old and thought I understood relationships. My present relationship, has been going for 20 years and it has not been until the last 3 years that the passion/erotic component started to wane. The many diverse cases dealt with by Perel illustrate the various types of reasons for a loss of want in a long time relationship, I have posted many highlightings in my FB and Twitter that seemed particularly iluminating.
Hope she keeps on exploring the increasing boundaries of relationships, particularly male-female, that defy tradition and that enrich todays "almost accepted" gamma of combinations of intimacy, passion, caring, organization, power share, committment, etc!
The world is finally changing rapidly, and relationships are breaking paradigms of long standing. Women are waking up and exploring their potential.

This book addresses the underlying subjects and roots to why marriages are failing! The author approaches the subject without the western biases that have made erotic taboo and sinful. Very refreshing approach to one of our societies greatest ills.

I really like Perel's take on sexual relationships in America from a European point-of-view... as an American living in Europe, I must say I agree with her. She does some interesting analysis on the effect that intimacy has on sexual tension, and though she offers no easy solutions, she addresses many problems that a long-term monogamous couple may have. Speaking personally,I could see myself reflected in some of her case studies. The only thing that prevented me from giving this book 5-stars was the last chapter,in which she argues that monogamy is overrated, a perspective which I found unconvincing. Overall, well worth it

Great book, I recommend it to anyone, even if you don't "need" to read it.
Written in a very nice, Sex-and-the-City-like, style. Explains a lot of things in a way you probably haven't thought of them before. Makes you think about yourself, your desire, your relashionship and how you may be damaging it.

Esther Perel is intelligent, knowledgable , interesting and daring. She brings a coherent and profound analysis of the paradox of love,marriage and sexuality in our narcissistic era, She dares where other therapists only doubt and remain silent, She exposes with simplicity and depth the misery, the suffering, and the immense source of energy that human sexuality an represent in our demanding times. Strongly recommended.

Perel's excitement about her work and the impact it can have in relationships is most accessible when watching her Ted Talk. The book is a good campanion piece. Better yet? Seeing Perel regularly. She's a true gem of common sense.

Definitely one of the most informative and eye-opening perspectives on modern relationships and sexuality.

Esther's anecdotes are particularly useful, as well as being compassionate and sometimes quite humorous.

In Mating in Captivity, Esther Perel supports the theory of Differentiation of Self (Murray Bowen) in order to make a positive impact on your intimacy level in a relationship.

Many couples find themselves at a place where intimacy has fled, sex is flat or nonexistent, and they are wondering - should I even stay in this relationship? What has happened to this couple who once couldn't stand being away from each other? How did it happen, and can it be fixed?

Perel uses examples such as watching your partner when they are in their element -such as speaking before a group, or dancing elegantly, whatever they do well. And latch on to the feeling that you feel when you are proud of them, when you are observing others appreciating them. This is what fuels passion. Knowing that your partner is separate from you, has separate talents, desires, abilities.

Separateness fuels passion. It makes you want to come together again. Of course this is a simplistic summary, but her book is not meant to be scholarly, it's more designed to appeal to anyone who feels passionless in their relationship. That person wants straight forward advice and there is that in this book.

This book does not go into the detail that David Schnarch's A Passionate Marriage does.

Esther Perel is intelligent, knowledgable , interesting and daring. She brings a coherent and profound analysis of the paradox of love,marriage and sexuality in our narcissistic era, She dares where other therapists only doubt and remain silent, She exposes with simplicity and depth the misery, the suffering, and the immense source of energy that human sexuality an represent in our demanding times. Strongly recommended.

Perel's excitement about her work and the impact it can have in relationships is most accessible when watching her Ted Talk. The book is a good campanion piece. Better yet? Seeing Perel regularly. She's a true gem of common sense.

Definitely one of the most informative and eye-opening perspectives on modern relationships and sexuality.

Esther's anecdotes are particularly useful, as well as being compassionate and sometimes quite humorous.

In Mating in Captivity, Esther Perel supports the theory of Differentiation of Self (Murray Bowen) in order to make a positive impact on your intimacy level in a relationship.

Many couples find themselves at a place where intimacy has fled, sex is flat or nonexistent, and they are wondering - should I even stay in this relationship? What has happened to this couple who once couldn't stand being away from each other? How did it happen, and can it be fixed?

Perel uses examples such as watching your partner when they are in their element -such as speaking before a group, or dancing elegantly, whatever they do well. And latch on to the feeling that you feel when you are proud of them, when you are observing others appreciating them. This is what fuels passion. Knowing that your partner is separate from you, has separate talents, desires, abilities.

Separateness fuels passion. It makes you want to come together again. Of course this is a simplistic summary, but her book is not meant to be scholarly, it's more designed to appeal to anyone who feels passionless in their relationship. That person wants straight forward advice and there is that in this book.

This book does not go into the detail that David Schnarch's A Passionate Marriage does.

This book breaks from the traditional "better emotional intimacy means better sex" and really tries to understand what prevents couples from having satisfying sexual relationships. One new perspective is that of how fidelity or lack thereof affects a couple's sex life. Definitely an interesting, thougt-provoking read.

Really enjoyed this book and learned a lot about relationships and how to make them work. There is no right or wrong; it all comes down to one's personal decisions. What's important is respect and agreement. There is no room for blame. Like anything else that works in our lives, we need to give attention to our needs as well as our partner's.

This is a really, really great book on navigating relationships and is great for both couples and singles. Based on the title you may think it is all about sex. However, to me, it is all about maintaining "who you are" and a healthy amount of independence or distance within the relationship so that the spark and passion stays strong between you. A spark doesn't happen without a bit of distance that it can arc across. This is true for passion and interest in relationships too.

The book is written by a European who has been living in the U.S. and working as a therapist here for years. Through her background she has identified key issues in the way we handle relationships in the U.S. that are actually killing the passion. It does also discuss the differences between one partner and another in relation to passion, sexual interest, and general interest and gives suggestions on how to find a workable plan if those differences aren't changeable.

The author discusses how our U.S. culture encourages complete enmeshment with our partners - so there are no secrets, no boundaries, nothing personal or private away from your partner. The problem with this is that you need to keep your individuality intact in order for a relationship to keep it's spark. It is our differences, the mystery of the "other" that creates passion. Without this you'll be hard pressed to have passion in your relationship. If you do everything with your partner, what new do you have to discuss and share? If you are in the bathroom while your partner does their most unpleasant business, how do you then turn around and see them in a passionate way? (my example, not the author's) This enmeshment is not common abroad. It is better understood overseas that you need to maintain independence and a level of mystery in order to keep passion burning. Significantly more marriages fail in the U.S. than abroad and perhaps this is why.

By keeping your independence and NOT being an open book who does nothing without your partner you maintain the mystery and interest needed for passion. A passionate marriage is a happy and fulfilling marriage. Don't give up your favorite things or your activities with friends. Make time to go out with your best friends without your partner. Did you have a favorite activity pre-partnership that you never do anymore? Go do it - alone or with friends. Don't make every activity be with your partner - it's just too much. Then, when you come together you have different things to share, unique experiences and that difference, the mystery is intact. The author explains this whole concept so much better than I do - you really must read this book. I'd say it is my favorite book on relationships - and I read tons of books on that kind of thing(I'm in a doctorate of psychology program).

There are, of course, individual differences in passion levels, sexual interest levels, and personal activity levels as well. These differences, and how to find a workable plan to satisfy those differences, are also discussed in the book. Essentially it tells you how to optimize the passion and interest, and then work from there to find a place that meets both partner's intimacy level needs.

Summary: The U.S. has a different perspective on how relationships ought to be compared to abroad. The U.S. also has a significantly higher rate of divorce and relationship unhappiness. The premise of this book is that we become too enmeshed with our partner and lose our individuality. This kills passion, which needs difference and mystery to exist. This is understood abroad and relationships are handled differently there. The book demonstrates this theory through easy to read client examples and offers suggestions on how to return independence and passion to a relationship.

Perel does great job elucidating the duality of intimacy and sex...the dynamic between the two is not typically well understood by most couples...so they often end up being good friends with no sex. Learn from her how the dynamic between these two can be optimized for staying intimate with your mate while enjoying a good/great sex life.

The author knows so much, has so much deep insight and experience of the different varieties of relationships and the challenges long term familiarity can create. As well as how to overcome them and achieve a continuing erotic life together, and to ground expectations in reality.

Magic and intelligent and should be mandatory reading (and set as exam'ed) for everyone in or contemplating a relationship. The key being that all couples should understand the difference between love and desire, and intimacy and mystery. I learned!!! Hell --- I learned because I spent so much of my life failing. By the time I turned my current age, I realized this was not a theory, it was a fact!!! So I tested it and honed it and I now have not one, two or three or four, but five magical relationships all of which have the same basic understanding of love and desire...and intimacy and mystery. Read this book. I don't implore you to, I command (make that bold please!!!) you to. And no...I have never met the author, nor did I get a free copy, I paid my money, took my chance and...hell's bells I changed my and some of those around me...lives.

Brilliant.

I really love listening to Esther Perel’s talks on YouTube, and her book is equally insightful and full of modern wisdom deep from the trenches of clinical psychology. I am eternally fascinated with human behavior, especially my own, and the beliefs and attitudes that shape our worldviews. Esther delivers heaps of insight and understanding, and I came out understanding myself more as well as those around me. Her writing is not just insightful but also challenging, in that you may find yourself reappraising your own world views, conclusions, and assumptions, and getting more clear on what you personally want in your own life. Reading her many clinical examples and experiences helps to define and refine stances that we perhaps never really questioned about ourselves and others. Ah and that is the beauty of psychology, to challenge our habitual mindsets and habits!

Esther Perel is an awesome analyst and articulate, sensitive writer. She shares a practical and miraculously intuitive depth while exploring the stories of her coupled clients as they reveal and learn to overcome the common obstacles of intimacy while living the routine in a complicated world. A forefront reminder that engaging in a lifelong, soulful sex life is essential to overall physical and mental health. She makes the dilemmas, the indescribable twists and turns of relationship and the path to betterment and connection seem so obvious, we can learn to use these skills too. Love this one, possibly the most eye opening book of this kind I've ever read.

A very thoughtful and well written account of the often secret and untold side of intimate relationships. In my opinion, some of the seemingly unedited stories and descriptions were a bit strange. The last chapter is excellent and shows off the amazing insight this author has into the human condition.

This is the best of all the books on relationships that this therapist has read. This articulate, intelligent and humorous look at the inherited beliefs, values and patterns of couples and how they affect their relationships is enlightening and the most enjoyable book I have read in a long time. I will read anything Esther Perel writes.

The perspective here is unique and uniquely optimistic: The author presumes we HAVE "erotic intelligence" and all we have to do is "unlock" it! These days especially, anyone who presumes that we humans are a form of intelligent life is going a bit out on a limb. But for Perel to go still further and affirm in us an enduring eroticism that we can handle in any but the most puerile ways-- well, it was comforting just knowing that someone of her insight and skills thinks this much of us. As I read, I found myself thinking of Fromm's "Escape from Freedom," and wondering whether the great majority of us do not seek relationships, and especially marriages, precisely in order NOT to have to become "intelligent" about our eroticism. Don't most of us prefer dumbed-down intimacy and vacuous sexuality? Perhaps not, for this book has found an audience (or perhaps that was Oprah's doing?), and this author clearly is writing for more than the few. Her questions deserve to be existentially explored.

This book is an excellent communication of decades of experience of relationships between loving couples. I was surprised to find myself reading another "relationship book" because I don't want another relationship. Still, I appreciated the honesty of the author and her ability to express her ideas and experiences, as well as the experiences of her clients. If you are seriously interested in improving your relationship with a significant partner, then you should include this book. The best part is that Ms. Perel does not say that "this is the way" but rather relates many ideas that really worked for some real people. They may work for you and her insights are worth knowing, Two decades of valuable experience and a career of advice within one short book. A bargain in life. Thanks, Ms. Perel

If you are ever wondering about the following, then this book is for you:

Can a relationship maintain it's spark in the long term?
Why do men cheat?
Why do women cheat?
Is monogomy really the ideal relationship?
How can I rekindle passion after having kids?
Why am I no longer attracted to my wife/husband the same way I used to be?
Why do the romantic/erotic parts of the relationship fade over time?
What is true love?
Am I in love or just in lust?
Will I be happier if I leave my relationship?
Will I be happier with someone else?
Why do I feel so guilty about my feelings?
Does my spouse have fantasies about others?

I can't guarantee that this book will completely answer the above questions for you to your satisfaction, but I can guarantee that it will at least lead you to asking the right questions and looking in the right direction. In addition to this book, I also reccomend: "The Ethical Slut" and "Marriage Confidential" Both are good reads.

Does good intimacy always make for good sex? This question is posed throughout this paperback by its author, Esther Perel. She argues by many case studies & examples that intimacy is usually a deterrent to desire; therefore it is often to a couple's advantage to approach sex from a fantasy viewpoint. That way, couples can play around & experiment w. other roles for variety & reality does not get in the way. Esther is a couples & family therapist (read sex therapist) in New York. Her book is both engaging & thought-provoking. She encourages everyone (gay & straight) to "unlock" their own erotic intelligence. Sex doesn't have to be boring or banal, she says. Variety (w. your partner) is the spice that can make enthusiasm come alive again. I'm saying put this book on your must-read list. And I'm giving "Mating In Captivity" 2 thumbs up (out of 2) & 5 stars out of 5.

Esther Perel has a beautiful grasp of the English language, and crafted a compelling journey into the whys and hows of married intimacy and the struggles that exist therein. This book was a joy to read, but also had meaningful information and viable explanations and solutions to aforementioned struggles.I found this book useful for my own marriage, but also a necessary handbook for writing romance novels. Any author writing romance should have a copy on hand.