The Twenty-five Rules of Considerate Conduct - Choosing Civility

This is an interesting read, I'm actually reading through it for one of my uni classes and I'm not disappointed at all about paying for this book. This should be required reading for kids growing up, civility is not a common as you would hope unfortunately. Some of the ideas outlined in this book seem like common knowledge, but I would recommend it none the less.

This book is excellent. It isn't just about having good manners. It is about living a good life and how to share your life civilly with others. If we all acted like this man suggest there would be so much less hurt and more love in the world.

This book was an awesome read. It helps one become aware of how to act in society. It covers the obivous and the subtle rules of civility. The best part of reading this book is seeing where you are in civility. This book is a must read.

I was pretty disappointed when I just received this book. The papers were kind of like newspaper. Maybe that is what paperback means. But the content is so interesting and thought provoking that I couldn't put it down. I would like to recommend it to my friends.

I probably couldn't tolerate having the author around for more than 15 minutes. I was brought up with the same principles but no one in my family thankfully talks in this uppity holier-than-thou fashion. And by the way when someone is having a bad day no one in my family would "voice displeasure" as the author suggests. We would politely refrain from any comment or reaction because we all have bad days and it's nice when people are forgiving.

"Choosing Civility" is a very helpful book that can aid us in our social and professional lives and environments.

The following concepts author Forni advises are in my opinion, reflections of good character. And if a person doesn't follow the list below they can attain good traits and enhance the character by doing so, after reading this book. Sometimes or perhaps often, we break the rules of the following list, unintentionally. Some of the list comprises and advises: acknowledge others, be inclusive, be agreeable, apologize earnestly and thoughtfully, avoid personal questions, don't shift responsibility and blame. Also, avoid whining about trivial things that cannot be changed. Whining is like a virus. It spreads, changes the atmospher, and it brings the rest of us down.

"Choosing Civility" focuses on the "I" and not how to deal with "others" who lack politeness and tact. But this makes sense doesn't it? Better to change yourself than to spend time and energy trying to change others.

Wise words above, or more accurately, common sense.

Being more polite is easy to think about, but more difficult to do. But changes can be made if we thoughtfully put them into use. Forni notes the importance of keeping these acts in our consciousness. Then it can change into thought-processes and actions that happen habitually instead of only a couple of times.

But why are we more uncivil today? Are we? If so, how do we know? In current times, we do live separated from other people, be it in a cul-de-sac in a suburb, driving down the highway, or among strangers in massive grocery stores.

This book won't change anyone's life, but it will remind and reinforce common sense and polite behavoir. Being civil is easy to do and doesn't cost anything. "Choosing civility" *might* help certain workers in the workplace. It's up to them.

Choosing Civility is a much-needed book. The world that we live in seems to have lost touch with the things that are truly important: connection, friendship and loyalty. These things are all acheivable through one simple concept: civility.
PM Forni's book is simple and straightforward. I was worried that, because of the academic background that I found in his biography, the book might be too difficult and cerebral. Fortunately, the writing is concise and accessible; witty and fresh, so the concepts Forni puts forward are easy to understand and implement. This isn't to say, though, that the book is trivial. There is some serious research behind the writing, and the author seems to be very passionate about his subject.
Choosing Civility is a wonderful book to read, and the message is important. A definite winner!

Mr. Forni has written a book about civility for times that are, perhaps, less civil than we might like. He has given us 25 rules designed to make life easier, kinder, and more pleasant in a world filled with race riots, road rage, and young people who see and emulate violence from television and video games every day. On page 89, he gives us two thoughts about how to be an agreeable conversationalist, which also sums up much of his book: 1) Consider you might be wrong, and 2) Admit that you don’t know. Mr. Forni’s approach to life, while different than the popular independent approach, is respectful of both the individual and the group. He advises us to remember the polite behaviors of an earlier time. I recommend not only reading this book, but sharing it with others, and keeping it on your bookshelf as a practical reference.

Patricia McGinnis, Author
“Change Pain to Gain: The Secrets of Turning Conflict into Opportunity”

Candidly, reading such a sneaky and seductive little book as Choosing Civility (sneaky and seductive because, as the boss used to say, 'he puts into words stuff you already know' and thus sort of tricks you into coming to grips with deeper ideas) reminds me of where I'm not exactly being the best I can be. Just from Chapter 1: Pay Attention, on more than a handful of occasions I don't really pay attention to people, to what they're telling me, to their body language, to their tone of voice. Even if I can respond logically to their words, I can be oblivious to the subtext and context.

Then going down the list by reading through the book, sure, I can be a whole lot better. Not to pick on myself exclusively here, I'll bet the great majority of people can move forward in these civility categories, too.

...

For my complete review of this book and for other book and movie
reviews, please visit my site [...]

Brian Wright
Copyright 2009

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If I could give every student, from 4th-grade through graduate school, a gift, this paperback is the gift I would give them.

P.M. Forni is a professor of Italian Literature and also of Civility, at Johns Hopkins University. The book is small and easy to read but packs a wallop. Forni's lessons are simple but thoughtful and a reminder that the world can only be as good as we, collectively and individually, make it.

This is a lovely little book book. Buy it. Read it. Keep it in your thoughts and in your mind.

Kim Burdick
Stanton, DE

P.M. Forni's Choosing civility: The twenty-five rules of considerate conduct is an excellent book. The text breaks down Forni's twenty-five rules of civility and applies them to everyday situations. Prior to reading this book I was concerned with the concept of civility being limited to twenty-five rules. However, these rules are expressed in a way that is easily relatable and can be applied in many different ways. In addition to this section of rules, the text also contains two other parts. Within the lines of these sections Forni talks about civility in life and relationships as well as the effect civility has on intercultural communication. These three parts complement each other in a great way. I was able to not only understand each point, but to recall specific situations from my past where I could have used one of these rules in order to better that condition. Further more, Forni is what I consider to be an expert in civility. His years of studying and teaching civility earned him this title. As a result his work has sold over 100,000 copies and has been on a number of bestseller lists. I highly suggest Choosing Civility to all that are interested. It is an easy read and truly contains a mass appeal that can make in impact on the lives of those who read it. Having a simple text presented by such a credible author is the perfect combination of knowledge and pop-culture appeal. If you are someone researching civility, or simply want an interesting book to skim through, Forni's 196-page text will more than satisfy your needs.

Read and thoroughly enjoyed CHOOSING CIVILITY by
Dr. P.M. Forni, a professor who teaches civility and Italian
literature at Johns Hopkins University . . . it is a little but
thoughtful book that I strongly recommend to anybody looking to
make life both easier and more enjoyable . . . we all find ourselves surrounded by those we perceive as inconsiderate (never us,of course!) . . . but how can we manage to live with such people?
Forni presents lots of useful examples, as well as advice,
on how to answer that question . . . in addition, he provides
25 rules that readers are urged to at least ponder . . . some
of them are as follows:
Acknowledge others
Be inclusive
Be agreeable
Apologize earnestly and thoughtfully
Avoid personal questions,
Don't shift responsibility and blame
While all these might seem basic, in reality, they
are quite a bit trickier to follow . . . but Forni
got me thinking about them, and that's a good
thing . . . now to actually implement them into
my daily existence, well . . . that's something
I can at least work toward!
There were many memorable passages; among them:
Healthy young men from two Harvard classes of the early
1950s were asked to fill out a questionnaire that would
assess how close they were to their parents. A check of
their medical records 35 years later yielded intriguing data.
One hundred percent of the men who had reported low levels
of closeness to both parents had been diagnosed in the following
years with serious diseases such as heart disease and duodenal
ulcer. Among those who had reported good, warm relationships with both parents only 47 percent had been similarly diagnosed.
A colleague tells me over the telephone that she went to Florida for a vacation. Instead of asking her how her vacation was, I hasten to tell her how I feel about Florida. I quickly add what I like to do when I am there. And finally, I break the fascinating news that I was there two years ago, didn't go last winter, but hope to return the next. The result: my colleague's
experience and feelings get lost completely in my inane
and self-centered rambling.
It's Saturday morning and you are not planning
to go out all day. Do you have to shave? Do you
have to wash your hair? Do you have to wear clean
underwear even if that means doing a load of laundry
because you underwear drawer is empty? Maybe you
want to shave, wash your hair, and wear clean underwear,
because you wouldn't be comfortable otherwise. But
you may need and incentive. If it's hard to do the
grooming just for yourself, do it for those who share
your home. No one will be physically closer to you
for a longer time than your companion, your spouse,
and your family. Make sure that your body care is
such that it adds to their pleasure in being with you.
Let's disabuse ourselves of the rather common
notion that although we are expected to be well
groomed in public, there is nothing wrong with a little
private slovenliness. This is part of a larger assumption
that good manners in general can be forgotten
when we are with those closest to us. On the contrary,
being civil to them is one of the most concrete ways
to show them that we love them.
And, lastly, with respect to how long a visit should be,
I chuckled at his use of Jane Austin's witty observation:
"It was a delightful visit--being much too short."

Dr. Forni addresses a root problem in our ailing society: civility is on the wane. Scads of people act rudely, crudely and indifferently without hesitation; it's as automatic to them as eating and breathing. Forni gives us 25 thoughtful rules of conduct to become a civilized person and by reading them, allow us to take a hard look at ourselves to make sure we are not part of this burgeoning incivility problem.
Forni also comments on different aspects of civility: why is it in such short supply? He hits the nail on the head: we all "live among strangers." Incivility is much safer when we are dishing out rudeness to someone we do not know. Indeed, if we know someone, it may stop our rudeness in our tracks (as Forni conveys in an amusing way).
All that said, I hope the book comes out in a second edition, with the following improvements:
* Dr. Forni's text occassionally sounds too eriudite and scholarly. Much of the book avoids this textbookish tone, but not all. I am sure Forni would readily agree we want as many people as possible from all walks of life to pick up this book and read it cover to cover!
* The book is strong on how to be civil, but light on advice on how to deal with incivility. (Sadly, the clods out there who desperately NEED to read this book won't.) Forni observes that one need not be a doormat with a uncivil person, but rather convey firmness in a civil way. Exactly how one can effectively convey such firmness in the face of uncivilized behavior is not sufficiently answered in this book.
All in all, Forni fills a gaping void by addressing the issue of incivility in our society. As Forni states, good manners make for better quality lives. For that reason alone, anyone should be willing to give civility a chance.

Psychotherapists often work with clients who, for a variety of reasons, just can't seem to get along with other people. Teachers of psychotherapy work with trainees who are learning how to get along with their clients. Families face questions about how to help things run smoothly and how to help children behave better.
P.M. Forni's small but mighty new reference, Choosing Civility, is the only book I can recommend to all readers. And if readers are open to his insights and willing to do things differently to improve their relationships at home and at work, Choosing Civility may be the only book they'll ever need.
Forni has produced a book that is at once smart yet accessible to a wide audience. It is full of concrete examples and personal anecdotes, and it is written in a warm, engaging tone that is usually impossible for academics to achieve.
Though it will eventually appear effortless, civility requires work - conscious effort guided by vision and perseverance. We "make" nice after all, but the practice of civility, as Forni's well-sourced text reveals, is the royal road to health and happiness. Not only is civility the path to personal contentment and connection, but it's good for business too. Often, nice guys do finish first.
We have been led astray into thinking that it is somehow more honest to be in touch with our feelings and blurt out whatever comes to mind to whomever we encounter rather than seeing training in etiquette as being training in sensitivity. Civility encourages strength and assertiveness, and it helps us find the tools to say the right thing at the right time to the right person, not everything to anyone. Civility will help people speak freely, not intemperately or abusively.
Choosing Civility offers many valuable relationship management strategies. Everything about relationships, in psychotherapy and beyond, is knowable. Choosing Civility is the ideal companion while we risk reaching out to our preferred visions of the future and ourselves.

This is a wonderfully compact and concise volume that constructively considers the reasons behind contemporary society's loss of civility, chronicles the reasons for and benefits of adopting a more civil code of behavior, and offers twenty-five sensible rules of well-mannered and thoughtful conduct. I have met and corresponded with the author, a humanities professor at Johns Hopkins University, on a few occasions, and he is most definitely a gentleman in the the most civilized definition of the word. Put this useful and well-written book on your shelf next to those time-honored Post, Martin, and Vanderbilt tomes.

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If I could give every student, from 4th-grade through graduate school, a gift, this paperback is the gift I would give them.

P.M. Forni is a professor of Italian Literature and also of Civility, at Johns Hopkins University. The book is small and easy to read but packs a wallop. Forni's lessons are simple but thoughtful and a reminder that the world can only be as good as we, collectively and individually, make it.

This is a lovely little book book. Buy it. Read it. Keep it in your thoughts and in your mind.

Kim Burdick
Stanton, DE

Various levels of inconsiderate behavior seem to have become daily habits in our goal-oriented society. Whether it's malicious office gossip or road rage, such incivility essentially contributes to decreased personal and professional satisfaction. But in today's fast-paced world, it seems a constant challenge to maintain poise and cordiality in the face of everyday difficulties. With the author's preceding claim that he is a 'flawed messenger bearing a good message', P.M. Forni offers a combination of common sense and ethics which culminate in a rediscovery of strategies to become more sensitive and considerate towards eachother. His thoughtful handbook Choosing Civility is more than a simple manners guide or book of etiquette rules, but an unearthing of the inherent values that somehow got trampled upon in our modern day race towards success. This enjoyable and insightful book is worth anyone's time who values their physiological health, interpersonal relationships, job satisfaction, or company's bottom line.

After discussing why we don't treat each other as well as we should and why we should treat each other better, Massimo offers 25 rules to help us implement his advice. He gets very specific about the ways we can treat each other better, every day.

I like this book for two reasons. One, because it puts the accountability where it belongs: on me. I can't improve my relations with other people by expecting them to change. I can't do it by labeling them, criticizing them or judging them. All I can do is change what I do and how I do it.

Two because it offer specific suggestions on how to be more civil. It's useful and can be implemented right now.

The better we treat each other, the better our world becomes. This book is a step to helping us all get there.

...if everyone read this little book. I sincerely believe that. I'm so glad I stumbled across it. Especially in today's hyperpartisan, "echo chamber" climate, where so many of us are ensconced in our own little bubbles and quick to lash out in anger or contempt, it's hugely important to be reminded of the importance (and value) of civility. Thank you, Dr. Forni.

This book will inspire you. Take a moment, read it, and test it out. It will make a difference in your life and those around you. Whether you are a reader or not, whether you are a child or an adult, and whether or not you believe we should all abide by a code of conduct, I dare you to try this out and change our world one reader at a time!

Calling this an etiquette book is misleading; it's a guide to living morally in increasingly me-me times. Forni's advice-ranging from how to make guests feel included to how to apologize to how to assert yourself-all hinges around one all-important ideal: recognizing yourself as part of a larger community. To that end, the basis of civility and the 25 tips are all about learning to recognize how our actions affect others and ultimately come back to impact ourselves. Forni makes a strong case that civility is an ethical code, and it's obvious by his warm, humanist take (there's no doctrinaire rules-issuing here) that he practices what he preaches.

It was intriguing to read that a major university had instituted a course of study on civility, but easy to understand when reading news stories of parent fights at their childrens' athletic events, rude treatment of customers in business establishments, etc. Dr. Forni suggests this principle:"a crucial measure of success in life is the way we treat one another every day of our lives".While stating that he is not a "flawlessly civil person", Dr. Forni describes a multitude of behaviors to display kindness and courtesy while not compromising our identity. Though the rules may seem simplistic, the simplicity is its strength.

This is a small, well-written book with the power to change the world. Anyone who thinks that manners are only for the snobbish, should read Forni's book, and realize that the manner in which we treat each other is what will ultimately lead to a successful civilization, not to mention greater personal happiness.

I love this book of tenderly nuanced advice written in beautiful prose and will reread it often to remind myself how absolutely necessary civility is in our lives. Professor Forni does Johns Hopkins proud!

I bought the book because of the back cover promise of "a beautiful book that lifts the spirit," written by a professor of Italian fiction and poetry at Johns Hopkins. What is M. Scott Peck doing as the authority on page 4? The renunciation of Dante comes on page 7, "One day, while lecturing on the Divine Comedy, I looked at my students and realized that I wanted them to be kind human beings more than I wanted them to know about Dante." If the book had been written as an essay for the etiquette section of a men's magazine, my opinion may have been positive, but I was simply not expecting a lightweight book of dos-and-donts.

According to the forward, "Civility is a wonderfully effective tool to enhance the quality of our lives." If you are looking for life quality enhancement tools, this book may be for you.

While this book might identify behaviors you have been using since childhood, it may open your eyes to some of the more inconsiderate conduct that goes on in your life. It not only explains how one should act, it discusses how you can deal with the conduct of others, and how to encourage civility all around you.

This was recommended to me by a friend/co-worker. I read the book and it sucked. Felt like it was written by a scatter brained teenager. I ended up using it as a backstop for one of my pellet guns.