Surviving Divorce and Building a New Life - Third Edition

Omg this book. It’s nothing but the cheaters guide to deflect and give “reason” to his/her disgusting behavior. The only thing I got out of this book is the insight my cheating a** husband of 20 years has been refusing me.

I found this book extremely helpful and comforting in the early stages of my divorce. One of the best books I read, and I read a lot. Yes, I did go a bit nuts. It was comforting to find out that I was not alone and to have some advice about how to get sane again

Wow- very helpful. For me, it was a good combination of the "theoretical" and the practical. It explains things, but also gives examples of couples- and how their relationships develop/fail. For me, explanation w/o examples gets too dry- like reading a textbook. Yet, JUST hearing stories doesn't generally help me see the underlying principles. Having the two interwoven, as this book does, is really helpful to me.

I also felt that the book did a good job of coming down in the "middle"- it seemed kind of like listening to a seasoned counselor who had seen a lot of couples. The easy answers that the counselor might have once offered are gone- because they've seen too many real-life couples to still think that everyone falls into one of the categories that they learned in training. Yet, the counselor hasn't just given up, and said "It's all so complicated." Instead, they've been able to draw, from all of their experience, some common themes of problems/solutions.

BEST of all, I felt like the author communicates well. She organized things nicely: the book talks about various topics in turn- and the chapter title makes clear what it's about. Furthermore, the examples are very believable: they sound like real people- a bit of good and a bit of foolish in each of the people in the relationship. Thankfully, too, she doesn't become moralistic or preachy- so again, I felt like I was listening to a wise and seasoned counselor, not someone with an agenda to convince me of something, or to get me to live my life in a certain fashion.

The book arrived in Very poor condition despite the description claiming the book listed as "good". It took a long time to arrive. Very disappointed. It go two stars only because the book itself is fasinating.

Excellent book that helped navigate me through my own divorce 18 years ago, and which I have since recommended to several others who have found themselves in the same position. I do think the author tends to over-explain her points a bit (too many examples of the same type) but maybe it takes different approaches to get the point across to different readers. Either way, the information is spot-on, in my opinion and it really helps to know that "I'm not the only one experiencing these weird feelings and emotions during this crazy time". Thanks, Abigail!

I am currently on chapter 5 and finding that besides the funny anecdotes of absolutely bad marriages, the book really does nothing for me as the deserted. Husband woke up one day after 16 months of marriage and decided he would rather cling to his mother than me and our 6 month daughter. This book just makes me feel completely misunderstood and annoyed and useless. Deadlock war? Huh???

Nevertheless I will read it to the end. Maybe there will be a hidden gem somewhere towards the end that will completely change my life for the better.

Was in the throws of emotional turmoil years ago and my dear friend Bruce demanded I read this book. I bought it/read it - WOW. After reading it, I had a strong foundation of where I was in the divorce process and what was next. The book empowered me vice the emotional flailing I had been in. I am now divorced (for almost 18 years) and have this book to thank for my sanity through the process. Buy it - it will provide a foundation for you in an uncertain time in your life.

This book is a lifesaver for anyone who is married, getting divorced or separated, or for those of us who are married but want to remind ourselves why we stay married. It examines, better than any other book I've seen, the complex, intense emotions you encounter when a marriage fails or falters. Briefly, a divorce is not unlike a death. You often go though several predictable stages during and after a divorce and it can take years, not months, to fully grieve a marriage and start life anew. I recommend it highly for anyone getting divorced or contemplating one, it helped me tremendously when my first marriage ended.

You will find out why some people go through periods of promiscuity after a marriage ends, why it's so easy to fall head over heels with someone else when your marriage is less than perfect, and what are the financial, emotional, social and health repercussions of separation and divorce. Read it when you a getting divorced, or read it to remind yourself why you aren't!

The book provides examples of typical stages in the divorcing process, which can be useful. It oversimplifies causes of the divorce into dominant and submissive clashes, which are less applicable in more modern relationships. Although the intent of the examples is probably to show that the terrible feelings of anger, depression, and so forth are normal, the many examples of the husband or wife killing or maiming the other spouse are quite extreme and (hopefully) far enough from most people's experience that they don't resonate. Also, the example of how an individual got past anger by tearing up a child's birthday present in front of the child and how much better he was for it is disturbing. The depiction of this being "positive" because it allowed to parent to vent anger ignores that this was likely and traumatic event for the child. Although the book is not intended to address children, it seems to have an attitude of "fix yourself and feel good" no matter what the impact is to the children. So, the insights and examples are appreciated, but the self-absorbed attitude is uncomfortable, with little emphasis on trying to make the healing process less harmful to the ex-spouse or the children.

Ms. Trafford starts from the premise that in any unhappy marriage, the spouses are trapped in an unequal relationship. One is dominant and the other is submissive. If they cannot figure out how to escape from that imbalance, then they are deadlocked. I realized that not only was my marriage deadlocked, but my divorce negotiations were deadlocked as well. The same issues that made my marriage so insufferable were stopping me from consummating my divorce. This book has case histories that exemplify the lucid discussions about divorce. They explain how "crazy time" took hold of my life. I felt that Ms. Trafford was talking directly to me. She helped me to get out of my deadlock and into the resolution phase of my personal tragedy. I recommend this book to anyone who is trying to understand divorce.

I have recommended this book to several friends who have all had the same reaction I did, wow. If you can open up to the reality that divorce is never completely one person's fault, then this book will help you on the road to future, healthy relationships. This book was given to me by my therapist. I have never been so completely changed by reading in my life (and I am an english teacher). This book is not preachy, not self helpish, it is an easy read of others experiences with lessons richly imbedded and similarities uncanny to anyone who has gone through a divorce. You'd be a complete [common sense challenged] not to read this book before ever getting into another relationship. In fact, I think it should be a requirement to anyone planning on getting married.

I found this book very helpful and illuminating, especially the abundant case studies. Everybody going through divorce will find an example which sounds familiar. It also helps understand why relationships fail, even though it may be too late (very often due to a power imbalance which leaves one or both partners feeling resentful, and a period of "deadlock" in which the problems are swept under the carpet and each partner tries to find fulfilment in things other than the marital relationship).

The style is very easy to read and journalistic, not psychological and full of jargon.

I would point out that this is not a book for people still trying to repair their marriage, it is for those already on the divorce path. It pulls no punches - even for those who manage to build a better life, the "crazy time" is inevitable and usually lasts a couple of years at least. Some people don't get over this period - especially those without a strong support network. The basic message is one of hope, but without facile instant solutions.

One gap in the book is that it pays hardly any attention to the effects of divorce on the children and how to alleviate that (but this is possibly because there are excellent books on the market devoted to that, like the one by E. Teyber). The book is focussed on the individual divorcing adults not the family unit as such.

I read many books when I was struggling through my divorce, but this is the only one that I have recommended to anyone else. I found it so dead on in describing what it feels like to go through a divorce and so helpful in validating my experiences that I have given or recommended it to many of my friends in their divorces. I particularly found the concept of "the end of love and the persistence of attachment" helpful -- the idea that you may have come to hate the person you're divorcing, yet find yourself having a hard time getting away from the habit of attachment to them. This book helped me make sense out of many situations that would otherwise have made me question my sanity. I highly recommend this book!!!

I bought this book about 10 years ago while going through a divorce. I referred to it many times in a one year period of crazy time and still think about the book when I get the angries about losing my house and material goods to the ex hubby. This book will help you understand why divorce happens and step you through examining your role in the calamity. Now wait, here's the best part...it will give you hope that life can get better. After coming to terms I remarried 7 years ago and I'm happy to report it's great. Not all men beat their wives and you can change yourself to find someone different...and better.

An excellent book for those going through divorce. I am a 50-yr. old woman, in the beginning stages of divorce.
I've underlined many pertinent sentences that really spoke to me. It has some great bits of advice, and what I gleaned most from this book is the emotional aspects of divorce. It explains how a marriage "goes downhill" (the author refers to that aspect as the "Deadlock point")....and the stages of getting to the point of actually initiating the separation process.

It helped me a great deal. I highly recommend this book for those who are battling with the emotional aspects of divorce.

Whether you were left or you did the leaving, this book is a must. It doesn't tell you what to do, it doesn't preach, it doesn't prescribe-- what it does is provide a clear roadmap to territory that most of us find confusing and disorienting.
There are many stories and examples. Reading this book lets you know that you are not the only person to go through the crazy time. And it's all in clear, plain language, without the psychobabble and counselorspeak.
This is a book that provides strength and help in a troubling time.

I stumbled across this book in a used bookstore, and I believe it was FATE that I found it! This book helps explain the erratic behavior most people experience during the divorce process, WITHOUT JUDGEMENT. She does not try to assign "right" or "wrong" behaviors, simply "behaviors." People who are looking to blame spouses for their actions will not find a willing ear, but this book is for people who want to move on with their lives, yet seek to understand why we act the way we do. Extremely insightful, I've recommended this book to others going through divorce, and they have all found passages that have helped them personally. Buy this used, since you will probably loan it out to someone who won't give it back!

bought this for my grandaughter who's going through some crazy times. This is an older book with some timeless advice for those going through the trauma of a break up and need some reassurances that you're not the only person who does stupid stuff when you shouldn't.

The most influential book I read following a divorce from 15 years of bad marriage. Not all of the book will apply to everyone, but the parts that do will be mind opening and will guide you in emerging from a crazy, painful time in your life and ready for a healthy, loving future. Highly, highly recommend this book.

I am a counselor who specializes in addiction and family counseling, although surely relationship counseling must run a close second. I believe that this book should be handed out along with your divorce decree. It will help you identify the stages of grief and healing that go along with divorce as well as great advice about rebuilding a brand new life for yourself.

Crazy Time: Surviving Divorce and Building a New Life, Revised Edition

This is a must read if you are in the midst of a divorce. It won't make the pain go away but it will help you see that there will be light at the end of the tunnel...some day! And the various stories of couples in the divorce journey will be both a warning of what NOT to do as well as encouragement to hang on...because it will get better. Trafford takes you the major stages of the Big D with insight and true life illustrations without being judgmental or insensitive. I give a copy to all my friends going through this tough passage.

Divorce is for many people difficult because we are forced to consciously deal with OR avoid those areas about ourself, which may have been responsible for the breakup of the marriage. Through each emotional phase of the divorce process, which for myself may have started the day I met my ex-spouse, the author provides you examples of real life circumstance. Although I don't agree with all the themes of the book, clearly we each approach and react to the process differently. This book pulls no punches, so be prepared to agree and disagree, but most importantly read this only if you want to face yourself.

I was really disappointed in this book because it said things I already knew, and in a very dry way. I didn't even finish the book. I'd recommend It's Called a Break-up Because it's Broken by Greg Behrendt and Amiira Ruotola-Behrendtinstead. You can be strengthened AND laugh at the same time!

"Crazy Time" is a useful book for reading about some of the emotions you may experience in decoupling a marriage. The author discusses marital deadlock, separation, feeling on-edge, denial, shock, ambivalence, depression and three phases of rebirth. I finished the book for what is hoped to be a useful broadening of perspective for which only the passing of time will render a fair verdict. There are some significant criticisms, however.

For the first half of the book, virtually all the case studies share a curious experience. At least one and often both the divorcing persons had affairs during the marriage. Apparently the author did not consider an interviewee worthy of consideration if he or she did not sleep around. After reading the chapter on sex I was convinced the author performed a significant share of her research in bed.

Also, in the author's parlance every marriage has a dominant partner and a submissive one. While this is not a kinky tome, there is no discussion of the sharing and division of responsibilities and pleasures that occur even in some of the worst marriages.

Children get short shrift in this primer on self-fulfillment. This book is about you, or at least some of you. The kids will presumably learn to navigate on their own.

The topic deserves more thorough and encompassing research than is offered here notwithstanding the difficulty of tackling a topic with such a range of experiences. Undoubtedly every divorce is unique, but it would have been nice to recognize more of myself and my soon-to-be ex-spouse in the text.

The author expects you to feel intense anger at some point in the process whether you have initiated the divorce or whether the bomb fell on you. Her sole case study who never experienced anger remains bewildered as to why she shot her husband and then reported the incident to police while she tended to his wounds. More slice of life stories await you.

To best understand the value of this book, let me say it was instrumental in helping me understand that what I was feeling and experiencing in my divorce was quite normal. Since I successfully survived my divorce, I have recommended this book to ten friends by count, and every one has reported back that this was the definative source for their sanity. Over the years, I have purchased four different copies to loan to friends, and much like a chain letter, they seem to pass forward to more people, and not get returned. Rest assured, this book provides the most common sense during the time when nothing in your life makes sense. It will show you the light at the end of the tunnel.

The first 3 chapters are excellent. The rest is fine, although you can do as well reading the chapter titles. The illustrations about people's struggles are ok, but a little depressing and appear like many upper middle class problems. While a secular book and not expected to touch on issues of faith, it is a noticeable omission. The underlying tone is to reach self actualization and maturity and it does a decent job at that.

Finally, a book that addresses the emotional side of divorce in a manner that is easy to read and yet hits a chord inside your heart and your head that is startling and yet strangely comforting. What a relief to find out that I am not the only one living through some "Crazy Time" right now.

This book saved my sanity when I was going through my divorce and the first post-divorce years. It was so comforting knowing that my "craziness" was NORMAL! That I wasn't alone and that my progression through the stages of divorce recovery were not only predictable but eventual [I'm happy to say I've reached the Phoenix stage :D ]
I highly recommend this book to anyone considering divorce, getting divorced or having been divorced. You will see yourself in its pages and take comfort in the stories. You will learn how to deal with your shattered dreams, disappointments, fears, frustration and rage, and move on to a much brighter future.

I am going through my first divorce and this book has really explained well how I got there in the first place. There are many stories that relate to different kind of situations. It is an easy read and would be helpful for people who would like to know why they are feeling the way that they feel. I highly recommend it.

This book saved my sanity when I was going through my divorce and the first post-divorce years. It was so comforting knowing that my "craziness" was NORMAL! That I wasn't alone and that my progression through the stages of divorce recovery were not only predictable but eventual [I'm happy to say I've reached the Phoenix stage :D ]
I highly recommend this book to anyone considering divorce, getting divorced or having been divorced. You will see yourself in its pages and take comfort in the stories. You will learn how to deal with your shattered dreams, disappointments, fears, frustration and rage, and move on to a much brighter future.

I am going through my first divorce and this book has really explained well how I got there in the first place. There are many stories that relate to different kind of situations. It is an easy read and would be helpful for people who would like to know why they are feeling the way that they feel. I highly recommend it.

Marriage, divorce, the next life are all crazy stages. It helps to have a translation of the why's, how's, what the heck was that, and what's next? The emotional stages of divorce are similar to those that accompany death of a loved one. This book supplies some directional markers along the crazy emotional journey. by Hollis Colquhoun co-author of "Women Empowering Themselves: A Financial Survival Guide"

Divorce really is a crazy time ... you feel both crazy and stupid. However, it's a temporary situation. Trafford not only offers help for confusion and disorientation of this major life transition, she helps you face your own painful feelings. When she talks about the difference between public and private divorce, you'll find yourself nodding your head vigorously in agreement. This book should definitely be in your divorce healing library!

The author experienced a divorce and shares her story in the prologue. The book provides the reader with many case studies chronicling divorce in great detail. The stories touch on the emotional impact of divorce from the beginning to well after the divorce in over. I found this book to be very helpful.

This is a wonderfully insightful book.My therapist recommended it to me. It helped me through a very bad time.This book puts a lot of uncomfortable times into perspective. I recommend this to everyone I meet who is going through a divorce.

I was tired of coming across all these books about divorce that told you how to deal with children, property, taxes and your ex. I needed something that helped me deal with ME and found it in this book. The chapters are like stages, and I was amazed at how right on they were! I unfotunately found myself going through the stages more than once, but there is a light at the end. This book is excellent to help you focus on YOU and your feelings. I even bought it for my exhusband (as we remain friendly today.)

I received this book from a valued friend and found most of the information in it fit well and appeared useful. (The up side of the book is well documented in other reviews.) Then I got to the chapters on sex and love. Ms. Trafford is clearly of the opinion that promiscuity is a post-divorce stage if one chooses to allow it. This raises two questions: Where are all those women eagerly waiting for the chance to jump into my bed? And which other points in the book were superficially researched, researched from a one-sided viewpoint, or not researched at all?
For those who are interested, Scott Adams in The Dilbert Zone describes accurately and with considerable sensitivity (and wit!) the socio-sexual stone wall that is faced by the (generally geeky) unpopular male in our society. Unfortunately Ms. Trafford's failure to recognize this problem matters a lot, because it is arguably to some of us the single most important factor in staying within a doomed relationship beyond all common sense and possibly in having entered that relationship in the first place.
I wonder how much else in this book only works for the popular females. I'm afraid that I'm deeply suspicious that the book is written to validate, guilt- and judgement-free, as many as possible of the feelings that are popularly associated with the death of a marriage. I suggest that's opium, not food, to a person suffering what really is crazy time.
Cheers.

This is one of the most compassionate works on divorce I've ever read. The authors explain the fog that surrounds divorce in such clear terms that even in the midst of the fog, it serves as a map out of the fog. Particularly good advise is given to help one understand rebound relationships in the context of divorce.

Of all the divorce recovery/self-help books I read (and there were many) this is the only one in which I found all the information useful and really related to. I recommend this for anyone going through a divorce, especially a "surprise" divorce. It really helps you understand and validates your feelings and gives you clues as to your spouse's behavior.

Crazy Time: Surviving Divorce and Building a New Life has just the right tone to help someone stop playing the blame game and start healing. This book is an excellent tool for understanding the anguished feelings that arise when going through a divorce. I recommend adding this volume to the repertoire of anyone dealing with the traumatic divorce or separation situation.

This hits every point exactly! It is an objective point of view that relates to what you're going through as well as how you choose to make it through on the other side - and what you need to have a succesful relationship. Or to just make sure you don't make the same mistakes over and over. I would highly recommend it!!!

An excellent emotional guide for anyone going through divorce/separation. It's best to start reading as soon as things start to unravel. The book gives you clear insight to all the emotions you will go through and all the pitfalls to avoid.