A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship

The book drags a bit and nothing really grasps my attention to want to keep reading. Everytime you think you are about to get some advice you get "as you continue to read this book you will hear my advice for this type of situation"...so you continue to read but that advice never really comes?? I don't know...still reading. If you are looking for a self help book I guess its not so bad.

This book definitely helped me sort my thoughts about divorce. With so many opinions and pressures, this book was able to break it down to a more manageable way to think through the issues. It will state the obvious and at the same time bring to light things you may not have thought about. Very helpful.

Good read for anyone stuck in relationship limbo. I can't say it will give you the clear answer, but it definitely gives you a lot to think about. I got a lot out of it and have recommended it to several friends in a similar situation to mine.

After going through a tough time I decided to get this book. At the end of reading this I decided that I should have just talk to the person instead of relying on some book. If you are at the point where you need to get a book to tell you what to do than maybe you should take a "break" to figure things out. This book does have good points, but at the end I felt I was in the same spot.

I started out so excited to read this book and as I began, the book seemed it would be revelatory for someone dealing with relationship ambivalence. As I continued I felt the book lost some of its steam and having gone through a divorce previously, felt some of the points for leaving were a bit weak. It's a valuable book that may bring you some insight but unfortunately didn't help me uncover the clear answer I was looking for. Still, it's a pretty quick read if the topic appeals to you.

I felt it provided a lot of insight. I already filed with my wife a few weeks back and never thought of looking back. This book hit the nail on the head and reinforced that I made the right decision for me and my future.

This book felt like a one-on-one consultation with my psychologist. I discovered it at a time of strong emotional confusion, and the question/answer format was very beneficial in my own decision-making.

Honestly, I thought this was kind of dumb. Yes, there were some helpful concepts, but by and large, the book sort of thinks everyone should break up. Okay, that's not fair. It is okay. If you are very conflicted, it will help you get some clarity. It is not a magic bullet, though, which is too bad because a lot of us want one.

I was stuck in a "should I, shouldn't I" rut, debating whether to stay in my marriage or not. This book helped me step back and really evaluate my relationship. "It's not as bad as it could be" is not enough to stay -- the real question you need to ask is, "Is this as good as it could be?" At the end of the day, it's up to you, but this book helped me to step back out of my guilty rut and acknowledge what I needed to do for myself.

I purchased this print version after having read it on Kindle so that I could give it my currently estranged wife, that she might take and consider the lessons it contains, I have yeet to hear back, an dhope that I have not simply loaded the final round into our marriage.

she has a clear bias. It's almost definitely going to lead you in one particular direction (I won't say which). It's worthwhile but it will work much better if you understand ahead of time, her technique is NOT unbiased.

This book is biased for breaking up. I think that's bad because through confirmation bias we can convince ourselves our relationship is worse than it actually is. However, it offers some good insights

I'll start by saying that I generally liked this book. I think its points are valid and there are some excellent guidelines to help you critically think about the core of your relationship. However, to align with my personal beliefs, I wish the book was more geared towards engaged or unmarried couples.

To explain further, I am a 28 year old female who has been in a 3 year relationship that was great the first year, tolerable the second year and horrible the third. Neither of us are bad people, it's just a bad relationship. I am making my exit and thankful that we are not married. I consider marriage to be a vow before God, and I want to take that extremely seriously - a "divorce-is-no-option" kind of thing. If I was married to this man, the book would have helped me stay. Because I am not, I think the book justifies my decision to leave.

So, in a way, I agree with many of the people who gave this a book poor review because they believe it points people toward the door. Sure, if the person wants to be pointed to the door, they will use the book to help them create the pathway. Again, in my situation, about half my answers point towards leaving and half point towards staying. So what am I to do? Well, if I were married, children, etc., I would do everything in my power to help this relationship survive. But, we're not, and I am blessed to have a lot of great opportunities for me in the future either on my own or with someone new. I'm just not happy in this relationship, and this book has helped aid my decision to leave. I have a positive outlook on life, and believe that I can make a positive out of anything.

In sum, this is a great book if you are not married. It may even be a great book if you are married, because it might make you realize, "hey, there's a lot of good stuff here," but my sincere hope is that people don't use this book to leave a perfectly saveable marriage and contribute to the broken-promise, self-centered society that we currently live in (barring physical and emotional abuse - that would be a broken promise by your spouse and you SHOULD leave that situation).

Lastly, I'll say that I hope this doesn't come off as judgmental. Everyone's situation is different, and I'm certainly not saying that if you have ended a marriage, there is something wrong with that. It's just a personal opinion, and it might help some people who feel the same way. Especially us never-been-married people who have no idea how hard marriage is!

I bought this book because my wife keeps threatening me with separation. She did it before we moved in together, but is has become routine after I told her about my infidelity. I went to a prostitute some time before moving in together, as a sort of bachelor party for myself.

Fidelity is very important for her, and my act has hurt her a lot. On top of that, she discovered I am a porn addict. So now every two weeks we have a fight that ends with "you should move out" or something like that. I am in love with her, I regret my bad behavior, and I want the best for her. So, even when I keep pushing to preserve the relation, and that I attend therapy to solve the issues that led me to misbehave, I wanted to know if it would be best for her to just leave her; that maybe by leaving I could help her heal and then she could find some day another, better love.

While the book gave me hopes that my sins are not so terrible, that I can be forgiven (because I truly love her and actively work to improve myself), the way the book is written is more like a list of justifications, or excuses, for the person that has already decided the marriage is too bad. In the whole book, the author suffers of seeing the tree, but not the forest.

So, while I liked the content of the book, I would prefer it written in a different way.

I got the best view by combining this with Gottman's book: "The seven principles for making marriage work".

This is a nice insightful book. However did not really pertain to my situation. Does not address sudden surprise infidelity. More for people in a relationship with significant ambivalence towards the current situation.

I've never hated a book as much as this one. If I burned books this would be the first to go. The author discusses how people basically don't change and how you should set aside your moral or religious beliefs if you're ambivalent about your marriage to make a decision if you should stay. I am a licensed marriage and family therapist and have seen people read this and assume their is no hope for their marriage after reading this. You're better off skipping this one. I'll be a stranger you'll want to thank.

I haven't had time to read the whole book. I live in a retirement community. They seem to think we need to be busy every waking moment, so I must learn to say "No" occasionally. I have liked the book though and am planning to finish reading it. It came in good condition. It is nice that you are interested in your readers response. Robin

Although this book can be amazingly helpful for chronically distressed couples, it can clash with beliefs such as:

1. Marriage is a religious sacrament and therefore cannot be voluntarily ended.
2. Marriage is based on holy vows, which can never be broken.
3. Every marriage is ordained by God, and ending it is therefore a sin.
4. Every marriage with children should stay together for the benefit of the children.
5. My grandparents stayed married so I should stay married (even if one or both were miserable).
6. Leaving a marriage is inherently a selfish act.
7. One can always improve a marriage by forgetting one's troubles, and loving the other person more.
8. A marriage can be your "cross to bear", and will therefore develop Godly character in you.
9. My country depends on stable marriages, and therefore staying in a marriage is good for my country.
10. If I examine my marriage I'm going to face things that involve introspection, which is unnecessary and "narcissistic".

If you have several of these beliefs, this book could be irritating!

I was excited by all the good reviews, but I just finished reading this book and I am ambivalent in my relationship but the questions they asked really did not help me, nor did the organization of the book. A lot of it was very wordy and rambled. I was excited by all the good reviews, but I just finished reading this book and I am ambivalent in my relationship but the questions they asked really did not help me, nor did the organization of the book. A lot of it was very wordy and rambled. At the end of the book, I still feel the same way I did at the beginning of the book.

Haven't seen nor heard if she read it...I scanned through the chapters and found much of it interesting.

So, she hasn't thrown it out yet she is still with her mate and working through it with love and patience while being true to herself. I am hoping the relationship is repairable for I love my daughter-in-law and would be sad if they couldn't keep it together.

There are some chapters with decent insights here, springboards for discussion and new ways of thinking about the problems in your marriage. But there are some troubling moments, too, all coming in the examples given of allegedly real patients that illustrated whatever point Kirshenbaum was making in that chapter. One is in the chapter about Peggy and Jim, where Jim wanted to leave Peggy because she'd gained weight. Kirshenbaum agreed with this, and not once does she suggest Peggy see a medical doctor, or discuss any kind of medical issues. Instead, she says Peggy is now ugly -- early on in the book, Kirshenbaum lists in her guidelines of baseline needs from your partner, that the partner should be nice, smart, sane, and not ugly or stinky. These things are not all alike; you simply can't equate manners with physical appearance. And ALWAYS watch out for a therapist who acts as though being insane/"not sane" is something to judge a person on, instead of it being a condition that requires professional treatment. She does the same with ugly/fat, acting as though it's just someone -- in this example, Peggy -- acting like a child and breaking the marriage contract, instead of suggesting that perhaps there's an emotional issue, addiction, or even a physical issue.

There's another chapter with Vinny and Rosemary, where Vinny is emotionally abusive but Rosemary makes the "mistake" of listing the times when he'd bullied her. Kirshenbaum doesn't think Rosemary should have done that, and Rosemary caused the problem by talking about his emotional abuse, which Kirshenbaum describes in distant, clinical terms. Rosemary's venting, though, is described emotionally, with more color and passion, because she wants us to judge Rosemary's behavior, not Vinny's.

There are lots of mentions of people who are devastated by something their partner did, and if they have trouble forgiving, THEY are the problem, not the partner who made the mistake. Finally, about halfway through the book, there was a list of examples of things that people complain about for no real reason, just out of frustration. It's in the section called "The Road to Ambivalence." If you read this list, you will see in almost every one of those 11 examples, the woman is at fault. These examples are women complaining about silly things, like breathing too loudly (hilariously, this pre-dates the infamous Jon & Kate episode where this same thing happens) or chores, plus women cheating and spending too much. Some of these questions were obviously meant to be gender neutral but the ones that weren't all painted the women as unreasonable. It's hard to believe that wasn't deliberate.

All that said, the "dealbreakers" idea was one we both liked and have kept doing for the last few years, since we read the book. The rest of it just felt like a thinly-veiled list of excuses on why it's okay to leave. And for a lot of people, that's what they need, and it will work for them. For us, it really didn't do much but provide a couple of good ideas and leave us scratching our head and getting distracted with the weirdness and hypocrisy between genders that the author (unconsciously?) believes.

This book should be re-titled "100 Reasons to Leave Someone". Every question ends in "if you answered this way, then you would be happier without them." It seems that if they were truly trying to help someone make a leveled decision that they should provide at least some reason why people should stay, but it becomes only a slight afterthought in the book.

I read this book years go when I was contemplating leaving my marriage, and ultimately, by working tough the questions deliberately, I realized that leaving the relationship was the best course of action. 12 1/2 years later, I can say unequivocally that was one of the best (albeit toughest) decisions of my life. I probably would have made the same decision without reading this book (maybe), but I'm quite certain it would have taken me much longer to do so and wasted more of my precious time.

I read this book after my 14-year marriage ended, but while I was still feeling a lot of conflict and ambivalence about that fact. I wish I had read it ten years earlier, because it may have either saved my marriage, or prompted my wife and I to end it sooner and more productively. After reading it, I felt much better about my marriage having ended, because there were a number of elements that made it "too bad to stay" and which were almost certainly not going to improve.

This book also helped me decide that a subsequent relationship was actually "too good to leave" - it helped me see that I was a major part of the problem with that relationship, and correcting my own behavior made the goodness of the relationship much more obvious.

If you are in a relationship and are considering this book, please be aware of the following:

1) You and your partner should BOTH read the book, in order to get the most benefit.

2) You should apply the guidelines to YOURSELF just as much as to your partner. Examining your partner for relationship-destroying behavior is important, but it is even more important that you turn that microscope on yourself. Ask yourself, "When my partner considers this guideline, is he or she going to have good reason to answer: 'too bad to stay'?"

3) Despite the US's high divorce rate, our society is full of pressures to find, be in, and stay in relationships, especially where children are involved. Those pressures often cause people to stay in bad relationships for years, when they (and often their partners and children too) could be much happier ending the relationship. I think this is why the author is biased toward giving unhappy partners permission to leave the relationship. You should be aware of that before you start reading.

Personally, I think children form their model of what a marriage should be by watching their parents. Modelling a good and happy relationship is an incredibly important way to encourage good relationship skills in our children, and if you are in a relationship that simply cannot be made good and happy, then the best thing for your children and yourself is to end that relationship in as kind and cooperative a way as possible. But whether you have children or not, this book can help both partners evaluate whether their relationship is fixable, and exactly what problems need to be addressed.

I thought about reading this book, glanced through it thoroughly and read quite enough and felt like the way that it is layed out was weird. Many of the questions she asks seemed very stupid to me.....questions that she feels can apply to any relationship. Questions that can take you to leave your SO when you should not just because you answered it negatively and the author has no idea about your true relationship at all. Sorry, but I would never decide to leave a relationship or stay for that matter based on a book.

I read this book years ago when I was married to my first husband. He is a decent person, as am I, but our marriage simply never worked. It was one of those marriages that look good "on paper", and I kept thinking that it OUGHT to work, but nothing we tried helped, not even years of couples' counseling. We simply had no bond with each other; we wanted a bond, but it wasn't there and our efforts to create it repeatedly failed. It was the loneliest thing in the world, and I felt trapped, with no way out.

Then one day, in utter despair, I found myself wandering around a bookstore and checked out the self-help section. I found this book and pulled it from the shelf. And I found my answer, right there in the first chapter. The question asked in this chapter was, essentially, "has your marriage EVER worked?" I immediately thought: "no, it has never worked--not from day one." The author explained that a broken marriage can often be fixed, but one that never worked in the first place is, more often than not, a lost cause.

I read the rest of the book, which provided additional insight (in fact I read the entire book several times--even wrote out the questions and answered each in detail) but I knew the truth that day in the bookstore: I had to leave.

Fast forward to the present: the divorce was difficult and painful. It hurt, and it was hard on the kids. But all of us emerged stronger. My ex and I both remarried and are happy with our new spouses. Our kids, now grown, have said that these new marriages allow them to see what a good marriage looks like. (At first they didn't understand the reason for the divorce, as my ex and I rarely fought: they didn't realize that this was because we had no connection.)

This is a lot of mileage to get from a single book, but it's the rare book that contains this much insight. Five stars, and if I could give it more, I would.

I am NOT a "self-help book person". This book was recommended to me by a friend of mine who is also not into self-help books, which is why I read it. I had JUST ended an eleven-year relationship (we were not married) and it was still fresh, and of course I was going through all the "should have, could have, might have, maybe it's not over" stuff. As you do.

This book is AMAZING. Some people will get ten pages in and immediately see themselves, some people halfway, and some people (like me) literally get to the last question in the book and realize that yes, my decision was a good one.

I cannot recommend this book enough. Even if you've already committed to leaving or staying, I still think it's a worthwhile read. There's a lot to get out of this book, and it really makes you look at yourself and your motivations and see the good as well as the bad. If you're in that ambivalent place mentioned in the title of the book, this is for you.

This has been a very invaluable book to my husband and I. We've both been stuck in relationship ambivalence, and learning the determent of this mindset makes sense. Also, the topics/questions throughout this book are straightforward with sound explanations and really cover the whole gamut of possible relationship issues. For me, answering the questions as they apply to our marriage is the main point of the book, however what I have found equally helpful is considering the questions that may apply about me from my husband's perspective. It not only gives me a better understanding of how some of my flaws may be negatively effecting him and the impact behind them, but also makes me stop to consider how he might answer some of the questions from his point of view. The reason I did not give 5 stars is because I am still slightly ambivalent. There are about 2 questions I am truly on the fence about (each with a clear indicator depending on my answer on whether it would be best to stay or best to leave). I am hoping once my husband finishes the book and answers all the questions for himself it will be crystal clear to us. I also feel this book is a great resource to be referred to in the future in any relationship.

This is one of the best books I have ever read in my life. Six years ago I was contemplating leaving my marriage. I was not sure what to do and I could not decide. It was truly too good to leave and too bad to stay. This book walked me through a journey of discovery and reflection. I ultimately left my marriage. It was the hardest decision I ever made.....and the best. Six years later I am now married to a wonderful person that truly loves me and whom I love. I could not have made this decision without this book. It provided the wisdom and guidance that I needed. Thank you very much Mrs Kirshenbaum for providing this highly valuable resource.

I am writing this after having been stuck in a relationship dilemma for several years. I was with a person I dearly loved and could not bear to leave, but also I could not bear the thought of staying with as things were. This book helped me process and really look into what my needs were and what I could and couldn't live with.
The book addresses tough questions and I felt by the end that I had the answers I needed to go forth with what I needed to do for myself.
It gave me a good barometer for what I should consider for my future as well. It helped me to look honestly into my heart and relationship and out of being stuck.
I really would recommend and have recommended this book for anyone who is trying to decide which direction to go in their relationship.

This book described every phase of my marriage, and made me evaluate every step I was taking in order to leave or in order to stay.
You only have one life, only one you. When you let anyone take advantage of your existence, patience, compassion or innocence, you are giving permission to be taken for granted. Evaluate your life inside the relationship, take it back if there's good enough, let it go if it doesn't.
Thank you Mira Kirshenbaum, you helped me finding purpose and value when I thought I couldn't find anymore. <3

This book has made all the difference for me. Some people have talked about how much this book has helped them. I want to explain a little about the structure of the book and how it helps.

The problem it addresses is "relationship ambivalence," the situation where a someone in a relationship just cannot decide whether to stay or leave. The author, Kirshenbaum, says that ambivalence becomes impossible to resolve when the person tries to keep track of the balance of good stuff to bad stuff--it can become impossible to sort it all out. Her solution is not to finally force down one side of the balance scale, but rather to try to diagnose the relationship in a more functional way. So the book is a series of diagnostic questions aimed at zeroing in on understanding how your relationship works.

The author finds an excellent, moderate approach where she does give positive advice throughout the book, but never tells you what you must do. But more importantly, the perspective and approach of the book offers the real alternative to the endless cycle of trying to count flat costs and benefits.

I appreciate Kirshenbaum's work very much. I can tell she cares about people in difficult relationships. She has made it her specialty, and is in a unique position to give advice. As a counselor, she has been able to talk to many others before and after their relationship decisions, so she is one of a small class of people who have broad, substantial knowledge about the area, instead of personal opinions and speculation.

She is practical and realistic and, crucially, not biased. Some of her diagnostic questions are more targeted to help you determine whether your relationship is "too good to leave." Others are targeted to help determine if it's "too bad to stay in." She really tries to help you decide, instead of presupposing that one or the other is the general best solution.

The book has helped me reshape the way I think about my relationship. It has encouraged me to think new thoughts. And it has given me some peace because I now think I can understand my relationship and make the right decision.

This is a very clear cut guide to help you think your way back into a good relationship or out of a bad one. As I did each diagnostic, I wrote out my responses so that I could go back and look and see the actual direction of my thinking, rather than rely on my memory of the most recent few responses.

When a friend said, "sometimes you don't need to do research, the decision has already been made," I thought of my responses to this book and knew that he was right. The decision had been made. I just hadn't wanted to admit it.

I believe this should be titled 101 permissions to leave your spouse. The author starts out by using an example of a woman working in the garden who asked her husband to make her a sandwich. He told her to go make it herself. Really? Is this the only example she had to make the first point as to it being too bad to stay? Really? Maybe this husband just was not being nice that day and was feeling out of sorts.

Another question asked is..."If God were to give you permission to leave your spouse, would you leave?" Of course if the answer was yes, then you should leave. What are vows and promises for if this was even a question worth reviewing? I think ANYONE contemplating this issue would like it if GOD were always giving out 'just quit' tickets so you can go live the way you want after making promises and maybe even bringing kids into the fold. Those people probably need a more substantial message than what this book gives.

If you are in your marriage to be committed to keep your wedding vows 'through good times and in bad" and want to try to make it better, read something else. If you are looking for a book to give you a list of reasons and permissions for you to leave, then so be it..read this one...I am sure you will find more than one reason to leave by reading this book.

The garden is always greener on the other side of the fence. If you think you can cross over to the other side of the fence without some of the same problems there, you are fooling yourself. Without proper nourishment, that garden will soon be wilted too....because chances are, you are at least 50% of the problem.

Why did I read this book? A 27 year old girl who works with my husband decided last year that she wanted the life we have, and began chasing him. We had been married for over 20 years. She bought him this book and asked him to read it. Hmmm, I wonder why! After 20 years of marriage, we have had ups and downs and many small instances come up that ARE listed in this book as too bad to stay. Fortunately we have the determination and love to keep overcoming them all, and our marriage is better for it.

This is a good book that you really should read if you are stuck in a rut of a relationship. Basically, the author conveys years of experience counseling to say "here are the things that usually mean it could still work out and here are the ones that usually mean it won't." It is not a book of absolutes, but a book of things to look for and read as signposts.

There are some black/white issues in the book like abuse and gambling, but most things are grey and left to the reader to evaluate against their own relationship.

As a licensed counselor, I feel like I should be more prepared about this topic. However, this book so clearly outlined the points to consider that I feel relieved to finally get an idea of how to tackle this big decision. I'm only about half way through and I am learning so much about myself, spouse, and relationship. I wish I had found this book about a decade ago!

The book has a number of excellent points to be considered when making such a crucial and life altering decision as leaving a spouse. The author, Mira Kirshenbaum, tries to help you see certain issues in your relationship as 'cut and dried' and that's not easy when it comes to matters of the heart. The ability to relate those as personably as the reader, as Adriane McNeely does, is quite a gift.

I have enjoyed many audio books as I often listen on my commute, I am used to various styles in fiction and non-fiction readers. One of my favorite self development books, is Crucial Conversations; re-listening to that after this highlights how much the performance of the reader can bring to the book.

In Too Good to Leave..., it seems that the reader has a deep understanding of the material. She is an Family Marriage Therapist herself and brings a sensitivity to the reading that should really be heard.

I know there is some debate about having a computer read books to people versus having them recorded by a person; to me this reader has really brought something special to the performance. Can anyone tell me if she has read other books for anyone?

Ed

I've read about 150 books on marriage, separation, and divorce and this is one of the most helpful. I've been struggling in a marriage and therapy for 11 years, and this book helped me get clear on some things that I was not getting help for *anywhere* else.

The other best books I've read on these topics are Spiritual Divorce: Divorce as a Catalyst for an Extraordinary Life and Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life (if you're still on the fence, especially), and The Good Karma Divorce: Avoid Litigation, Turn Negative Emotions into Positive Actions, and Get On with the Rest of Your Life and Thriving After Divorce: Transforming Your Life When a Relationship Ends if you're more sure you'll be getting a divorce, but want to make the most of the situation. I should mention I have 2 kids and I'm the child of divorce myself, so this decision has been agonizing, but I continuously recommend this book to others who tell me they are unsure of where they stand. Plus, it's funny!!

I think this book will give invaluable insight even if you don't go along with it's suggestions.

I studied this book some years ago when I was in the very difficult place described in other reviews. I was very unhappy in my long marriage and longed to end it while I struggled to determine whether or not I was just being unreasonably selfish.

The straightforward, neutral approach of this book was exactly what I needed to sort through my situaton and realize what I needed to do. The resulting decision was the hardest thing I ever have done, and this book gave me the courage to do it and the confidence that it was the right thing. It also helped me break the news compassionately to my spouse, who did not deserve to be hurt any more than absolutely necessary.

In looking over the many reviews, I think more people have left than stayed. But the true test of the book is whether some readers decide to stay instead of leave. That has happened, and it's a testament to the author's neutrality.

I think this book would be good reading even for somebody in a strong relationship without any thoughts of leaving. Each issue gives you something to think about in terms of what makes a relationship WORK as well as what makes it stop working.

I have found this book to be one of the most helpful and thorough ways to step away from an ambivalent mindset or 'stuck' in a rut of indecision about my relationship. While it doesn't try to tell you how to feel, it does ask the right sorts of questions with which to make sense of all the 'back and forth' about staying or leaving a relationship. You do need to be able to process abstractly and take into consideration your own unique personality and circumstances, or your own or another person's ability to change but there is a chapter that addresses that as well. The author doesn't try to look at issues too black and white but does a good job helping me find more clarity.

So far from all the books on this issue I've read, this one has been the most helpful not to mention a pleasure to read. I've already ordered another of her books, Our Love Is Too Good Too Feel So Bad.

I read this book a few years ago during my marriage. I knew deep down that things weren't right. I was not in a healthy relationship or frame of mind. At the time I was not strong enough to make a sound decision one way or the other without being lured back in etc and believing what I was told to believe which was a contradiction to my experience. I was searching for something - ANYTHING concrete to help me make sense of things. This book helped me to begin to break it all down in a different way. It was an early step in many of the steps that I took to get out. It did not make me jump up and pack my bags. Instead, I sat alone with my thoughts and knew that it showed me what I already knew in a way that I needed to see it in order to take the next steps.

One thing to note: It is easy to sway books like this to tell you what you want to hear! Be honest with yourself.

That was probably about 5 years ago now that I think about it. I remember where I was when I was reading and exactly how I felt. If you are in a state of confusion then it would not hurt to have a guide such a this to help clarify some things. It is always up to you to take it or leave it afterward. Enjoy it! This book is a gift.

To the author - Thank you! Life is good.

I have recommended this to several women stuck in relationships that were exactly that: too good to leave and too bad to stay (unhealthy or violent or going nowhere). In every case, they found the courage to leave forging a new life and often finding new, true love - never once looking back. I enjoyed this book and found myself recommending it to several others, regardless of their relationship status quo. The diagnostic questions are good ones. They lead to a good, long look in the mirror, a reassessing of one's own emotional well being, and gauging that one is in, or out, of a relationship for all the right and healthy reasons. And, if you are in a good relationship, the many yes's to Kirshenbaum's questions can rejuvenate any fence sitter, giving new appreciation for maybe what was pretty darn good all along. It's always nice to know you're doing just fine. I was experiencing and justified me in the way I feel. Because of that clarification, I feel like I'm making progress on dealing with my own issues, and better able to communicate them.

I was feeling emotionally checked out for quite a while of a five year relationship. I had consistently felt periods of serious doubt over the years and that constant, underlying feeling that the relationship was not a good fit. However, we always ended up getting back together after break up attempts over the years and kept dragging out whatever fragments were left of the relationship. So I was left with ambivalence about the relationship. Actually, after reading the first chapters of this book, I realized that I had already decided long ago that I was done with the relationship and I just had to have that outside confirmation to really be assertive and realize what had to be done. We ended the relationship, after I finished this book, and although there are tough moments or days, I have felt relieved and completely sure of my choice. I even feel happier overall than when in the relationship already,and it has only been a week really. The book really helps you to analyze your situation and provides that support to either stay or leave after going through the analysis.

Very clear and very easy to follow ...I have read the book and also listened to the audible version...and loved both...it's hard to find the truth about your relationship (specially if the book points you to leaving the relationship)..but if you really want to break free and find out if your relationship is too good to leave or to bad to stay...this is the book to show you...I would say it's best to read it first and take notes and answer each question for yourself....finish the book...give it some time and then listen to it on audible and answer the questions again...hopefully then you'll find clarity.

a must read for anyone who is "unsure," "on the fence," "in-between," etc. And, most of all, if you are ambivalent and have been dealing with that for some time, especially if you are truly in love with the person you are ambivalent about...this book instills a thoughtful, provocative, smart/intelligent and wise approach to helping one evaluate whether or not to remain in a relationship that they are not completely certain is healthy for them.

The author is forthright, honest, reasonable and has a logical/neutral point of view that is very settling and helpful.

Highly highly recommend!

What I admire the most about this book is that it is one of the few books on relationships I have seen that doesn't try to pigeon-hole people into groups, or take sides, or give only one answer. Mira Kirshenbaum is a very fair and well-informed person, and she counsels, suggests, and advises, rather than trying to give clear-cut answers to the myriad of problems that arise in relationships. The reader is encouraged to list the good and bad aspects of their particular situation, to discuss, to work on it. The key to the success of a relationship, or to possibly salvaging one of the brink, is to work and communicate. That is the bulk of Kirshenbaum's words, and after reading this book I certainly felt that I had been given helpful advice, and that there indeed was light at the end of the tunnel. If you are having troubles in your relationship, this is one of the first books you should read.

Author of Pay Attention to the Red Flags by Charlene Davis, MSW wrote: I gave this book to a friend of mine that was in an abusive relationship. Yet, her husband was paying the bills, and she was unemployed. She was actually a housewife. At times, her husband would beat her for no apparent reason. She said, "he is so good to me, but yet, he treats me like dirt at other times." She said, after she read this nice book: Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay, it changed her life. This book helped her to leave an abusive relationship, helped her to find out who she is, and helped her to realize that she can have a loving and healthy relationship. This is a must read.

This book was a godsend.
When I came across it, the title summarized so well what I was feeling that I could not not buy it. I was expecting a little insight and got so much more out of it -- instead of using the classic "pros and cons" balance scale type of approach, this book goes through a lot of questions to help the reader reevaluate the relationship they're in, much like a doctor would eliminate possible diagnoses by going through a list of questions. For every question, depending on the answer, Mira Kirshenbaum offers examples of couples in that situation, what decision they made and which made them happiest (some stayed, some left).
It's direct, practical, concrete, and Mrs Kirshenbaum uses her extensive experience as a therapist to give the reader the best insights on what factors make a relationship work out well or not.
This is an incredible book for anyone experiencing relationship ambivalence -- the best one I've seen on the subject anyway. Thank you!

This book is one of the best relationship advice books I have ever read. Useful not only for people considering leaving, but also for people considering whether or not to make a further commitment.

Rather than looking at problems in a relationship by placing them on a scale (these things are good/those are not) and trying to figure out the weight of each positive or negative aspect of your relationship and then figure out what it adds up to, the author instead teaches us to look at problems in a relationship the way a doctor diagnoses an illness. She asks 36 questions with yes/no answers, and explains the long term consequences of a yes or a no. By the time she has gotten to 36, she has covered every aspect of your relationship. The last chapter then covers what to do next & makes further reading recommendations both if the book helped you decide to leave and if it told you to stay.

The writing style is witty and engaging. Chapters have titles borrowed from pop culture (ie. "you've got a hold on me" & "it's too late baby"). And every question is followed by real world examples of people (men & women, gay people & straight people, old people and young people, people who have been married for years & people who are just dating) whose answer to that question was pivotal in their relationship. Then she distills the advice into a simple pithy guideline. Even if she tells you what you don't want to hear, her words ring true enough to make you pay attention.

Just because the questions have yes/no answers doesn't mean they are simplistic. But it is easy to see how every single question relates to the success of a long term relationship. I highly recommend this book in every way, this is probably the best relationship-advice self-help book that I have ever read.

I purchased this book late summer/early fall as I thought about whether to stay in or leave a 20 plus yr relationship.Obviously when one has been involved w/another person for that long there is a lot of mixed emotions, and it is usually not easy to make a clear cut decision as to what to do with the relationship.What I really liked about this book was it helped to analyze many different facets of the relationship.It helped to make a difficult decision for me a bit easier.The book helped me realize what the strengths and weaknesses of the relationship were.I would have to say the book wasn't pro-leaving or pro-staying in the relationship.Instead it helped each person who read the book to analyze their own relationships and to weigh the options.I have bought copies of this book for others in a similiar situation to read.I have reread parts of this book since I made my decision and I know for me I made the right decision.Even if one is not thinking about ending a relationship I think this book provides some very powerful insights into the dynamics of different relationships.I highly suggest that someone who "is on the fence" decision-wise about their relationship read this book.It may give them the courage to end their relationship and move on with their lives or else the knowledge that the relationship is worth staying in and working on.Many thanks to the author for such a personally useful book.Good luck to other readers as they read this book.I pray that they find it helpful and gain the insight they need in order to make the best personal decision for them in their relationships.

Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship

When I was struggling with a decision to divorce after 23 years, I went to a counselor & she suggested to read "Too Good to leave, Too Bad to Stay" & take the test. I spent many hours in discernment and with the hardest decision of my life, I was finally at peace with my decision I needed to make through the information I read in this book. I will always love my husband but know it was for the best and the right choice. I was diagnosed with MS 2 years prior to our separation which my husband was not supportive, as often is the case, which contributed to the demise of our marriage. I am thriving since the divorce & health has greatly improved. Unfortunately, he did not fair that well & unexpectedly passed away 2 years ago. The important point is to READ this book and it will help YOU to see more clearly in making this difficult decision. Divorce is a significant emotional event and not to be taken lightly but if you are looking for self-help then this is the place to seek the truth.

The author does a great job of talking to the reader in a no-nonsense way about relationship ambivalance, which is something that many of us go through at least once in our lifetimes. It's a fantastic tool to help you examine how you feel about your relationship and if most people who feel the way you do were happier staying or leaving. I found this book to be extremely helpful--I had already made my decision before I read it, but it gave me reassurance that I made the best choice for me. It just reiterated what I already knew, but it was good to hear it from another source. If you are debating leaving a long-term relationship or marriage, buy this book. I have 5 friends that I am FORCING to read it just so they can get out of the state of ambivalence which helps no one. I know this book will help them in one way or another. Good luck...

I read to good to leave too bad to stay so I could decide what to do this was a real help. Once I made my decision I purchased Divorce by Gloria Jean Divorce This book helped me to stand tall in my decision there were things I needed to think over before I made any hasty moves that I might end up regretting later. I really needed this book along with Divorce They help me to make an intelligent decision on what to do with my life.

If you haven't read the book, then you cannot rate it! Yes, alot of people in troubled relationships are going to read books on relationships, so maybe they just learned what the already knew. People in great relationships aren't the type of people reading/reviewing this type of book (hence the reason for so many falling to one side).

This book is not anything new or profound, many other noted marriage counselors (ie. Dr. Gottman) have these very same principles which are based on decades of RESEARCH and real life scenarios. It is very easy to read and explains everything in such a way that I enjoyed the book tremendously. No stone is left unturned, and I didn't think it would get to the issues I am having in my relationship (which it did!) It goes into detail about certain acts/behaviors which can ruin relationships. It also explains why certain things are good and can really save a relationship, just as things that are damaging and can really ruin a person's self esteem.

If you have any of the "too bad to stays" you could always bring them up with your partner and show them why it's too bad for you and see what their reactions is. Though one of the "bads" itself is if your partner cannot recognize the very things that make it too bad for your to stay, you are happiest if you leave. They may not even see it and that is a problem in itself. Or you are left feeling stupid or inadequate for even having this "problem" because your spouse constantly makes you feel that way for even wanting to bring it up. That is a "too bad to stay" right there! If you cannot even bring up important things what good is it even being in a relationship?

I don't feel this book persuades a reader to either leave or stay. In fact Mira's "deal" with you the reader is to not act upon what is being told, but rather to really process it, discuss it with a marriage counselor, search inside your heart. Don't follow the book blindly, that is not why she wrote it.

There are 35 questions to go over, each one going into detail so that the reader will not confuse or be unsure of the issue, complete with example scenarios too. For example, there's the issues of disrespect, but she goes over what is normal disrespect and each relationship will have some degree of that. Then she goes into what is the really bad disrespect and why it is so bad (damages your self worth and self esteem for one!)

All in all, great book to sort it all out, actually understand why it is good or is bad, rather than just having a generally "yucky" feeling about your relationship. I bet if more people in healthy marriages were to read this they would feel empowered that they do have it good and work even harder to keep it that way!

I cannot say enough about this book or Mira Kirshenbaum. While reading each chapter, I was nodding my head in agreement to the truths being confirmed to me. Countless times I have suggested this book to friends, and they found it just as helpful. I ended up getting divorced, and I have found a new life that exceeds the happiness that I had dreamed about. During my divorce things got so hateful that I was struggling with eating and sleeping. I was able to contact Mira by phone, and she became my long-distance counselor. Such a very sweet soul and a wise woman, I am eternally grateful for her advise.

I had bought this book for a friend of mine. He was going through relationship ambivalence and I am always reluctant to tell people what to do with their relationship even when asked what my opinion is. In the end my opinion doesn't really matter does it?

This book sat around my home and started reading it. I have to admit I couldn't put it down. I thought I should read the whole thing before giving to my friend to read.

After I finished the book, if gave much food for thought about my own past relationships and confirmed much of what many of us know all along but are simply afraid to act on. Mira presents things in a balanced way but in the end, it still is up to you no matter what. Pay attention to what's inside and you'll get all the answers you need. It really is true.

I gave this to a friend of mine who after 5 years of being with someone didn't know whether or not he wanted to get married to her. His ambivalence was not a good sign especially after 5 years. How do you NOT know if you want to marry someone after 5 years is the question I wanted to ask him. It was so painfully obvious to everyone who knew him that they both were ambivalent about their relationship.

This book helped clarify a lot of things for him. What was rather timely was that he discussed his ambivalence with his Dad. His Dad basically said the same things that Mira was saying. His Dad went a step further and told my friend/his son that he needed to move on. It was time. My friend had come to the same conclusion and realized that what was keeping him in his relationship was fear. Fear that he couldn't find a more suitable relationship. Fear of hurting his wonderful girlfriend.

I have known his girlfriend for quite a while as well and she had already come to the same conclusion that it was time to move on. She was in the same state he was. She was just scared out of her mind and didn't want to hurt anyone and was fearful of moving on.

They both were worried about being in their mid 30's and of course they both were thinking that if they let the relationship go that they will NEVER meet someone again which of course is absurd when you really think about it. It took me a while to learn this and I saw my 2 good friends embark on a journey of self discovery which takes a lot more courage than I ever thought it would.

My bud is single and actually liking it and enjoying it. Being single isn't so bad he's finding. My galpal has since been dating and is enjoying the blooming she is experiencing.

No one reader should take this book as concrete rules and regulations. It's like having an Aunt Mira who has seen some things and she's sharing some advice. Be your own person and make your own decision. In the end even after reading this book, you will still know whether or not you want to stay. It's a matter of what you are going to do knowing what you REALLY feel.

It is a pain to move on, and those of us who have done so have learned quite a bit. You can face the fear and still do it. Real learning comes from it. It does no one any good to stay in a relationship they know isn't the right one or no longer the right one to be in.

She said it best "When you end a relationship that deserves to end, you're liberating two people to move on to better lives."

At times I felt I was reading my own life story, but the best part about this book is that you can not read it and in the end NOT have made a decision to either end or stay in your current relationship. I made my decision, and there were only a few written exercises to do. Ms. Kirshenbaum tells it like it is, I like her writing style, and I have ordered all her other books. I'm also going to look over her recommended reading list and order from there too. How did this very smart lady pass me, queen of the self-help book land, by? I am glad I found this author

I have read this book several times at different points in the last year and a half. Somehow this book jumped out at me at a book store during a time I was down and out, trying to find clarity in a fog of ambivalence. It was one of the initial and one of the best tools I used to decide whether or not it is worth my effort to stay in this marriage. Fear of the unknown is a powerful thing. It took about a year for what I found in this book to really sink in. Even though the answers were clearly laid out it may take some time for you to accept what you are left with when you finish reading the book. I also believe it will set the standard for future relationships as well. I believe it can be beneficial for those who are not considering leaving too. Some reviews say it it gives you an excuse to leave. Well BS because most people that need to read this book are unhappy in the first place or they would not be looking at this book at all. It just puts things into perspective and that is valuable to those who may not have a therapist or friends or family that they feel comfortable to talk to. I wouldn't use this book as my only outlet but it ranks up at the top of the combination of things I used. I am living on my own now and I love it!!!! No more walking on eggshells, no more avoiding to go home because I wasn't ready for the stress, no more explaining every move I make. I love life and this book was a key to achieving what I have now.

I married my college sweetheart when I was 24. It never occurred to me that we weren't meant to be together. After five years of marriage I realized how unhappy and unfulfilled I was for many reasons. I stayed with the marriage because I could not accept that I had made a mistake and also because I was too scared to start over. I saw several marriage counselors over the eight years I was married but until I read this book, I didn't come to the conclusion or have the courage to "allow" myself to make the right decision. A lot of this book talks about if people who were in your situation were happier they stayed or left - I can honestly say I've never been happier in my decision to end my marriage. My x-husband and I continue to be friends to this day and we are now both in new marriages and very happy. My divorce was almost nine years ago but I recently found this book on my shelf and thumbed through it again. It reminded me of a very hard time in my life, but it also reminded me how valuable the information inside of it was. I truly believe I gave myself a second chance - I couldn't be happier.

This is the best relationship book I have ever found. The author clearly has years of experience helping people make sense out of their relationships and the nagging question ... should I stay or should I leave. This book was helpful in clarifying for me issues in my current relationship but also helped me understand why I left relationships in the past and let go of any residual guilt. To quote the book "you live a life, not a relationship." If you are on the fence about a relationship this book will helped you clear that hurtle and either terminate or accept and move on.

I was very hesitant to read this book initially. I was concerned by the reviews on this site that said "Too Good to Leave, to Bay to Stay" was more focused on breaking up than staying together, and I desperately wanted my relationship to work. I finally read the book, and it told me I'd be happier if I left. I refused to believe it, but a few weeks later I did finally leave (not as a result of the book, but other things going on in my life).

Five months later I could not be happier with my decision. Looking back on it, I have to say that Mira's reasoning is solid. The book is essentially a checklist of things every healthy relationship needs, but with enough explanation so you can really evaluate if you have each one.

I bought a copy of her other book, "Is He Mr. Right?" even though it's targeted toward women. I'm using it as my bible now that I'm dating.

This is a seriously good book. At face value, it's a book that get's you off the fence, helping you to make a yes/no decision about your relationship with your "significant other." But it is in fact more than that. Kirshenbaum's poplular, easy to read, though at times over dramatic style, give us an insight into a variety of relationship issues and situations no matter what the nature of the relationship. I found myself annotating, underlining and agreeing too often for comfort.
The book helped me make rational sense of what I had come to believe as being more ambiguous than it actually is. The nuts and bolts of good and less good relating are gently, skillfully and at times ruthlessly revealed. Ambiguities and subtle deceits are debunked. That is not to say that all the mystery has been removed or clinically examined. But Ms Kirshenbaum let's you know some cold hard facts that it's 'better you know.'
Did I leave or did I stay? I left... and now I look back with, somewhat astonished compassion on the madness that was my previous relationship and the happiness I've experienced over the last 2 years in my current relationship. No regrets.

My husband & I have had our share of ups & downs over 20 years; 10 years ago we did marriage counseling for 2 years, and just started up agin. We're in the middle of a nasty, passive-aggressive fight right now, so I bought this book yesterday when I was in the bookstore for something else (also reading Goleman's Emotional Intelligence - enlightening stuff). I'm about half-way through, and I want to buy a copy for my husband to read. I'm afraid that I recognized myself in some of the chapters, here I'm thinking I might want to leave - what if he wants to leave me? MK's questions are truly helping me to focus on what issues are important, and I believe will help us focus our discussions with our counselor to be more productive. If I'm doing destructive things, and this relationship has value to me, then I need to work on changing those behaviors. We have lots to work on, but I suspect this book has articulated something for me that my husband has never been able to, and it feels at the moment like this has the potential to turn things around for me (and, I hope, us).
The concepts are very clearly communicated, with examples, which always helps me to really "get" concepts. It's an easy read, though I recommend keeping a box of tissues nearby. Obviously it's very thought-provoking. As other reviewers have said (often more eloquently) - MK is gentle but very very direct. She will support your quest for honest answers, and in my mind has been careful to leave the ultimate decision in the readers' hands. That said, it is SO helpful to have feedback from other people who've had the same questions I do.
I wasn't going to give the book 5 stars because I don't want to give the impression that it has all the answers - but I've changed my mind, because I think that a book that points you at your own answers is probably superior.

This book is an absolute life-saver.

When I had tried everything, when all my goodwill was exhausted, when I knew I had to end the marriage but still didn't understand why, when I wondered if it was me or was it him? This book provided answers to all those very difficult questions. Mira's book was the only book I have ever read which provided validation for my own experience and then helped me to see what was really going on. Mira doesn't ever tell you what to do or what you should do. Through a diagnostic process she gently leads you to discover your own truth. This book restores your self trust and self confidence. Extremely empowering. Easily the best book on the planet for the layperson stuck in a confusing relationship. If you have tried and tried and tried to make a relationship work and still there are problems - this book is for you. As Mira so eloquently puts it, "when you end a relationship that deserves to end, you're liberating two people to move on to better lives". This book will help you to discover whether or not your relationship is too good to leave.

This is my first real relationship book. I have to say that it is really geared 90% towards women. There are just not any direct books for men out there i think. This book steps your through some thought provoking guidelines. The biggest thing for me was to not become a slave of love, but a master of it. It helped me reflect on my current relationship and what direction I want to go.

With this book the author claims to provide a new approach to evaluating relationship ambivalence: whether to stay or leave. Her technique involves answering a series of diagnostic questions, much as a doctor would proceed, thereby supposedly avoiding the balance-scale technique of seeing how the evidence to stay or leave tilts the scale. But of course human relationships are not straightforward, scientific matters. The answers to almost all of the questions involve gray areas, which require weighing evidence, with the likely possibility of no clear answer.

The questions fall into several overlapping areas. One series of questions involve basic compatibility, respect, sharing, agreement, intimacy, etc: "Were times ever good?; do you share at least one interest?; is your partner's personality okay? Possibly these areas have eroded over time, but may be difficult to clearly answer. Also important are questions of communication, adaptability, acceptance, forgiveness, and support of individual needs. Does one partner shut the other one out? More significant may be questions concerning the existence of dominance, abuse, power, disrespect, and humiliation, which are more likely to be used to justify leaving.

Then there are questions that merely corroborate that a decision has already been made to leave, like the partner has violated one's "bottom-line."

The entire tone of the book is to exercise caution. The author seems to suggest that even a small possibly of resolving or accepting problems is an indicator to stay. A decision to leave is left for only the most egregious of transgressions. For those who are clearly justified in leaving or who have already made the decision, this book is unnecessary. For others seeking clarity, the questions may stimulate thought but there is no clear path to a decision to stay or leave

Making the decision of whether to leave my husband of 7 years or to stay in an emotionally abusive relationship was one of the toughest decisions I've ever had to make. This book helped me enormously. It taught me how to think things through and to be honest with myself about every aspect of my relationship. It assisted me to see things for how they really were. It was never biased in any way and encouraged me to make little decisions about various aspects of my relationship which ultimately led to my final decision. I cannot recommend this book highly enough for anyone, man or woman, who has the unenviable task of choosing whether or not to stay in a relationship.

I read this book from cover to cover. It was well organized and thought out. She used many examples from her practice to back up her points. The book made me think about many things that I'd never considered before. Being in an unfortunate situation right now, I've bought many books on this subject and this is by far the best. It kept my attention and is one of the few I've read in it's entirety.

Last summer I found out my husband was having an affair with a woman I considered my best friend. We've been trying to put our marriage back together, but as you can imagine it has not been an easy process. I love my husband deeply despite the affair, and I know he loves me, but with all the pain and damage between us it's hard to know what to do.

Recently, it had all begun to seem hopeless. All we do is fight. My days became consumed with wondering if I'd be better off just ending the marriage now. Then this weekend I was in the bookstore and came across this book. I spent the entire weekend reading it. This book is so helpful! It showed me that despite our problems, my marriage is still too good to leave. Underneath all the pain we're inflicting on each other currently, our marriage is still alive. There is a solid foundation that, if we can tap into it, should be able to get us through this.

This book also identified for me IN CLEAR TERMS exactly where our problems are coming from! And it made it clear to me that if we do not fix these problems, then this marriage WILL be too bad to stay in. But for now, there is still hope.

This book has given me exactly what I needed. Now I'm not wasting so much time thinking about leaving, when I could be investing that energy in making the marriage better. And now I know what line to draw in the sand to tell myself how I'll know if and when to leave.

I can't believe this book isn't more famous! Everyone should read this book! I wish I'd read it BEFORE my marriage got to the point where my husband had an affair. We could have saved ourselves years of pain and therapy!

I found the book offered a different way of looking at a relationship. No more goods outweighing the bads. I liked the step by step approach and the advice that followed. I did not find it too wordy. Just enough to make me hang on every word. It will teach you something about the way you think, and you will have to be honest with yourself. I think every woman who is even angry with her partner should read this and learn to put things in perspective.

Mira Kirshenbaum's advice seems to lean toward leaving a marriage if you are "unhappy" with your spouse. It's a very "what's happenin now" book. I personally don't even believe her results. I think that people lie about their happiness quotient because they want to justify their decisions......Not very deep and the people that were used as examples were not interesting to me.
According to Ms Kirshenbaums questionaire, I would be happier if I left my marriage. Really? If I did that, then how would my children learn about real Love and forgiveness, and hope and change?

What can I say other than THANK-YOU from the bottom of my heart!!!!
I took this book out of the library in 1997 - and OOPS, I paid the charges, as I never returned it!!!!! Periodically I glance at it, just to laugh at the right choice I made!
Your book turned my life around, upside down, rightside up etc. Exactly what I needed, right at the time I needed something to help me make up my mind.
I had two beautiful children to think about, and many questions. I also had answers to questions I'd never asked myself - your book asked me!!!!
The kicker for me, was when my boyfriend of 6+ years LAUGHED at me for reading your book. He joked and insulted and basically cut down ANY attempt at even looking at OUR life logically. That did it for me!!!! Long gone were my pleadings for counselling, I knew your book made sense that even an imbacile could understand, but still.....he laughed!
I stayed in that poisonous relationship for a few more months (endured another "run away" by him - but this time with definite boundaries for myself and my girls. Eventually, even he couldn't ignore these boundaries - although he tried hard to keep me on "his track". We moved at the end of summer, 1998. THANK YOU, we have never looked back!!!!
Our life is awesome! I've stayed away from any relationship that is not strictly friendship. My girls want me to date, but I won't until I feel my girls and I are ready to take that "leap of faith" again. Their dad, as usual, doesn't pay any more/less attention to them than he did living a short distance away - WE DID THE RIGHT THING!!!!! NO MORE BROKEN HEARTS for any of us.
THANKS for taking the time and effort in applying your obvious talent and expertise to an area that really needed to be explored! As much as he laughed then, I can guarantee you, I'VE LAUGHED 1000 TIMES MORE!.
Sincerely,
Susan and girls

A very helpful book although the answer one will find might not be as obvious as the author makes you believe it will be. There are many helpful hints such as to avoid putting together pros and cons lists ? they will not help you solve your relationship ambivalence, they will just intensify your emotional roller coaster ride. The examples in the book often seem too extreme, which might lead one to think that one actually has a perfect relationship compared to some of the examples. Therefore the reader needs to adjust the example to his/her own situation. Nevertheless it is a very helpful guideline to help you make one of the most important decisions in your life. But you should be aware that it might also be along way from deciding what is right for you to do to actually acting upon your decision, which is the only way to actually get out of the most unpleasant ambivalence situation and find happiness again.

If you are searching for shades of grey then this is NOT your book. However, if you are torn and stuck and really need help deciding what is important to you in a relationship or weather your relationship is as bad or good as you think then this buy this NOW. I think that those people who don't like it are not emotionally ready for it and that's fine. This author is not a comforting, hand holder. She is a realist and provides you with the tools to become one as well.

This book was a God send for me. I was stuck one foot in and one foot out and it helped me jump to one side.

I have very low self-esteem and constantly doubt every judgment I manage to make. This was worsened in my relationship with an emotional blackmailer. This book was one of my tools to help me validate the deep-seated discomfort I was having about my relationship. When I continued to doubt myself, I would refer to this book to remind myself that I my perceptions were valid. If you are chronically indecisive and/or often find yourself staying in bad relationships too long, I think this book would be helpful for you.

This book is a great resource for those who may be in the evaluation phase of a relationship-- or wondering if they have made the right decision for them. The format is easy to digest, and includes some 'case studies' which clearly illustrate the points being made. If you are wondering if life can be better with your partner, or if indeed this is as good as it gets, you should read this book. Pass it on; we all deserve happiness without settling!

I tend to be cynical about self-help books. I bought this one because I was unhappy in my relationship and beating myself up about it. How could I even contemplate leaving a kind, gentle man who had never done me wrong?

This book gave me the explanation. Reading this book, anyone in a troubled relationship will have "Aha!" moments when something really strikes a chord. I can't explain what a huge relief it is, to see your own feelings in black and white, and realise it's not unusual to feel that way and you're not going crazy.

I don't agree that reading the book would encourage someone to leave. People who think that, have obviously just skimmed the book and done little more than answer the questions at the end of each chapter. You can't read this book like that - you must study it thoroughly and carefully.

Throughout, the author repeatedly points out that you only need one strong "Yes" answer to ONE of the chapters, to make the relationship worth trying to save.

The book gave me clarity on my relationship at the time, and I decided to try to hang on. However events overtook me and we did end up splitting up.

I now have a new relationship and find that the knowledge I gained from the book is stil useful. We had some huge fights and some difficult times at the start, but knowing that this relationship had so many resounding "Yes!" answers (to several chapters) helped me keep those hiccups in perspective, and I have never been happier.

Kirshenbaum holds healthy, loving relationships in the very highest regard, but she also zeros right in on the bad aspects of a sick marriage -- the ones we try to kid ourselves about -- the ones we try to say don't really matter, and we'll just try not to notice them. Those are the problems that corrode the soul and cause people to either shut down emotionally or to get into destructive codependent living. She takes time to explore each issue, and doesn't allow the reader to glibly say Oh, no that's not me, or Oh, yes! We have to look at ourselves and our partners in depth. In my book "Your Pocket Divorce Guide" and in every divorce workshop and guidance I offer, I recommend this book. There's nothing else like it on the book store (or e-store) shelves. If you're in doubt, read it. If you're still agonizing about a divorce that's already happened, read it. You'll gain enormous perspective.

Incredibly well-written and--after a year+ of ambiguity--got me to a decision (to leave) within three days of listening to a downloaded e-audiobook from the local library. I journaled while listening.

This was my first long-term relationship (3.5 years) and all I was hearing from friends was "relationships are hard." I kept asking: "but is it supposed to be /this/ hard?" I didn't trust my own judgment and I still loved him, so I really needed the author's wisdom to come to what I (later realized I) knew all along.

I'm now re-starting my life as a single person. Recovering from breaking up from a wonderful person--who I wasn't ultimately compatible with--is horrid, but I know this is temporary and I am, indeed, glad I left.

As a practicing divorce lawyer with over 15 years of experience, I consistently recommend this book to potential clients. Many people need a tool like Mira Kirshenbaum's book to help them sort through the various conflicts and contradictions--both internally and externally, when making the decision to divorce. This book is clearly the BEST CHOICE I've found on this topic. It will help you stay out of divorce court, if that is what you need or it could help you develop the clarity to proceed, if that's in your best interests.

This book is widely recommended by many of our therapists and psychologists in San Diego County who provide marriage and family counseling.

This book is it. If you are in a relationship in which you are confused or ambivilant, but don't know why, this book will give you your sanity back. I am in a marriage that, when I look at it objectively, is "too good to leave", yet I am unsatisfied and not fulfilled. I could never figure out why, so I have drifted along, figuring that I expected too much from a relationship or was buying into too many romance novels. After all, with kids and jobs and mortgages, don't we all think the grass is greener on the other side? Well, guess what..the grass SHOULD be greener. Mira Kirshenbaum validates everything I feel, and has given me the knowledge and language to finally articulate what is wrong with my marriage. I'm not crazy, after all. This book is beautiful in the sense that Mira is brilliant in her ability to capture what love truly is and should be. She can put words to those vague feelings and emotions and needs that we all have, in a way that is smart and accessible. She can help make a decision on whether to leave a marriage much more concrete and valid, which in turn will make you stronger and more sure of your direction than you ever thought you could be.

What makes this book even better is that if you read it and answer the questions, you may instead find that your marriage truly is "too good to leave". Although this did not happen to me, what a relief and blessing it would be to feel that you could get off the fence and stop wondering about your life, because you already had what you wanted! I think alot of marriages could actually be SAVED by this book, and that is a great testament to the author's true authenticity and belief in love and what it is.

As others wrote, this book assisted me in making a confident decision to leave a bad marriage. It helped me more than a marriage counselor telling "us" that we had nothing to work on. It helped me more than an individual therapist telling me, I had already made my decision- I just hadn't recognized it. All were true, and I knew what the right decision was, but this book was the catapult that helped me organize my thoughts and truly evaluate the situation as it was. I have recommended this book to several others who are grappling with similar situations. If you really want to know whether to stay or go- read this book. I have been in a happy, healthy, and wonderful relationship since then- and want everyone to feel the peace that a truly great relationship can bring.

I had looked at this book when I was trying to decide to end my 15 year marriage. I made the decision to leave on my own. My SO attempted to reconcile but I didn't trust his reasons. So I ended up recommending and reading the book to help my SO with his ambivalence. We both started reading it at around the same time. He stopped after the first few chapters when it pointed him to leave. I'm glad I read the whole thing because for me it gave me better tools to deal with him trying to reconcile a second time. I was able to state that he had crossed my bottom line and then was able to put out specific things that needed to be done on his part for me to reconsider. Since the book has a diagnostic format it takes all the emotion out of dealing with your emotions. It really helped me with the most difficult time period I've had so far in my adult life.

I was caught in relationship ambivalence for nearly ten years. This book helped me find my clarity, but the decision was still mine to make. In my case, 18 of the 36 guidelines pointed toward ending the relationship. It was very helpful to read the case studies and feel identified with lots of them. There are some parts of the book, complete pages, that I higlighted whole.A major point that was very helpful: A relationship is either too good to leave or to bad to stay, but IT CAN'T BE BOTH. This book helps you find if your relationship is one or the other.

I've read many books on the subject of whether to leave or stay in relationships (marriage) and this book is far and away better than anything else out there. This book provides a step-by-step formula for really getting into the nitty gritty of what's right and what's wrong with your relationship. Once you can honestly determine that it gets a lot clearer about which way to go. Mira doesn't recommend either direction, she just helps you sort through the fog that often mires the important waypoints along the path to finding the right answer. The greatest thing about following Mira's empiricle approach is that when and if you do make that decision you can feel totally confident you did it with a complete understanding of all the issues.

Cher

This book takes a diagnostic approach to helping me make the most difficult decision of my life. I was trying to decide if divorce was the right choice and it really helped where friends and family could not. It was a plain spoken book that spoke directly to me and really helped. I recommend the book for anyone contiplating this choice.

This book would really help those who want their decisions validated -- either way, more therapy down the road... I knew my bottom line was hit over six years ago after a ever colder and more distant relationship, but with two little kids and no job, felt I could not act on it. I have been living in ambivalence ever since, which has been increasing due to other life events that make me ever more aware of my mortality. But whose life do I let come first? Mine or my childrens'? He is a pretty great dad. I guess the book clarifies the issues and the problems in a refreshing way, but for me has muddied the waters -- it is clear I should go, but how can I? I only hope that we can use it to open discussions on the major issues, and come to some sort of joint solution that we both agree upon. A worthwhile read, but I think mainly for those who already kind of know how they are going to proceed....

I first needed this book -- okay, I needed it before I married. I recognize now that I needed it in 1988, when the pain and confusion were enormous, and the counseling I received was, to put it generously, ridiculous. But Kirshenbaum hadn't yet written the book. Then I needed it in 1995, when totally on the fence. But Kirshenbaum hadn't yet published. Finally she did, in 1996 (hardcover), and even though I'd already made the decision to leave, and knew somehow it was right, I bought the book.
Gosh, how come I wasn't taught all this stuff before?!?
Too Good To Leave is not only the book you pick up when you're on the fence. It's not just the book you turn to to make sure you made the best choice under the circumstances. It's the book you refer to again and again and again to help you learn what IS a healthy relationship, what IS love. Because in showing us what ill-health can look like, Kirshenbaum also teaches those of us who just didn't get it what we can look for in the future, when our hearts decide to risk again.
This is an easy read: each chapter is structured the same way, with the issue, circumstances, diagnostic questions, couples examples from Kirshenbaum's practice (she provides therapy in the Boston area), and guidelines...are most people in this particular situation happier if they leave or if they stay? She begins with the incredibly painful (are you being beaten?) and moves through the book toward less and less clearcut circumstances.
Take Chapter 8, for example: "What Is This Thing Called Love?" The issue: is there any real love left? Kirshenbaum reviews what people know of love (not a whole lot, it develops), discusses feeling and perceptions, and hits a diagnostic question: "In spite of admirable qualities, and stepping back from any temporary anger or disappointment, do you genuinely LIKE your partner, and does your partner seem to like you?" A poser, right? So Kirshenbaum walks you through her experience with Ann (married to Dave) who has had to work through this question. Does she really like Dave? Or does she merely like what Dave likes?
Painful. Very painful. But healthy, because the guideline Ann must confront is, "If it's clear to you that basically and overall you just don't like your partner, then your love is a ghost... Quick take: In the long run -- no like, no love." (The quick takes, available with each guideline,are wonderfully useful as memorizable, immediate reminders.) Kirshenbaum continues through the chapter with different examples of couples wondering if love is present, with more guidelines and suggestions for unraveling the knots.
This is powerful healing, because it names the problem. In medicine, the terror that comes with extraordinary pain can be eased by words: "Sounds like a kidney stone." Definition removes confusion removes fear. Just so does Kirshenbaum, in defining what we know is present, ease our hearts. We're not crazy. There is something odd here. And we are not alone in our perceptions.
By showing us what is unhealthy in relationships, then, Kirshenbaum also teaches what is healthy. You've got to have like, to have love. Quick take #7: "Power people poison passion." Okay...so passion flowers where neither partner is into power. Quick take #28: "Time heals all healable wounds." But some wounds are so severe, and some partners so unwilling to act in healing ways, that the relationship is not a healing one. Okay...look not for partners who seem perfect, but for partners who are both unwilling to harm, and willing to heal.
Where was Kirshenbaum when I was 12?
I've grown so much from this book. Buy it, borrow it, somehow READ it before 2001 arrives. Bring your new learning with you into the new year.

This book somehow manages to give very personalized, specific insight -- more so than the counselor I WAS working with would give me.
Three years ago I married a kind, loving man whom I do love dearly. Shortly after we got married, our relationship changed significantly -- less intimacy, clear communication, and discovered he was an alcoholic. I spent the next 3 years wondering what to do, and then had this book recommended to me by my counsellor. This guide helped me tremendously in figuring out how to approach my difficult situation -- I still love my husband but have fallen out of love with "us". I've also had a meaningul affair and "Too Good..." helped me make sense of what motivated me to do it. I still haven't decided definitively what to do, but I am much clearer on our sitution.

Mira Kirshenbaum takes a very helpful approach to resolving ambiguity around troubled relationships. Instead of helping you weigh a "balance scale" of pros and cons, she asks you to instead consider 36 "yes or no" questions, much like a physical exam in which a doctor would determine whether you have a cold or flu. The book is most helpful if you agree with the author's premise (not revealed until the end) that each of the 36 issues represent a "fatal flaw" (or prerequisite for success, depending on the issue). That is, your relationship assessment must run the gauntlet through all of these issues, or the prognosis is dim. If you "fail" on ANY ONE factor, the author believes most people will be happier leaving. Some people may need to hear this advice. For example, one question is, "Has there been more than one incident of physical violence in your relationship?" Other people, reading in the midst of extraordinary pain or difficulty, may be discouraged prematurely. For example, currently separated couples "fail" in third question. "Have you already made a concrete commitment to pursue a course of action or lifestyle that definitely excludes your partner?"
The best thing about this book? If you can read it without failing any of its tests, then you should feel extremely confident your relationship is salvageable and worth the effort. Fail one or two tests? Then at least you can focus your thinking on those areas if you're not ready to move on.

This book was recommended to me by a friend, who is going through a difficult time in her marriage, as I am. We have completely different relationship problems and personal issues, but the book helped both of us to quantify our relationships in terms of whether or not it's worth is to stick it out, or call it quits. The author provides very pointed questions that are fairly black and white, so it helps you to gain some objectivity when looking at your own life. I highly recommend it for anyone who's on the fence.

I found this book to be a great help for me when my relationship ended recently. The author puts things so clearly and logically; it was easy to follow her thoughts. I was surprised to find my situation so well described, often in sections of the book I hadnt thought would relate to me. I recommend this book to people who are unsure, but also to people like me who have already made up their mind but need a bit of reaasurance.

When my second marriage was in trouble my then-wife bought this book and leafed through it; I read it cover-to-cover. Basically it's a guide to leaving with a clear conscience. The idea is that if any one of the key areas gets the thumbs-down then it's time to leave the relationship and look for something fresh and new. For a culture that regards interpersonal relationships as being as disposable as used cars, this is a snappy little item. It makes leaving easy. But as a guide to whether you should work on your relationship or bail out asap, it's less adequate. It fails to recognize that most relationships go through periods of difficulty and that many are worth fighting for.

For those people who are in an unsatisfying relationship that has lasted a long time, this may provide a useful nudge to the door marked Exit - but is this really a solution in most cases? After all, it's often the case that a problem relationship has developed because both parties have issues that are not being addressed. By focusing on the idea that one partner can go through a check-list and thereby determine that the relationship is doomed and that they will be better off looking for pastures new, this book fails entirely to deal with the complexities of real relationships. It also overlooks the fact that the majority of people who "move on" find themselves a few years later right back where they started, with a different partner but the same fundamental dynamic.

So basically it's a feel-better-about-yourself book for those who are already more than halfway out the door, because it "proves" that leaving is the best course of action. But frankly, after reading this book, I was not sure whether the vast majority of relationships would not, at some time or another, fail the tests illustrated here. And I feel that most relationships deserve more work and effort than this book implies.

Aside from this major philosophical reservation the book is adequately written, not too repetitive, and easy to read through at a single sitting.

I thought this was the best book I had read for help with getting off the fence. I had been there for many years and very confused and unsure of what to do. This book gave very clear and compelling reasoning to help look at things that seem so unclear and confusing. I felt that the author did not try and tell you what to do but rather lead you on a journey to find your own way through this difficult time. I can say this book was the turning point in my own struggle. I would highly recommend this book for anyone on the fence and ambivalent about what to do about their relationship.

My best friend from college is headed towards divorce - as a friend - you want to help her - but what do I know about being married and having five kids - zilch. My cousin is having marital problems and mentioned this book - she said it was great. I remembered it - and I sent it to her hoping it would shed some light on a very painful subject. I got a txt from her a mere few days later telling me SHE LOVES THE BOOK!!! She said it is so immensely helpful, which coincidentally mirrored my cousins sentiments - it really makes you weigh both sides.

So while I can't personally say I know this books value - two people that I love very much - on two different coasts - LOVE IT! Order it now!

Just finished the book, read it in one (long) evening. The autor answered all the questions I had as if she knew I was going to ask them. Almost uncanny, but then again, that shows how normal and common all these issues actually are. Lots to think about.

I read this book 4 years ago when I was in the final stages of a dying relationship with my husband. I had been "ambivalent"- weighing the reasons to stay and go for at least 3 years. As the author points out, it eats up so much of your energy that you don't have any left for your relationship! I have never had so many "Ah ha!" moments while reading a book - underlined & highlighted something on almost every page. I have recommended this book to so many people since then. If you are stuck - this book, through a very simple & methodolical process and set of questions to ask yourself, really can help you decide & set your future free. Thank you Mira K. - I decided it was "too bad to stay" and have never looked back!

I re-read this book in whole and in part over the course of deciding whether to divorce my wife. It was by far the most helpful book I read and helped me gain clarity or regain clarity when I got nervous. You should understand this is not a book about how to save your marriage, it is a book for the person contemplating leaving who can not decide. It provides the questions a therapist usually uses when helping a person decide whether they want to end a relationship; so, you need to be honest with yourself. I found it helpful to use post is to tag pages and a pen and paper to take notes on my answers. I have reccommended this book numerous times.

I think that it was very helpful. I was disappointed that when I got to the end she basically says that "if everything in the relationship can magically be fixed would you still be with your partner?" Well of course I would. But magically doesn't happen. It does have great advice and guidelines.

This book helped me to see how things were working in my relationship and how they were not. It gave me clarity and helped my ambivalence go away, at least for the most part. I am stronger from reading this and i feel really blessed that I even found this book. I know I will read it at least a few more times to refresh my clarity in my relationship!! If you are confused about your relationship, YOU MUST READ THIS!!

Let me start by saying that I believe most self-help books are nonsense. But this one is different - written by a therapist with experience that is truly worth reading about. The author asks insighful questions and is willing to tell you what her experience has taught her. That's not the same as "giving you the answers", but we know no one can do that. She's willing to 'lay down the odds' on how you should be looking at your relationship. One of the simplist truisms here is that if you're not "working on staying, you ought to be working on leaving." I thought I understood a lot when I picked up this book, but I discovered that what I know is the theory - Kirshenbaum discusses the practice in this book and her insight is worth every penny.

I was looking in a bookstore for a book on divorce when I came across this book. The title jumped out me because of my three-year struggle in deciding to leave my nine-year marriage. This was a book I needed to read!!

Kirshenbaum amazingly zeroed in on what my main problem was--that of balancing the pros on cons of my marriage and then trying to decide. According to her, that's the problem, not the solution.

That's exactly what I was doing for those years, and like she says --it'll drive you crazy! her approach was a more dianostic way in which she seperates the aspects of your marriage and ask you: well, how is it, and is it that bad (or good)?

She acknowleges that all situations are different but at the same time they seem to have common denominators that help her see that certain underlying factors can undermine a marriage to a point in which a person can say "Enough is enough". She realistic in presenting that to her readers.

The descion I made (which is leaving) is the most painful, heartbreaking choice I've ever made. But I thank this author for the ability for me to reach this decision which even my wife agrees is the best for the both of us. It took this book for me to come to that point.

"Am I throwing the baby out with the bath water?" That question was keeping me awake nights. Let's face it, whether to end it or stay will impact every, single day for the rest of your life. You wouldn't be reading this book if you weren't having serious relationship problems, but let's be honest, you wouldn't be confused if the relationship were 100% bad. I think it is natural to think of most decisions as a weight scale with the good things on one side and the bad things on the other and try to figure out whether the bad is more than 50%. This book helped me understand that the balance scale approach is flawed. Once I realized that each person has their own list of "musts" and "core values" which must be present for sustained hapiness in a relationship and that when any "must have" is missing, it's best to leave---I got it. You know truth when you hear it and this is right. You cannot "fix" or "change" fundamental core traits in a mate...anymore than they can fix or change fundamental core traits in us. You can "fix" things like housekeeping skills, or schedule more time together, or go to parenting classes, but you can't realistically change many core elements of another person. They either have what you require, or they don't. If they don't, you're just making yourself and them miserable trying to change them, and you have little if no chance of being able to do so long-term. This book is pure logic, and it allowed me to determine how to make a logical decision that I would never worry about 2nd guessing later. I am not a strong-willed person by nature. I tend to make many decisions based on emotions. I am a "pleaser" who has a hard time saying "No." Without having read this book, I would still likely be wasting my life trying to "fix" the unfixable. This book gave me the understanding I needed to make a decision I understood was necessary and right for both of us. It gave me the resolve to hold firm with a healthy decision. Three years later, I am in a healthy relationship with a man I have no interest in changing or fixing. I thought all relationships had to be "hard work" and even emotionally painful at times. I was wrong. Once this book laid out the traits a life partner must have, I was able to spot traits that made me turn and run and also helped me spot a mate who had everything I needed. I think without this book, I might have dismissed him and not have recognized what an incredible person he is. I was married this year, and could not be happier. I attribute my strength in leaving the unhealthy relationship and the knowledge needed to spot and select a healthy relationship in large part to this book. Warning: do not read this book if you really want to stay in a bad relationship and wallow in self-pity.

Starting at page 1, I realized that the marriage (relationship) was dead but the patients are too blind to see it. What shall they do?
- Stay together and be unhappy
- Seek a fulfilling relationship with somebody else
- Create guilt to make the other partner feel morally obligated to stay
- Ignore the problems and stay together for the sake of the children (who are grown up and should have moved out of the house a long time ago)

This book makes it crystal clear that somebody must take the initiative to leave or live unhappily every after. Apparently, many people choose to be unhappily; probably why Efexor is a popular product. The author knows how to get to the point and keep your attention.

As an avid reader, I have never before been compelled to search out the author of any book until this one! But after reading this, I immediately called Mira, that night, knowing we could work together to solve the dilemma she described so astutely and that I was living so painfully.
Her insights and recommendations are based on research done over many years in an extensive practice. The writing style is kind, straightforward and participative--- and full of Aha's! You are asked to examine your own situation through each section of the book. Mira dissolved my "How can I feel this way?" despair by helping me see how many others were conflicted about the same issues. She gave my struggle legitimacy and credibility and offered answers no one else had. My book is ragged and torn now, but thanks to Mira, my life is on the mend. After many years, I chose to leave. Thank you!

This book helped me make the decision I knew I needed to make. What it gave me was clarity. And now, over a year after I finally had the courage to leave my husband, I know I truly made the right decision. It has some excellent valid points. A good book for anyone in a relationship or contemplating one. I know just reading this book will help me in my next relationship or choosing a life partner. I have read many self-help and relationship books, but this one is very practical and to the point.

This book is an easy read and a helpful guide for people in relationships who are questioning where their relationship stands and if it's something good enough to work through or it's time to move on.

I have recommended this book to several family and friends and the response is always a positive one.

So if you have questions or are having doubts, get this book and get some anwers. You'll be glad you did.

I was listening to an advice channel on Sirius Radio and this guy named Anthony Stultz(Free Your Mind: The Four Directions of an Awakened Life)made it so clear that we are often 'frozen' in our relationships by our hidden beliefs-he recommends this book as a way for us to begin to face the fear and plan for a new way of being. I have found it really helpful!

This is a very good book in terms of providing specific items to look at in deciding whether to stay in a relationship or leave. It doesn't pretend to provide recommendations that are 100%, but tells you the "most people in your situation were happier leaving (or staying)" depending on the situation. It provides common situations that affect relationships into perspective.

This book is the most useful book I've read about relationship ambivalence and how to resolve it. It validates how you feel about being frozen in ambivalence, and then non judgementally walks you through a process of clarification.

The day I got this book I had an appointment to look at renting a house. I was moving out....going, going, gone. I started reading and then I started to cry, my husband and I were deep into relationship ambivalence. The more I read the more I realized that this relationship was too good to leave. The questions are very thought provoking and to the point. I have loaned this book to friends who are finding it helpful in guiding them to their own personal truths regarding thier relationships. It's a great read for anyone "sitting on the fence".

I expected this book to lean towards leaving your spouse, however it gave a fair view of all sides. I found it to be very informative and it gave me new insight to my own relationship. Six months after reading this book, my marriage is stronger than ever!!

This book is pure evil. I was completely blindsided when my wife of 20 years (now ex-wife) said she wanted a divorce, did not want to talk about anything, would not consider counseling, and did not love me anymore. I later saw that she had been reading this book. Prior to this, everything seemed perfectly normal. I am sure we had grown somewhat apart over the years (raising kids, two demanding jobs, etc..) and needed to do some work to re-connect, but there was love and mutual respect there. We always had great times together as a family. There was never any fighting, arguing, abuse, drug/alcohol problems, or anything like that. Just two people doing the best they can with what they know and trying to get through the difficulties and ups and downs of life. She does have a personal and family history of depression, and thought she might be having a mid-life crisis. She is now hooked up with someone from her work who she was seeing while we were still married, (though she claims that only began after she filed, and has absolutely nothing to do with the divorce!).

I am sure this book helped her to validate and justify her decision to leave and not even try to work on the marriage. If you answer even one of the 36 questions in the positive you need to leave? Really? And break up a family and destroy people's lives? How freaking selfish is that?

We have two children (ages 8 and 15) who now have to be shuttled back and forth between two homes and now only get to see each of their parents 50% of the time. What a tragedy. Can I sue Mira for helping to destroy my family?

I would just like to say I found this book to be a wonderful tool for deciding whether to leave or stay in a relationship. I couldn't put it down. The way it was written was easy to understand and it was like walking step by step through professional counseling sessions. I have come to the realization that my relationship has become to bad to stay in and now I can understand why I feel the way I do. Fantastic job!!!!.

I have to be honest when I read the title I felt "how can anyone tell me if I should leave or stay". I really thought the book was going to be uninspiring. I was completely wrong. The book has such a unique layout. There are so many real life examples that it is actually comforting to know that so many other people are experiencing the same confusion that I am experiencing. To be honest with you I had made up my mind on step 2 but I found the book so interesting that I continued to read it.

There are many reasons to consider leaving or staying in a relationship. If you want to take a serious look at what is happening in yours, read this book, work through the guidelines and use the tools presented. Being ambivalent about what you want to do is destructive to you, personally. This book gives you the ability to make a decision (one way or the other) that is based on your honest answers. Glad I bought the book, glad I worked through it (not once, but twice), and I would recommend this to anyone seeking clarity.

My wife and I both read this book independently and then compared our answers. It's arguably one of the best tools we've had to examine our past, present and future relationship. Highly recommend it.

I read this book 3 times and recommend it to everyone I know that is going through a difficult time in their relationship or is having doubts. This book will give you the confidence to know you are making a good decision, whether it be to leave or stay. it's a absolutely GREAT BOOK!

After a 20+ year marriage to a decent guy who was a good provider but not in any way my true friend, lover or life's partner, I had tried everything imaginable to make sense of my commitment -- especially because we had two children. I sought years of psychotherapy, read a library's worth of self-help books, listened to every "relationship expert" from Tony Grant to Barbara DeAngelis to Dr. Laura, always searching, concentrating to the point of exhaustion, to glean that essential kernel of truth that would illuminate the path I should take to find acceptance and happiness. But I could find no peace, no resolution, no answers.
FINALLY, this book gave me the tools I needed to understand the many issues and problems that weighed so heavily in my marraige. Mira Kirshenbaum provided the template I needed to lay over my decades of ambivalence. Her direct, snappy writing style was a breeze to read. Her observations cogent and concise. She makes no bones about taking a clear stand and expressing a firm opinion about whether people where happier that they stayed or left a relationship when the issues she explored were identifed as problems.
She gave me the language to articulate and define my marital problems. It became undeniably clear to me that I would be happier if I left. With tremendous relief and some real trepidation, I gave myself the freedom to leave for my 46th birthday present. Fast forward two years -- I have never been happier!
I recently reread the book and my second thorough reading reinforced my initial interpretations. I am now using Kirshenbaum's criteria to judge whether my current relationship meets my needs in the categories that are most important to me. YEAH! Success! This book has even helped me explain the complexities of relationships to my own daughters and what makes for a quality relationship with a long term chance for success.
For the first time as an adult I am living an authentic life that I am proud to model for my children. I am absolutely sure that this book saved my life! I am grateful beyond words for the clarity that this book provided. You will be too!

I bought this book because I have been unsure for along time if my relationship was worth moving forward or walking away. The book is very easy to read and has some really good ideas!! The questions they ask you are easy to answer and it makes questions you had before seem clear. I would definately recommend this book to anyone having doubt and concerns about staying together!

I went from being completely unclear to knowing without a doubt what my position was. Although hard to read at times because it really does make you think....it was well worth it. Ambivilance hurts everyone, this book - along with a mini vacation alone - really helped me to get my head on straight.

Author's ability to classify and sort through what is important and what is not is simply amazing! Nothing is left out. No matter how unique you may think your issues are, you are will find answers to your questions in this book.

This book is awesome. It's the only place I have found that discusses every issue that I struggled with in deciding to get divorced. Re-reading it confirmed that I made the right decision, and the guidelines are useful for determining if my next relationship will be one that is based on "the right stuff."

Wow! I am so glad I bought this book, after agonizing for 8 years I finally made a move to leave, but still wasn't sure. In the first 2 chapters of this book, I found that my decision was the right one. Thanks Mira, for making things clear. I'm keeping this book on the reference shelf in case I ever get lost again.

I am so glad I found this. I must admit, it is pretty terrifying how this book bluntly lays out situations for you. Immediately after reading this book I found a direction and was out of the limbo stage. This book is great for those who just can't decide.

Mira Kirshenbaum has both given this conundrum its name and framed it constituent issues well. By definition, this state is too sticky to have any easy solutions, but this was a very helpful working through of a lot of different aspects of this dilemma.

The book makes people think about what matters in a relationship and considers different angles. However, some of the examples in the book seemed a bit extreme to me. Some problems in some relationships are not as obvious and it is harder to define what really is wrong. This is not addressed in this book. It seems like this book is for people in relationships with obvious problems.

GUIDELINE #1 If, when your relationship was at its "best," things between you didn't feel right or work well, the prognosis is poor. I feel comfortable saying that you'll feel you've dis-covered what's right for you if you choose to leave. Quick take. If it never was very good, it'll never be very good.

This is a book that will ruin any hopes in repairing you marriage. Basically anything that goes wrong in the marrriage is the other persons fault and is grounds for leaving. It is so bias on leaving itnis ridiculous! A relationship is not all about you and your problems but rather your problems together. The writer is selfish in this way of thinking validating selfish behavior and thoughts or ideas towards a healthy relationship. She must had made for an awful therapist! I am sick to my stomach that relationships are ending because 1 our of the 36 vague "guidelines" are a problem. Don't walk, RUN away from this toxic book that almost distroyed my marriage!
There is also something to be said about how the last chapter actually suggest more books but on divorce and getting over a break up! Stay away unless you just want to give up and "feel" justified in ending things because a BOOK (whose author is making big money) says what you should do with your future.

If I followed the advice in this book, I'd be divorced, homosexual, athiest, and generally no one I'd want to be around. (I'm almost divorced anyway, because my wife read the book, too!) Still, it points out some valid statements that, while I don't believe they're necessarily good enough reasons to leave a relationship without trying (especially when young children are involved) they do bring up the darker side of human nature, like the inability to forgive. The Bible is a much better resource!

I read this book when I was engaged to be married, and it's the best thing I could have done. I was stuck in what the author calls "relationship ambivalence", where I was caught up in deciding whether my fiancé was the "perfect" man for me, and whether I really wanted to commit my entire life to him. My doubts were starting to take a toll on our relationship, and as the wedding date got closer, it only got worse. That's when I thought of seeking help and found this book. By the end of the book, I realized that my relationship was truly too good to leave. It helped me recognize the many great things that my fiancé and I have going for us. The book was a huge relief for me. I was able to let go of my doubts once and for all, and I have never been happier. My fiancé and I will be married soon and I cannot wait to walk down the aisle and say I Do!

I highly recommend this book to anyone having doubts about their relationship. It is easy to read and helps you take a good look at what you're getting or not getting from your relationship, and what you need to be happy.

When I was in couples counseling with my husband about our relationship, the counselor recommended this book to my husband, not to me. Eventually I found out about the book and read it myself. This book should NOT be read if you are in the throws of the gut-wrenching, emotional decision of whether or not to stay in a relationship. The black and white, yes-no approach to the author's questions will, in my opinion, likely sway you towards ending your relationship because you have to have a perfect "yes" response to all questions, according to the author, if you want to be happier staying. Relationships are not black and whitel Relationships are complicated and nuanced and deciding whether to stay or go takes time and patience. Keeping a scorecard of "too good" or "too bad" may be thought-provoking, but should NOT be used to make the final decision. "Too bad" so many people like this book.

Kirshenbaum's is the first that I have come across that gives you the concreteness that so many of us are seeking. This book is an easy quick read, and will help you make your decision with a great deal of confidence.

If I could give this book Zero Stars, I would.

Yep, she's a pretty good writer. And that's it.
She writes like a horoscope: designed to make you think that she KNOWS how you feel or what's going on in your life and mind. Don't fall for that. Don't make one of most important decisions in your life based on worthless, simple-minded, black-and-white "logic."

Of the dozens and dozens of marriage/relationship/sex/gender psychology/communications/neurology books or texts I've read over the years, this was the WORST, absolute WORST one. By far.

To imagine that answering questions YES or NO in a self-help book will or even should help you decide whether to leave or stay in a relationship is like expecting to read Go, Dog, Go to learn veterinary medicine.

Worse, if you are indeed on the fence about leaving, then reading a book that spins leaving in the most positive light is a big problem----and it's mostly a problem because ambivalent people should NEVER be making decisions based on the biased opinions of "professionals" who haven't the slightest idea what's going on in THEIR unique relationship.

Indecisiveness is very often one of the clinical indications, or even one of the hallmarks, of depression. And depression is very, very common--and a major predictor of marriage failure when it occurs and goes untreated.

A depressive has no business making any life-altering decisions; depressed people often don't recognize their own depressions--which can also manifest as anger or rage, irritability, risk-taking, withdrawal, drinking too much, negative bias towards past memories, "me" ideation, sleeping poorly, anxiety or panic attacks and a host of other "non sad" symptoms.

Depressed or not, avoid this book.
It has the very strong potential to do more damage than good.

I did not like this book. I tried to read it twice. The first time I didn't like it because it seemed to tell me I was ambivalent because I WANTED to be (like I need any more guilt). The second time I read it, I ended up even more unsure than when I started. It brought up a bunch more stuff to think about that I hadn't even considered--which as I said, left me even more confused. Maybe it can be helpful for some people, but it was not helpful to me.

If I followed the advice in this book, I'd be divorced, homosexual, athiest, and generally no one I'd want to be around. (I'm almost divorced anyway, because my wife read the book, too!) Still, it points out some valid statements that, while I don't believe they're necessarily good enough reasons to leave a relationship without trying (especially when young children are involved) they do bring up the darker side of human nature, like the inability to forgive. The Bible is a much better resource!

I find this book very odd but very entertaining. Its usefulness on being a guide for relationships is very obvious. I have learned a lot from this book and took it upon on my current relationship. I may not be an expert or may I say, the most experienced one when it comes into relationships, but this I say, this book made me feel that being in a relationship is a hard road to travel, and one must find ways to make that road as easy as it can be. Prior to this nice book, I stumbled upon Adult Truth or Dare: A naughty guide for lucky swinging and swapping, and learned that variety can sometimes help. All in all, this book is must-buy for people who really do need to think about their relationships.

I am a clinical psychologist and I work with couples on the brink of divorce. It seems to me that anyone whose marriage is in enough trouble to be reading this book will end up divorced if she (usually women reading these types of books.) follows Kirshenbaum's guidelines.

Better books are The Divorce Remedy by Weiner-Davis or either Should I Stay?

If you want justification for leaving, this book will gift it to you.

This book is evil. It destroyed my family and my 8 yo son whose now is in and out of a psych ward after our divorce and is now in special school an hour away. Leading people towards absolute selfishness is a wrong solution to anything human.

I'm writing this as a one star review for all those readers who go to the negative reviews first,like I do. This book doesn't need any more 5 star reviews anyway,there's so many.

I got this from the library. I have to in this case disagree with all the negative reviews. I've never had this situation before with a book. This book is simply a great book on uncovering relationship issues for those that are in an ambivalent relationship. Too many people settle and stay in a situation that's much less than they deserve.

If you blame the book for breaking you up,you are right. The book will lead you tothe truth. Sometimes that's a tough pill to swallow. Obviously, the book is NOT biased toward breaking up couples, as some say...rather it brings out hidden issues. Don't blame the messenger if you don't like the message.

I know people will be upset that I wrote this as a one star review.But I felt it was the only way to reach this group of people and cut through the clutter.

EDIT: I've changed those to a 3 star review NOT because people complained, but because there is now more 1 star reviews than 3 star reviews. So I'm putting it as a 3 star.

If you read the multi star reviews of this book, the readers are thrilled to have a book validate their reasons for leaving. No one read it and said "Yes, I reclaimed my commitment to my partner and marriage. The book focuses on evaluating your misery and what you aren't getting out of the relationship and makes no attempt to address the reader's role in the quality of their relationship. The state of one's relationship is a mutual dysfunction; looking to leave rather than reclaim your love this is a check list that dooms any relationship in peril. Even the final chapter starts with If you've now decide to leave, it is so weighted towards divorcing, if that is what you want and not to feel guilty and blame your partner... buy it now, it will be the tool you need to leave. Easier then personal growth and taking some responsibility of you get out what you put in.

Horrible review. If your partner does not even know why you might want out, to get out? I will never buy this book based on this review seemingly slighted to just get out. I can read "He is Just Not Into You" for a more entertaining look at the obvious intended advice instead of alleging psychological quizzes in support.

I bought 2 copies of this book when my husband told me he was having an affair and wanted out of our 14-year marriage--one for him and one for me. I thought it would help us evaluate our relationship. We read it at the same time and compared notes. The vast majority of our answers told us that it was "too bad to stay."

I must admit that the book is written rather masterfully in the way it leads the reader through various relationship issues, sparking some pretty valuable introspection. But with that one benefit aside, I warn other readers that THIS BOOK IS VERY DANGEROUS! If you're the one who wants out of a relationship, this book will give you all kinds of self-centered justifications for getting out. But if you actually value the sanctity of marriage and family, you'll have a hell of a time getting the "exit-prone" party to reconsider after they have read this book.

(One exception: If you or your children are being physically abused, stop reading this and get out NOW!)

Excruciatingly painful as it was, I managed to hold on. I vowed to myself that I would do "whatever it takes" to save our family. My husband agreed to see a marriage counselor with me after I explained how seeing a counselor would help us understand where we went wrong in our relationship so we could avoid those mistakes in our future relationships. (I think using that psychology is the only way he would have agreed to it.)

Fast forward... it has been 6 months since we began seeing the counselor and we're still together, doing better than we ever thought we could. Although my husband continued the affair for several weeks after we began with the counselor, he did end the relationship and I'm confident (in fact, I know) he is no longer involved with "that woman."

As the saying goes, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." It holds true for my marriage, and many other marriages. More people would actually find happiness if they would simply stop looking at marriage and children as disposable relationships....

Here's the rub: If you're looking for a way out of your relationship, reading this book will make it really easy for you--you'll find lots of shallow justifications. But if you really want a good relationship, find a counselor that will help you look inside, rather than outside, yourself for the answers.

Two books I recommend instead: "His Needs, Her Needs" (Harley) and "Take Back Your Marriage" (Doherty).

My wife and I have been married six years and have had marital troubles for nearly a year. However, we are taking very concrete steps to try to address them and we're making good progress. We're learning a lot more about ourselves and each other, about personalities and temperaments and what influences them. Now we are better able to appreciate how those factors manifest in our day-to-day behavior. It is hard work, but we both agree that in the end it's worth it -- regardless of the eventual outcome of our marriage. This book was recommended to me by a person that I have generally known to have good judgement, so I took a look. I can say without a doubt that if I had read this book a year ago, my wife and I would now be divorced and that decision would have been the biggest mistake of our lives. Several of the so-called guidelines pointed to behavior on my wife's part AND others on my own part that would have caused each of us to conclude that we would be more happy if we left than stayed. The method of decisionmaking suggested by this book is bereft of the kind of hard work it really takes to evaluate the future of a relationship and the behavior of people in relationships. It fails to explore personality types -- a cornerstone to understanding why your partner may behave the way he or she behaves. It also assumes the problem MUST reside within your partner, not within yourself. In my relationship, the problem was 80% of my own creation. But, through self-evaluation and study we have been able to LEARN more about our own personalities so that now we can better appreciate our differences and give our love for one another a chance to flourish. Unfortunately, this book rests on the premise that people are inflexible, cannot observe themselves and that their mates cannot change themselves, and therefore, whatever you've got is as good as it will get. I disagree and urge anyone who reads this to use great caution. Mira Kirshenbaum has attempted to boil life and relatinships into a simplicity that belittles the capacity of humans to love and change.

I onyl read the first 70 pages of the book. ( borrow it from library to read) but I know I will be proved by this book that I should break up. I have a sense of this book focus on the problems you have with your partner and make it bigger and bigger. It didn't let you to count your blessings and recall your happy times when you are at ambivalent. It didn't mention your responsibilities. When one person become selfish to think only s/he 's happiness, of course the easy way out is to leave. I don't really need to read a book to help me to make decision on that. I will read the book, because I'm at my relationship is not too bad to leave, not too good to stay.

Her examples of the guy not making a sandwich for the woman cost the woman to wake up to break up. So childish. Other example her tooth canal of suggested by her dentist,Sounded like that she is trying to sell pros. Including hers. ONe dentist had tried to pull my baby's teeth when he was 2. Told me if I didn't do so, my baby would have a worst swellon face and his adult teeth would be horrible, then that would make me the worst mom. I didn't listen to the dentist. My baby had no pain over the years and his adult teeth grew perfectly. It is suspicious these pros just sell for profit not really consider what is the best for you.

For marriage, if you consider only for yourself, it is easy. But if you weight on everyone involved, kids, parents, friends, it is hard. Specially when you have kids and kids are young, think of your own happiness on top of your kids, are very very selfish.

I have not read the book but read through the comments. It seems to me that MOST of the ones giving HIGH stars to the book are people that left their relationship and seem to have wanted to leave the relationship prior to reading the book. While, the ones giving LOW stars are those that stayed and wanted to stay prior to reading the book. Just going by that I would say, not a very good book if you are TRULY open to either staying or leaving, only if you are leaning toward leaving.

My first marriage ended in disaster to exactly this sort of extreme self-centered apologetics. The premise is that one must place all others behind Self to have a good marriage. Bull Hunky!

By its very nature, marriage is giving up "Self" to reform aloneness into a wholeness of two. It is the perfect extension of childhood parental attachment - read the revolutionary work in this common sense understanding to why people marry - and then have conflict - in "Hold Me Tight," by Sue Johnson, to confirm this is so.

But, even more deeply into the point of marriage is the fact that it entails the utter opposite of self-centric, self-esteeming mindset that this author proclaims as a "solution" to marital diseases. In the central theme of marriage, those who have a firm grasp on reality understand that it takes three persons to make one family, and the position held by the third person is not a childish one, it is a Supreme Being - The Supreme Being Who created marriage and the people that have the inborn need for marriage in the first place. It is wholly against the Theory of Evolution to include marriage, as marriage contradicts the entire theory of evolving life. Only the most fit survive in evolution, but it is Everyone who survives in the Master's Plan of Life, where marriage is central to every part of being human.

Instead of even allowing this deadly book's ideas to affect your living in any way, and it will promote a lifetime of disastrous relationships of unrewarded, false dreams, read a far more accurate book on marriage, and a much better and wider received authoress, "The Power of a Praying Wife" It's a fact that when humans marry, each spouse is focused on selfish desires and personal dreams. But even deeper is the undeniable need for acceptance and unconditional love(Read "Agape' - the unreserved and unchangeable determination to give self-esteem the heave-ho in order to please and fulfill the marriage and the other mate's needs in the marriage, for one's Life.) Minus this sacrificial gifting of one's self-interests, then all that is left is the Theory of Evolution, and its complete lack of love for any but self.

It is with deep sadness that my first mate decided to follow this books ill-gotten concepts of marriage, but it is that disaster that propels me to discover truthful marriage advice guides that promote the mind and heart sets of gentle love, and kind, persistent understanding for my spouse, in everything she experiences in our relationship. Her present course is to follow this book's wrong-headed advice, but in the final analysis, it is persistent, gentle love that her marriage to me is a blessing I have the power to gift her life with.

Yes, I do wish my wife had the power of praying for her relationship with me, but, in her stead, I can fill that station. I'm glad to run across books of this sort, in my search for meaningful marital guides, since I understand the vital difference between this twisted, self-centric advice that leads to a life of unfulfilled hunger for "togetherness," and the utter joy of self-sacrificing, persistent Love.

Hope this helps one who wavers on the edge of self-indulgence v.s. self-giving to heal and bond together in a real relationship between a man and a woman.

If you would like your wife to leave you just buy her this book. It offers a no guilt justification of breaking a family just because life isn't a fairy tale. A twisted book from an obvious feminist author.

This book is written to ruin a persons life.... It says keep going leave the one who loves you and does not mention kids, and how they are treated in this selfish act. I would only recomend this book to someone who I wanted to have a bad life. leaving someone who loves you and your family just because you are "unhappy" come on. that is normal for all relationships. I bet the author cheated on their spouse, and was stuck between selfishness and loyalty. and wrote this book to make them feel ok to leave.