The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity

I picked up this book after listening to the podcast. This is so much better! Insightful, and never condescending, this book really is great even if neither you nor your partner has contemplated infidelity (as far as you know, anyway!). Would recommend to anyone married.

Makes you think about monogamy and affairs differently. I think it’s useful to discover a book or podcast or point of view that makes you question what you already think you know or have all of the answers about

Lots of interesting different perpectives presented on a very diverse menu of the types of relationships found in society today. Personal insights from a book are always great but to gain a better understanding of those around us in society at large is tremendous. Exceptionally well done! Anyone interested in relationships will learn a great deal from this work.

Infidelity.

It's a highly charged topic that everyone has definite opinions about because most people have been touched by it in some way.

But what truly lies beyond the emotion, beyond the pain, beyond the preconceptions?

This is the territory that clinician and researcher Esther Perel covers in this important new work. Through working through the pain of infidelity with hundreds of couples, interviews and feedback from hundreds more across a broad swath of cultures and situations, and analysis of current research she tries to construct a picture of infidelity for all of us to look at and learn from.

In fifteen chapters that progressively work through defining different types of infidelity, the emotions of pain, jealousy, and guilt, processing, rebuilding, and constructing meaning, and the nature and challenges to monogamy in this culture, Perel brings her points home with clinical vignettes that illustrate both the ravaging damage and the potential hope that characterize walking through infidelity.

Perel challenges the reader to rethink their views, whatever they are, and realize that infidelity is rarely as simple or as straightforward as we think. There is no one single path to healing, there is no one pat answer as to why people cheat or what they should do when they're caught. Trying, really trying, to deeply understand the deep issues involved for all the parties is the only path to real growth, real healing.

I don't know anyone, whether "cheater" or cheated against or friend or family who would not greatly benefit from this important work. Highly recommended.

In The State of Affairs, Esther Perel gives an in depth look at infidelity and the effects it has on a relationship. She uses dozens of cases from her research to illustrate the various reasons why a person may cheat on their partner. As expected, she asks the question "does an affair always mean the end of a relationship?"
The book covers a lot of ground and Perel writes with clarity on a complex subject.
The personal stories are insightful and in the end there is no right or wrong answer when it comes to working through infidelity.
I've been there as have many of my friends and we all handled the situation differently.
As Perel acknowledges, there is no one-size-fits-all approach to working through infidelity. Her book provides some insight into how dozens of couples have coped with this betrayal of trust.

It sometimes happens that I praise a writer and then we meet and discover we like one another. That’s how a couples therapist and I became friends. And then, later, how we sat together and talked about ideas, some of which made their way into our work. I’m grateful to Esther Perel for her contribution to my novel, "Married Sex," and she acknowledges me in this book. I’m not completely objective when I say “The State of Affairs” is required reading for everyone whose life has been touched by infidelity. On the other hand, speaking statistically, isn’t this a book for you and you and you and you and….

Infidelity is now about a lot more than Tab A merging with an unsanctioned Tab B. It’s also — and how typical is this? — the emotional cheating we do on the Internet: “When the secretive lunch has been replaced with a secret Facebook account, how are we to know what constitutes an affair?” So Perel expands her focus. Her book is about “the trajectory of desire when it goes looking elsewhere.” About “examining illicit love from multiple angles.” This isn’t a book about overcoming the crisis of an affair, it’s an attempt to launch a fresh conversation.

Who is Esther Perel? You may know her from her first book, "Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence," which asks — and answers — the question: How can we desire what we already have?

Or maybe you saw her TED talk (almost 10 million have) about keeping desire alive in a long-term relationship. Or her more recent TED talk, exploring why we cheat. Or read the New Yorker piece about her excruciatingly real podcasts. Or you’ve listened, jaw on the floor, to those podcasts.

What’s refreshing about Perel is that’s she’s mostly interested in what happens after the discovery of an affair — in the relationship that can begin after the deception. As she writes:

"I’m aware that I risk being labeled 'pro-affair,' or accused of possessing a compromised moral compass. Let me assure you that I do not approve of deception or take betrayal lightly. I sit with the devastation in my office every day. But the intricacies of love and desire don’t yield to simple categorizations of good and bad, victim and perpetrator. Not condemning does not mean condoning, and there is a world of difference between understanding and justifying. My role as a therapist is to create a space where the diversity of experiences can be explored with compassion."

"I’ve encouraged renegade lovers to tell me their story. I want to understand what the affair means for them. Why did you do it? Why him? Why her? Why now? Was this the first time? Did you initiate? Did you try to resist? How did it feel? Were you looking for something? What did you find?"

"One of the most uncomfortable truths about an affair is that what for Partner A may be an agonizing betrayal may be transformative for Partner B. Extramarital adventures are painful and destabilizing, but they can also be liberating and empowering. Understanding both sides is crucial, whether a couple chooses to end the relationship or intends to stay together, to rebuild and revitalize."

"As tempting as it is to reduce affairs to sex and lies, I prefer to use infidelity as a portal into the complex landscape of relationships and the boundaries we draw to bind them. Infidelity brings us face-to-face with the volatile and opposing forces of passion: the lure, the lust, the urgency, the love and its impossibility, the relief, the entrapment, the guilt, the heartbreak, the sinfulness, the surveillance, the madness of suspicion, the murderous urge to get even, the tragic denouement. Be forewarned: Addressing these issues requires a willingness to descend into a labyrinth of irrational forces. Love is messy; infidelity more so. But it is also a window, like none other, into the crevices of the human heart."

I could quote at greater length — my copy of the book is so underlined and tabbed you’d think I was about to take an exam on it. But let me leave you with the last sentence, which is something I’ll bet you never expected to read in a book about cheating: “It is no accident that many of the most erotic couples lift their marital strategies directly from the infidelity playbook.” Which circles us back to her first book — making your spouse your hottest lover. Better read both.

The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity by Esther Perel

“The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity” is a provocative exploration of the many facets of the uneasy topic of infidelity. Best-selling author and psychotherapist Esther Perel takes the reader on a journey that addresses the pain and destruction of betrayal as well as the thrill and self-discovery inherent in transgression. This stimulating 341-page book includes fifteen chapters broken out into the following four parts: I. Setting the Stage, II. The Fallout, III. Meaning and Motives, and IV. Ever After.

Positives:
1. A well-written, well-researched book.
2. The fascinating but uneasy topic of infidelity.
3. Esther Perel has great command of a very wide and complex topic. She makes very good use of her experience and subject matter experts. Her style is one of going over case studies and providing provocative insights and analysis.
4. Provides endless case studies from her practice and proceeds to analyze not judge their relationships.
5. Defines key terms and follows up with case studies throughout the book. “Affairs are an act of betrayal and they are also an expression of longing and loss.”
6. Sometimes the best parts of the book are the questions more so than the answers. “When a couple comes to me in the aftermath of an affair, I often tell them this: Your first marriage is over. Would you like to create a second one together?”
7. Defines the key term of this book, infidelity. “For me, infidelity includes one or more of these three constitutive elements: secrecy, sexual alchemy, and emotional involvement.” “Secrecy is the number one organizing principle of an infidelity.”
8. What the stories are about. “These stories make a critical point—many affairs are less about sex than about desire: the desire to feel desired, to feel special, to be seen and connected, to compel attention. All these carry an erotic frisson that makes us feel alive, renewed, recharged. It is more energy than act, more enchantment than intercourse.”
9. Good quotes. “Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. —Johann Wolfgang von Goethe.”
10. The evolution of marriage. “We still want everything the traditional family was meant to provide—security, children, property, and respectability—but now we also want our partner to love us, to desire us, to be interested in us. We should be best friends, trusted confidants, and passionate lovers to boot.” “Hence we no longer divorce because we’re unhappy; we divorce because we could be happier.”
11. Explains why betrayals hurt so much. “The shift from shame to guilt is crucial. Shame is a state of self-absorption, while guilt is an empathic, relational response, inspired by the hurt you have caused another.”
12. Explores jealousy. ““He that is not jealous is not in love,” says an old Latin proverb, and when it comes to other people, we tend to agree with him, even if we do not apply the same logic to ourselves.”
13. An interesting look at self-blame versus vengeance. “We often hear that revenge is sweet, but research and life prove otherwise. Behavioral scientists have observed that instead of quenching hostility, delivering justice, or bringing closure, revenge can in fact keep the unpleasantness of an offense alive.”
14. Explores secrecy. “Secrets and lies are at the heart of every affair, and they heighten both the excitement of the lovers and the pain of the betrayed.” “Respect is not necessarily about telling all, but about considering what it will be like for the other to receive the knowledge.”
15. Some observations may cause cognitive dissonance. “Psychologist and author Marty Klein points out that rather than enhancing trust, this actually thwarts it. “You can’t ‘prevent’ someone from betraying you again. They either choose to be faithful or they don’t. If they want to be unfaithful, all the monitoring in the world won’t stop them.””
16. Why people cheat. “Because we cannot have the lover, it ensures that we keep wanting, for we always want that which we cannot have. It is this just-out-of-reach quality that lends affairs their erotic mystique and ensures that the flame of desire keeps burning.” “The one theme that I hear above all else from those who have bitten into the forbidden apple is this: It makes them feel alive.”
17. The conundrum of security and adventure. “We seek stability and belonging, qualities that propel us toward committed relationships, but we also thrive on novelty and diversity. As psychoanalyst Stephen Mitchell has insightfully pointed out, we crave security and we crave adventure, but these two fundamental needs spring from different motives and pull us in different directions throughout our lives—played out in the tensions between separateness and togetherness, individuality and intimacy, freedom and commitment.”
18. Fascinating observations. “This leads us to another common misunderstanding that Meana’s work has highlighted: We interpret the lack of sexual interest as proof that women’s sexual drive is inherently less strong. Perhaps it would be more accurate to think that it is a drive that needs to be stoked more intensely and more imaginatively—and first and foremost by her, not only by her partner.” “Many people have affairs not to exit their marriages, but in order to stay in them.”
19. The dragging forces on sexual desire. “First, the institutionalization of relationships—a passage from freedom and independence to commitment and responsibility. Second, the overfamiliarity that develops when intimacy and closeness replace individuality and mystery. And lastly, the desexualizing nature of certain roles—mother, wife, and house manager all promote the de-eroticization of the self.”
20. Explores the topic of monogamy. ““When it comes to the innate-versus-learned debate, I share the view of activist-academic Meg-John Barker, who emphasizes that our relationship styles are “not a matter of nature or nurture, hardwiring or social construct. Rather the way we form relationships is influenced by a complex web of biological, psychological, and social aspects which would be impossible to disentangle.”” “Monogamy may or may not be natural to human beings, but transgression surely is.” “Marital sufferings and family crises as a result of infidelity are so damaging that it behooves us to seek new strategies that fit the world in which we live. I’m not suggesting that dissolving monogamy is the answer for everyone. But it is obvious that the current model is hardly a universal fit. Hence I respect monogamy’s dissidents and their contribution to creating new templates for relating.”
21. Assessing the aftermath of an affair. “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.” “In my work I have identified three basic post-infidelity outcomes for couples who choose to stay together (with thanks to Helen Fisher for the typology): those who get stuck in the past (the sufferers); those who pull themselves up by the bootstraps and let it go (the builders); and those who rise above the ashes and create a better union (the explorers).”

Negatives:
1. At times it’s hard to follow the never-ending but necessary case studies.
2. Lack of supplementary material to complement the narrative. No graphics, no charts, and no formal bibliography.
3. It’s frankly uneasy to appreciate the conclusions of the book because of the complexity of the human experience. As an engineer by trade I have difficulty feeling comfortable with Perel’s conclusions but I do appreciate and respect her knowledge on the topic. Don’t expect conclusions that state the following, the scientific community has reached a consensus that this behavior results from blankity blank. It’s not that kind of book. Each case is different and the results are different.
4. The book is not intended to provide advice on how to deal with infidelity. It’s intended to share her observations of infidelity and at times that may or may not include steps taken that led to successfully keeping the marriage together.

In summary, I really enjoyed this book. Esther Perel explores infidelity through a book-wide variety of cases and makes use of her gut knowledge, experience and the best that the industry has to offer to analyze modern relationships. As an engineer, I struggle with the ambiguity of the analysis of the human experience but not the lack of fascination for the topic. A very solid book I only wished the author would have complemented the excellent narrative with visual material. That said, Perel covers a wide-range of examples and provides her very astute observations that are worthy of a high recommendation.

Further suggestions: “Mating in Captivity” by the same author, “Sex at Dawn” by Christopher Ryan, “Healing from Infidelity” by Michele Weiner-Davis, “After the Affair” by James A. Spring, “Love Sense” by Sue Johnson, “the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” and “The Science of Trust” by John Gottman, “Attached” by Amir Levine, “More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory” by Franklin Veaux, and “Surviving an Affair” by Willard F. Harley Jr.

The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity, is by far the most sophisticated book on affairs ever written, and one of the best books on couples ever about intimacy in general. Most books on this topic tell a simple story bordering on caricature: The "cheater" is the perpetrator, and the other partner is the traumatized victim. True -- in my extensive experience working with couples in which an affair has happened, the "affaired-upon" partner usually experiences symptoms of trauma, and the partner who carried out the affair must take 100% responsibility for responding to whatever she or he was unhappy about in the relationship. But it is ALWAYS a much more complex story that this simple description. For instance, as Perel states, many affairs occur in perfectly happy marriages -- it is simply a myth that affairs are always a sign of deep dissatisfaction with the marriage (or marriage-equivalent relationship). Yes -- the affairing partner has betrayed the other by stepping outside the boundary of monogamy, but the affaired-upon partner has often betrayed him or her in all sorts of ways -- by withdrawing love, by engaging in severe criticism and contempt, and by rejecting her or his often-desperate desires for sex, often with no real explanation. The affaired-upon partner may be more in love with his work than with his partner, and she then seeks attention and care elsewhere. Often, the affaired-upon partner lack basic skills in mutual soothing, shown in research to be a critical component of a healthy and stable marriage -- and so the lonely, untended partner goes elsewhere for emotional succorance. And on and on. And often, even relatively happy marriages become sexually and emotionally flat and unimaginative -- a tendency that Perel discussed in detail in her first book, Mating in Captivity. The "failings" of the affaired-upon partner in no way excuse the other's affair; but they must be revealed and changed if the couple is to gain a full understanding of why this crisis of commitment occurred. I've known Esther for decades, since 1989, and have seen how she takes accepted simplistic tropes about relationships and intellectually wrestles with them, revealing their weaknesses, and then offers a more nuanced explanation that inevitably evokes a powerful "ah hah" experience with her clients, and with her many admiring colleagues and students. Both erudite and accessible, this book is beautifully written, and provides an elegant map of the territory of affairs, and a pathway out of them that can turn this crisis into an opportunity to build a marriage beyond the couple's wildest dreams.

Those who are familiar with Perel's work cannot deny her talent as an observer of human idiosyncrasies. If you've seen her TED talks or attended one of her speaking engagements, you've likely experienced a moment where you felt Perel was saying something that no one had ever said before, but also, that made perfect sense and normalized your struggle. If you've ever been affected by infidelity, you'll find that every page of this book offers you that feeling. With surgical precision, Perel again captures the multifaceted struggles of the human heart.

Perel's perspective is particularly innovative in that, where other texts on infidelity tend to focus only on the individual and personal struggle, Perel also draws attention to the collective struggle. Her intention is to intervene not just on the micro level of the couple, but also on the macro level of the collective conscious. With conviction, she states that infidelity is all too common a problem for any one couple to feel that something is particularly dysfunctional about them. This perspective broadens ones thinking, and helps them to locate their particular infidelity in the context of their generation, their ethnic and cultural roots, their SES, and their particular set of morals, values and norms. This exercise gives pause to even the most heartbroken among us, as we become curious and reflective about the origins of our pain. By acknowledging this powerful dimension, Perel's book offers something original and distinct from other infidelity texts.

For mental health professionals who are unclear of her methods, they'll find what they're looking for in this book. It makes plain how Perel develops a formulation of each couples' issue through her distinct point of view. The book also reveals interventions of hers that are designed to contain, validate, humanize, make meaning, repair and recover. The reader will walk away with a clear view on what Perel does that makes her the effective and sought after clinician that she is.

I highly recommend this book!

A book that is sure to become a classic! Superbly written and researched. Perel articulates and deciphers relationship intricacies and impulses in ways that are revelatory, wise and funny. A book that challenges assumptions, that informs and poses questions in order to help us make sense of our inherent contradictions. A book that is both challenging and kind in its approach. Perel skillfully illuminates our humanity and shows us that there are ways to grow and heal even when we think it's impossible. A book to be given to our adult children to help them navigate the world of human interaction, and as a proactive tool to address the inevitability of life's and love's vicissitudes.

Reading The State of Affairs led me to understand relationships for the first time in my long, relationship filled life.
Do not think this is a book to read ONLY if you are dealing with infidelity. In the same way that trust can only be understood in the context distrust or breach of trust, relationships and the many ways they express themselves can best be understood when the contours of infidelity are explored.
The compassion and judgement free tone with which Perel explores the lives and relationships of the people and their journeys .... from all angles makes for a most fascinating read.
She also writes like a dream. I have underlined so many sentences and paragraphs in this book my copy looks like a well loved college text.
This is my favorite read this year.
Do yourself a big favor and buy a copy now, for yourself and for everyone you know who is trying to make sense out of their loving or unloving
relationship

If you've seen Esther Perel's TED talk, "Rethinking Infidelity," you've got a good introduction to this book. Her TED talk is nearing 8 million views. Her book also merits a wide audience.

Perhaps Perel's signal service is in updating the context by which we cast our ideals for relationships. She reminds us that our circumstances are very different from those of our ancestors who helped shape the templates of our ongoing experience.

The book is based on a large number of interviews. We see the different perspectives of those who stray and those who are betrayed. Readers will doubtless take away their own interpretations, also varied. In a time when centralized institutions and "one-size-fits-all" ways of thinking are breaking down, individuals are experiencing greater freedom than perhaps ever before. Yet, with that freedom comes new challenges of responsibility and self-determination.

'The State of Affairs' is a useful snapshot of today's relationship landscape. With Perel's guidance, readers can see what is unusual and what is commonplace in their own lives. So, too, through the testimony of others, they can see that no matter what else, in terms of their experiences they're likely far from alone.

This reader finds value in Perel's approach. She doesn't so much try to think things through for others, as to enable others to think things through more clearly and rigorously for themselves.

This is no quick-fix, how-to manual for surviving an affair, nor is it the black & white answer sheet for what to do/not do that people may be seeking. If you are ready to go to a more profound, thorough and complex place and understand what causes an affair, accelerates or decelerates it and how to metabolize an affair (regardless of your role in the triangle that is an affair) to reboot your marriage and propel it to a better place, then read this book. Blowing the lid off all the unhelpful taboos, the puritanical myths of what we should/shouldn't do or say/not say, this book dares to go where other books (and frankly, other therapists) don't dare to tread. Enough people have gone through affairs and Perel harnesses their experiences, learnings, and insights in service of helping us. With incredible style and savvy, she sifts, dissects, compiles and extracts powerful Aha's. She is not making anything up nor is she prescribing anything, she merely draws from what she hears and sees (as the world's leading couples' professional) in thousands of real-life situations (around the world), to give us the benefit of an intelligent, nuanced and textured set of observations. This book is not designed to "save your marriage", though it may very well have that effect. But it will definitely save your life.

State of Affairs, by Esther Perel, invites readers to begin a conversation, one that will serve as a catalyst for lasting personal, social, and hopefully, cultural change.
Anyone who is, or has ever been, in a relationship will find a story or an insight that speaks directly to them. Perel masterfully weaves her multicultural-multilingual milieu onto the page, taking readers into the lives of real people and real stories from across the globe. Her carefully crafted language and systemic approach takes readers on a journey which explores infidelity through a historical, sociological, and anthropological perspective, never forgetting the individuals and relationships impacted. Perel takes on this polarizing topic without condemnation or censure—merely curiosity and compassion.
Perel challenges us to ask questions that we did not even know existed to be asked. In her chapters she offers an honest conversation about infidelity, pain, suffering, forgiveness, desire, honesty, trust and identity. In addition, she talks about the topics that are missed all together-- topics like vengeance, self-blame, and a whole chapter devoted to “the other woman”. As you open this book, also be prepared to open your heart, your mind, and be challenged.

As a psychologist, psychoanalyst, clinician and couples therapist, I would say that this book is essential reading. Although it’s described as a book on infidelity, The State of Affairs takes on an exploration of the depth of human longing and the workings of the relational unconscious.

Like Lacan, it seems to me that Perel invokes the very heart of psychoanalytic concern, re-teaching to us why it is DESIRE that gives us insight, like no other, in to the understanding of a human soul. Never providing simple answers, the book does provide hope for healing, growth and new possibilities for thriving relationships.

Perel’s central thesis is that to help couples heal from an affair, the therapist needs to help her clients understand how the affair shook the ground they stood on, and how their very specific identity, the way they view their life, themselves, and their story have shifted too. The State of Affairs is a nuanced account of the existential, psychological, relational, social and political Self /Other state that people find themselves in, as their lives are touched by an affair.

Perel is at her best in her ability to move from the broadest of social and historical context to the precise point of pain that her patient is experiencing at any moment in the unfolding crisis. Each case study, as she beautifully lays out, is informed by all that she knows about who the person is and why they are currently telling themselves this version of a life story.

Her almost prescient ability to reframe and reflect her clients’ stories comes from her deep understanding of human desire. Like Freud, Perel juxtaposes states of aliveness and states of deadness. Affairs, she teaches in this book, are often an antidote to death and loss. The very fact that affairs are secret, encrust them in what she has called a “desire machine”: A transitional space where the fantasy of one’s best self and one’s most satisfying other can be created over and over again. It is our state of being at our best, our most alive, our most accepted, a state of being our own idealized self. She helps us understand the intoxicating pull. Simultaneously, she describes how in the wake of the affair a revelation can be experienced as a complete death, and total loss of self.

She calls for expanded understanding, and compassion as a couple is thrown into these emotional rapids. By looking so thoughtfully and eloquently at the “state of affairs”, Perel offers us a groundbreaking look at love, marriage, eroticism and the unconscious.

Ms. Perel has studied this subject for many years and spoken about it in many talks on YouTube. I bought the audio book so I could collect all her ideas in one place, and digest them. She has certain tenets that she repeats often, but the book has a lot of examples and stories to back up her insights. She doesn't really tell you "what to do" about an affair. She provides insights into the myriad of feelings surrounding them, attitudes towards them, and how certain couples have repaired their relationships. She narrates it herself, which is endearing because of her accent (I can't imagine anyone else reading it). However, her voice is so consistent, and the sentences packed with so much meaning, this isn't an audio book you turn on while multitasking. You have to really listen and think about what she is saying. I give this book 4 stars because it has helped me understand my spouse and her feelings, which in turn is allowing me to be much more patient as we work through our particular issues. I applaud Ester for studying this topic in such great detail, and putting all she has learned out there for the rest of us to consider.

In her book The State of Affiairs, Esther Perel once again thoughtfully and skillfully invites us to challenge the stories we tell ourselves about human relationships. Using her expertise as both a therapist and an engaged researcher of human desire and motivation, she invites her readers to examine the complexities of infidelity in a radically empowering new way. With her guidance, we learn to become curious about the nuances of infidelity instead of buying into the cultural shame stories that paralyze us. In doing so, she helps us uncover the growth and healing that is available to us individually and as a society on the other side of such a painful experience. Whether you are the betrayed, the betrayer, the “other” person, or someone who has been intimately affected by infidelity in other ways, The State of Affairs is a pioneering answer to our questions about how to engage in and transform our conversations about it with ourselves and each other.

Any therapist will tell you that infidelity is always complicated and not what it appears on the surface. Everyday people commit infidelity for a myriad of reasons. This book provides a good foundation for studying the complex nuances that surround it, and how to cope and deal with the trauma it can cause the partner who feels betrayed. This is a very good resource for clients, but also for non couples therapists, as it provides an invaluable foundation to approach such a situation clinically while examining our own biases.

Until the publication of “The State of Affairs”, the topic of infidelity, whether explored in fiction or in academic tomes has been in tone confined to either titillation or condemnation. Esther Perel somehow manages, and brilliantly so, to pull it out of the damp laundry heap and invite us to engage in conversation not just about “illicit love” but about the very nature of love itself.

Perel has been called the Dr. Ruth of our times, which is a lazy comparison, as she is clearly not simply a pop psychologist and this is not a “forget it as soon as you read it” self–help book. Perel is a vigorous intellect and researcher, an excellent writer, a charming wit and she actually has something to say you haven’t heard before. She has lived and worked in New York for decades but is Belgian born and speaks 9 languages, travels the globe constantly, is part of a multi-cultural community and listens, learns and leans deeply on these exchanges to form viewpoints that didn’t just spring forward out of some narcissistic need to win a bit of media attention (although that seems to have found her.) She is the real thing.

But she will make you take pause.

The old adages about affairs being symptoms of unhappy marriages go out the window here. More and more women are having affairs because they want to, and have no desire the leave their husband. Is she for or against affairs? Yes, she says. But in the end, while they can bring life to the person having one and even to the marriage if it stays intact, it sure as hell hurts the one betrayed and like cancer, she doesn’t wish it on anyone. She never wags her finger but she makes us things think fresh thoughts while nodding our heads vigorously as each insight seems buried in our subconscious as deeply true somehow.

Provocative, yes, Humane always.

Buy this book now if you are in a relationship, know someone who is or are curious about human nature or about how love has evolved between men women. The cover art alone should get its own award. Brilliant

Perel's book is a brilliant examination of cheating in the digital age. A deep, moving, and powerful book that is also a riveting read. Full of amazing stories and brilliant insights, the book will make you think, talk, discuss, and repeat.

This is a magnificent book -- wise and kind and deep and, most of all, true. It's also a blast to read.

I study relationships for a living (I'm a professor at Northwestern University), and Esther Perel stands alone in her ability to challenge conventional wisdom with compassion, grace, and panache. In this book, she holds people accountable for committing affairs while also seeking to understand the myriad motivations underlying their behavior. She helps us understand why even people who are satisfied in their relationship sometimes commit affairs, and she helps us think more cogently about whether (or when) an affair should end a relationship. She delves into the bizarre fact that an affair can -- in some situations -- actually cause a couple to grow closer. I don't think anybody has ever thought more deeply or convincing about the state of affairs than Perel does in this book.

In her book The State of Affiairs, Esther Perel once again thoughtfully and skillfully invites us to challenge the stories we tell ourselves about human relationships. Using her expertise as both a therapist and an engaged researcher of human desire and motivation, she invites her readers to examine the complexities of infidelity in a radically empowering new way. With her guidance, we learn to become curious about the nuances of infidelity instead of buying into the cultural shame stories that paralyze us. In doing so, she helps us uncover the growth and healing that is available to us individually and as a society on the other side of such a painful experience. Whether you are the betrayed, the betrayer, the “other” person, or someone who has been intimately affected by infidelity in other ways, The State of Affairs is a pioneering answer to our questions about how to engage in and transform our conversations about it with ourselves and each other.

Any therapist will tell you that infidelity is always complicated and not what it appears on the surface. Everyday people commit infidelity for a myriad of reasons. This book provides a good foundation for studying the complex nuances that surround it, and how to cope and deal with the trauma it can cause the partner who feels betrayed. This is a very good resource for clients, but also for non couples therapists, as it provides an invaluable foundation to approach such a situation clinically while examining our own biases.

Until the publication of “The State of Affairs”, the topic of infidelity, whether explored in fiction or in academic tomes has been in tone confined to either titillation or condemnation. Esther Perel somehow manages, and brilliantly so, to pull it out of the damp laundry heap and invite us to engage in conversation not just about “illicit love” but about the very nature of love itself.

Perel has been called the Dr. Ruth of our times, which is a lazy comparison, as she is clearly not simply a pop psychologist and this is not a “forget it as soon as you read it” self–help book. Perel is a vigorous intellect and researcher, an excellent writer, a charming wit and she actually has something to say you haven’t heard before. She has lived and worked in New York for decades but is Belgian born and speaks 9 languages, travels the globe constantly, is part of a multi-cultural community and listens, learns and leans deeply on these exchanges to form viewpoints that didn’t just spring forward out of some narcissistic need to win a bit of media attention (although that seems to have found her.) She is the real thing.

But she will make you take pause.

The old adages about affairs being symptoms of unhappy marriages go out the window here. More and more women are having affairs because they want to, and have no desire the leave their husband. Is she for or against affairs? Yes, she says. But in the end, while they can bring life to the person having one and even to the marriage if it stays intact, it sure as hell hurts the one betrayed and like cancer, she doesn’t wish it on anyone. She never wags her finger but she makes us things think fresh thoughts while nodding our heads vigorously as each insight seems buried in our subconscious as deeply true somehow.

Provocative, yes, Humane always.

Buy this book now if you are in a relationship, know someone who is or are curious about human nature or about how love has evolved between men women. The cover art alone should get its own award. Brilliant

Perel's book is a brilliant examination of cheating in the digital age. A deep, moving, and powerful book that is also a riveting read. Full of amazing stories and brilliant insights, the book will make you think, talk, discuss, and repeat.

This is a magnificent book -- wise and kind and deep and, most of all, true. It's also a blast to read.

I study relationships for a living (I'm a professor at Northwestern University), and Esther Perel stands alone in her ability to challenge conventional wisdom with compassion, grace, and panache. In this book, she holds people accountable for committing affairs while also seeking to understand the myriad motivations underlying their behavior. She helps us understand why even people who are satisfied in their relationship sometimes commit affairs, and she helps us think more cogently about whether (or when) an affair should end a relationship. She delves into the bizarre fact that an affair can -- in some situations -- actually cause a couple to grow closer. I don't think anybody has ever thought more deeply or convincing about the state of affairs than Perel does in this book.

This is an extraordinarily important and timely book. When we consider the immense suffering that often results from infidelity -- lives shattered, families broken apart, children who experience the fallout of hurtful divorces for years -- or marriages that persist but are filled with mistrust, sadness or contempt -- and then consider that this is a the normal state of things today, it's blindingly obvious that we need to find new ways to think and talk about infidelity. Disclosure: I know Esther Perel as a friend and have seen how much thought and deep caring and rigor she has put into this book. I have read it twice. What's most beautiful about it is the compassion, sensitivity and specificity that Perel brings to her subject. She has spent years working intensively with couples. She is a gifted listener. She's also tough and highly ethical. Some of the press about this book will likely leave the impression that Perel is giving people who cheat a pass because she is trying to understand them. Nothing could be further from the truth. She is very clear about the pain that infidelity causes, the betrayal it represents, and the work that it takes to repair a relationship and win back trust and atone for the hurt that was caused. At the same time, we have to remember that lots and lots of people have affairs. And lots of people betray their partners in other ways, too. (We may not view a spouse who is consistently contemptuous, withholding or rejecting as engaging in 'infidelity' — but these actions can be just as painful. We typically only see the line of 'betrayal' being crossed when it takes a physical form.)

Perel shows that we need a lot less reflexive judgment, less binary simplistic framing of victim and victimizer, and much more understanding about why infidelity happens, why it happens even in happy marriages, and how it can be used to understand ourselves and our partners, and perhaps the next potential stage of a marriage -- whether it's deciding that it's over or finding a way to reconstitute the marriage based on a new story and a deeper level of honestly.

Now that we're living into our 90s or longer, it's possible that people can be married for 60 or 70 years. With all of the pressure today to live exciting lives, to experience an idealized vision of romance, to have a spouse who is at once a best friend, lover, co-house-cleaner, child-rearer and bread winner, and trust-worthy confidant, and more, we have set ourselves up for failure. Because we have such high needs and expectations and live so long, we need to rethink the adventure of marriage and be honest about the challenges of monogamy. Perel says that many of us are likely to have 3 or 4 different marriages -- but if we recognize the forces at play we might be able to have these marriages with the same person -- as we change and learn about ourselves and our partners and see the potential for the rediscovery of one another. It's an exciting way to think about marriage. By looking deeply at infidelity, this book also illuminates the true nature of fidelity — and the possibilities to have a deeply fulfilling marriage. And it does it better than any book I have read on the subject.

Absolutely essential read for anyone (because if you haven't cheated or been cheated on, you know someone who has). Esther is a master at communicating about relationships, our desires, and why we do what we do in relationships. This is one of the most helpful, eye-opening books I've ever read about relationships and human nature. I hope this book is read by millions because the information in it is so important to create strong, honest, loving relationships.

Earlier, I read Perel’s Mating In Captivity and found it to offer interesting insights, though I didn’t agree with all of what she wrote (for example, I disagree that desire REQUIRES distance). I found The State Of Affairs to be the same – interesting insights, but I didn’t believe all of her conclusions. Perel does have some interesting insights that apply to some people and this makes the book worthwhile; but I suggest that these insights don’t apply to everyone.

This book challenges us to go out beyond psychological correctness and to both look deep into ourselves, and also reflect at the culture and society we live in, within which our actions acquire yet another layer of meaning. Perel is a master at creating a space for usually forbidden conversations, where safety comes from genuine curiosity and daring to speak the often unspoken. And then continuing to really talk about it. The State of Affairs is truly non-judgmental: instead, it is animated by interest, courage and genuine curiosity.

To my mind, with The State of Affairs Perel challenges the field of couple therapy to bring a big chunk of human experience, the affair, out of exile, and back into textured discourse on relationships, a topic for thoughtful non-judgmental understanding and inquiry.

Perel is committed to questioning and understanding what is. Her values are deep and strong, just not necessarily received ones. Read this book!, even though it might make you uncomfortable. The stories are great -- some will resonate, others are guaranteed to make you squirm -- regardless, you will have an experience and you will inevitably be in conversation with your own beliefs, assumptions and experiences. The State of Affairs is powerful courageous enlivening painting-outside-the-lines serious contribution. And o! so much fun to read.

The author, Esther Perel, is a child of Holocaust  Survivors. Her studies are based on why people do what they do to themselves and others. Her practice is in Relationship Counseling.
This particular book covers the research and practice supporting what applies to Infidelity. It covers the history of marriage and the changes in Society, since the earliest marriages and how things, people, society have changed over the years. The results are a change in understanding and viewpoint. She discusses her own marriage and suggests that there were three stages of it, up until this point. People changed, objectives and goals changed and they made the personal changes to accommodate these changes by developing a new dynamic and a new point of view, a new understanding and agreement, on how to move forward, with love. And how to reach the understanding that maybe that isn't an option, in some instances. Also, with love. Important research and can be life changing.

I never thought a book about Affairs would open up an intimate dialogue with my husband, but The State of Affairs gets under your skin and makes you think about the complexity of relationships. After reading, I didn't think to question my marriage about infidelity, but found myself questioning my life as part of a couple and reigniting forgotten passions with my life partner. State of Affairs is an exploration of how we perceive 'right' and 'wrong', love and hurt, trust and betrayal. I'm grateful for Esther Perel's honest and raw writing about this taboo subject, and for me it went beyond the pages of a book, it has started a long overdue conversation.

Reviews are great, especially when they are written by friends... they just read different. The "story-telling" premise (which is the wisdom therapist's acquire after decades of listening) has promise, however, only to the extent people are aware, non-judgmental, non-reactive, mindful, intelligent, and willing to be present without confirmation bias, etc. In other words, this, and every other book, is only as good as the reader's ability to step outside their own shoes, accept that "it is like this" and move forward. This book provides the material to understand our situation has probable causes and conditions and in that sense, we gain a sense of validation if not acceptance of our unwanted situation. Knowledge brings opportunity.

Sexual health is balancing the safety and consequences of sex with life affirming sexual pleasure. Perel takes us through the multifaceted sexual health violations inherent within infidelity when a partner is exploitive, dishonest, assaults the couples shared values while risking unplanned/unwanted pregnancy, sexually transmitted infections or HIV to unilaterally pursue relational and sexual pleasure. When a member of a couple falls off the balance beam of their marital agreement, Perel helps us all understand the inherent humanity within each individual couple to remount. In doing so she confronts our ease with moving into polarizing melodrama narratives with cardboard cutout characterizations of an affair and in so doing holds a mirror to the central societal difficulty of our nation: suspending our judgements in order to study dual perspectives with curiosity and determined honesty to “find places where the truth is more likely to lie”. Ultimately, much like a gymnast falling off the beam, it is the grace of returning to the relationship and all the hurt and betrayal, that begins the process of restoring balance. Perel has written a manual for marital affairs. What can also be extracted from her narrative is a mirror for the state of our nation. The very fabric of our civic agreements is unilaterally being put asunder by exploiting the loop holes of our national contract. Perel provides a multifaceted map for empathically and wisely moving out of the affair into a new relationship founded within principles of erotic and sexual health. If couples can be guided through their affair perhaps they will become a valuable unit that contributes to improving our current national affairs?

This book is a beautiful gift to every human being. Personally it opened and healed my mind and soul in this specific and difficult moment of my life where I could relate to so many topics and feelings described and analyzed in this enlightening book.
I salute you Esther Perel!
Thank you so much!

Esther's wisdom restores hope for the hopeless, and renews strength for the weak. Her teachings enable one to think not just outside the box, but in a completely different box. A must-read for anyone who is in a relationship or is entering into a new one!

Brilliantly written, thought-out, and researched. Every man or woman who is a party to life’s most painful triangle, the extramarital affair --in fact, anyone who fears or fantasizes that one day they might be involved in one— must read this book.

I recommend this book to everyone who has ever been affected by infidelity, whether as one in the couple, the lover, the best friend, the close and extended family or the ‘village’ surrounding the couple. In this beautifully written book Perel investigates our fast-changing romantic relationships from the perspective of each of these constituencies. Much more than a psychology self-help book, it is also an anthropological and cultural exploration of our most complex intimate relations, as well as marriage as an institution.

Depending on the reader’s own history with love affairs, at times it may not be an easy read. But Perel is such a fierce advocate of relationship accountability - without being judgmental - and I found a lot of light, hope and encouragement while reading this book. Creating better and richer love unions - even in the aftermath of an affair - is a form of art that can be learned, and is our ultimate choice.

More warmed-over 1960s "open mindedness" - designed to get sales and make money.
The big problem with the attitudes promoted in the book is quite simple and obvious: if your spouse (or partner, or significant other) has an affair behind your back, you are dealing with a liar and a hypocrite. You are dealing with a person you can't trust.
Now, if you don't mind living with a liar, that's fine. However in real life it seems that dishonesty and untrustworthiness in one area tends to seep into other areas as well.
Seems like a better approach is to exit the relationship.
Of course this author will make lots of money - click-bait title, what's not to like?

Ether Perel is doing important work. Her multi-cultural experience affords her to make exceptional connections. As a licensed MFT I find her "sex positive" approach to be hopeful. Healing and growth is possible!

"Definitely provocative, but at the same time non-judgmental and very useful for all couples who want to understand better what roles jealousy, envy, infidelity, eroticism, acceptance and kindness could play in a relationship.Great piece of work about how nowadays affairs are not what they used to be." N.Rusetskaya, Ph.D.

Esther Perel is a brilliant woman interested in people and the dynamic of relationships that she analyze from several perspectives - there are no winners or victims, the state of affairs is complex, with equal opportunities. Infidelity is part of love & pain, but is also Shiva refreshing old feelings, boredom, and routine. The bed in fire again? It is possible. Think and rethink.