How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair - A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful

This book was right on point! I purchased this book to give to my husband because I felt as if he was not understanding what I needed from him or that he didn't believe what I was telling him I needed would really help. Maybe I wasn't expressing myself in the right way for him to really "hear" me - I don't know. But this book detailed the exact things I was wanting from my husband. I read the book first and marked the important parts (for me anyways). I recently gave it to him to read. I am praying that it strikes a cord in him and that he will understand where I am coming from and what will help me deal with and be able to move past this so we can work on our relationship. Fingers crossed!!

It's short and to the point. Also, visit Linda MacDonald's website. She has free articles and other helpful tips. In fact, I would visit her website first, read her free articles, then buy the book. You'll see her writing style.

I continue to purchase this book for couples going through the pain and trauma of infidelity including two couples the past two weeks. I don't understand the negative response previously given. The positive feedback from clients encourages me to continue using the book. The author speaks to the unfaithful partner information that must be understood to bring healing to the wounded partner and the relationship.

At first I was hesitant at purchasing this book, not because I feared the "preaching at me" type sermon for my fault, but that fact that I knew my wife would not want to follow or even consider the steps in the book. The author encourages the reader to use this book at a manual like that of an auto mechanic uses a manual to repair their cars. I am using this book as a manual to work on our marriage, but the one thing I don't have is the "auto" in the home. My wife is still not coming back to the house.

I recommend the book because it does give general insight as to the psychology during the healing process. It also gives fair warning for those who are faint hearted and not willing to work the recovery road and steps or guidance of how we can become strong hearted to help heal our spouse. I also recommend this book since it will assist even the betrayed spouse as to what the wayward spouse is about to embark on in this long journey. One part of the book speaks about if the betrayed spouse purposely makes the wayward spouse wait in lieu of vengeance, the marriage is over since the betrayed spouse is more vengeful than understanding.

I would recommend the audio portion of this book for those who are on the road a lot since the reader is pleasant to listen to on the audiobook.

This book had a huge emotional effect on me from the very beginning. It really opened my eyes to the magnitude of the hurt and trauma I've caused my husband since I told him about my affair 2 months ago. I realized that I've pretty much been doing and saying all the wrong things, only to cause him more pain and insecurities. I finished this book in one sitting, through tears, note-taking and highlighting... And I feel more determined than ever to rebuild my marriage.

My husband and I read this book and it was extremely good. My husband remarked that it told him many things he did not realize I was going through. I highly recommend it to all who are going through this in your life.

After I found out about my husband's affairs I had him read this book. I don't know what's in this book but he changed the way he acted from being defensive to being compassionate to what I'm dealing with. Must be some good stuff in there!!!

He doesn't mince words. He explains very thoroughly how the betrayed spouse feels, and that restoration is not for the weak. It would have been helpful to have another chapter on making amends, but overall he gives concrete steps to saving your marriage. I wish I had read this along time ago

I am a marriage & family therapist, and I see many clients who are struggling after an affair has been discovered.
This book is an excellent resource to use, to be used by, unfaithful spouses to help heal their partner's sense of being betrayed.

I am the injured party and this expresses the EXACT way I feel.. and while it was painful to read at times it said it all..
My spouse is now reading and I am hopeful it will say things in a way I would
Like to say but easier coming from the author

I would not change one sentence in this book. It described to my spouse exactly how I was feeling, and what I needed for the healing process to start. For myself, it validated my feelings and helped me realize that these overwhelming feelings were normal. An easy read

This book reads exactly like the title says. This is a manual, specifically, a repair manual. Just like a Haynes manual for your car this book will show you how to fix what you have broken, show you what tools are needed for the job, and how to avoid problems in the future. What more could you need other than the desire to Get'er Done.

After years of struggle to communicate to my partner what they need to do to keep our marriage intact, this book summed it up perfectly in a way he understood and could put into action. Highly recommended. The book is divided into short sections that are easy to follow. I suggest talking together about the concepts section by section, rather than reading it individually. If your partner wont put in the effort, that's a pretty clear marker of a need to make changes, right? This book is one we refer back to every few days and it does help. I feel it has a mild tone towards the betrayer which is important so they don't just give up and feel they can never make it right. It clearly explains what the faithful partner needs and with steady effort it can help the relationship move into healing.

Though it was short and simple it also didn't have any extra insight to helping a spouse heal that you can't find on an online support forum. Also has a major religious push that isn't applicable to all potential readers. If you believe in god and need a starting point to helping understand how to help heal your spouse than this may give you the information you need.

After reading three pages of this great 'self-help' guide I could feel the positivity returning to my thought processes again. Great advice that I hope will lay down the foundations to reconciliation.

Linda MacDonald understands what is required from the betrayer if they want to restore their marriage, like no other counselor I am aware of. She spells out in consise terms what must be done, each point made is valid and cannot be ignored. As the betrayed spouse, I began to wonder if it was me, expecting more from my wife than what is reasonable in order to have a restored marriage, more than ten years after D-Day. After reading this book, my feelings have been validated. A year prior to reading this book, I had told her some of what I needed, needs that are noted in the book. She told me it was too hard for her to do that. As a result, we have not made the progress that is desired. I now know any further progress will require my acceptance of un-met needs.

While I type this review, we are still in recovery and are rebuilding our marriage after my husband's affair. For months after disclosing the truth he remained defensive and angry and would not commit to working to repair the damage he had caused. I bought this book for myself, to help me understand and deal with my feelings. I then gave it to my husband to read. Immediately, and I mean immediately after reading this book (in one sitting) he was finally understanding what he had done. He "got it." This book helped him see what he did and how to begin fixing it. I believe this book made all the difference between divorce and repair for us. It's a very easy read. Easy to understand, thorough and helpful for what needs to be done to be a Successful Rebuilder. Highly recommend.

It seems that this book is mostly written for men who cheat on women. I did not feel our situation was represented well. I especially had some problems with the suggestions of being willing to do whatever your spouse wants to do sexually.

This book was wonderful. I ordered this for my boyfriend because I didnt know how I was going to get over this pain and how he could make it right. I knew that I loved him and that I wanted to forgive but I wanted him to suffer. I recommend this to all as a fellow author of "If You Knew Better, You Would Do Better".If You Knew Better, You Would Do Better

I am not good about giving reviews, but in the case w/ this book I feel it's essencial!
When I found the title of this book on the store my husband and I were 6 months post his final confession. I had endured 11 months of the trickle effect....the last lie coming out before a lie detector test. After his test he was euphoric, he felt clean and renewed. He didn't understand why I couldn't move forward w/ him? Why my pain was still so great? This book was ME! It was every e-mail i'd sent him, every letter i had writen, every journal entry. I underlined nearly every paragraph of this book and handed it to him. He read it...and then he SAW me! Finally! He got it and understood the depth of my pain and then began the process of renewal. I cannot say enough about this short manual. If you have had infidelity in your marriage, you must read this! Thank you Linda Macdonald!

Ms. MacDonald has given couples struggling with recovering from infidelity a wonderful roadmap. I recommend this book for both wayward spouses and betrayed spouses. Too many counselors fail to grasp the devastation caused by infidelity. Their advice is to push the betrayal under the rug, don't ask questions, and pretend it never happened. Or worse, they place the blame on the betrayed spouse. Ms. MacDonald takes a more realistic and authentic approach to recovery.

For those struggling with how to help their spouses heal, this will be a wrenching journey but one worth taking. For those who were betrayed, it will affirm that your expectations and needs are valid. It will help you give voice to your struggle.

This book did have some good tips but it was so negative that it was hard for my spouse to even FEEL like looking at anything that might be helpful. I agreed with the 14 things she mentions but again, she was so negative towards the offender. I feel like the offender has enough shame and guilt. You don't need to rub it in. It is good to understand the hurt of the innocent spouse, but not by crushing the one who had the affair. And I disagree that the person who had the affair was the only one that should be blamed. There is a reason they went elsewhere. We ALL need to look at ourselves and think about how we can enhance our intimacy and our marriage by changing for the better. Forgiveness is key. I wish the tone of this book had been more positive and hopeful. If you have an emotionally sensitive spouse, please do NOT have them read this book. It will hurt them and not improve things. I unfortunately made that mistake. But I am blessed that we were already at a much better place when he did read it, so we could get past it. Someone else might not be in such a good place.

I appreciate some of the advice provided by the author. She mentions not retaliating, being patience, and supportive for the betrayed spouse. But overall, the book is one-sided and negative towards the "betrayer/offender". The language is negative and offers little in the way of hope, forgiveness or balance.
She admits that she is coming from a conservative, Christian foundation - and there are subtle statements that confirm her personal bias. There was a part where she groups homosexuality, addiction, and trauma/abuse together. Seeking a same-sex partner is no where near the same as an addiction. She repeats herself and reiterates that a broken marriage starts and ends with the "betrayer" taking the guilt, shame, pain, trauma of the affair. There is no mention of how to start forgiveness or how to encourage hope.
This whole book could have been summarized into 1-2 chapters. I would NOT recommend this book to a friend/couple in a fragile place and in search of healing.

I disagree with some of the books bigger points, such as that the person who had the affair is always 100% at fault. I get why the author recommends that approach, but the fact is that there are myriad reasons for people having affairs and who is or is not at fault should be explored with a pro. But this book is a precise and abridged compendium on navigating the effects of your affair so it probably doesn't hurt you to follow it to a t. It takes just a little while to read it. The general message you'll get is take responsibility, be nice, don't make excuses and be patient. There's more to it than that, but that's the basics. I do highly recommend this book if you want to save your marriage after an affair and it takes a very small investment of your time to get thru it. It's worth it and good luck.

I was put off by the political viewpoints thinly veiled as topical. The author quotes other prominent authors and I found the book to be lacking fresh substance. I bought based on other reviews and was very disappointed.

This book was written horribly unprofessionally and biased. It’s sad to think that there are actual couples that this “doctor” has seen. My deepest regards go to all of the couples who have gone to this woman only to not receive proper help but also to waste their money on it.

If I could give it less than one star I would, and I would’ve sent it back for a return if the return wasn’t almost half of the price as the book.

Sometimes I have to wonder about folks who post extremely negative reviews. I am a counselor and bought this to give to a client and it is excellent. When people are hurting they don't want a thousand page textbook. This is as described: a practical self-help manual; and I found it to be very readable, concise and right on the money. I'm glad to have found something like this to share with clients who are suffering.

Most of what you see in this book has been said better elsewhere (Not "Just Friends"). The unfaithful party was called the "Rebuilder" in everyother sentence - got a little mundane. I was singing Bob the Builder by the end. Not much valuable information that can't be found in a more comprehensive book but to each his own. Maybe I expected it to be more than it was. I got this to help my partner help me though this mess, but I won't pass it along. I didn't think the benefit was there or that it would be a big help.

I inadvertently uncovered an affair that my husband, of 35 yrs had 3 yrs ago. The devastation that I feel is profound and almost unbearable. I purchased this book bc I thought it might help give me some insights into my own feelings and behaviors, not so much to help him - I couldn't care less about him, if I have to be honest. However, if I didn't know better, I would think this book was written about ME. Everything described fit me to a T. It validated my feelings of total despair, hurt and anger. I wasn't "crazy" or just over-dramatic - the depth of pain she described that is felt by the devoted spouse is exactly what I'm experiencing. Having that validation made all the difference to me. I decided to give the book to my husband (altho I had it in an audio version). It's a very easy read/listen - 2 hrs. It gives bullet points on every emotion and feeling the devoted spouse feels and what the offender needs to do if there is any hope of salvaging the marriage. Fortunately, my husband was very receptive and open to accepting responsibility and for making a sincere attempt at righting his horrible wrong. But having him hear it from a trained professional, void of the emotion involved - instead of it just being me screaming it in his face - has truly opened his eyes to the mistakes he made post-affair (we all know what mistakes he made DURING!). It gave him some insight into what I was having to deal with that I don't think he would have had otherwise. I can't say whether or not we'll be able to salvage our marriage but after 35 yrs, I felt that I had to at least open myself to the possibility but without the proper tools, he would have been a total DISASTER. Men don't think like women and he had no frame of reference for how I felt or what to do since in 35 yrs I have never and WOULD never have done anything even remotely similar to him. Now he knows. We'll see where it goes from here. But I would recommend this book to anyone who was ever IN an affair. My husband made so many mistakes post-discovery that I can never recover from and that he can never fix, making reconciliation that much more difficult. I would also recommend giving this book to anyone you know is having an affair. Don't sit idly by and be complicit as so many people did with my husband, giving him the false impression that what he was doing was perfectly OK. Get in the offenders face - no matter HOW close you are to the situation. If that's not in your nature - secretly give them this book. Maybe it will help some poor spouse somewhere deal with the pain of discovery.

My husband read this book after his affair with my best friend blew up in his face.

We're still together and working on our marriage but I'm pretty sure I would have filed for divorce if he hadn't read this book. This book made him understand how his actions affected me and gave him the tools to take care of me in the aftermath of the affair.

Reconciliation isn't guaranteed but if you want any hope of rescuing your marriage and rebuilding trust, read this book.

Really amazing & insightful book. The author has such a wonderful perspective & this book gives so much info on how to help. I read it; still waiting for my unfaithful partner to read it. I'm sure it will help. I also read the book Who Will You Become? also by the same author & it was amazing; strong, but amazing.

I have only read the first three chapters so far but after skimming through 5 different books I had to purchase on the store kindle and not liking the tone of the author how the information was delivered, much less the information in it, I finally couldn't stop reading this book after the first line. It is more helpful for me to get inside the head of my spouse and learn how to heal from that perspective in order to cope than to figure out how to manage the feelings I am already managing in my own needed ways. This book does that beautifully. I highly recommend this book to the betrayed and betrayer alike!

This is a great look at the aftermath of infidelity from the perspective of the person who was betrayed. I felt it really understood what it is like to have your world demolished in one moment by the person who was supposed to love and cherish you. Many self-help books on infidelity seem to focus on the person who had the affair, but this one really looks at it the other way and gives ideas how to help the betrayed partner heal.

As a therapist I only recommend resources that I know will hit the target for my clients and help them in a very practical way navigate the pain they are dealing with. Linda's book offers immediate practical help not only for the offending spouse but it provides tremendous reassurance for the spouse who has been devastated. I would recommend this book without reservation and believe it is the very best work on the topic. Brilliant, clinically proficient and containing hundreds of insights that could be immediately applied.

Linda's book is excellent, honest, and to the point. She does not pull any punches, but gives the honest material that you will need to give your marriage the best chance of success. Friends and family members often avoid this type of advice because it can be hard to hear - but it is the advice that works. Linda's book is fearless, ready for the brave man or woman who is ready to make a difference in their marriage for good.

This book was pivotal in rebuilding our marriage! From the time my husband started reading it, he changed significantly. He became much more aware of my emotions of pain and anger that he caused. He was willing to work things out. I realized then, that he really did love me, but hadn't known how to start showing me.
I'd recommend this powerful little book to anyone who wants to remain married and still loves their spouse.

I have no idea whether my cheating partner will ever read this, but I felt 1000 times better having read it. It helped me name why some of his communication efforts in the aftermath of his affair kind of made everything much worse. It's like, the affair is one trauma, and then trying to reconcile ineffectively is a million new traumas. I am grateful for this book.

Really not recommendable. It's recommendations are completely obvious, and I hate the use of "spouse" in the title. Other people are cheated on too. But that all has to do with the author's conservative right-wing point of view. Worst indicator of this is categorizing homosexuality alongside addictions and disorders. Horrible book.

I purchased this book for my husband. We are newlyweds and he had an affair/fling 3months into our marriage. This book is helping us become a stronger couple and appreciate each other and heal us both. This book saved us.

Excellent book. Gave great insight and helped me get through an emotional affair that my husband was having with an OLD girlfriend. It is great to be able to return to this book when I need to. Even got him to read some of it. I recommend this highly to help everyone going through this to realize they are not crazy.

GREAT GREAT Book. If the cheater will read it, they can avoid some pitfalls that will just cause more pain for the hurt person. It is sad that a book like this had to be written, but Linda MacDonald did a wonderful job. Some areas could include a little more information, but the advise offered is extremely helpful.

We found this book to be a very helpful place to start after our marriage was destroyed by infidelity. Unfortunately, this was new and dangerous territory through which we did not know how to navigate. In addition to counseling, this book provided the guidance that we needed.

It was over 6 months ago my husband cheated on me with a woman who pretended to be my friend. I read all the reviews on this book so I thought I would give it a try because this one sounded different than the others I had been reading this one really shows the cheater the pain and damage the caused rather than just focused on what went wrong inthe marriage. I KNOW there were problems in the marriage but I wasn't the one who chose to deal with them by cheating. When you want to reconcile after a betrayal this is the book for both partners to read. I suggest having the one who was betrayed read it first and highlight and/or make notes in the book and THEN the betrayer read it. It really tells them the damage and pain they've caused not just to the spouse but to the children too

Good solid honest advice from an author who has helped countless couples "make it" after extremely difficult and painful betrayal. This book provides practical, doable steps to the recovery of "messing up" owning it and learning to "love well".

As the faithful, betrayed spouse I have spent the past 18 months since revelation in counseling with my pastor and various others, read all sorts of books on marriage, healing and affairs, but with an unhelpful, at times unremorseful spouse who had continually lied to me in his best efforts to minimize the damage, I finally found a book that "gets me". I cried buckets reading this book because it is the first time in this whole journey that I a feel someone understands what I am feeling. I am hoping that my spouse will also read it and finally "get it" but even if he doesn't there is a huge relief from just knowing I am not crazy for all the things I am feeling. I nearly didn't buy this book as I have been trying to avoid focusing on what he is not doing to repair our marriage and instead work on what I can do to forgive and heal our marriage, however I am so so so glad I did buy and read it because if nothing else I feel heard. I have said many times I need a translator because I try to express my feelings and I just get dismissed or misinterpreted. This book clearly stares what happens and what the betrayed spouse feels and needs in a concise manner without all the emotions that get in the way when we try to express them to our unfaithful spouse. HIGHLY recommended great read, for both parties in a marriage dealing with infidelity.

This book is an excellent resource for both the betrayer and the betrayed. The betrayer, coming out of their post-affair "romance" and "fantasy world, needs a bit of shock treatment to realize just what a mess they've created. They've destroyed lives and families by their selfish and inappropriate actions. Some betrayers may take exception to the content of the book, they're the ones who stubbornly and selfishly don't want to own up to their actions; completely. For those truly repentant spouse's that realize the mess that they've made - and own it, for them this book is an incredibly useful tool. Both my wife and I have read it several times to help us through the mess that she created. It's helping, and that's good, because I want to stay married and have our marriage be better than ever. Best thing about the book is it doesn't place the betrayed/victim at fault in any way for the actions of the other/betrayer.

This book lays out in clear language what it takes to promote healing in a hurting relationship. It is straightforward and direct, which is exactly what I needed. Take this and use it as a guide for restoration.

I was the unfaithful spouse. This book has really helped me to help my wife with the healing process. We are still in the early stages but working through it. The guidance on how to behave and what she needs is invaluable. If you are the betrayer and looking for a way to try and restore your relationship with your spouse I highly recommend this book!

I found this book to right on the money, describing how I felt upon learning of my husband's affairs and how to deal with the seemingly unending pain. I asked my husband to read it and he did. For the firs time in two years of counselling I think he is beginning to really "get it."

Linda J. MacDonald has furnished us with a stellar tool to help spouses heal from extra marital betrayals. This manual can be described as wise, insightful, caring, challenging, practical, readable, hopeful, clinically sophisticated, spiritually mature, and personally astute. Its pages reflect her profound awareness and passion for healing. A number of clients and friends have used this book as a central resource in their discernment and recovery process. I wholeheartedly recommend Linda's "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair: Compact Manual for the Unfaithful" and await further publications from this fine therapist.

I never knew there could have been a different perspective on healing after an affair, but this book touches on how the one who was being cheated on can help the one who cheated. Very unique, fresh and detailed. You will get a lot from this book and it will help to lead you back to the trust and forgiveness.

This book was recommended to me/us by someone in an online community. In my distress of finding out about my wife's 2yr affair, I bought it for her without looking closely at it. We got the book and the inside cover mentions that the book was from a Christian point of view. This caused both of us to toss the book aside. The blurb should have mentioned this. If this is your thing, that's fine. It is NOT ours. There should have been a WARNING in the write-up.

This book is great for both partners. It relays information that is so valuable to the betrayed as well as the betrayer. My recommendation is that the book should be the first one read after learning of the affair AND the sooner the better. The description of how devastated one feels after realizing the partner has had an affair is RIGHT ON. I would also recommend this book because it can be read in a few hours. It is one of those books that you will find yourself reading again and again for comfort and answers as to what both partners should expect and steps to be taken for healing to begin.

This is an invaluable resource for counselors and clients alike. The practical nature of the author's steps to be taken and the honesty with which it is presented are exactly what most couples seeking counseling are looking for. In my experience, the entire issue of recovering from an affair is so befuddling, confusing,painful and guilt producing for the infidel and the faithful spouse alike, that they are often buried in their grief. This book helps them part the fog and see that there is hope for healing.. Thankyou Linda!

Every Man,

Needs to read this book, It's basic but easy to read.

1st the man that Betrays his wife needs to read this book to prepare you for war and the battles that will come to save your marriage. Reading this book prepares you how to be a healer in the process and gives you the details on the emotions, time and hurt that has been caused by the betrayal.

2nd every man who is even contemplating betraying his wife or girlfriend needs to read the book. This book describes the sheer HELL and PAIN that is inflicted on a woman that a MAN does not comprehend or consider prior to an affair.

Live through the PAIN you will understand it takes up to a year for pain and crying to go away. Then there is still work to be done to HEAL.

Game changing book to save my 24yr marriage

This thin volume captures the essential recommendations of the author, and they are indeed an excellent course of action for readers wanting guidance in this delicate matter.
Unfortunately the author is handicapped by a very poor style of writing, that labors from poor English composition, withering repetition, and a moralistic point of view. I found it difficult to read cover to cover because it required me to slog thru awkward writing that hindered my appreciation of the content

This is an excellent resource for both partners in a relationship where one of the partners has been unfaithful. I have had the privilege of using a shorter version of Ms. MacDonald's book with a wide spectrum of clients for many years and, unfailingly, they have said that it has been a helpful tool for them in determining their "next steps" in their relationship. Ms. MacDonald provides practical information to the unfaithful partner. The same information is also invaluable to the faithful partner in his/her own process of healing and of knowing what to look for in their partner to determine if real progress is occurring. The fact that this is a relatively short book is a real PLUS as it makes it much more accessible for those who are already feeling burdened by their circumstances and not necessarily feeling up to reading a long book to see them through. I have read many books on dealing with the aftermath of an affair(s) and none is as succinct, practical and accessible as Ms. MacDonald's How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair.
Sandy, Social Worker/Counselor

I bought my cheating husband this book. Cheaters aren't interested in helping their spouse recover. Cheaters blame shift, gaslight, and give themselves entitlements that they don't give others. Until the cheater, fixes himself there is not point in helping the souse heal. This is another bogus book to promote counseling. Those who are married to cheaters, instead should read "Chump Lady: Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life."

How to Help Your Spouse Recover From Your Affair offers practical advice for those who have had an extramarital affair. It attempts to help them a) "get" the wrongness of their behavior and the depth of the pain they inflicted on their spouse, b) "own up" and take full responsibility for the damage they caused to their partner and family through the affair - above all through their lies, betrayal and rationalizations and c) move from a self-centered focus (it's all about my needs - pre-disclosure) to an spouse-centered focus (how can I understand their pain and support them in their sorrow - post-affair?). The author is absolutely correct to point out that deception may be the most damaging aspect of infidelity. How can you trust anyone again who has looked into your eyes and lied to you? That is why the revelation of infidelity is often accompanied by a sense of shock, disbelief, anger and a loss of trust. It calls into question the very foundations of the marital relationship, particularly since relationships are contingent on honesty. MacDonald does a good job giving voice to the feelings of the betrayed spouse, validating them and putting them into context so an offending spouse can fully understand the damage they have caused. Betrayed spouses will rightfully feel "heard" by the author and offending spouses will do well to heed at least some of the advice MacDonald is outlining in her book.

MacDonald is indeed justified in being critical of people counseling the betrayed partner to quickly forgive, reunite and move on. This only adds insult to injury. Unless the offending spouse fully takes responsibility for their wrongful action (offering heartfelt apologies), becomes completely honest (willing to share as much detail about the events surrounding the affair as the betrayed spouse wishes to know, since they have the right to know the "nitty-gritty" of the affair), and learns to show sincere empathy (seeking to understand their partner's pain which can amount to a full-blown trauma), successful recovery will not happen, she asserts. This is based on her 20+ years as a couple's therapist specializing in infidelity counseling. In fact, by not following her advice and being defensive, dismissive or desirous of moving on too quickly without owning up and taking the betrayed spouse's hurt feelings seriously enough, the offending spouse will only prolong the agony their partner is feeling, further damage their loved one, and thus undermine the possibility of rebuilding trust and eventual healing of their marriage.

MacDonald moreover does a thorough job reminding the offending spouse of their need to be patient (full recovery may take 2-3 years), resilient (in light of the turmoil of emotions experienced by the betrayed spouse), realistic (broken trust is not easily regained) and respectful (giving power to choose next steps to the offended spouse whose marital rights have been violated). By avoiding defensiveness, an unnecessary desire to explain the affair, and retaliatory actions, and instead focusing on personal growth in addition to loving, understanding, accompanying and reaffirming the betrayed spouse who is still processing their trauma and loss of innocence - the marriage may be saved and become stronger for it.

At below 100 pages, this is a practical `how to' manual for offending spouses and a 'breath of fresh air' for betrayed spouses who will find an ally in MacDonald. Many of the 15 steps towards recovery, outlined by MacDonald, are insightful, practical and clear and can be of real help to the offending spouse desirous of restoring their marriage. As such, the book can serve as an important first step after an affair that - if closely followed by offending spouses - can bring healing quicker to a marriage. This is the case precisely because the feelings of the offended spouse are taken seriously and because the offending spouse (or rebuilder in Mac Donald's lingo) intentionally owns their responsibility, poor judgment and shows the necessary willingness to redress their wrongdoing. No obtrusive psycho-lingo in this book. She calls a spade a spade! Even her advice to be completely honest (advocating for full disclosure, including the specifics of the affair, if the spouse so wishes) has serious allies in the world of infidelity counseling (i.e. Shirley Glass, Not "Just Friends"). Though it also has some very serious contenders who would strongly advise against sharing too many specifics (i.e. Dr. Patrick Carnes - a foremost expert on sexual addiction recovery).

Notwithstanding, despite the many positives of the book, MacDonald's approach to infidelity counseling, as she outlines them in this book, unfortunately has also some serious shortcomings. These shortcomings are based on some of her questionable premises:

One, MacDonald's "first aid" approach is tough on offending spouses and clearly sides with the offended spouse, whom she sees as victims of the destructive actions of their partner. On first sight, there is nothing inherently wrong with this approach, since she is entirely correct to point to the harm done by the cheating and the character-defects of the offending partner exposed through it. MacDonald accurately asserts that betrayers had healthier options to deal with their marital dissatisfactions than having an affair and thus, won't allow for such faults to be used as excuses for the betrayer to have gone outside the bounds of marriage. Where her approach, as outlined in this book, falls short, is that she dedicates only a scant two pages out of almost 100 to point to possible dysfunctions in the marriage that may have aided in the development of the affair. Since this book is geared towards offending spouses and meant to be a compact manual (hence the title of the book), Mac Donald may feel it is appropriate not to dwell or even point to such concerns.

By doing so, however, she opens herself to the valid critique that hers is a rather one-sided and individualistic view of infidelity. Affairs, in this view, "are seen as primarily individual, sinful and immoral acts of betrayal and therefore are likely to irreversibly damage marriages unless the betrayer fully confesses, repents and atones", says Dr. Ofer Zur, another recognized authority on infidelity counseling. He goes on to say that authors and therapists who take this individualistic position (based on her book, it seems, MacDonald can be included among them), "generally view the betrayed partner as an innocent victim and put almost exclusive emphasis on the spiritual, emotional and relational rehabilitation of the betrayer."

Research firmly points in a different direction. Namely, that cheating is a symptom of much larger marital problems. Widely renowned marriage expert, John Gottman, for example attests that "problems in the marriage that send the couple on a trajectory to divorce also send one (or both) of them looking for intimate connection outside the marriage. Most marital therapists who write about extramarital affairs find that these trysts are usually not about sex but about seeking friendship, support, understanding, respect, attention, caring, and concern - the kind of things that marriage is supposed to offer." Citing a reliable study done by the Divorce Mediation Project, 80 percent of divorced men and women said their marriage broke up because they gradually grew apart and lost a sense of closeness, or because they did not feel loved and appreciated. Only 20 to 27 percent of couples said an extramarital affair was even partially to blame. In fact, Fisher et al (2009) reported in their sample of over 2500 men that relationship problems typically pre-date the infidelity. Glass (2003), while asserting that a significant percentage of cheating men seemed happily married (i.e. 56%), still accounted that 66% of women who engaged in an affair were unhappily married.

It seems then, that a better and more widely respected approach to infidelity counseling is a family systems approach. "Infidelity, in this view, is seen as a `family affair' that must be understood and treated within the marital system rather than from an exclusively individual perspective. Therapists who take this position use marital therapy and Family Systems Theories to understand the relational dynamics that led to the affair. They shy away from one-sided blame and focus on issues of intimacy, communication, expectations, agreements and conflict management in the marriage. This doesn't mean they exonerate the betrayer. No! They indeed view the infidelity crisis as an opportunity for individual growth for the betrayer (including their emotional deficit, unhealthy coping mechanisms, conflict resolution patterns, addiction, character flaws or phase of life issue). Something Mac Donald does very well. But in contrast to her, they don't solely focus on the betrayer's issues, by dwelling there. The systems view takes into consideration that the affair may serve the betrayed spouse too, as s/he opens up to his/her own growth opportunities that may have aided in the creation of an environment that eventually led to the affair. This is never intended to blame the betrayed spouse for the affair, since the decision to act out rests squarely on the offending partner! Nonetheless, it sees the infidelity crisis as a possible chance for redressing marital dysfunctions that made the marriage vulnerable to an affair, with the goal of strengthening and solidifying the marriage.

While the systems view has its own shortcomings - some affairs truly are the result of a philandering, self-absorbed betrayer willingly hurting their victimized, innocent spouse, and therefore should not be addressed from an exclusively family systems point of view - not all affairs are like that. In fact, research unmistakably indicates that the majority aren't. Which precisely gets us to the second - if not more serious - critique of MacDonald's therapeutic premise:

For MacDonald, all affairs seem to be the same. At least her book and its definitions make it seem that she thinks that way. Unfortunately, this one-size-fits-all approach neglects to take into account that "affairs come in different formats. Not all affairs are the same: they serve different purposes, are carried on by different types of people, fueled by a variety of motivations and having different impacts. One of the most apparent weaknesses in infidelity research, scholarly writing and popular "self-help" books is the lack of differentiation between types of affairs. MacDonald is among those perpetuating this flaw. This often leads to inaccurate, misleading and unhelpful generalizations regarding the nature, implications and what constitutes effective intervention with affairs. Understanding the individual, biographical, familial, marital and cultural-anthropological etiology of affairs, however, is crucial to planning effective intervention." A "conflict-avoidance affair" should be treated differently than a "sexual-addiction affair" or a "bad marriage affair". This doesn't mean that MacDonald's advice to offending spouses, as she outlines in her 15-step guide book, should be dismissed. In light of the damage they caused to themselves and their families, she correctly asserts that all unfaithful spouses must take full responsibility for their wrongful actions, repent, atone and seek to offer heartfelt apologies for not choosing a wiser and less damaging way to address the marital impasse. In some types of affairs, this alone may be sufficient to restore the marriage. In other affairs, however, for example affairs that result from the so-called "faithful" spouse being emotionally, physically or intimately absent, leading to ongoing abandonment and neglect of their partner (this despite recurrent appeals by the "unfaithful" spouse previous to the affair to seek help to redress the matter), MacDonald's approach, by being so rigidly unbalanced, will prove counter-productive. Affairs that happen as a way to escape from emotional or physical abuse by the so-called "faithful" or "hurt" spouse, will benefit even less from MacDonald's approach. This is not to say that the abandonment, neglect or abuse by the so-called "faithful" partner justifies the affair. It never does! Even in those cases, the offending spouse must take full responsibility for their actions.

It follows, if MacDonald were to provide even a short mention for the need to differentiate different kinds of affairs and approaches needed to deal with them (without ever needing to give up the practical and good advice she offers in this book and without needing to become a book surpassing 110-120 pages) her approach would escape the charge of being one-sided and out-of-touch with important infidelity research. However, by using a victim/victimizer framework for ALL affairs, her approach may actually be more harming than helping for some couples in crisis as it often focuses on one-sided blame to the exclusion of the possible marital roots of the affair. For example, this reviewer has personally counseled offending spouses suffering from Domestic Violence or ongoing unrepentant emotional and/or sexual neglect that went on for years by their spouses. While their affair was not right under any circumstances, using Mac Donald's victim/victimizer model exclusively without regard for the wider issues in the marriage (even with a "first aid" approach in mind) would add insult to injury. Paradoxically, as infidelity expert Peggy Vaughan points out, in many types of affairs a hurt spouse recovers from the pain more readily to the extent that s/he is able to see his/her own part in the marriage difficulties that may have made the relationship vulnerable. It's paradoxical, but the more someone feels that they had a role in the development of the affair (instead of viewing themselves as powerless victim), the more empowered that person will feel to make changes that will strengthen the marriage in the future.

Marriages that are willing and able to face, own and then work through possible underlying issues (both personal and marital), have the most chance for happiness after infidelity. For the marriage to be restored, hurt feelings on both sides of the equation need to be validated by either partner as well as the therapist, though MacDonald is correct that in the immediate aftermath of the disclosure the pain of the offended spouse must be front and center and be fully "heard" by the offending spouse in order to move forward. Nonetheless, therapists and marriages that solely lay blame for the affair on the offending partner may be less able to get at the root causes that need to be addressed in order for the marriage to fully recover. For some types of affairs, MacDonald's rather one-sided approach may certainly be valid. Particularly for those offending spouses, not willing to take full responsibility and understand the damage they caused. But her simplistic approach as it stands is not valid for all marriages recovering from affairs as she claims! Even Dave Carder, another Christian therapist, takes a more nuanced approach to infidelity. For him, infidelity is not just indicative of a troubled individual, but rather indicative of a troubled marriage relationship involving both partners. He writes in "Torn Asunder - Recovering from an Extramarital Affair": "The goal for both to figure out is: what emotional and physical nurturance did the infidel receive from the affair that was unavailable in the marriage?" Once again, this is not to minimize the justified pain and anger involved in these traumatic situations for the faithful spouse. As Carder himself points out: "The only lasting remedy is for the infidel to feel the agony he has caused the spouse." However, if some of the root causes that contributed to the affair are not addressed - at least in a number of the affair types - full and healthy recovery will never happen.

In summary, How to Help Your Spouse Recover From Your Affair offers valuable and insightful counsel to a range of offending spouses to help their spouses recover from their affair. It is a good `first step', particularly if you're still not "getting" how your actions have been harmful to yourself, your spouse and your family. As the betrayed spouse, you will find validation for your sense of betrayal, loss of dreams, undermining of trust and the corresponding turmoil of feelings the affair has caused. The book also outlines well what you are "entitled" to expect from your offending spouse. Nonetheless, if you put MacDonald's program into practice (which can reap good first benefits for your marriage and reduce the time for recovery), a 'second step' must follow suit (after most types of affairs) that takes a more holistic inventory of your marriage and suggests a more comprehensive recovery plan. This second step is important if you want to fully restore your marriage. A step that MacDonald unfortunately fails to acknowledge directly. Even a few pages pointing in that direction would have allowed MacDonald's book to be seen as more balanced, more true to the etiology and reality of affairs, more in touch with a systems approach to marital counseling, and therefore more helpful also to offending spouses seeking advice but still living in an emotionally and/or sexually neglectful or even abusive relationship.

I was recommended to read this book by a counselor. I found this to be a terrible book. Unless you are a person of faith, this book has an overly religious tone that I found rather inappropriate. This is not a book I would have picked out to read myself. I also found that the approach that the book gave to give one spouse such draconian rule over the other to be highly inappropriate. The book doesn't really seem to broach even trying to address the underlying issues that may have caused the infidelity. The book should be more aptly named A Manual for How to be Punished by Your Spouse. I have read several other books that are infinitely more helpful and offer actual advice on how to repair your marriage.

All common sense, like an answer from "Yahoo answers" or some community forum.

There was nothing in here worth any of my dollars. It felt like a book report on what is likely a library of good books on the subject.

Despite this, I and my Wife are still married and may even be happy again one day!

I agree that this book has religious tones. I'm a Christian myself. I don't have a High Horse Holier than Thou attitude like the author does because that's annoying. The main advice this book gives is let the betrayed spouse yell at you and be angry at you until the day you die. Ok, but when is enough is enough? Is that spouse going to be yelled at, named called and fight and argue every time the hurt spouse drags it out of the mud when things were going well until death does them part? The hurt spouse bringing it up constantly doesn't help the healing. The saying once a cheater always a cheater is B.S. I know people who didn't cheat in all their relationships. The author seems to concentrate on cheating in a marriage with a husband and wife. There are gay marriages now. Cheating does happen with unmarried couples or before marriage. I also want to point out that those who have cheated aren't hateful, awful, heartless, bad people. Everyone makes mistakes. It's what humans do. I think the author needs to get off her High Horse Hoity Toity stick up her arse and admit she'd made mistakes. This book is one of them.

The book is a marketing tool that invites you to see a counsel for a fee. Useless information with no scientific/statistical aproach except opinion of the author that is based on her point of view as well as her values. The literaure review and references consist of "workshop statements". Very unprofessional and low-educated promotion of counseling services printed on May 23 of 2011.
This is the second book published since her graduation (1987), [...]
Very disappointing advertising attempt - just google it.