An Ex-FBI Agent's Guide to Influencing - and Winning People Over

This book is wonderfully written in a very conversational tone which makes it easy to read. I think perhaps just because we are human beings that we may have basic concept of some of what is written about in the book, BUT when it is spelled out in detail the light bulb goes on! I wish I had the information in this book on a couple of meetings/interviews I've had. It would have been interesting, at least for me! You will be able to utilize the information in all areas of your life from co-workers, personal relationships, interviews and casual meetings. And I believe that you will at some point re-read the book to reinforce what you have learned and to gain new understanding.

An interesting read from an FBI profiler on certain principles of engagement. The book covers the role of proximity, frequency, duration and intensity toward developing friendships/relationships. It also touches on several body language lessons along with psychological behavior principles such as law of reciprocity, golden rule of friendship (we like those who make us feel good about ourselves), creating curiosity hooks, friend (smile, tilted head, eye brow flash, open stance, lean in, whispering) versus foe (crossed arms, barriers, scowl, etc) signals, mirroring. The book then illustrates the applicability of these principles in personal as well as in business life.

Some examples seem a bit contrived and make one wonder if the author is overselling the material. For instance, how a salesman would divulge exact details of commission and discounts just through the use of a seemingly innocuous presumptuous statement. I think people are much more smarter and even cunning to be indulged this easily.

I found the material interesting. It makes people-watching more fun.

It puts into words that most people can under stand of how the average human mind works in dealing with others. It covers friends, family, enemies, and all in between. All without getting into deep deep deep details of why. Although it help you to not be surprised, when a person reacts a certain way to something you say or do.

This book ended up being more enjoyable and interesting than I initially expected. When I first considered reading it I thought... "Hmmm...non-fiction. Well this will take me awhile." I ended up reading the entire book in a few weeks, which never happens with non-fiction books. But the subject interested me, so I tried it out. I am glad I did because it gave me some insight and made me more aware of non-verbal cues that I may be giving people when I am listening to them. I learned a lot of this body language info in counseling classes back in the 80s, but it was a nice refresher. It would be a great resource for people who have difficulty reading non-verbal cues, like someone with Asperger's Disorder.

The way the book is described it gives the impression that it's more of a how to book in order to get what you want from people, but it's really more of a, "Why won't this person talk to me?" Or, "Why do I have trouble making and/or keeping friends?" type of book. Yes, there are some parts that go into interviewing techniques, but anyone who has done an investigation or conducted hiring interviews might find these portions helpful as well. There are also many techniques shown that you can use to talk with someone about a controversial subject and still get heard.

I loved how the authors included pictures to explain some things like body language and what to look for. There are suggestions on what do do when dealing with anger and how to assess where to go in a heated conversation. There are even some sections that talk about verbal communication and non-verbal communication between couples, and about how to get your spouse to talk to you about a difficult subject so it's a win-win situation. There are references and resources at the end of the book so you can delve further into this subject matter if you want to. Overall, I found it to be a very helpful book.

I was very disappointed with this book and I didn't want to be. I could write a 1,000 word review, but let me sum it up by basically just saying this. This book will not improve your conversation skills that much. It is a great body language book(of which there are thousands) on how to stand with people, how to keep people interested in what your saying ,but it lacks any real guidelines on COMMUNICATION. From a book called the "Like Switch"(I'm guessing his produces and publishers had to come up with a fancy title and name to sell copies..and I fell for it) I was expecting it to be that, how to get someone to like you, or build rapport. With his background as an FBI agent sort of guiding us along the path. Instead what you get is a glorified body language book with about 5% of actual communication stuff thrown in there just to tease you enough to read the next chapter, where it then continues to go over even more facial expressions, body language postures, and stances. All stuff that is relatively useless when you are talking, because you need to be thinking about what the person is saying and using active listening, not reading their facial expression like a bad crime TV show where the lines are already pre-written. Instead of this book, my recommendation would be to buy Dale Carnegie's "How to Win Friends and Influence People" that book is far better, and far more useful than this book will ever be. I only gave this book 2 stars instead of 1, because there were some decent cliff notes in the book, but NOTHING worth 20 dollars when Dale Carnegie's book is like 5-7 dollars.

I try to be positive and say something Constructive, but for me this book didn’t really offer to many tidbits that I hadn’t already read or heard elsewhere. For some others who haven’t listened to speakers or read other help insight books, this might prove useful.

This is a very informative book that started out very good. The author talks about his techniques to get suspects to warm up to him using a very scientific, deliberate, and calculated method. He then breaks his method down into its subparts... and that's where it kind of goes off track. He gradually forgets to loop back to his original intent and just goes deeper into a lot of pop psychology like reading body movements to tell if a girl is interested in you. This is information that is already out there and has been trodden over so much it looks like an old, muddy road. If he had stayed with the original technique I would definitely have given it 5 stars, that part was every interesting.

There is something seriously wrong with this book. The whole topic of this book is basically become a people pleaser. That whole concept is wrong. You won't win people over just by simply listening to them. You won't win other people by putting other peoples desire before you. Sure that may help when you're trying to get first class business seats but that is about it. I get the whole empathy part where if you relate to someone you will win them over but there is a point where this is just a book that teaches you how to manipulate people really, that's what it comes down to from what I read, instead of just being straight forward and direct. But then again this is about deceiving people so if you're into that go ahead but eventually smart people will see through that. And not only that if you are looking to get people to like you then that in itself is a problem.

The main problem is see is that if there is a bully at your school, or at your workplace then this will help you become a victim instead of a way to empower yourself. Simply put this won't work on a bully, an agressor, or a covert agressor. It won't get a bully to like you. You have to stand up to a bully.

Don't get me wrong. The whole proximity, duration parts are interesting and it may work on some people. But remember this is manipulation at it's finest. If you're looking for real relationships then I don't recommend this book.

At first I was skeptical about some of the techniques listed in the "The Like Switch" (I mean come on, how effective can tilting my head while speaking to someone really be?), but after actually trying some of these techniques out, I couldn't believe the outcomes. People actually started to see me differently and, more importantly, were more susceptible to my requests. Great book, its application is limitless. Highly recommended.

Full of truisms overly explained. Nothing new or insightful. Topics presented with very little depth or substance. Ideas not coherently presented. A hodgepodge of generic relationship elements and tools superficially discussed. A collection of simple anecdotes and ideas. Good for adolescents or early young readers.

I try to be positive and say something Constructive, but for me this book didn’t really offer to many tidbits that I hadn’t already read or heard elsewhere. For some others who haven’t listened to speakers or read other help insight books, this might prove useful.

This is a very informative book that started out very good. The author talks about his techniques to get suspects to warm up to him using a very scientific, deliberate, and calculated method. He then breaks his method down into its subparts... and that's where it kind of goes off track. He gradually forgets to loop back to his original intent and just goes deeper into a lot of pop psychology like reading body movements to tell if a girl is interested in you. This is information that is already out there and has been trodden over so much it looks like an old, muddy road. If he had stayed with the original technique I would definitely have given it 5 stars, that part was every interesting.

There is something seriously wrong with this book. The whole topic of this book is basically become a people pleaser. That whole concept is wrong. You won't win people over just by simply listening to them. You won't win other people by putting other peoples desire before you. Sure that may help when you're trying to get first class business seats but that is about it. I get the whole empathy part where if you relate to someone you will win them over but there is a point where this is just a book that teaches you how to manipulate people really, that's what it comes down to from what I read, instead of just being straight forward and direct. But then again this is about deceiving people so if you're into that go ahead but eventually smart people will see through that. And not only that if you are looking to get people to like you then that in itself is a problem.

The main problem is see is that if there is a bully at your school, or at your workplace then this will help you become a victim instead of a way to empower yourself. Simply put this won't work on a bully, an agressor, or a covert agressor. It won't get a bully to like you. You have to stand up to a bully.

Don't get me wrong. The whole proximity, duration parts are interesting and it may work on some people. But remember this is manipulation at it's finest. If you're looking for real relationships then I don't recommend this book.

At first I was skeptical about some of the techniques listed in the "The Like Switch" (I mean come on, how effective can tilting my head while speaking to someone really be?), but after actually trying some of these techniques out, I couldn't believe the outcomes. People actually started to see me differently and, more importantly, were more susceptible to my requests. Great book, its application is limitless. Highly recommended.

Full of truisms overly explained. Nothing new or insightful. Topics presented with very little depth or substance. Ideas not coherently presented. A hodgepodge of generic relationship elements and tools superficially discussed. A collection of simple anecdotes and ideas. Good for adolescents or early young readers.

I am always intrigued by books with authors who have real world experience as experts in their field, and I found the subject matter intriguing, so I decided to give this book a try. I'm so glad that I did! The writing style is extremely easy to read and interesting, so I was able to get through it rather quickly. I also really enjoyed the use of pictures to accompany the points in the book. I felt that it helped to clarify some key points, and also left me with an image in my head to connect with the idea, making it easier to remember.

The author gives many useful suggestions for interpersonal scenarios that we all face--speaking to a spouse, making friends, giving a good first impression, etc. I also appreciated the resources listed at the back of the book.

Overall, many helpful tips that I will remember and use in the future.

Written by a former FBI behavior analyst, this book presents tips on how to build rapport -- be it with a co-worker, a love interest, or the subject of an interrogation. There’s not a lot of material in this book that’s surprising or unexpected, but the stories of counter-intelligence operations and criminal investigations make for greater intrigue than the typical book of this nature. (Though the most common type of story in it may be the tale of “how I got a free upgrade from an airline employee,” and that’s probably not that different from what one would read in a similar book by a corporate trainer with a more mundane resume.)

One aspect of this book that did seem unique was how much discussion is given to laying the groundwork of a friendship. Schafer emphasizes the need for patience, and he uses an example of cultivating a spy that involved a Special Agent placing himself in proximity to a target day after day before he ever exchanged so much as eye contact, let alone speaking. Interestingly, the epilogue shares a similar story from a historical memoir that shows both how effective these tactics are and how long they’ve been around. I wouldn’t be surprised if a civilian expert on these issues would say, “that’s fine if you need an ultra-light hand to cultivate a spy, but the same tactics may be a little too glacial for finding a mate or building a customer base. Personally, I don’t know how well Schafer’s approach translates to the work-a-day world, but I can imagine that if one parked oneself along a potential love interest’s route for week after week they might form the opinion one is either spineless or a stalker long before one got a chance to share eye contact.

The book consists of eight chapters, plus some front and back matter. The first chapter, entitled “The Friendship Formula,” sets out some banal concepts about the need to put oneself in proximity with one’s “target,” and then to build the frequency, duration, and intensity of said proximity events. However, it goes on to introduce some of the fundamentals that are elaborated upon later.

Chapter two focuses on pre-conversational activities. This largely involves non-verbal facial expressions and body language, but it also gets into issues such as appearance. Chapter three is about a central concept that Schafer calls “the golden rule of friendship,” which is basically the idea that people like individuals who make them feel good about themselves. Of course, people may distrust flatterers, and so the direct approach may not always be the best approach. The chapter therefore addresses pitfalls as well as sound tactics.

Chapter four is about what the author calls “the laws of attraction,” which are a series of ideas used to get the subject to look at one in a favorable light while avoiding the pitfalls of being too ham-handed. These are just ways to seem more appealing, often by capitalizing on (or making clear) existing causes for the individual to like one. But sometimes they involve deck-stacking activities such as in the case of “the law of misattribution.” In misattribution one shows up when an individual has been exercising so that maybe he or she will mistake the exercise-induced endorphin high for positive feelings towards one. There is a mix of ethical and exploitative approaches, and some ideas that might be of benefit for gaining a temporary upper-hand with someone one doesn’t have any long-term concern about might not be wise to employ with someone with which one might want a long-term relationship.

Chapter five is where one gets around to talking to the target of one’s desired rapport. As with the preceding chapters, this is as much about what not to say as it is what to say, but the single biggest point is to do more listening than talking. That is, give the target plenty of opportunity to talk about his- or herself and be cognizant of what they are saying, rather than preparing one’s own words. This is easier said than done given all that one must keep in mind, and the non-verbal cues one is watching for, etc.

Chapter six returns to non-verbal communication territory, and emphasizes testing one’s efforts to build rapport while simultaneously noticing the signs of whether it’s going well or not. This allows one to adjust one’s strategy (or to know it’s time to give up.)

Chapters seven and eight include material that one won’t necessarily see in competing books. Chapter seven is about maintaining the relationship that one has established. A lot of this chapter is about conversational strategies for defusing tense situations, lessening the friction in the relationship, and getting what one wants without building animosity. The last chapter takes one into really different territory by discussing on-line relationships and the building thereof. In large part, this chapter is a cautionary tale of the risks of entering a relationship given the lack of all the non-verbal cues. There are several cases of how individuals managed to portray themselves as something they weren’t.

I found this book interesting and beneficial. Its strengths include a tight focus; it doesn’t blast one with information by fire-hose, but rather offers a few simple ideas to focus on and hammers them home. The organization was logical, basically building up over the course of a relationship / interaction from being in proximity to making eye contact to conversing to weathering an argument. I also found that the book used photographs effectively. Non-verbal communication is much more effectively and efficiently communicated by photograph, and the author used many color photographs for this purpose. There was even a series of plates that acted as a quiz, asking the reader to put the knowledge she’d acquired to use, with an Appendix serving as the quiz key.

I should mention that some jerk tactics are scattered throughout the book – by that I mean approaches designed to dupe and / or manipulate the target. These may be fair game for interrogating criminal suspects or terrorists but some could backfire upon one when put to use in a relationship that demands more trust. Usually, the author isolates himself from these tactics by telling us it was something his student or a suspect once mentioned. For example, he describes pickup artists going to an ATM kiosk, plucking up receipts showing large balances, and then using said receipts when it came time to give a girl his number as a means to subtly plant the lie that he was wealthy. Mostly, the book seemed to separate itself from the many “how to be a successful creep” books that are out there, as is noted by the chapter on fostering long-term relationships.

I’d recommend this book for anyone interested in the dynamics of building relationships.

Everyone wants to be liked. What’s the best way to make that happen? Jack Schafer, a former FBI Special Agent tells us, in great detail, how to do it in his latest book, The Like Switch. Not only does he tell us how to do it, he also tells us what to do to make it work and why it works. The “why it works” is just as important as “how to do it”; otherwise one is just going through the motions with no understanding of what is actually occurring.
Over the years that he worked conducting investigations of crimes and as a behavior analyst in support of national-level counterintelligence operations, Dr. Schafer watched people and how they reacted – to other people and in various situations. He also conducted extensive research into how people attempt to deceive others, both verbally and non-verbally. One basic truth he learned is that people will not tell you their secrets unless they trust you and they won’t trust you unless they know you and like you.
The process of liking begins with the first contact. As the old saying goes, “You only get one shot at making a good first impression.” First impressions are very strong and thus difficult to overcome if negative. If you make a good one, the other person is likely to respond in a similar manner. Dr. Schafer gives you the tools to make that good first impression and then adds tools to solidify the impression. All of this can be done before either person says a word. This involves three simple tools: a smile, an eyebrow flash, and a slightly cocked head which exposes the carotid artery. From there, The Like Switch continues to instruct you how to improve your Likeability Quotient.
The techniques Dr. Schafer teaches in The Like Switch apply to many areas of human contact, from existing relationships to making new ones, from job interviews to earning higher tips, from getting better service to overcoming anger in the other person. In this age when relationships begin with an electronic meeting rather than one in person, there is a higher possibility of being deceived by that new “friend” you meet on the internet. The Like Switch provides suggestions for online dating (“be honest in your online profile”, “meet your potential suitor in person as soon as possible”) and discusses ways to spot deception.
There are many innovations in this book. Probably the two most important are using what Dr. Schafer calls the “Golden Rule of Friendship” and “The Friendship Formula.” The Golden Rule recommends the use of simple techniques such as calling people by name, looking for common ground, and making empathic statements that focus on that other person. The discussion of the Formula breaks out the basic elements of the Formula (proximity, frequency, duration, and intensity) and explains how their interplay contributes to the success of a friendship. The key, Dr. Schafer explains, is all about making people feel good about themselves. If they understand that you are the source of this, they will feel good about you and like you.
This book is the next logical step in Dr. Schafer’s progress from teaching readers how to detect deception through language to teaching how to positively influence others to like them and, ultimately, to trust them. This book builds on techniques previously written about by Dr. Schafer in his earlier books yet stands alone, without any need to read his previous books to master the techniques in this one.
Dr. Schafer’s writing is straight-forward and explanatory. The Like Switch is written in an easy-to-understand style. The many photographs (which, by the way, include his daughter as one of the models) supplement the text appropriately and give the reader a clear example of the subjects discussed. These photographs are also the basis of a quiz near the end of the book which tests the reader’s grasp of the techniques and details while reinforcing the points made in the main body of the book. The answers to the quiz are provided in one of the appendices.
One of the most interesting aspects of the book is contained in another appendix. It is a selection from a book written more than 100 years ago that clearly demonstrates how the techniques Dr. Schafer teaches in The Like Switch worked in the real world to great effect to prevent a major royal scandal. This example discusses the results of behavior analysis by an agent of a foreign government to obtain damaging information from an English lady by use of the Friendship Formula that forms, in part, the foundation of The Like Switch. Dr. Schafer compares the techniques used 100 years ago to a more recent FBI case to produce a similar result in order to prove his point.
I recommend The Like Switch highly to a broad spectrum of readers. The techniques Dr. Schafer teaches in this book are easy to implement and will pay big dividends in a wide variety of situations from job seeking to getting along with co-workers to those seeking a basic friendship or a deeper personal relationship. Whatever books you plan to buy this year, put The Like Switch on top of the list.

I want my money back!! Extremely poorly written and organized. Did anyone at the publishing house actually edit this mess? Unintentionally funny. The like switch is when you make someone feel good about themselves, like when the FBI sends out agents to interrogate you. Lol. If you go ahead and buy it, don't say I didn't warn you.

Excellent book. I finished reading it in one day because I couldn't put it down. This is a must read for everyone. There are no boundaries of who should read it. Tips for young and old, every profession, every situation. You already know this stuff, but you just don't realize it. Read it.

This book is written by a former CIA special agent specializing in human interaction. He goes through the nonverbal and verbal clues humans use to turn on the Like switch--get people to like them. I listened to the audio version and really liked it. The research and data was fascinating. The author gives lots of proven points to use to get people to like you…even enemies. Loved it.

This book is not 100% friend-proof on body language, but it gets the job done on everything else. I've bought and read all of Jack Schafer's books-- this and Psychological Narrative Analysis are my two favorites.

Real quick. Dr. Schafer explains 3 main (positive) basic non-verbal displays to use while making friends: the head-tilt, the smile, and the eyebrow flash (isopraxism is also listed). Dr. Schafer also explores into the area of, "attractiveness" and gives you certain, "laws" to follow if you want to appear attractive to people. For example, "A cut from the same cloth is listed," "Common ground," "temporal experience" and "the law of self-disclosure (to name a few)."

I wish I had this book while I was in college; It would helped me so much making friends. One of the quotes I like from this book, "People don't care how much you know until they first know how much you care." There are many wonderful (and cheezy) epigrams listed in this book. Some of them are so true, and it caused me to reflect on conversational starters I've had with friends.

----WHAT I DIDN'T LIKE ABOUT THIS BOOK----

Most of Jack Schafer's findings is copy-and-paste from his Psychology blog, and from his other books I've already read (Psychological Narrative Analysis, How to Catch a Liar, etc). It sickens me as a reader knowing I already know that stuff, but I guess I didn't mind that much.

------IMPORTANT------

One of the most important parts of this book is the beginning. Personally, I didn't really like it. But Jack Schafer has made a friendship formula (clever) to make friends:

Proximity + Frequency + Duration + Intensity = the key to making or observing friendship.

I don't want to spoil it, so you will have to read it to find out.

---AN INTERESTING FIND---

I never knew that women used atropine to dialate their eyes and seem more fair and attractive to men (a free-be)!

---ANOTHER GOOD BOOK FOR NON-VERBALS---

Try, "What everybody is Saying" by Joe Navarro. He also worked with the FBI and wrote another book with Jack Schafer on Interrogating.

---BIGGEST FEARS----

I am afraid that if I apply some of this stuff in my every day life, I might become, "deceptive" to others in getting them to like me, and people being aware of what I am doing (me getting caught though I appear to be innocent with a good intent). This harshly goes against the PNA book that Jack Schafer wrote on deception. <-- He, Jack Schafer calls this the spotlight effect.

---FINAL THOUGHTS---

Anyways, Good job Mr. Jack Schafer! I supported you all the way to the very end--errgh, well I really hope this isn't the end.

I have the audible version of this book and listen to it in heavy traffic everyday. I listened to the section about impressing airline gate agents to get upgrades two weeks ago, just before a flight to Europe. Tried out tilting the head, eyebrow lifting and the rapport building tecniques described in the book and was offered a free upgrade to business class on a 10 hour flight, without asking for it. I experiement with this book and see that it is very translatable to real life very often. Great work !!!

Using the techniques in this book with one call to my bank I successfully got over $200 in overdraft fees refunded. When they initially answered my call and I explained the situation they even said they couldn't do refunds over the phone! I believe just asking the first initial question "Hi, how's it going today?" to the person who answered played a major role in the process. The call ended with both of us laughing, even giggling with each other. Unbelievable...

The core of this book is about sending and receiving body language signals. For that, it is well done. There is also a lot of good common sense stuff that your mother told you, like "smile" when you meet someone and make good eye contact. I read this book because it was referenced in the Chris Voss book Never Split the Difference: Negotiating As If Your Life Depended On It. The one technique referenced was the ability to make empathic statements that start out with the phrase "So you..." Such as "So you like the way things are going today." Not a question, this is a statement. It is a good way to let the recipient know you've been listening which makes them feel good about themselves.

The laws of attraction described in chapter four are a good refresher to what I've learned in other books, like from Robert Caldini's book Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion, Revised Edition. They are very concise and adequately conveyed in the book.

The one question not covered is "how do you find out what people value?" This is an important question because people base their decisions (buying and selecting friends) on their core principles. This is the core of rapport building, which is why networking is such a long process. According to the author, all you have to go on is 1) what they say, 2) how they say it, and 3) what they do (pg 203). But the secret, which I cover in my own book Selling by Personality Type: The Values, Fears and Anger Triggers That Cause People To Buy is that people telegraph to others what they value long before you ever meet them. This gives you an edge because you know what to say to them before you even say hello. And it will make the information in "The Like Switch" book even more impactful.

This is a well-written book, packed with information. I will never regret having read it.

This book provides some really good advice on how to connect with people. I've met a few people that are good at using the techniques described in this book. I think anyone can learn a few things from this book.

Excellent book! I have read "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie and this book is much better in my opinion. This book goes into great detail of how to use your body language to present a friendlier appearance and many other subtle actions that you might not be aware of.