The Complete Guide to Restoring Trust in Your Relationship

Trust is the easiest emotion to hurt and the hardest to heal. Mira takes you through multiple situation that aren’t going to fix, but challenge you past and give you the tools to start rebuilding what was once there.

I am dealing with some serious betrayal and this book tells the stories of various couples dealing with different types of betrayals but some of the stories seem so silly and petty to me. I wish my betrayals were so simple. I'm still waiting to get to something useful in the book.

I started reading Ms. Kirshenbaum's books a year ago while going through a very difficult time in my life and marriage. I have learned a great deal from each and every one of them, and "I Love You But I Don't Trust You" was no exception. Mira has a way of "being there" for the reader like no other author. Her insights are practical, and easy to apply, if you want to do the work to improve your life and/or salvage a damaged relationship.
I can tell you from personal experience that the principles she lays out work. She takes the reader step-by-step on a journey to discover how and where the trust deteriorated, and then shows how to rebuild it better and stronger than ever. She tells it like it is, and if you want results, she's an able, caring teacher and guide who can help you get them. I wholeheartedly recommend "I Love You But I Don't Trust You" for anyone wanting to rebuild or strengthen trust in his or her number one relationship. It's definitely a winner in my opinion!

If you want a book that defends the cheater/betrayer and blames the one who was hurt, this is the book for you.

I wrote the following in response to one of the reviews here, but I'm reposting it here so everyone can read it.

I'm listening to the audiobook version of this, and repeatedly I'm hearing the author gloss over serious issues and deep pain, defending the cheater/betrayer, and playing up the "forgiving spouse" who comes to finally "see it another way" and just acts like oh well, everything's fine, la di da we'll just go on like it never happened.

I stopped listening at the part where she's talking about Rebecca and Daniel, the latter of whom is a musician who "got lonely" being at home and "missing Rebecca" and decided to start having sex with one of his guitar students. When Rebecca came home and caught him in bed with this woman, he thought she'd just get mad for a bit, yell a little, then "it would all blow over."

That wasn't the shocking part. What shocked me was what Ms. Kirshenbaum said about their situation when they came in for therapy: "Rebecca was a very busy lawyer who worked long hours. [justifying that Daniel was lonely and had a "right" to have an affair] ... Rebecca came home early from work one day because she wasn't feeling well and found Daniel in bed with this woman. [...] Daniel was very sorry, I discovered - heartbroken, actually. [more defense of the cheater]" She goes on to say how great their relationship had been, then says: "But, I pointed out, Daniel may have cheated, and that was horrible [<--said in a sappy, condescending tone] , but he wasn't the one throwing away their relationship. He'd made a gigantic mistake [MISTAKE????] but now he wanted to heal things. He wanted to fight for their marriage. Rebecca was the one who was talking about throwing it away."

I could not believe my ears when she said this. She's BLAMING Rebecca for "throwing away" the relationship, when all Rebecca was doing was working hard while her husband was home having an affair with a student! All because he was "lonely and missing Rebecca" (boo-hoo, waaa waa, poor Daniel, he deserves some soothing in the form of illicit sex with someone else, waaa waa).

Then it got even worse:
"[Rebecca] wasn't sure she could ever trust him again, and that's when a crazy idea came into her head. They each had one child from a previous marriage. Daniel had been adamant about not wanting any more kids, but Rebecca wanted another child, and time was running out. It occurred to her that if he would agree to have a child with her -- not because he wanted to, but because he knew that it was important to her -- that would make a huge difference." OH MY SOURCE WHAT THE HELL IS THIS WOMAN SAYING??? This marriage has already been broken by a betrayal through cheating and a complete breakdown of trust, and now the author just blithely relates that the wife wants to use a CHILD as a BARGAINING CHIP?? This was horrific to hear. While Ms. Kirshenbaum did ask Rebecca why she wanted to have a child that the father wouldn't love, Ms. Kirshenbaum quickly follows up by saying Rebecca said "he would be a good dad" and that this was what helped Rebecca "reconnect to her memory of Daniel the good guy, not Daniel the bad guy." As if that just makes it all better!!

Honestly, I feel rather ill hearing the defenses this author puts forth in favor of the cheater and all the blame she puts on the one who was cheated on/betrayed. It seems her overall message is: "Yes, this person cheated, and that's awful [<---insert sappy voice here], but hey, it was just a mistake and everyone makes mistakes so let's just forgive and forget and go on like happy little idiots as if nothing ever happened."

I'm returning this title to Audible immediately.

Every Man,

Game changing book to understand steps in the process of what a women will go through from Betrayal. BUT it is the first book that gave me a step by step process of what and how I can work on saving my marriage.

Great book

This book has a some good advice regarding restoring trust in a betrayal and a few other situations. If you are in a relationship that seems to have an element of mistrust on your part or your partner's part, I would recommend reading this book to see if you can get any useful words of wisdom. But, in my case, only some parts seemed relevant, and even those didn't give me any new or revolutionary advice.

Since this is a three-star review, I'll list a few pros and cons.

Pros:

The biggest by far is that my husband and I were able to have a couple of good discussions based on the book. I highlighted portions and wrote relevant notes on my kindle edition of the book, and it gave me good talking points for our discussion. It was written in a fair manner that allowed me to have a "cheat" and easily express things that I've been needing to say in a relatively nice way. She has multiple examples of "Say ______ in this situation." Those really helped me.

The writing style was easy to read, especially if you don't mind a few swear words. (And if you're going through a betrayal, you've probably used a few swear words yourself.)

Cons:

Our situation may be unique, but I kept feeling like the book didn't really apply to me. My husband is an addict and has a type of addiction that means that I'm being betrayed in big ways frequently. And because he's an addict, he tends to cope with life by doing things that betray me in small or medium-sized ways several times a week. This book seems to apply to one big betrayal (e.g., an affair) or maybe other smaller betrayals like someone who is unreliable or lies. But when your life is sort of centered around betrayals, this books doesn't quite feel relevant.

The author spends a lot of time having the betrayed figure out what contributed to the betrayal. On the one hand, I think it's a good exercise, and in normal cases, like an affair, that sounds good. But when you're a partner of an addict, it's important to realize that you don't really have any control over the addiction or your partner's compulsive behaviors. I can see why a few other people felt that she blamed the victim, but I think it's a good exercise to sit down and at least ask "why did I choose a partner who betrayed me?" even if you don't think you contributed to relationship dynamics that caused the betrayal.

Overall, I thought some stuff was helpful, but I didn't finish the book feeling that I could rebuild trust with my spouse because it didn't seem like our relationship fit well into the formulas or guidelines she gave.

Miras books have been a steady influence throughout my adult life, she is voice of commonsense and reason during some of life's most challenging times. "I love you but I don't trust you" is another great book. I have so needed to read this book. Thanks again Mira for sharing your wisdom :)

i like so many people decided to read the reviews to see if this audio book would help me like really help me..and i have the great pleasure of saying yes. i loved this book every chapter every phrase or step made me feel confident that I was making the choice i wanted to and that i wasn't wrong for my feelings but i could use the feeling for good instead of hurting myself and my betrayer. I am 23 years old so if i can find this book helpful anyone can in this day i could have used technology or anything to brush my problem away but this book helped me to face head on every issue and every goal i want with my betrayer. I made notes and i even marked some of the steps to go back to text my man and she was right the phrases do help. I continue to refrence and re-listen to this book over and over again. the one question i love that she continues to ask you is " if this cant happen then why bother? why are you here?" which for me helped me in so many ways to push through. i nodded so much in this read and i cant wait to listen to her other books. I URGE YOU TO LISTEN AND HAVE A PEN AND PAPER BY YOU AT ALL TIMES. 07/17/2017 (no one is gunna help your relationship but you so take that leap!)

This book helped me tremendously and for way less $ than another therapy session! I wish I had ignored some of the negative reviews and read this book months ago. Mira has a very direct, yet conversational writing style. She offers very specific analysis and advice which is perfect for a "get-to-the-point" personality like mine. I was feeling very emotionally stuck and this book was exactly what I needed to start making headway again.

I have read several books on betrayal and rebuilding trust. They helped me to understand the subject to some degree, but either something important was missing or the recommended ways to recover didn't feel like they'd work for me. This book makes more complete sense than anything I have read on the subject and offers the most sensible, practical, do-able ways to recover from it. It covers all of the things I have personally experienced, makes good sense of them, and offers a way through to healing. That's what I've been looking for.

My partner & I have been working through this book for a couple weeks, by that I mean using the tactics/tools given in the book & they have been so helpful! I have now read the whole thing and I did not feel the book was callous at all, I actually felt for the first time after reading it justified in my emotions.. by that I mean NOT crazy/awful/weak. My partner and I were best friends for a long time before becoming romantic, so we tend to be extra sensitive to one another's criticism.. It helped us learn new techniques for communicating and we employed them immediately. We already see improvement and a better understanding of one another's needs. I highly recommend this book!

In this book, Kirshenbaum focuses squarely on the pain caused by betrayal. It's not just sexual infidelity that's covered here -- that's the "worst-case scenario." Though the book definitely covers that particular scenario in spades, many kinds of betrayal are covered here.

It avoids the extremes of self-blame (Did I nag too much? Did I do something wrong?) and blaming him (It's all his fault, the filthy rat), or even blaming the one he cheated with (Who does she think she is getting involved with a married man). This book, instead, charts a new path -- the path of trust. The author contends that it's through building trust again that healing will come. And without trust, without your being to open yourself up before your partner, your partner has no actual way to love YOU -- only your shell is available.

And as mentioned before, Kirshenbaum addresses small as well as big betrayals. No matter what the betrayal, Kirshenbaum argues, it can gradually erode the relationship. But more importantly, the author's very challenging thesis goes: "It's not the betrayal by itself that causes most of the damage. It's the poor way we handle the aftermath." If you can buy into this way of thinking, then you can probably get a lot out of this book.

Here are some other specifics covered in the book:

-How betrayal and distrust enter a relationship
-How to tell if a relationship is worth going all-out to save
-How to avoid the typical destructive reaction to betrayal
-How long it will take for healing to occur
-Exercises to work through healing

So, is this book for you? If you think you can accept the author's argument that how we handle betrayal is more important than the betrayal itself, then you ought to read it. But if this line seems simply to alien, too impossible, or just plain wrong to you, you might be best skipping this book.

What are the book alternatives? If you suspect you might be involved in an abusive relationship that involves betrayal, you should probably check out The Betrayal Bond by Patrick J. Carnes. If you find the Kirshenbaum's proposition compelling -- that it's our individual response to betrayal that matters most -- you may be interested by Olsen and Stephen's self-work oriented The Couple's Survival Workbook.

I started reading this book on the preview page that was displayed on the store...I was telling a friend about it, and how much I related to just the few pages that I could see without buying the book. A few days later, I came home and this book was in my mailbox; my friend had purchased it and sent it to me with a personalized note: "I hope this helps you find your way..." I tore open the package and started my reading.

I have started several books, of this same genre, yet, I could never finish one...I never related to any of them like I related to this book. It was by far, the most accurate book about mistrust and hurt that I've ever come across, I was amazed and uplifted by every page, story, and situation. In other books I felt like the author would be telling me "yeah you feel like this, but forget about it, get over it, move on"...not Mira! She even said (several times) point blank, yeah, he/she hurt you, and I'm not telling you that's okay, or that you shouldn't be angry...that is exactly what I needed to hear! I needed to hear that someone out there understood me, and that it was okay for me to be angry and that I didnt have to just forget about it...then this book helped me find different ways to learn how to deal with the way I was feeling, it was reinforcing positive encouragement, something I really needed. One book I started to read before this one even made me feel guilty, because it mentioned that somewhere along the lines I must've done something to cause the affair. I have told friends about Mira's book, most of whom are going through different types of betrayal issues. I have highlighted points in this book, so that I can go back to them for a reminder of just how important it is to be smart about your reactions and thoughts on things. Like Mira my mistrust stemmed from an emotional affair...never would I have guessed that something like that could cause me so much pain and grief, yet it did, and every feeling or thought I've had through this rebuilding trust process was in this book. It's hard to believe that someone could touch on every emotion and every detail of my thoughts, up until this book, I felt sad and alone. I really didn't know how to deal with something like this, I never thought that someone could hurt so badly from something like an `emotional affair' and honestly, until it happened to me, I didn't even know what it was! Though, I still wish it had never happened, it taught me so much, about me, about my husband, and about our life, that maybe I would have never known. This book showed me the way, it showed me that I can heal from this. I'm choosing forgiveness and trust in my relationship, and I hope, if you are considering reading this book that you do and that you can find a way to forgive and trust again too. It's worth it!

This book helped save our marriage. It could have been written about us. Mira wries so everyone can understand how to repair trust after major betrayal. Not all betrayals are infidelity. The time line she gives for healing after a betrayal is very helpfully, she allows for each person to move forward at there own pace. It was helpful to me to know it could take a year or more and that is perfectly normal. The guideline for repairing your relationship is right on target.
Thank you Mira

Meh, I wasn't impressed. Seems like the author wrote a paper in sophomore year of college as a psychology major, then decided to turn it into a more lengthy book stuffed with repetitive words and unnecessary colorful adjectives. I think her writing style is maybe too simple for me.