How to Keep Out-of-Control Emotions from Destroying Your Relationship

I knew nothing about bpd before the person I started dating let me know about her diagnosis. I didn't understand her suicidal and self harm impulses or how to respond to them. Other things I'd read seemed to treat the disorder and my partner as something to be ashamed of but Dr. Manning's book has compassionate and functional advice that is helping my partner and our relationship.

If you know and love somebody diagnosed with bpd, for their sake and yours, please read and practice this book.

I am only part way through this book as it is hard for me personally to sit and just read quickly through the book, I am getting so much information from each page of the book that I need time to digest what I am learning. It is really opening my eyes to what my loved one is going through. It is heartbreaking yet extremely helpful to learn all this. I will post again when I have finished the book.

I have joined a BPD support group and we are using this book. This book has been essential in understanding how dialectical behavioral therapy can help improve your relationship with your love one who has this mental illness.

Good book to read if you have someone in your life who has this disease. It's very hard to deal with them at times, and this will help you thru the bad and good times - and helps you to love the person and hate the disease.

This has great tips for if you're stuck being somebody's, essentially, 'therapist' 24/7, every. single. day. dealing with their crap. And if you love someone and are willing to pretty much give your life up for them, again, great tips to make life a LITTLE less hellish. Then again, supposedly some are worse than others and if yours doesn't COMPLETELY lack empathy/isn't COMPLETELY self-centered, there may be hope yet.

tl;dr: worth a shot I suppose

The book provided excellent insight into how a person with BPD experiences the world. I have had 32 years of dealing with my daughter's BPD and have never been able to empathized with what she is actually experiencing until now.

Even if you are not dating someone with BPD, this is a fantastic book for anyone trying to deal with someone with emotional problems. I can't put it down, and it has improved my relationship in only a few days.

What I love about this book is that it's written to help people--step by step--in dealing with someone they love with BPD. I have learned more from this book than any others I have read. It's easy to understand, even the clinical terms are clearly explained and there's a lot of examples that give context for greater understanding. This book has helped me have a much better understanding of my loved one, myself and the dynamic between us. If you have someone in your life who has BPD, I highly recommend this book.

Incredibly compassionate and informative. I would recommend this book above any other. Shari Manning has worked closely with Marsha Linehan, the woman who created DBT (one of the main treatments for BPD). The best you can get!

Shari Manning has wriitten a book that provides readers with excellent interpersonal methods and rational to bring harmony into families struggling to truly understand , help, and feel close to their loved one with borderline personality.

This will most likely change the way you view and react to people who have borderline traits. Good read for someone familiar with scientific research and those who know nothing about personality disorders, it's gives a good lesson on understanding why some have these traits and how best to help them without destroying your life in the process.

This book is very comprehensive and that is the problem...it uses countless examples of issues in dealing with BPD which requires the reader to sort through many issues that may not apply to individual circumstances in order to find the solution to any given situation...if that makes sense. In other words the writer relies upon many personal experiences with real clients to make a point about dealing with issues and loses the thread of the principle involved. So while the book is trying to touch all the bases it is difficult for readers to find what is most useful in their personal situation...also the writer who is a therapist.. has adopted the standard treatment modality of Dialectical BehaviorTherapy and uses it throughout the recommendations without ever laying a foundation for its application, which would need a separate chapter. As the father age 82 of one who is now age 56 I dispute her claims for validation and reinforcement as solutions no matter how bizarre the behavior seems to be. There is no use for fact checking and reality checking in this treatment schema of affirmations to compensate for lack of validation in childhood with someone who is unpredictable. So while the examples cited are useful one is constantly asking, what has that got to do with me???....The book definitely is worth a read but also is definitely not the last word in dealing with BPD relationships as I had hoped.

A definite MUST HAVE for anyone with Borderline and their families/friends. This book is written by someone who really understands what it's like to be Borderline, the misery, the confusion, etc. and has deep insight (the best insight into a BPD's life by a non-BPD I have ever seen) into the emotional turmoil. She also has fantastic practical advise and strategies (including communication techniques which I believe are invaluable) for families/friends to use when dealing with a BPD. I bought this for (hopeful) future use for my family but also so I could see my illness from their perspective, and get ideas on implementation of strategies to better my life in an invalidating environment through that insight. I can't recommend this highly enough.

I recently purchased this book. I have found it extremely helpful. Good explanation of this disorder, along with what it is like for the person with the disorder, and then many practical ways to help you deal with a loved one with this disorder. It has helped me to deal with my emotions as I deal with my family member. I highly recommend reading this book!

I have a family member with Borderline Personality Disorder, and over several years read a bunch of books on the disorder. I have learned something from all of them, but the nuances of MY reactions and how to moderate them effectively are addressed in this book far more effectively. I also have a much better understanding of my loved ones responses. Our relationship will never be "normal" but she is much calmer, we have far fewer arguments and life makes "sense" much more often. Highly recommended.

No one has ever made me feel like they understood borderline... And the way it is talked about in this book eases the knot in my stomach so well. Everything is worded perfectly and it seems like a real person writing it instead of a random doctor being all technical and impersonal. So basically... I love it!!! (This coming from a borderline themselves).

I have also read "Stop Walking On Eggshells". I like the approach of this book much better. Eggshells seems confrontational, but the approach of this book is trying to foster an understanding and helping the person you love.

Extremely insightful and most informative as with the other books below. Would you mind if I also asked you to change my public name to Karen Goodman as I have requested this since June, 2013 and it is still not done. Please pass on to correct department to edit my details as I don't seem to be having much luck. Thank you so much, Karen Goodman.

When someone you love is in pain, finding the most effective expert available is a top priority. For Borderline Personality Disorder, Dr. Manning is one of the experts you'd look for. This book is like a year of top-notch, evidence-based sessions with Dr. Manning, who guides you with understanding.and practical solutions for effective coping. Her years of experience are evident in the concrete and effective strategies she teaches. An excellent resource for families, her compassion and nonjudgemental style shines through in this easy-to-read book.

I find this the best of the modern books regarding BPD.

1. I find it very hopeful that there are psychologists who find the BPD a treatable condition rather then writting off those with this condition as lost causes.

2. This is a good book in the regard that it helps those coping with the effects of the BPD sufferer's behavior and does not try to make those who love a person with BPD an amateur psychologist.

3. Since many marriages containing someone with this disorder often end in divorce, if someone suspects that they or their spouse has this disorder seeing a psychologist early and reading this book may save a marriage.

I bought this book along with the "Stop Walking on Egg Shells" by Paul Mason. I devoured every page of "Eggshells" but couldn't get through this book. I just couldn't get past their description of the BPD sufferer as someone who was born with a highly emotional nature. My sister has this awful condition and she was an easy-going child until suffering a major trauma and completely de-railed. Paul Mason's book allows for this scenario and was simply excellent reading.

This is a wonderful book. I was/am having a very hard time with my daughter who has BPD and this book really helps me to understand better why she is the way she is and that's it's nothing I've done to set her off. At the same time it is sad to realize that there is nothing I can do to fix her. It helps me to understand the disorder and not blame or look to blame anyone but move forward and try my best to help her deal with this disorder. I hope more family's find this book and read it and I believe it will save a lot of people with BPD to not loose their family's and people they love.

Thank you,
Sonja Stewart
Kennewick, WA

If you have a loved one with Borderline Personality Disorder, this book must be at the top of your reading list. It is the first I have read that actually explains what is going on in the head of the person with BPT and why they act the way they do. As such, it offers a tremendous opening for empathy (as difficult as that is for those of us who tend to me the victims of their abuse).

I also appreciated her presentation of the newest theory on the cause of BPD (which, as I understand it, is that a person who is born with a highly emotional nature is raised in an environment that suppresses their high level of emotional reactivity, leading to eventual emotional disregulation).

The highlight of the author's advice is to validate the person's feelings when interacting with them, as doing so helps to diffuse, rather than escalate, their emotional reaction. Along with this, controlling one's own emotional reaction to the person's outburst or inappropriate behavior is essential.

I noted two shortcomings:

One is that the author's advice about validation is very difficult to put into practice. While she does break it down into steps, a lay person is going to have difficulty practicing this in the heat of the moment; of even more concern is that the loved one may see right through the lay person's amateur attempts to manipulate their feelings. Even so, this is better than not trying at all, and with its drawbacks is still the second-best advice anyone has ever given me on dealing with a loved one with BPD. (The best advice, of course, is to get support for yourself!)

The other is that the author ignores all aspects of BPD other than the emotional reactivity and the risky/self harm behaviors that it engenders. I had learned (and oberved) that there are other pieces of this syndrome: the fear of abandonment, the viewing of others as savior or nemesis, etc; these are not even acknowledged.

It is still absolutely required reading, and highly valuable, to anyone with a loved one with BPD.

I bought this because I have a sister who fits this description who is frequently on the attack with me. I was ready to dump her from my life but now I can't because I understand what's going on with her. I also read the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells" which was also a big help. This book is slightly more clinical than the other. The other book is a bit more "user friendly." Even though my sister appears to hate me and is terribly hateful toward me, I know now that her greatest fear is that I will leave her, which I didn't know before I read this book. Being able "to get" her is a big help.

I strongly discourage others from reading this book. It's painfully obvious that the author has no personal experience with "borderlines" outside of a clinical setting. I found her advice to be condescending and downright destructive. I had to stop reading it.
Her tone is that of: You just have to be more understanding. Try to imagine what life must be like for the poor borderline. (paraphrased)
When you have bent over backwards and turned hundreds of "other cheeks" and nothing has improved or changed for either you or your borderline, this kind of language will make you want to scream! At least that's how I felt. I felt that she lays blame on the loved ones of the borderline for their condition and for the continuing problems of their condition, and insinuates that it is our lack of understanding that is causing our problems. Ignorant and insensitive. Not a good read for fragile, hurting people. I threw it out the back door.

If it wasn't for my (ex)boyfriend bringing my behavior to my attention and, subsequently, dumping me, I wouldn't have realized that I have BPD. He described me as manipulative, clingy and insecure. He also admitted to being afraid of me, which was heartbreaking. Initially, I scoured the web for information so that I could prove to him that I don't intentionally engage in erratic and/or annoying behavior and that I am harmless. That didn't work. He broke it off and stopped answering my calls/text. If you are familiar with BPD, you're likely aware of how I reacted (no, I didn't harm him. I turned my pain inward of course).

I purchased this book today and read it on Kindle. It was one of the first books that didn't paint me as a monster but explained what triggers my behaviors, emotions and thoughts. It is the first book that I've read that made me feel OK when, almost daily, I feel compelled to take my life. Living with this condition is hell. So, I am sure that it is not an easy feat for others. I know that it may not make much difference but know that the person in your life living with BPD does not aim to hurt you intentionally. They are actually afraid of losing you.

The content of the book is both compassionate and comprehensive. So, I ordered a second book and had it shipped to my ex in hopes that he will at least read the first few pages. My hope is that he will not just write me off as a psycho but gain an understanding, an understanding that I have a serious condition and that I genuinely try to manage my emotions and not be impulsive, but it's hard. I'm also hoping that he can love me in spite of, which is highly unlikely. So, I'm trying my best to cope.

If you love someone with BPD or living with BPD, this is an excellent resource. We need more people who are willing to learn more about this condition and act with compassion and understanding.

Note: Persons with BPD complete suicide at higher rates than the general population. Our "attention seeking" behavior should not be taken lightly. If you are facing a crisis, feel free to text 741-741. A crisis counselor talked me down after being dumped by my boyfriend. However, in the event that you are in imminent danger, please contact 911. I wish you all the best and hope that those with BPD can recover from this taxing condition.

Holy crap. If you are looking for a virtual manual to your loved ones mind - this is it. I can’t recommend it enough. I love my partner and personally want this to work, but at times it seems impossible. This book has given us a very real possibility for success. I’m super excited, and oddly enough this book does a great job of validating us - those who love those with BPD. At times I have literally hated myself for staying because it’s easy to believe we are the chumps who “pick the wrong” person to love. Nothing is further from the truth - people are people and some people are different. Some have blue eyes, some are tall, some have BPD. You wouldn’t give up on your loved one for being tall or having a certain eye color, ordinarily so why would you give up due to the BPD, or any other feature if you truly love them? The only reason is because you may not have the knowledge or tools to effectively communicate with such a person. This book provides those tools. I can’t wait to put those tools to work. It won’t be easy, but it will be worth it. Also I’m the kind of guy that prides himself if executing effectively so now that I know what to do, I’ll probably practice and practice until I master it. Well I hope so!

My mother was a BPD, and like a lot of children of alcoholics, I ran from her into the arms of a flaming BPD, it was familiar, it was all I knew. I have managed, barely, to stay in this relationship for 30 years because of my children. The book is very good (I didn't read it all yet) and is a very good explanation of BPD, but doesn't say much about the mental damage it can do to the loved ones, the victims. My entire life, literally, has had a borderline in it from day one. One thing about the book that bothered me was the "invalidation" in the borderlines childhood that helped create their problem, I say, what about the invalidation they give out? They do a pretty good job of invalidating and alienating loved ones, themselves. Not only that, the two I have in my life, are both prolific liars, tend to be hypochondriac (always fancy themselves sick, and in my mothers case, hospitalized many many times, for nothing) and both have their own reality, and generally do not remember things they way everybody else does. They only remember things in ways that make them look good and feel good, truth be damned. I told my BPD husband just a few days ago that I hadn't been right in 40 years, and certainly not in the 30 years we've been married (I'm currently 50). He's never wrong about Anything, and he never misses an opportunity to "school" me. Sometimes I feel like I'm in the movie Gaslight. Now, I'm terminal with an autoimmune lung disease. And after so much reading and research on this disease, one of the factors that doctors believe causes it? High levels of stress over a long time, decades even. Hello!!! And it seems the sicker I get, the worse he is. I swore after my youngest left home, I'd leave. But nearly at the same time that happened, I got sick and got a bad diagnosis. Why leave now? I'm used up. I'm tired. He and my mother used me completely up, and I believe, contributed to my illness. You young ones reading this book and have a BPD in your life, take my advice and the advice in this book and SET BOUNDARIES and under no circumstances, let you BPD cross them. I walked around on egg shells for 4 decades trying not to "set off" the BPD in my life, and it has cost me. Good luck to you all.

This book helped us immensely during a difficult time. The person in our family did not have BPD, but some behaviors were similar, and the coping strategies were applicable and helped us keep our cool and maintain family bonds during the worst of times. So glad we did and now enjoy a happy ending in the form of harmony, love, and deep abiding ties as years have passed and the patient matured and learned to cope with their temperament as well.

I was dating a man named James Jordan in Melbourne, Florida. I knew something was very wrong with him and this book really put things into perspective. When a man is 60 and not married and has no children, the red flags wave. This man acted like he had multiple personalities, hot-cold, in love, strong dislike. It was an emotional roller coaster.

I feel kind of bad giving this book only 3 stars because there are some good things about this book. Ch 3 is actually very well written and pretty great (it is about the "power of validation"), however the book falls down a little because, quite frankly, she ends up portraying ppl with bpd as being absolute nutters. As far as the advice she gives for how to deal with ppl with bpd she is actually very good and I do not deny that her advice is wise, compassionate and convincing. The problem is that if someone actually had bpd and read this book they are likely going to loathe themselves because the mirror (if it can be called that) that she holds up of bpd is petty darn unattractive. She insinuates that ppl with bpd make frequent calls to others at 2am, that they continually borrow money, etc, etc - these might be demonstrations of bpd in some individuals but it gets pretty insulting once you imply (as I feel she does) that this what all ppl with bpd are like. I should point out that I don't have bpd so perhaps ppl with bpd would feel differently.

In summary, this book probably is worth buying if you are close to someone with bpd - however if you buy this book I encourage you not to show it to your loved one with bpd because it will likely upset them. You should also keep in mind that the behaviour of ppl with bpd is a lot more diverse and not necessarily as extreme as some of the behaviour she repeatedly labels as being typical of bpd.

Extremely helpful, and simply organized and written. Based on Dialectical Behavior Therapy -- one of the most effective therapeutic approaches going for improving the lives of people who struggle with high sensitivity and low skills for managing their intense, unmanageable emotions and interpersonal difficulties. The central point of DBT is that such skills can be learned. It helped me be more compassionate, more capable of tolerating my own distress in the face of the unhappiness of others. I hope it will help me become more skilled myself, without going beyond the limits of what I can realistically handle.

I have bpd and have gone through dbt twice. My dbt clinician recommended this book for me and my husband to read. Manning wrote this in such a way that anyone can understand and apply her techniques. I myself am glad that we bought this book and I highly recommend it to anyone who has bpd or has a loved one with bpd.

Excellent read! Practical and helpful suggestions along with great insights into borderline personality disorder, what it is, how it affects people, and thoughts and feelings associated with it. It is a must-buy for anyone who cares about someone who has BPD.

This book is the best I have seen when it comes to a helpful resource for family members about Borderline Personality Disorder. The skills presented in this book really work. In fact, my husband and I teach a class and we use this book as our text. Most students comment that the book has been helpful in improving their interactions with their BPD family member.

This book was everything I needed and wanted to hear. It's exactly what you're looking for if you are searching these types of books. It has real techniques and ideas and some really great down to earth understanding advice. If you love someone, (especially you're significant other) with BPD, and you dont want to be told to give up anymore, this is the book for you!

I'm only 20 percent through the book but I find it so distasteful I'm not likely to finish. Anyone who poses as an expert should offer SOME evidence for their faith. The phrase "scientific proof" should not be accepted as evidence. Most of the suggestions for speaking with a person with BPD are so condescending that they would hate me or laugh themselves to death. I worked in a psychiatric hospital for nearly three years and found "professionals" like this author on the staff. Too childish in their own behavior and attitudes to be of use to sick people. I'll try to struggle through the remainder of the book and do a revaluation but no promises.
Here's what was useful to me: The author validates my opinion of many mental health workers. Try to get to the parts of the book where she explains just how incompetent they are.

I bought this book after reading the reviews, which were mostly very positive, but I have to confess that I didn’t like it, not that it hasn’t given me important information but it is so very repetitive that I am having a lot of trouble finishing it. I wish there was a book only directed to the partners and spouses of BPD patients, as the situation is different when you share your life intimately with that person. Also often the anger and frustration the person with BPD feels is directed to the person who shares his or her life. In my case my husband decided to divorce me, but the suffering is far from over because in his anger against me he will succeed in leaving me without enough to live into old age, because he filed for divorce in a country where he knew that I would have hardly any rights: France. I am now a shadow of what I used to be when I met him.

This book helped me to see that I did a lot of things right, although I am not a mental health care professional, but I also did many things wrong. I don’t want to beat myself up because I had no support whatsoever through all this ordeal. I have forgiven him because in a way I understand that he can’t help it, but what should have been the cherry on the top of my life, with a man I very much loved, became a nightmare. I wish there were groups to support family members, even after a relationship breaks up, because that would have been very healing for me and for a lot of people.

The book gives you information on the symptoms of BPD, the problems they cause and how you can deal with them so that you help your loved one and try to keep yourself sane. I believe that if we had come across this type of information a long time ago our relationship would have survived, but my husband only discovered he suffers from this problem a short while ago and although it did explain a lot of things it was too late to save our marriage. My GP said that he will go on to make victims but I hope not, I sincerely hope that he will be able to achieve a very dear goal of his: to find the love of his life and to be happy. Equipped with all the information he has now I think that he has a good chance of achieving that. My case is very different as I am so disillusioned that I don’t think that I will be in a relationship ever again. I have ordered a book to try to protect myself during the divorce but I don’t think that there will be a lot that I can do. As I suffered a lot of abuse during our relationship I am now having therapy with Women’s Aid and that is helping. I also contacted Mind but they are a charity where not specialized volunteers try to help you, so they won’t be able to do more than a friend or family member would do. I think that there is a great need for specialized help for those with the illness but, very important, for the families as well.

There are some very informative videos on Youtube, which my husband sent me and which help to understand this illness and the impact it has on the people around the patient. Health care professionals need to be more attentive to this kind of disorders and pick up the signs, something that wasn’t done in our case although I kept pointing out that he wasn’t a mean abuser but that he was ill.

It's one thing to treat BPD and give advice, but totally another to actually live with an individual who has BPD. It is very hard keep your own emotional health when living with someone with BPD, much less trying to assist them. I stayed 28 years with a BPD individual who also suffered Paranoia. It was hell and only became worse. I tried many of the suggestions in this book, and perhaps they work when you are not actually living with the person. I just find the authors approach much too simplistic.

OK. I started reading this book, then eventually just skimmed through the rest. I was immediately was put off by some of the general characteristics that the author states people with BPD have: they are very sensitive (so are highly-sensitive people), they have some bad feelings toward other family members (who doesn't?), they tend to really have a soft spot for children and animals. Wait, what??? I'd be concerned if people didn't have a soft spot for children or animals (not PETA-sensitive, but likes animals). Like statistics, someone could read this and think "Aha! I have BPD!" or "AHA! I knew he had a serious mental problem." Some people might be alcoholics and exhibit some of the BPD character traits, but being an alcoholic does't mean you are BPD. I think this term is thrown around way too much. You either have a personality disorder or you don't. It's like being a "little bit pregnant." I didn't even finish reading it. I feel bad for the people who have some bad days and crazy stuff going on in their lives and end up reading this and thinking they are nut jobs. I also feel bad for the people whose family members bought this and think "Wow! This person IS crazy because I haven't done anything wrong for him to be such a jerk. He MUST be mental." Read specific books...this dx is too much of a hodge podge.