Giving Yourself the Power to Change the Way You Love

Well written, and easy to understand. This book was definitely helpful in my understanding of this emotional addiction. Having said that, it definitely caters to the more serious cases, and doesn't offer a lot of suggestion on more 'soft addicts'

This book has changed my life, how I interact with my husband & others in my world. It also gives me more of an understanding of my reactions to them. It has taught me how to interact with them in a more loving, kind, compassionate manner & not feel threatened or threaten in return. An excellent offering for everyone in relationships of all kinds.

Reading this book was like reading my life story or watching the movie of my life....If you ever had issues with yourself or your relationships...this is a must read....i read a lot on Co-dependency thinking i was co-dep..this book opened a whole new word and a new language for me...the world of love addiction...i am grateful and elated that i bought it...

Get this book if you're a woman who has unhealthy attachments to men. This is a book I recommend to clients struggling with this very issue. You will understand the nature of where love addiction comes from, feel supported and learn tools to cope. This is a must have.

This book changed my life,and helped me see that there are others out there like me who are love /and or avoidance addicts. Very interesting, and a great read to help you understand you or others who are facing love addiction.,

Great first two chapters identifying the definitions of the characters involved in cycles. Really great job discussing how the love addict and love avoidant can identify and how many people dont even realize there is an issue that needs resolved. Great job referring to the step work and the possibilty of change. Fave quote "Pain is not the enemy but its the fear of pain that is." Once one can work through the fear, the issue can be addressed and resolved!

I had to learn the hardest of ways before I could understand what my actions were doing. I lost the one I love because of my Love Avoidance. This book helped me to realize who I am, what I have been doing, and gave me hope that I can do it right next time.

I had rented and read this from the liabrary but wanted to have my own copy to do the work plans they suggest at the end. I found this used for a very low price. The description lead me to believe it was very used and dogeard. How ever when I recieved it, imagine my suprise when it was like brand new. I am so happy. Thanks Again the store !!

I had rented and read this from the liabrary but wanted to have my own copy to do the work plans they suggest at the end. I found this used for a very low price. The description lead me to believe it was very used and dogeard. How ever when I recieved it, imagine my suprise when it was like brand new. I am so happy. Thanks Again the store !!

Another good book I wish I had before I got let go, the information helped me a lot. It gave me sound advice on what I was doing to sabotage relationships and what I need to do to get better. I relate to a lot of the information and it helped give me hope that things will get better.

Careful. Once you become aware of something you can never become un-aware of it again.

The whole culture of "addict" etc. I'm an addict you're an addict for life, etc. has always turned me off. But I cannot argue with this woman's work -- it's life changingly brilliant.

My therapist was the one who turned me on to the "love addict" concept. Following that, I began to read as much as I could about "love addiction". Susan Forward, Robin Norwood, Howard Halpern, Brenda Shaeffer - did I leave anybody out? - were all fantastic. Yet, I did not fit into the mold of "Love Addict".

It wasn't until I read this book - really read and digested the information -that I saw in my life's actions as a love AVOIDANT. The Love Addict versus Love Avoidant Circle was enlightening and liberating. Ms. Mellody explains each step on the circle for both Addicts and Avoidants. It's hard to see yourself so clearly, yet once I realized my patterns of interaction were those of an Avoidant, things have gotten much better in my relationships.

I found the author's style of writing informative and easy to read. But one caveat - don't make the fortunate mistake (for me at least) I did. DO NOT read this book because you're trying to "figure him/her out". Read this book to figure yourself out. Once you've accomplished the YOU work, life gets easier.

I read Facing Love Addiction after reading Dr. Andy's excellent book How to Survive Loving a Narcissist (A Book About Narcissism) - Narcissism Book which was such a great resource for understanding how we become love addicted in a forthright and helpful manner.

Facing Love Addiction was an additional tool for understanding this vague concept. I personally had never heard of being addicted to love. The signs, the advice, and the things you learn about yourself while reading this book are truly remarkable. A personal journey where you actually come out a different person not only to yourself but to people around you is life-changing.

The words of the author, Pia Mellody, ring in my head as I encounter the different phases of a relationship - whether it be from an ex or someone I have recently met. She is really an expert and Facing Love Addiction provides a wealth of advice on self-empowerment and becoming the your best self.

I was drawn to this book in the store just at a point when I had been abandoned by someone who I felt very attached to. I just couldn't stop obsessing with the thoughts about how we were going to eventually get back together. But I knew this was not healthy behavior and wanted to do something about it. This book and the information conveyed helped me see the destructive patterns I was engaged in with this guy and my contribution to my own unhealthy behavior. Furthermore, it described his and my behaviors to a tee, and explained why he/I had acted the way he/I did and the cycle and circle we were drawn to, the codependence and the fears that motivated us to be drawn to each other to attempt to heal those fears (each had the same fears, ultimately). I hope someday that he reads this book or finds out what this book has taught me about why I was drawn to find knights in shining armor, and he was drawn to the nurturing female. If we had been aware of these behaviors during our relationship, it might have even worked since as Mellody explains, even just one partner getting healthy can change everything. If you are a "romantic", but something is not working to keep you in love, then this book may provide some answers for you.

I am greatful to have found this book for diagnosis sake, but I don't feel equipped to conquer the problem based solely on the tools that Melody outlined. The book is essentially written in two parts. The first part describes the cycle of love addiction, what causes it, what we as love addicts need, and why what we're doing to meet these needs isn't working and will never work. As I read it, I thought "Finally someome understands me better than I understand myself! I've found help!" But the second half was a let-down. It suggested doing writing assignments, using self-control, keeping a journal and giving your problem up to a higher power. I've written hundreds of pages about my relationship problems and my cooresponding feelings, I keep a journal and I've prayed about this for years and so far it hasn't helped me. It doesn't mean I won't do the assignments she suggests, but I seriously doubt that they alone are going to transform my life. The book further suggests counseling, but doesn't offer suggestions about where to find an expert, and this is not the kind of problem your average therapist is trained to deal with. I know that from 24 years worth of therapy. This book is a wonderful first step, but it's not a do-it-yourself guide to recovery. It doesn't provide you with the tools or the answers beyond the rudimentary situations and questions and it doesn't tell you where to go for more help. (FYI: Melody is on staff at a treatment facility in Arizona, the Meadows, which specializes in treating love addiction, (among other addictions) but she doesn't mention anything about that in the book, including the kind of treatment offered there, which is unfortunate) Still, I would recommend this book to anyone who even thinks they might be a love addict, because after reading it you will know for sure and you will feel more hopeful about your future than you ever have.

I think I must have been in some resistance/denial place the first time I read this book, I kept thinking "this doesn't apply to me" and "that bit doesn't apply to my husband". I'm glad I gave it another read as it all fell into place the second time around.
She gives a different take on co-dependence than I'd read from other books, I thought I'd worked through that stuff but it seemed I had a whole bunch more to look at. Ouch.
Another great aspect of the book is the clear and detailled description of what a healthy relationship looks like; someone with love addiction problems didn't get to see that in their family of origin and the dysfunctional relationship feels normal.
Recommended reading (by me) if these are your issues.

Part of what makes Pia's books so useful, this one especially, is her sharing her personal experiences-trial, triumphs, tragedies, what she's learned, and that she is still struggling, just like the rest of us, and that there is hope if we just keep moving forward.

She has great, practical insights on the effects so many of us have experienced from less-than-nurturing childhoods and how that affects our beliefs about and relationship with ourselves, which affects everything else in our lives.

In this book, she addresses one of those affects that some of us experience - the addiction to unhealthy relationships, and shares some insights and directions into how to heal from it, instead of giving it a DSM-IV personality disorder diagnosis (label) for "treatment", like so much of the mental health community does. This book was highly beneficial for me.

Change the way you look at things and self-discover. This book educates you about what and how love addiction and codependency is. This book comes with an indepth look at yourself and your actions. It has fantastic tools and twelve step work to help you begin to change and recover. The author shares her stories and is deeply open with the reader. A must read

I have been in SLAA four 4 years now, and this book was a tremendous validation of the behavioral and thought patterns of a love addict. Although the hard, sometimes grueling personal work has to continue, this book brought some extremely useful tools to add to my new "emotional tool-belt". Thanks, Pia!

This book seems to bear the distinction of being the only self-help book geared exclusively toward overcoming unrequited love, an obsession which ultimately destroys the self. Mellody a recovering codependent herself offers remarkable insights and strategies for establishing boundaries and regaining and cherishing one's autonomy.

This book was recommended by my therapist. After going thru the whole book and writing all the exercises, I have unlocked and unloaded a ton of childhood pain and trauma. You will shed floods of tears and feel terrible feelings you have buried, but this process is like the purging of toxins so you can begin to heal.

One customer commented that the author didn't offer any recovery tools. I'd like to offer my experience: The most important recovery tool is to develop a relationship with a Higher Power that is not a person or object. For if you do not have a Higher Power, you will turn to a person or object for that love, which will result in addiction.

From time to time, during recovery, painful feelings will surface, triggered by whatever or whomever you're dealing with day to day. When I was in a relationship, it was hard because I couldn't get away easily to process the triggered feelings. The book offers suggestions which are good, but not that easy to do for me. Now that I'm not in that relationship, I've followed my therapist's suggestion to identify the triggering event, the root cause (usually from your childhood), and replace the painful feeling with thoughts, words, and deeds that make me feel better. This 3-step process takes tremendous discipline because many times I just want to stick to my lifelong habit of self-pity, depression, and pessimism.

I also begin my day with one hour of Prayer Walk. I meditate every day to empty my mind, and infuse my being with God's love. Since I've been doing recovery, I have stopped crying over loneliness, stopped longing for that "soulmate", and stopped the frantic search. After all, you are your true soulmate, because if you can't love you, no one can. Everyone accesses their Higher Power differently, but the most important thing is to receive all the love you need from your Higher Power. Without doing so, you will forever rely on a created being or thing for love, and be constantly frustrated because of his/its limitations.

Before reading Pia Mellody's book, I was attracted to men who were challenging, difficult, complex, and provocative, which I found fascinating, but they in fact were unstable, emotionally melodramatic, and abusive. Now when I meet men who are intense, I feel less attraction, perhaps because I have processed my childhood trauma wounds and lowered my degree of intensity, becoming more at peace with myself. Today I see these people as wounded, just unaware of it. I know I can choose peace, not conflict; joy, not suffering; gentleness, not intensity.

The book says "Love addicts are attracted to men who walk away from them." That was very true of me. But to change that, I had to open my wounds, clean them out, identify the pain, and patiently wait for the wounds to heal.

I hope the pain you're feeling will be enough of a wakeup call to begin this journey.

I've never read something that so perfectly described my 20 year marriage, the cycles, just amazing, impossibly perfect, this will save my marriage, and future relationship(s) as well as people I share this with in a timely fashion, just amazing, perfect. Healing part, who cares, once the problems is identified, I can take it from there, w/counseling, for sure, and biggest problem is finding what's up! This tells you what's up in a 100% perfect manner. Wow! Finally the answers to this wierd nagging thing i've been pecking at solving for years.

I found this book well written and comprehensive, but what was the most moving to me was the way in which it touched the most painful and sad and hidden part of my relationships. Not only does it talk about me and why I do this, but it clearly talks about my partner(s) and what they seek in this valiant but destructive and Quixotic dance we do. I did not need my highlighter, as my tears did the highlighting on each and every page. Strangely, the more I read into the book the more soothed I felt in that I understood, finally, that I am not alone, that I needn't be alone and that there is a way out from this. If you suffer in relationships in the dramatic push-pull way, if the relationships you have are frought with complicated manipulations, if you want a way out...please read this book. Best of luck. Tim

Although it sometimes feels like the book tries to set things into black and white, I'm sure many of us can see elements of what is discussed in present and past relationships. It was helpful to see an objective discussion of the dynamics experienced between love addicts and love avoiders. The one major disagreement I had with the book regarded the notion that it is healthy to have moments of being out of love - I may have missed the point, but it seems that the connection should always be there, no matter what the circumstances.

This book was recommended by my therapist. After going thru the whole book and writing all the exercises, I have unlocked and unloaded a ton of childhood pain and trauma. You will shed floods of tears and feel terrible feelings you have buried, but this process is like the purging of toxins so you can begin to heal.

One customer commented that the author didn't offer any recovery tools. I'd like to offer my experience: The most important recovery tool is to develop a relationship with a Higher Power that is not a person or object. For if you do not have a Higher Power, you will turn to a person or object for that love, which will result in addiction.

From time to time, during recovery, painful feelings will surface, triggered by whatever or whomever you're dealing with day to day. When I was in a relationship, it was hard because I couldn't get away easily to process the triggered feelings. The book offers suggestions which are good, but not that easy to do for me. Now that I'm not in that relationship, I've followed my therapist's suggestion to identify the triggering event, the root cause (usually from your childhood), and replace the painful feeling with thoughts, words, and deeds that make me feel better. This 3-step process takes tremendous discipline because many times I just want to stick to my lifelong habit of self-pity, depression, and pessimism.

I also begin my day with one hour of Prayer Walk. I meditate every day to empty my mind, and infuse my being with God's love. Since I've been doing recovery, I have stopped crying over loneliness, stopped longing for that "soulmate", and stopped the frantic search. After all, you are your true soulmate, because if you can't love you, no one can. Everyone accesses their Higher Power differently, but the most important thing is to receive all the love you need from your Higher Power. Without doing so, you will forever rely on a created being or thing for love, and be constantly frustrated because of his/its limitations.

Before reading Pia Mellody's book, I was attracted to men who were challenging, difficult, complex, and provocative, which I found fascinating, but they in fact were unstable, emotionally melodramatic, and abusive. Now when I meet men who are intense, I feel less attraction, perhaps because I have processed my childhood trauma wounds and lowered my degree of intensity, becoming more at peace with myself. Today I see these people as wounded, just unaware of it. I know I can choose peace, not conflict; joy, not suffering; gentleness, not intensity.

The book says "Love addicts are attracted to men who walk away from them." That was very true of me. But to change that, I had to open my wounds, clean them out, identify the pain, and patiently wait for the wounds to heal.

I hope the pain you're feeling will be enough of a wakeup call to begin this journey.

I've never read something that so perfectly described my 20 year marriage, the cycles, just amazing, impossibly perfect, this will save my marriage, and future relationship(s) as well as people I share this with in a timely fashion, just amazing, perfect. Healing part, who cares, once the problems is identified, I can take it from there, w/counseling, for sure, and biggest problem is finding what's up! This tells you what's up in a 100% perfect manner. Wow! Finally the answers to this wierd nagging thing i've been pecking at solving for years.

I found this book well written and comprehensive, but what was the most moving to me was the way in which it touched the most painful and sad and hidden part of my relationships. Not only does it talk about me and why I do this, but it clearly talks about my partner(s) and what they seek in this valiant but destructive and Quixotic dance we do. I did not need my highlighter, as my tears did the highlighting on each and every page. Strangely, the more I read into the book the more soothed I felt in that I understood, finally, that I am not alone, that I needn't be alone and that there is a way out from this. If you suffer in relationships in the dramatic push-pull way, if the relationships you have are frought with complicated manipulations, if you want a way out...please read this book. Best of luck. Tim

Although it sometimes feels like the book tries to set things into black and white, I'm sure many of us can see elements of what is discussed in present and past relationships. It was helpful to see an objective discussion of the dynamics experienced between love addicts and love avoiders. The one major disagreement I had with the book regarded the notion that it is healthy to have moments of being out of love - I may have missed the point, but it seems that the connection should always be there, no matter what the circumstances.

HELPED MY HEART FROME HURTING AND MY EYES FROM CRYING AFTER A BREAK-UP FROM TWO PEOPLE WHO LOVED EACH OTHER BUT WERE NOT RIGHT TOGETHER AND ONE OF US WAS A TRUE LOVE ADDICT AND
CO DEPENDENT.I BEGAN TO GET MYSELF BACK AND Pia I THANK YOU FOR YOU BOOK.

I have been reading self help books for 15 years and this is one of the best! I wish I had found it much sooner! It is written in an easy-to-read format, concise, to-the-point, and includes writing exercises to help the reader make sense of what went wrong in their "failed" relationships, learn how to become more self-assured, and attract mentally healthy people into their lives. I highly recommend it to anyone who has ever had a painful love relationship.

I learned that I was a love addict about 12 years ago. However, I did not truly find out what was behind my love addiction - the childhood trauma and abuse until I read 'Facing Love Addiction'. It is the ONLY book that I have read on love addiction that gives the reader necessary information on both sides of this addiction. For me, I needed to know why my former partner was the way he was and this book explains it perfectly. She shares explicitly of her own experiences which helped me immensely and she also adds humor to an addiction that is well beyond 'painful' in it's active state. After reading this book 3 times, I decided that I wanted to have the opportunity to work directly with Pia in her love addiction workshop at The Meadows. That was 4 years ago and it was the best thing I have ever done for myself. This is a complicated, excrutiatingly painful addiction and yet I found that there was hope and I found the light at the end of the tunnel. This is a book that I recommend over and over and over to those people just awakening to the fact that they are most likely love addicts. Pia does not sugarcoat anything and yet at the same time shows the utmost of genuine caring because she has been there herself.....

Holy Moley,
I just didn't know until I read this book. This book clearly illustrated to me just what I've been doing in relationships that get me into trouble. It doesn't stop there either.
While reading, I could begin to see the shroud of darkness lift from my eyes, and clarity begin to set in. I am a love addict, and have been picking avoidant addicts for years and never knew it. Now I can see the reasons for the pain I was forced to endure. I am now happily on the road to recovery.
If you have any questions at all about your troubled relationships of the present or past, buy this book!

I found this book purely by accident...and it really hit home. I have wondered why I kept having the same problems in my relationships and this book explains it all in an easy to read and understand manner. The author has experienced it and can relate. Most of us have abandoment issues for whatever reason - but this book explains why those of that do, choose people that are going to be unavailable in the end. The best part is that there is a process of changing this pattern!

This is a great book for anyone with a rough track record in relationships, especially codependants and ACOA's. In easy to read and comprehend terms, it explains why many of us do the things we do. The journaling exercises at the back of the book are very helpful and growth producing! Take the time to read it and you probably won't be sorry!

I was shocked to read this. Pia was able to describe exactly what I had been living with and never able to put a label on it before. A great book for anyone tring to figure out why they feel so crazy in their relationship with someone who seems to suffocate and/or with hold love.

Honeslty I didnt think I was a "Love addict " until I finished this book. It was a suggestion made by a close friend. And so I did this book and figured out I was because, yes some didnt apply BUT MOST of it did. Even if you do not have a addition to love it helps with relationships. I highly think this book works for everyone

I have been in SLAA four 4 years now, and this book was a tremendous validation of the behavioral and thought patterns of a love addict. Although the hard, sometimes grueling personal work has to continue, this book brought some extremely useful tools to add to my new "emotional tool-belt". Thanks, Pia!

I read this book and thought it was excellent. Mollody did a great job describing her situation in human details.
I have authored a self-help book that is differs from this one entitled: Confusing Love with Obsession: When You Can't Stop Controlling Your Partner & the Relationship.
John D. Moore

I liked the book and it didn't take long for me to read it. I did not grow up in a home with alcoholism or drug addiction (Other than nicotine), but I was able to relate to a lot of what was written in the book.

I didn't find journaling and the recovery phase at all helpful. I think it's a lot of theory and not enough practical wisdom and the section on making requests for what you want in your partner totally ridiculous. In real life this doesn't work.

The biggest fear that I have in seeing a Counsellor is that I will meet someone who did Counselling because they think they can help people as they found it good for them. Such people in my experience are pretty screwed up, and Pia and her husband are firmly in this camp. If you are a really hard core addict of some sort then this book is probably helpful, it certainly wasn't for me. The only helpful thing I found was a description of someone who avoids intimacy which was a new insight for me. To give you a feeling of how 'whacky' this couple are, they built a 600 sq ft extension, that's the size of a UK apartment JUST for him to put his piles of clothes in as he is unable to find them if he puts them away! Come on, grow up, this is laughable. And, they were proud of this as their compromise solution to solve this problem! There's enough material here for a good sitcom. At the end Pia modestly claims that the book is 10 years ahead of its time, oh dear. It isn't even written in good English. Pia please spare the global public any more of this, continue in therapy yourself, you have some way to go but are making some progress.

i hated this book. blames everything on a screwed up childhood & tells you to get counseling.
the author doesnt offer any other explanation as to why you love people who dont love you back.
dont pay full price for this book if you want to read it.