I Wish I Could Say I Was Sorry

In true Susie Kelly fashion, right from the first page, I was there with her - it's as if I was sitting at her kitchen table and she was recounting her experiences directly to me - face to face - I've never heard what her voice sounds like but I could hear it in my head. Her fluent style and her descriptive writing means that you are transported to the place she's describing and her gently sharp humour has you smiling and sometimes laughing - even through the occasional tear! To see life through Susie Kelly's eyes is a real treat. A lovely book which is a must read not only by her many fans but by everyone who's never plunged into a Susie Kelly book before - it will whet the appetite for the others!

Did not know this was going to be such an enjoyable book when I started. Chose it because it sounded interesting, but turned out to be more than anticipated. A story of a woman's early life with her family, told from the child's view. The adventures she has aren't spectacular, but ring so true and heartfelt. From London, to Africa! The life in Kenya, with her family life going bad. The author tells it like a child would, but not childish at all. Loved all the things she tried, and her spirit. The pets were a part of her story. Good read!

Modestly described as ‘a memoir of life in post-war London, colonial and post-colonial Kenya, and a dysfunctional family’, I must admit I was interested because I was also living in Kenya at the same time as Susie, during the difficult and dangerous transition to independence.

I was delighted with the evocative details on almost every page that took me right back to my childhood. What I didn’t expect was to be put through every emotion from laugh-out-loud humour to heart-wrenching sadness. This is a wonderful recollection of a fascinating life – yet also a story which Susie admits was very difficult for her to write.

One of the unusual benefits of reading on a Kindle is the option to see what other readers have highlighted – and one of the most frequent was the poignant line ‘when people suffer terrible losses they need to have an opportunity to talk about them.’

This book had me gripped from the first page and left me feeling quite emotional at the end. Susie wins my ‘best book of the year’ without hesitation for the quality of her writing and the honesty and truth which makes it such a great read. I highly recommend I Wish I Could Say I Was Sorry and happily award a rare five out of five stars.

Susie Kelly has the gift of an extraordinary memory. We may, in theory, all have this gift. And we may, in theory, all remember—even if only in our dreams.

But Susie Kelly has an additional gift. She has the ability not only to remember, but also to give verbal expression to those memories in extraordinary form.

If you, as a potential reader — and I use that word “potential” advisedly — are not grabbed hook, line and sinker by the first few sentences, move on. Choose another book. This one is not for you.

But if you are hooked, hold on — and ride this story for the life of it.

I would be hard pressed to call Susie Kelly a ‘stylist’— at least not in the traditional sense of the word (although what follows immediately might well prove the exception to my little rule). Nor would I call her a prominent punctuationalist. No, Susie’s style is in the choice of her details to remember and relate, and Susie’s punctuation is in the punctilio of those details.

“I’ll never forget sailing through the Suez Canal. Silhouettes of camels, donkeys, men and children glided by on the palmy sandbanks as the sun folded itself from a brilliant red ball into a sliver that slid gracefully from sight into the blackness of the night.” (Chapter 2)

Reading Chapter One, I’m transported to perhaps my favorite animated video of all time — also British — titled “The Snowman” (1982). If fellow Americans have never seen this video, I can’t stress enough how brilliant and memorable the execution of it is. Comparably brilliant and memorable is the prose of Susie Kelly’s first chapter. If you want to get an idea of what things were like for a young child in war-tinged Britain and on a continent torn and ravaged by the same WWII, this is as good as it gets. We in America who were not soldiers at the time know nothing of these conditions — except through film. We were too busy dancing — then making and exporting to Europe the things that would make us rich. It was a new kind of noblesse oblige — and the noblesse in this case was a burgeoning middle class.

As Spartan as the conditions Susie Kelly describes in post-war Britain might’ve been, one can only venture a guess as to how sub-Spartan they must’ve been on the Continent — in any case, probably too subterranean-Spartan to even venture pen to paper (if either of these two was even available).

Quite apart from rendering these expert descriptions of post-war Britain in the first half of her novel, Ms. Kelly reminds us of how much goes through a child’s mind from first cognition through early adolescence. For those of us who are also parents, this can be a harrowing experience — suggesting, as it does, that the proverbial tabula rasa that is a child’s mind corrects the ‘rasa’ in short order by registering, recording, assimilating, decoding and eventually sitting in judgment long before our little darlings first appear to us to be thinking adults.

We can only hope that those same little darlings don’t possess an ability to recall and report equal to that of Susie Kelly!

I’ll be the first to admit that a lot of the vocabulary, setting and events Ms. Kelly describes during her “Kenya era” would’ve been unintelligible to me had I not first read—then seen the film version of — Isak Dinesen’s Out of Africa many years ago. Is (or was) Susie Kelly the new Baroness Karen von Blixen? No. Susie’s experience of Kenya was not that of a coffee plantation owner; nor was she born of the Danish nobility — and lucky for us it and she were not! While we may — in fantasy — identify with Meryl Streep or Robert Redford, we can — in reality — identify more judiciously with Susie Kelly. And how refreshing it was to read that a pre-adolescent Susie Kelly herself could’ve fantasized about marrying the young tribesman, Arap Rono, out of sheer joy and appreciation of his own joie de vivre — even if already at that tender and innocent age, she recognized the social injunctions against marrying a black.

Did I say earlier that Ms. Kelly isn’t a stylist? Maybe not. But the following paragraph from just past the midpoint of the novel would certainly suggest that she’s quite an adequate and sufficient sensualist!

“I loved Cinderella. I loved the smell of her breath when she’d eaten hay, and the smell of her flesh when she sweated. I loved the smell of her droppings in the straw. I loved the gentle way she took a mint from between my lips and rummaged for more in my pockets with her soft nose. I loved the way her ears pricked as soon as she saw me cycle into the yard, and the soft whickering noise she made to greet me. I loved the way she galloped out into the field when I turned her loose, her head and
tail high in the air, whinnying her pleasure. I loved the way she would see me from a distance and race across the paddock whinnying, jerking to a halt inches before the gate. I loved her spirit, her enthusiasm, her bravery, her willingness, and the wisdom in her dark eyes. I loved the way she stood quietly dozing in the warm afternoons, one hind leg bent, while I sat and read on the straw in her stable.” (Chapter 16)

At about the same point in the book, however, we see how a pair of controlling parents can induce a child into submissiveness. I have to wonder whether this is a foreshadowing of things to come as Susie Kelly grows older…. All we can say at this point is “Thank God for the neighbors!”

In Chapter 17, Susie enters true adolescence — and we shudder at what’s in store (for us as well as for her!). Nature has this funny way of exerting its gravitational pull, and we suspect it’s going to be straight down to the ground. But then, she did name her horse ‘Cinderella’….

At the beginning of Chapter 25, an entirely new chapter in Susie’s life begins: a son is born. If this sounds a bit like that other famous proclamation in Händel’s Messiah, forgive me. But for Susie, we feel, it’s every bit as portentous as she silently invokes the wisdom of Solomon in her battle with an intrusive mother-in-law.

In Formal Logic, you can’t derive a ‘universal’ from an ‘existential.’ In plain English, this means you can’t reach generalized conclusions on the basis of one instance. Good thing, too — because if you could, you might be tempted to conclude, based on Susie’s experience, that marrying into an Italian family would result in slow death by suffocation.

A few chapters later, a second new chapter (in the form of a baby girl) makes its way into Susie’s life. But shortly thereafter, the culture shock of a move back to England — with all of its attendant rudeness of time-cards and work bells for a woman who’d grown used to a gentle, orderly and comforting Kenya — comes knocking at life’s door. As does a husband grown increasingly indifferent, alcohol-centric, and downright hostile.

At this point, I’ll resist the temptation to let a teaser slip through my fingertips and out onto the keyboard and say simply BUY THIS BOOK: you won’t regret it! I WISH I COULD SAY I WAS SORRY is the kind of autobiography we should ALL write — or at least read.

RRB
3/08/14
Brooklyn, NY

Susie is a poor little rich girl who never appreciates what she has and never takes responsibility for her bad choices. She appears to feel superior to blacks, Italians, and anyone else who isn't from the privileged social level that she is from.

I read this in one day. Overall it is a tragic story about a girl born to cold, awkward, unloving parents who abandon her. Her mother walks out on marriage into the arms of another man, her father is saddled with her but promptly ships her off to a convent school full of hateful, abusive nuns. Then she moves back with her wimpy father who is now married to a vicious harpy named Helen. Things get worse as she makes a terrible choice in the man she marries....After a lifetime of being surrounded by toxic people, needless to say she has real problems with self-esteem. I was happy to read at the end that at least she found a decent man and is now happily living in France. What a life up to that point, though. I feel a little shell-shocked having read this story.

The drama of the author's life are, at once, familiar and beyond belief. Her resilience, while being very hard on herself, is a feat not many could accomplish successfully. This story is gut-wrenching. And remarkable.

I gave it four stars because I am still smarting from her pain, and because I would have been even more generous with the supply of commas! And, from my point of view, she is owed many more apologies than she wishes she could give.

Ordinarily, I probably wouldn't have chosen to read a book in this genre, although I do enjoy the occasional autobiography. Having read a few of Susie Kelly's other books, I gave it a try and found this to be arguably the best of them.

Much of this book is set in 1950s-60s Kenya - a place and era I knew virtually nothing about, and it was these parts especially that I felt appeared 'in Technicolor' to me.

Even a 'roughty toughty' bloke like me couldn't help but be swept up by the emotional rollercoaster towards the end. This book must've been utterly exhausting to write. A very decent 4.25* out of 5*.

Books are escapism, and Susie Kelly's books about her adventures and life in France have kept me entertained over the years.

I knew this book was going to be different, but nothing prepared me for its content.

When you see an author's picture, and have followed her escapades, somehow you feel in a way, you know her. This book dispels that illusion. The title is easily understandable, everyone regrets not having the chance to say things, or leaving it too late...

What a story! Written in Susie's extremely honest way, but unlike her other books, in this one, we learn of her childhood in England and Kenya, her life choices and the decisions she has had to make.

An open, heart-rending insight into her life, which I found a compelling read.

After recently reading nearly all Susie Kelly's interesting adventures in France, I was puzzled by a number of her attitudes, opinions and reactions. I often shook my head at the seemingly avoidable fiascos she experienced. I enjoyed her humor and novel descriptions of her experiences, but was frustrated with many decisions she made and the resulting escapades. After reading her frank and moving autobiography, describing the many hardships, deprivation and injustices she survived in her younger life, I grew to admire her greatly and her ability to face life straight on. I especially admired her courage to overcome her fears on her single-minded one woman trek across France! Bon courage, Susie! You go girl!

Susie’s story was at times difficult to read as it hit so close to home. Though she often doubted herself, her confidence to push forward, especially in an age when women often didn’t, was uplifting. I found myself cheering her on. Her adventures give woman of today the sense that we are not alone in our struggles and we can overcome more than we think we can.

Even though this was a sad story about a life between England and Africa ... it had elements that really reminded me of my mother’s story before she met my dad. Born in England and moved to South Africa with a man who thought he was the next great white hunter.

A compelling read even though I felt like it was unfinished and wished for a happier ending ... she seemed ever so lonely ... and we never heard what became of her children ....

I gave this three stars for being easily readable. I like biographies, and I am interested in Kenya and horses. I suppose I was expecting something similar to Flame Trees of Thika, albeit in a later period. There wasn't really all that much about Kenya -- more about the various schools she attended than Kenya life. And a lot about first her dysfunctional parents, and then her dysfunctional marriage, which would have been okay, except the sad tale she told didn't seem to have a point. I don't quite get why she wanted to say she was sorry, when it seemed to me it was her parents, step-parents, husband, etc, who should be apologizing to her. At the end of the book, I was confused as to what happened between her and her father. Clearly the step mother had serious problems. I could understand if she didn't want to keep trying to maintain a relationship with people who continually let her down. But then why title her book as if she had something to apologize for? I was sad for the author - and the book left me sad and disappointed -- but didn't take anything away from it other than that, not much details of Kenyan life, not any lessons learned, not much to recommend it. I felt rather sorry I had read it, given it offered neither information nor much enlightenment, and maybe that's why the author is apologizing, because the feeling after finishing is more of less one of depression.

Spoiler alert

I also don't quite get why she married the husband to bring back her horse, and yet ended up leaving her horse because of the husband.

Growing up was an emotional roller coaster for Susie.So different to anything I could have imagined.I really didn't want to put the book down once I started it.Must have taken a lot of courage for Susie to write some of the things but I am so pleased she did.

What an incredible life -told with such courage and honesty. Memoir is my favorite genre and so when I say this is among my favorites, it is really saying something! I have read several other of Susie's books and have hardly been able to put them down. She captures you from the first line to the last with her warmth, humor and spot on descriptions. Two thumbs up!

I wasn't much into the book at the beginning since I don't know a lot about some of the things Susie talked about. Once I got into the book about Helen, her marriage, her mother-in-law, and kids, I was hooked. I don't know if I missed this or not, but what happened to your children? Do you still see them? I was curious about your life later. Did the kids ever go back to visit their father and grandparents?

I've read all of Susie Kelly's books.
And loved each one and didn't want it to end.
I like her humor, her sense of adventure, her descriptions of places and people. I've learned so much about different places in the world from reading her books. She is also a wonderful historian. Look forward to reading anything New that Susie writes.

Susie Kelly has painted a compellingly readable and beautiful story of her life, starting in the grey of post War London, she soon emigrates with her mother and father to the magical colours and bustle of Kenya. She describes the devastating departure of her mother, and her own return to a Catholic boarding school in the green pastures
of England. When she returns to Kenya four years later, it is to a difficult relationship with her stepmother.
Growing up with the belief her mother abandoned her, it becomes apparent with agonizing hidden truths, that she never did. Susan's willful attention-seeking behavior at home and school, show a truly vulnerable, lost little girl - not a bad girl. Apparent redemption comes when her stepmother buys Susie her beloved Cinderella, the horse that was, and is, the centerfold of her heart. She captures what became her future marriage to not just an Italian, but to the family and the "Mama," with delightful prose, followed by dramatic action with the kidnapping of her children. Filled with emotion, you can feel from the heart, this tale captures your imagination - an oil painting in contrasting colours.

I love books that while reading is like your actually there. Love the story and left me wanting more. The ending was a bummer because I really wanted to know why Helen treated her so ugly. I will most definitely reckoned the book to my friends.

I kept waiting for something exciting to happen, but it was just a story of a life. Still I enjoyed her story of another time and place, and attitudes.
I was constantly baffled by her lack of finding out WHY ... about anything. I found that irritating and felt cheated that there was no resolving the questions, so I can't imagine how she must have felt. I wanted an ending with answers, but I guess this is real life and you don't always get answers.

I reserve five stars for revealing books I would read again. Knowing nothing about the author in advance, I am left with the intense desire to know more about her, read more that she has to say. I know that you will feel the same way.

Loved the author’s voice. She drew me in and I wanted to come back to find out what happened. I admire her strength and courage.
I find parts of the book problematic in that she is a white woman with tremendous privilege who describes her African servants in a very breezy way.

I really did enjoy this book, but the action did not begin until about chapter 7. The book was so interesting that I could not stop reading. It was really sad that she had such a struggle with her family life. If anyone needed to apologize it was not Susan. I would recommend the book to anyone who loves a true story.

Susie Kelly manages to make a heartbreaking story into a beautiful work of art. I Wish I Could Say I’m Sorry is her memoir of growing up in Kenya and moving to England as an adult and mother. She immediately endears readers, making them connect with her as a young girl. I was cheering her on to the very end, hoping this young lady would have a positive turn of luck. Through each difficult challenge Kelly fought back and managed to make a life for her family. It’s really a lovely read.

I liked Susan Kelly's book about about her hike across
France to Switzerland and look forward to reading more
of her travel books. This book is a very sad story , and really
gut wrenching. I am happy that her life following this memoir
has turned out to be much happier,and I wish her all the best.

P G White

BRIMIMGHAM, All

When the story starts it was left on the chair for a few days because it starts out slow but as I continued to read it the story became more interesting and then I couldn't stop .What a most unbelievable story this was. Sad, painful, hopeful. Great read.

I feel sorry for her that she had such a detached childhood and didn't know love and warmth after her parent divorce...that's hard for any child. her exploits didn't seem unusual or particularly alarming. I think based on the description I was expecting something very different, something more triumphant. a reviewer said "A Child Called It meets Out of Africa"...I have to disagree. A Child Called It was a horrific true story of child abuse and attempted child murder with none intervening because in those days what happened in the family stayed in the house. Ms. Kelly certainly had her share of emotional neglect and I'm not trying to minimize that, but I kept thinking what is the point of this story....to be honest I am not fine reading it...I am on chapter 17....so I will update my review once I finish.

I would recommend this book for anyone who likes to look into the lives of other people. She had a lot of love for her family that was not reciprocated. Also it was a good look into Africa society in that time period.

Except for the author and her German employer, everyone else was nuts. They are the ones that should be sorry, not Susie.
I couldn't help but wonder why anyone would move their family to a place that has cobras in the bushes in the back yard or the threat of a native uprising; I don't care how good the weather.
It was frustrating that she didn't demand more answers than she did about her mother and why her children were banned from her father and mean stepmother's home.
The part where Susie and her classmates thought they would adopt a baby from a magazine was hilarious.
So sad when she decided to marry a man to get a ride to work. She needed parental guidance,but there was only selfishness on their part. Her Dad should have seen her talents and potential,but he was always trying to placate his second wife. Everyone was weak,but Susie. I would say it was a good book because it raised my blood pressure up a notch.

I feel sorry for her that she had such a detached childhood and didn't know love and warmth after her parent divorce...that's hard for any child. her exploits didn't seem unusual or particularly alarming. I think based on the description I was expecting something very different, something more triumphant. a reviewer said "A Child Called It meets Out of Africa"...I have to disagree. A Child Called It was a horrific true story of child abuse and attempted child murder with none intervening because in those days what happened in the family stayed in the house. Ms. Kelly certainly had her share of emotional neglect and I'm not trying to minimize that, but I kept thinking what is the point of this story....to be honest I am not fine reading it...I am on chapter 17....so I will update my review once I finish.

I would recommend this book for anyone who likes to look into the lives of other people. She had a lot of love for her family that was not reciprocated. Also it was a good look into Africa society in that time period.

Except for the author and her German employer, everyone else was nuts. They are the ones that should be sorry, not Susie.
I couldn't help but wonder why anyone would move their family to a place that has cobras in the bushes in the back yard or the threat of a native uprising; I don't care how good the weather.
It was frustrating that she didn't demand more answers than she did about her mother and why her children were banned from her father and mean stepmother's home.
The part where Susie and her classmates thought they would adopt a baby from a magazine was hilarious.
So sad when she decided to marry a man to get a ride to work. She needed parental guidance,but there was only selfishness on their part. Her Dad should have seen her talents and potential,but he was always trying to placate his second wife. Everyone was weak,but Susie. I would say it was a good book because it raised my blood pressure up a notch.

Really awful. Though this woman has clearly been through some tough times her voice as a writer only engenders strong dislike. And, as others have mentioned, there's no story. Worst part is that the author is racist and has no idea.

Happy beginning, sad ending. In her life she made some bad choices and I guess we all do. In my old age I look back on my life and wish I could do things differently. Youth is wasted on the young. This is the first book I have read by this author and I will be reading more.

I liked this book very much. The writing isn't elegant but isn't irritating either. It's just a life story simply told with some irony and subtle humor. The title is a bit misleading - I feel like it should be "I wish they had said they were sorry."

I couldn't put this book down! Just spent my night reading it. The trials this poor girl faced absolutely broke my heart. But, just as I would reach the point of crying my eyes out, one of her funny anecdotes would send me into fits of laughter. A must read!

i love the way the author does not portray herself as a victim despite devastating trauma as a child. she never exposes anyone but tells the story of her life with eloquence and sincerity. i couldn't put it down but was also didn't want it to end.best bookbub deal i've ever got!

To say this was for me, un-put-downable is an understatement. I loved every minute of it but despaired at the lack of affection shown to Susie.
Similar comparisons of Toast by Nigel Slater, it must be a second wife syndrome. Throughly recommend this book 5 stars

This is not a book that I can recommend. I have a great objection to the disrespect and blatant lying that permeates this book. The language is vulgar and I can't believe it came from the author as a young child. So much of what she writes seems fictional to me. If you object to vulgarity, don't waste your time with this book.

superficial at best ,nothing in depth of truly believable about most of the story. no one is this stupid all of the time at some point you wake up and smell the roses not just keep saying oh well. i kept reading hoping the storyline would improve but it never happened.waste of time.