The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well - Thanks for the Feedback

This book offered great suggestions about how to receive feedback (including an in-depth analysis of why we can be resistant to feedback, especially depending on who is giving it or the their timing). I purchased the book hoping it would help inform my work in Customer Service, but it seemed to be guided more by personal growth than organizational development. It was great for me to consider but did not meet my needs in developing effective customer service surveys.

This book addresses all angles of feedback....giving and mostly receiving feedback in a way that creates a stronger possibility of clear communication...Great for anyone looking beyond their own window and see communication from new perspectives.

First rate analysis of everyday interactions, with sound, easy to apply advice. Written beautifully. The frequent examples help the reader understand clearly how the authors' approach changes difficult situations into positive experiences. An important read.

Hosting a leadership-oriented podcast causes me to read a lot of business books. This may be an unfair generalization, but my observation is that most books have about 70-100 good pages of content and then a lot of fluff. Much of it is re-baked versions of what we've read elsewhere.

I am happy to say that Thanks for the Feedback was a refreshing departure from that pattern. Well past page 200 I was still underlining and adding notes to the margin. Doug and Sheila are entertaining writers that keep it engagingly practical. Weeks later I'm still actively trying to avoid "wrongspotting" and watching for "labels". The chapter on blindspots is enormously valuable. I'm intentionally trying to seek the coaching in the feedback instead of jumping to evaluation. The book is dense with content yet very readable.

After interviewing Doug for The People and Projects Podcast, I can only more confidently say that the authors have deep knowledge and conviction about this topic. I consider this a must-read for leaders at all levels, and wholeheartedly recommend it for your reading list.

Pop psychology book that could be written in 6 pages instead of 300. Inane examples, presumably meant to make the book accessible, instead make simple common sense advice intolerable. For example, did you know you can't see your own face when you're talking and that alien eye stems might help? Moronic. Maybe worth the skim for a few key ideas but definitely not for a long read. Disappointed.

When I look back on the feedback I have received over the years, I can't think of one time when the feedback was delivered well. It was either nonexistent, rude and unprofessionally given, or not exactly what I was looking to hear (I was seeking coaching but I got praise, or vice versa).

It's easy to point the finger and blame when we receive poorly delivered or inaccurate feedback. But unfortunately like the old quote goes, "You can't control what happens to you, you can only control how you react" which is the attitude and direction that this book takes. Offering various considerations and approaches for the listener to take when receiving feedback because too often we focus on coaching the feedback givers and not the feedback receivers.

This book was absolutely amazing. I am convinced that it altered the outcome of my career. For me feedback is often a very emotional experience because I pride myself in my work, and want to do well. When I hear negative feedback I feel like a failure and when I hear positive feedback I usually well up in tears because it means so much to hear that I am doing a good job. Arguably, I need to get my sh*t together! For that reason I am so glad I came across this book. Unlike most business books that offer a few tidbits of advice, this book was packed from beginning to end with valuable insight. Somehow, the authors managed to take a chaotic emotional experience and turn it into a logical non-chaotic, and often predictable system.

With mid-year reviews right around the corner I wanted to get through this book before I had my one-on-one meeting with my manager. I am so glad that I did because for the first time in my life I feel optimistic and excited about the feedback I am about to receive.

There is one quote from the book that is going to stick with me and I just might hang it in my cube as a daily reminder:

"Feedback isn't just about the quality of the advice or the accuracy of the assessments. It's about the quality of the relationship, your willingness to show that you don't have it all figured out, and to bring your whole self - flaws, uncertainties, and all - into the relationship." - Thanks For the Feedback

Obviously, this doesn't sound like an adventure laden caper across many continents with gangsters. For a self-help book, this has a contemporary voice and useful information. You'll learn:

- What to do when feedback feels like an attack on our identity
- When to take the feedback vs. create boundaries/change it all up.
- How to create a system that measures what kind of hold feedback has on your life
- How to re-direct unhelpful feedback.

Excellent book -the title really accurately describes the topic of the book, which is a very thorough psychological, social and cultural dissection of what feedback is, how to process it, why we often fail to take it to heart, and what can be done to make the most of it. And for the vast majority of us that are on both the giving and receiving end of feedback, this book helps delineate the different types of feedback (I never thought about how there were different types except criticism and praise! And that's the problem) and how to give it more effectively. One big thing that resonated with me was that the three types of feedback - coaching, evaluation, and appreciation - serve different purposes and can cause trouble when there is dissonance between what the receiver and giver are trying to accomplish. For example, being told that you're doing a "great job -keep up the good work" - when you are specifically asking for ways you can be more efficient is often dissatisfying- it's not being ungrateful, it's getting appreciation when you wanted coaching. I felt that as a medical resident this book was useful in terms of guiding conversations with mentors and also in giving feedback to the students I work with. It will help you make the most of your evaluations and help you digest and defuse the often strong emotions that come with getting feedback. I would wholeheartedly recommend this book to anyone who manages people or has ever found themselves blindsided by a performance meeting. Great read.

At a time when the blame game seems ever more popular, this book's comprehensive primer on how to get beyond finger pointing into joint accountability is really compelling, humbling, hopeful, digestible... and filled with humor. How often have you wished that a friend, relative, partner, teacher, employer, client, colleague, political opponent could take (or at least hear) your feedback, without reacting, dismissing, defending, collapsing, tit-for-tat-ing... or walking away? How often have you avoided giving feedback because you didn't know how to do that skillfully, or did not trust the other person could handle it, or simply could not afford to take the risks involved? And, how is your capacity to receive poorly delivered feedback, and use it constructively? I am entranced with this book below, loving all it's teaching me that I wish I had learned long ago, and also grateful for all the chuckles the audible version is giving me. Humor is a really potent digestive enzyme!

The performance evaluation: every person whose had a job for more than six months has been there…captively sitting and listening to a laundry list of your faults or the infuriating, “You’re doing great,” with nothing added for improvement. Or the worst—the “feed-back sandwich”—where your faults are wedged in between what you do well. The entire time, you are frozen in fear. Then, you stew over the negative things said about you. Then you complain about what a waste of time it’s all been. Managers and supervisors are often trained, workshopped, and coached about how to give good feedback. But the work is lost if the person they are evaluating isn’t receptive.

Thanks for the Feedback is vital for anyone who wants to learn how to be better—a better parent, a better spouse, a better employee—because it teaches how to accept various kinds of feedback. This is not instructions on how to grow thicker skin, though. Stone and Heen use their own experience as consultants and Harvard lecturers and copious amounts of research in organizational behavior and psychology to explain exactly what feedback is and why it’s so hard for us to do anything constructive with it. In the first part of the book, the authors explain different types of feedback (appreciation, coaching, and evaluation). Then, they take us through the “triggers” that cause us to react badly to feedback (truth triggers, relationship triggers, identity triggers). Once we understand exactly what they have learned is going through our minds when we hear feedback, they explain what to do about it. They share conversation techniques, negotiation suggestions, and lots of problem solving tricks.

This book is an excellent combination of popular psychology, self-help, relationship advice, and career building. I recommend it for anyone who has a serious desire to improve their communication and listening skills. Or for anyone with a performance evaluation coming up.

Your app’s user interface is terrible. Your business plan is flawed. Your budget is unrealistic. Your code isn’t efficient. Clients are unhappy with your interpersonal skills. Your meetings are too long. You don’t seem to get along with your developers. You are hard to work with. You are being kicked off the task force because you aren’t adding any value. The tone of your e-mail was too informal. Your department is being given to someone else. No, we won’t need you for this project.

We all get feedback. Usually it’s a combination of good and bad. There’s praise and helpful criticism. Sometimes the feedback is about our company, sometimes about our project, sometimes about our team, and sometimes, well, about us. Sometimes we take the feedback in good stride. Other times, we get hurt and angry—and don’t listen. Speaking for myself, I tend to get defensive when given feedback that’s less than glowingly effusive.

A short book published by Harvard Business Review, called “Thanks for the Feedback,” can help you own the feedback you receive.

“In the realm of feedback, the receiver—not the giver—is the key player in the exchange. Here’s how to become a world-class receiver,” write Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen, founders of Triad Consulting Group. The pair teach negotiation at Harvard Law School, and have written a couple of great books. In "Thanks for the Feedback," you'll learn how to achieve some important benefits:

• Take charge of your life-long learning: When we get better at receiving feedback, we take charge of our own learning and can accelerate our growth.

• Improve your relationships: The way we handle feedback has an impact on our relationships.

• Reduce stress and anxiety: For the more sensitive among us, there’s one more important benefit: getting better at receiving feedback reduces stress and anxiety.

The authors say that "It’s only natural to evaluate feedback, determine what is accurate and inaccurate, and then focus on what we see as inaccurate. Indeed, you can find something wrong with just about any feedback you get. Maybe it doesn’t address the constraints you’re under, it’s outdated, biased, coming from only a few people, or only part of the story. The problem is, when we focus on what’s wrong with the feedback, we lose sight of what might be right about it; and there is also almost always something right about it."

They continue: "Receiving feedback well doesn’t mean that you always have to take the feedback or agree with the assessment. But it does mean engaging in order to first truly understand the feedback, and then deciding what to do about it."

Receiving feedback is something we do every day. The feedback might be about us from our managers. It might be about products from customer comments left on an open forum, or sent via Twitter. Feedback can be elating—everyone loves a five-star review on the store! It can also be painful and debilitating. As developers, techies, managers and humans, let’s get better at receiving it.

I originally purchased this book in order to navigate difficult reviews and conversations from my supervisor, yet the content within "Thanks for the Feedback" is applicable to almost every interaction and conversation I have throughout the day. It has made me more patient, a better listener, less reactive when I receive negative feedback, and in general a more effective communicator.

I don't know how many times the things I learned from this book have helped me navigate away from fruitless and frustrating conversations - they are probably too many to count! You'll learn how to stay in dialogue in tough conversations, redirect a conversation that is going off the rails, and help colleagues get perspective on, "What's right with this feedback" when they are complaining to you about an unfair review or situation.

Bottom line: if you want to grow in your ability to navigate the ocean of feedback we swim in every day, this book is for you.

The authors explain the dynamics of feedback. There are
a number of contexts for providing feedback. These include
appreciation, coaching and evaluation.

The more difficult feedback to give is in evaluation. In fact,
some people like to think that this step can be omitted in
favor of showing appreciation or coaching.

The authors explain the shortfalls of each delivery medium
so that the receiver can get the maximum benefit. Ultimately,
the purpose of giving input or feedback is to inform the
receiver about the status of performance related observations.

Coaching s a very important feedback tool because the
receiver can get more knowledge or skill related directly
to the tasks being performed on a continuous basis.
In addition, coaching helps to formulate goals, align
targets and close the feedback loop on unanswered
questions or unarticulated problems.

Overall, "Thanks For The Feedback" is a helpful
management tool for aligning performance with
expectations and receiver goal congruency.

The authors successfully tackle the important but often stressful topic of receiving and giving feedback. They build on key principles they laid out (along with Bruce Patton) in their earlier Difficult Conversations. And once again, they offer powerful, practical, and good-humored advice that applies no matter which side of the desk you happen to be on.

Performance reviews are often botched, they say, when three conversations get tangled up. One is about appreciation, so that an employee is motivated and encouraged. That’s quite different from coaching, which is aimed instead at skill development and personal growth. And both of those differ from evaluation--rating where someone stands relative to peers and what he or she needs to do to advance.

At first blush readers may recognize echoes of important distinctions drawn in the earlier book between interactions over substance, feelings, and identities. (Miscommunication results when people talk past one another because they are on different planes). Performance reviews certainly have substantive, emotional, and identity dimensions, so can suffer from the same problem.

But the focus in this book is largely on how feedback within an organization introduces other complicating factors (such as power imbalances, culture, etc.) The authors also couple more recent research findings on emotional intelligence, nonverbal communication, and other important psychological research, with useful examples workplace conversations, both constructive and otherwise. Underneath the specific advice, I sensed warm encouragement about playing an affirmative role in the review, even if you are in the subordinate position. Much more is at stake than merely struggling through a stressful conversation. It's about being respected and supported in your organization, personal growth, and have a fulfilling professional career.

Unfortunately we aren't always blessed with great mentors. And even well-intended bosses may not have given much thought about providing good feedback. If you're working for someone who's not deft in this regard, buy two copies. One for yourself and another to leave it on his or her desk (perhaps being careful not leave any fingerprints).

A lot has been written about how to deliver feedback “effectively". However, regardless of how you deliver it, if the recipient is not open to it, you’re not going to get very far. Instead, what if we focused on the recipient - i.e. how do we receive feedback effectively, instead of delivering it? Instead of treating feedback as an attack on our identity, values, or rolling our eyes because the other person "did not understand our motives", what if we were able to cut through all that and take the others perspective, even if just for a few moments?

Stone and Heen provide a lot of common pitfalls and practical tips on how to become a better recipient: “switch lane conversations” where we talk past each other; identifying types of feedback (appreciation, coaching, evaluation) that is being delivered or asked for; identifying our knee-jerk reactions to receiving “constructive” feedback; and so on. This book will make you uncomfortable, and that’s a good thing, as it challenges our habits, beliefs, and reactions to receiving feedback… and assuming you’re willing to listen to it, it will go a long way towards improving both your personal and professional lives. Great insights, and a book worth sharing with your peers and loved ones.

A must read for anyone who interacts with others--that is everyone for that part. Feedback is just that; a statement that we receive in a formal setting or nonchalant. Giving feedback as the two authors state can be rewarding for others as well as you "the giver", or it can be horrific as well, either way. Three takes on that-- helping you, helping themselves/the relationship and helping an origination/team.
The book is filled with information, stories on getting better results from/on feedback--the best statement in the book was " The ability to learn from feedback is what will shape your future most". The book really sets in motion the importance of understanding and giving feedback in a positive tone. "A good listener asks for help". They touch on leadership, coaching, mentoring, teams, one on one and creating a better quality relationship with others. Excellent book for the work place, sports, school and home front.

I originally purchased this book in order to navigate difficult reviews and conversations from my supervisor, yet the content within "Thanks for the Feedback" is applicable to almost every interaction and conversation I have throughout the day. It has made me more patient, a better listener, less reactive when I receive negative feedback, and in general a more effective communicator.

I don't know how many times the things I learned from this book have helped me navigate away from fruitless and frustrating conversations - they are probably too many to count! You'll learn how to stay in dialogue in tough conversations, redirect a conversation that is going off the rails, and help colleagues get perspective on, "What's right with this feedback" when they are complaining to you about an unfair review or situation.

Bottom line: if you want to grow in your ability to navigate the ocean of feedback we swim in every day, this book is for you.

The authors explain the dynamics of feedback. There are
a number of contexts for providing feedback. These include
appreciation, coaching and evaluation.

The more difficult feedback to give is in evaluation. In fact,
some people like to think that this step can be omitted in
favor of showing appreciation or coaching.

The authors explain the shortfalls of each delivery medium
so that the receiver can get the maximum benefit. Ultimately,
the purpose of giving input or feedback is to inform the
receiver about the status of performance related observations.

Coaching s a very important feedback tool because the
receiver can get more knowledge or skill related directly
to the tasks being performed on a continuous basis.
In addition, coaching helps to formulate goals, align
targets and close the feedback loop on unanswered
questions or unarticulated problems.

Overall, "Thanks For The Feedback" is a helpful
management tool for aligning performance with
expectations and receiver goal congruency.

The authors successfully tackle the important but often stressful topic of receiving and giving feedback. They build on key principles they laid out (along with Bruce Patton) in their earlier Difficult Conversations. And once again, they offer powerful, practical, and good-humored advice that applies no matter which side of the desk you happen to be on.

Performance reviews are often botched, they say, when three conversations get tangled up. One is about appreciation, so that an employee is motivated and encouraged. That’s quite different from coaching, which is aimed instead at skill development and personal growth. And both of those differ from evaluation--rating where someone stands relative to peers and what he or she needs to do to advance.

At first blush readers may recognize echoes of important distinctions drawn in the earlier book between interactions over substance, feelings, and identities. (Miscommunication results when people talk past one another because they are on different planes). Performance reviews certainly have substantive, emotional, and identity dimensions, so can suffer from the same problem.

But the focus in this book is largely on how feedback within an organization introduces other complicating factors (such as power imbalances, culture, etc.) The authors also couple more recent research findings on emotional intelligence, nonverbal communication, and other important psychological research, with useful examples workplace conversations, both constructive and otherwise. Underneath the specific advice, I sensed warm encouragement about playing an affirmative role in the review, even if you are in the subordinate position. Much more is at stake than merely struggling through a stressful conversation. It's about being respected and supported in your organization, personal growth, and have a fulfilling professional career.

Unfortunately we aren't always blessed with great mentors. And even well-intended bosses may not have given much thought about providing good feedback. If you're working for someone who's not deft in this regard, buy two copies. One for yourself and another to leave it on his or her desk (perhaps being careful not leave any fingerprints).

A lot has been written about how to deliver feedback “effectively". However, regardless of how you deliver it, if the recipient is not open to it, you’re not going to get very far. Instead, what if we focused on the recipient - i.e. how do we receive feedback effectively, instead of delivering it? Instead of treating feedback as an attack on our identity, values, or rolling our eyes because the other person "did not understand our motives", what if we were able to cut through all that and take the others perspective, even if just for a few moments?

Stone and Heen provide a lot of common pitfalls and practical tips on how to become a better recipient: “switch lane conversations” where we talk past each other; identifying types of feedback (appreciation, coaching, evaluation) that is being delivered or asked for; identifying our knee-jerk reactions to receiving “constructive” feedback; and so on. This book will make you uncomfortable, and that’s a good thing, as it challenges our habits, beliefs, and reactions to receiving feedback… and assuming you’re willing to listen to it, it will go a long way towards improving both your personal and professional lives. Great insights, and a book worth sharing with your peers and loved ones.

A must read for anyone who interacts with others--that is everyone for that part. Feedback is just that; a statement that we receive in a formal setting or nonchalant. Giving feedback as the two authors state can be rewarding for others as well as you "the giver", or it can be horrific as well, either way. Three takes on that-- helping you, helping themselves/the relationship and helping an origination/team.
The book is filled with information, stories on getting better results from/on feedback--the best statement in the book was " The ability to learn from feedback is what will shape your future most". The book really sets in motion the importance of understanding and giving feedback in a positive tone. "A good listener asks for help". They touch on leadership, coaching, mentoring, teams, one on one and creating a better quality relationship with others. Excellent book for the work place, sports, school and home front.

While a book on feedback may not appear at first to have the same broad appeal as the authors' earlier bestseller (with co-author Roger Fisher), "Difficult Conversations," "Thanks for the Feedback" is in my opinion even better. It's clear that Stone and Heen have learned a lot more about what works and what doesn't in the 15 years since "Difficult Conversations" came out. Their advice here is wiser and more insightful than the (already excellent) advice provided in the earlier book.

Unlike most self-help and management-advice titles, "Thanks for the Feedback" does not consist of a couple of good ideas that are padded out to make a book. Here, the great ideas keep coming and coming, right through to the final chapter. (Believe it or not, it IS possible to write 300 pages of original material on how to deal with feedback.) The authors provide extremely practical advice that anyone can put into use, including a terrific chapter on how to "manage" a conversation. They also make connections -- in a completely natural, unforced way -- between feedback and various issues that are central to anyone's life.

I honestly don't think it's an exaggeration to say that this is a life-changing book.

A must read for anyone who interacts with others--that is everyone for that part. Feedback is just that; a statement that we receive in a formal setting or nonchalant. Giving feedback as the two authors state can be rewarding for others as well as you "the giver", or it can be horrific as well, either way. Three takes on that-- helping you, helping themselves/the relationship and helping an origination/team.
The book is filled with information, stories on getting better results from/on feedback--the best statement in the book was " The ability to learn from feedback is what will shape your future most". The book really sets in motion the importance of understanding and giving feedback in a positive tone. "A good listener asks for help". They touch on leadership, coaching, mentoring, teams, one on one and creating a better quality relationship with others. Excellent book for the work place, sports, school and home front.

Written by university professors, there are parts of this book that do read as a textbook.
Overall the discussion takes us deeper and the examples are interesting.
I wish I could have had others to discuss the material with as I read the book.

Within these pages are references to their previous book, Difficult Conversations.
I feel I may have gotten even more from this book had I read the prior one previously.

The first sentence on page 1 of the book already hooked me to read on: "We swim in an ocean of feedback" - a true and apt statement. Like his previous book which I had in my personal library of quality books by quality authors, Douglas Stone has been consistent in providing excellent quality books like this one with Sheila Heen.

In my coaching workshops, I usually ask the question: which is more difficult? Giving or Receiving feedback? I obtained a mixed response. This book focused on the recipient of feedback. I would think that receiving feedback and not knowing how to respond to it is indeed painful. Managers lack the skills of how to give and receive feedback in dealing with poor job performance. How true it is for the authors to single out the lack of courage of managers when providing feedback.

It is an interesting book to look closely at the receiving end of feedback.

Who would have imagined there is so much to learn about giving and receiving feedback. This is a MUST READ for anyone interested in helping self and others be successful. Applicable in all settings. I plan to reread and use as a reference book. I highlight new and novel ideas, I have highlights on almost every page. One of my favorite new books as we are trying get to improve our observations and improve coaching as we work towards a positive culture change. So many great insights-we have been "coaching" all wrong and we were wondering why we weren't getting the results we wanted. For example besides coaching, appreciation, or evaluation is often the better response. Stock full of great infomation. I'm going to suggest this book be included in our leadership read list.

This book is horribly slow and ineffective. It bothers me to not finish a book; however, after powering through the first 50 pages or so, I just couldn't continue. I stopped immediately and placed the book for sale. I never do that.

It seems like this book would have made for an interesting article perhaps a business magazine or on the Huffington Post and then the authors decided to stretch out 5 pages of information into 300 pages. There are other sources to get the gist of the book that will take you minutes to find and read. Reading a book is an investment of your time; don't waste it on this one.

Perfect book in every way! I read lots of books and rarely does one move me to the extent that I have to go on the store to write a review. I am making an extra effort to write this review because after the carefully crafted review I just wrote, I lost connection and had to start all over. So the short version is that this book has useful, new and credible content and equally impressive is that it's delivered with humor and truth about human dynamics that I hadn't considered or put to words before. If you want to improve your relationships, your influence on others and your life, read this book! ...Is all I'm sayin'

Amazingly clear insights that ring true on a personal and organizational level. Some have noted that the narration is monotone - I found it wonderfully easy to listen to and dramatic segments are interspersed at a reasonable level to add story interest and reality. Understated humor at every turn left me LOL while running and listening on Audible - have "prescribed" this book for all of our 5 children and they are already using it against me to benefit for all of us! :) Plan to do a book review presentation on this at one of our monthly lunch and learn programs for project management international. one of my top 10 useful books for the last few years - probably #2 behind Scrum by Jeff Sutherland. The only caveat is for the listener - there are tons of action points and steps - a little overwhelming at times - but not if we just take a few on at a time or even ONE!

I used to think I was great at communicating and sensitive to the feelings of others. This book shone a bright light on where I need work and how to talk about my perception of different kinds of feedback. Essential reading for any business professional or anyone in a relationship.

Excellent book full of practical advice. It's so good, I bought it after reading a library copy.

Gives you a framework for understanding and dealing with feedback. And it doesn't promote being a pushover.

As an instructional coach for a public school district in Colorado, I have been looking for the missing link to enhance the comprehensive training I have received in coaching. I am proud that education has become innovative enough to embrace coaching--a higher form of encouragement for improving instruction. But we are stuck in Phase One. Spending money to instruct coaches is just support for "one side of the desk." Phase Two would instruct teachers to know how to negotiate the coaching considerations that districts are providing and that is what Thanks for the Feedback (Stone and Heen) does elegantly and effectively. If school districts would consider this missing link, we could again be on track for improving academic achievement. I feel that this book is indispensable in the library of every school who wishes " to promote a culture of learners."

Giving and receiving feedback elicit strong emotions. Stone and Heen provide frameworks for understanding, accepting, and delivering feedback. One example is their division of feedback into Appreciation, Coaching, and Evaluation along with insights into how we label behavior and the role of relationships in receiving feedback. In more than 30 years of working on performance appraising, feedback, and teaching these topics around the world, this is by far the most valuable and practical book I've encountered and I recommend to anyone in business or in relationships.

We're all busy people. This book wastes the readers' time with redundancy and bloat. The ideas and concepts in this book could have been accomplished in an efficient three page paper. There are plenty of good resources that present the same material in just a few pages.