I Feel Guilty, When I Say No

This is an amazing book. I definitely benefited from the Dr. Smith's ideas about the need for being assertive and his explanations of how to develop the skills to do so. And, his example dialogs are great. It's slightly outdated in terms of some of the examples, and Smith is slightly sexist towards men in some of his examples, e.g. suggesting that a man has a problem if he doesn't want his wife or girlfriend flirting with other men. I will read it again in the near future.

This book is a great read for anyone interested in assertiveness, communication, understanding the dynamics of behavior, and other things!! it's filled with exercises, dialogues, examples, and explanations of how most people "think" , speak, and behave... I wish all humans would read and study this book... there would be very little confusion, blame, guilt, no more fights, people would speak truth, and be accountable for their own feelings, behaviors and actions... It's a great book, great price, and easy to read.

I’ve rarely thought that a self-help book deserved a low rating (or did more damage than good), but I feel compelled to warn others about this book should they hope it helps them explore their feeling of guilt, and learn how to say “no” not only assertively but with grace.

So here I am, assertively asserting my right to dislike this book, mainly because:

1) FONT AND PAGE SETTING: Every single page is literally filled (from top to bottom and from tiny margin to tiny margin) with tiny, blurry font type. Except in the never-ending dialogs included to illustrate long perplexing analysis, there’re hardly any line/paragraph breaks anywhere in the book. Unless you’re spellbound by the author’s pompous style, it makes the book very hard to read.

2) TITLE-CONTENTS DISCREPANCY: Despite what the title claims, the book hardly explores the reasons behind one’s feeling of guilt when saying “no” (self-esteem, education, culture, etc.), or how one might work on that, and instead focusses on learning on how to manipulate manipulators (because, you see, you’re either a manipulator or the non-assertive victim of a manipulator; there’s simply nothing in between). Not what I expected, but maybe I should have paid more attention to the 1-star reviews…

3) MISOGYNIC WORK: Except for a couple of examples where a woman is taught to manipulate her husband into having more or a different kind of sex, or letting her work even though she should probably spend more time on housework (go for it, you, modern woman!), I feel the book often portrays women as nagging bitches who need to be put in their place through assertiveness (you gotta love the example of the “nagging” wife asking her husband not to drop his dirty clothes all over the floor, and her husband asserting his right that he doesn’t have to care about how she feels and can do whatever he wants! Or the example of the wife who wants to talk about couple issues and ends up agreeing that her husband should put her in her place more often!). If a woman happens to have vulvodynia or another medical issue affecting her sex life, then she clearly must suffer from psycho-induced frigidity – which fortunately can be cured through assertiveness therapy (huh?). And let’s not forget the multiple-page dialog about the husband assertively convincing his wife to become a nudist to spice up their sex life (because seeing other women naked will turn him on – everyone knows that’s why you become a nudist!)

4) LONG, POINTLESS, CONFUSING ANALYSES: The book seems to be filled with long analyses that go nowhere. Granted, English isn’t my first language (it’s actually my third) but honestly: Shouldn’t the text have something to do with the subject at hand? Or at least, shouldn’t the reader be able to follow the writer’s thought and understand how it relates to the point at hand? I recall an entire page dedicated to toilet etiquette (or rather lack thereof) in public urinals. To illustrate what point? I can’t recall. Case in point.

5) ENDLESS DIALOGS: I’m all for “hands-on” material to illustrate specific points (especially if they break the endless monotony of page after page of condensed font), but the dialogs used to illustrate the assertiveness techniques are excruciatingly long – as long as 12 pages! And unless you shop only in stores with poor customer service, or have a wife who won’t acknowledge that she’s the problem, then you may find them somewhat repetitive (after all, how many times can you illustrate three assertiveness techniques over 324 pages without sounding repetitive?), and not very useful in your particular situation. Although to be fair, there are 34 dialogs in the book, and not all of them are about uncooperative salesmen or nagging wives.

6) WHEN WAS ASSERTIVENESS EVER A “CURE”? According to the book, all problems are about lacking assertiveness and assertiveness therapy can cure everything. From drug addiction to libido issues, to children not being the little grown-ups you want them to be, to difficult situations with salesmen/bosses/employees/fill the blank: Assertiveness therapy is the answer. Become a master manipulator in 10 easy classes! Thank to assertiveness training, the police may arrest you if you do something wrong, but they will no longer search your car or frisk you! Yeah!

In conclusion: This book was painful to read on many levels. It’s possible that 40+ years ago (when it was written and published), it made more sense to people (men in particular), but that’s a far cry from being a classic, and I doubt it’s been the “#1 Seller on Assertiveness Training” for several decades.

That being said, it’s got some redeeming qualities including a bill of assertive rights (some of which actually not detrimental to other people or relationships), and the description –albeit painful– of classic assertiveness methods such as “the broken record”. However, if you’d like to save yourself many hours of reading, simply read the following:

1) You’re entitled to say “no” when you don’t feel like saying “yes” (no argument from me here!)

2) In case of opposition, just keep repeating your initial request [BROKEN RECORD] until the other party gives in, and trust that even if you lose the battle, you’ll feel better about yourself.

3) If you’re not manipulating someone, they’re manipulating you, so you might as well become the manipulator!

4) If you’re a man and think your wife is a nagging bitch, you’re right! And now, thanks to this book, you can assertively convince her to see herself as one too!!!

Life is good, indeed.

The book offers some practical ways to be assertive in different situations. The dialogues in the book are quite useful to illustrate the different strategies. For some situations, specifically doing a job interview, I thought the "I am mad because.." was probably not the most appropriate way to approach the situation as it comes off a little immature. The other issue I had with the book was the use of profanity as it really is not necessary nor does it have a place in this type of book.

This book is a bit outdated in style and stories, but the content is as applicable as ever. From the first reading of only a few pages, I was able to start seeing my interactions in a different way. What I enjoy about this book is that it explains that we all learn how to manipulate to get what we want, and that realizing this puts no one at fault.

This knowledge can empower us to take more responsibility for our interactions and our life as awareness is the first step. Secondly, the tools it outlines are really a new way of thinking and viewing the world. Since we try to manipulate others also, the third step is knowing how to influence our world without manipulating others.

Very enjoyable empowering my life through reading this book.

Although I did slightly benefit from this reading, I feel I would need lots of classroom practice with the techniques because they do not come naturally. The author kept referring to his students in his classes leading me to believe it must really take some time to engrain these ideas.

I also found the book to be verbose and wished it had bit of a cut-to-the-chase aspect to it.

Assertiveness. Most psychology books describe the issue but don't tell what to do about it. This does. I originally read this over 30 years ago, and have discussed and recommended it since. I recently purchased a fresh hard copy for myself, and Kindle editions for myself and others. More than an all-about book, this is a how-to book. No wonder that it's a classic and still in print. Go for it.

I'm using it to organize a training on assertiveness and boundary setting for clinical staff. It puts a name on many skills and gives many good examples, including transcripts of conversations. It's very easy to follow and absorb the lessons and concepts. Some of the language and situations are a little bit dated, but it's easy to translate to any situation as the skills that are introduced are timeless.

Brilliant book for people like me, who don't know how to say no. Can help people who want to set boundaries but don't know how. Sets you free by giving you an assertive bill of rights! You can say I don't care! You are free to make mistakes if you choose. You are free to say I don't know. This can help you stop manipulating others, and stop them from manipulating you. It is a great book, and I'd like to read it again. I feel like it should be required reading for.. everyone! It really helped me, and I think anyone who reads it will get something out of it.

This was helpful for me during a confrontation. It was also a helpful tool when I needed to express my idea and my point of view without being disrespectful. There are some parts of the system that I thought was somewhat harsh if you're a beginner in this field. But overall a great concrete help for some of us that have passive - aggressive issues.

Excellent guidance on diffusing difficult situations. Wish he had death more with close familiar relationships that you definitely want to keep restored. My friend loaned it to me when my daughter-in-law suddenly become very angry with me, and very shortly after, I ordered my own copy.

The books was interesting but difficult to practice on my own. I worked with a therapist to do that. The basic concepts helped me figure out how to handle those times that I want to say no but feel uncomfortable doing so. It's helped me quite a bit.

I ordered this book through my phone, which is so much easier than lugging it around. This book has really made me come to some realizations and changed my life! Definitely would refer this book to a friend or a few!

A friend recommended this book to me, as she knows I have trouble saying "no" without feeling guilty. As I started reading this book I was terribly disappointed and found it disturbing. Having attended therapy in the past, I found that this author promoted behavior and ideas that were in direct conflict to the work I'd previously done. If I were to treat someone in the manner this book advocates I would feel guilty for mistreating them. This book was not for me. Perhaps someone else might find it helpful.