The Indispensable Personality Profiles That Reveal How to Make Your Life Better (and Other People's Lives Better

Great read and fun framework. I listen to the podcast so didn't think there would me much more to learn. Awesome to have it all in one place. I use this framework a lot. It doesn't fit every situation but handy and helpful.

Playing well with others is important. We need all the help we can get. Understanding how the other person responds to a situation allows us to fine tune our response so that it syncs up with theirs. This is a very general overview but it can be helpful.

Well, just brilliant what else can be said?? Now I know I'm a soft rebel trying to act like an Obliger because I don't like to be labeled. I will try these suggestions for helping me accomplish the goals in my life

The author opens the book with the observation, “They say there are two kinds of people in the world: those who divide the world into two kinds of people, and those who don’t… I’m definitely the first kind.”

In this case, however, Rubin divides the world into Four Tendencies, which she classifies as Upholders, Questioners, Obligers, and Rebels, based on how people respond to both inner and outer (external) expectations.

The result is a graphic of four overlapping circles. “When I mapped the complete system on a sheet of paper, in four symmetrical overlapping circles, my framework showed the elegance of a fern frond or a nautilus shell.” If you are an Upholder, as the author admits she is, you will undoubtedly agree and will love this book.

That’s not to say the rest of us won’t. Or that there is anything wrong with her model. It struck me as valid, as far as it goes.

In fairness, she doesn’t claim it is the be all, end all. “No single system can capture human nature in all of its depth and variety.” The author readily acknowledges the appearance of similarity between her framework and other popular models like Myers-Briggs and the Social Styles Model developed by Reid and Merrill.

There is a school of science that holds that a claim cannot, by definition, be scientific, if it is not falsifiable. And, by definition, none of these models are. Everyone can be classified into the one of the Four Tendencies if those classifications are far enough up the hierarchy of context. The question is, so what?

The author argues that the model will help people to better understand themselves and others that they work with, are married to, etc. And that this is a good thing. I have no quarrel with the utmost importance of either objective. From that perspective this is a great book and is well worth your time and investment.

I admit that I personally put a lot of stock in context. Which is why I think, contrary to popular perception, that history has less to teach us than we might imagine. The context is always different.

In this case, therefore, while I readily accept that there is a class of people who are full of questions, I am inclined to ask why. And it is here that the value of the book starts to thin out.

The book is very well written. You would expect nothing less from someone who was the editor in chief of the Yale Law Review and clerked for a Supreme Court justice. It may be the most methodically structured book I’ve ever read, although I just finished a book where the author speaks through different people, so that perception might be the timing.

One thing I did take exception with was the notion that, “Our tendencies are hardwired… We bring these Tendencies into the world with us.” That may be true, but I’m skeptical, in large part, I admit, due to my own world view.

I also took umbrage with the comment, “Poor diet, inactivity, alcohol and prescription drug abuse, and smoking are among the leading causes of illness and death in the United States—all behaviors that are within our conscious control.” The truth or falsity of that last statement will turn on her definition of conscious control, of course, but I think the average addict may wince at the suggestion.

Imbuing awareness of the Four Tendencies with the power of curing, or even impacting, things like addiction, moreover, is a disservice to the extent that it is not successful and delays the addict’s pursuit of other models of recovery.

And there is a downside, I think, to all such simple/straightforward classifications. They can rationalize behaviors that may be ingrained, but not necessarily appropriate in any given circumstance. Many of the testimonials offered by people who have been exposed to the Four Tendencies are essentially, “Now I understand why I do what I do. I’m okay.” To the extent that this contributes to the epidemic of, “I’m okay, you’re the problem” in society today, it will not help to move us collectively forward.

The author clearly cautions against such usage of the model, but secondary cautions are never 100% effective. If a journalist subsequently provides a clarification to a previous article, the original misinterpretation will still yield a life of its own in most cases.

The bountiful and very supportive testimonials contribute to the perceived accuracy and primacy of the Four Tendencies model. It must be remembered, however, that this is not the equivalent of peer-reviewed research. The testimonials are handpicked.

All told, the Four Tendencies may help some people to understand themselves and others around themselves better. This, however, should be a springboard to greater self-reflection, not an excuse with which to rationalize actions that contribute to disfunction in the workplace or home.

Great read. Fantastic dive into the four tendencies often mentioned on the podcast- some review for fans but plenty of new info and details to make it a worth read. I would also recommend this to anyone looking to know themselves better and work on harmonizing your life.

Great read. Fantastic dive into the four tendencies often mentioned on the podcast- some review for fans but plenty of new info and details to make it a worth read. I would also recommend this to anyone looking to know themselves better and work on harmonizing your life.

Love Gretchen Rubin's writings & podcasts. I originally stumbled upon her podcasts & am so glad I did. This book has informative insights into human behavior & is not judgemental or preachy. Highly recommend!!!

This book was so helpful to me in understanding myself better as well as my spouse, children, and coworkers! It has helped me change the framework from which I approach topics with my family especially - for the better!

Gretchen Rubin is a master at delivering interesting content in a simple and concise manner. The Four Tendencies will help you better understand and strengthen relationships with those you care about...including yourself. BRAVO!

So, OK. In this book, Gretchen Rubin asserts that she's uncovered THE key to human behavior using a somewhat scientific process. The thing is, the process that she describes isn't all that scientific. Three key issues:

1. The sample. The sample of people from whom Rubin derives the 4 tendencies includes only those people who read her blog/website and took the initial quiz. Is this a representative sample of the population? Doubtful. They're people who were already following/consuming Rubin's work.
2. The analysis. It seems that Rubin alone analyzed the survey responses from which she derived the 4 tendencies. No one else read through the responses to make sure that what Rubin herself saw in the data is actually there. It's quite easy to read your own bias into qualitative data of this sort.
3. The application/interpretation. In my view, the interpretation/application of the tendencies is quite extensive and is not at all justified by any research. I think the author speaks beyond what she knows.

In short: Use it if its useful, but don't treat it as gospel and don't be surprised if some real researcher comes out with something better/more comprehensive that is actually evidence based. Eat the meat, spit out the bones. And, before you ask, no I'm not a "Questioner". By Rubin's rubric, I'm an "Obliger"

I found this book fascinating. It answered some questions I had about myself and family members. There are tendencies which seemed like outliers which I didn't understand in myself and others. For example, I have a brother who hates to follow rules. I've been worried that it was some kind of psychological pathology, but it may just be that he's a Rebel. We've always said he hates control. If it says employee parking only, he loves to park there. If it says keep off the grass, he will let his kids walk on the grass. Some of the rules he breaks ARE ridiculous rules, and when I realize they are, we have a great time breaking them. Because some of them prevent you from having fun, and by breaking them you don't harm anyone. One time he had complimentary dinner available at the DelMar track for a Fourth of July celebration with fireworks. When we arrived there at the outdoor table, a party was sitting at our table eating our dinner. My brother told them not to worry about it - he did that kind of thing all of the time, too. We weren't really hungry, and had arrived a bit later. We let them stay and eat the meal. But, I learned from this book that my brother is a REBEL. He hates being controlled by someone else or rules. That gets him into trouble - a few times in the navy and losing jobs. But he's had an exciting life, and a lot more fun than I have. He's great to go on vacation with, because he manages to get the Suites for the rate I paid for my small room by the elevator. He doesn't take no for answer, as he can usually turn them into a yes. Now that I know he's a Rebel, I will be better able to work positively towards a common goal. The times I've tried to control his behavior by suggesting rules, he fights me. Now I know to give him choices on the rules.

There are four types writes author Gretchen Rubin: Upholder, Questioner, Obliger and Rebel. And your type is based upon how you respond to expectations such as your own expectations and others' expectations. You usually have one dominant type and lean into another type. Although Rubin says the types don't link directly to Myers-Briggs types, I do see similarities. For example, for those of you who know Myers-Briggs, I would guess that Rebels are P's on the Myers-Briggs. They perceive lots of options. Obligers may more likely be F for feelers as they care about other's feelings, and don't like to let people down. Upholders may be J's as they like everything dotted and crossed and feel freedom in organization and order. So, it would be interesting to do a correlation.

For myself, I've always tried to do "the right thing" which means obeying your teacher, the rules, conventions but have occasionally broken them and wondered why as it seemed a bit random in retrospect. After doing the quiz in this book, I realize I'm a Questioner. I question and analyze processes, rules, cause and effect (history major) and I'll buck the system occasionally and in a big way sometimes if I feel something is wrong. Rubin posits Steve Jobs was a Questioner. I would have tagged him as a Rebel. But, it would seem many Entrepreneurs are Questioners or Rebels. We tend to question the status quo and wonder if there's a better way of doing things. That's why I like to review books - I'm always looking for new information to improve life for myself and others.

It's interesting to know the types regarding spouses and children. For example, two family members are Upholders. They are so disciplined and tend to follow the rules and norms. If they see a big line going into a theme park, they will dutifully get in line while I'll look around for a separate smaller line or different activity to go to. My brother will already be inside having snuck into the employee entrance and he'll be waving at us from the inside. But I admire these Upholders' family members' ability to produce. One got a PhD in Economics without much drama or sweat. The other does massive amounts of physical labor on 5 rental properties (mowing lawns, repairs, renovations) in addition to working full-time. But sometimes they miss nuances which can shorten their labor or efforts or bring more fun into their life.

Rubin writes that she is an Upholder. When I read her previous books I admired all of the projects she took on to be happier, develop better habits etc. But when I read them, I realized I didn't have the discipline to do the massive amounts of work she did. I wanted the results, and wished I had the internal and external loci of control, but didn't. Maybe Rubin's next book could be on how to maximize happiness and great habits for the four types.

This book outlines the strengths and weaknesses of the four different types so you can soar with your strengths and manage your weaknesses. It also tells you how to understand each type, deal with each type and the most effective way to communicate with each type. It tells you which types are the most abundant in a population. It also outlines what happens when the different types pair up. There's also some quick flash evaluation questions to determine a type quickly. I have one son who I haven't determined if he's a Questioner like me or a yikes! Rebel like my brother. I'm looking forward to his evaluation.

I was thinking of Donald Trump and how the media tries to corner him and he won't give them the answer they want, sometimes to his detriment. I'm beginning to think Trump is a Rebel. That's an intriguing thought.

Although the concept behind this book is simple, it is deep and has profound implications. I found it fascinating, and couldn't really find find that it didn't ring true. It explained a lot of things I've been puzzling over and will help me to be more effective in dealing with family members, friends etc. and better at meeting needs and contributing. There's very few books you can say that about. It's a short book, and easily understandable. I actually thought I'd find the theory not that pertinent, or perhaps easy to disprove. By now you think all of the type theories have been discovered: Holland Code, Myers-Briggs, Color Personality Code etc. But this is fresh, novel and revolutionary. And practical.

The book identifies four general buckets for people. There are those with a lot of self-control who are rare and ethereal like Ms. Rubin herself. And then there are the vast majority with limited self-control, who often do things for others (she calls most of us obligers). The real kicker is that she believes we are all beyond changing. That self-control is simply God-given and you're stuck with your lot in life. How so many people could like this book did surprise me, but the anti-vaccine movement (another subject I tend to get riled up about) has equally high ratings for equally uninformed books -- the point being, pseudo-scientific psychology has a place in the world. Unfortunately, I have no place for it.

This book expands on the theory of personality types Rubin mentioned in her earlier book, Better Than Before. I had found the ideas presented there interesting, but after reading this book, I think you could probably just go back to that shorter discussion in the other book. This felt like a lot of needless expansion on a pretty simple theory.

Gretchen Rubin's book "The Happiness Project" was a great motivator for me to focus more on the positive things in life, so I was optimistic about this being an enjoyable book that offered some nifty ideas on how to make life go even a teensy bit more smoothly. Though she's not a trained mental health professional, Ms. Rubin's style is affable and approachable and very much like talking to and getting advice from a good friend. She doesn't load her prose down with scientific terminology or quote after quote from experts and studies which can turn off readers just looking for a little self help and not a dissertation.

Over the years I've had to take many work-sponsored personality tests such as the MBTI, MMPI-2, DISC, etc., and even taking each test more than once, my results have never come out the same. Like these tests, Rubin is asking the reader to fit themselves into a specific category that she formed based on her personal opinions and observations. While her quiz and the four tendencies she lists aren't really backed by any scientific evidence, they do make sense. I do take issue with being asked to give myself a label that may not apply six months or six years from now. People can change, which is the point behind self-help books anyway, right? The problem is when someone takes a personality quiz or test only once, considers themselves only that one particular thing for the rest of their lives, and doesn't recognize the changes they have themselves whether purposeful or not. Rubin's book - like all the other personality tests - is a tool to be used over and over, not once and then left to collect dust on a bookshelf.

I first learned about Gretchen Rubin's four tendencies and took the quiz to discover mine when her last book came out. I loved the concept, and began to work with it to figure out better ways to navigate both life and business, and meet my expectations in areas that really mattered.

Still, I only had the basics and found myself grappling to figure out the day-to-day practical applications, stumbling points and ways to optimize around my tendencies. I was making progress, but still more or less fumbling in the dark. So, when I was given an advance-copy of this book in anticipation of our conversation on the Good Life Project podcast, I was a bit giddy.

While the basic idea of the four tendencies has been public for a while now, the depth of understanding, nuance and guidance on how to both live into your own tendency and work with others who have different tendencies is invaluable. One thing I found super-useful, were the sections about how each tendency can go "dark-side," what that looks like, how to avoid falling into the abyss and also pull yourself out when you (or someone around you) falls in.

I also found the sections about how people with different tendencies can trigger each other in ways they don't understand incredibly valuable. Especially if you buy into Rubin's belief that tendencies are largely unchangeable. If that is, in fact, true (I agree that it is, btw), then it gives us a certain freedom to stop trying to constantly change those whose tendencies lead to behavior that conflicts with us, understand what drives them on a deeper level and figure ways to work and communicate better.

Last thought. There are a lot of methods and systems out there that speak to achieving goals, getting things done and accomplishing stuff that matters. I love that the four tendencies give you the ability to understand how to better tailor these various methodologies (or outright reject some) to best support your own personal ability to meet and maybe even wildly exceed your biggest, most important expectations. I cannot wait to continue to experiment, integrating the four tendencies into my work and life!

This book was terrible for so many reasons. I could write an entire thesis on everything that’s wrong with it, but this is a review website so I’ll just list a few of the things I had issues with.

1. The writing itself was terrible. It felt like she only had enough to say to fill about 25-30 pages, so she spent the rest of the time repeating things she’s already said. She also contradicted herself on numerous occasions, thereby further destroying her credibility. This credibility was already on shaky ground due to the fact that she has no credentials to say the things she does. She’s a lawyer turned author who noticed “tendencies” in the people around her (I repeat, THE PEOPLE AROUND HER), decided that all mankind fits into one of these four spurious categories, and then made a quiz, an app, a book deal, and a ton of money off of it. She had no scientific training and her data is biased by the fact that the questions on the quiz are excessively basic, short, and skewed and the conclusions drawn can therefore not be trusted in a scientific manner, as they were not tested in a scientific fashion. The book is written with a strong leaning towards the author’s own “Upholder” tendency, with blatant condescension toward the other three. Even within the “Additional Materials” chapter, there is nothing except her podcast, and her app, thereby leading me to believe that even she knows she just made this stuff up, and that it has no basis in reality.

2. Gretchen Rubin says that every single human on God’s green earth fits into one of these for categories and that THEY CANNOT CHANGE. I take issue with that for a number of reasons. To say that people cannot change their tendency, the personality or their habits is a lie. It happens all the time. We change based on situations, circumstances, and age. I was categorized as an “Obliger” on her quiz. And then I read the chapter on it. I am nothing like that chapter. I am not helpless, insipid, and incapable of motivating myself to do something. I don’t need other people to hold me accountable. I have no problem meeting “inner expectations.” The basic questions on that quiz (“Are you a people pleaser? How do you feel about New Years Resolutions? Etc...”) have led her to categorize most of mankind as Obligers. Every example she gives (of each of these tendencies) seems to be about the most extreme behaviors, most of which would result in the person in question being in severe danger of being slapped by people around them for not knowing how to act like a reasoning, thinking, functioning adult. I was left thinking that each example in each tendency needed to be in some sort of medication to assist with their emotional and behavioral issues.

3. I take issue with the fact that she arbitrarily lists film and literary characters as shining examples of these tendencies. This further impresses upon the reader that there is a complete lack of any actual psychological study going on. The characters haven’t taken these quizzes. She’s so excited about this idea of hers that she sees it wherever she goes. At one point she references Jane Eyre as a Questioner, simply because Jane’s aunt says to her in the beginning “Jane, I don’t like cavillers or questioners.” As a devoted Jane Eyre fan, I can tell you that “Questioner” would NOT be her tendency. Read the book. You’ll see. Same things Hermione, the poster child for the “Upholder tendency.” Bilge. Hermione breaks rules frequently as long as she feels on solid ground when she does so, and she will only do what she’s told as long as SHE can see that it’s right. Which makes her a Questioner. Then when she uses examples of real people, they’re so ludicrous that you wonder if she just made them up. “An Obliger said this...” “A Rebel friend told me...” “I got a letter from and Upholder manager and they said...” Never are we given names. Never are we given any proof that she’s tweaked or adjusted her original theory to allow for further research. Never do we get the sense that she ever checks up on herself, or that there is any room for error. She never even lists any of the negative responses she’s gotten, and I know she’s gotten them, because I’ve seen them in her podcast comment section.

4. Finally, and most importantly, the advice in this book is terrible. It should not be followed. Why? Because the advice is basically that other people around you need to cater to whatever tendency you have. If you are a manager, you should spend your time making sure that you know the tendency of each of your employees, and catering to it, while also catering to your own. There is no actual sense of personal accountability here. People don’t have to take responsibility for themselves and their behavior because “that’s just how they are.” Nonsense. She gave the example of mayor who told people in NY to evacuate due to a hurricane. Not everyone did and lives were lost. She actually says that had the mayor taken tendencies into account he could have provided information in four different ways to suit said four different tendencies. To which I say, if you’ve been told to evacuate a place for your own and others safety, and you choose to stay, that’s on you. You were told. People do not have the time to mollycoddle others based of Gretchen Rubin’s spurious tendencies. Another example was of a Rebel child who wanted to drop out of school because she felt it was restrictive. Her parents allowed it. Within a short amount of time the girl decided to go back and the school decided to cater to her needs, the needs of a spoiled brat. Again, this has the potential to cause so many problems. Most schools will not react that way, nor should they. Most children won’t decide to go back, because they’ll like the freedom of having made that choice. And if they are unable to pass the notoriously difficult GED exams, what then? Where are we then? At times there are blatant mistruths. She mentions a military Rebel, who says that he was able to attain rank while breaking all the rules he wanted. I call BS. I come from a military family and I know they do NOT allow insubordination. They can’t afford to because that could cost the lives of other soldiers. Breaking rules in the military gets you dishonorably discharged or worse. Ask any military person. You obey your commanding officers or you pay the penalty.

Her advice in child rearing seems to be (as with everything else) “cater to the child’s tendency.” Every child I have ever known (and I come from a large family and also taught for years) is every single one of these tendencies, frequently all at once. They question everything, follow the rules, want to please everybody, and don’t like to be told what to do. Oh wait, that’s also called being human. We are ALL that way. Doctors won’t even start testing children for behavioral or mental disorder until after the age of 5, so where does she get off labeling these children for life, while ignoring any evidence that will/can/does prove that she’s wrong. Her statements are contradictory. “This is what you are, except not completely because these tendencies are affected by other personality traits.” “This is who your tendency should pair up with, except that it really doesn’t matter because all of these tendencies can work together.” She’s condescending and rude to the other tendencies.
Upholder - Perfect and desirable and rare
Questioner - Crackpot (yes she actually says this)
Obliger - Can’t do anything without help (“YOU MUST HAVE EXTERNAL ACCOUNTABILITY TO SUCCED WITH INNER EXPECTATIONS. If you can find someone to do it for you hire someone or join an accountability group.”)
Rebel - Bullheaded to to point of blatant stupidity (“You’re not the boss of me. You can’t make me. Even if my health is at risk, I won’t do what you say because I resist ANY AND ALL ATTEMPTS at being told anything.”

This book is a HUGE waste of time and basically serves as justification for any sort of ignorant, selfish behavior anyone wants to display. Sorry for the lengthy review. And I’m not even a Questioner.....

Rubin divides the world into four categories, and then gives advice for how to deal with people who fall into each of them. It's fun to take the little quizzes and see where you land, and the advice for dealing with the Other tendencies is a good reminder that we should try to have empathy for other ways of thinking/responding/living. (As a questioner, I of course question the validity of dividing all humans into four distinct categories, even for a scoped personality trait, but the heuristic is nonetheless useful on average.)

I decided to read this book after reading Rubin's "Better Than Before," and while this book delivered approximately what it advertised, it didn't add a whole lot to what I had already read in "Better." There was nothing bad about this book, and if you haven't read her other one, this is a fine place to start. But between the two, I prefer "Better Than Before," so this one gets four stars.

There is a tendency of people offering help to over-simplify in order to make it "easier" for readers to find themselves in the pages. The thing is - I agree with a lot of the things in this book on a general case....and i think at that - it is a good book. It isn't a new guidebook nor is it in any way indispensable. It is, however, one of those books you read and take something away that helps you. Not as overarchingly as promised, but still. I think if you read it multiple times you would get different things out of it. I also think it likely you would discard more and more of the content until you honed down the message that best helps you. Or simply read it for entertainment value. that is also has.

I think she missed the mark a little....but that it is still a good and valuable read.
enjoy!