Unmarried Women and the Rise of an Independent Nation

I rarely read these book despite my love of sociology yet minutes into Traister's work and I was addicted. I barely made it through the third chapter before telling all my close friends (married or single) that they had to purchase it.

This book truly addresses the majority of the fears, joys, challenges and rewards of being single from multiple perspectives. Furthermore she manages not to tear down married women or pit them against single women in any way.

This should really be required reading!

Very interesting look at the increase in single women im the United States. I really enjoyed the history of single women more than the modern information. I personally didn't get married until I was 36 ...not because I didn't want to but because it took that long to find a decent guy. I have several friends who are still single at our current age of 48 and it's also not really a choice. So. .not sure I agree with all the stats..but still an eye opener.

Very well thought out and organized body of work on how the women's movement has changed everything for young women. Would love to see her follow up with something on all the single boomer ladies. Her research and conclusions are interesting and validate things I have been thinking about for awhile on the changes that are happening in society. Well researched and written.

If you're looking for light, fun non-fiction about the modern woman, this isn't it. This is dense, well-researched, almost academic writing. I enjoyed it, but I can see how it might be too much for some.

This is a thoughtfully written and well researched book about how society needs to evolve to accommodate all independent women in today's changing world, whether they choose to marry, remain single or pursue other non-traditional paths. On a personal level, this book really resonated with me as a single woman approaching 30 and living in New York City, but I think women (and men!) from all walks of life would appreciate what she has to say. I couldn't put it down and I can't stop talking about it to all my friends, family and colleagues!

I am a 50 year old single, college educated, Black woman who has lived and worked in New York City for the past 20 years as has Rebecca Traister. We travel in completely different socio-economic and class circles. As I read "All the Single Ladies" I wondered just how many lower middle class, working class, or poor women has Ms Traister ever encountered let alone interviewed. This book would be better titled "A Few Liberal Rich Self Involved Bitches: Unmarried Women That Are Not Representative of Single Ladies". The condescension, classism, and elitism of this book is all the more insidious because the author believes her theoretical Marxist worldview.

Ms Traister wrote of her struggle to get an air conditioner up to her 4th floor apartment and her being grateful for assistance. She took a cab for two blocks. My thought was "try lugging that amount of weight in food on the public bus and subway for 45 minutes after work and then bringing up up 4 flights of steps because the elevators are out". Single women who have to do this weekly are not rejoicing in their independence; quite a few would trade it in for a reliable husband. Please know that I did not lug an air conditioner up four flights because I could not afford one and now choose to use only a fan. Life experiences of lower income women are barely represented in this book. I would have appreciated reading about women who has struggles like mine and women who have not moved up the economic ladder.

While Ms. Traister was reveling her her own and other elite women's sexual congress and licence, I was assisting a single relative with her children and volunteering in my church. I met quite a few women alone with dependent children there. Raising a child by oneself is hard and I witnessed the constant petty humiliations single mothers go through daily. The suffering of the low income single American woman was not alluded to in the book. These trials, in addition to Christian convictions, causes me to remain celibate to this day.

"All the single Ladies" posits that society should be a support to single mothers to keep them out of poverty. It only makes a passing reference to the men that impregnated them and that was a passing reference to President Obama chastising absent fathers. Ms Traister wondered how the President could endorse the nuclear family structure when he grew up in what she termed an "alternate family structure". Maybe because he experienced an alternate structure in his youth and is participating in raising and supporting his children, the President sees the value of male participation in the lives of children?

"All the Single Ladies does have some interesting statistics, but the book is flawed because of the class and educational similarities between most of the profiled. If some urban and rural poor women had been included, the portrait of the 'all the single ladies' would look much different.

I'm from the boomer generation, followed the traditional path of marriage and raised three great kids. This book opened up my eyes to what many in their generation think, especially the women, about careers, relationships, and having, or not having, children. It gave me a lot to think about. I highly recommend this book

This is a fabulous and affirming book for every woman who has wanted more than what society expects of her. And it is also a fabulous and affirming book for every man who sees a woman like that, and is inspired, rather than threatened. Thoroughly researched, compelling, and persuasive - I couldn't put this book down.

All the pluses and minuses of being a single lady were explained in detail and were interesting.
It was disturbing, however, that it took the author until 3/4 of the book to even hint that having a
father figure in the lives of their offspring might be helpful.

This is a splendid tour de force. Marriage is not for everyone. It sends a powerful message to little girls
everywhere, You do not have to be married to have a successful, happy, fulfilling life.
Better to be single than trapped in a bad marriage.
As time goes by single women will prove to be a very powerful political force. PUblic poicy
will change accordingly.
Written with great style and wit. Note I am not single. I am not a lady.

Does not fulfill its promise. Is very uneven, running the gamut from clear, outstanding analysis to meandering self-help style. Overall, worth reading for the good parts and even the not-so-good parts have promise that would be nice to see realized in other pieces by her.

This book would have been much more convincing if had been written by a single woman. Instead, the author-- no matter how hard she tries to conceal it-- is one of those women who clearly considers herself fortunate to have been saved at the last minute from the horrors of spinsterhood and childlessness. Although she throws out a lot of statistics about the increasing number of single woman in American society, and notes that some women (very few) are single by choice, there always seems something forced about the way she cheer-leads for singlehood, all the while smugly ensconced in her own marriage.

She never once suggests that women’s obsession with having children might be socially constructed rather than some innate feminine quality. She never even mentions that women are subjected from earliest childhood (when they’re given dolls) to a continuous brain-washing: an unending stream of TV images, magazine and newspaper articles, books, and family pressures, all suggesting either directly or indirectly that no woman is complete without having at least one child. I can only wonder how many women, especially single women, would go to such ridiculous and risky lengths to have children if they had NOT been subjected to these pressures throughout their lives?

In her efforts to be a good liberal about everything concerning single women having children, she claims that poor women have children in order to feel “fulfilled.” REALLY??? Having kids they can’t afford with fathers who then disappear is a form of “fulfillment?” From everything I’ve read, most poor women’s pregnancies are unplanned, not a conscious decision on the part of the woman to make her life better. The large number of poor women who seek abortions—despite the unending efforts of right-wing fanatics to force them to have children— also suggests that pregnancy is most often NOT a welcome part of their lives.

I thought this book would be about the experiances of single women in this country written by a single woman. The author is not single, and so her thoughts and comments, and interpretation of data is definitely influenced by her married state.

I procured this little book nearly two years ago and while I was loving it, it was simply too bulky of a read for me to keep pace with for where I was mentally at the time. However, when I picked it up again, I dove right into All the Single Ladies and enjoyed the whole thing! This lovely little book consists of Traister situating single women within America's history, culture, and society. This means that at times, it can feel like reading a socio-cultural textbook, which may be too heady for your interests (in definitely was for me two years ago), but if you parse it out instead of trying to read straight through in a handful of days, it's a delight!

Traister recounts historical moments and movements related to women gaining independence and sprinkles in lots of wonderful interviews about women claiming their piece of the pie and how partnerships (either romantic or friendship-based) can help or hinder their goals. Traister wonderfully captures a variety of women's experiences across race, age, sexuality, economic resources, job interests, family dynamics, geographical location, and beyond. I especially loved her chapter on lady friendships (Chapter 4: "Dangerous as Lucifer Matches: The Friendships of Women") because that is a topic that always makes me feel giddy, thankful for my amazing friends, personally empowered, and inspires me to continue watering my friendships with love and support. This chapter alone is everything that I had hoped Text Me When You Get Home would have been.

I thoroughly recommend reading this book, then sharing it one of your besties, and then showering each other in appreciation and support and encouraging each other to achieve your goals!!

This book was absolutely a GREAT read. If you like books like Lean In, then this has to be next on your list. Honestly, put this one first on your list. There was an astounding amount of information in this book, from the history of single women to how they are viewed today. She goes into politics and intersectional feminism. There's tons of information about marrying early, marrying late, not marrying at all... Having kids, not having kids, being a single mom, and so much more. It made me think deeply about my time as a single woman living in New York City in my early 20s to now being married, living in a suburb in Florida, and about to turn 32 years old. But it's not about me, it's about how much single women have brought to society and to our culture and the way that being single (or delaying marriage) has changed our world. Truly, truly a MUST read for everyone.

A compelling book about the herstory and current state of being a single woman in the US. Some new information for me, but also referenced some books I've read before!
It's exciting for me that she references books I've read. It means that I might just be catching up on the state feminism and a reasonable amount of it's herstory and therefore taking that information out of "cold storage" and into active use.
I have not been "single" but because of both my and my husband's jobs, I've spent time alone and totally understand some of the reasons listed for not wanting to get involved with a partner, let alone married. I have always missed my husband when I or he was on travel for work, and my son since his birth as well, but I understand how great it can be to not have to worry about what they want to do today or how long it will take them to get ready or how long we can stay somewhere. One or the other of us has been gone for months and we've used the time to do pretty much what these single women do but without even having to worry about dating. We've also had our share of bad times enough to know that it takes a lot to have a good marriage and both have to be in it all the way. In other words, it's not something to enter into lightly and I appreciate that these women are taking their time to be sure about tying their lives to someone else's.
Because of this, I cannot properly express my appreciation of Traister's inclusion of the facts on marriage, specifically bad marriage. It is far from a guarantee on almost everything that people tell you to get married for. In fact, if someone is telling you that you should marry, you probably shouldn't. In my opinion, it's a sign you aren't ready yet. I love her sentiment that marriage is increasingly being reserved as special. It is special. It is something that you should want more than anything when you do it, much like having children. But it's also not something that everyone should do and not something that everyone needs to want (also like kids). I don't understand the craze over the declining birth rates but I have noticed that we've stopped talking about overpopulation, which was a major problem that needed solving when I was a kid. Now we're back to encouraging women to get married and pop out babies.
Well, affluent white women. Yeah, it was also great that Traister includes the differences in the messages to women of color and poor women. Marriage is not the answer to financial stability. It can help and for some it is an answer, but financial stability is not a good reason to hitch your life and well-being to someone else. They may not deliver. You may grow to hate them. They may grow to hate you. They might leave or die. There are no guarantees in life and Traister reminds the reader of that.
Marriage is great, when it's great. Some of us are in it good enough to even work through what we consider hard times. Others of us have to deal with various forms of abuse. It is not an answer to how to make life great because it can be awful. It can be the worst thing for you. So waiting to marry until you really want to, I have always thought was a good idea.
More than all this, painting the picture of a single woman as one who is happy with her life is an incredible and beautiful thing. Yes, being in love is great, but so is being you. We shouldn't be painted as needing a partner to be whole or fulfilled or happy. We should be able to be happy with ourselves. I have known plenty of women who are happy on their own and with what their lives are giving them and don't feel a family would increase this feeling. Mine does for me, but I know these same two people could make others very not happy. Between the book and personal experience, I am compelled to believe that surrounding ourselves with people who we can be ourselves and happy around is the best way to live, it just doesn't always include legal styles of partnering like marriage.
I love the idea of celebrations of singledom. I don't have many single friends (it just happens when you're married or single that we migrate to separate circles) but I would happily buy one a present for some other milestone. I also find that the way we lavish expense on weddings to be extreme and unnecessary and demanding friends to partake in expensive gifts is not cool. I've had a big wedding and a small one and I can tell you that they require so much compromise and cause so much stress that the lavishness wasn't worth it for me. The small wedding was better, more hectic in the preparations but relaxed during the ceremony and party and I could actually enjoy myself instead of worrying about all the tables I needed to stop by and other disasters, including that I've just put myself and my family in extra debt for just a day. Though, I guess it can seem okay when we expect to reciprocate eventually, but when most women get married around the same age, it can be drain on everyone around us. And then, yeah, baby showers are completely necessary still and those don't preclude single women, though they can be drain on the wallet too. Personally, I'd rather save it for the baby shower because babies require a lot of set up costs.
Still, we should be able to celebrate singledom. We should be able to be happy for each other when someone is doing something we wouldn't necessarily do. I don't know what those celebrations should be, but I'm all for it. Maybe a 'moving out on your own' party, or something. I don't know. Single people, let us know!
I really enjoyed this book. It did get a low at times, explaining the realities of both singledom and marriage in many of their forms both good and bad, but overall, it was an enjoyable read. It gave me hope for the future and the direction that women are going in this country. It was inclusive of many ways of being single and/or married and the evolution of some problems for both. It's an important book to read and I'd pair it with The Feminine Mystique if you haven't read it. Not only is it mentioned, but they work well together to further illuminate the evolution of women in this country in a way that neither does well on it's own. Obviously, The Feminine Mystique is technically about 55 years behind the times, but you'll cringe to see how similar the times can really be while appreciating those changes that have been made.
Progress is slow but real. It seems like a crawl and like we take two steps back for every step forward, but reading some of the older texts definitely helps me realize the changes, though subtle, that have taken place in our impressions of our own society.

4.5 stars. A very interesting social history books, covering the sociological, economic, sexual, political, and educational aspects of single women in history and their rise in proportion in the present day. The book largely does a good job interweaving its statistics and history with narratives from a number of women (those single by choice, and those single by circumstance; and those who lived a portion of their life single before entering into late marriages or partnerships). There are a few passages where they author's opinion hampers her ability to fully explain circumstances and statistics (for example, there is some ridicule in the tone when recounting that presidential hopeful Mitt Romney mentioned marriage as a solution to crime, but there is strong evidence that married men commit less crime and have lower testosterone levels meaning they are less aggressive). The fact is, there are some drawbacks to the increase of women remaining unmarried, and where the book does not honestly and fully address this, it falls short. However, the book mostly attempts to paint a full picture, making clear that the singleness of highly educated and highly paid women is a very different experience from many minority women and/or impoverished women. The book also makes clear that being single both opens doors and opportunities, allowing women to lead fuller lives charted by their own goals and aspirations, but also that there can be shortcomings, including loneliness and societal backlash. In the end, it was refreshing and empowering to read the stories of many women who, like myself, made a conscious decision to chart their own path, to be child-free by choice, and to eschew marriage as the end of their story. And the fact that their are trade offs, that the positives come with negatives, does not negate the desire to live in a world where women (and men) have the choice to marry or not marry, to start families or to remain unencumbered, to live fulfilled lives that are not carbon copies of lives a century ago.

A free copy of "All the Single Ladies" by Rebecca Traister was provided to me by NetGalley and Edelweiss in exchange for an honest review. The book takes a fresh and very honest look at how a new generation of single women are shaping our society. How they are influencing everything from culture to politics and business. How they are shaping our economy, our political climate and how the world perceives women and in turn, how they view themselves. The book clearly explains the historical impacts of various women's movements and through a combination of research and testimonials, it explains all of the various reasons why so many women are choosing to stay single longer or never marry at all.

What I appreciated most is that the book analyzes this topic from all possible angles. For example, the author readily acknowledges that women working outside the home is not and never was a particularly new or novel concept to poor and minority women in America. In those communities, women have always worked outside the home because they did not have a choice in the matter. They simply couldn't afford not to work.

The best thing about this book is its pragmatism and honesty. The book does not proselytize and it is not trying to promote any particular agenda. The book does not try to convince women that it is better to remain single or advance the rhetoric that single motherhood is destroying traditional family values and is the downfall and ruination of our society. This is not that type of book. The book simply takes an honest look at all kinds of women from varied cultural and socioeconomic backgrounds and allows them to explain, in their own words, why they've made the choices that they've made. The book even looks at women who didn't intend to be "trailblazers" or "trendsetters". The women who are single, not by choice, but because of a lack of opportunity for whatever reason. The book also takes a look at women's perceptions regarding relationships and dating and certain existing dynamics such as "friends with benefits" relationships and the rise of a "hook-up culture" among younger generations. All without judgment or censure. The book takes an unbiased look at the lives of women from all aspects and explains the factors that are influencing and driving these changes.

To me, always searching for the elusive complexity and mystery of women,the book was a feast and stunning in some revelations. Well researched (over sixty books by earlier feminists commented) the tales are given flesh and blood by the many interviews unveiled. One of the important things I learned was the importance of feminine friendship beyond sex and how a network of friends and communal arrangements could improve life outside the classical family arrangement of woman, man and children. The book provides a guided tour of women's struggle to achieve equality and respect centered on independent single women that do not forfeit their individuality even when sometimes they decide to live with a companion.

"For some women, the loneliness may stem from, or be exacerbated by, the drain of having to be everything for yourself."

This book is a lot more technical than the quote above suggests. While not strictly about single ladies this book focuses more on why women are marrying later or not at all (but are still partnered) as well as how birthing rates have changed throughout modern American history.

While the author quotes Spinster by Kate Bolick some sections read very similar to the book. There's talk about being a 'thornback' and how the rise of the girl bachelor was motivated by a number of social and environmental factors.

I was expecting more discovery of women who aren't partnered throughout their lives but this book seems to suggest that being a truly single woman in America isn't exactly a financially stable option, which I guess I already knew. This book examines the many factors that may push a woman to get married or to marry later.

It's an interesting read if you're curious about how marriage has changed over time and need to be reminded that single women are people too.

Before I wrote this review an advertisement for an engagement ring popped up. Oh the irony!
Rebecca Traister interviews many different single ladies for this book as well as talks about different times in US history when women would pursue a career instead of or before marriage. These women found fulfillment outside of the home. When they did marry, the spouses were on more equal footing. Some statistics showing that people who marry later divorce at a lower rate than those that marry young.
One important thing she brings up is that many people believe that the way out of poverty is marriage. But with decreased employment opportunities for men with just a high school diploma or GED, that's just giving the woman one more person to feed and take care of. In 2014 in Kentucky, there were more married couples with kids in poverty than single parents in poverty.
I'm 47 and never married. I'll probably never get married. I have my house, my dogs, my horses, and my retirement fund. Life is good.

Although “All The Single Ladies “ is not a reference book, all the statics, percentages, facts, figures mixed with social/cultural observations and opinions made it challenging to review. Authored by award winning contributing editor and columnist Rebbeca Traister, this is an important notable book that examines and highlights the lives of ordinary single American women from all walks of life.

With the 1962 release of “Sex and the Single Girl” Americans were shocked and fascinated by this new self-help manifesto that encouraged single women to embrace their singlehood, and regard it as a time of freedom, personal growth and development while learning skills that would eventually attract a suitable husband. The book was publically denounced by religious leaders and politicians concerned that women would be poorly influenced or corrupted by the content. However, many American women recognized themselves in the phenomenal bestseller as societal norms slowly began to change.
Prior to this women were culturally pressed into traditional roles as wives and mothers. Single ordinary unmarried women were stigmatized and even viewed as defective, riddled with anxiety and depression, with little to look forward to outside their meager life of low wage work. Women could not buy homes, cars, or have a credit card without a husband’s signature. They were expected to end both college and employment if marriage resulted in pregnancy. Women had won the right to vote in 1929, had entered into the work force during WWII, but when the male soldiers returned women were expected to resume their traditional roles.

The Women’s Liberation Movement that began in the late 1960’s expanded women’s rights calling for fair employment and pay, birth control and abortion reform, and ending gender based discrimination. Women have made tremendous strides to improve their rights and opportunities: the social attitudes and stigma against single women have decreased, for college educated women the prospects have risen considerably. The marriage rates that peaked in the 1970’s have declined, women are waiting longer to marry and less often, while others are choosing to remain single.
The “Marriage Initiative” (2003) was a $300 million program that diverted funds from Welfare programs to promote religious based views of marriage to low income populations, in 2010 it was renewed. This has had little impact on marriage rates.
With the decline of manufacturing/semi-skilled jobs, limited or lack of education, low wage jobs and unemployment “robust” marriageable young men are in short supply. “The Truly Disadvantaged” (2012) explains the plight of the black American male, if born in the year 2001, 1/3 can expect to spend a portion of their life incarcerated.
Single motherhood is clarified in: “Promises I Can Keep: Why Poor Women Put Motherhood Before Marriage” (2005) indicated low income women would not be deterred from single motherhood, despite the tremendous disadvantage and impoverished conditions that impacted them and their children.
Studies indicate that couples who complete their education, establish employment, marry of similar educational background before having children have lower rates of divorce and greater economic prosperity.

As the rates of single unmarried women increase with the rise of the independent nation— declining birthrates will follow. Government assistance is necessary in the form of tax relief, educational grants, improved leave and employment conditions, also healthcare and childcare benefits. Welfare that guaranteed a substance income to families with children needs to be reinstated; our families need to be strengthened not weakened by punitive ineffective policies that neither work for our families or our nation.
~ With thanks and appreciation to Simon Schuster for the ARC of this book for the purpose of review and for sponsoring the Goodreads Giveaways.