A Guide to Parenting With RAD-Reactive Attachment Disorder

In the words of one professional who rated this book with a poor rating: "Parents with a little knowledge do not compare to trained and licensed professionals who can understand all the nuances and complexities of a troubled child." As both a professional and a parent of a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder, I have to wholeheartedly disagree with this statement. No one can understand all the nuances and complexities of a troubled child better than those parents who have lived with them. This is the type of mindset on the part of professionals that keeps families stuck and isolated. As professionals we must absolutely believe in the parents of these children. These are normal, intelligent, compassionate human beings who are highly discouraged and need therapists to empower them to help their own children. I don't agree with everything Nancy says. I do agree with some reviewers here that say her book is disorganized and hard to understand with strategies that are at times somewhat impractical. I have found her set of cd's called "Healing Trust" to far better articulate both the treatment strategies and the HEART behind them. I highly recommend using the book and cd's together for a better understanding. We will not find all the answers for our children in any one resource. As parents we have to take what we can from every resource and prayerfully apply them appropriately for our children. Nancy Thomas' materials are not the only way, but they are high on my list of practical, helpful tools that have helped save our family from crumbling.

As a licensed clinical social worker with experience in the field of attachment disorders, and a parent of a child with an intense attachment disorder, I was extremely disappointed to see that this outdated information is still in circulation. These children experienced extreme trauma in their lives and are living breathing PTSD on a daily basis, which is supported by the current brain research.

This author's view of these children as manipulative completely misses the underlying biology to their behavior. These children are living from a place of survival, NOT trying to manipulate. Books such as Brain based Parenting by Dan Hughes and Dare to Love by Heather Forbes are based on the current research on attachment disorders. For the safety of children I wish this book could be pulled off shelves and out of production.

This book had data and methods from what feels like the 1990s -Firm, hardcore, inflexibility. A better approach are the three books,
Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control, The Boy Raised as a Dog, and The Body Keeps the Score. The three compliment each other in that a frame of love and understanding is required to be flexible to situations as the brain has been mis-wired.

Like a tangle of cables, one can't just yank one, but there are methods to help over come the trauma, which are listed in the three books mentioned. Otherwise we are just affecting the outward appearance instead of the source issue. Like putting a band aid on cancer.

Each person's trauma, duration, and date of trauma in their development affect the treatment, none of which is covered in Nancy Thomas approach but is address in the three books mentioned.

First of all, I would like to acknowledge the existence of problem that author attempts to tackle. No argument there. And yes, I do not have any better book to suggest nor do I have personal experiences to share.
HOWEVER, judging this book simply as what it is there are few HUGE problems:
- I was unable to find a single (ZERO) publications by this author in any kind of academic journal. I searched on the internet and through the university library (which connects to many paid academic papers databases and journals). There can be of course two explanations: 1. the author has not published any results of her supposed valuable insights and experiences. For whatever reason it may, I will not speculate. 2. Much more likely, the author has not tried to publish anything (or if she has, she did not pass the review process) simply because her speculations and methods are scientifically ungrounded and for most part, sit on the verge of profanity.
Personally, this gets me thinking. Of course, it's much easier, and above all, profitable, to publish nonsense and to take money from desperate adoptive parents.
- With the absense of any traces of the author on the world of academia, I turned to internet to look for the authors creditentials. You know things like degrees, awards, education. That old school stuff. Couldn't find any. Not even a wiki entry!! Seriously, not even her proponents have anything to put about this marvelous women into the collective human knowledge?
- In addition to above, the book itself lacks reference base. There are nearly no references in the text and the list of litrature at the back is just over 10 positions, 1 of which is Bible (sorry, even though I am orthodox Christian I do not take this is a reputable source out of context of theological or religious writing), 4 belong to 1 author, and 3 more belong to another author.

There are so many ridiculous claims like "start taking vitamin B in preparation of child's arrival" or that Mozart is the best music for relaxing. Says who? Or what studies or mere observations support that reprimanding a child that tells upon others with making them do that other person's work is actually a good way to go? Not that I have a solution myself, but I am highly suspicious of such claims. I can totally see this technique not working, and making a child hate whoever he told on, even more. Anyway, this is my speculation, also ungrounded, but hey, I'm not writing books and making money on my fantasies and to wrap up my review:

This book is no more than a personal account, not supported with any factual data or case. Whatever practical advice there is can be found in many other more reputable publications. The author lacks creditentials. Take this book with a BIG grain of salt.

Ms Thomas has written a book about a condition that isn't even in the DSM - at least, not the way she describes it. As she points out early, she does not have the qualifications to write such a book; instead she relies upon "a mom's heart and a mom's hands'. Sorry, but there is a reason why psychiatry is a profession, and it is shown amply by Ms Thomas' prescriptions. She promises "I offer you the skills to defend yourself...", following this 'first principle' with effectively 'oh - and help you get back a loving child'. This suggests something about her priorities.

She talks about children as being psychopaths, and compares them with Adolph Hitler and Ted Bundy! Compulsive liars? Demonic? These terms are used by Ms Thomas in describing three-year-olds! To make clear how scientific her approach is, she states that "Babies do know what the mother is thinking and feeling during pregnancy" - assigning this to Thomas Verny's 1981 "The secret life of the unborn child". Maybe some evidence would be nice, rather than just throwing the statement to the reader as fact.

Thomas goes on to discuss making your home a fortress, in order to protect you against your child. Pretty much NOT what is recommended for a child who is in trouble.

Her book is described as being "invaluable" - I agree with that, in the sense that it has no value.

The worst thing that could possibly happen to an already suffering child is for someone to follow Ms Thomas' advice. Unfortunately, that happened. To make 'the worst' even worse, that 'someone' was a politician, who appears to have seen an opportunity to show the voters how 'family-friendly' he is. So after abusing two girls he adopted for several months - apparently based upon what Ms Thomas has to say (along with exorcisms, trying to stop the girls' 'telepathy' and other crazyness) - Alabama state representative Justin Harris decided that he had done enough for the 2 year old and 4 year old girls he adopted through the Department of Human Services. He handed the responsibility for their care over to a 'friend', who subsequently sexually abused one of them. Having pulled strings to even adopt the infants, and ignoring advice from friends in order to adopt - presumably - the kids that would look best in his PR campaign, he dumped them after realising he didn't know what he had got into. Not through the proper DHS channels, but with the help of a 'friend'. Great politics, Justin. Do you still have them in your website's family photos?

So read this book by all means - as it shows what NOT to do with emotionally disturbed children and infants. Then, seek professional help from a qualified psychiatrist. And NEVER treat children as criminals in their own home!

From an attachment specializing therapist- DO NOT BUY THIS BOOK. Retraumatizing the attachment child is not discipline. I have had countless children taken into state custody due to non-specializing therapists telling adoptive parents to use this book. Many instructions and interventions border on or are abusive. I encourage you to seek books by Brian Post, Bruce Perry, Heather Forbes, Dan Seigel, Dan Huges, Theraplay work, PCIT- but NOT this book.

Recommended to me by a child therapist who specializes in RAD I found this book incredibly helpful with my own children. Not everything I applied as my children were in a different catagory that the extreme cases that Thomas deals with on a regular basis. Truly a great resource and a huge source of encouragement to parents of trouble kids. Healing can come! Love wins in the end.

When Love Is Not Enough: A Guide to Parenting Children with RAD does offer some very great information and insight about parenting children with Reactive Attachment Disorder however as the Reviewer below me points out some of the advice seems a bit extreme to me.

I also believe that some approaches are not healthy for children with other significant issues and found that parenting a child with Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder (FASD) specifically Alcohol Related Neurodevelopmental Disorder (ARND) is completely different and requires a far different approach then those offered by the leading experts (?) in Reactive Attachment Disorder.

Many of the tips and advice for parenting a RAD child do not take into account Short term Memory or Processing difficulties many children adopted from Foster Care may also have due to brain damage.

The approaches used for RAD children only caused Secondary Behavior Symptoms for my child who was diagnosed RAD and ARND. Once we were aware that our daughter has brain damage the tips and approaches offered by this outline no longer seemed needed. Once we recognized our childs disability and allowed ourselves to look for different approaches the majority of RAD symptoms went away and our whole family has changed as a result.

I believe that it is important to understand that attachment takes time and that it is not always the only thing parents need to be worried about. When we focus on the right things attachment will build more naturally.

Anna Glendenning
Adoptive Parents Network

This book is the opposite of connected parenting.It pits parent against child. This book uses an outdated understanding of how to help children who have been affected by trauma. I bought books by Karen Purvis (The Connected Child) and Jennifer Kolari (Connected Parenting) that are based on research and help parents reach their child where they are without shaming and manipulation that have helped our family greatly. STAY AWAY FROM THIS BOOK!

This 'NOW UPDATED AND EXPANDED' edition is a great book for those dealing with RAD and RAD effected children as well as children living with these RAD kids.
The book is broken down into THE PROBLEM and into THE SOLUTION sections, read both before applying any of it.
The book also includes in its appendixes must read check lists.
This book is primarily for use with kids issues under the age of 13 but will help you understand what has gone wrong in older children / adults and has many applications that will help these older ones as well.
For older children after reading this book I would suggest Foster Cline's Love And Logic books read and use all three simultaneously, WHEN LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH from before birth to puberty and beyond, PARENTING WITH LOVE AND LOGIC before birth to puberty, PARENTING TEENS WITH LOVE AND LOGIC teens is the key word here, from puberty until the cycle starts over with their own offspring.

The over the top reviews author Nancy Thomas is getting here are very misleading. This is not an easy book to read. It's so badly organized, poorly written and grossly repetitive! It is heartfelt enough and may offer relief to some who have RAD kids - if they can get through it! It reads like a collection of post it notes, and forwarded email. She would have benefitted from an editor who could organize her thoughts and smooth her poor writing skills. This author may have a genuine contribution to make, but undermines her message in every way possible making it very hard to tell. Meanwhile I have very little time to waste as the mother of two of these kids to sort through the mess and get to her message!

This book made me mad!

This 'NOW UPDATED AND EXPANDED' edition is a great book for those dealing with RAD and RAD effected children as well as children living with these RAD kids.
The book is broken down into THE PROBLEM and into THE SOLUTION sections, read both before applying any of it.
The book also includes in its appendixes must read check lists.
This book is primarily for use with kids issues under the age of 13 but will help you understand what has gone wrong in older children / adults and has many applications that will help these older ones as well.
For older children after reading this book I would suggest Foster Cline's Love And Logic books read and use all three simultaneously, WHEN LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH from before birth to puberty and beyond, PARENTING WITH LOVE AND LOGIC before birth to puberty, PARENTING TEENS WITH LOVE AND LOGIC teens is the key word here, from puberty until the cycle starts over with their own offspring.

The over the top reviews author Nancy Thomas is getting here are very misleading. This is not an easy book to read. It's so badly organized, poorly written and grossly repetitive! It is heartfelt enough and may offer relief to some who have RAD kids - if they can get through it! It reads like a collection of post it notes, and forwarded email. She would have benefitted from an editor who could organize her thoughts and smooth her poor writing skills. This author may have a genuine contribution to make, but undermines her message in every way possible making it very hard to tell. Meanwhile I have very little time to waste as the mother of two of these kids to sort through the mess and get to her message!

This book made me mad!

This is the best book ever written for difficult children! I have read them all. I am not simply a doctor who sees children in my office for a short visit, I am the parent who lives with them 24 hours a day and who has holes punched in my walls and windows broken out. I am a mother who chooses to foster the worst of the behavioral children in the foster care system in hopes to give them a chance when others will not. One night I had enough and I was done with fostering for life when I picked up the book out of a last ditch effort. Within an hour of reading I had renewed hope and a renewed definite plan. This is the only book out there that gives exact specific easy solutions. I implemented it the next day to my 15 year old and it was the best day of our life, and it has continued to be ever since. I have the tools I need and he is no longer able to manipulate me and so thus he finally feels the love and that trust that he needs towards me. This book explains what a child needs to feel loved and it is not the common way that we parent children today. It may seem backwards and a little rigid, but to gain the heart of a child and give them a hope of eternity is worth some rigid rules for awhile. This is what these children need to feel loved. My 15 year old foster son finally feels loved for the first time in his life and it is amazing! This book saved my life and I would gladly have paid thousands for it. I give this book to all the other foster parents out in the world that I know or parents of adopted children. I even use many of these methods on my biological children - it is great!

Thanks so much to a mother who has not only made a difference in the lives of the children who lived in her home, but has passed them onto thousands of other homes. God will richly bless you someday!

I only wish I could remember everything I hope to have learned from this book. We are older parents of an adopted child with RAD, and the old tried and true measures simply do not work with him. After receiving a diagnosis of Reactive Attachment Disorder from his therapist, along with a soon announced "we have done all we can do, you need to find a therapist who specializes in this area," we have been floundering because there does not seem to be an available therapist in our area. Nevertheless, we do see some of these techniques are accomplishing more in helping our child grow into a trusting, caring, loving individual. We continually read this book over and over again.

I have three beautiful daughters. My oldest is 20, a college sophomore, doing well. My middle daughter was aopted at age nine. She is now 13 and doing ok. She has had her share of ups and downs, but I see a bright future for her. My youngest daughter was adopted just over a year ago and is almost 13. She is on a downhill slide and was recently inpatient at the state psych hospital. Amongst many other diagnose, she is now labeled as RAD. Several people suggested I get this book...it would change my life. I read it and mostly thought been there done that, did not work with my child. It is a simple read and wrote at a pretty low level. Maybe in a logical child it could work. My experience is these are not logical children. My child is struggling. I am grasping at any straw to keep her in my home, but this book was certainly not what I expected.

Three years ago, it seems like a lifetime. My son was 4, I was his foster mother and I was fighting to understand what was wrong with him. Having never heard of RAD I stumbled across it when a school counselor friend of my mother heard her describe my sons rages, lies, manipulations, and lengthy history of abuse. Finally I knew what was wrong! Through my own research I found this book and it gave me the strength and knowledge to pull my son through his battle with RAD. It took two years, intense therapy, sleepless nights, and nerves of steel. I can honestly say this book was God sent and without it I would not of adopted my son as he would of not gotten the proper diagnosis and I would of not known how to help him. Thank you Nancy Thomas!

I would definitely recommend this book, along with a GOOD RAD therapist!, to parents of children with RAD. We have come full circle with one of our severe RAD children. I read this book a few years ago when I was learning about RAD....we tried a couple of therapists, had a lot of testing done...almost gave up, when we started therapy with a new therapist who brought this book to my attention again! I decided to buy the book so that I could read it more often and have it "at my side" for reference....along with the therapist "at my side" also. Written in an informative and interesting format!

I have read numerous books about attachment, but this is by far the best. It contains many practical, down to earth suggestions and methods for changing behaviors and building attachment in deeply wounded children. It gives a description of attachment and how it goes wrong in simple, everyday language. And it is written by someon who has been "in the trenches" on a daily basis and knows what it is like and how to deal with it. Her personal experience is invaluable!

High structure and high nurture is the time honored formula for kids with RAD. The title of the book says is all - love is not enough for a RAD child. You can't just love them into being a fully functional human being that is able to have appropriate relationships with others. Natural, fair consequences have to go along with the RAD behavior if the child has any hope of getting through it, especially older children. I found this book refreshing, and different from so many of the RAD books. Frankly, it seems that only a therapist would think that you can just talk and love the child through it. As a parent, I know that the structure and accountability must be present as well, in order to allow the child an understanding that his or her behavior does not produce the intended result. The child has to learn trust, but learning to trust that there are no consequences for serious behavior never cured anyone. Love plus structure and accountability, over time, is a more realistic approach, and that is what this book offers.

Having read Dandelion on My Pillow Butcher Knife Beneath I highly recommend reading Nancy's book When Love is not Enough..... It is a guide to parenting children who are uncontrollable, without conscience and incapable of love. It is a long awaited practictable book which gives experienced tried and tested stratagies on how to change these children's lives.I wish I had read it years ago as a Foster carer it is an essential read.

This book is excellent information for parents who care for children who have either been adopted, or gone through a trauma where they may feel un-attached from their primary caregiver. This book provides explanations for why they act out, and concrete, practical, do-able steps to correct it.

We was given this book shortly after we adopted our son. It has great information and is written so anyone can understand it, not all clinical jargon. I have reread the book several times at different stages of our sons development. This book is a great resource and I highly recommend it to anyone living with a RAD child.

The techniques Nancy recommends are coercive and abusive. If you want strategies that actually work, that actually help a child learn and grow, look into Ross W. Greene's books and videos. You will learn a lot more, and you'll be able to sleep at night knowing you've treated your child with the love and respect he/she deserves as a human being.

All techniques in the book are abusive. As a therapist in this area the book is a nightmare. Parents get into trouble with DHS for using the techniques. She is a dog trainer by trade....and I would not let her near my dog...

This was a great book which helped me better understand what my son is going through and how to help him. It also gave me a sense of relief knowing that I am not the only parent that is going through this.
I met Nancy just a few weeks ago and was at a RAD camp with her for a week, she is truly a women that has a heart for these kids to heal and has made it her mission for to help other parents see that they can find healing for there kids.

Many people consider Post to be a crackpot and charlatan trying to make as much money as possible. His theory appears to be a synthesis of somatic psychology and family systems theory, not really anything groundbreaking or new. Further, the basic idea behind "containment" seems borrowed from Wilfred Bion, who proposed the therapist provides a holding container for patients so that they too can contain themselves. The difference is that Bion would have never have laid hands on his patients. The relationship between therapist and patient would have been sufficient. In fact, wrestling with, holding, and otherwise restraining a patient will stimulate an already overstimulated physiological system and push some people past the breaking point. This retraumatizes them. It becomes a well constructed reeneactment similar to the original trauma.

Would you subject a woman who has been raped to something akin to a rape by holding her down, making it impossible for her to escape so a corrective reexperiencing of the trauma can occur? Of course not. But the rationale given by some so called "therapists" who advocate holding therapy is based on the very same logic. A woman who becomes frigid and guarded with her husband after she has been raped would therefore need him to nearly rape her but ensure that she was safe and capable of loving again. Needless to say, this is the blunt object approach to attachment. What she needs is to be soothed over time and to gradually build a relationship with someone she can eventually trust again.

Post has also practiced holding therapy with children and their adoptive parents. Some people believe his focus is more on marketing than research with integrity. Has he published any research substantiating the efficacy of his treatment approach? Admittedly, he can be very charismatic and capable to enticing people to get on board with his program. I witnessed this several years ago in Virginia as an entire agency, Carpe Diem, joined as partners with Post and was trying to market their relationship with him to claim funding.

casewatch.org/board/sw/post.shtml

hamptonroads.com/2008/07/practitioner-controversial-therapy-moves-his-base-hampton-roads

ripoffreport.com/mental-health/bryan-post/bryan-post-and-any-of-his-ther-4a5b8.htm

phtherapies.wordpress.com/2010/10/09/misrepresentation-of-advocate-for-children-in-therapys-position-on-attachment-therapy-and-restraints/

stopchildtorture.org/2009/08/14/holding-therapist-heather-forbes-behind-latest-attack-on-a-search-for-survivors/

childrenintherapy.org/