Helping You to Understand and Cope With Your Teenage Daughter

I have found this book very insightful with the thoughts and action of my 11 year old daughter. The world is a changed place and very different from when I grew up. Mary has a lot of advice and insight that any parent can find useful.

Although this book is several years old it is still, sadly, quite relevant. While it does not address texting, sexting and other technology issues so troubling today, the other issues discussed have not changed much at all.

A great book, especially for Moms with teenagers girls. I mailed to my daughter, she has one teen age 13th. and I thought she could fine some good advises from the book. I hope she does.
The author of this book, Mary Pipher, is a resident of my city, Lincoln, Nebraska. I have read all of her books. I like the last one. Seeking Peace, which I borrowed from the Libriary. I will be ordering one copy from you, after I finish reading some books I am presently reading. Thank you for asking my opinion on the referenced book. Juan F. Alonso

This book has a lot of interesting things to think about, and no doubt the author is correct about how young girls lose their sense of “self”as they get older, but I think the book is outdated in today’s constant Internet and Social Media Culture. And I must say, I never thought of Hillary Clinton as a well adjusted individual....even back in the 90’s. This woman has chip on her shoulder and blames men for most of a women’s problems, but regardless, it is an insightful read and perhaps should not be totally discounted.

I’d like to see her write a more up to date version.

In today’s world people face lots of dangers and negativity, no matter were we look. This book highlights and focuses on the dangers young girls will face and what this does to their personalities. It seemed as though the author was encompassing all girls and women become "destroyed" during their adolescence. For me I would rather focus on the positive than be so massively enlightened about the horrors young girls face.

I was disappointed in this book for a graduate level reading. I felt it was very bias and case studies were selected specifically to prove her point. There was little, if any real empirical data. I think for a self-help type book, it may work for some people. I did not impress me.

Upon opening up the box I realized that the entire front cover is ripped. The book is brand new yet the cover is almost ripped in half... Maybe it was ripped in shipping but still. I pay a lot of money all the time for textbooks and this is the only one I've ever received that wasn't in tact.

Other than that... The book is about the worst book I've ever read. The author repeatedly contradicts herself, provides no citations, and makes repeated blanket statements (a huge no-no in psychology). She makes adolescents out to be about the worst thing you'll go through in life and all adolescents struggle during this time period. All she does is provide the examples she has found in her own practice that back up her theories, but shows none that might differ from her theories. She blames sexism for every single problem that girls have and blames all men for these problems too going so far as to blame a father for the fact that his wife ran off with the neighbor and abandoned him and his young daughter. Also, all of her examples come from her clinical experience, but keep in mind, healthy, normal people do not go to therapy so all of her "normal" examples to prove her point are actually abnormal.

Recomended by my therapist, A-typical '90's blabber about how horrible things are for our kids, schools, peer pressure, TV, lookism, sexism, etc.
Can't stand the woman's writing style. While I know my therapist says she just wants me to be aware of the fact that their are many girls out there who cut, do drugs, drink, get pregnant, etc. and come from good families. I think the book sucks. Not one single strand of hope to be found.

Summary:
This is both a book about the struggles of young American girls and a professional memoir of sorts. Pipher weaves her thoughts on the problems and obstacles that modern American adolescent girls are facing together with account after account of the girls she has actually counseled, with each subject or idea supported and illustrated by three or four case studies. Over fifteen chapters, she explores the primary challenges that young Western girls face today and the cultural issues that give rise to them, from toxic family and peer relationships to dangerous behaviors like depression, eating disorders, sexual activity, and violence. Her primary idea is that society places tremendous pressure on girls to look, act, and think in ways that are inauthentic for them. They need help resisting these pressures, but since few get the help they need, many of them cave. When this happens, they suppress their authentic selves and act in ways that are `expected' but are painful and destructive for them. What they need, Pipher says (using her case studies as evidence), is support from their families and communities to resist the pressure of the inauthentic self and make choices that are right for them.

My thoughts:
Of all the books I've read this year on adolescent psychology, this is without question the most compelling. Pipher (or possibly Ross, her the store listed co-author who isn't mentioned anywhere in the book) is a talented writer, and her accounts of the girls she counsels breathe life into what might easily have been a flat or shrill subject. Not that the book lacks urgency - on the contrary, the reality of these individuals and their struggles gives tremendous weight to her pleas for understanding and involvement in the lives of adolescent girls. Pipher's analysis hits its limitations for, however, where her worldview prevents her from anchoring her advice to any sort of absolute. As a Christian, there are parts of her thesis (the need for authenticity above all else) that I take exception to; the Scriptures make it clear that the main part of our struggle with futility lies not in the fact that we are not being true to ourselves, but that are selves are not true enough to be true to. We were damaged in the Fall, and only by placing our very beings under the control of a perfectly wise and good God can we find the inner consonance that we are seeking. I was struck with the irony of Pipher's dismissal of this philosophy when I read the account of "Jody," a happy, healthy, responsible girl from a home the author describes as `fundamentalist Christian.' Pipher is mystified by Jody's happiness and personal success, confused at how she can have escaped the stultifying influences of "traditional sex roles ... physical punishments ... strict religion and the conformity of family members." To my disappointment, she comes away concluding that sure, things might be OK for Jody now, but she'll probably be less successful when she's older. Other disappointments - her approval of divorce rather than reconciliation, of drug experimentation, of any sexual behavior that she deems 'authentic,' and so on. Still, even with these caveats, Pipher's book is fascinating, moving, and a much-needed warning for parents to keep the lines of communication with their daughters firmly fixed open and to work to adapt their daughters' environment to appropriately protect them.

This has the same problem so many advice books have, it's just pages and pages of saying the same thing, usually something we all already know, over and over again in as many ways as the writer can find to say it and fill pages. It's a waste of time and money.
SAVING THE SELVES OF ADOLESCENT GIRLS is such an important topic in this day and age of sexual exploitation, that I had great hopes for this book and bought it for my daughter, who had a baby daughter. When I finally got around to reading it myself I was just embarrassed that I'd given it to her. There's no real advice here, unless you've been living in a cave.

Mary Pipher, a talented therapist, in her book Reviving Ophelia, narrates cases of her patients in the 1990s, who sought and received concrete professional advice. It is about adolescent girls who faced problems, such as the pressure to have sex, to use drugs and alcohol, family instability and violence. These problems are still very relevant today. Furthermore, teenage girls today face more challenges because of the advancements in technology. I have recently read in the paper that a failing student told her teacher: "I know that you're a really good teacher, but you don't seem to realize I have two hours a night of Facebook and over 4,000 text messages a month to deal with. How do you expect me to do my homework?" Apparently modern communication technologies that sometimes threaten civil liberties also deflect students from their studies. Female adolescents nowadays strive to be skinny, attractive and sexy. Attractiveness is more often sufficient for a girl's success than a good character, talent or academic achievements. Her good looks may outweigh her math ability or other proficiencies. Millions of teenagers can't control their impulses, can't form attachment and lack social and emotional skills. Pipher brings to light what today's culture does to teenage girls. The book might be helpful to some diligent parents how to ease the tumult of their adolescent daughters.

I was born 87 years ago in a small town in Poland. The standard of living, for most people, in those days would be categorized today to be below poverty level. Still, teenagers seemed to be happier then than they are today. I never heard about adolescents committing suicide. I did not see teenagers killing themselves even during the Holocaust. Nowadays, many youngsters, enjoying personal freedom, where "love and reason" prevail, kill themselves. My great-grandparents had twenty eight children. In the absence of indoor plumbing, disposable diapers, telephones, refrigerators, cars etc. it was obviously more difficult to raise children then than it is today. Parents had no time to apply reason or persuasion dealing with their kids; parents' word was the law. It seems that the children raised themselves by observation. They noticed the deferential esteem manifested by their parents towards their parents' parents. Children inhaled the aura of deference for parents and grandparents as well as for teachers. The emphasis was on academics and hobbies rather than makeup and fashion. Adolescence is an extraordinary time when individual's physical and cultural developments shape the entrance to adulthood. The impact of adolescence is unmatched by any other life stage. From the age of thirteen, when the Germans invaded Poland till the age of eighteen, being starved and oppressed, how could I blossom and grow to become a healthy normal adult? Well, my parents' principles were my beacon in time of darkness. My strong desire to be reunited with my extended family kept me, as a teenager, striving to survive three years of captivity in concentration camps in Nazi Germany. Nowadays, many girls, and boys, don't have that parental beacon. My empirical life had convinced me that even grown children will only gain by listening to their devoted parents. Wisdom comes with age by virtue of having been around longer. Our sages said, thousands of years ago: "Who is a wise person? A wise person is the one that learns from his experience, but the wisest person is the one that learns from somebody else's experience, and this obviously includes parents."Today's technological sophistication should not intrinsically ignore the wisdom of sages who lived thousands of years ago. They imparted more wisdom than prattle.

Pipher, as a little girl reading "The Diary of Anne Frank" said:" when I discovered the evil that people do to each other I wanted to die. I didn't really want to be part of a species that produced the Nazis (page 163)." In my adolescence, I had been subjected to unimaginable horrors; if ever there was a hell on earth, this was it. I have emotional and physical scars ever since that are constant reminders. I am not choosing to be depressed which might affect relationships; traumatic memories linger on and feed misery and often depression. I have terrible nightmares that rob me of sleep and rest. I didn't choose to be an innocent victim in 1939; I don't want to be one today. Alcohol or drugs, anorexia or bulimia, cutting or killing yourself is so wrenching. It would have been the wrong tonic to my real problems. I don't intend to overly idealize the past. However, since suffering is a teacher, I am just taking the liberty to add a suggestion to Pipher's professional advice to troubled adolescents: count your blessings! Appreciate the personal freedom to pursue happiness in this blessed county. When your plate is full, don't complain.
When I was a little boy, most of my classmates came to school on an empty stomach and the school provided neither breakfast nor lunch. Nowadays, having the means to live should make life meaningful. Adopt Plato's 2400 year old maxim "an appreciative mind is a great mind" Getting up in the morning look at your surroundings, take nothing for granted; see everything as phenomenal. To be spiritual is to be amazed; isn't it? A meaningfully productive activity and making a positive difference in the lives of others will definitely contribute to your happiness.

I was disappointed in this book. I realize it was written MANY years ago, but I was saddened to see only a worldly view of raising girls. I was hoping for a more spiritual/Christian standpoint. This book is certainly out of date, but I expected that since it was written in 1994. I do not necessarily agree with all of her diagnosis or interpretations of situations.

It saddens me that there are so many negative reviews about this book. As of this writing, there are approximately 90 3-star, 2-star, and 1-star reviews (out of 423 total reviews). I read this book when my daughter was still young; she is now 27 years old and a masterpiece of a young lady. It was helpful to read how so many adolescent girls primp and strut and try to impress (both boys and each other), rather than focus on education and self-development. I have recommended this book several times over the years, to people with teenage daughters, always followed by sincere thank-yous for the recommendation. This book and Pipher's earlier book "The Shelter of Each Other" include timeless advice about growing a girl into a woman. One of the phrases that has stuck with me is (from memory), "There was nothing wrong with this girl (a patient of Dr. Pipher's) that a grandfather wouldn't cure." In other words, the girl didn't need therapy, she needed parenting. Parents, read this book. Read it BEFORE you need it. Then pay attention and guide your girls to be the intelligent, capable women they are meant to be -- not the sexy/sexual "things" that society wants them to be. They will thank you. It might take a few decades, but they will eventually thank you.

The author descries the role of society in the destructive personality changes that she sees in her young female
patients. We would be heartless not to be touched by some of these case histories.

These girls all seem to have one thing in common: the loss of their "true selves".

AYE, THERE'S THE RUB!

For the auther, the "true self" is always the pre-adolescent self.

Thus young girls who are aggressive as children and passive as
adults appear to have lost the positive aspects of aggressiveness.

When girls and boys are asked to describe the kind of animal that they would dream to be,
most of the boys describe themselves as preditors. Most
girls describe themselves as more passive creatures. One girl
even describes herself as a rose.

How sick to be a rose, when she could be a lion.
How could this child trade the killer instincts of a lion
for the calm, passive beauty of a rose.

It must be society that has emphesized the need
for beauty to such an extent. Why else would a
girl make such a choice, when all of Nature
points towards the predators as the inheritors of the
earth.

The book is worth reading because of its case
histories. It is also worth reading because of its
revelations on the lack of scientific objectivity
of its author

The book Reviving Ophelia by Mary Pipher was different from any other book I have ever read. I haven't ever read a psychological book before and i found it fascinating. Mary Pipher was great at researching and finding out every detail needed to make this book interesting. I had never noticed the change that takes place in girls during adolescence until now. She describes in great detail what "dramatic thing that happens to girls in early adolescence." There are highs and lows in a girls life, mainly brought about by peers. I felt that the first chapter lead the reader into the book and the stories of the girls helped to enfasis these points. I am very interested in psychology though also, and that may be why this book was not extremely boring. Also being a girl, I could relate to what was happening to these girls because either I had experienced it or I had witnessed it through others. The book describes that "girls know that they are losing themselves" and I believe that in troubled teens it is true. Although the book was great to me I could honestly say that it is not for everyone. Any guy would hate it. I do feel though that it is necessary for the majority of teenage girls to read this. Reviving Ophelia made me re-evaluate my life and helped me to become more of what I want to be. It helped me to figure out why i don't get along with my mother and what to do in such a superficial society. I also think that this book would be great for any paretn of a teenage daughter. A lot of what is going on with the daughter is linked to the parents, acoording to this book. The book does get repetitive in some parts but in the end it is worth reading every bit if you fall in the category of an adolescent girl or a parent.

Reviving Ophelia, was the best book I have ever read. It explains why girls are the way they are, and all of the pressures we have to deal with. I should have all of the self confidence in the world, I am pretty, was voted most popular girl in my grade, got Homecoming Queen, am a total jock. To everyone else I have the absolute perfect life. But what everyone doesn't know is I have been battling Anorexia for the past four years, and it has been hell. I totally fit the Anorexic stereotype, I always want to be the best at everything I do. Looking at me you couldn't tell I am really anorexic, I look average, perfect for my size. This book had me see what it has been like for my parents the pain it causes them. This book just describes some problem that every girl will have in her adolescent life, and how we deal with it and how are parents have to struggle to understand us. I am so glad I read this book, I think it should be required for everyone, boys, girls, parents. It would help them understand us a lot better. Reviving Ophelia shows the problem with our society, the way they make girls want to be this and that so we can get all of the guys. Our society is what needs to change!!

This book is written in layperson's language, by a therapist in the Midwest specializing in adolescent girls. While the book is anecdotal, it does an excellent job of showing us the environment we create for young girls when they are no longer little "eunuchs" but go through puberty. I have two girls, ages 9 and 12. I asked several local school therapists if they considered the book a bit sensational, and the unanimous opinion was NO. Her descriptions of how society devalues and degrades girls is very depressing, but towards the end she offers some concrete recommendations for how parents can minimize the damage society inflicts, and how we can build our daughters' senses of self-worth. I highly recommend this book to parents of adolescent children!! As a follow up, she has written "The Shelter of Each Other" on how families can be stronger. I'm not finished with it yet, but it is much more positive than "Reviving Ophelia", and is applicable to all families, not just those with girls

Why are more and more American girls falling prey to eating disorders, depression, addictions and suicide attempts? Mary Pipher PhD, a clinical psychologist and part-time teacher at the University of Nebraska, gives us the answers to questions we'd rather be in denial about, but can't afford to ignore. According to Pipher, we live in a "look-obsessed, media-saturated, 'girl poisoning' culture". In the younger years, girls and boys for the most part behave the same. Yet when puberty and/or junior high hits, girls are all of the sudden encouraged to be pretty and look good rather than use their brains. This book was originally written in 1995, and I think more parents want to see their kids, both boys and girls, succeed academically. However, our adolescent girls are bombarded with glossy fashion magazines, all of which have one model more skeletal than the next, and are filled with articles on how to improve your appearance (rather than how to improve your mind). In "Reviving Ophelia", Mary Pipher has published case studies of her clients, all of whom come from completely different backgrounds: from Jessica, a 14 year old with an absentee Father and social worker Mom, to 15 year old Ellie, the daughter of hard-working parents devoted to their children. It was interesting to read how a girls family background doesn't always matter- society as a whole has shaped the minds of our girls into thinking looks and social acceptance are the height of female importance. If you have a teenage daughter, or even if your girls are younger, you really ought to do yourselves a favor and read through this book. It's an unbelieveable eye-opener.

As a recent survivor of adolescence, I know firsthand how important Reviving Ophelia really is. This book shares a host of stories about girls undergoing a variety of crises--and while some seem a bit extreme, all the issues dealt with (eating disorders, peer pressure, self-inflicted harm, etc.) are becomingly frighteningly common.
I think this is a great book to be read by parents and daughters alike. When I read it, I felt a little bit less "alone" in a sense, knowing that almost all girls face rough times in adolesence. And while I had it much easier than most girls in the stories, some of the techniques the author tried with her patients were pretty helpful for me.
When my mom read it, it helped her to more fully understand what the middle school situation was like, and helped her deal with some of my troubles. It certainly surprised her that middle school is so different now than it was in her day! We both learned quite a bit in the reading.
I recommend this book without reservation, and I'm glad that there is finally a highly regarded, truthful portrait of the dangers girls must face in growing up.

Reviving Ophelia was an excellent resource for combining and analyzing issues that face adolescent girls in America today. She places particular emphasis on the negative effects of our culture and says that the best solution would involve the decrease of our girl-poisoning environment. She comments that girls face pressures to be someone who they are not and this causes loss of true self that is replaced with a false self. She boldy asserts that this is a new "problem with no name" following in the footsteps of Friedan who coined that phrase in the Feminine Mystique. Throughout the book she reviews issues such as drugs and alcohol, sex and violence, media, eating disorders, depression, and the like that all contribute to the loss of true selves. For each issue she presents, she also gives real life examples of girls in her thearapy sessions that have faced the same problems. Overall, Pipher does a great job of presenting these issues to the public, and in doing so the possiblity for help for adolescent girls is increased.

Pipher does a wonderful job of opening the reader's eyes to some of the possible problems adolescent girls might experience. She never claims that all girls have these problems, just that these specific girls do. She is in the business of awareness, not solutions. Many reviewes complain that she makes unfair generalizations and fails to offer solutions, but she never claims to do either. She explains specific problems of specific girls so that we might be on the lookout for those same problems if they occur in the lives of girls we care about. And unfortunately there are no easy solutions, otherwise we'd have these problems solved, so don't expect miracles. This kind of descriptive research is critical for getting a complete picture of life today, and the fact that this is not a broad statistical study is in no way a weakness of this book, just a false expectation of many readers.

I am a college student majoring in secondary education. I chose this book for my reading requirement because I have a daughter who is on the cusp of adolescence. After reading this book, I feel I am more alert to what can cause changes in my daughter's behavior, attitude, self esteem, and peer choices. This book also renewed my faith with the knowledge that young girls can survive bad influences in adolescence and still develop into productive, intelligent,and compassionate women. My mother said to me as I was going through the journey of adolescence, struggling with our mother-daughter relationship, "The trip is rocky and full of obstacles, but what a wonderful friend awaits us at the end of the trip." At the time, I resented her for trying to protect me, now that she has passed away I would give anything to have her protect me again.

Mary Pipher has brilliantly documented the typical American adolescent female experience. Her sensitivity, insight and love of adolescent girls is evident in the case studies that accompany topics such as family relations, sexuality, peer abuse, societal pressures,trash media values, anorexia, bulimia, etc. This book has sparked controversy among some because it portrays the adolescent female experience as one which is always wrought with pain and turmoil. This is not intentional. It just so happens that Mary works as a therapist with a population of unhealthy girls. She doesn't see too much of the healthy ones. They don't need her. In spite of this, she does tell some great stories of exceptional girls/young women who showed great courage and inner strength in the face of adversity. As a former psychotherapist who now teaches and coaches high school girls and young girls in basketball, I found the book immensely valuable in understanding behaviors, mood swings and conflicts that I encounter with my players....behaviors that previously made absolutely no sense. Since I was not a teenage girl, it is hard to understand what is going in the mind and heart of a teenage girl when on the outside, everything is seemingly OK. Better than anyone I have ever seen, Pipher takes you deep into the mind and heart of adolescent girls and explains what is going on. Her approach to therapy is also worth noting. Whereas lots of helping professionals spend lots of time trying to label a problem, Pipher immediately attacks a problem or dilemma by focusing on positive steps toward renewal or success. It is a strategy worth noting because it gives troubled girls an immediate positive perspective. If you love working with adolescent girls as much as I do or need to better understand adolescent girls as a parent or as a professional, this is a book that will give you tremendous insight.

Naomi (Vicky) Lovett a Macon State student majoring in Education. I definitely recommend this book to anyone that has any type of connection with adolscent girls. I especially like the way it is set up. The case studies of girls in different situations is excellent. I also like the fact that Dr. Pipher also includes her own adolscent years, as well as her daughter's. I wish I could have read this book before my girls became teenagers. Maybe I would have been able to understand them better, as well as handle their problems differently. Dr. Pipher's accounts of girls dealing with everything from eating disorders, attempting sucides, sexual activities, drinking, taking drugs and even self-mutilations are expertly done. I never would have thought that a book that was assigned as a class project would have held my interest as much as this one did.