Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love - Hold Me Tight

This book is a must read for anyone who wants to understand the psychology of relationships- and who would like to improve their relationships with not only their significant other, but their family and friends as well.
I was in a really rough patch in a relationship when I bought this book, and the knowledge that I learned from "Hold Me Tight" helped me to realize that both of our actions were in fact pleas for love and affection. It took six months of constant work from that point on, but my relationship is now stronger than ever and I am the happiest with a boyfriend that I've ever been.
What I didn't expect, was that this information extends to all relationships; so if you have a strained relationship with your family, this could help you communicate with them in an effective, healthy manner as well.
Overall, this book changed my life and I can't recommend it enough to anyone looking to learn how to have more fulfilling relationships.

If Anyone / Couples, wants to improve their understanding of each other and is open to really good research and counseling; They Will Read This Book! Better yet Listen to it.
My Wife and I did; it was the help that Saved Us!!

Love it And YOU WILL TOO!

This book is so easy to relate to. I have only read the first section so far, but I did that in one night. It was really hard to put down. I am already employing some of the ideas in my current relationship and it is working wonders.

This is a great book if you are really stuck. If that is really where you are at then a therapist that uses this approach would be the better then the book. The book is great if you are able to have these conversations and are really committed to the process. If you are in a good relationship and need to work just on slight dips in a relationship this book is not very adaptable to the situation and assumes the relationship is in the worst way,.

To me, it read like a novel - it was that interesting and insightful. I would highly recommended to anyone seeking to improve their relationship while learning about the deeper dynamic behind all human relationships.

As a couples therapist, many people ask me if I can recommend a marriage book for them. Without hesitation, the book I continually refer to is Dr. Sue Johnson's Hold Me Tight. Dr. Johnson is an international leader in the field of marriage and family therapy. Over the last several decades, she has pioneered significant research into what creates secure loving connection in adult love relationships and understanding how it goes wrong.

Hold Me Tight is different than other self help books in that it is not just "good advice" or a gimmicky approach to understanding men and women. Rather, it is a book designed to help you understand yourself and your partner on a much deeper level. Using vignettes from other real couples, she describes the negative patterns of interaction we all can get stuck in.

Many couples return to me and say, "She wrote our biography," or "I can't believe how similar we were to that one couple. Their fight was almost word for word what ours looks like." Hold Me Tight is not about fixing the content issues in your relationship. It is about much more than that. It doesn't really matter what we are fighting about: finances, in-laws, parenting, etc. we do it the same way every time.

Hold Me Tight helps you understand what that pattern looks like and why you do it. Because there really is a good reason why we do the things we do. Unfortunately, it usually isn't really helpful in building connection. Once we understand why we blame, criticize, shut down, withdraw, or defend, we can then understand how to fix it and find the safety, connection, and joy that we long for in our relationships.

This book by Dr. Johnson outlines the most important aspects of having a healthy relationship. She defines love and how the human brain organizes the importance of our love relationships. She makes sense of the odd behaviors that happen in relationships and gives us a clear understanding of how to walk through our intense emotions. She outlines how to work through a relationship injury and create a closer more intimate bond. She unveils the mystery behind intimacy and what each partner is longing for from the other. This book is the most accurate account of what gets in the way of having a healthy relationship and how to resolve those issues. I have suggested this book to everyone I know in a relationship and highly recommend it to you.

This book is phenomenal and EFT is going to change the world. The book is focused on what causes triggers in the relationship, how if effects us, and what we can do to change. At the end of the day, we have a problem in American with the high level of divorce. It is so damaging to the family and our society at large. This form of therapy can help.. Do yourself a favor and buy this book and do the work. It will help you and your family no matter how big your problems.

"How could she know what we did?" I wondered, after reading a couple chapters of this book. Dr. Sue Johnson was surely in the room with us on many occasions - or so it seemed. The book was recommended by a marriage counselor I respected, though my wife had no interest in reconciliation, even with a 30 year investment. My goal was to attempt to understand how I might work to correct things if we were together, or to do a better job if I were to enter a new relationship. I have given the book to a daughter and a sister, both of whom were very enthusiastic about it. If you really care about yourself and your ability to have a solid and rewarding relationship, this book is a great opportunity to begin moving in that direction.

Dr. Johnson's explanations and advice is the best I have heard in 30 years. The disk are about 9+ hours but worth your investment in time to listen and re-listen too. She explains the dynamics of the under-current or as she says "the dance" in relationship communications. I highly recommend these tapes to anyone wanting to end reoccurring communicators breakdowns. A must in building healthy communication patterns.

This is a great book. it dives deep into why we fight. it ignores how to fight. whats fair what not. whats healthy what is not, all do not matter. what is actually important is how we feel and how we cause each other to feel. just because you are right does not mean that I am not hurting. a bit of warning for this book. there is a good chance this will make you fight more to begin with because you will talk about things you normally both just let slide. until you can learn to truly empathize with your spouse things will never get better but when you do your spouse will know that you know and care about THEM.

I have absolutely no connection with the author, only a desire to contribute to others. Curious as to who writes these reviews, I'm 56, male, my wife surprised me by divorcing me after a 20 year marriage, and have two children in college. I have two graduate degrees and read a far amount of self-help books.

Sue Johnson's book may truly be the best relationship book I've ever read, as it will forever change my understanding of relationships for the better.

This book is interesting and clear, balancing anecdotes with straightforward descriptions of her conceptual observations. According to Johnson, she gained her novel and deep insights from watching, and watching and re-watching videos of couples struggling in therapy using the best previously known tools. She listened to couples describe their relationship using "life and death" language. The existing tools, such as analysis and insights regarding childhood relationships, how to be reasonable, mirroring listening skills, and negotiation training, didn't seem to work.

Building on others' insights, Johnson came up with what she calls EFT: "Emotionally Focused Therapy." The thesis is that all people, including successful intellectuals, seek at the core of their relationship emotional attachment and safety. There are key negative and positive emotional moments that define the relationship. Seems mundane, but yet as I read the book, I found myself getting so many gems and Ah-Ha's that my copy is now underlined with post-its sticking out the side. I got tremendous insight, not only into my pain and struggles and my girlfriend's, but tools on how to repair emotional injuries and connect better.

The book is composed of seven conversations that are aimed at encouraging a special kind of emotional responsiveness described as the key to lasting love for couples. This emotional responsiveness has three main components with the acronym "ARE:"
Accessibility (Can I reach you?);
Responsiveness (Can I rely on you to respond to me emotionally?); &
Engagement (Do I know you will value me and stay close?)

Johnson claims great success with therapy using the EFT model and I believe it. She describes three typical patterns that couples often get stuck in: (1) Find the Bad Guy; (2) The Protest Polka; and (3) Freeze and Flee. The first and third are pretty self-descriptive. Johnson describes The Protest Polka as the most widespread and ensnaring, involves one person reaching out, albeit in a negative way, the other person withdrawing and the pattern repeating. I immediately saw that I often play the role of the protester, trying to get a reassuring connection, followed by feeling worse when my partner withdraws.

I'm now more than two-thirds through this book and am now finishing the chapter on the fifth conversation--Forgiving Injuries. Even if the remainder of this book is dribble, what I've read so far leaves me confident recommending it.

On a side note, I've been trained in Marshall Rosenberg's "Nonviolent Communications," also known as NVC, or "Compassionate Communications." Raised by two science oriented parents, I became a husband, father and attorney that was clueless regarding emotions. I believed that negative emotions were enemies and obstacles to higher living. When I stumbled across NVC around the age of 40, I suddenly learned, for the first time in my life, the very helpful role of negative emotions, and now consider them to be good friends, albeit still challenging. Negative emotions provide indicators of the needs that are wanting. NVC helped me tremendously and heartily recommend that as well.

I have the 2008 version of "Hold Me Tight; Seven Conversations . . . " by Sue Johnson

This book gives the reader powerful insights into their own vulnerabilities. For people who really want to LOVE. Realizing that we are all broken in different places, the author uses other couples dialogue to guide us back together. When our broken pieces fit back together - we're whole with another. This book helps in all interpersonal and group relationships. When we can see ourselves clearly, we can then validate others! Give this as a gift to as many people as possible and the world will be a better place.

Good book with helpful exercises for a married couple who have a strong marriage and are just having the common communication difficulties. If you are having more serious marriage problems, such as a cheating spouse, no book in the world can really help.

Dr. Sue Johnson gets to the heart of the matter. It is our dances "Protest Polka" that we need to stop inorder to improve our marriages. The tools in this book can be applied to any relationship issues.

Dr. Johnson reaches beyond the arguments, polarized stances, and moves couples together in an ultimate respectful fashion with each individual's integrity still standing. A must read for therapists yet clearly yet for couples wishing to improve their relationship.

Good book with helpful exercises for a married couple who have a strong marriage and are just having the common communication difficulties. If you are having more serious marriage problems, such as a cheating spouse, no book in the world can really help.

Dr. Sue Johnson gets to the heart of the matter. It is our dances "Protest Polka" that we need to stop inorder to improve our marriages. The tools in this book can be applied to any relationship issues.

Dr. Johnson reaches beyond the arguments, polarized stances, and moves couples together in an ultimate respectful fashion with each individual's integrity still standing. A must read for therapists yet clearly yet for couples wishing to improve their relationship.

Great book. Unfortunately, it is VERY heterosexual and gender-stereotypical. I wish it was a little more flexible because the lesson is useful to all relationships, not just those that stick strictly with heterosexual roles.

I found this book helpful in that if presented a theory and then gave concrete examples from therapy sessions of how to move through and practice and apply the techniques. It also has play and practice sections that ask you questions and help you apply these practices to your own relationship. Both partners have to be open to this practice...otherwise it could end up being a disaster! I could imagine it being very frustrating even if you are both in therapy with one fully versed in this process.

I recommend Hold Me Tight to my therapy clients constantly. My clients say repeatedly, "Our fights are in this book on page...." I have read literally dozens of popular couple and family books over 30 years and this is the best at addressing feelings of closeness, connection and chronic repetitive fights or deadening and withdrawal in the relationship.
Readers connect to the book. Resolving the issues of feeling connected, your partner having your back, feeling alive in your partner's mind frees a couple to communicate and resolve long-standing issues quickly. Johnson also works with Gay and Lesbian couples, and this book seems to talk to their experience as well.
Often couples fight when they don't feel their relationship is solid. This book really speaks to clients and is the best explanation of the complicated "attachment issues." This book brings that concept to life and makes it clear. By illuminating how to go through the seven core conversations she helps couples move to a happier, more intimate relationships. She debunks the myth that relationships have to grow stale. She is happily married herself and she knows how wonderful a strong connection can be. A few clients find the book challenging to read but still feel that it is explaining something important to them.
I am very familiar with Sue Johnson's work. She is by far the best clinician writing about and researching marital therapy. Amazingly, her method resolves even very difficult cases in about 12 longish sessions. John Gottman calls her the world's best marital therapist.
I have watched her do therapy many times on video at workshops and advanced trainings. She is magic, but so far her books have been aimed at professionals and were too complex for even many professionals to understand, let alone clients. This one works!

The information is interesting enough. However, I got the audiobook and the narration is whiny and the dialogue is tedious. I might have been able to suspend disbelief if I had just been reading it but the narration makes me gag a little.

This is a 'kiss and make up book'... Real problems and issues are not discussed, nor is there any indication of real help to resolve those issues. Each of the couples, in this book who are used as examples, simple 'see' the error of their ways, and magically they put their arms each other and the problem is simply, quickly, and efficiently resolved; my goodness, just by reading this they are likely to live blissfully together and happily ever after. This addresses attachment issues, but the nitty/gritty issues of a marriage are just glossed over. It simplifies the problems that pull couples apart. By reading this book the resolutions are simple, and everybody sees the error or their ways, these couples make up with little struggle, and all is well. Not very realistic for couples who truly have serious problems.

For years I have longed for this book, and it is finally here!

Dr. Johnson, the most brilliant mind in the field of couple therapy, has laid out the process of building a strong, happy, secure relationship with wit, charm and passion. This book will strengthen couples, save marriages, and bring peace to homes throughout the world. Read this book - you will not be sorry!

My bishop in my church recommended this book. I was able to learn from this book on how to tell my husband why I was upset about things instead of just getting mad. And because of it, I've learned to really communicate with my husband. It's been a big help and it was a very interesting read. Wonderful book! Happy with my purchase. Good price and shipping time was quick.

My husband and I are reading this at the suggestion of our counselor. We are not talking divorce or anything like that, just giving our marriage the attention it deserves. This book focuses on love and bonding. Very nicely written as well.

If you are having trouble in your relationship this is the best book that I have ever read. It was recommended to me by my counselor and I first got it from my local library. After reading about 1/2 way through I realized I wanted to purchase the book so I could highlight sections, make side notes, etc. I feel it is something you should try and read along with your spouse/partner so that you are both understanding what is going on in your relationship and steps to make it better. It's well worth your time to read if your relationship is important to you and you are having trouble for whatever reason.

There is a very powerful message in this book. Every relationship has a chance to succeed as long as each person is understood and heard. I would recommend the book to anyone who is trying to build deeper relationships in their lives. I learned a lot by reading this book and have continued to refer back to it when feeling stuck in a bad pattern in a relationship.

This book will really help you understand yourself and the person you are trying to connect with. I read this book when me and my wife were having some very troubling times in our marriage. It helped me discover why I was doing and saying the things I was, and it also helped me understand what issues my wife was having. Now this didn't really help her that much because she didn't read the book, but just knowing the reason's why was very helpful as it made me realize that I was not the sole reason for her issues. This book will also help you communicate better to other people as well as it's main focus is not on what is being said but the emotion connected to what is being said. It is that emotion that you really need to focus on, so that way you can respond in a way that they feel connected to you. If you have ever had a conversation with your wife and she is explaining something to you and you are like yeah I get it. Then she responds no that's not it maybe I am just explaining it wrong. Well she is explaining it wrong because she is not explaining her emotional attachments to the events that transpired. She is merely explaining the event. For us men to understand what most women want they have to explain the emotional attachment, that is the only way two people can connect properly. Most women don't want us to solve the problem they just want us to recognize their emotional need and address that need. This book helps you pick on those ques and also teaches you how to express your's.

Before I read this book I didn't think my 19 year relationship was fixable. This book makes it easy to understand why relationships get stuck in unhealthy patterns and gives you the way to correct the problems. I would recommend this book to anyone who wants to repair their relationship.

While the information is quite good there are two problems. 1.) The writer/researcher likes to blow her own horn and 2.) the reader's voice is beyond annoying. She has a weird mid-west twang and when she does "mens" voices she makes them really harsh and more annoying. If the information wasn't so important I wouldnt be able to stay with it.

This book was recommended to me by a friend at work (we are both men). I learned more about my past relationships than ever and know how to keep from making the same mistakes in my future relationships. This book has given me the tools I need to make a lasting bond. I can't say enough about how eye-opening this book was for me. I initially bought the CD's, but ordered the hardback so I could earmark and make notes in it.

Generally, the process is pretty simple. It does not talk about communication techniques or anger management; it talks about repairing the wounds that make communication difficult. It talks about falling in love and staying in love. It obliterates the dated belief that love is only about being accustomed to somebody else. Above all, it made me realize that I'm not as different as I thought; I'm not broken. I'm normal.

Read this book!

This book is easy to read and is excellent from the begining. The tools to helping your relationship are easy to understand and the best ive found. You can spend a lot of time alone or money for counseling, or just buy this book. Easy!

This is a simple but really good read that takes the attachment parenting theory and applies it to relationship. It helped my relationship become a much better more whole and safe sanctuary and I highly recommend it!

Dr. Susan Johnson provides one of the best frame works that couples may use to identify deep emotional causes for the chronic arguments they experiecne. Then she teaches the couples how to resolve these emotional disconnects. Sears Taylor

Was suggested by a couples counselor. Very informative about the emotional states of relationships. Explains the connections of past experiences (childhood) and how those experiences play into your relationships later on in life.

This book helped me strengthen the loving bond between me and my wife. We worked through our differences through the teachings of this book.

However, I then learned she was having an affair with the neighbor. In a fit of rage I threw this book at her and gave her a concussion. Would recommend again.

A book that should be read by everybody : single or in couple. It gives an insight on how we build our love relationships or are stuck in frustrating dialogues, these turning then in separation, frustration, grief, anger, etc. It gives also hints and information on how to reconcile with one's partner, to cure emotional hurts and build a loving relationship for the long run.
You can read it for your own sake, alone or with your partner. Extremely interesting alsofor couples' therapists.

Nicole Mahieux
psychotherapist for individuals and couples.

Having gone through a particularly tumultuous time in our marriage, my husband and I were feeling stuck. Traditional marriage and family therapists had suggested we call it quits but I knew that there had to be a better way. "Hold Me Tight" was recommended as a way to look at relationships differently - through the lense of attachment and acceptance; safety and security. It is truly saving our relationship. I would highly recommend this to any couple who thinks that there is some hope for their relationship yet don't know where to turn.

Touching, helpful, heart-warming and practical, Dr. Johnson has at last put words to the latest research into happy marriages for the average person. Reading it is not intellectual: each time I pick up this book I feel like I could not only understand my spouse's behavior in a deeper way, but also my own.

I can't recommend this book enough. I read the first few chapters, bought three more copies (one for my spouse), and gave the other two to friends who were in stressful moments with their own spouses. One couple now reads from the book to one another each night, and (like I did) recommended it to two other couples before they got through the first 3 chapters. The other couple bought a 2nd copy so that they could each have it available to them every day, and are now each avidly reading on their morning commutes.

In short, readers seem to find Dr. Johnson's book incredibly helpful, almost immediately. Dr. Johnson's clear, from-the-heart style seems immediately comprehensible to anyone who has ever been in love, or wanted to be. And rest of the book was even better than the beginning.

You know you've got a winner when you give a book to two friends, who each immediately give it to their two friends, and so on. Don't suffer needlessly: give this one a try for under $20!

A Great Introduction to Attachment Theory! I'm really glad that this was an assigned text for my couples counseling class as it was just what I was looking for: A light introduction to attachment theory without all of the technical jargon. While I've seen a critique that this was just for "couples", I completely disagree as it is very thorough on showing how we build attachments during our development and in relationships, what neurochemicals are released, and how we can understand and help fix those early wounds.

I just ordered four more copies to give as gifts this Christmas. If my wife and I had had this book when we were dating, we would have gotten married ten years sooner!!

Inexpensive book. Valuable lessons!

This book gives couples a different and useful perspective to their relationship issues. Understanding why we fight or distance ourselves is a very useful shift that goes beyond simple communication skills.

I loved this book! It really help me understand myself as well as my partner, but I recommend that both you and your partner should read this book to make the best of it. Hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

Thank you,

Blanca

This review is only based on the first 122 pages (40% through the book). I couldn't continue reading after the author said of a relationship that included physical abuse, "on most days, their relationship was a safe haven of loving responsiveness."

This was following a number of examples of relationship abuse where the author places equal responsibility on the victim and works with the couple to keep them from ending the relationship.

Based on the author's descriptions of the couples she works with and her anecdotes about her own relationships (at one point, she blames her son for making her lose her temper at him because his pouting makes her feel unloved), I don't trust her to know what a healthy relationship looks like.

The approach to therapy that she describes may be effective, but if your relationship resembles the stories in this book, couples therapy is not likely to be the right course of action for you. Please take a look at [...]

I had seen the author on a webinar, knew I wanted to book as it would be beneficial for me professionally. "Hold Me Tight" arrived in a timely manner, condition was like new--no damage, and the contents gives a new perspective on relationships,what is happening when there is dissatisfaction,unhappiness, and how to heal the relationship. Author Sue Johnson is one of the kindest, most compassionate therapist I've listened to and her writing reflects this along with her intelligence and insight.

I recommend this book for those who need a bit more perspective on why they get in such crazy fights, or who have a tendency to devalue their marriage: I am glad I read a fair amount and got my husband to read just as much but we did get bogged down after a while and did not finish it. We scored incredibly low on the ARE questionnaire (0 and 2) at first which was rather discouraging but we have improved since then: remember that a low score is not just a reflection on the recipient but on the overall quality of the relationship and the giver's willingness to trust the recipient. (Another person may score you much higher.)

After having this book for 9 months (and still needing help) I purchased a different one: Six Secrets of a Lasting Relationship by Mark Goulston: it finishes the job as far as I am concerned. Personally I liked the use of the acronym CREATE to organize the book:(Chemistry,Respect, Enjoyment, Acceptance, Trust and Empathy). It gets to the heart of what is most important quickly and can be read and used much more quickly than Hold Me Tight.

In Six Secrets, each chapter covers its subject thoroughly with a variety of approaches to dealing with each problem and a good description of the most common array of difficulties. The organization allows you to skip to the areas of greatest concern as I did. Empathy is encouraged throughout but delved into more deeply near the end. If one's spouse is resistant to marriage books then you can read it by yourself (like I did) and still find it quite helpful. It urges spouses who are getting disrespect (me) to stick up for themselves in a dignified manner while doing what it takes to foster their own self-respect, just what I needed: the examples help one to see how much this can improve the situation while giving perspective as to why we may be stuck. The chapter on empathy showed how to provide empathy when needed but also how to stick up for oneself. I had already taken some measures but this helped me finish the job: it works.

The Six Secrets book not only helps one confront disrespect but also helps one to confront one's own character defects which may be leading to disrespect. The book gives a good list of such defects: I could easily see how I had played a role in my disrespect and how my spouse played a role in my disrepect of him. Seeing these causes spelled out made it much easier for me to address them.

I loved the following passage from Six Secrets of a Lasting Relationship on p286 to be used after a husband comes home in a foul mood from work and the wife uses empathy to help him get a grip: He should not be given a free pass no matter how compassionate your empathy makes you feel. After you've defused the situation and made him feel understood, look him in the eye and say, "You know, when bad things happen at work, I'd really appreciate it if you don't take it out on me. I'm on your side."

My only complaint is that Six Secrets lets those who disrespect their spouses off the hook too easily, saying they should just leave if they can't come up with such respect, when in some cases their values seem quite skewed. I think he could have questioned those values more, in such a case I would definitely recommend the book Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson because it lays out much more clearly what one stands to lose.

Hold Me Tight might also help if there is some unresolved pain from the past but Six Secrets of a Lasting Relationship may get to the same place more quickly. I do think that both books could cover gender differences more thoroughly, especially the differences in style when it comes to apologies, but I had already had those differences covered by a counselor and was very ready for these books which place far less emphasis on gender differences, my husband and I both probably have high testosterone levels, so chemistry wasn't a problem but fighting was. We are also reversed from the norm when it comes to focus vs. multitasking so the gender focused books did not have a great deal of appeal. I especially take issue with those which imply that women do not need respect as much as men.

Six Secrets shows that eventually disrespect will rebound on a spouse so if men do need more respect they had better not be dishing out disrespect. It divides up the respect issue fairly well between the sexes with examples of disrespect in both sexes and it was easy to see myself in the disrespected person's shoes regardless of gender. It could probably use a few more examples of women behaving badly in the trust department since that seems to be tilted against men but I'll admit that I haven't read the whole thing yet and in any case, it does cover the measures which may be needed to restore trust (while not guaranteeing its restoration).

I would recommend anything Dr. Johnson writes as her emphasis on emotions and attachment is the best theoretical standard so far. Though this book is written for the public, I think it is a bit long winded in places and not clear enough in others. Some of the theory of attachment for adults and cases illustrations need beefing up: more examples as to how attachment problems evidence themselves in marriages and secondly, longer case presentations to give you a more complete feel of the application and techniques.

The best book to give couples in or out of therapy is John Gottman's The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert (Paperback). It is well organized, reader friendly, and a great teaching aide to couples therpy. It is itself a class in what makes marriages work.

I like the way Sue Johnson uses attachment theory to help couples better understand and empathize with one another. I think she does a good job of naming and externalizing relationship patterns we all can get into. But I don't think her book should be used without the help of a therapist. In her book she doesn't do justice to the impact of personal psychology and gender narratives on relationships. In her vignettes the individuals rarely seem to ask themselves what their basic values are and who they want to be as individuals and in their relationships. Instead it feels like she's using attachment theory to make hurtful behavior (mostly male behavior) intelligible. In some vignettes this behavior gets normalized. I think this is a step backwards for women who typically struggle to create and maintain boundaries in their relationships. Understanding and working on attachment issues in couples counselling increases empathy and understanding but this is only the first step in a long process of each person becoming conscious and responsible for their behavior.

I recommend this book for those who need a bit more perspective on why they get in such crazy fights, or who have a tendency to devalue their marriage: I am glad I read a fair amount and got my husband to read just as much but we did get bogged down after a while and did not finish it. We scored incredibly low on the ARE questionnaire (0 and 2) at first which was rather discouraging but we have improved since then: remember that a low score is not just a reflection on the recipient but on the overall quality of the relationship and the giver's willingness to trust the recipient. (Another person may score you much higher.)

After having this book for 9 months (and still needing help) I purchased a different one: Six Secrets of a Lasting Relationship by Mark Goulston: it finishes the job as far as I am concerned. Personally I liked the use of the acronym CREATE to organize the book:(Chemistry,Respect, Enjoyment, Acceptance, Trust and Empathy). It gets to the heart of what is most important quickly and can be read and used much more quickly than Hold Me Tight.

In Six Secrets, each chapter covers its subject thoroughly with a variety of approaches to dealing with each problem and a good description of the most common array of difficulties. The organization allows you to skip to the areas of greatest concern as I did. Empathy is encouraged throughout but delved into more deeply near the end. If one's spouse is resistant to marriage books then you can read it by yourself (like I did) and still find it quite helpful. It urges spouses who are getting disrespect (me) to stick up for themselves in a dignified manner while doing what it takes to foster their own self-respect, just what I needed: the examples help one to see how much this can improve the situation while giving perspective as to why we may be stuck. The chapter on empathy showed how to provide empathy when needed but also how to stick up for oneself. I had already taken some measures but this helped me finish the job: it works.

The Six Secrets book not only helps one confront disrespect but also helps one to confront one's own character defects which may be leading to disrespect. The book gives a good list of such defects: I could easily see how I had played a role in my disrespect and how my spouse played a role in my disrepect of him. Seeing these causes spelled out made it much easier for me to address them.

I loved the following passage from Six Secrets of a Lasting Relationship on p286 to be used after a husband comes home in a foul mood from work and the wife uses empathy to help him get a grip: He should not be given a free pass no matter how compassionate your empathy makes you feel. After you've defused the situation and made him feel understood, look him in the eye and say, "You know, when bad things happen at work, I'd really appreciate it if you don't take it out on me. I'm on your side."

My only complaint is that Six Secrets lets those who disrespect their spouses off the hook too easily, saying they should just leave if they can't come up with such respect, when in some cases their values seem quite skewed. I think he could have questioned those values more, in such a case I would definitely recommend the book Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson because it lays out much more clearly what one stands to lose.

Hold Me Tight might also help if there is some unresolved pain from the past but Six Secrets of a Lasting Relationship may get to the same place more quickly. I do think that both books could cover gender differences more thoroughly, especially the differences in style when it comes to apologies, but I had already had those differences covered by a counselor and was very ready for these books which place far less emphasis on gender differences, my husband and I both probably have high testosterone levels, so chemistry wasn't a problem but fighting was. We are also reversed from the norm when it comes to focus vs. multitasking so the gender focused books did not have a great deal of appeal. I especially take issue with those which imply that women do not need respect as much as men.

Six Secrets shows that eventually disrespect will rebound on a spouse so if men do need more respect they had better not be dishing out disrespect. It divides up the respect issue fairly well between the sexes with examples of disrespect in both sexes and it was easy to see myself in the disrespected person's shoes regardless of gender. It could probably use a few more examples of women behaving badly in the trust department since that seems to be tilted against men but I'll admit that I haven't read the whole thing yet and in any case, it does cover the measures which may be needed to restore trust (while not guaranteeing its restoration).

I would recommend anything Dr. Johnson writes as her emphasis on emotions and attachment is the best theoretical standard so far. Though this book is written for the public, I think it is a bit long winded in places and not clear enough in others. Some of the theory of attachment for adults and cases illustrations need beefing up: more examples as to how attachment problems evidence themselves in marriages and secondly, longer case presentations to give you a more complete feel of the application and techniques.

The best book to give couples in or out of therapy is John Gottman's The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert (Paperback). It is well organized, reader friendly, and a great teaching aide to couples therpy. It is itself a class in what makes marriages work.

I like the way Sue Johnson uses attachment theory to help couples better understand and empathize with one another. I think she does a good job of naming and externalizing relationship patterns we all can get into. But I don't think her book should be used without the help of a therapist. In her book she doesn't do justice to the impact of personal psychology and gender narratives on relationships. In her vignettes the individuals rarely seem to ask themselves what their basic values are and who they want to be as individuals and in their relationships. Instead it feels like she's using attachment theory to make hurtful behavior (mostly male behavior) intelligible. In some vignettes this behavior gets normalized. I think this is a step backwards for women who typically struggle to create and maintain boundaries in their relationships. Understanding and working on attachment issues in couples counselling increases empathy and understanding but this is only the first step in a long process of each person becoming conscious and responsible for their behavior.

I completely agree with the review of Dr. John Laughlin. Instead of reading this book I found myself skimming most of it due to the long windedness throughout. I would prefer a self help book to be more "to the point".

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is currently in fashion among couples therapists, and Sue Johnson is one of its chief architects. In Hold Me Tight, which is offered as a guide (including exercises at the end of each chapter) for couples to work through EFT on their own, Dr Johnson presents "seven conversations for a lifetime of love."

When all of the clever labels designed to help promote the brand are stripped away--"the demon dialogs," "freeze and flee," "hold me tight"--the advice comes down to this: communication with your partner in which you can be vulnerable, risk showing your frailties, and make yourself emotionally available should open the door to reciprocity by your partner and communication of deep emotional intensity, an opportunity for sharing, bonding, and building trust.

Communication in which partners are closed and defensive, on the other hand, closes the possibility for genuine emotional connection and can set off destructive spirals of recrimination and defensiveness, leading in turn to feelings of alienation and separation and, in the most severe case, dissolution of the relationship.

Any of us who has ever done "work" on ourselves or on our relationships has heard this before, and we understand the fundamental wisdom of trying to get in touch with ourselves, with our feelings, and of having the courage to give our partner access to those inner-most, most intimate places, to be willing to stand before our partner emotionally naked, trusting that they will not take advantage of our vulnerability, that they will not reject us, that they will, in a healthy relationship, embrace us.

For those who have not yet gotten to this place in the program, Sue Johnson's explanation is as lucid and usable and sensible as any, though the writing is sometimes clumsy--a social-scientific researcher trying to bring her work to a popular audience perhaps. The stories, while they may all be accurate representations of therapy sessions Dr Johnson has had with clients, seem pat and contrived, each one resolves neatly as if in a television drama: "Oh, Ricky …." Here's the basic formula: In therapy, one partner complains about the behavior of the other; the indicted partner reacts badly causing the complaining partner to suddenly open up and reveal the hidden significance of their hurt. On seeing the complaining partner so vulnerable and exposed, the indicted partner has an epiphany, allows his/her heart to open completely to the complaining partner, there is a warm embrace, literal and/or metaphorical, and the relationship is on the road to recovery.

In a concluding chapter, Johnson is honest that the moment just described is not a permanent or even a guaranteed cure: relationships require continuing work on the part of both parties. Even so, at least in Hold Me Tight, Johnson fails to acknowledge the possibility of cases in which this moment never occurs, cases in which at least one partner is so deeply guarded emotionally that his or her reaction to the other partner's vulnerability cannot be the healing embrace, but even greater defensiveness and withdrawal. Such an admission wouldn't be good for book sales. Hold Me Tight depends on optimism.

One very valuable feature of Hold Me Tight, a lesson that many of us, even those of us who have done some "work," may not have heard often enough: Sue Johnson is in league with a growing number of therapists and counselors coming from a number of different perspectives, determined to undermine forty years or so of thought that has told us that self-sufficiency is a hallmark of mental health; that our goal should be to get ourselves to a state where we do not need a relationship; that then, and only then, are we truly ready for a relationship. Anything short of a relationship built on mutual self-sufficiency is mere co-dependency. Johnson and others argue that we are hard-wired for connection, and they rely on some findings of contemporary neuro-science to bolster their argument. One only wonders how we would have ignored Maslow's hierarchy of needs, which features "belongingness and love" so prominently, for so long. Some of us will find it a relief, in our imperfect condition, to at last, be given license to seek a relationship without the foregone judgment that because we want it, we are unhealthy, and because we are unhealthy, any relationship we enter must therefore be unhealthy.

Parts I and II of Hold Me Tight give the reader the "seven conversations for a lifetime of love" that are the core of Johnson's book. Part III seems tacked on. It includes special cases, such as the chapter on trauma, and a concluding chapter, but the fundamental formula remains the same: one partner risks vulnerability; the other partner recognizes the real emotional content of behaviors and offers a healing embrace. The consistency of the theme raises the question Are these special cases really special after all?

While I have not read this book, I gifted it to a dear friend who received it with enthusiastic gratitude. It arrived in brand new, unused condition free of smoke or other smells. The reliability on the descriptions of merchandise on the store is most important and appreciated, when accurate.

The problem with therapy and relationship books is that they are all the equivalent of medieval "medicine." There is no science, no data-driven outcomes, no predictive hypothesis testing and hence no real progress. Every practitioner has their own set of nostrums, some helpful and some absurd, just like every witch-doctor has his own set of feathers and fetish items. Step forward Sue Johnson. Although she has taken only baby-steps towards a true scientific model of attachment relationships, it's welcome progress indeed. Unlike the vast majority of her peers, she grasps that our behaviors have been fashioned by selection pressure over the millennia. She looks for why such behaviors should have adaptive value, and this enables her to side-step the mumbo-jumbo of co-dependence, inappropriate behavior, etc. and get right to the heart of what seems to be going on between couples when their relationship is in trouble.

For people who want confirmation that their partner is "too clingy" or "too cold" or whatever, this is not the book for you. Nor is it a "why you should be strong and suck it up" book. It is about our basic needs, our need for at least one other adult human being to be there for us when we need it. It is about why we're wired up to be that way, what kinds of behaviors result from this hard-wiring, how things can go wrong, and how things can be fixed. At the heart of the book is Johnson's vision of us as all needing at least one refuge, one place of safety and support in an otherwise indifferent and cold universe. Unfortunately, for most people, marriage or an equivalent domestic relationship fails to provide this refuge because we keep misunderstanding our partner's needs and impulses - and very often we misunderstand our own too.

Johnson recognizes the futility of trying to change communication patterns or patterns of surface behavior when the fundamentals remain unaddressed. She walks the reader through the stages of self-understanding and then partner-understanding. She uses simplified examples from her own case histories (sometimes rather too glib) to demonstrate behavior patterns and how they can be modified and improved so that both parties can get closer to the heart of the matter.

Eventually, we'll arrive at a soundly-based science of interpersonal behavior that uses mathematical models to (i) elucidate, and (ii) predict our behaviors, at which point we'll have the possibility of truly effective therapy and also understand the fundamental limits of therapy. After all, there are plenty of things in this world that can't be fixed no matter how hard one might try. But until that day arrives, Johnson's book is a welcome precursor and a valuable tool for anyone who cares about their relationships and hopes to find a true loving refuge in which lasting love can be recrafted every day.

I stumbled into Dr. Johnson's work two weeks ago. That night, my husband and I loaded our cranky children into the van and drove to the book store. We are not quite finished with the book; we'll start Conversation 7 tonight. That night, two weeks ago, we watched her youtube videos, and I immediately dropped years of grievances against my husband. This book is like magic. I feel like I've fallen in love with my partner all over again. We are laughing and joking like our early days, having better sex, and my out-of-control anger is just... gone. And good riddance. I'd forgotten what happiness felt like.

Years ago, we bought The Five Love Languages book. I think like many other relationship self-help books (and American culture in general), it only focused on curing symptoms of emotional disconnection. Hold Me Tight is a big AHA! moment for your relationship. In fact, I'm buying the Kindle version too, so we can reference it as needed in the future without lugging the book around. Plus, I think I'll be lending our hard copy out to many couples I know, including my parents.

I have read scores of these books and they are full of the same kind of bizarrely irrelevant advice that's in most relationship counseling. Fact is, most relationship counselors have no idea why people hurt.

Johnson explains why. Despite overwhelming scientific evidence since the 1960s, despite mainstream scientific acceptance of attachment, professionals with degrees are taught to think of attachment as... wrong and deeply suspect. In other words, most couples therapists don't actually understand human beings very well.

Humans are social. They want to be connected. They must love and be loved, touch and be touched, or they will suffer and die.

Humans can terribly hurt and alienate each other in their intense desire to be connected. Johnson presents simple, clear methods to allow our desire to connect to result in connection and not alienation.

When humans are connected, they tend to stay that way. As Johnson says, "Attached relationships are the only safety Nature offers us". We want to be in them because we are human.

Most couples are slowly dying inside relationships that are barren of empathy and trust, alongside a partner who is doing the same, it's like they are thirsting to death for each other but don't know how to drink.

This book also explains who most couples are having unsatisfying and woefully incomplete sex (hint: it's nothing to do with sex)

You don't need a new relationship.

This book will re-create your relationship as a source of power, meaning and healing that flows into your whole life. It will give your children better relationships.

The only other book I know of this caliber (ie, meaningful insights that will measurably improve your relationship and life) is Love Without Hurt by Stephen Stosny.

This will be one of the best books you ever bought and a turning point in your life, for any human relationship, not just marriage.

The cd itself is ok. But I hate the fact that it doesn't come in Mp3 and conversion process is a pain. It's too expensive. I really want to return this product. Because I ended up buying it again on Audible.

This is a two-book review of Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACoA) by Janet Woititz 1983 and Hold Me Tight 2007 by Sue Johnson. I think the concepts in ACoA are necessary to understand the bigger picture surrounding Hold Me Tight and its author.

While there may be millions of ACoAs in the world, there may be billions of ACPNIs (Adult Children of Parents who Nurtured Inconsistently). You and I are likely two of them. The reason that reading ACoA helps us understand Hold Me Tight is the explanation of how inconsistent parenting predisposes adults to 13 kooky thoughts and behaviors like:

1. they don’t know what behavior is realistic to expect from others and themselves.
7. they have difficulty creating or sustaining healthy relationships.
8. they don’t reach adulthood understanding which things are theirs to influence and which are outside their control (like the behaviors of others).
9. they seek constant approval and affirmation from others.
12. they are extremely loyal to those who demonstrate they are not trustworthy (Copenhagen Syndrome), and then expect loyalty even when they do not demonstrate their trustworthiness.

All of these kooky predispositions are created not by alcohol, but, the book ACoA shows very clearly, by parents nurturing inconsistently. If you’ve read Hold Me Tight you may already see the similarities. If not, by the end of my review you’ll see why inconsistent nurturing lures these adults to the unrealistic expectations advocated by Hold Me Tight.

What is Hold Me Tight? It is a book and a method of marriage counseling developed by a woman who grew up in a pub. The author tells with pride how her father ran the pub and her mother was a barmaid. They fought bitterly and died bitter. The author tells us with pride that the huge insight that led to her Hold Me Tight therapy, occurred to her in a pub while arguing. May we deduce the author is an ACoA? If so, does this tell us anything about her logic?

Yes! You’re right, it is a proven fact that children need nurturing. They will die without it. If they get only inconsistent nurturing, they will grow up to be adults with kooky partner choices, kooky expectations of partners, kooky unrealistic expectations of themselves and so forth. That is all true and proven. Children really do need to be HELD TIGHT. Not only humans, but juveniles of many species will die if they receive no parenting. This has been proven. If parental nurturing is present but inconsistent, juveniles will survive but as adults they have kooky behaviors. Kookiness in adult animals are behaviors that get you excluded from adding your genes to the next generation. Kookiness in adult humans includes unrealistic expectations of partners and oneself, poor choices in partners, and loyalty to partners long after they’ve proven untrustworthy. All this is well established and accepted by professionals in many arenas, not just the author. Children need to be nurtured consistently! Count me in!

The author admits that other professionals in her field disagree with this next part, the big leap in her theory. The leap is, SINCE CHILDREN NEED NURTURING, ADULTS ALSO NEED IT, LIFELONG. Before we dismiss this as the kooky thought processes of an ACPNI, let’s look at her evidence. She says there is evidence that adults without nurturing from a significant other will go kooky. To prove this she cites the example of the WWII widows. These widows went kooky after their husbands died in the war. The kookiness they exhibited as adults was the same categories of kookiness that young people exhibit when their parenting is inconsistent. Well on the surface, this looks like really good evidence. Adult women who were not kooky while they had husbands, became kooky after their husbands were gone. This appears to prove that adults need emotional support lifelong, that THIS IS A BIOLOGICAL NEED FOR ADULTS.

But there is a flaw in this logic.

How likely is it that WWII wives had received consistent nurturing from their parents? In that generation, Hold Me Tight tells us, parents were literally kept from children who were admitted into hospitals. It is likely that a whole generation of adults grew up lacking consistent nurturing from parents. This whole generation was predisposed to kookiness! The WWII widows were probably already predisposed to kookiness. Why, if they lacked consistent nurturing from their parents, were they not already kooky before the war? I have a theory.

I believe the kookiness predisposed into ACPNIs will be DELAYED when you have a partner who provides parental-type nurturing. It can be delayed LIFELONG if the partner is consistent in giving this surrogate-parenting. If my theory is accurate, then the WWII widows’ kookiness is not proof that ALL adults NEED nurturing lifelong. It is evidence that adults who are already predisposed to kookiness because their parents were inconsistent with emotional support, can delay the kookiness they are predisposed to if they can cajole another adult to provide them dependable consistent emotional support. This support from the spouse does not cure or resolve the kooky predisposition. It only ameliorates or delays the kookiness. As the book showed us, when the spouses died, the kookiness came out. But death is not the only time the kookiness predisposition would actualize. If there is divorce, or if the spouse gets tired and stops providing dependable support, the kookiness is free to do its mischief.

If there are billions of ACPINs, perhaps most adults in our culture have a PERCEIVED NEED to be held tight. This is not because our SPECIES is one in which adults are wired or created to need nurturing lifelong. It is because our CULTURE is one in which most children do not develop fully because their parents did not nurture them consistently. So when Dr. Sue says adults NEED this, she speaks for most adults. This accounts for the overwhelming positive reviews of her book, including by many marriage counselors.

Who am I to be writing about this? What credentials do I have to make these claims? I am an adult whose parents were intermittent in supporting me. I am a massage therapist practicing since 1992. During thousands of hours giving massage, during the silences I have pondered, Why Am I Doing This? What Is Nurturing? Why do adults think they need to be nurtured? Is it a Need or a Want? Is it Curative or does it only Ameliorate? Since 1999 I have been teaching other therapists and in our workshops we discuss these questions, sometimes heatedly since those who support nurturing, defend it like a mother bear. Since 2002 I have been publishing in my field. This topic of “Nurturing Massage for Adults-Is It Therapeutic?” has not been published yet since it the field is still in its infancy, but you may begin to see where I am leaning, and I intend to publish soon.

Hands down the best relationship book I have ever read. A paradigm changer--it felt intuitively right from the first chapter, yet I also see the world in a different way. It took the core values I held about life, and showed me how to really live them better. Of course, starting with the relationships closest to me.

There are no complicated rules here, what you need to do doesn't feel like an overwhelming amount of work, and what Johnson says makes so much sense it's not hard to remember. By chapter four you'll have a good idea of some things you can do and STOP doing, without even having started the "seven conversations."

Johnson's methods are based on 25 years of clinical research, and have a 75% success rate. So at least ask yourself this: What have you got to lose? It's not a long book, the science is super interesting, and many of the stories are touching.

And don't be fooled by the frouffy title, it's not a frouffy book. ;-) Johnson's a scientist, not a writer, so the writing might veer into the self-helpy; or her retelling of the couple's conversations sound fake at times (people always "giggle" when I'm sure in real life they just laughed). But the science she talks about is serious stuff, and the ideas are deep, so I never felt I was being frouffed-over.

Hold Me Tight teaches couples how to hear their partner's deepest concerns, "are you there for me", "am I really important to you", "is our relationship secure and solid" when those concerns are expressed through criticism or content. It reminds partner's that all communications are attempts to connect, no matter how badly delivered. In this way, Susan Johnson teaches couples to read below the surface of a complaint down to the attachment need being expressed underneath. When attachment needs can be faced and processed directly, couples feel closer. Johnson offers couples in couples counseling an adjunctive support system in addition to the therapy hour. Hold Me Tight is also an excellent resource for couples working things out on their own. It provides a clear and solid guideline for repairing hurt and restoring connection. I am recommending it to the couples in my practice, and the reports coming back about how helpful and transformative Johnson's approach is have been glowing!

With a Ph.D. in clinical psychology and 30 years specializing in working with
about 3000 couples:
The author's diagnosis fits about l5% of my entire private practice population.
But even with this l5%, the book doesn't really spell out how to reattach the broken
attachment. I had to read the book twice to understand what the author was really
all about.

There is an old maxim that is still taught in college writing courses today. It says: "If you spoke as you wrote, no one would listen; if you wrote as you spoke, no one would read." Sue Johnson violates that by writing in a disjointed, conversational manner. There is no parallelism in sentence structures, so when she introduces a concept that involves 4 parts, she explains "In part one..." But the next introduction is "In part 3..." Part two was buried because she only used the "in part x" structure in the first and third elements. It is hard to read because by the time you see "Part 3" you realize that you didn't identify part 2, so you have to read the entire passage again. This happens a LOT. There are numerous sentences that have no subject. Again, this causes the reader to re-read and deduce who the subject is. It is probably the most poorly written book I've ever read. She may have some good ideas, but good luck finding them. Each of the "relationship" conversations are so contrived, it is hard to believe that they ever happened. If I could, I'd send it back. It is not worth buying.

Sue Johson is fantastic, however I was dissapointed by this CD for two reasons, firstly I was unable to sync it to my MP3 player so I could listen on the go - I can only listen to it on my computer or risk scratching the original CD in my car CD player. Secondly the woman reading it has a terrible voice. Just like the Gottman's CD (although that's even cheesier!). If you can get over that though it's full of good stuff.

Although the title of this book initially put me off a little, I ultimately found this to be the best of the 4 marriage therapy books I read. It has both convincing research-based explanations for relationship successes and failures, as well as case studies that illustrate the importance of each of the seven elements of successful relationships. While it was not quite as easy and quick of a read as some marriage therapy books, I found it to be very worthwhile.

DO NOT buy the AUDIBLE version - It's AWFUL! I wish I could give that 0 stars. It's terrible quality. Sounds so automated. I thought it was a computer. And then I thought something was wrong w/ my phone. Turns out it's an actual person's voice. It's so bad and painful to listen to. Def listen to the sample before considering the audio version.

The book itself is good. Kind of repetitive. But probably done purposely. To really drive points home. I get how people thinks he toots her own horn but I think her point is that she's comparing her theory to others' - that she thinks about love a lot differently and it's more effective.

I found it hard to read and listen to but forced myself to because the points are valid and important. She talks a lot about attachment theory and John Bowlby.

I'm only 40 pages through this book and feel like I've already had so many break-throughs! I completely identify w/ everything that she has said and it is such a relief to have my feelings and actions validated. I've read a ton of spiritual books on enlightenment and how to "control one's emotions" or "find happiness" but none of these have discussed that the emotions we feel are completely normal and rather common, nor do they explain why we feel the way we do they only talk about how to "rid yourself" of these negative emotions. She hits the nail on the head for why we argue with our partners and why we react the way we do during arguements, I can already tell that understanding this is going to have a significant impact on my relationship. I will update when I finish the book but, so far I'm certain that this book can positively impact anyone's life and relationship!

Reccomended by my therapist but I think would be much better for a couple rather than single person. Overall a good book with new interesting ways of looking at things but not at this point in my life

I recommend this book for anyone who is in a relationship, has been in a relationship, or wants to be in a relationship.

Sue Johnson, one of the creators of emotionally-focused therapy for couples, writes about how we are emotionally wired to want to feel safe, secure, understood, and cared for in relationships and the patterns that develop when feel that these needs will not be met.

Using examples of couples' fights, from real-life examples, Sue explores what's going on beneath the fight - the vulnerabilities, for example, that are communicated because the partners are either unaware of them or don't feel safe expressing them.

Reading this book and its practical application of attachment theory to fixing what's not working in relationships (there is one chapter on theory that can be skipped, if that's not your cup of tea), it becomes clear why we seem destined to repeat the same fights, to attack each other, grow apart, or find ourselves in some version of one partner pursuing while the other withdraws - these are all strategies (albeit ones that can destroy relationships) that we have learned to cope with anxiety about not getting our needs met in a relationship.

Many of the couples I've worked with have found the book helpful, and it's also an easy introduction for marriage counselors wanting to know more about the concepts behind emotionally-focused therapy for couples.

I use this book with couples who come to see me and it improves the work that we do in sessions. One client gave it to another couple (that I don't see) and she told me it saved their marriage. Now that's a great book! Hold Me Tight gets to the root of couples' distress and helps them talk about the issues that really matter: are you there for me? can I count on you? will you respond when I need you? These are the deep questions that partners ask and when they are answered in the affirmative a strong bond and safe haven are created. I love this book and highly recommend it to couples and therapists alike!

Hold Me Tight is the best book I have ever read on couples therapy because unlike a lot of other books, it makes sense and it works. Sue Johnson is an Ottawa-based professor and relationship therapist who noticed that traditional therapies often didn't work. Instead of persevering with the old ways or blaming herself, she went back to the drawing board and came up with a new model.

When I was studying therapy I remember my teachers telling me that couples therapy was by far the most challenging kind of therapy--not for the faint of heart. Of course it'll never be a cakewalk, but I think Sue Johnson has revolutionized the field by articulating clear and definite steps to healing broken relationships.

Johnson went back to the books and revisited Attachment Theory, pioneered by John Bowlby in the 1940's. Most therapists assumed his theory was peculiar to parents and children since that's what his studies were based on. Johnson's stroke of genius was to realize that Bowlby's theory underpins all relationships. Understanding relationships from a new angle gave Johnson a valuable and useful way of understanding how they function and how they break down.

Being on the clinical side gave Johnson the tools to articulate a theory and a way to test it. Also being a therapist she took her theory into the field and tested it on real couples having real attachment problems. Before long Johnson understood the hidden language behind disputes and began to teach couples how to have conversations with one another.

The result is this fine book that is part theory, part teaching tool and part self help book. Anyone can read it and get a very good idea of how to improve their relationship or teach couples how to talk to one another in a way that heals instead of inflames. Hold Me Tight is nicely organized around seven types of conversations that couples can have that will build trust and attachment between them. Couples can use this book as a guide to learn how to talk to one another and by mastering the steps. Beyond couples, parents and children and friends will find knowing how to have these conversations useful to maintaining the health of their relationships.

If you prefer to learn Hold Me Tight conversations experientially, Sue Johnson teaches her methodology to therapists and certifies them. There are now hundreds of therapists in North America who are trained to help couples learn how to talk and listen to each other. You can find a certified therapist or a training program near you at Hold Met Tight. I learned a lot from this book that I will put into practice with all my relationships. This is a book that everyone will benefit from reading.

After ten years and one short separation my partner and I have finally found a resource that really speaks to our problems. Because of comprehension issues, we got the book on tape and listened to it together. Almost immediately the case studies resonated with our difficulties communicating and relating. The primary reason that I chose this book was the fact that it didn't go down the whole "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" path. Something about that perspective just rings false to me. Through this book, not only have we been able to begin repairing our emotional relationship, but we have also been able to start to pinpoint where our previous relationships with family, friends, and romantic partners have gone awry. We are becoming better partners and better parents most importantly. I recommend this book for anyone who finds themselves at a lose when relating emotionally to people.

"I was so surprised by the research that Dr. Johnson presented. Most of the self-help marriage books I've read seem like good ideas, but this feels different to me. I appreciate her point that we are "hard wired for connection." In a world that promotes individualism and makes the idea of needing someone else look like weakness, it often feels shameful to need other people. I am so grateful to know that research has proven our need for others. That it is not weakness. It feels very hopeful to now have a guide to help my husband and I break the negative patterns that keep us stuck and hurting so that we can have the emotional connection we have both longed for."

As a therapist in private practice who specializes in working with couples and an EFT trained therapist, I have found Dr. Johnson's new book an easy read as well as an effective tool for couples to work through together.

Dr. Johnson has said that taking EFT and putting it into a framework that couples can use together on their own was very challenging to do. This book is a testimony to her hard work, one couples can benefit from, if they read and do the exercises.

In the book, Dr. Johnson takes the readers through a straight forward explanation of the negative cycles most couples find themselves in. She handles the explanation of adult-attachment brilliantly and relates the concept to what happens in relationships when we get our feelings hurt. Next she has the reader re-work a difficult moment in their relationship and through this demonstrates her principals and some key interventions that are used in therapy with an EFT therapist.

While buying and reading the book along with completing the exercises may not be equal to actually working through therapy with an EFT therapist, for those wanting a solid relationship check up or tune up, or those wanting to work on their own, Hold Me Tight is an easy and effective way to go. If you are looking for a self help couples book, you won't be disappointed.

Cannot listen to the person who is reading the book. The voice is irritating. A friend who ordered the audio book said the same thing - the voice does not pair with the sensitive, warm subject material. I wish Sue Johnson would read her own book. The material, however, is excellent.

This is a terrific book, and by a renown author in the field of human relationships. I got this because my wife insisted. She's in the health field, and she and a number of friends have found Sue Johnson's work invaluable.

Great book......Anyone who wants a relationship full of love, respect (mutual), integrity and longevity should buy and read this book. Easily readable but full of valuable information that will enrich your relationship and life. It did ours.

I am a counsellor and this is one of my favorite books on relationships. The information in this book will help you gain insight into yourself and take your relationships to a whole new level.
Marion Baker, author of The Lime Green Plastic Covered Couch; Insight For Women Who Struggle To Find Lasting Love.

Dr.Susan Johnson has hit the relationship ball out of the ballpark with this groundbreaking introduction to attachment, couples, and relationships. Until now this Canadian based academician has been confined to professional audiences world wide, where she is acknowledged as the finest Marriage and Family Therapist of this era. Now through "Hold Me Tight', the public at large can begin their attachment to her brilliant, but easy to grasp, explanations of what makes love stick. Articulate, honest and thought provoking, Dr.Johnson provides just the right literary medicine for not only ailing relationships, but importantly, for those who have love and want to hold on to it.

I've read this book about 6 times now and have all sorts of notes in the margins. I learn something new each and every time I pick it up. It's full of descriptions that I can identify with and it's helped me make my relationship stronger. As a new clinician, I'm working on being a good couples counsellor and this book is one I recommend to all my clients. This book gives couples the language they need to be able to reach for each other on an emotional level and make lasting connections to give them a relationship that will stand the test of time.

My last therapist encouraged me and my spouse to read this while she charged us $300 for her services at our second appointment. I agree with some of the reviews that this is a read that includes quite a bit of biography, and discusses tools that definitely need guidance by a third party. As for therapists encouraging couples to read books, it would be great if this was part of after care, and not a lazy attempt at making their treatment easier.

I purchased this book after attending several trainings with the author. I was interested in a book that I could hand my clients to deepen their understanding of their relationship and increase the effectiveness of the therapy.

I read the book and think it makes the necessities of loving relationships startlingly clear. It is likely to be helpful for couples who are troubled or healthy and it helps see how very normal all our relationship issues really are.
I like that it manages to see the enemy as the relationship patterns and not as sick or mean partners. No one is demonized or blamed. Most importantly, it cuts to the core of what we all need to feel joy and peace. We need loving and supportive attachments to those closest to us.

The husband read the book -- said that he and his wife had tried,
unsuccessfully, a lot of couples therapy, and thought EFT might be the
answer. At the first session, the wife had Hold Me Tight peeking out of
her purse. She said, "Sue Johnson must have read my diary." He said he was worried. "It looks worse because she's gone into the next stage -- she's stopped complaining." With very little prompting from me, the two then proceeded to let me know their negative dance. "The second chapter really said it." "We poke each other's raw spots." They delved into their attachment injury which happened "a week after we got married, years ago, and part of our communication ever since." They continued to work at the heart of it for the rest of the hour as if they'd been working this way for many sessions. As a couples therapist, I got the power of this book to accelerate the work in a way that I had not experienced before!

Love is essential, and the love of a spouse in one of the great joys, as well as challenges of life. This book is giving my beloved and I a new way of looking at love, and at our marriage. I appreciate the incredible research, and understanding that went into the creation of this volume. We, and our union, are the better for it.

Book has useful information that seems to get at the root of issues between couples and give them something concrete to utilize in identifying patterns of behavior and ways to stop the cycle and further effective communication that can result in closer relationships.
While this book explain the process and can be utilized by couples themselves, it is quite often better to have an un-related, un-biased 3rd party to help facilitate the process. Sometimes we aren't able to clearly see the patterns of language and behavior until someone else points them out.

There is no end to the relationship books out there, but this one is definitely different. Dr. Johnson gives us the science behind the feeling and then helps us unravel how we get stuck in aloneness and fear. Being in a loving relationship should not feel so separate. Our fast paced,independent and competitive based society leads us into developing entitlement that heightens our sense of being hurt and abandoned. Then self-perpetuating interlocking loops of pursue and defend; demand and withdraw separate us even more from the one we long to feel safe and close to. Thank you Sue Johnson, for publishing the map that guides us through this maze of confused emotions. Thank you from all my clients, my family and myself. Each of my married children have received gifts of this book. I keep mine close at hand. My husband thanks you, too. T. Livingston. MFT

This is exactly what I was looking for!! It defines our need for intimacy in relationships in clear and understanding ways - which is so needed! I have recommended this book to many counselling clients and friends!! It is brilliant.

This book is easy to read, and most will recognise themselves more than once in the featured couples. The author has developed a very effective method for dealing with problems that haunt most couples. There are many "conversations" to have with your partner to excercise the skills outlined in the book. I highly recommend to any couple, especially those that have the same arguments over and over that never get resolved.

i do not have the words to convey how much this book can help anyone who is looking for self-help in their life ,whether you are in a crisis trying to understand a lover, a parent ,your self or your spouse this book will help .

I have been a couples therapist for thirty years and have wanted a book I could recommend to couples to help guide their recovery. Here is a book for couples that I can recommend without reservation. Hold Me Tight is intelligent, insightful and helps couples get to the core issues of their relationship.

Susan Johnson gets right to the heart of the matter when she tells us that accessibility, responsiveness and engagement in the emotional bond are most important to a couple's happiness and satisfaction. Attachment theory is her guide in understanding how partners love and why they fight. She explains that we are wired in for connection; we seek it, we flourish when we have it, we suffer when we don't have it, we fight for it when it is pulled away and we grieve when it is gone. From years of working with couples and conducting research studies on what actually helps couples recover, Susan Johnson has designed a program of discovery and growth to help couples develop stronger bonds. Through her seven conversations, she guides couples through understanding and untangling their negative cycles of interaction, exploring and expressing underlying emotions and pain, and helping couples create new, confiding dialogues. Hold Me Tight offers couples sound and research-proven ways to understand their distress and sets them on a path to recovery.

In addition to being immensely helpful to couples, Hold Me Tight is an entertaining and enjoyable read. It is a book that all couples - and all people who want to be part of a couple - should read.

Susan Johnson is a brilliant clinician, researcher and teacher and all three show through in her book. Thank you, Susan Johnson, for your remarkable book. Douglas Tilley

As a marriage and family therapist it is wonderful to finally have a reference for clients that will show them why they continue to fall into patterns of fighting and disappearing with each other. It unites us all in our need to be safely attached to our mates. It shows how any couple with the desire to live together with harmony and love can understand and improve their marriage. Thank you, Dr. Johnson, Sue. You are as great in print as you are in person. I could actually visualize and hear you as I read. Thanks, and keep it coming.

I've been following Dr. Johnson's work for a long time and this book captures, in an easy to read way, compelling ideas about adult love, attachment and creating secure relationships.

Following a fascinating overview of research on attachment theory Johnson puts it all to life with stories and examples of how and why relationships have difficulty and how they can get better. As the leading marriage therapist in the world, who would know better how to help us through to good results? Dr. Johnson's experience is vital, obvious and best of all, based on research.

Johnson has a warm and personal style. The work flows and is engaging. Be prepared to not only rethink your relationship as you read but then do the included 'homework' and have it help you improve, or change, your relationship/s into the safe haven you've always wanted.

I've put Johnson's work to the test, through Emotionally Focused Therapy, and have never been happier!

This book makes a great read and a great gift.

Great work Dr. Johnson!

In clear language, Dr. Sue Johnson describes Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy and gives hope to couples who want to improve their relationship. Hold Me Tight is a must read for psychotherapists who provide couple counseling. I certainly benefited from reading it. (Payam Ghassemlou MFT, Ph.D.)

... and I've read a lot of them. This book has changed my marriage, and very quickly too. The paradigm makes so much more sense than what most couples therapists use. I can't recommend it highly enough.

Making sense out of the universal need for love and connection has not been as well explained as in this Book. I have desperately search for a unified, meaningful guide for personal and marital counseling, and this book makes more sense than any I have found yet. I wholeheartedly recommend it.

We are needy, we are attached, and its okay. We have been and are living backwards and not embracing that young, vulnerable, most intimate and honest part of us.
This audio Cd told us exactly what we wanted to hear to creep out of our shells and show our true selves no matter how helpless, emotionally wounded, or needy we were; because in emotionally revealing yourself lies pure strength.

AT FIRST THE TITLE BUGGED ME BUT NOW I LOVE IT

BOUGHT THIS AS A GIFT CUZ THIS BOOK ALONG WITH THE COUNSELLOR THAT SUGGESTED IT, SAVED MY MARRIAGE

VERY HELPFUL GUIDANCE ON HOW TO COMMUNICATE

Good audio book if you are going through issues in your marriage. Not every example may apply to your current situation, but you will discover that you relate to some of the examples and will be provided with information on how to break the Demon Dialogue.

As a therapist I was looking for another resource to discuss with clients, yet this book could be read directly by clients. It is an easy read, yet has many good succinct ideas. I love the connection of the emotional bonds and barriers people have to where they are in life today!!

I've read all the relationship books, even the ones by the authors whose quotes appear on this cover, and I can say with complete conviction that this is by far the best of the lot. Dr. Sue Johnson's warm, authoritative, and reassuring tone sets the stage for a whole lot of incredibly useful advice. The book gives you a new way to view your relationship and the tools to improve it, whether it needs improving or not! Her form of couples therapy is apparently one of the very few to be proven to work, and that's really the bottom line. Do yourself and your partner a big favor and buy this book! I highly recommend it.

This, together with Gottman's book, is an attempt to deliver an objective and clear guide to resolving relationship difficulties and/or strengthening them. This book (unlike Gottman's) is rooted in attachment theory, which is probably the closest thing to a scientifically based approach to human relationships, or at least there's a biological and evolutionary framework for understanding our emotional needs in relationships. The need for this objective foundation for understanding relationships is pretty obvious when you begin to read through the literature; most of it is vague, superficial or embarrassingly facile. This book attempts to tether its approach to something concrete and verified: we need to be and to feel securely connected to our mates and this need is confirmed in all sorts of ways, both with scientific studies and in anecdotal and clinical settings.

The problem is: what exactly is a secure attachment? When Sue Johnson presents case studies, the answer is something like: partner's need to reaffirm there basic desire and need for a secure attachment. This is done by saying things like: I really need to feel connected, loved, appreciated, valued and desired by you. Relationships flourish when these connected feelings are expressed and reaffirmed. But when you get down to nuts and bolts what behavior exactly, both verbal and physical, constitutes an expression of attachment? And here I think this book fairs about as well as any other.

The fact is that the ways that people can express and feel attached to each is about as varied as all the forms of expression that are available to human beings. So, when reading through these specific cases, I find it hard to identify what exactly it is in the expressions or attitudes of her clients that might work for others (or mostly me). It again seems very vague and general, though in principle right. This leaves this reader wonder why loving another human being should be thought to be so simple as reaffirming our basic biological need for a secure attachment. It seems to me that all the incredible varieties of expressions of love show that it is not so simple. Maybe I'm a skeptic or a cynic, but this seems like another imperfect attempt in the mountain of attempts to understand how to love another human being.... And worth reading!

As a practitioner who does counsel some of his patients I often refer to this wonderful work. As a man who has been on the path to become the best partner I could be, I have throughly enjoyed this book and I have been able to get so much from it. If you are a man or woman looking for some useful tools to improve your relationship (no matter where it is) this book provides you with some very useful tools. If you are a man and are reading this review, know that it is a book "not" written for woman alone. Most relationship books are written for woman or from a woman's perspective. This book really helps both men and woman alike.

I would clearly highly recommend this book if you are looking for answers to how you relate to your partner and how they relate to you. But more importantly how you can really improve your relationship.

This book did not resonate with me at all, I just don't get it. It starts strong and full of promise and then gets bogged down in couple after couple, bad conversation after bad conversation. It was a torture to read and really made no sense. It doesn't address the core issues of intimacy that so many people deal with, it just seems to blame the other partner for not "doing it right" whatever that is.

I have never received this book that I ordered April 4th. It kept getting delayed in the delivery date and therefor I do not know about the book. I hope to get a replacement book soon since I sent in the request.

Got this as a last ditch effort to save my marriage when I discovered my husband was cheating (though he denied it of course). Started reading it and it was very slow. Hard to read. Got my now ex a copy too and of course he didn't read it.
Then decided the marriage was dead and filed for divorce. Now this book sits on my bookcase and reminds me of my awful marriage. Maybe it can help if you read it before it's too late? Also if your husband isn't cheating on you already. Lol.

This book simply perpetuates the myth that everyone in a relationship really wants to be a great partner and, if they're not, it's just one big misunderstanding-- a "communication" issue. The fact is that some people are abusive and enjoy that power in a relationship. Some people have neuroses, some people are jealous and distrustful, some people are damaged from prior relationships, some are lazy, some don't really care much about your feelings, some are busy at work, have different interests, etc . .. This author makes NO attempt to address what each person brings to the relationship. Instead, she explains that if you're in a relationship that makes you feel bad, it's because you're not saying the right things, doing the right things. In other words, you haven't "inspired" your partner to meet your needs. It's your fault, of course. This is awful advice for anyone married to an addict, an abuser, a narcissist, a cheater, etc, etc. What if you're just married to a douche? Woman should stay far, far away from this advice and most men will not labor through the repetitive (made-up) case studies anyway. Note to Johnson: anecdotal "evidence" does not prove a thing. For all those hailing this work as a "breakthrough"-- where is the evidence of that? I read this carefully, asked a lot of questions about it to an alleged "EFT" therapist and she could not answer any of them. I fear this book is dangerous as it perpetuates the myth that you can fix your partner and that you should.

Great book... Definitely worth reading for couples. However, the copy I bought was pretty marked up which makes it hard to do the exercises in the book. Other than that, though, it was an excellent purchase.

Book synopsis: Men are shutdown but wish to be close only if they were given the chance, women are hurt and drive their men away with their emotional outbursts. So stereotypical, and as it turns out, not true.
So tiresome to see this perpetual myth propagated and it also makes false promises. NOT ALL CLOSED OFF MEN/WOMEN ARE SECRETLY PINING FOR THEIR HUSBANDS/WIVES, some are just busy having affairs, cheating, keeping secrets etc etc. And even if they aren't cheating, some just put you down, and dismiss your feelings. Please, don't paint an untrue picture of reality based on what you see in your therapy tapes. You see what you want to see and you ignore what you don't want to see.

This book has really opened my eyes to my relationship with my husband. It helps you understand deep down why you fight, what you are really feeling and how to deal with it as a couple. It has put me on a better path with my husband. I could so relate to many of the stories in the book and they give you a lot of insight.

This book did not resonate with me at all, I just don't get it. It starts strong and full of promise and then gets bogged down in couple after couple, bad conversation after bad conversation. It was a torture to read and really made no sense. It doesn't address the core issues of intimacy that so many people deal with, it just seems to blame the other partner for not "doing it right" whatever that is.

I have never received this book that I ordered April 4th. It kept getting delayed in the delivery date and therefor I do not know about the book. I hope to get a replacement book soon since I sent in the request.

Got this as a last ditch effort to save my marriage when I discovered my husband was cheating (though he denied it of course). Started reading it and it was very slow. Hard to read. Got my now ex a copy too and of course he didn't read it.
Then decided the marriage was dead and filed for divorce. Now this book sits on my bookcase and reminds me of my awful marriage. Maybe it can help if you read it before it's too late? Also if your husband isn't cheating on you already. Lol.

This book simply perpetuates the myth that everyone in a relationship really wants to be a great partner and, if they're not, it's just one big misunderstanding-- a "communication" issue. The fact is that some people are abusive and enjoy that power in a relationship. Some people have neuroses, some people are jealous and distrustful, some people are damaged from prior relationships, some are lazy, some don't really care much about your feelings, some are busy at work, have different interests, etc . .. This author makes NO attempt to address what each person brings to the relationship. Instead, she explains that if you're in a relationship that makes you feel bad, it's because you're not saying the right things, doing the right things. In other words, you haven't "inspired" your partner to meet your needs. It's your fault, of course. This is awful advice for anyone married to an addict, an abuser, a narcissist, a cheater, etc, etc. What if you're just married to a douche? Woman should stay far, far away from this advice and most men will not labor through the repetitive (made-up) case studies anyway. Note to Johnson: anecdotal "evidence" does not prove a thing. For all those hailing this work as a "breakthrough"-- where is the evidence of that? I read this carefully, asked a lot of questions about it to an alleged "EFT" therapist and she could not answer any of them. I fear this book is dangerous as it perpetuates the myth that you can fix your partner and that you should.

Great book... Definitely worth reading for couples. However, the copy I bought was pretty marked up which makes it hard to do the exercises in the book. Other than that, though, it was an excellent purchase.

Book synopsis: Men are shutdown but wish to be close only if they were given the chance, women are hurt and drive their men away with their emotional outbursts. So stereotypical, and as it turns out, not true.
So tiresome to see this perpetual myth propagated and it also makes false promises. NOT ALL CLOSED OFF MEN/WOMEN ARE SECRETLY PINING FOR THEIR HUSBANDS/WIVES, some are just busy having affairs, cheating, keeping secrets etc etc. And even if they aren't cheating, some just put you down, and dismiss your feelings. Please, don't paint an untrue picture of reality based on what you see in your therapy tapes. You see what you want to see and you ignore what you don't want to see.