20th Anniversary Edition - Getting the Love You Want

When I first read this book I thought, "How have I been attempting to engage in relationship without this?" Suffice to say: this is one of the best relationship books I've read. It's full of info you wish someone would have taught you in your teens. But no matter when you read it, it's going to be a game-changer.

Simply put, this book has changed my life and many of my intimate relationships. MUST READ, especially for anyone about to seriously commit to a life partner. Will only enrich and enhance your understanding of one another :-)

The time to get counseling is well before you marry - figure out your issues, address them, and learn good communication skills. If you do that, you’re much more likely to marry an appropriate partner. If you don’t, you may be left wondering why you’re so unhappy in the relationship and feeling so lost. Couples counseling is a chimera - and an industry. Money, money, money. It’s the equivalent of putting a band-aid on a deep, gaping wound. Simple concepts are repackaged under a new name for marketing purposes, and books like this one may simply reconcile you to an essentially unhealthy relationship. For instance, in any situation, there’s what happened and how you interpret what happened. Your feelings key off your interpretation of the facts, not the facts themselves. It’s a simple, basic concept. But you’ll see it repackaged as an “Imago dialogue.” Gimme a break. Save your money - each partner go to individual therapy and then, together, read a couple of good books on communication skills and practice the exercises. Maybe, just maybe, if too much damage hasn’t already been done; there’s at least some genuine love between the parties (not just emotional hunger); the parties are committed to working very hard on themselves and the relationship; and good therapists are found for the individual sessions, they’ll have a chance not just at staying together, but at having an authentic, healthy relationship.

My partner and I are working through this book and , so far, so good. The exercises take courage but are worth the effort. Communication is improving, romance is back, and there just might be some hope for our union.

Excellent process book: a layperson's readable, psychodynamic approach to improving relationships. Great growth process for couples who want to augment their couples therapy. Accompanies the text by the same name.

This is one of the best books for helping with "couple" issues that I have found. My spouse and I came across it at a very difficult time in our relationship. We read it together and utilized many of the techniques, especially for effective communications. This has helped us more than once to diffuse non-productive arguments. It gave us tools to use to give each other time to express without interruption and as a result, we actually hear and listen to the others concerns or issue. I liked it so well, that I have actually given this book as a wedding present.

I love this book! Author is so wonderful at describing why we pick our mates, how our brains process emotions, and explaining how to "get the love you want". I highly recommend this book for anyone wanting to strengthen their relationship with their loved one. Great read!!

This book really is "life-changing," and I don't slap that label on anything lightly. It's not necessarily a novel philosophy (the idea that our mate-choices and ingrained habits are rooted in our childhoods), but the approach is ground-breaking and transformative. This was clearly written by a therapist who didn't check out when the patient sat on the couch. Highly recommend this to anyone who wants to get past the turf wars that accompany relationships. Single people will benefit just as much as couples.

The thesis of this book may seem really cold to anybody who has ever fallen in love. But to those veterans of heartbreak who are still wondering "What happened?", Harville's insights offer brilliant illumination. He has a theory about why we fall in love, no less. And why almost inevitably 95% of us fall out of love within 2-5 years! And before you and your significant other reach the point of no return, what you can do to save your relationship. It requires leaving the magical land of unconscious, childish wish-fulfillment, and entering the realm of conscious, adult relationship. Not for the faint of heart, or for the confirmed "romantic".

This is an outstanding guide to communication for couples. The course offered by the same couple: Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt was a terrific followup to reading the book. I would recommend it for anyone who has a committed relationship who wants to deepen their understanding of each other.

Read Dr. Phil McGraw's Relationship Rescue. MUCH better.
I know there are many Harville fans out there, but if you've already spent years in therapy, you've "gotten over" your rotten childhood. Harville's books promote victimization and entitlement.

It had me at the introduction.
Very informative with lots of practical application. I am only in the first few chapters but already bought one for my wife ( separated ) to read and she likes it too.

We as human beings have so much to learn about how our brain works. The unconscious vs. the conscious. I love this book and have gifted it to several friends and family members. It is a must read. We are our own worst enemies.

This workbook moves you from being stuck and unsure of 'what I'm doing in this relationship', to create a save environment where you can have the tools to explore in depth your relationship and fall in love with the partner you were about to divorce. It works!

Harville Hendrix is the BEST. I am a psychotherapist, and I use his work frequently with couples who come to me for marriage counseling. The Imago theory makes a lot of sense to most people, and definitely helps them to be more accepting, more tender and compassionate with each other. The couple who "works" the book, will be a couple that will succeed.

I was able to use some of the information and ideas in this book. I subscribe to the 'take what works and leave the rest' philosophy. Not all tips, suggestions and ideas work for all people but I found a few pieces in her to be helpful. Worth a read.

If you desire a deeper, more intimate, and connected relationship this workbook, as well as the book can help you and your partner understand, uncover, and heal the blocks that impede you from connecting and growing together. This is/ has changed our relationship. If you are both willing and committed to the work, you will communicate more effectively, heal past wounds, understand, and appreciate your partner with a more open mind and a more loving heart.

Its an amazing book. Extremely helpful in enlightening any relationship by explaining thoroughly why each person in the relationship has not only brought in their fair share to the relationship, as well as how to escape that and be understanding from a more universal exceptance. Get it!!!

This book really gets to the core of how relationships work, from the beginning when everything is rainbows and unicorns, to the end when it has all collapsed into a win-less power struggle. Everyone should read this book.

I purchased this book, as well as the "Getting the Love You Want" book. We were both middle aged adults- I am divorced with an adult child and he was never married and no kids. Although we went through all of the exercises, and even went to a workshop, the relationship still ended- just several years and about a thousand dollars later. We did have a better understanding of where the other was coming from and our previous experiences. This program may be good if you have a good foundation and just need to rediscover their bond, but it does not work if there are fundamental differences. Only you can decide if something like this might work for your relationship. Just keep in mind it is not the cure all it purports to be.

Both my husband and I loved this book. It helped us reflect on our childhood experiences and see how badly they were affecting our marriage. It was the beginning of a dialog long overdue. It also helped me reflect on my role as a parent.

My husband and I are going through this workbook along with the book. It has opened our communication and we are starting to understand why we do the things we do with and to each other and how to change it. We have much more respect for each other.

Its an amazing book. Extremely helpful in enlightening any relationship by explaining thoroughly why each person in the relationship has not only brought in their fair share to the relationship, as well as how to escape that and be understanding from a more universal exceptance. Get it!!!

This book really gets to the core of how relationships work, from the beginning when everything is rainbows and unicorns, to the end when it has all collapsed into a win-less power struggle. Everyone should read this book.

I purchased this book, as well as the "Getting the Love You Want" book. We were both middle aged adults- I am divorced with an adult child and he was never married and no kids. Although we went through all of the exercises, and even went to a workshop, the relationship still ended- just several years and about a thousand dollars later. We did have a better understanding of where the other was coming from and our previous experiences. This program may be good if you have a good foundation and just need to rediscover their bond, but it does not work if there are fundamental differences. Only you can decide if something like this might work for your relationship. Just keep in mind it is not the cure all it purports to be.

Both my husband and I loved this book. It helped us reflect on our childhood experiences and see how badly they were affecting our marriage. It was the beginning of a dialog long overdue. It also helped me reflect on my role as a parent.

I discovered this gem in 1989 and not only have I personally benefited from this book, I've recommended it to many others. i highly recommend it to anyone who wants to resolve childhood wounds and learn how to create a loving relationship with your partner.

These self-help type of books are not always that impressive to me. Without the appropriate guidance it is difficult, if not impossible, to follow through on the advice given. Also, each person in the couple may have their own interpretation of the information given.

My therapist recommended this book and accompanying work book. I'm now looking for a new therapist. This book is based around the "research" of Sigmund Freud. Freud was a coke head and is considered to be a quack by pretty much the entire psychiatric community. Apparently these two didn't get the memo. Unless you want to read idiotic and disgusting tripe, such as, " we love vanilla ice cream because it's the closest we can get to mother's milk", I suggest a different book. The seven principles for making marriage work, is a very good book, with lots of exercises to maintain or work towards a healthy and happy marriage. It's also based on clinical research, it isn't religious, nor does it bash religion or spirituality. It's brought up, just not used as a tenet for a happy marriage. That was important to me. I wish I'd found it first.

The book was easily readable. Much of the information is still current today and it helped me take a look at various issues in my life. I am not into doing exercies as the book suggested, but I could see that for someone they could be helpful.

What you lacked in childhood effects who you are now - that is what this book is based on. Some people hate that theory. I was indifferent about it.

It did have some valid points - but it was no life changing lesson in my opinion. However, we are seperated, so maybe our mind-sets are different.

A life-changing book for sure. My partner and I have been working through it slowly and have learned SO much. No need for therapy -- just read this book, reflect, and listen to each other. Though it's not mentioned in the book... For couples who are struggling: one practice that has revolutionized our connection is eye-gazing. We try to do it for a few mins at least once a week. That coupled with this book has been so beneficial. Highly suggest this book for anyone and everyone who has struggled in love at all.

I meant to order the new revised one, some how didn't notice this is the old one. It is an excellent book on relationships and I highly recommend it for all couples---just make sure you order the new one.

Someone suggested this book to me. I wish I would have skimmed through it first. I would have seen that I didn't agree with the philosophy and it would not work for me. You have to look through the book first with your partner to know if it will be helpful or not.

"Getting the Love You Want Workbook" is from 2003, and it cannot be used with the 2008 edition of "Getting the Love You Want" text.

The purpose of the workbook is to help with the exercises in the text.

1) The exercises in the 2008 text have been completely renamed, edited and reordered. The exercises in the 2003 workbook have no relationship to the exercises in the 2008 text.

2) As described below by Hendrix, he found one exercise to be not therapeutic, and dangerous to the relationship. He removed this exercise from the 2008 text, and wrote an entirely new one to take its place. The harmful exercise is of course still present in the 2003 workbook.

Page xvii of 2008 edition of text, "Foreword to the Twentieth-Anniversary Edition--What We Changed," third paragraph in its entirety: "Third, the most substantive revision is replacing the original chapter 11 with an entirely new chapter. This chapter used to be titled 'Containing Rage,' and it was designed to help couples express the anger and frustration they had carried over from childhood. The chapter described an exercise called the 'Full Container' that guided each partner in venting his or her anger, while helping the other listen with more compassion. At the time, we believed that this catharsis would reduce the amount of tension in their day-to-day interactions. The opposite proved to be true. We discovered that the more couples practiced the exercise, the angrier they became with each other in their daily lives."

Please keep in mind that this is just the workbook. I thought I could get away with just getting this and not the actual book... You need both! The workbook references the book a lot. I thought it was both. Anyway, this is a GREAT READ! Very helpful.

This book has been very difficult for me to get through. It did bring up some interesting arguments of why we pick certain people for our partners. I am sure this book could be a revelation, if I could just get through it...

If only the SNL cast from the early 90s had this as material! They could have done something hilarious with it akin to Stewart Smalley who is "good enough, smart enough...." (And dog-gone it, people LIKE him!) If I really had to do these exercises with my hubs, I'd vomit. I bought the book on a suggestion by a person I admired, but apparently we do not have the same taste in building better communication in relationships.

The basic idea of this book is that problems in marital relationships are caused by childhood psychological wounds. Those wounds are unconscious, but, according to the author, we all had them. Many of the exercises (e.g., listening exercises) would be helpful, but they are basic, and many of them are not really based on the theory. The author says repeatedly that we were "whole" humans in the womb, but we were damaged as children, and we need a healthy marriage to make us whole again. Some of the examples in the book reveal a patriarchal mindset. For example, in the section about "rewriting scripts" for arguments that a couple has repeatedly, the author suggests two alternatives that give the man what he wants, but no options for giving the woman what she wants. But if I object to that, I suppose that it must be because I was wounded as a child!

I recently bought the Red "20th Anniversary Edition" of "Getting The Love You Want", from the store. I received the Red Book, with no problems, and am really enjoying it and getting into it. The authors are married to each other, and are also Marital Therapists - very cool! My husband also attempted to buy a copy of the same book but went with one of the sellers, here on the store, only to receive the White "Getting The Love You Want" which is not the "20th Anniversary Edition" and is an older and out-dated copy! The chapters have been changed some and there are exercises - in the Red 20th Anniversary Version - that are not in the older version. In complaining, to the seller, my husband was refunded but also told that "he was sent the White Book, that is also pictured" with the item description. In reviewing the Item Page, it did come to my attention; that a customer image - of the white, older, out-dated version - had been allowed to be posted; even though it is a picture of the incorrect edition. So I wanted to warn others, when they try to order the newer (and not out-dated version) that the store allows customers to post incorrect versions - of items - which makes sellers think that they can sell one version under the title of another! So, all in all, it is a great book if you get the correct version! This is my third experience, with an the store Seller, where they have sent the incorrect version. I am losing my faith in this site to sell what the buyer is actually trying to buy. Maybe you can purchase the book, elsewhere, and have less of a hassle than my husband has.

When I told a pastor friend of mine a short time ago that I was ready to start pursuing a relationship again he recommend this book. When I noticed that it referred to itself as a guide to couples I thought maybe he'd made a mistake recommending it to me, however, as soon as I started getting into it I realized why he thought it'd be helpful to read even before I got into a relationship.

I'd recommend this book to both couples in crisis and those just trying to make things better as well as to any, like myself, that simply want to work on knowing ourselves better before getting into a relationship. It is also very helpful in being able to form insight into how others relate to us in a relationship, why they expect what they do and why we expect what we do.

Some of the author's insight into how childhood wounds effect us are very helpful in seeing how some of our personality gets formed and how those traits affect both our partners and ourselves. When two people start a relationship they both have expectations, conscious and subconscious, of what they expect the other person to do for them. Obviously in a healthy relationship both people are trying to love and give to the other person because giving and loving and being unselfish are traits we all recognize as being "good" and honourable and most healthy people desire to be good or Godly in some form or another.

What is not so obvious, and what I found most helpful in my reading of this book, is that people go into a relationship with the expectation that the other person will heal us where we were wounded and hurt as children. This unconscious desire to have our partners fill the need left behind by our less than perfect parents often is the cause of the ensuing battles and eventual breakdown of relationships. Often the net result of this inability to get our partners to heal us is divorce.

I feel very positive about what I learned in this book and while certainly no panacea, I believe that anyone with an open mind and a desire to learn about themselves and have a greater empathy for their mates will get something positive here. I give it a strong recommendation to both married couples and those that intend to be in the future.

my boyfriend decided our relationship wasn't worth it.. so it sits on a shelf doing no one any good..
the book its self is good.. its worth the cost and it will most likely help those who choose to actively engage and put it to the test..

A couples therapist recommended that my significant other and I each read this together. We couldn't do it. My girlfriend and I both felt that the author overstates childhood formative experiences when it comes to loving relationships later in life. We both quit reading this book and were happier because we had. Avoid it.

I couldn't even finish it. It kept blaming everything on your upbringing and essentially didn't suspect or hold you accountable for any sense of personal responsibility. If it changed tones later on, maybe it warrants a better review, but I found it lacking and couldn't even finish it.

There are some good ideas here: being a "conscious" partner, and acknowledging that the golden rule is not as good as the "platinum" rule--to do unto others as *they* would have you do (that is, what makes you feel loved may not be what your partner needs to feel loved).

However, the author states that he believes marriage is for life and this kind of relationship should be fixed at any cost. That means, contrary to the advice one usually hears, even if the relationship is physically abusive, an attempt should be made to fix it. I find this alarming and dangerous. And even though I agree that one should put away selfishness in order to create a loving relationship between equals, most of the book's techniques require subsuming your desires or reservations in order to soothe your partner and meet their needs. This seems like a formula for co-dependency.

Obviously, every relationship is different. However, definitely approach this with a grain of salt. I see potential in this for making an unbalanced relationship even more so (especially if the "powerless" partner in a bad relationship is seeking out this book to fix a relationship with someone who is abusive--the supplicating inherent in the exercises will feed narcissism).

I should have read the fine print of the Title of the book. The book was in fine condition but I didn't realize it was a book for COUPLES... Oh, ICKY YUCK !!!! I thought it was a book for ALL people in general.

We think this is the most transformational marriage book of all time! It clearly outlines a new process of relating to one another and understanding how you ended up with your partner. The book is the springboard for the birth of Imago Therapy, one of the most successful and proven forms of marriage counseling of all time. We hear ourselves saying frequently, "If not for Harville Hendrix and Getting the Love you Want, we don't know if we would still be married!"

-Shlomo & Rivka Slatkin
Author of The Five Step Action Plan to a Happy & Healthy Marriage: Increase the Joy of Sanctity, Safety, and Stability in your home

If you're lucky enough to be dating a man who's willing to read a relationship help book, I highly recommend this one. My boyfriend and I weren't necessarily having problems, but there was definite room for improvement. We are both great people, but I was having trouble getting through to him. He had a problem with understanding what I was trying to say, and had a way of saying things in a manner that were hurtful or controlling although he would swear that he was not that person. It took me a while to convince him to read this, but since he has, it's opened his eyes, and a whole new chapter in our relationship. I feel like it's opened up a new door to conversation, along with made our time together more fun and enjoyable. I will say when I started reading this book, I almost stopped because the beginning is very slow. I've ready a few relationship self help books, and I didn't feel like this one was offering anything new. I'm VERY glad I continued. If you're someone who's willing to understand we all have issues, and are willing to challenge yourself to become a better person this book is for you. I found myself connected to a lot of what he wrote in the ending. Every now and then something would bring tears to my eyes, or the light would turn on and my brain would start thinking about myself, and how this could be why I am the way I am. Holy Cow!! :) If anything, it really got me thinking about what I need and understand why I need those things, and in the end how to do my best to overcome and better myself. Since my boyfriend has chosen to read this, it's made me eager and excited about what our relationship has in store for the future.

Before counselor Harville Hendrix, Ph.D. teaches you how to improve your relationship, he asks you to think about why you were attracted to your partner in the first place. The answer, he explains, is that you were looking for a mate who possesses the same basic qualities as your parents. Why? Because people subconsciously seek relationships with those who will exorcise their childhood pain. Unfortunately, most people tend to reopen - as opposed to healing - these wounds in their adult liaisons, leading to the "power struggle" that ensues in many relationships. Hendrix and his wife, Dr. Helen Lakelly Hunt, say that the way out of this destructive cycle is to practice the tenants of "Imago Relationship Therapy," which they created. Their therapeutic approach includes making a true, lifelong commitment, treating each other in a loving manner, learning how to communicate constructively and eliminating negativity from your relationship. You may well find some benefits in the Imago approach even if you don't fully buy Hendrix's basic parent-seeking premise. The authors have trained some 2,000 therapists to use this approach, although Part III offers solid exercises you can do yourself. If you are seeking a relationship self-help book that discusses how to avoid getting hurt, how to deepen your communication and how to build a long-term connection, getAbstract recommends this bestseller.

Despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, our society looks upon marriage as the prelude to living "happily ever after." When marriage does not lead to this expected happiness, typically we believe that is because we have chosen the wrong person, and that the solution often is to divorce and find Mr. or Ms. Right.
Harville Hendrix does a fantastic job explaining why this approach does not work. In "Getting the Love You Want Workbook," Dr. Hendrix briefly reviews his theory about how couples become attracted-and how this basis of attraction frequently sows the seeds for relationship problems. The meat of the book is a 12-week series of exercises for couples.
If you're not familiar with Dr. Hendrix's Imago theory from either "Getting the Love You Want" (written for couples) and "Keeping the Love You Find" (written for singles), and are considering getting this workbook, you really need to read "Getting" too. (My partner and I started the workbook exercises without having read all of "Getting" but we both were familiar with the Imago from "Keeping" and from previous counseling experiences.)
So what is this Imago and what exercises will you find in the workbook?
According to Dr. Hendrix, we search for partners who embody both the positive and negative traits we experienced from our family of origin/childhood caretakers. By finding a partner with these familiar traits, including traits that we do not have, we compensate for the positive parts of ourselves that we cut out in childhood. We also have a chance to heal childhood wounds in our partner and ourselves. Dr. Hendrix's exercises are designed to help couples develop a "conscious marriage" in which they change to become the person their partner needs in order to heal, and their partner does the same.
The workbook exercises begin by having the couple develop a mutual vision of their ideal relationship. In their second session, the couple works on a mirroring, validating, and empathizing communication technique. The next several sections focus on identifying one's Imago, and learning about the partner's Imago. Further exercises address ways that couples close themselves off to each other, renewing romance, containing anger, and solidifying the changes made during the process.
When I began the Imago exercises, I was startled to discover ways in which my current and former partners-men who I considered to be very different-had a stunning amount of good and bad traits in common with my parents. Of course, that is Dr. Hendrix's point. When you find someone who reminds of you all the positive things you remember from your family of origin, you unconsciously also are attracted to negative traits that they bring with them.
The pacing and organization of the workbook exercises worked really well. Although the workbook is based on the exercises at the end of "Getting," I thought the exercises here are organized much better. The workbook has couples develop better communication skills before identifying their Imago-a change from the book. My partner and I, who were barely speaking to each other the week before we started this workbook, really felt connected after completed the relationship vision exercise. And although we both were familiar with the "mirroring" communication technique, in which you paraphrase the other person's statement, I found that Dr. Hendrix additional steps of validating the statements with comments like "I see" or "I understand" and them emphasizing made me feel really heard when I had touchy issues to discuss and, conversely, made me feel more understanding toward my partner when he had things to tell me that I didn't necessarily want to hear.
Following the exercises in order is important. My partner and his former wife did the anger containment exercise in marriage counseling, without having completed the earlier steps, and found this exercise unhelpful. Doing later-session exercises without first rebuilding connection through developing a mutual relationship vision, building communication skills and acquiring understanding about the wounds the partner needs likely would be harmful to a relationship.
I would recommend "Getting the Love You Want" and the companion workbook to any couple who wants to strengthen their relationship. My one caveat would be that this approach does not seem appropriate for relationships with serious substance abuse and/or domestic violence issues.
By the way, initially I was skeptical about whether we really needed the workbooks, but I am glad we bought them. The exercises are laid out much more clearly, and the amount of time you need to set aside each week is specified at the beginning of each session. Incidentally, the authors recommend purchasing two workbooks, which my partner and I did we do not live in the same city, but a cohabiting couple probably could share one workbook and complete the exercises in separate notebook.
My only criticism is Dr. Hendrix's decision to discuss relationships as "marriages," despite emphasizing that couples in unmarried committed relationships can benefit from his approach. More inclusive terminology would have been welcome.

Originally published in 1988, I was sure that I would find this book old fashioned and outdated; however, I was pleasantly surprised. This information, Hendrix puts forth, brilliantly holds true for now. I read a lot of books (2-4 per month), and this book was well worth the time put in. I will use the information in my practice on a daily basis. Anyone can use it to know oneself better and/or to become a better relationship partner.
Getting the Love You Want informs the reader about the three stages of an intimate relationship, while providing case studies which include beneficial advice and suggestions for couples to navigate the inherent obstructions and create a robust connection in a marriage/partnership.
First, he explains the stages: falling in love/attraction; romantic love and the union; and inevitably the struggle of conflict. He also proposes techniques to recognize the conflicts related to each stage. Next he comunicates how to re-capture the early phase of romance and convinces the reader it can be restored, and the ugly struggles are replaced with empathy and indelible support. Finally he introduces Imago Relationship Therapy, the process to help you create a "conscious marriage." CM is “a marriage created by becoming aware of and cooperating with the drives of the unconscious mind: to be safe, to be healed, and to be whole”
Finally, Dr. Hendrix integrates these concepts into an exceptional therapeutic curriculum (better explained in the workbook version), submitting a thread of exercises that lead to acumen, resolution, and restoration. He offers how to communicate more accurately with sensitivity, how to change self-defeating behavior, and how to focus on meeting each partners' needs.
As a mental health therapist, I can wholeheartedly recommend this book for couples in crisis or anyone wanting to learn how to be a better relationship partner.
Wendy J Poole
MA, MS, Licensed Associate Counselor
Sunbridge Counseling & Associates

The idea that what we seek out in our spouse is our parents positive and negative, and especially negative character traits seems to me interesting, but questionably true. It seems to me that many marriages and relationships are built on escaping the character traits, the kind of relationships forced on us in childhood.

In any case Hendrix's idea that couples must make their marriage a 'conscious one' and learn to understand and meet the true needs of eachother , makes a great deal of sense. One of the most amazing things about life, married life, in fact human relationships is that they always seem to have within them a hidden element, an uncertainty, a question mark. I believe the focus on long- term committment which Hendrix urges here is probably the right and true path for most of us, especially those who strongly fear abandonment.

I cannot say that this book answers all the questions, or solves all the problems I have had in relation to marriage. I can say that it provides great food for thought- and many interesting suggestions which hopefully will lead to improvement and better life.

I think a better like this may be a great help to many couples.

I purchased the CD version to listen to while driving. First of all I do not believe in the Freudian view of suppressed childhood trauma that this book is based on. The author, and may other psychologists, ask clients when during their childhood was the first time they remembered feeling this loss or lack of love or whatever, and then they would claim that this was when the problem started. My belief is that this need was always there, even at a much younger age, although the incident they remember was the first time they could identify or remember those hurt feelings. This book centers around overcoming the causes of hurt in childhood as they relate to marriage. As explained, I do not agree with this viewpoint.

Secondly, it maybe because I come from a more conservative British background when expressing feelings, but I am in total disbelief at what he expects clients to say to their partners. I am astounded at the pedestal that he asks husbands to gives examples of the dialog between clients (husband and wives) during his group therapy sessions. The examples or so false and made up that anybody who fails to laugh at them must have a heart of stone.

Halfway through the CD the talk jumps from couples therapy to discussing his work as the best boy preacher within the Baptist church in Georgia. It soon became evident that the book is all about him and not about couples, even his condescending tone of voice throughout the book gives this impression. Once he stops talking about his work as the best boy preacher in Georgia the book veers off course, in my opinion, and all of the remaining talk about couples therapy is strongly interwoven with how good his preaching work is with the Baptist church in Upper Manhattan.

I started listening to the CD a second time this morning but gave up. Dr. Hendrix's view of marriage is strongly influenced by the church's teachings that marriage is a divine gift from God and that the relationship between a man and a wife is an expression of God's wishes. Excuse me while I roll my eyes in disbelief.

Just reading this book gave me great optimism about my
marriage and my ability to greatly improve it. His
exercises provide explicit and practical steps to take to
meet the conflicts and sense of something missing and turn
them into relationship and personal growth.

The book begins by explaining things you never thought to
ask, like 'why was I so attracted to this particular person
I married?' He then goes on to describe how the things left
unresolved from our childhood experience with our parents
become the major themes in the new family created by
marriage.

The explainations have a common sense feel of the truth
being told. From the understanding of how marraage works it
becomes easy to see for the first time what creates the
tensions and what to do about them.

As a marriage therapist Hendrix assumes major problems is
your marriage. If your marrage is still in good shape
he may seem to overstate the conflicts but the descriptions
and cures very much on target and useful.

I read the original edition which is probably almost identical as the Anniversary Edition. I really identified with the book and the concepts. I have to say this... the book is good but there is a big difference between reading the book and practicing Imago. My wife and I went to see an Imago Coach and for 90 minutes practiced what was in the book. The coach helped to create a safe space for us to dialogue and lead us through the process. It was amazing! It was all about connection. That is what it is all about...connection. It was truly amazing as I was invited into my wife's world as a visitor. My job was only to observe and mirror( and later validate and empathize). And we kept digging deeper into the story and arrived at her childhood, the root of the strong emotional response to something I did. It was not about me, but what I did reminded her "old" brain of a past incident that was very scary as a child. Her "old" brain's job is to protect and to keep her alive. As a child that incident was a life or death situation (or seemed like it), but as an adult it is not. The old brain doesn't know that she is no longer a child, so it sounds the alarm and that is where sometimes intense reactions can come from. It was a real honor to step into her world and see it through her eyes. It gave me such insight into what was really going on. It also gave her insight so that when that "old" brain sounds the danger alarm she doesn't have react because she knows what it is about. Every session we went to was well worth the money; we got so much out of each session. We also went to two workshops on Imago and those were excellent as well. So my point is that the book is good, but actually doing what is in the book is amazing and life changing. It's the difference between reading a book about hang-gliding and actually doing it. Think of this book as an introduction, but following it up with seeing an Imago coach (therapist) or going to a workshop. It's NOT about blaming our parents and not taking responsibility for our lives and actions. It's about self-discovery and about discovery of your partner. It's about becoming being whole. It's about connection. Love it.

[...]

There is no more straightforward "human" answer to WHY CAN'T WE EVEN HAVE A CONVERSATION? than the dialogue process outlined in "Getting the Love you Want". It is timeless, simple and results in clearing up the static. Nothing else does that, at least in my extensive reading and searching! PS The things you learn about being in a couple are even more applicable to being at work! Try it!

Husband and wife team that created Imago therapy updated version.
Access to the internal foundation of the self, through an obtained understanding of why, who, when and what made us, us; with insight into our unconscious decision of why we chose our partner.
The workbook is an extension of the book for weekly mutually spent activities.
If you want to improve/change or even thinking of needing a healthy termination for both of you this therapy (know what you are looking for, interview therapists together and decide on one that meets your requirements and overall chemistry.

I got this book at church and highly recommend it. Hendrix delves into the mysteries of relationships and marriage with a practical look at why some work while others don't. I was prepared to reject this book as yet another shallow-self aid for couples but lost all skepticism within the very first chapter. Hendrix's advice is all the more personal because he discusses his own failed marriage frankly and it's clear that he can sympathize with the pain some couples face because he's been there himself.

If you're a person who avoids professional counseling because you can't relate to a "pro" who clearly hasn't had a single bad thing happen in his own life or marriage, then this book is DEFINITELY for you. I found the chapters on dealing with the

baggage of abusive relationships both invaluable and compassionate. Highly recommend this book to anyone who needs help, and I hope more churches, like mine, use it as a resource because it speaks to REAL PEOPLE.

This book saved my relationship and made it possible for us to feel ready to get married. 12 years later, still happily married. I love my husband. He and our son are worth every sacrifice and compromise ever made to get to where we are.

Getting the Love You Want is an old theory that is brought to life in Hendrix's book. I recommend it to my therapy clients as well as my trainees and interns. It conceptualizes how and why we experience the dynamics we do in our love relationships with the partners we choose. Then it takes one through a series of optional exercises to bring the relationship into a healthy place with empathy and understanding. If you want more out if your relationship or just want to know more about yourself in your relationship, then I would highly recommend this down to earth approach for personal as well as couples growth.

This is an excellent book that is thought provoking as well as a guide to true growth in a partnership. The first part of the book goes through many examples of how and why we are attracted to the people we end up being with and the second part guides you through a 12 week program that you can embark upon with your partner to heal your relationship. It is all about healing our childhood wounds and wanting our partner to heal them for us. Oh wouldn't that be good!! If both parties are willing, it has a lot to offer. But it is also good for the single person to reflect upon past painful relationships and why they may not have worked.
Dr Gunta Krumins-Caldwell author of On Silver Wings

i would give this book 10 stars if given that option. I got this book while going through a very hard time in my marriage. I hated my husband, I was depressed because I didn't want to leave him but I didn't want to be with him. Coincidentally ( although according to Freud there is no such thing as coincidence , and I have to agree ) I was watching Oprah and she had Dr. Hendrix on her show. the few words that i heard him speak made me want to work this out. after just reading barely a few chapters, I learned the most crucial part of being married. We go into marriage feeling a stereotypical feeling of "happy ever after" and being with a person who completes you. so a few years after that fairy tale ends, you are on the brink of divorce and miserably depressed.

Dr. hendrix successfully teaches you WHAT a marriage should be, WHY you are with your mate, why are you so ANGRY at them for no sound reason. and most importantly, how do you fix that and how do you in harmony and in a conscious, smart marriage.

needless to say I bought his other books, because reading just this book doesn't end the work you have to put into a happy and content life you have in front of you.

read his book on how to allow yourself to be loved ( btw, this does affect your marriage ) and MOST IMPORTANTLY his book on how to raise your kids with nurturing love so that they will not suffer as adults either.

As a psychologist in a college counseling center, I don't often have the opportunity to work with couples, but when I do, I always recommend this book. GETTING THE LOVE YOU WANT is an excellent self-help manual which is appropriate for all couples looking to enhance or to repair their relationship. Harville addresses the unconscious factors which contribute to who we choose as a mate, particularly the impact that significant figures from our childhoods (namely, our parents) can have on our relationships. He goes on to discuss in detail his Ten Characteristics of Developing a Conscious Marriage (or relationship). Each characteristic is illustrated using examples as well as a series of simple exercises which couples complete either individually or together. The 16 exercises are what make this book effective, and so it is vital that couples using the book make a commitment to work together. Those who are motivated for change will reap the rewards of this excellent self-help tool.

I am particular with mentioning personal experiences on relationship advice books. It gives more "feel" of the book they are writing. This book has this, and Harville Hendrix, not only boasts his Ph.D., but has the experience to tell advises on relationships. And just to emphasize, his focus on the "connection" is overwhelming, though sometimes, it feels too much already. I stumbled upon this book after I read Kamasutra Positions: Stop Searching and Improve Your Sex Life which could probably improve relationships as well. All in all, this book is informative, can be put to good use.

Ok, if you are currently having a relationship challenge, OR are a young person/teen and are trying to get clear on what relationships should be, then READ this book, now.

But DO NOT get the audiobook. It is extremely PAINFUL to listen to this male speaker. First he sounds like a salesperson on an infomercial. But most of all, his s-sounding words are overly emphasized. After a while it just sounds very raspy. At certain times it almost sounded like a machine gun or some kind of sanding machine. The treble is overmixed on this recording and that, accompanied with the speakers rasping, makes this very painful to listen to.

Love love love this book! My spouse and I read while doing Imago therapy, but I love it so much that I suggest for my own friends, clients, & colleagues. I am an LCSW that conducts family/marriage counseling and love utilizing the techniques and exercises describes in the book.

It's hard to put into words just how powerful this book is. It does a really great job of explaining how you have become who you are today, and gives you the tools to understand yourself as well as your partner. From that, you can start to resolve long standing problems - some of which you may not even know you had. It really helps you to get below the surface problems and deal with underlying issues.
The book is laid out in such a way that it continues to build on itself. In the beginning it educates you on how your brain works on a deeper and subconscious level, and then presents many examples throughout the book of situations, and how to overcome them. Near the end you're presented with two couples where everything you have learned is applied to show how situations can go from hopeless to happiness.
In my opinion, this book is one of the best kept secrets. I only wish more people knew about it.
Buy the book, and read it cover to cover. The time spent is more than worth it.

I have no reservations about this book. It is intelligent, well researched and covers essential facets of an individuals psychology that drives their ability to attain success in dating and relationships.

Much of how we behave with the opposite sex has to do with our emotional relationships with our parents. A person who has problems relating to his or her parents or feeling in control and grounded in the company of his or her parents, has issues. Issues that can be resolved if noticed and dealt with.

The first part of the book, `the unconscious marriage', goes into detail of how our past relationships and biology influence our success in a relationship.

The next part can help you enhance your awareness so you gain control of your unconscious behavior so you can't self-sabotage yourself and makes you more capable of dealing with relationship problems in a loving and intelligent manner.

Finally the author, Harvill Hendrix, provides you with some powerful exercises that you can apply right away to help you focus your mind on attaining the relationship success you desire. The exercises help you with emotional blocks you inherited from childhood (we all have some) to building your relationship and the affection you feel in a relationship.

This is an excellent book for anyone who wants to have a healthier relationship that grows and matures.

The main reason I'm offering my time to review this book is (don't get me wrong, what everyone online has said about this book is true) however they relate it to marriages. This book really isn't just for marriages, better yet I think the earlier you read this book, and the same for your mate, the easier it is to build a meaningful relationship and prevent the power struggle from ever occuring in the first place (or getting out of hand). I read this book because it intrigued me, and I'm starting off a great relationship of 5 months that I'm beginning to look towards the future with.

He explains very well why we do the things we do in relationships, and why when we feel as if our mate is holding back on us - we hold back on them, until the two of us just begin screaming.

If you want a better knowledge of the way you act, and why you picked the girlfriend / boyfriend / husband / wife that you did, you need to read this book. This will help you come to a better understanding of yourself and the actions between two people in love.

No one should be allowed to marry or even graduate from high school without a thorough-going understanding of this book. It may be the 1 thing (if there IS only 1 thing) we could do to improve our world - IMAGINE: feeling love and Being Loved year after year, decade after decade...it can be done, it has been done, most of us want that desperately...and if we learned how to do this, then we'd find ourselves in a happier citizenry, enjoy thriving kids from intact families in a civil society. The Hendrixes nail it... heavygoing reading, mind you... but heavygoing reading beats heavy heartbreak any day of the week... and heavier-going post-divorce years and what it does to the couple, the kids, the extended family, friends, the neighborhood, the community... it's too high a price to pay, especially if it turns out to be a Huge Mistake for all involved. GENIUS, GIFTED. A classic that no one could ever improve on. Thanks a million Dr. Hendrix! P.S. OPRAH also says he and his wife are The Best at explaining all of this - and I take Oprah's word on a LOT of things - since she has done a LOT of hard things Well.

I have studied books and tools on permarital and marital counselling and done both for 50+ years. I wish this book had been produced when I first startred out. It is very helpful; a MUST read for all about to marry or who are married! This is one of the best I have ever come across!

In this book, Harville Hendrix introduces the imago model, which he developed as a tool for understand relationship problems.
He details the theory which is mainly based on psychoanalytical theorizing. His approach is quite interesting to read as you will discover the "roots" of some of your marriage problems and will gain greater insight.
But insight alonen won't solve your problems. Therefore, the author presents 16 exercises, which you can do together with your spouse to work on your relationship. These are highly interesting and revealing.
What's really missing in this book is an integration of modern research findings into the dynamics of relationships. So read this book, but also read the book by J. Gottman: "The 7 principles for making marriage work"

I just really, really want to thank Harville Hendrix. I am not the sort of person who EVER reads self-help books, and when my friend recommended it to me, I judged this book with a big white guy on the cover and felt it wasn't me. After two expensive, lengthy and unsuccessful attempts with marriage counselors and being very near the end of my rope, I followed the insistent recommendation of a friend and picked it up. I am so grateful every day that I read and took to heart the attitude and technique that Harville Hendrix presented. He helped me to take the focus off of myself and strive for shared goals. He helped me to articulate my needs without blaming others. He helped me to be more empathetic towards my husband, and, just as Hendrix predicts in the book, it has helped him to be kinder towards me. I say without reservation that this book saved my marriage this past year; I would have left and my son would have been from another broken home if I did not have the tools this book gave me. I have given this book to my best friend and my own mother,and it's also a gift to anyone I know who announces their engagement; I am only sad to have discovered this book after 20 years of marriage, and am glad if people can start out on the footing this book offers. This book has also given me insight into all the relationships I have: why I pick the friends I do, and my dynamic with my parents. I know I am gushing, but I have to offer testimony that this book really did change my life and gave me consistent peace for many months in a row, after years of real strife. Every day I am grateful and say out loud,"THANK YOU, HARVILLE HENDRIX!"

This book is for couples with both good marriages and troubled marriages. We always had a good marriage, but with some bumps. We now have a fabulous marriage. The book has changed us both for the better as individuals, and made our marriage happier and more satisfying. When I first read the book, I thought some of the exercises looked a little weird, but we did every last one of them, and were amazed at the results. I highly recommend this book for anyone who wants to improve their marriage.

Anniversary Edition. . I read it twice. It's an easy read, not jargon-y or heady. I appreciated: Harville's crediting Helen's role in the book; the preview of how topics would be covered. I read with gratitude towards the authors and appreciation of my journey. When I found places where I could taker issue and lose the point of the book, I paused and thought Q: why am I reading this? A:.To grow and change. IMHO, this book is for those people with persistence... to get into themselves and then get over themselves? thank you

It was "okay" for me since i didn't need it. I thought it would help get love in all areas of your life (love from friends, love from parents, love from neighbors, co-workers, lover, anyone) or learn to be open to being loved. At the time i bought it was because a friend had mentioned it several times. That is because his specialty is thinking about partner centered relationships and i had put it on my list of books to read. Much later when i purchased it, I didn't know the title included, "A Guide for Couples". However, i could see how useful it would be for couples and i liked how Hendrix explains in plain language his concepts for seeing how we all have some scars from the past and how to keep them from destroying one of the most important relationships in our life. Also, while reading it while waiting at airport a man said enthusiastically to me, "That book saved my marriage!"... There you have it, word of mouth from a stranger (as is this review).

After being repeatedly amazed by the contents of his other book, Keeping the Love You Find, I finally decided to read Dr. Hendrix's book for couples. As a single individual, I was utterly impressed by the author's discoveries about relationships, which was backed up by data from science and psychology. I couldn't put the book down! This is a must read for singles and couples alike. For singles, this book contains treasures that would prepare us for dating and relationships. The only condition this book requests from us is that we should have the willingness and motivation to grow and change to better ourselves, our partners and our relationships. We should be courageous enough to rise above our conditioning and discomfort and try new behaviors that would ultimately bring forth spiritual growth. This book will provide you with wonderful insights about relationships and specific strategies that would help facilitate growth. Thank you Dr. Hendrix for sharing your wisdom. This is the best relationships book around!

Husband and wife team that created Imago therapy updated version.
Access to the internal foundation of the self, through an obtained understanding of why, who, when and what made us, us; with insight into our unconscious decision of why we chose our partner.
The workbook is an extension of the book for weekly mutually spent activities.
If you want to improve/change or even thinking of needing a healthy termination for both of you this therapy (know what you are looking for, interview therapists together and decide on one that meets your requirements and overall chemistry.

I got this book at church and highly recommend it. Hendrix delves into the mysteries of relationships and marriage with a practical look at why some work while others don't. I was prepared to reject this book as yet another shallow-self aid for couples but lost all skepticism within the very first chapter. Hendrix's advice is all the more personal because he discusses his own failed marriage frankly and it's clear that he can sympathize with the pain some couples face because he's been there himself.

If you're a person who avoids professional counseling because you can't relate to a "pro" who clearly hasn't had a single bad thing happen in his own life or marriage, then this book is DEFINITELY for you. I found the chapters on dealing with the

baggage of abusive relationships both invaluable and compassionate. Highly recommend this book to anyone who needs help, and I hope more churches, like mine, use it as a resource because it speaks to REAL PEOPLE.

This book saved my relationship and made it possible for us to feel ready to get married. 12 years later, still happily married. I love my husband. He and our son are worth every sacrifice and compromise ever made to get to where we are.

Getting the Love You Want is an old theory that is brought to life in Hendrix's book. I recommend it to my therapy clients as well as my trainees and interns. It conceptualizes how and why we experience the dynamics we do in our love relationships with the partners we choose. Then it takes one through a series of optional exercises to bring the relationship into a healthy place with empathy and understanding. If you want more out if your relationship or just want to know more about yourself in your relationship, then I would highly recommend this down to earth approach for personal as well as couples growth.

This is an excellent book that is thought provoking as well as a guide to true growth in a partnership. The first part of the book goes through many examples of how and why we are attracted to the people we end up being with and the second part guides you through a 12 week program that you can embark upon with your partner to heal your relationship. It is all about healing our childhood wounds and wanting our partner to heal them for us. Oh wouldn't that be good!! If both parties are willing, it has a lot to offer. But it is also good for the single person to reflect upon past painful relationships and why they may not have worked.
Dr Gunta Krumins-Caldwell author of On Silver Wings

i would give this book 10 stars if given that option. I got this book while going through a very hard time in my marriage. I hated my husband, I was depressed because I didn't want to leave him but I didn't want to be with him. Coincidentally ( although according to Freud there is no such thing as coincidence , and I have to agree ) I was watching Oprah and she had Dr. Hendrix on her show. the few words that i heard him speak made me want to work this out. after just reading barely a few chapters, I learned the most crucial part of being married. We go into marriage feeling a stereotypical feeling of "happy ever after" and being with a person who completes you. so a few years after that fairy tale ends, you are on the brink of divorce and miserably depressed.

Dr. hendrix successfully teaches you WHAT a marriage should be, WHY you are with your mate, why are you so ANGRY at them for no sound reason. and most importantly, how do you fix that and how do you in harmony and in a conscious, smart marriage.

needless to say I bought his other books, because reading just this book doesn't end the work you have to put into a happy and content life you have in front of you.

read his book on how to allow yourself to be loved ( btw, this does affect your marriage ) and MOST IMPORTANTLY his book on how to raise your kids with nurturing love so that they will not suffer as adults either.

As a psychologist in a college counseling center, I don't often have the opportunity to work with couples, but when I do, I always recommend this book. GETTING THE LOVE YOU WANT is an excellent self-help manual which is appropriate for all couples looking to enhance or to repair their relationship. Harville addresses the unconscious factors which contribute to who we choose as a mate, particularly the impact that significant figures from our childhoods (namely, our parents) can have on our relationships. He goes on to discuss in detail his Ten Characteristics of Developing a Conscious Marriage (or relationship). Each characteristic is illustrated using examples as well as a series of simple exercises which couples complete either individually or together. The 16 exercises are what make this book effective, and so it is vital that couples using the book make a commitment to work together. Those who are motivated for change will reap the rewards of this excellent self-help tool.

I am particular with mentioning personal experiences on relationship advice books. It gives more "feel" of the book they are writing. This book has this, and Harville Hendrix, not only boasts his Ph.D., but has the experience to tell advises on relationships. And just to emphasize, his focus on the "connection" is overwhelming, though sometimes, it feels too much already. I stumbled upon this book after I read Kamasutra Positions: Stop Searching and Improve Your Sex Life which could probably improve relationships as well. All in all, this book is informative, can be put to good use.

Ok, if you are currently having a relationship challenge, OR are a young person/teen and are trying to get clear on what relationships should be, then READ this book, now.

But DO NOT get the audiobook. It is extremely PAINFUL to listen to this male speaker. First he sounds like a salesperson on an infomercial. But most of all, his s-sounding words are overly emphasized. After a while it just sounds very raspy. At certain times it almost sounded like a machine gun or some kind of sanding machine. The treble is overmixed on this recording and that, accompanied with the speakers rasping, makes this very painful to listen to.

Love love love this book! My spouse and I read while doing Imago therapy, but I love it so much that I suggest for my own friends, clients, & colleagues. I am an LCSW that conducts family/marriage counseling and love utilizing the techniques and exercises describes in the book.

It's hard to put into words just how powerful this book is. It does a really great job of explaining how you have become who you are today, and gives you the tools to understand yourself as well as your partner. From that, you can start to resolve long standing problems - some of which you may not even know you had. It really helps you to get below the surface problems and deal with underlying issues.
The book is laid out in such a way that it continues to build on itself. In the beginning it educates you on how your brain works on a deeper and subconscious level, and then presents many examples throughout the book of situations, and how to overcome them. Near the end you're presented with two couples where everything you have learned is applied to show how situations can go from hopeless to happiness.
In my opinion, this book is one of the best kept secrets. I only wish more people knew about it.
Buy the book, and read it cover to cover. The time spent is more than worth it.

I have no reservations about this book. It is intelligent, well researched and covers essential facets of an individuals psychology that drives their ability to attain success in dating and relationships.

Much of how we behave with the opposite sex has to do with our emotional relationships with our parents. A person who has problems relating to his or her parents or feeling in control and grounded in the company of his or her parents, has issues. Issues that can be resolved if noticed and dealt with.

The first part of the book, `the unconscious marriage', goes into detail of how our past relationships and biology influence our success in a relationship.

The next part can help you enhance your awareness so you gain control of your unconscious behavior so you can't self-sabotage yourself and makes you more capable of dealing with relationship problems in a loving and intelligent manner.

Finally the author, Harvill Hendrix, provides you with some powerful exercises that you can apply right away to help you focus your mind on attaining the relationship success you desire. The exercises help you with emotional blocks you inherited from childhood (we all have some) to building your relationship and the affection you feel in a relationship.

This is an excellent book for anyone who wants to have a healthier relationship that grows and matures.

The main reason I'm offering my time to review this book is (don't get me wrong, what everyone online has said about this book is true) however they relate it to marriages. This book really isn't just for marriages, better yet I think the earlier you read this book, and the same for your mate, the easier it is to build a meaningful relationship and prevent the power struggle from ever occuring in the first place (or getting out of hand). I read this book because it intrigued me, and I'm starting off a great relationship of 5 months that I'm beginning to look towards the future with.

He explains very well why we do the things we do in relationships, and why when we feel as if our mate is holding back on us - we hold back on them, until the two of us just begin screaming.

If you want a better knowledge of the way you act, and why you picked the girlfriend / boyfriend / husband / wife that you did, you need to read this book. This will help you come to a better understanding of yourself and the actions between two people in love.

No one should be allowed to marry or even graduate from high school without a thorough-going understanding of this book. It may be the 1 thing (if there IS only 1 thing) we could do to improve our world - IMAGINE: feeling love and Being Loved year after year, decade after decade...it can be done, it has been done, most of us want that desperately...and if we learned how to do this, then we'd find ourselves in a happier citizenry, enjoy thriving kids from intact families in a civil society. The Hendrixes nail it... heavygoing reading, mind you... but heavygoing reading beats heavy heartbreak any day of the week... and heavier-going post-divorce years and what it does to the couple, the kids, the extended family, friends, the neighborhood, the community... it's too high a price to pay, especially if it turns out to be a Huge Mistake for all involved. GENIUS, GIFTED. A classic that no one could ever improve on. Thanks a million Dr. Hendrix! P.S. OPRAH also says he and his wife are The Best at explaining all of this - and I take Oprah's word on a LOT of things - since she has done a LOT of hard things Well.

I have studied books and tools on permarital and marital counselling and done both for 50+ years. I wish this book had been produced when I first startred out. It is very helpful; a MUST read for all about to marry or who are married! This is one of the best I have ever come across!

In this book, Harville Hendrix introduces the imago model, which he developed as a tool for understand relationship problems.
He details the theory which is mainly based on psychoanalytical theorizing. His approach is quite interesting to read as you will discover the "roots" of some of your marriage problems and will gain greater insight.
But insight alonen won't solve your problems. Therefore, the author presents 16 exercises, which you can do together with your spouse to work on your relationship. These are highly interesting and revealing.
What's really missing in this book is an integration of modern research findings into the dynamics of relationships. So read this book, but also read the book by J. Gottman: "The 7 principles for making marriage work"

I just really, really want to thank Harville Hendrix. I am not the sort of person who EVER reads self-help books, and when my friend recommended it to me, I judged this book with a big white guy on the cover and felt it wasn't me. After two expensive, lengthy and unsuccessful attempts with marriage counselors and being very near the end of my rope, I followed the insistent recommendation of a friend and picked it up. I am so grateful every day that I read and took to heart the attitude and technique that Harville Hendrix presented. He helped me to take the focus off of myself and strive for shared goals. He helped me to articulate my needs without blaming others. He helped me to be more empathetic towards my husband, and, just as Hendrix predicts in the book, it has helped him to be kinder towards me. I say without reservation that this book saved my marriage this past year; I would have left and my son would have been from another broken home if I did not have the tools this book gave me. I have given this book to my best friend and my own mother,and it's also a gift to anyone I know who announces their engagement; I am only sad to have discovered this book after 20 years of marriage, and am glad if people can start out on the footing this book offers. This book has also given me insight into all the relationships I have: why I pick the friends I do, and my dynamic with my parents. I know I am gushing, but I have to offer testimony that this book really did change my life and gave me consistent peace for many months in a row, after years of real strife. Every day I am grateful and say out loud,"THANK YOU, HARVILLE HENDRIX!"

This book is for couples with both good marriages and troubled marriages. We always had a good marriage, but with some bumps. We now have a fabulous marriage. The book has changed us both for the better as individuals, and made our marriage happier and more satisfying. When I first read the book, I thought some of the exercises looked a little weird, but we did every last one of them, and were amazed at the results. I highly recommend this book for anyone who wants to improve their marriage.

Anniversary Edition. . I read it twice. It's an easy read, not jargon-y or heady. I appreciated: Harville's crediting Helen's role in the book; the preview of how topics would be covered. I read with gratitude towards the authors and appreciation of my journey. When I found places where I could taker issue and lose the point of the book, I paused and thought Q: why am I reading this? A:.To grow and change. IMHO, this book is for those people with persistence... to get into themselves and then get over themselves? thank you

Before you make a mess of your marriage, buy this book. And if your marraige is aleady a mess, buy this book. It gives all sorts of pointers on how to interact in loving ways and even has a workbook with exercises in the back (and a separate one you can buy) to help make new ways of interacting more automatic. It's an easy read and full of "ahas!" It helps you both to see how being self-centered, always focusing on having your own needs being met isn't loving at all! Therapist recommended. Revised and improved. Worth every penny.

Harville Hendricks has written an excellent book that gives couples necessary information that will strengthen their knowledge of themselves and ways to improve their marriage. It's an excellent resource for couples who can use a "shot in the arm" for their marriage as well as those whose marriage is in trouble.

Excellent book, a different look at marriage that deals with the psychology of love. There are workshops through out the world that teach couples how to use the information taught in this book. I wish I would have found this book/CD years ago. Buy the CD and go for a long ride, It could change the way you love your partner and have you take a look at yourself.

I offer retreats in Sedona, Arizona and am also author of Love's Secret, also a relationship guide for couples. Getting the love you want is an excellent guide for couples and we have it listed on our required reading list for couples. It offers easy to follow tools and advice for couples to get the love they want and deserve.

This book is definitely an eye opener into your own self, and why we are who we are and why we choose the mate we do. This book is an excellent guide for any couple who are mature enough to know they want a lifetime committment to each other and want to understand each other and communicate with one another more effectively. This book probably would not be much help to a couple that is extremely young, i.e. teens, or who are still immature themselves. If you are willing to make the committment and want a more fulfilling and meaningful relationship with your partner, this is definitely an excellent guide, but both partners would need to be as committed as the other to wanting to make the relationship work. Dr. Hendrix's exercises at the end of the book are invaluable and really changed our relationship for the better.

Finally some one gets the whole picture! And puts it all in an easy to read book. Harville Hendrix not only explains the hows and whys of dying relationships he also has the cure. Most others only scratch the surface, he goes deep down. It can only be helpful to read it.
I want my daughters to read this book before they begin a marriage!

I purchased this book to share with family members and friends; it is a 20th anniversary reprint and still applicable today. If you find yourself in another dysfunctional relationship please read this book. It may inspire you to change things where you are, or not to repeat the choices that get you into this mess every time if you start a new relationship :>) Facinating assessment with clear examples that improve our understanding of ourselves and our partners roles in replaying early, important relationships. Helps one to see how personal growth and an improved relationship can be created and flourish in the midst of your current situation.

I purchased the first edition back in the late `80's I believe. At that time I personally found the information innovative. The fact that Dr. Hendrix and his wife, who has been honored for her work in helping women, have personally proven that the contents of the book work. Plus, they are now teaching what they have learned together, to qualified therapists. I purchased "Getting the Love You Want" as a gift this time. As always, it's up to the individual/ couple to take what they've learned and use it in a positive way.

Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples, 20th Anniversary Edition

Are you looking for some real practical help for your marriage or for someone you know? This book provides just that. The exercises are positive, constructive, and relationship enhancing. Exercises include creating a vision statement for your marriage; learning a form of dialogue that creates a safety factor where each person is fully heard; creating lists of fun filled exciting activities you want to do; how to give the gift of change to your partner; and exercises for reromancing.

To put these exercises into action you may wish to join a group for support. Look for groups that teach Couplehood as a Spiritual Path, a program created by the same authors.

This is truly an awesome book! I also have the accompanying workbook to this. Really helps you understand how your childhood affects your everyday life and relationships...a must read, especially if you want to form a closer and more successful bond with your partner. So glad a friend referred this to me. She and her husband read it as well and even attended some of the workshops.

This book was prescribed for me in my first year of my now 7 year marriage. It highlighted many mysteries and removed many of my mythical but un-useful beliefs about 'the power of love.' It is remarkable in its power to change and its simplicity. Some of the insights have been applicable to all aspects of my life. I look back with real gratitude for the insights I gained from this book. I've often recommended the book to others, always with positive feedback.

This is an excellent book for anyone who that feels that their relationship has become unbearable and is seriously considering divorce rather than wasting life in an empty marriage. If you or your spouse is threatening divorce and you want to give the relationship one last chance I would use this book as the bargaining chip. Negotiate that you will agree to get a divorce on the condition that you read the book together, (discussing each paragraph and going through all the exercises in the end along with the workbook). If you set a reasonable date for completing the work and fully engage in it, then you will have saved the best friendship in your life and healed some childhood wounds in the process. Good luck.

Most people want to be known, especially by their intimate partner. To be able to speak your most vulnerable truth and hear your partner say, “I get you” or “You make sense” melts the heart and eases the pain of disconnection even when it doesn’t seem possible. Getting to this tender moment is what this book and Imago Relationship Therapy is all about.

This was an interesting book that focused on the theory and practice of two people involved in a relationship learning how to be become passionate friends.
The book is divided into three parts. Part one focuses on attraction, romantic love and the power struggle. Part two focuses on a marriage that is satisfying and part three focuses on teaching you how to deal with the obstacles presented in part one and two.
Part three presents a series of step-by-step exercises that you can complete in the privacy of your own home. These exercises claim to not only help you gain insight into the problems but also to help you resolve them.
Does it work? Well, that is a question you will have to find out for yourself.
This is an interesting book overall and you will definitely gain insight into your partner if you follow through with the exercises presented in this book. You may even surprise yourself and gain some insight into yourself.

...is about how-to heal and resolve childhood issues/wounds with our partner (rather than bringing them into our relationships) by using Dr. Harville's thesis that we choose partners who have similar attributes and qualities as our parents. A must read for everyone!

I have heard Harville Hendrix speak and I am planning to take a course with him all because I was introduced to this book. This is a must read couple's book for any couple or single person who wants to be in a better relationship. Harville has a knack for getting down to the nitty gritty of humans and relationships with heart and humor. This is not just another theory but a hands on approach to healing. You can tell by reading his book that he has lived this journey and the book comes from his own experiences. I have made this book required reading for the couple's I see for counseling and have found it to be very helpful in my own relationship.

For couples looking to connect and expose some wounds that can be addressed and healed.... Read this book and do the exercises in the end. It will make you really change your way of dealing with your mate. In time it will become second nature and you're in love all over again.

I read the first edition of this book 20 years ago, ten years into my current and only marriage. It changed my life. The understanding of what marriage could be, and perhaps what it was ultimately for, was compelling. Twenty years later in hindsight it is safe to say this book changed the course of my marriage and my life. I'm much more giving and tolerant, and so is my wife - clearly the more you love the more it comes back to you. I just re-read this edition and it rings absolutely true to our journey and has deepened the quality of our marriage yet again. I cannot recommend it more highly. I give it to anyone who is starting a new relationship, and I've come to learn they then do the same.

I'm reading this and find it the best book I've read so far on relationships and how to make them work better. The author discusses the unconscious and the conscious and concludes that it's necessary to understand and work on both to develop and improve a relationship. He talks about why we unconsciously pick the partners we do, about unfulfilled childhood needs that we may be unconsciously (and unrealistically?) expecting our partner to meet. He then offers some very practical and doable exercises for consciously changing the partnership or marriage. This book gives me a lot of reality based optimism for improving a relationship and making things work.

I am a counselor and I often recommend this book to couples who have lost their connection w/ each other. I like that the book contains exercises for couples to help them really spell out what they can each do to take responsiblity for strengthening the relationship.

As a practicing psychologist I have found few tools which are as helpful to couples as Hendrix's book. A well developed text written in a very approachable style. Not only does the book provide a solid theroretical foundation for understanding marriage and patterns of attraction, but it also gives tools and techniques that couples can use on their own to enhance communication and build greater intimacy. Unlike many self-help couples books which are based on "one good idea" this book is an excellent comprehensive guide in your path to a conscious realtionship. Highly recommended.

Dr. Hendrix has condensed Adlerian psychodynamic psychotherapy into an easily read, easily understood volume which is appropriate to couples possessing the desire and motivation to enrich both thier marriage and their personal lives. As a practicing therapist, I find that Dr. Hendrix has developed tools which enhance the effectiveness of Adlerian therapy. One caution: for this book to be effective, maturity and discipline are required. It is not a magic pill; it is a tool which must be used diligently and with maturity.

The philosophy of relationships that Dr. Haskill has developed is well researched and eye opening. The excersizes in section 3 of the book are useful tools for willing couples to use to find a deeper understanding of themselves and better communication.

I highly recommend this item, for anyone who believes that the answer to trouble in a love relationship is not to abandon the loved one but to first resolve the issues that have surfaced. The author has really hit on something.

Harville Hendricks has provided a clear and easily followed outline for couples to follow as they work on their marriage. It teaches effective communication which is the foundation of a successful marriage. I heartily endorse this book.

Very helpful book in understanding you own motives and feelings in a relationship.
The writing is flowing and interesting. Personally, I am not a fan of freudian approach that blames every unpleasant interaction in unmet needs in childhood, rather, I tend to read it as a metaphor that helps in describing feelings more accurately.

One piece of advice: if you started reading it, don't stop in the middle. After having read the first part, you would be in real need for the second and third parts in order to deal constructively with this new information.
Also, don't forget there are endless ways to understand and analyse your relationship and that this is just one perspective. No single theory can provide you with complete view.

I recognized my past mistakes that drove my old boyfriend away. Mr. Hendrix's book was a wake-up call for me to watch my bad habits with men. It's weird how this guy manages to see women's faults that we can't see when it comes to keeping that relationship healthy with that right man. He definitley helped me. It also helps men screw their head on the right way also. A great book for both sexes. This is a far cry from Men Are From Mars; Women Are From Venus.

Most people want to be known, especially by their intimate partner. To be able to speak your most vulnerable truth and hear your partner say, “I get you” or “You make sense” melts the heart and eases the pain of disconnection even when it doesn’t seem possible. Getting to this tender moment is what this book and Imago Relationship Therapy is all about.

This is a wonderful book, and should be mandatory reading for anyone in a relationship or thinking about one. It provides valuable insights into basic human behavior, as well as practical tools for improving communication, deepening understanding and creating greater intimacy. Reading this book changed all of my relationships dramatically. It improved my familial relationships, romantic relationships, and probably most importantly my relationship with myself. If you want better relationships, this is a must read!

This is, in part a response to the review by Abashed. As someone who has done both self-directed couple growth exercises and counselor directed exercises, I can say that the book probably needs to be used with a degree of caution. I certainly intend to buy and use a copy. BUT, I am aware that if, as we use the exercises, a potential problem starts to surface -- then it is time to seek a professional who is trained in Imago therapy.

For most couples, the exercises in this book are likely to be a source of growth and joy. But if you start to find something else please try to find assistance.

Any self-help book in the field of psychology has this potential pitfall. The growth process is seldom completely straight-forward.

Please note that I am not saying, "Don't buy this book." I believe that it may be a source of growth for many couples. I believe that Harville Hendrix has one of the best conceptual frameworks for relationship. What I am saying is that growth is risky, and that if you and your partner start to feel problems or less close, it may be time to seek professional assistance.

Good luck and good loving to all.

This book puts you in touch with those childhood hurts you never remembered. As someone who felt her childhood was ideal, it was an eyeopener to discover that those occasions I simply forgot actually had a barring on how I respond to hurt or disappointment as an adult. Crazy! Keep in mind, the exercises don't work as well unless your significant other is willing to get involved. Do your best and take away what you can to help yourself.

Although the book title indicates it is for couples, I read it as a single person and felt I got just as much out of it. It is a self discovery ride of epic proportions with realizations out the wazoo!

This book is incredible. The title will deceive you a bit because I thought it would only help you with marriage matters. However, it will really help you get what you want/need out of any relationship. It helps you to understand just about anyone. It will also help to be understood. I recommend this book to everyone. It will help you to be a better partner, friend, parent, even employee. BE PREPARED to deal with senstive issues.

These CDs are great to listen to while stuck in traffic. The content is right on target with its roots from cognitive behavioral therapy. By understanding your past you will be able to recreate your future. What you'll gain from this set of CD's will change your life.

I read Hendrix's book, "Getting the love you want" and was taken with its simplicity. He offers a great deal of help for anyone who wants to obtain a meaningful, healthy relationship. His approach is fresh and free of the typical demonization of others. Excellent book that I highly recommend.
John D. Moore, MS, CADC
---
Author of Confusing Love with Obsession

If anything it makes you think and learn something about yourself. Couples must be true believers to buy into this. Unfortunately I think most values are lost today and divorce it's just " a drive-thru " solution, quick and easy.

O.k, so as a 14 year old, I'm not exacly gonna be thinking about marridge just yet, and neither do i have a girlfriend,but i did buy this book anyway just to see what it was like.And it was well worth money.It gives you tips, hints, pointers, and most importantly the advice you need to maintain a stable relasionship.Hendrix speaks of past cases gone wrong, and how he help couples through there difficult times.

Overall this is a very good book which i would strongly reccomend to you.4 stars!

the book is very good, but the condition, which the seller said was very good, even excellent, was poor.
There was water damage and many personal marks in ink and color markers all over the text.
The rating by the seller was misguiding and a lie.

I read this book 15 years ago and it completely changed my life. I have over the years lent it out to many friends, who found this book tremendously helpful themselves. Unfortunatly, someone did not return it and because I love this book so much, I am purchasing another copy so I will always have it. This book is worth the purchase, even for singles.

Very interesting ideas and a good read. Some examples:

p3 The type of human being we prefer reveals the contours of our heart - Ortega Gasset

p8 Most of us underestimate the scope of the unconscious mind (analogous to the stars in the sky that `come out at night).

Brain structure:

Brain Stem - Physical action (breathing, blood circulation, etc)

Limbic system - generate vivid emotions

Old Brain = Brain Stem + Limbic System. Main concern is self-preservation: "Is it safe?"

Cerebral Cortex = New Brain - Cognitive functions; i.e., Conscious, alert, makes decisions, thinks, observes, plans, anticipates, responds, organizes, information, creates ideas - the part of your mind you think of as "You".

The New Brain directly perceives the outside world. The Old Brain gets images, symbols and thoughts produced by the New Brain in broad categories: Is this someone to nurture, be nurtured by, have sex with, run away from, submit to, or attack.

The Old Brian has no sense of linear time. Today, tomorrow, yesterday do not exist, everything that was, still is.

Old Brain issues: Abandonment, Me vs. You Boundaries (Fusers vs. Isolators), Life & Death (we expect the outside world to take care of us),

P12 In mate selection, we are looking for someone with a very specific set of positive and negative traits - we are looking for the people who raised us so we can heal old childhood wounds.

The ultimate reason you fell in love with your mate, I am suggesting, is not that your mate was young and beautiful, had an impressive job, had a point value equal to yours, or had a kind disposition. You fell in love because your Old Brain had your partner confused with your parents! Your Old Brain believed that it had finally found the ideal candidate to make up for the psychological and emotional damage you experienced in childhood.

P15 Eros = Life force

P31 You Imago is a composite picture of the people who influenced you most strongly at an early age. A part of your brain recorded everything about them

P55 Unconsciously, we want our partners to love us the way our parents never did - to satisfy unmet childhood needs, complement lost self-parts, nurture us in a consistent and loving way, and be eternally available to us.

P62 People react to their partners as if they were carbon copies of their parents (or the people who raised them), even if all of their traits are not the same. In their compelling need to work on unfinished business, they project the missing parental traits onto their partners. Then, by treating their partners as if they actually had these traits, they manage to provoke the desired response. A colleague of mine claims that people either "pick imago matches, project them, or provoke them".

P63 The Imago is not only an inner image of what we want in the opposite sex; it is also a description of our disowned self; i.e. our dark side - the parts of our being we try to ignore, the traits we disliked in our parents.

P64 People try to exorcise their denied negative traits by projecting them onto their mates. They look at their partners and criticize all the things they dislike and deny in themselves. Taking a negative trait and attributing it to their partner is a remarkably effective way to obscure a not-so-desirable part of the self.

P65 Elements of the Power Struggle:

1. We stir up each other's repressed behaviors and feelings.
2. Reinjure each other's childhood wounds
3. Project their own negative traits onto each other.

P65 What makes us believe that hurting their partner will make them behave more pleasantly? Why don't people simply tell each other in plain English that they want more affection or attention or lovemaking or freedom or whatever it is that they are craving? Answer - When we were babies we didn't smile at our Mothers to get them to take care of us - we screamed! The success of this tactic was turned into an imprint about how to get the world to respond to our needs. "When you are frustrated, provoke the people around you. Be as unpleasant as possible until someone comes to your rescue and figures out what your problem is.

P67 Stages of the Power Struggle:

1. Shock (the long anticipated healing is not to be)
2. Denial (see things in the best light possible)
3. Anger (either your partner has changed or your were deceived all along)
4. Bargaining (I'll be nicer it you'll be smarter)
5. Despair (try to find happiness outside the marriage)

P73 It's the Old Brain that is responsible for our infantile response to frustration, the `cry or criticize' response that only results in further alienation.

P75 In most interactions with your partner, you are actually safer when you lower your defenses than when you keep them engaged, because your partner becomes an ally, not an enemy.

P76 Ten Characteristics of a Conscious Marriage:

1. You realize that your love relationship has a hidden purpose - the healing of childhood wounds
2. You create a more accurate image of your partner - they are not your parents, or your negative traits. They are not your Savior, but another wounded human being struggling to be whole.
3. You take responsibility for communicating your needs and desires to your partner.
4. You become more intentional in your interactions - be more constructive.
5. You learn to value your partner's needs and wishes as highly as you value your own.
6. You embrace the dark side of your personality.
7. You learn new techniques to satisfy your basic needs and desires
8. You search within yourself for the strength and abilities you are lacking.
9. You become more aware of your drive to be loving and whole and united with the Universe.
10. You accept the difficulty of creating a good marriage. In an Unconscious Marriage you believe you have to find the right partner. In a Conscious Marriage you realize you have to be the right partner.

P78 All the people in the world are strangers. If you want a friend, you're going to have to go out and make one.

P79 Some people are caught up in concepts and ideas, not feelings. They hid their vulnerability behind their formidable intellect, which prevents any genuine intimacy.

P84 Most of us go thru married life as if we were asleep, engaging in routine interactions that give us little pleasure. We have forgotten who we are. We come into the world blazing trails of glory, but the fire is soon extinguished, and we lose sight of the fact we are whole spiritual beings. We live impoverished, repetitious; unrewarding lives and blame our partners for our unhappiness.

It is only when we see marriage as a vehicle for change and self-growth that we can begin to satisfy our unconscious yearnings.

P89 What is your vision for your marriage? What would you like it to be like? E.g.

1. We enjoy each other's company
2. We are financially secure
3. We spend time together doing things we both enjoy
4. We settle our differences peacefully
5. We have satisfying and beautiful sex
6. We are healthy and physically active
7. We communicate easily and openly
8. We meditate together
9. We are each other's best friend
10. We trust each other
11. We work well together
12. We share important decisions
13. We meet each others deepest needs
14. We have daily private time

P93 Why do people spend so much time avoiding intimacy? Anger and Fear. "I am angry with you for not meeting my needs", and fear of pain.

P108 People who grew up experiencing a great deal of repression tend to have a particularly hard time with the Reromanticizing exercise. They have difficulty coming up with any requests, or they sabotage their partner's efforts to carry them out. They are hiding behind the psychic shield they erected as children to protect themselves from overbearing parents.

P149 Love and Anger are two sides of the same coin. We feel joyful and loving when our life force (Holiness) is allowed to flourish. We become angry when it is thwarted. We become angry when the promise of life is denied.

P186 Focus on yourself. You should realize that what you are doing for your partner is what you're doing for yourself. It's about your personal growth. When you stretch to meet one of your spouses needs, you are reclaiming part of yourself.

Thought this book was insightful in so many ways and offered a very convincing argument for the authors methods of therapy. It was easily relatable and I found a lot of parallels in my own life to the ideas presented. I would whole heartedly go see him if he was nearby, but I look forward to trying the relationship strategies on my own for now.

This educational reading takes you through the stages of your relationship as to connect it with your upbringing. It helps you explore your unmet childhood needs and discusses specific ways (via the exercises) on how to get these needs met as to heal (for you and your partner) old hurts. This book has been very useful to me professionally and personally.

Most people want to be known, especially by their intimate partner. To be able to speak your most vulnerable truth and hear your partner say, “I get you” or “You make sense” melts the heart and eases the pain of disconnection even when it doesn’t seem possible. Getting to this tender moment is what this book and Imago Relationship Therapy is all about.

This is a wonderful book, and should be mandatory reading for anyone in a relationship or thinking about one. It provides valuable insights into basic human behavior, as well as practical tools for improving communication, deepening understanding and creating greater intimacy. Reading this book changed all of my relationships dramatically. It improved my familial relationships, romantic relationships, and probably most importantly my relationship with myself. If you want better relationships, this is a must read!

This is, in part a response to the review by Abashed. As someone who has done both self-directed couple growth exercises and counselor directed exercises, I can say that the book probably needs to be used with a degree of caution. I certainly intend to buy and use a copy. BUT, I am aware that if, as we use the exercises, a potential problem starts to surface -- then it is time to seek a professional who is trained in Imago therapy.

For most couples, the exercises in this book are likely to be a source of growth and joy. But if you start to find something else please try to find assistance.

Any self-help book in the field of psychology has this potential pitfall. The growth process is seldom completely straight-forward.

Please note that I am not saying, "Don't buy this book." I believe that it may be a source of growth for many couples. I believe that Harville Hendrix has one of the best conceptual frameworks for relationship. What I am saying is that growth is risky, and that if you and your partner start to feel problems or less close, it may be time to seek professional assistance.

Good luck and good loving to all.

This book puts you in touch with those childhood hurts you never remembered. As someone who felt her childhood was ideal, it was an eyeopener to discover that those occasions I simply forgot actually had a barring on how I respond to hurt or disappointment as an adult. Crazy! Keep in mind, the exercises don't work as well unless your significant other is willing to get involved. Do your best and take away what you can to help yourself.

Although the book title indicates it is for couples, I read it as a single person and felt I got just as much out of it. It is a self discovery ride of epic proportions with realizations out the wazoo!

This book is incredible. The title will deceive you a bit because I thought it would only help you with marriage matters. However, it will really help you get what you want/need out of any relationship. It helps you to understand just about anyone. It will also help to be understood. I recommend this book to everyone. It will help you to be a better partner, friend, parent, even employee. BE PREPARED to deal with senstive issues.

These CDs are great to listen to while stuck in traffic. The content is right on target with its roots from cognitive behavioral therapy. By understanding your past you will be able to recreate your future. What you'll gain from this set of CD's will change your life.

I read Hendrix's book, "Getting the love you want" and was taken with its simplicity. He offers a great deal of help for anyone who wants to obtain a meaningful, healthy relationship. His approach is fresh and free of the typical demonization of others. Excellent book that I highly recommend.
John D. Moore, MS, CADC
---
Author of Confusing Love with Obsession

If anything it makes you think and learn something about yourself. Couples must be true believers to buy into this. Unfortunately I think most values are lost today and divorce it's just " a drive-thru " solution, quick and easy.

O.k, so as a 14 year old, I'm not exacly gonna be thinking about marridge just yet, and neither do i have a girlfriend,but i did buy this book anyway just to see what it was like.And it was well worth money.It gives you tips, hints, pointers, and most importantly the advice you need to maintain a stable relasionship.Hendrix speaks of past cases gone wrong, and how he help couples through there difficult times.

Overall this is a very good book which i would strongly reccomend to you.4 stars!

the book is very good, but the condition, which the seller said was very good, even excellent, was poor.
There was water damage and many personal marks in ink and color markers all over the text.
The rating by the seller was misguiding and a lie.

I read this book 15 years ago and it completely changed my life. I have over the years lent it out to many friends, who found this book tremendously helpful themselves. Unfortunatly, someone did not return it and because I love this book so much, I am purchasing another copy so I will always have it. This book is worth the purchase, even for singles.

Very interesting ideas and a good read. Some examples:

p3 The type of human being we prefer reveals the contours of our heart - Ortega Gasset

p8 Most of us underestimate the scope of the unconscious mind (analogous to the stars in the sky that `come out at night).

Brain structure:

Brain Stem - Physical action (breathing, blood circulation, etc)

Limbic system - generate vivid emotions

Old Brain = Brain Stem + Limbic System. Main concern is self-preservation: "Is it safe?"

Cerebral Cortex = New Brain - Cognitive functions; i.e., Conscious, alert, makes decisions, thinks, observes, plans, anticipates, responds, organizes, information, creates ideas - the part of your mind you think of as "You".

The New Brain directly perceives the outside world. The Old Brain gets images, symbols and thoughts produced by the New Brain in broad categories: Is this someone to nurture, be nurtured by, have sex with, run away from, submit to, or attack.

The Old Brian has no sense of linear time. Today, tomorrow, yesterday do not exist, everything that was, still is.

Old Brain issues: Abandonment, Me vs. You Boundaries (Fusers vs. Isolators), Life & Death (we expect the outside world to take care of us),

P12 In mate selection, we are looking for someone with a very specific set of positive and negative traits - we are looking for the people who raised us so we can heal old childhood wounds.

The ultimate reason you fell in love with your mate, I am suggesting, is not that your mate was young and beautiful, had an impressive job, had a point value equal to yours, or had a kind disposition. You fell in love because your Old Brain had your partner confused with your parents! Your Old Brain believed that it had finally found the ideal candidate to make up for the psychological and emotional damage you experienced in childhood.

P15 Eros = Life force

P31 You Imago is a composite picture of the people who influenced you most strongly at an early age. A part of your brain recorded everything about them

P55 Unconsciously, we want our partners to love us the way our parents never did - to satisfy unmet childhood needs, complement lost self-parts, nurture us in a consistent and loving way, and be eternally available to us.

P62 People react to their partners as if they were carbon copies of their parents (or the people who raised them), even if all of their traits are not the same. In their compelling need to work on unfinished business, they project the missing parental traits onto their partners. Then, by treating their partners as if they actually had these traits, they manage to provoke the desired response. A colleague of mine claims that people either "pick imago matches, project them, or provoke them".

P63 The Imago is not only an inner image of what we want in the opposite sex; it is also a description of our disowned self; i.e. our dark side - the parts of our being we try to ignore, the traits we disliked in our parents.

P64 People try to exorcise their denied negative traits by projecting them onto their mates. They look at their partners and criticize all the things they dislike and deny in themselves. Taking a negative trait and attributing it to their partner is a remarkably effective way to obscure a not-so-desirable part of the self.

P65 Elements of the Power Struggle:

1. We stir up each other's repressed behaviors and feelings.
2. Reinjure each other's childhood wounds
3. Project their own negative traits onto each other.

P65 What makes us believe that hurting their partner will make them behave more pleasantly? Why don't people simply tell each other in plain English that they want more affection or attention or lovemaking or freedom or whatever it is that they are craving? Answer - When we were babies we didn't smile at our Mothers to get them to take care of us - we screamed! The success of this tactic was turned into an imprint about how to get the world to respond to our needs. "When you are frustrated, provoke the people around you. Be as unpleasant as possible until someone comes to your rescue and figures out what your problem is.

P67 Stages of the Power Struggle:

1. Shock (the long anticipated healing is not to be)
2. Denial (see things in the best light possible)
3. Anger (either your partner has changed or your were deceived all along)
4. Bargaining (I'll be nicer it you'll be smarter)
5. Despair (try to find happiness outside the marriage)

P73 It's the Old Brain that is responsible for our infantile response to frustration, the `cry or criticize' response that only results in further alienation.

P75 In most interactions with your partner, you are actually safer when you lower your defenses than when you keep them engaged, because your partner becomes an ally, not an enemy.

P76 Ten Characteristics of a Conscious Marriage:

1. You realize that your love relationship has a hidden purpose - the healing of childhood wounds
2. You create a more accurate image of your partner - they are not your parents, or your negative traits. They are not your Savior, but another wounded human being struggling to be whole.
3. You take responsibility for communicating your needs and desires to your partner.
4. You become more intentional in your interactions - be more constructive.
5. You learn to value your partner's needs and wishes as highly as you value your own.
6. You embrace the dark side of your personality.
7. You learn new techniques to satisfy your basic needs and desires
8. You search within yourself for the strength and abilities you are lacking.
9. You become more aware of your drive to be loving and whole and united with the Universe.
10. You accept the difficulty of creating a good marriage. In an Unconscious Marriage you believe you have to find the right partner. In a Conscious Marriage you realize you have to be the right partner.

P78 All the people in the world are strangers. If you want a friend, you're going to have to go out and make one.

P79 Some people are caught up in concepts and ideas, not feelings. They hid their vulnerability behind their formidable intellect, which prevents any genuine intimacy.

P84 Most of us go thru married life as if we were asleep, engaging in routine interactions that give us little pleasure. We have forgotten who we are. We come into the world blazing trails of glory, but the fire is soon extinguished, and we lose sight of the fact we are whole spiritual beings. We live impoverished, repetitious; unrewarding lives and blame our partners for our unhappiness.

It is only when we see marriage as a vehicle for change and self-growth that we can begin to satisfy our unconscious yearnings.

P89 What is your vision for your marriage? What would you like it to be like? E.g.

1. We enjoy each other's company
2. We are financially secure
3. We spend time together doing things we both enjoy
4. We settle our differences peacefully
5. We have satisfying and beautiful sex
6. We are healthy and physically active
7. We communicate easily and openly
8. We meditate together
9. We are each other's best friend
10. We trust each other
11. We work well together
12. We share important decisions
13. We meet each others deepest needs
14. We have daily private time

P93 Why do people spend so much time avoiding intimacy? Anger and Fear. "I am angry with you for not meeting my needs", and fear of pain.

P108 People who grew up experiencing a great deal of repression tend to have a particularly hard time with the Reromanticizing exercise. They have difficulty coming up with any requests, or they sabotage their partner's efforts to carry them out. They are hiding behind the psychic shield they erected as children to protect themselves from overbearing parents.

P149 Love and Anger are two sides of the same coin. We feel joyful and loving when our life force (Holiness) is allowed to flourish. We become angry when it is thwarted. We become angry when the promise of life is denied.

P186 Focus on yourself. You should realize that what you are doing for your partner is what you're doing for yourself. It's about your personal growth. When you stretch to meet one of your spouses needs, you are reclaiming part of yourself.

Thought this book was insightful in so many ways and offered a very convincing argument for the authors methods of therapy. It was easily relatable and I found a lot of parallels in my own life to the ideas presented. I would whole heartedly go see him if he was nearby, but I look forward to trying the relationship strategies on my own for now.

This educational reading takes you through the stages of your relationship as to connect it with your upbringing. It helps you explore your unmet childhood needs and discusses specific ways (via the exercises) on how to get these needs met as to heal (for you and your partner) old hurts. This book has been very useful to me professionally and personally.

The number one rule of all time here is NEVER CRITICIZE. The good doctor says there is no such thing as "constructive criticism" where a spouse is concerned. I have used that advice in mothering my children and found it to work wonders.

"Getting the Love You Want" helped me understand myself and others in order to improve my relationships. I recommend "Getting the Love You Want" and have shared it with family and friends I care for, Lourdes Ferragut

Hendrix is brilliant and loving. The truth of his wisdom resonates with your own experience. And you can FEEL his insight and compassion on the pages. If you really want to learn what's keeping you from the love you want, you will in this masterpiece. Jan Denise, "Inside Relationships" columnist and author of "Innately Good: Dispelling the Myth That You're Not"

This book really helps you focus on your relationship with your spouse. It helps you to dig deep into the thoughts and reasons behind your behavior that probably never entered your mind. When you understand why you act a certain way in response to a situation, it can only serve to make your relationship stronger.

A lot of good stuff in here to offer some help, but nothing magical.
Not a chore to read however like many books on the subject.
For a few things I did get from it that helped my life I would call it a good purchase and it deserves 4 stars.

This book saved our marriage. It's got fascinating psychology, but the best part is the exercises. Our favorite is the Couple's Dialogue (called Imago Dialogue in this edition). This exercise has never failed in helping us understand each other.

This edition is the best because the authors removed the one exercise I never liked.

I can't recommend this book highly enough! It's best if you and your partner read it and do the exercises together.

fantastic book! really gives a couple a "process" to follow to help a troubled marriage or would also be v worthwhile for a completely healthy marriage. it is based on premise that the way you were parented has much to do with way you behave in a relationship. the more i read, the truer it is. he has very specific exercises to perform that are a great help

This book is full of incredible, hard earned knowledge and insight. It completely changes your perspective on your behaviour and that of your spouse. I would recommend struggling couples to read this book FIRST, before seeking counselling!

This book is changing my life and my marriage. It's deep but easy to read. The exercises are efficient (even though I'm doing them alone). It's helping me understand the hidden expectations I have of my partner and glimpse his expectations of me.

It's a really good book, for all stages of being in a relationship.... Also the item came in great shape and in the time estimated, and the follow up of its where abouts was wonderful to.. Living in Canada, its great to shop on-line and order within the States to send to someone living there.... I'll be coming back again....