The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind

The authors used two decades of research on attachment theory to explain, in clear and simple terms, how to identify an appropriate match and how to constructively work through conflict. A compelling book.

Best book EVER! It so simply explains the reasons some of us keep repeatedly making the same mistakes in love and how to stop the vicious cycle of getting hurt by a cold, detached "avoidant". It also helps those of us that are "anxious" to cross over to a "secure" relationship. I wish I had read this jewel 30 years ago. It would have saved me a lot of heartache and turmoil.

Great insight on applying the attachment theory to romantic relationships. I can see how I am and others are secure, anxious, and avoidant in relationships. I like the exercises, examples, and tables of information to make connections to my personal life. There are obviously situations that don't fit cleanly with each category, but by taking the time to think about and implement the ideas, it has helped me see how interact with others in all types of relationships.

This is a wonderful book that delves into the theories of attachment, what they look like, and how they affect us in our relationships. Great read for anybody wanting to work on their relationships and build their own personal confidence. Very clearly written, with specific examples, and in an order that is easy to follow.

As recommended in this belief-shattering book, I am mirandizing the people who read this review right out of the gate… “The insights I received by reading this book cannot be distilled down to 20 words or less and as I am not a writer they would be unable to do this book justice.”

Although I have been a romance reader for many many years I live in the real world and know these stories have taught us all things that may not be helping us to create real honest communication and relationships.

Attached has given me a deep understanding of The importance and relevance of our attachment styles as adults attempting to relate to other human beings. This will inform every professional and personal relationship I have from this day forward.

This book, and the science that is it’s structure, was a gift...thank you.

This book does a great job of communicating attachment theory in a fresh way, and mixes in new developments in neurology and neurochemistry, but it misses a broader and crucial part of relationships: The desire and need to be free and independent within a relationship.

I suggest that all readers also explore Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch, and his concept of "Differentiation." It complements and counterbalances this book nicely.

The book is eye-opening in many ways and I learned a good deal from it. However, I personally seem to be a combination of two of his Attachment Styles and although he mentioned that as a possibility, he didn't elaborate, so I felt a little left out. Still, I have learned to accept myself and to express my needs in a more straightforward manner because of this book and it has reaped rewards! It is almost worth 5 stars, but 4 1/2 isn't an option so I only rated it as a 4.

I really enjoyed this book because it gave me so many insights into why my relationships have failed in the past. I like that the author doesn't tell people that they must heal themselves before entering a relationship as so many other authors do. I like the logic, that if being whole in an of yourself is required, then how could babies learn to love and trust given that we are not born whole. I'm tired of people trying to tell me that who I am is wrong, because what I really need is to be understood and accepted for who I am while working on who I want to become. I feel like I have gained some valuable tools that u can use and that I can be very optimistic about my future.

The authors used two decades of research on attachment theory to explain, in clear and simple terms, how to identify an appropriate match and how to constructively work through conflict. A compelling book.

Best book EVER! It so simply explains the reasons some of us keep repeatedly making the same mistakes in love and how to stop the vicious cycle of getting hurt by a cold, detached "avoidant". It also helps those of us that are "anxious" to cross over to a "secure" relationship. I wish I had read this jewel 30 years ago. It would have saved me a lot of heartache and turmoil.

Great insight on applying the attachment theory to romantic relationships. I can see how I am and others are secure, anxious, and avoidant in relationships. I like the exercises, examples, and tables of information to make connections to my personal life. There are obviously situations that don't fit cleanly with each category, but by taking the time to think about and implement the ideas, it has helped me see how interact with others in all types of relationships.

This is a wonderful book that delves into the theories of attachment, what they look like, and how they affect us in our relationships. Great read for anybody wanting to work on their relationships and build their own personal confidence. Very clearly written, with specific examples, and in an order that is easy to follow.

As recommended in this belief-shattering book, I am mirandizing the people who read this review right out of the gate… “The insights I received by reading this book cannot be distilled down to 20 words or less and as I am not a writer they would be unable to do this book justice.”

Although I have been a romance reader for many many years I live in the real world and know these stories have taught us all things that may not be helping us to create real honest communication and relationships.

Attached has given me a deep understanding of The importance and relevance of our attachment styles as adults attempting to relate to other human beings. This will inform every professional and personal relationship I have from this day forward.

This book, and the science that is it’s structure, was a gift...thank you.

The framework is simple, easy to understand and apply yet positive and powerful. We all have attachment needs no matter how confident and independent we are. It is a myth that confident self-loving capable person can be happy all alone.

Every once in a while, I read a book that totally blows me away and transfoms my life, and this is definitely one of those books. And I haven't even finished reading it yet.

I have had problems with my mother and with relationships all my life. Yes....all my life. Which is frustrating, because other than relationships, I'm highly successful in life. I've read every self-help book there is, nothing has helped. Most have made things worse. For a long time, I used "co-dependency" strategies that all the co-dependent books said to use. But those strategies only made things worse...much worse. I still wasn't happy, my relationships were miserable, and I was making my mother crazy because all she wanted to do was connect with me, and all I wanted her to do was leave me alone.

Then I found this book. And the lights went on. And the bells went off. And I discovered why my relationships were so chaotic.

And best of all...these strategies worked. They are working!

Hopefully, the authors will write more book, using applied adult attachment theory in other areas of life, as well. I can totally see how "adult attachment style theory" can also be a huge use in work relatioinships, friendships, family dynamics, and even international politics. The conflict in the middle east? Totally makes sense now. lol

Anyway, if the authors are reading this...thank you from the bottom of my heart. This book has truly changed my life. Can't wait to finish it. :)

I agree with many of the points (some seem obvious). But the narrative of the book seemed to be that the secure people are the heroes, the anxious are the victims and the avoidants are the villains. I'm obviously an avoidant and I felt like the book was making it seem like I have been making all these people's lives horrible. All the stories were told from an anxious person's perspective. Quick read and I got some insights, but I felt persecuted reading it.

I felt like I was given the language via this book to pull together and understand what I have experienced my whole life and what perplexed me my whole life. It's like when you are struggling to understand the math equation and then the instant comes when you get it. That was this book, for me.

But I'm frustrated with something. "Attached" says that I, an anxious attachment style person, am more likely to choose a partner who is an avoidant style, that when I do my attachment needs will never be fully satisfied even if both partners are willing to change to some degree as recommended in the book. "Attached" recommends I choose a secure attachment style partner to be happy. It also says that my attachment system will be activated by an avoidant, say on a first date, causing me to be drawn to him, and not activated by a secure person, who will bore me. The recommendation is to not get turned on by the avoidant attachment style person. After all the outstanding explanations and recommendations in the book, I feel it really falls short with that pithy recommendation to just not get turned on by the avoidant! Any anxious person will tell you that's near impossible!

Where's the steps for the anxious person to bypass the immediate and biologically based attachment to the avoidant?! Secures probably have the ability to make a choice in their selection of a partner to a greater degree. If I do as recommended in accepting my attachement style, am I to accept that I'm doomed to be sucked in to a series if unsatisfying relationships with avoidant people? "Attached" does have a helpful section on evaluating anxious/avoidant relationships and improving them and even on getting out of them. The shortfall is in how to make a different choice at those critical moments before getting into the relationship. "Just say no" never really worked.

When the first revision comes out, I hope it includes another chapter.

I found the relationship advice given in this book to be straight forward and easy to implement with some healthy introspection and self awareness on the reader's part. I'm not sure that I'm wholeheartedly in agreement that every person in the world fits into one of three categories - I, myself, am a mix of two - so keep in mind that not everyone fits perfectly into just one style. Having said that, I did have an "A-ha" moment while reading about how the different personality styles interact and am thankful that they've been able to break down and simplify something that has typically been very complicated.
All in all, I enjoyed this book immensely and will read it again just to make sure that I didn't miss anything.

This book rises miles above the many books that deal with fear of commitment and 'commitmentphobes' by being coherently grounded in the science of attachment. I say science and not merely theory because there are neurobiological bases to attachment styles. The authors touch only briefly on the subject, but it is the activity of hormones such as cortisol and oxytocin or processes like bodily regulation that ultimately differentiates these types.

Several reviewers have complained that the book is biased against avoidant individuals and useless when it comes to helping that segment of the population. I disagree. The book is a life saver, but only to those who can still be saved. I am talking about the anxiously attached individuals. Everyone who has had the misfortune to fall for an avoidant knows that they cannot. The avoidant style is an adaptation to a less than ideal environment and it serves well the estimated 25% of the population. They can have their cake and eat it too. Engaging or negotiating with them is futile because they have nothing to lose: they are always ready to leave the relationship when something is asked of them. You can't win.

I have learned this the hard way by realizing that for two years I have been losing sleep in an on-again, off-again relationship with an avoidant. He thinks we are just starting. Actually we started "officially" so many times that I lost count. Every single time I was dumped like clockwork after a week of bliss, the last time on Valentine's day. It was time for me to take the hint. But let me tell you that navigating the (hopefully) last breakup is very difficult and without some serious ammunition like this book I would probably succumb again to this or an equally dysfunctional relationship.

I also like how the book debunks the myth of self-sufficiency, self-love, and self-absorption that is so pervasive today still. I have never understood why I should strive to get better at being alone if I don't want to be alone! I don't want a partner who makes me feel hopelessly lonely and smugly teaches me self-reliance. I have learned self-reliance the hard way, on my own. But this book miraculously insists that you can be happy in a loving, supportive, and stable relationship, and tries to show you how.

I first saw this title and thought it would be some hokie book, but it details people down to a tee. If you are wondering why you are having trouble in a relationship this book will shed a lot of light on your problem.

This book opened my eyes to some real issues I repeatedly encounter in my relationships...now I can not only understand the "why" of it, but also the "how" of moving forward out of these behaviors! Worth the read!

I wish I read this books years ago before I spent so much time dating in NYC. A must read for every single girl. I now understand why it never worked out with any of the large number of dates I had back then. They were all avoidents.

I already knew I liked this book as I listened to the Audio book version and I had to have a hard copy. They give great tips on dealing with your own attachment style and dealing with others attachment styles and they are spot on in providing details and describing the different attachment categories. It really helps you to be more self aware and to recognize others attachment styles as well. This book has helped me so much with relationships in general. I cant say enough great things about it. Definitely a must have if this is an area that interests you.

As far as the delivery, it arrived as expected. Good packaging and the book was in good condition.

I just started reading this book and can't put it down. As a scientist at heart, this book speaks volumes to me. I can already tell that it is going to change my outlook on relationships and help me navigate these difficult waters better.

But the other main types (avoidant & secure) are explained more in support of learning about the "anxious" type, so I'd say the title is a little misleading. And, as some other folks have commented on, the authors tend to vilify the "avoidant" type and victimize the "anxious" type. (Neither view is accurate.) So while most of the recommendations/learnings in this book are based on research and are informative, there is a heavy influence of personal opinion. Just something to keep in perspective as you read.

I read this book to learn more about adult attachment types. My boyfriend is an "anxious" type and I am the dreaded "avoidant" type. I've learned a great deal about him, the root of his insecurities, and how my attachment type exacerbates them. So for that, this book is invaluable and 3 stars despite the flaws. Now on to find a book to help an "avoidant" type overcome her insecurities...

I've never posedt any review on the store before now, but now, some time after reading this along with a range of other titles on neurology and attachment I can't ignore how strongly I feel about this title. So here goes.

It's great that the link between childhood/adult attachment and relationships is more widely available, but this is the weakest attempt I've come across. It lacks a clear explanation of the underlying neurology and fails to provide helpful advice to anyone struggling to feel comfortably connected to those they hold dear. It's depressing to read the number of comments/reviews from other readers who are still left with no clear understanding of the roots of attachment patterns in the moulding of the brain due to childhood environments and who then fall back on simplistic moral conclusions.

All attachment patterns increase the chance of survival and help fit people to their circumstances. Yes they can cause difficulties in forming relationships later on, but there's little here to help anyone understand themselves or their partners, or how they can sooth difficult emotions or conflicts and make relationship more rewarding.

Far better titles I've read recently include:

Mindsight: the new science of personal transformation by Daniel J Siegal
Excellent explanation of brain plasticity and how to create new neural pathways, including those involved in relating
Attachments: why you love, feel and act the way you do by Tim Clinton & Gary Sibcy
Provides clear descriptions of the parental behaviour likely to generate the differing adult patterns and much clearer guidance on how to work these through in adulthood. I must mention that this is a Christian title, although the religious element is limited and not intrusive.
Four ways to click: rewire your brain for stronger more rewarding relationships by Amy Banks
Superb explanation of the four main neural pathways that underlie the formation of relationships and helpful advice on how to strengthen or heal any areas causing problems, endorsed by Dr Siegal. Relevant to anyone, including those with secure attachments.
Wired for Love: how understanding your partner's brain and attachment style can help you defuse conflict and build a secure relationship by Stan Tatkin
Uses the images of "waves" (anxiety) and "islands" (avoidance) to describe the dynamics of coupledom with plenty of practical examples of how to create mutual understanding and work towards a situation where both get needs met within a safe "bubble"

Reading this book was a life changing moment. For the true meaning of it, you must know I have only said it once before. And not about a book. It explained everything that went wrong with my romantic relationships in introduction. It helped me understand all my relationships. With family, friends, bosses and myself. I cannot believe I bought it by accident looking for something completely different. I almost never do that. I usually do not even buy the things I came fore, just drop them to wish list and see if I still want them a few days later. Something told me I have to read this. So everything about this book, from the moment I bought it will go down in my history book.

just wanted to say this book is amazing and so interesting...I could not put it down ...read the entire book in 1 and a half days
It gave me a new way to look at my relationship....

just want to say thanks and wow what an awesome book
(sorry so short / busy)
Love
Kristi

Bought this after a suggestion from our relationship counselor. Has a lot of truth in the way that we both react in relationships. Some of the wording can sometimes make it seem that your relationship is doomed if you're anxious & avoidant styles, but give it a chance WITH counseling. I wouldn't suggest this one on your own.

This is a must have book for any single person of any age. It tells you the right questions to ask to see if people you are dating are the right material for a long term relationship or if they are the kind who won't commit.

This book was amazing, and gave me the resources to not only understand myself better, but also those around me including my partner.  The way this book broke down the different needs people have in relationships, why they have them, and how to effectively handle those needs is absolutely incredible. I must say that this book has significantly improved my self-confidence in relationships, and helped me better understand what I want and need in relationships and how to go about getting it. I honestly can't recommend this book enough!!!  It is especially helpful to those who desire to be close to their partner but constantly feel pushed away.

This book has been truly enlightening to me. I recently went through a breakup after being together for nearly 4 years. It was the toughest thing I went through in my entire life. Throughout my relationship, I felt and experienced things I couldn't quite put into words. This book helped explain those feelings. It also helped me "get over" the breakup, by seeing that my attachment style and my ex's were not compatible. It's a shame because I feel like we could have made things work (which is a common trait of my attachment style), while she didn't. Anyhow, I would recommend this book for anyone who is unaware of attachment theory. Learning even the basics of it can help you so much in what to look out for in relationships.

Wow. What a difference this has made to me. By employing the strategies I have been able to communicate more effectively. Seems so obvious. But we are pretty oblivious to our attachment systems. Thank you to the authors
I will be recommending this.

Recently turned onto attachment theory, found this as a perfect primer. Well organized from beginning to end, identifying where you (and your partner) falls, dynamics in relationships, and how to better understand/communicate with your attachment styles in mind. Certainly doesn't have all the answers to life/relationships, but is a great framework to better understand yourself and others.

For years, I have blamed my instincts and behavior in relationships, and dealt with incredible frustration when things didn't work out. This book opened my eyes to my attachment style, my needs and most importantly, the root of my feelings. The use of realistic examples, the inclusion of diagnostic quizes and the utterly nonjudgemental language made the book even better and more approachable. A must-read for singles and couples alike.

This book profoundly explains the importance of secure attachments and the role intimacy truly plays in a relationship. Now I understand why my marriage didn't work. I also learned how to identify a partner with similar intimacy needs and how to communicate in a secure way.

Bought this after a suggestion from our relationship counselor. Has a lot of truth in the way that we both react in relationships. Some of the wording can sometimes make it seem that your relationship is doomed if you're anxious & avoidant styles, but give it a chance WITH counseling. I wouldn't suggest this one on your own.

This is a must have book for any single person of any age. It tells you the right questions to ask to see if people you are dating are the right material for a long term relationship or if they are the kind who won't commit.

This book was amazing, and gave me the resources to not only understand myself better, but also those around me including my partner.  The way this book broke down the different needs people have in relationships, why they have them, and how to effectively handle those needs is absolutely incredible. I must say that this book has significantly improved my self-confidence in relationships, and helped me better understand what I want and need in relationships and how to go about getting it. I honestly can't recommend this book enough!!!  It is especially helpful to those who desire to be close to their partner but constantly feel pushed away.

This book has been truly enlightening to me. I recently went through a breakup after being together for nearly 4 years. It was the toughest thing I went through in my entire life. Throughout my relationship, I felt and experienced things I couldn't quite put into words. This book helped explain those feelings. It also helped me "get over" the breakup, by seeing that my attachment style and my ex's were not compatible. It's a shame because I feel like we could have made things work (which is a common trait of my attachment style), while she didn't. Anyhow, I would recommend this book for anyone who is unaware of attachment theory. Learning even the basics of it can help you so much in what to look out for in relationships.

Wow. What a difference this has made to me. By employing the strategies I have been able to communicate more effectively. Seems so obvious. But we are pretty oblivious to our attachment systems. Thank you to the authors
I will be recommending this.

Recently turned onto attachment theory, found this as a perfect primer. Well organized from beginning to end, identifying where you (and your partner) falls, dynamics in relationships, and how to better understand/communicate with your attachment styles in mind. Certainly doesn't have all the answers to life/relationships, but is a great framework to better understand yourself and others.

I purchased the book after listening to the author's speak for about an hour. The book is excellent for all type of relationships. It is a good book to keep for young people to peruse through, too.
I fully appreciated the prompt, efficient service in getting the purchase to me. I would fully recommend the book and the seller and shipper of the order.

I didn't know what was going on till a counselor put this book in my hand. I did a complete brain shift within 48 hours and have never looked back. Four months later it would be hard to call me the same person given the practical and substantial changes I made to my own behavior based on this book. Have already recommended it to 3 others.

I found much of this book extremely helpful. The material that describes the different forms of attachment is very helpful! I also found some of it extremely biased. The book seems to put anxiously attached people on a pedestal and dismiss all of the weird co-dependant behavior as something that is normal and totally acceptable because that is their genetic makeup. I find this extremely biased and not helpful. They also make avoidant people the devil. The book intimates that all of the manipulative and inappropriate behavior that anxious people do is because of someone else. They are not responsible for the harm it does. In fact, it is clear that the reason they do these things is because of the person they are manipulative and inappropriate toward... the evil avoidant. It's their fault anxious people mistreat them so they deserve it and should like it and be affirming and appreciate it as natural and genetic. This book would be much better if the authors were to take a hard look at the idea that everyone is responsible for their bad behavior. Scapegoating avoidants and making them the bad guy just promotes co-dependant and negative control in people. What if everyone is just human and responsible for themselves and their behavior and its not about one third of the population ruining it for everyone else?

Probably more useful for someone who is dating, and has a choice for what kind of attachment type they should be seeking. I didn't find it particularly useful already being married...except that it wasn't very encouraging for those of us married to the "wrong" type based upon what type the reader may be.

This book literally changed the game for my husband and I. We read it when we were engaged and refer to the things we learned from it constantly. Honestly I tell everyone I meet that they need to learn about attachment theory, and this book does an amazing job of explaining why.

My wife and I have been married for 4 years now and it is a constant battle. I am the anxious one and she is the avoidant one. The information in this book put all of my struggles in my current relationship and my past relationships into a framework that fit perfectly with experience. I wish I had this 4 years ago because I would not be in the predicament I am now. I would have had the tools to avoid the anxious-avoidant trap I find myself in.

The authors provide specific examples and exercises to more fully understand yourself as well as the person you are engaging with in a dating ( or marriage) scenario. Insightful, pragmatic and practical.

Great book. Came highly recommended by a neuropsychologist and psychologist friend. Really helped me understand attachment styles and how to work with them. It gets a little tedious with the multiple examples, almost coming off as filler content but I would recommend it regardless.

A remarkable perspective of yourself and your interaction with those you love. Knowing your attachment type simplifies what is often portrayed as requiring lengthy psychoanalysis, labels, diagnoses, etc. Such a simple, positive, respectful and hopeful understanding of our relationships.

The author is pedantic...he never fails to remind the reader of how bright and accomplished he is. However, the information presented in the text is interesting, and gives new information about attachment theory.

This is a very helpful analysis of relationship dynamics! Great that each type of attachment is framed in positive terms. I can recognize all of these behaviors in myself at various stages of life relationships and in response to others. Very helpful!

After reading that there are only three types of attachment styles in adults and that most people are the "secure" type, I lost interest. I find that premise overly simplistic and uninteresting. A friend who is a psychologist recommended the book as a great read, but I disagree with her recommendation. Personally, what I find works in a relationship is open communication, trust and honesty. I regret haven bought this book.

I am a Clinical Social Worker and this is the most insightful, easy-to-read book on self-help in relationships that I've come across. It goes hand-in-hand with Myers Briggs and the Enneagram to help with self-understanding. Not only does it help you identify your relating style and that of your partner, it provides practical 'how-to' steps in becoming an effective communicator, no matter what your style. Insightful and compassionate; I highly recommend it. I only wish it had been written sooner!

In this book there were plenty of examples and perspectives to apply to my own experiences, and it has helped me to recognize the unhelpful patterns I have always unknowingly fallen into in my past relationships.

On top of that, the authors have shown me new ideas and practical things I can do to improve my relationships going forward. Thank you!

Fantastic book.....never read a book written in such simple language with such a practical application to my day-to-day quality of life. It completely changed my focus on what to look for in a realtionship and how to go about finding it. A must for anyone dealing with attachment issues and/or insearch of a relationship or wanting to solve problems in an existing relationship.

I purchased the book after listening to the author's speak for about an hour. The book is excellent for all type of relationships. It is a good book to keep for young people to peruse through, too.
I fully appreciated the prompt, efficient service in getting the purchase to me. I would fully recommend the book and the seller and shipper of the order.

I didn't know what was going on till a counselor put this book in my hand. I did a complete brain shift within 48 hours and have never looked back. Four months later it would be hard to call me the same person given the practical and substantial changes I made to my own behavior based on this book. Have already recommended it to 3 others.

I found much of this book extremely helpful. The material that describes the different forms of attachment is very helpful! I also found some of it extremely biased. The book seems to put anxiously attached people on a pedestal and dismiss all of the weird co-dependant behavior as something that is normal and totally acceptable because that is their genetic makeup. I find this extremely biased and not helpful. They also make avoidant people the devil. The book intimates that all of the manipulative and inappropriate behavior that anxious people do is because of someone else. They are not responsible for the harm it does. In fact, it is clear that the reason they do these things is because of the person they are manipulative and inappropriate toward... the evil avoidant. It's their fault anxious people mistreat them so they deserve it and should like it and be affirming and appreciate it as natural and genetic. This book would be much better if the authors were to take a hard look at the idea that everyone is responsible for their bad behavior. Scapegoating avoidants and making them the bad guy just promotes co-dependant and negative control in people. What if everyone is just human and responsible for themselves and their behavior and its not about one third of the population ruining it for everyone else?

Probably more useful for someone who is dating, and has a choice for what kind of attachment type they should be seeking. I didn't find it particularly useful already being married...except that it wasn't very encouraging for those of us married to the "wrong" type based upon what type the reader may be.

This book literally changed the game for my husband and I. We read it when we were engaged and refer to the things we learned from it constantly. Honestly I tell everyone I meet that they need to learn about attachment theory, and this book does an amazing job of explaining why.

My wife and I have been married for 4 years now and it is a constant battle. I am the anxious one and she is the avoidant one. The information in this book put all of my struggles in my current relationship and my past relationships into a framework that fit perfectly with experience. I wish I had this 4 years ago because I would not be in the predicament I am now. I would have had the tools to avoid the anxious-avoidant trap I find myself in.

The authors provide specific examples and exercises to more fully understand yourself as well as the person you are engaging with in a dating ( or marriage) scenario. Insightful, pragmatic and practical.

Great book. Came highly recommended by a neuropsychologist and psychologist friend. Really helped me understand attachment styles and how to work with them. It gets a little tedious with the multiple examples, almost coming off as filler content but I would recommend it regardless.

A remarkable perspective of yourself and your interaction with those you love. Knowing your attachment type simplifies what is often portrayed as requiring lengthy psychoanalysis, labels, diagnoses, etc. Such a simple, positive, respectful and hopeful understanding of our relationships.

This book truly helped me to feel in peace with myself realizing that many of my secure responses were correct but it greatly helped me understand how my insecure reactions have created so much damage in my relationships. Thank you for writing tthis book. From the bottom of my heart.

This is a great book. I recommend it to anybody who wants to understand their personal attachment style as well as those either they are currently with or are dating. I have more compassion for myself and others after gaining an understanding of my style.

This is a Great book. It explains adult attachment in a straightforward, easy to understand way. It really helped me to understand and reconcile my past relationships and gives me confidence in my current and future relationships.

The book explains Attachment Theory with so much ease I thought it was written specifically for me. I highly recommend the book if you are ready to understand why you respond the way you do in relationships.

This is a great read for any adult trying to understand relationships and why what they have been doing in a relationship just isn't working. With awareness of the three different forms of Attachments, and a willingness to face these behaviors in one's self and partners you are attracted to, the results can be different and rewarding.

This book truly helped me to feel in peace with myself realizing that many of my secure responses were correct but it greatly helped me understand how my insecure reactions have created so much damage in my relationships. Thank you for writing tthis book. From the bottom of my heart.

This is a great book. I recommend it to anybody who wants to understand their personal attachment style as well as those either they are currently with or are dating. I have more compassion for myself and others after gaining an understanding of my style.

This is a Great book. It explains adult attachment in a straightforward, easy to understand way. It really helped me to understand and reconcile my past relationships and gives me confidence in my current and future relationships.

The book explains Attachment Theory with so much ease I thought it was written specifically for me. I highly recommend the book if you are ready to understand why you respond the way you do in relationships.

the book was enlightening as to my style of attachment and who I attract and then why it does not work.....and why it has worked!! so yes. an easy read and very informative if you are dating ..... married.....self awareness increases your personal power!

Excellent book that discusses why we act the way we do in relationships. It makes so much sense. I highly recommend this book, especially if you think something just is not right in your relationship.

The parts at the beginning of the book about how it's okay to desire intimacy are REALLY USEFUL AND TRUE. The entire book is overly simplistic, but as an anxious-attachment gal, some of the affirmation was really nice; confirmed my sense that I'm not crazy. BUT. The "paul" example on page 70 made me write this not-optimal review immediately. The thing is, it's o.k. to want to get out of a relationship if you get to know someone and realize you're not that into them. My ex actually recommended this book to me and told me he realizes now that I'm avoidant and he's anxious attachment. The reason I went into it with him in the first place though was because I recognized how secure his style had been relative to all my past avoidant guys. Going into it at first I made no assumptions about how long we would last. As I got to know him better though, I realized *that I just wasn't that into him*. So, after a few months of trying to be open and hoping that I actually *could* be into him and finally be in a relationship like I've always wanted to, I broke up with him. *This is healthy behavior*. It is NOT healthy to try to stay with someone you don't have feelings for just for the sake of being in a relationship. Maybe "Paul" in the author's example really is avoidant in other ways, but the example alone could go either way and I think it's extremely irresponsible for the authors to be implying that, even if you stop having feelings for someone, you should try to make something work just for the sake of having a relationship. Authors, if you're reading this, I think you need to include that as a disclaimer. It's very much up to the reader to decide on their values about this, but I fear that my ex will get himself into an abusive situation with someone because he doesn't want to hear that sometimes people just stop being into you and you need to move on.

Wow this book is life changing! It helped me to see the pattern I fall into in every relationship. I can't wait to try using the guide for finding a secure partner, finally, so I can have my happy ending

Overall I like this book. It does a nice job of synthesizing the existing research out there on adult attachment types and providing clear examples of what some of the behaviors look like (which is often missing from the research papers).
However, it seems to me that they were a bit too forgiving on the Anxious attachment type. From what I have read in other papers, the Anxious type's need for frequent affirmation and higher than average amounts of demonstrated intimacy could be as stressful to a relationship as is the Avoidants higher than average need to create distance and emotional barriers. Unfortunately, Levine and Heller appear to treat the Anxious' need for significant demonstrated intimacy as appropriate (a biological imperative even) and focus almost exculsively on the "protest behaviors" - instead of these root behaviors - as things that need to be monitored. [see chapter 5] They assert that these core needs for high levels of intimacy and affirmation can be met, if the Anxious type finds a Secure type. I would imagine that even a Secure attachment type might find these 'insecure' expectationsas taxing and may not be able to respond with as much intimacy as the Anxious type requires.
For the Anxious attachment type, I would encourage reading more of the Adult Attachment literature, rather than relying wholly on 'Attached.' as sufficient for understanding the challenges of this type in relationships.

The substantive portion of this book is wonderful. The first third of this book had me planning to refer this to many people but I'd hate to force them to get through all of the filler... not the good kind either. Very cartoon like, 2D. We could have really benefited from an unbias characterization of the "avoidant" as the author clearly has judgement against them. Don't feel guilty if you stop after the informational portion of this book as you it's mostly throwaway.

Lovely insight at beginning though!

This is an excellent book for those dating and looking for love and those already in a relationship that is not working and they wonder why not. The authors do a great job explaining attachment theory not only from a scientific perspective but also from a real world perspective with examples.

People basically have one of three attachment styles:

Anxious people are often preoccupied with their relationships and tend to worry about their partner's ability to love them back.

Avoidant people equate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimize closeness.

Secure people feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving.

The book is about the frustration people feel in relationships when these types cross. The more an anxious person wants to be close to an avoidant person the more the avoidant withdraws fearful of losing their independence. Most anxious people function fine in all other areas of life then discover they are very anxious in relationships to their dismay. Anxious types many times confuse the feelings of being anxious with excitement toward a potential partner that is avoidant and miss out on secure people that they feel are boring. Secure people tend to soothe and help anxious types, while avoidants trigger anxious people and lead to hopeless pursuits and wasted time. Two avoidants can rarely be together in a relationship because no one holds it together they just drift apart.

Through open and honest communication in relationships you should be able to identify if a possible partner is some one who can meet your needs. The book teaches that you always benefit from honest communication because it moves you toward your goal of the right relationship regardless of the outcome. Do not get stuck in a dead end relationship, get out if your needs are not met. "It's a simple law of probability-the more you meet, the greater chances you'll find the one who is a good match for you.

"In a true partnership, both partners view it as their responsibility to ensure the other's emotional well-being." Never forget that.

This book is the result of two decades of research, the principles presented can help you to find happiness in your romantic connections and to soar in all aspects of your life.

Excellent book, I highly recommend for those who want happy relationships.

Do not buy this book if you are someone you may be attracted to is from a culture outside the European mainstream. Cultural factors are ignored. The authors stretch an age-old theory of attachment between infant and mother and try to male it fit for adults. Buy the book used. Not a keeper.

How refreshing, but yet disturbing, it was to see my behavior- my attachment style-in black and white. So, I'm not crazy and my needs are legitimate and I shouldn't be ashamed of them - it's how I feel. Unfortunately, I have a relationship with the worst attachment style for me! But this book has helped me understand so much more about that attachment type and has helped me understand that not all of the issues were mine or that I wasn't good enough. Now I can be very aware of these styles as I move forward and try to find true love❤️

I do feel that this book is helpful for those who are in the dating world and to ease their woes. However, I feel like this book caters to individuals and their attachment style and does not provide much leeway into why they are they way are, but look for someone that won't set off your triggers (which doesn't always work, especially anxious attachment style who tend to always feel anxious despite feeling secure). Anxious attachment style derives from individuals who have some form of trauma of abandonment and if you're into new age and enlightenment, are extremely overwhelmed with what their ego (fear) is telling them. Anxious attached individuals would benefit from identifying this and not seeking relationships that make them feel comfortable and won't trigger them. You're not resolving the issue and it will go into all your relationships, which isn't fun.

I am reading this book at the recommendation of a friend, as a person who has been diagnosed with attachment disorder in my distant past. My first critique is that a book based on the supposed science of human attachment, but which only focuses its studies on Western-European populace, is severely lacking in perspective. This seems to be yet another rehashing of Westernized psychology attempting to organize and address psychological problems that it itself has contributed in culturally creating. This is further exampled in the books focus on anxious attachment, and the language it uses regarding that attachment type. This is a book for anxious white people, not a scientific meditation on human attachment. If I could return the Kindle version, I would.

This book was a disappointment. It broadly refers to 3 attachment styles for adults: secure, anxious,and avoidant. However, after briefly researching attachment theory, I noticed that these three categories refer to attachment styles in infants/children and not adults. Instead, there are 4 attachment styles for adults: secure, anxious-preoccupied, avoidant-fearful, and avoidant-dissmissive. The test that I took in the book indicated that I was a mix between anxious and avoidant. I think this would make me fearful-, or alternatively,anxious-avoidant, which is barely mentioned in the book.

The fearful-avoidant attachment style is basically glossed over. This is a gross oversight. This book made me feel pretty crappy. Then I discovered Dan Siegel's work on Mindsight and found this infinitely more informative and helpful. I was left with the impression that this book was mainly written for women who have dated guys that were uncaring, cold-hearted, deceptive. Nothing wrong with that except I think this could have been explained upfront. I regret buying this book.

Too formulaic. Does not give enough credence to interaction between partners. Our attachment style is not enacted in a vacuum but is a dance with our partner. One partner's actions can create an equal and opposite reaction. Wish that had been addressed more.

Everything I've read on attachment theory includes a fourth style: fearful (aka anxious-avoidant). It is not merely a combination of the anxious and avoidant styles, although even if it were this book makes those two styles sound dichotomous. Ignoring this fourth style makes me question the validity of the whole book. On a personal note, the book was not useful to me because of this glaring omission.

Good for those who don't know about attachment theory already. I felt like it was a rehash of what I already knew from reading articles online.

I would recommend attachments by Dr. Tim Clinton. I like that it offers a story on a mom and how her attachment style relates to the way she parents. I also like how this book offers more of a Christian perspective.

In this book they try to extrapolate the highly validated attachment research on parent-child relationships to adult romantic relationships.

I think this works well for single people trying to make a good choice of partner but is reckless and irresponsible when applied to people who are already married. For single people, who ideally have not already fallen in love with someone, I would say this book is invaluable. When you are dating, it is so hard to discern, of all the foibles and flaws that your date has, which you'll be able to live with and which will be the eventual doom of your relationship. So their speculative endeavor is appropriate for decisions like, should you go on to the second date or not.

On the other hand, it is not well grounded enough to make life altering decisions like should you break up your family and get a divorce. The authors primarily base their ideas off of dating workshops they run. They divide all of humanity into 3 categories. Woe to you if you married someone in the avoidant category. They lump everyone with an avoidant attachment as uniformly hopeless. First off, is that true? Of course not every avoidant is equally avoidant and some situations may be more repairable than others. They fairly directly advise you that you should leave a relationship with an avoidant if you ever want to be happy. Never mind the fact that the authors are not seasoned couples therapists and don't have extensive experience trying to save marriages. Never mind that they have no research data to support their dire pronouncements. Never mind that actually truly effective evidenced based therapy does exist to heal the very relationships that they are advising you to give up on. Never mind the fact that they actually say in the book that they don't know much about avoidant attachment types (presumably because these types don't attend their dating workshops) and their description of this type is almost a caricature. They have the nerve to say that one of the signs that your partner is avoidant is if his behavior was more romantic during courtship and then the romance fades after marriage. Probably 75% of the US population would decide to send their spouses packing.

This is not a balanced presentation at all. People in the secure and anxious categories can be in relationship and people in the avoidant category ate misfits that you should just avoid. If your marriage is troubled this book allows you to feel smug and righteous. You can decide that your partner is avoidant and you now have "scientific" proof that your troubles are all your partner's fault, and you should just divorce them and make a more informed choice next time. Many people in troubled marriage already harbor these kinds of thoughts and to get "scientific" proof that it is all your partner's fault is insidious and destructive. I think it is horribly irresponsible for them to make these hopeless statements when, in fact, true help does exist.

This book is not the fruit of wise, seasoned professionals. Instead it is a fairly immature, simplistic almost gossipy presentation on love. If you are having trouble in your marriage please read "Hold Me Tight" and avoid this book. This book contains a lot of unfounded, ideas that will leave you hopeless when there may still be hope.

This is a short book that introduces, in an oversimplified way, three attachment styles. It contains good information how to gauge your own style and the styles of others; this information has been borrowed from questionnaires that are freely available online. The material that is presented is not any more complex than what you can find in any Intro to Psych or Personality Psych textbook. Despite that the authors claim that attachment is plastic and people change styles, their advice for dating and relationships assumes that people have fixed styles. This was quite puzzling to me. Also puzzling was the warm tone of the authors toward people with anxious attachment, and their cold, dismissing tone toward people with avoidant attachment. Much of the book's advice boils down to "avoid avoidant people" and "shower the anxious people with love." This came across as biased and offensive toward 25% of the population; it also misrepresents the kinds of problems anxious people can experience (and create) in relationships. Perhaps the authors assumed that mostly anxious people will be buying a book on relationship advice, so they thought they would peddle to them with their tone...

This book discusses different attachment styles people show. The book has a questionnaire so you can figure out your type, as well as another to find your partner's type (though the questionnaire is kind of an overkill, since it becomes immediately obvious from reading the description what you are. It still has some nice questions that make you "aha, so THAT is why I do this").
The book proceeds to discuss what it is like to have each of those attachment styles and advices. It also has chapters devoted to certain common patterns (e.g. avoidant - anxious).

The book is good to read. I have two takes though:
1. The book seems to be geared a lot towards anxious-attachment style people. The book has a lot of sympathetic language towards them. It also contains lots of negative statements towards avoidant-attachment people.
Since my own attachment style is avoidant, i expected a more unbiased and professional discussion. You can tell at least one of the authors suffered from being in a relationship with an avoidant person. It is odd to come to a book seeking advice on something only to find lots of negative language towards who you are. Imagine going to a therapist that will keep telling you how much of a horrible person you are. You get the idea!

2. The material in the book is really stretched. There are a few good ideas, but the authors keep dragging them over and over, giving a story after a story that doesn't add anything new. It is just a way to fill more space I guess. I'd prefer a more concise and smaller book.

My only regret is that I didn't have this information a decade ago. The section on why some avoidant types withhold sex in relationships was unbelievably helpful, as I am leaving a 12 year relationship with an avoidant who claimed to enjoy sex but who withheld it constantly without being able to really explain why. Literally every baffling thing that has happened in my entire marriage is explained in this book. I just hate that I finally read it after the relationship ended. Having this perspective might've helped me cope when I was dealing with the pitfalls of navigating a relationship with an avoidant.
I see a lot of avoidants giving the book bad reviews. There's a reason for that too.

I think the authors of this book are both needy, anxious attachers, and they have been burned by avoidant attachers, so they wrote this book to make themselves feel better and to try to hurt the avoidant ones who are no longer in their lives. Of course since they are no longer in their lives they will never even know that their former partners wrote this book in an effort to hurt them, so it won't serve that purpose. it will help those of us who are interested in the subject though. recommended to a point.

In this book, Amir Levine and Rachel S.F. Heller provide a condensed look at the field of attachment theory and how it correlates to adult romantic relationships. According to the authors, adult attachment theory separates individuals into three main attachment types: secure, anxious, and avoidant. Each perceive and respond to intimacy in different ways. After providing exercises and quizzes to identify which attachment type you align with, the authors present various communication strategies and insight for those hoping to build stronger romantic relationships with their attachment preferences in mind.

The strongest advice goes to the anxious attachment types, who receive a clear message to own up to what they want in a relationship. Don’t play games, and don’t worry about coming on too strong. If a partner reacts poorly, it should not be indicative of the anxious person’s self-worth. The authors briefly mention that if anxious individuals "just wait a little longer before reacting and jumping to conclusions, [they] will have an uncanny ability to decipher the world around [them] and use it to [their] advantage". Anxious individuals often possess unique empathic abilities, and I would have liked to see this examined more closely.

The weakest advice went to the avoidant personality types, who really didn’t get much of anything. Quite frankly, a large percentage of the avoidant attachment types depicted in this book were narcissistic schmucks, but I know plenty of avoidants who are sweet, compassionate people simply lacking the know-how to connect intimately in their romantic relationships and platonic friendships. Helpful resources for this attachment type are sorely needed.

As for the secure attachment type, Levine and Heller put these individuals on a pedestal for most of the book, praising how they are naturally comfortable with intimacy and closeness. Most of this accolade is well-deserved, and the secure attachment type is one to be greatly appreciated in our everyday lives. This does not, however, guarantee that they are gurus of relationship perfection, and I appreciated the observation added toward the last few pages: if an anxious individual is detail-oriented in keeping house and her secure husband is not, "this doesn't mean [she] should have to take the entire burden on herself".

Attached also challenges the modern notion that entering into an exclusive and/or long-term partnership somehow strips you of your strength and individuality. The authors present the “dependency paradox”, which states that as people become more dependent on each other, they also become more independent and daring as individuals. Their partner becomes their “secure base”, providing an encouraging launch pad for adventure and self-discovery because of “the knowledge that you are backed by someone who is supportive and whom you can rely on with 100 percent certainty".

The authors conducted a multitude of interviews with real-life couples who've experienced both relationship turmoil and wedded bliss, but a more well-rounded look at the attachment types is certainly needed. Further representation is also needed for members of the LGBTQ community. Only one set of interviewees stood out to me as a clear example of a non-heterosexual relationship, and the examples provided would have benefited from added diversity.

Attached raises several other questions that remain to be answered. Are those with mental illnesses excluded from this narrative? It seems likely that individuals managing depression, anxiety, communication/social disorders, or personality disorders of any cluster would find themselves in the anxious or avoidant attachment realms, even if they are thriving in therapy and/or treatment. The book mentions the disproportionate number of avoidants in the dating pool but fails to mention what percentage of individuals in the dating pool may be struggling with mental illness beyond their control. The connection between attachment behavior in children and how those children’s adult attachment types develop is also fascinating. Levine and Heller admit that attempts to correlate parenting strategies with romantic attachment styles have been inconclusive, but I was disappointed this wasn't explored further.

Adult attachment theory is one of many approaches to facilitating strong personal relationships, but can it hold its own? Can this focus on attachment styles be the be-all and end-all of relationship philosophies, or should it be combined with something like Gary Chapman's The 5 Love Languages? As the authors of Attached mention, "there is a major difference between couples who are dealing with non-attachment-related issues and those who are engaged in intimacy struggles", but there is little context in the book for determining which issues are which.

This book was very thought-provoking and caused me to rethink my entire attitude on relationships. As far as self-help books go, it was largely well-organized and not excessively repetitive. Nearly every chapter contained valuable insights and spurred me to further conclusions. Despite the book's reasonable length, it took me two weeks to complete because I read each chapter several times and stopped to chronicle my own reflections.

Normally, I'd give a book matching that description five stars. I could not, however, because a non-trivial fraction of the thoughts that it provoked were dedicated to figuring out why I thought the book had missed the mark on the avoidant attachment style, and lamenting the lost opportunity for the authors to have written a more helpful work had they had gotten it right. Other reviewers have mentioned being similarly disappointed by this material, but none spelled out their criticism in detailed terms. I'll return to that later; next, I shall outline the contents of the book.

The introduction (the first two chapters) introduces the basic concepts of attachment theory and builds a skeletal description of the three attachment styles (secure, avoidant, and anxious). The authors cite published research to make a case for the human "attachment system" being a real, innate part of the human psyche, the existence of which has helped the species survive in evolutionary terms.

Part one of the book, chapters 3 and 4, flesh out the skeleton of attachment theory given just prior. The authors provide many examples and case studies in the romantic lives of individuals with the various styles of attachment. Also provided are a self-test to assess one's own attachment style, and a set of guidelines and characteristics to look for in assessing other people. I felt like there was a bit too much redundancy in these first four chapters -- rather than gradually fleshing out the same topic and mentioning the same information repeatedly, perhaps it could have been re-worked. That's a minor complaint, though; perhaps repetition benefits casual readers.

The second part of the book then takes a magnifying glass to each of the attachment styles. Chapter 5, on anxious attachment, really shines in terms of the clarity of the presentation, the systematic breakdown of anxious attachment issues as they play out in real life, and as for the advice given to anxious types. Chapter 6, on avoidant attachment, left me dismayed and disappointed for reasons I will explain after I finish outlining the contents. Chapter 7, on secure attachment, was also fairly weak, with roughly a third of the chapter being devoted to a resolution-free discussion about the "nature vs. nurture" side of attachment and a rehash of the dating advice given in the prior two chapters.

The third part of the book, on conflict dynamics in anxious/avoidant couplings, is excellent. Chapter 8 opens with a series of vignettes about relationship conflicts that anyone who has been in an anxious/avoidant relationship will readily recognize, and continues with an attachment-theoretic discussion about these issues. Chapter 9 continues with a helpful, systematic, journal-based approach to understanding one's own relationship issues and working out relationship problems as they occur. It concludes on a somber tone, telling the reader that while it is technically possible to salvage a relationship with fundamental attachment incompatibilities, it will involve the anxious partner being unfulfilled. This provides a perfect segue point for chapter 10, about breaking up. Half of the chapter is a cautionary tale about a relationship gone wrong; the other half mines it for insight, and finishes with a list of strategies for approaching a breakup geared towards the attachment prism. The section on sex in anxious/avoidant relationships was insightful, though in my opinion, it would have been better-placed in chapter 8.

The fourth and final part of the book is about effective communication and conflict resolution. Given that many books have a chapter or two on communication, I expected a re-hash of the same advice, but I was pleasantly surprised. Attached's treatment manages to be uniquely relevant by focusing on romantic relationships, grounding communication patterns in attachment theory, providing advice for each attachment style, giving useful examples of cross-style communication, and illustrating how communication borne of attachment issues differs from effective communication. Chapter 11, on effective communication, discusses the deficiencies inherent to both insecure attachment styles, counterproductive tendencies rooted in attachment theory for each, and how to approach and navigate conversations between differently-styled individuals. Chapter 12, on conflict resolution, similarly spells out the principles one should respect during conflict, why insecurely-attached people don't, and what goes wrong when the principles aren't reflected. Both chapters have plenty of illustrative case-studies, as well as rubrics to use in planning for a difficult conversations, and examples of applying the rubrics to real-life situations.

I came away from the book much more enlightened on relationships. Attachment theory explains, in what appears at first glance a smooth and elegant framework, many of my own tendencies and the issues that have plagued my adult relationships. I'm embarrassed to say that, in retrospect, I did not even have a comprehensive understanding of my responsibilities to my romantic partners, nor an understanding of why my behavior was detrimental to my relationships. The material on communication and conflict resolution was also surprisingly informative, such that I wish I had been taught this information in high school. My eyes are now open, and I am resolved not to repeat the mistakes of the past.

However, a second and deeper glance at the book's presentation revealed some rough spots in its explanatory power. A few caveats before I justify my critique of the book's treatment of avoidants as being sub-optimal. First, I am not a psychologist and this book was my first in-depth exposure to attachment theory. Therefore, I don't know if I am critiquing attachment theory itself, or whether the authors' presentation in this book is divergent from the psychological literature. Secondly, I identify with both avoidant and anxious characteristics (moreso the former), so perhaps I fall into the 5% of the population who (according to the authors) are not well-characterized by the theory, such that my own avoidant tendencies are different from those who are purely avoidant, and that maybe true avoidants are perfectly described by this book.

From what I gather, the nature of attachment styles as to how they are affected by evolution, genetics, the environment, and the individual's experiences is an open scientific question. Thus, I can hardly fault the authors for not resolving the issue before writing Attached. However, I feel like the lack of coherence on this issue manifests itself throughout the book as a fundamental misreading of the avoidant type, which results in a shallow analysis, non-constructive advice, and lost opportunities for providing beneficial counsel.

At times the authors play up the evolutionary aspect of attachment, but more frequently they describe avoidance as a mindset -- conscious, blatant decisions and attitudes towards intimate relationships. The authors open the chapter on avoidants by noting our cultural fascination for self-made, rugged travelers. This is followed by a parable from a popular book about an individual who goes into the wilderness alone and dies of exposure, whose final lesson was that happiness is only real if it's shared. Then we're told that avoidants "idealize a life of self-sufficiency and look down on dependency". These glass-half-empty commitment-phobes have a "generally dismissive attitude toward connectedness", "rarely search inside themselves for the reason for their dissatisfaction", "seemingly despise others for being needy", and view their partner's emotional well-being as "not [their] task". If the vignettes on avoidants cited burning ants with a magnifying glass as being amongst their hobbies, you'd believe the authors, since it would mesh perfectly with their generally wretched descriptions of avoidants. Mixed in with better advice, avoidants are told to "de-emphasize self-reliance and focus on mutual support" -- which is like saying that the cure for world hunger is everyone having enough to eat. Though true, the advice is useless due to non-constructivity.

If you are the empathetic type, perhaps while reading the vignettes of avoidant individuals, you might ask yourself how those individuals came to be that way: maybe you linger on the rare and scattered, but revealing, background details for avoidant characters. Or, if you've read books on anxiety, perhaps you remember that "avoidance" is a coping strategy for repressing anxiety and ponder whether "avoidant attachment" is itself an anxious response, and then contemplate what avoidants might be anxious about. Another alternative avenue for analysis might be asking yourself how secure attachment types wound up with the traits that anxious and avoidant types did not. For yet another analysis lead, many popular works on psychology discuss the infant and childhood genesis of maladaptive thought and behavior patterns; why does this book give them print space only amounting to a few paragraphs?

Following any of all of the avenues just mentioned, or others, could lead you to a plethora of theories as for how avoidance is cultivated. Maybe avoidants have internalized messages from their parents' relationship? Perhaps they are re-playing bad patterns they learned in childhood? Maybe they never had secure models from which to learn? Perhaps a lifetime of criticism has led them to be fundamentally insecure about themselves and uncomfortable opening up, as well as predisposing them to be critical of others. Maybe living in a household wherein conflicts were never resolved, and certain topics unable to be broached, deprived non-secure types of sufficient practice to communicate openly without being defensive. Maybe living in a major city or moving frequently freed them from the task of resolving interpersonal issues, since they could just move on to a new group of people instead, and so they never developed those skills. In sum, you might wonder things like: what if avoidants do not consciously despise intimacy and ridicule the weakness of others for desiring it -- but rather, that avoidant attachment arises as a maladaptive coping mechanism from dysfunctional relationship experiences, in people who lacked healthy role models? What if avoidants really do desire attachment but are too uncomfortable with themselves, and too inexperienced with healthy relationships, to achieve it?

Though the authors trickle out a background detail or two, and sneak half of an insight along the previous lines here-and-there into their presentation, they never attempt to treat the causes of avoidance in any systematic way. Their big picture of avoidants is as misanthropists, and they make no attempt to humanize or contextualize avoidant behavior. Had the authors attempted to postulate any theory of avoidance beyond a deliberate choice or an innate byproduct of evolution, they might have wound up writing a brilliant and helpful soul-searching guide for avoidants to understand what is hindering their connections. Instead, they opted for a lazy straw-man characterization of avoidance that is simplistic to the point of being patronizing and largely bereft of insights that might actually help them to understand themselves and to change.

My lengthy criticism notwithstanding, the book was highly thought-provoking and educational, and left me with profound and elegant tools for understanding relationships -- mine, my family's, my friends', random people -- and navigating them. I recommend it to anyone not already versed in attachment theory who is wondering why they keep having the same issues in relationships. However, I am still searching for a more useful treatment of avoidance. My next read shall be Dan Siegel's Mindsight. Hopefully, the other readers who said it had more useful insight will prove to be correct. After that, I will resume the writing exercises in Leaving Loneliness.

i really feel that this theory is not explained well. Attachment theory focuses on childhood relationships leading how you handle adult relationships but doesn't explore how other factors in relationships affect attachments. No "out of the box" thinking here at all.

After another baffling two months with a dude that left me feeling like I needed a lobotomy, I stumbled upon this book in a store and devoured it quickly. It detailed perfectly what I knew instinctually for years, but that our culture and society had been getting me to try to repress for the better part of my single life, namely that I was "needy" and "clingy" (untrue, I am very independent and when I feel secure in a relationship, I do not act out) and my need to be in a relationship was not a mental illness that needed to be medicated. Pop psychology dictates that people need to be self reliant and that any desire or "need" for another person is weakness, when the reality is that this is not true. This book lays out pretty convincingly that our bonds are rooted in biology and that when we are much more successful and happy when we're in a relationship.

I had been engaging in a on-again, off again relationship with a classic avoidant for years, completely baffled by his confusing behavior (insisting he didn't want a relationship but continuing to see me for years, it was clear he had feelings but any time we became closer, he would freak out) and this book laid out their motivations pretty clearly, that they want to be in a relationship but are simply suprressing these desires and their distancing strategies are just their mechanisms for maintaining distance. What was most useful was their explanation how the avoidant begins to idealize the ex after the ex finally leaves when there is no longer a threat of intimacy, which explained pretty clearly why this person would come back after we wouldn't talk for months.

It was very validating to read a book that did not make me feel sad and pathetic (unlike 99% of self help relationship books that offer trite advice like "work on yourself" as if you haven't already done this) and made me see why I was acting the way I was, and why the anxious and avoidant are drawn to each other. They both feed into each other's complex: the anxious continues to believe no one will ever love them and the avoidant continues to believe everyone around them is clingy and needy and somewhere out there is a magical person who will have no emotional needs, as the authors put it.

This book is great and I highly recommend it for anyone interested in the science behind our romantic attachments and who is sick and tired of relationship advice based on gender stereotypes (all men want sex, all women just want love) or that makes you feel bad for wanting bonds. Humans need attachments and social support, not isolation. This is very illuminating, and I hope to put this advice into practice in my own romantic life.

If I had to trade in all of the myriad of relationship books I have on my shelf for just ONE book...I would pick this one. Yep, over the 3 Mars/Venus books on my shelf, over "He's Just Not that Into You," over "Why Men Love Bitches"...you name it. I just finished reading "How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It" when I picked up "Attached." I was so excited the first half of that book as they spelled out the problem--second half of the book was the solutions. THEY WERE TERRIBLE. They were little more than "grin and bear it."

"Attached" is FULL of actual real world, useful, practical solutions that you can apply RIGHT NOW to your life--married or single. I read and understood my first Mars/Venus book in high school. Three divorces later, I have finally found the book that could have prevented all that heartache and misery...sigh! Better late than never. What "Attached" does that the myriad of others don't is DEEPLY educate the reader about attachment styles so that you can actually grow/change/improve/get empowered as you read, as the concepts sink in.

Other relationship books seem to have a style that is fairly coddling to the reader. "Attached" is gentle but has a tone I've never heard from other relationship books...it's frank, straight-forward, and no-holds-barred (i.e. it demonstrates the effective communication techniques that it teaches). We spend more time researching and vetting cars we are going to buy or neighborhoods to move to or colleges to attend than we do learning about how to pick a partner--THE BIGGEST DECISION OF ALL. "Attached" spells out what to look for in cut-and-dried terms that anyone can follow...nothing airy fairy just practical, useful, applicable advice based on science and research.

This book has taught me that most pop-psych relationship thinking is bogus, that I'm not broken or abnormal or lacking (my confidence has returned), and that most of the people in the dating pool are un-date-able (i.e. avoidant attachment styles). Anyone who has dated for a prolonged period of time just starts feeling like all these chronically single people around us must be normal since that's what we see profile after profile, date after date...but, nope, there are just disproportionate numbers of avoidant people who know make the rest of us feel like garbage. Freeing!!!! Likewise, the book explains that if you've ever dated an avoidant person, you get on this emotional roller coaster...so next time you meet a healthy, stable person, they seem too boring and you move on (i.e. You cheat on Aidan with Mr. Big!!!!)

This book is worth its weight in gold and then some. My questions with relationships are answered--period. Done obsessively reading about dating and relationships thanks to "Attached." BUY THIS BOOK! You won't regret it. Seriously, I want to send a copy to just about everyone I know. I never take the time to review books, but I was eager to write this as "Attached" has meant so much to me.

I really enjoyed this book. As someone who is apart of the scientific community, I love reading about topics that are research-based. The best part of this book however, is that it is extremely easy to read. If you are curious about your own attachment style and possibly that of a partner/potential partner, you will have no trouble getting through this book. I read the whole thing and completed some of the exercises that the authors had in about 24 hours. The authors ask you to take a hard look at yourself and identify what issues or problems you may bring to a relationship but without making you feel guilty. Some may feel that the authors are biased towards the anxious type however I think that they had more empathy for this group because most relationship books make anxious-type people feel guilty for their feelings. The main point that the authors make is that regardless if your attachment style is anxious or avoidant, your feelings are valid. However, your approach needs to change in order to succeed in a relationship and become more secure. I recommend this book as I think it can shed a lot of light on yourself and others around you.

First of all, I really enjoyed reading this book. This is far more insightful than what I learned in my psych courses on attachment theory. I also appreciated the sheer number of examples used in the book, which helped to clarify the authors’ points.

It was illuminating to see the many tendencies of different attachment types, especially when we see some attitudes that are prevalent in society. (E.g. The avoidant’s complaints that their partner is being needy, clingy, or demanding; the anxious partner’s apprehension towards the fate of their relationship if their mate takes too long to reply to their text messages.) Because such attitudes and beliefs are widely heard of in our society, we might believe that they are all true and valid beliefs. They are not. In fact, I recognize that they are the products of emotional reasoning—“I feel like this, therefore it’s true.”

The self-assessment was helpful, as it uncovered some misunderstandings I had about myself. I thought I was mostly secure but with an avoidant bent, and that I was rarely anxious. However, in the test results, I am indeed predominantly secure, with a few anxious and avoidant tendencies—but I had more anxious than avoidant characteristics! This was quite a surprise. What’s more, I realized that I have fantasies about taking care of and comforting an anxious partner.

In addition, I loved the special sections on the avoidant-anxious couple, and why they tend to attract each other. The chapter on effective communication was enlightening too.

There are a few things that I would have liked to see in the book, though. For starters, I was struck by how all of the example couples were of the opposite gender (male-female). There was not a single same-gender couple. And there was only one potentially gay person, who was portrayed in a negative light. He was a guy figuring out his sexual orientation, and was depicted as a guy who was stringing women along, even though he was slowly discovering that he was not into females. He apparently had intentions to bring home a girlfriend to please his family too.

Not that I think anyone should use someone of the opposite gender to pretend to be heterosexual to their parents. However, it felt disheartening as a gay person myself, to see the only explicitly queer person in the book perceived in such a poor light. It’s like reading those stories where the only gay character in the book is the main villain. It feels terrible.

Also, I know most people are still unaware of this, but it bothers me that many books, including this one, are still using the phrases “he or she,” “him or her,” “his or her,” “(s)he,” etc. I would really appreciate it if they used the gender neutral “they,” “their,” “them” instead, since not all folks use “he” or “she” pronouns. Plus, some folks are nonbinary, i.e. neither “male” nor “female.”

Secondly, the authors say that anxious men and avoidant women exist, so we shouldn’t assume that anxious and avoidant attachment styles are tied to gender. Yet, in this book, the vast majority of anxious people were women, and almost all of the avoidant people were men…I wish we could see more avoidant females and anxious males in the examples.

As a matter of fact, I felt that there was a strong sympathy for anxious individuals, whilst the avoidants were often seen as the bad guys, the jerks, and the heartbreakers. Some examples of avoidants in the book, were downright emotionally and verbally abusive! (Being afraid of closeness, does not give anyone the excuse to belittle and insult their partner.) I don’t doubt that some avoidants treat their partners terribly, but surely there are other avoidants who are not that cruel, as well as some anxious and secure partners who are nasty too.

Very many, if not most, of the avoidants in this book behaved so coldly and hurtfully, that this sample of avoidants inevitably demonizes them. Even some of the behaviors and attitudes listed for avoidants were quite atrocious, e.g. more likely to be unfaithful, denigrating and devaluing their partner, etc. It would be very nice if there was a more sympathetic perspective on avoidants, so we can understand their world more. Since most avoidants in the book were men, and there is already so much vilification of men in our society, the avoidants were made to look even worse. I don’t believe that all, or even most, avoidants are horrible and selfish romantic partners, though.

There were some points made about avoidants that could be confused with aromantics. I know aromantics are generally unknown or misunderstood by the general population, but still, I wish there was more differentiation between aros and avoidants here.

Furthermore, I would love to know more about how an anxious-avoidant couple could still work, aside from having the anxious partner lower their standards for closeness (a one-sided compromise). Couldn’t the avoidant partner make some compromises too?

There was a section on finding and emulating secure role models, which sounds promising, but it was not as detailed or in depth as I hoped it to be. How can an avoidant partner make themselves more responsive and available to their partner? Is there any way they can become more comfortable with closeness over time? Instead of just making grudging accommodations for their anxious partner? On the other side of the coin, is there a way that anxious folks can become more comfortable with space and distance? Related to this last point, I’ve heard of one writer, who might have an avoidant attachment style, explain it like this (not the exact wording): “We need time away from our partner to rest and replenish our energy. Afterwards, we will be happy to engage with our partner again. Wanting to take a break from you doesn’t mean we don’t love you. It just means we need some time alone to recharge.” Isn’t this a much more positive and sympathetic portrayal of avoidants? This way, they don’t look like heartless, cold-blooded people.

I would be quite curious to learn about secure-avoidant couples. From what I understood, secures do crave emotional closeness, so even though they don’t take their partner’s distance personally, would the secures still feel a little sad inside? Also, just because someone is avoidant, does that mean they can never give and receive emotional intimacy at all? My impression is that they do have some moments of closeness or emotional expressiveness. In fact, I recall one avoidant in the book who had no problems saying the words, “I love you.”

In a similar vein, I would like to see more examples of an avoidant partner who uses effective communication to tell their partner their needs, where their partner (even an anxious one) accepts, and where it doesn’t sound like the avoidant is Mirandizing their lover, and absolving themselves of all responsibility. The relationship is not just about the avoidant’s needs and desires, after all. It’s also about their partners’ wants and needs.

It would be very interesting to see how an anxious-anxious couple would be like. Would they fare better than the typical avoidant-anxious couple?

Finally, there were two concepts that were briefly mentioned but not elaborated on: What is disorganized attachment? And how are people who are both avoidant and anxious like? I would be happy to know more about these two categories of folks.

I loved this book very much, thus the five stars. There were just a few areas I described above that I thought the book could improve on.

I've only read a little over half at this point, but I like the breakdown of attachment styles.
As I've grown, I've migrated from avoidant to anxious, while sometimes being able to allow myself to be of a secure person at times. (Currently a bit more on the anxious scale.)

I can see how some might get offended, especially if you lie in the avoidant category. But I think the goal is for both anxious and avoidant to strive for being more of a secure figure. Being anxious can make you selfish because you're worried about your needs not being met. Being avoidant can make you selfish because you want your space and freedom. Bottom line, both need to work on themselves to be more secure.

I've had relationships with one girl that was semi-secure but turned avoidant. And another avoidant. One ended because she didn't "feel close" even though we had some deep conversation about life. The other had issues with intimacy, even though she knew I wanted a relationship and she projected that she wanted one. Rather than discuss their issues with intimacy or closeness they pinned the problem on me. Saying that I thought we were closer than we were, and the other blamed on me not respecting her boundaries.

Basically shaming me for having needs at all. If I'm going to live in a world where people can't depend on each other then, no thanks to any relationships for me. It's just not worth the trouble.

This is a life changing book for anyone who has an anxious attachment style, or who is emotionally or therapeutically supporting someone who has one. There's no way to read this book and come away with the same bankrupt dating style and strategies. The amount of energy that can be liberated from understanding and navigating one's life through this lens is tremendous. It's a simple model that generalizes the population into 3 categories, but it's brilliant because it accomplishes the purpose of bringing awareness to a "passion dynamic" that has been immortalized incorrectly in pop culture as romance. Every love song and romantic comedy is basically describing an anxious-avoidant relationship. It's kind of funny once you read this and have that realization. I've given this book to multiple clients and it has changed their lives forever.

This book is certainly a great guideline for understanding yourself and others in relationships. I always wondered why I get so attached to people, even if I don't even know if I really like them. I have an anxious relationship style and I crave a secure relationship, yet have found that I jump into relationships without knowing who they truly are. I always want to see the good in others.

This book is helping me to see and realize these things. The audio book has all the case studies which are like descriptions of people I know in my life. One is so dead on to a friend and the things his "avoidant" wife would say to him. Another, is the exact wording to a "avoidant" friend of mine who constantly talks about "finding the one" then dumps girls over stupid reasons or cause they slept together, his ability to avoid intimacy and always blame the other person is uncanny, and exactly as outlined in this book.

I now have a better understanding of what I need in a relationship and hopefully this will help me to get back into the dating pool, and to try to see what is healthy and what is not, before I jump into the deep end of the pool with someone.

Anyways, I honestly think I would want any man I date to read or listen to the audioguide of this book because I think it would help immensely in relating to one another.

The first couple of chapters was an eye opener for me. It explained so much as to why I could not hold down a longterm relationship. I have an avoidant attachment style. The problem that I had with this audio book was that for us with Avoidant attachment style it didn't help us find a way make our attachment style more secure. I want to be more intimate with my partner, I don't want to be alone but at the same time I don't want to suffocated with clinginess. This book in the end made those of us with the Avoidant attachment style as the problem. That really irritated me.
I was glad this book introduce Attachment Style theory to me, however I would recommend listening to, "Your Brain on Love" by Stan Tatkin. He uses different terms for Attachment Style; Avoidants are called Islands, Anxious are called Waves and Secure are called Anchors. He's overarching philosophy on relationships combined with the science on relationships made this book a home run. If you are like me and tend run away when it gets too intimate, I would suggest listening to Stan's book first. Avoidant people want love and intimacy just like the next person but we have to have in a way that works with our natural tendencies.

I've learned about attachment styles before and have figured out that my partner is secure before reading this. Still, I'm amazed to see that the secure section in the book pretty much describes him to a T, from respecting boundaries to being emotionally responsive. He's also VERY forgiving, just as described in the book. Learning about different attachment style brings my appreciation for him to a whole new level.

I have anxious-avoidant attachment style, not an easy style to have at all to be in a romantic relationship. Even though this style wasn't included in the book, I still find the book helpful in illuminating the ineffective strategies that I engage in from both the avoidant and anxious sections (eg. acting aloof, sulking, not communicating directly). I tried using the effective communication skills shown in the book (with difficulty) and my partner told me he much prefers me bringing up problems this way, rather than the old way of becoming silent and withdrawing.

Overall, this is a a good book. Though I gotta agree with some other reviewers that this book takes on a much harsher tone toward avoidants versus the kinder tone shown toward anxious. Though I understand most people who seek out relationship books often have anxious attachment styles, for a book that is meant for all types, doing this isolates avoidant readers rather than connecting with them, making whatever advice given seems less credible toward those audience.

This book has blown my mind! I feel like I finally understand the toxic element I've experienced in literally EVERY relationship I've ever been in since my first major intimate romantic relationship at age 15. Learning what I have in this book, I now feel confident that I can seek and find the partner or partners that will contribute to my happiness and fulfillment and ward off the ones who activate my anxious attachment system. Also, I now feel knowledgeable enough about the subject of attachment theory to tell people to screw-off when they tell me I'm too needy. Read this book- it will change your life for the better!

I just went through a breakup recently and was completely oblivious to why I acted the way I did in the relationship. This book gave me an understanding of what was going on. The parts I related to were pretty revealing, insightful, and dead on. The examples given in the book could have been written about me in many instances. It was a little too late for me to fix my relationship, but I found out that the relationship I was in was an especially difficult matchup given that we were both insecure attachment styles. I've read another book dealing with the insecure attachment style and it was also enlightening, also a little too late to help change my behaviors and communication habits to heal my broken relationship. I liked this book better that the other book in many ways, especially the examples. I think that if I had the knowledge of this book before getting into that relationship I may have exited sooner or been able to use the effective communications skills to grow the relationship in a healthy way.
The only “CON” I have with the book is the scientific premise that involves explaining the attachment theory based on Darwinian evolution theory. I think the conclusions made in this material do not necessarily benefit from the entanglement with the theory of evolution. I am a Christian and do not believe in evolution anymore, but I wasn't put off by the authors using evolutionary theory to explain the attachment styles. No matter what your belief system is, evolution, deity, intelligent design, agnostic, etc. I believe this book has a lot to offer for people struggling in relationships, especially romantic ones.

Best relationship book I have ever read. I've read tons of other books but this one is it. (From manifesting your partner types of books to Love languages, Men are from Mars/ etc as well as dating guides for men) Really, you seriously don't need to read any other books but this one. I recommend this to anyone who has relationship challenges or to people who want to understand the true value of relationship. It has made a tremendous change in my life and my relationship with my girlfriend. I cannot recommend this book highly enough. The world has waited for this knowledge for thousands of years. This is the ground breaking truth that will transform the way we look at relationships. Thank you for this amazing gift and sharing it with us.