How to Discuss What Matters Most - Difficult Conversations

I bought this book for a college class. As possible, definitely shop the store books to gain the best value. Campus bookstores can be expensive! I received this book promptly and it was in great condition (as listed). The subject matter was excellent! The content provides research outcomes, scenarios, and recommendations for tackling difficult conversations on most any level (personal & business). I approve the book & the seller.

Douglas Stone demonstrates great awareness of the subject matter. He states the principles and then illustrates them with powerful examples. He made me think of my own approach in difficult conversations. The person who buys this book will not regret the purchase.

Enjoyed the book and shed a number different perspectives that I was totally unaware of when working with anyone. Opened my eyes to think and see situations differently. Bought the book for my leadership group and the book and individuals were very enlightning.

Easy to read, yet mind-opening. The reader is immediately introduced to the world beyond words, and once you start to understand the Mr. Stone's approach, you can't wait to apply it straight away. A must for everyone willing to expand their view on people relationship and is willing to see things from a third party point of view. There is simply no good reason not to read this book!

This really helps explain why some communication processes are so complex. Practical suggestions and examples are helpful in clarifying the concepts and give me courage that I might be able to get through some tough conversations that I need to have.

A must read for anyone and everyone - in schools, at work, in the home. These are skills u can put to use immediately but will take a little time to master. Well worth it though. This will be the ideal gift for any occasion. It is the gift that keeps giving.

You are always leery that the product you are going to get, especially when it's inexpensive, is not going to be up to par, we'll I did not have that issue. The book I receive was in great condition.

If you want to understand how conversations

work, I think evolutionary psychology is more

on the mark. I loved Steven Pinker's "How the

Mind Works" and "Blank Slate". It helped me

understand why our behavior is commonly NOT

rational. (our behavior is what it is because

it happens to be what survives the generations).

The only thing I got from this book is the fact

that we normally grossly overestimate the accuracy

of our assumptions about other people. We are

commonly way wrong (on further investigation

(conversation)).

Initially when I read this book (about two years ago),

I was intrigued because I like the idea of resolving

issues by talking. But I think there are lots of

people who do not like to "over analyze". (And I think

evolutionary psychology can explain even this).

For example, a friend may be touchy about a

certain subject because he benefits from some kind

of "cognitive dissonance". He may then have a

very good (eg. financial) gut-based "reason" to

refuse talking about it.

I appreciate the hard work and analysis that went into

this book. And maybe I am failing to grasp the proper

way to apply the concepts. Or underestimating its

usefulness in the right circumstance. But I stand by

my opinion.

Moderatly satisfying can take to long to make point and would benefit from bit more investigation of why what works works. Ok read but you will need other sources to really understand at the levle of what should you do as situations vary.

I have the audio version. While I like the message of the book, the audio cd needs work. The speakers are boring speakers and hard to keep interested in listening. There's like 2 male voices and 1-2 female voices. Keeps jumping around.

The thesis of the book is fairly straightforward: often we "think" we know the motivations of someone we are having a hard time communicating with, but most of the time we don't. For example, when a spouse does something that the other spouse doesn't like, a likely thought by the offended spouse is "you are doing that just to bug me." The offended spouse thinks he or she KNOWS why his or her spouse does the irritating thing, but an in depth, thoughtful conversation makes the offended spouse realize that there is a non-offensive motivation involved. (I know, I know, "Say what?" Just read it again).
If those are the types of difficult conversations you have -- i.e. you are either suspicious of the motives of someone you have trouble communicating with or you are convinced someone else thinks your motives are disrepectful, by all means, read this book. It is helpful in that respect. However, my difficult conversations take a slightly different turn, and the author devotes very little time to them. The conversations I need help with are the ones where I'm correct and the other person is wrong (just trust me here -- I'm sure you've had the same problem at one time or another). The only thing I found in the book that even touches this is where the author gives the example of a teenage daughter caught smoking. Clearly, the daughter is in the wrong and a parent trying to eliminate that behavior would be right. The book does little if anything for this.
So, if you are a parent looking to better your conversations with a difficult child, an employer trying to motivate a low performing employee, or a professional trying to convince a client/patient that their way of doing things is dangerous, I'm afraid you will have to look elsewhere. A parent who has to deal with a lawbreaking child shouldn't be concerned with the child's motivation, nor should a doctor trying to counsel an obese person to live a healthier lifestyle. Yes, in those situations, a parent who is never home should realize the lawbreaking is only a symptom, and the doctor with "smokers breath" should understand he isn't going to have credibility unless he takes his own advice. But in both these situations (and hundreds of others) one person is right and the other is wrong. I found little in this book that shed light on those difficult conversations.

Moderatly satisfying can take to long to make point and would benefit from bit more investigation of why what works works. Ok read but you will need other sources to really understand at the levle of what should you do as situations vary.

I have the audio version. While I like the message of the book, the audio cd needs work. The speakers are boring speakers and hard to keep interested in listening. There's like 2 male voices and 1-2 female voices. Keeps jumping around.

The thesis of the book is fairly straightforward: often we "think" we know the motivations of someone we are having a hard time communicating with, but most of the time we don't. For example, when a spouse does something that the other spouse doesn't like, a likely thought by the offended spouse is "you are doing that just to bug me." The offended spouse thinks he or she KNOWS why his or her spouse does the irritating thing, but an in depth, thoughtful conversation makes the offended spouse realize that there is a non-offensive motivation involved. (I know, I know, "Say what?" Just read it again).
If those are the types of difficult conversations you have -- i.e. you are either suspicious of the motives of someone you have trouble communicating with or you are convinced someone else thinks your motives are disrepectful, by all means, read this book. It is helpful in that respect. However, my difficult conversations take a slightly different turn, and the author devotes very little time to them. The conversations I need help with are the ones where I'm correct and the other person is wrong (just trust me here -- I'm sure you've had the same problem at one time or another). The only thing I found in the book that even touches this is where the author gives the example of a teenage daughter caught smoking. Clearly, the daughter is in the wrong and a parent trying to eliminate that behavior would be right. The book does little if anything for this.
So, if you are a parent looking to better your conversations with a difficult child, an employer trying to motivate a low performing employee, or a professional trying to convince a client/patient that their way of doing things is dangerous, I'm afraid you will have to look elsewhere. A parent who has to deal with a lawbreaking child shouldn't be concerned with the child's motivation, nor should a doctor trying to counsel an obese person to live a healthier lifestyle. Yes, in those situations, a parent who is never home should realize the lawbreaking is only a symptom, and the doctor with "smokers breath" should understand he isn't going to have credibility unless he takes his own advice. But in both these situations (and hundreds of others) one person is right and the other is wrong. I found little in this book that shed light on those difficult conversations.

The ideas were very well presented, the book was of very good quality, nevertheless, the material included in this book I had mixed feelings on. This book did not present anything new or different than any other book and any conflict management book would cover the same material.

I received the above book today in good order. the first thing I noticed were the darker paper (less quality), small size and small print!!! I am going to send it back. I suggest you might not want ot purchase this publication.

I like this book. It doesn't presume that it will solve your problems. It acknowledges that the other party has to want to participate in fixing the problem. It basically just tells you techniques on how not to make the situation worse, and what will likely lead to an improvement.

After reading it, the problems don't seem less daunting, but I do feel more confident knowing what mistakes I've been making in the past. I used to be the type who thought if I had the loudest and most fear-inducing bark, then I'd be sure to get my way. I figured out after a number of shouting matches hurling hurtful words that that doesn't work. Eventually, I became the type to avoid arguments altogether believing they weren't worth it, and whatever problem it was, I'd have to live with it (b/c from my experience no matter what is said or done people are going to see only their point of view and therefore not desire to accommodate me). That made me miserable. I became the most passive aggressive person you'll ever meet, lol. I wouldn't bother to have a conversation, just react by cutting off the person, avoiding eye contact with them, or just quitting.

This book has been really enlighting b/c I do so many of the things they warn against. I definitely suffer identity crises, and take the all-or-nothing stance. I do assume I know someone's intent when their actions have affected me negatively. This is going to take a lot of practice, but I already know the alternative, and I don't want to end up alone and jobless, so this is what I'll have to do.

A book on CD called to me when I saw its captivating title: DIFFICULT CONVERSATIONS: HOW TO DISUCSS WHAT MATTERS MOST--written and read by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton and Sheila Heen.

The fact that Patton was one of the authors also caught my attention, in that he was the coauthor of one of my favorite books on negotiations, GETTING TO YES!

This effort covers such topics as dealing with your ex-husband who can't seem to show up reliably for weekends with the kinds navigating a workplace fraught with office politics or racial tensions, and saying "I'm sorry" or "I love you." No matter who we are, we've all had to have similar conversations and too often, they don't go as well as we would like.

DIFFICULT CONVERSATONS at least makes them easier by providing such useful advice as the following:

* Use "and" to help you become clearer; e.g.,, "I understand what you're saying, and I feel this way."

* Put things on the table without judgments.

* Saying "I feel" will cause the other person to be less likely to argue with you.

* Postponing a conversation can sometimes be helpful.

* Sometimes, actions are better than conversations; e.g., going to a mother's home rather than always being asked, "When are you going to come home?"

* People are more likely to change when they don't have to.

* If you don't have a question, don't ask one; e.g., "Are you going to clean the refrigerator?" vs. "Please clean the refrigerator."

And this one final tidbit, which I have personally found very useful: Be careful when making judgments. It is easy to say, "Spanking is wrong," but a better way to say this might well be, "I believe spanking is wrong."

"Difficult Conversations" delivers something I was searching for a long time: an actual systematic framework to reflect and plan on the troublesome conversations we all need to have at home or at work.

Having read my fair share of psychology and negotiation books, I had already given up on finding a more rounded work on the subject and told myself that getting a few nice ideas here and there on a dozen different books is all there was to it. I'm glad I was wrong and ended up picking up this one.

This book is packed with so much content that I feel like buying a large piece of paper to actually try to draw a huge mind map of all the concepts and hang on my living room so I can be constantly reminded of the framework - this stuff is really hard but so important. But of course my wife wouldn't allow me to do that, and my friends visiting the house would think I'm a total freak (currently they only think I'm a partial freak).

Plus this is a 300-page book with actually 300 pages (hooray), unlike many self-help or pop science books that should have been a blog post or article and just start repeating themselves or giving an unlimited amount of examples after chapter 2 just so they can become "actual" books to be sold to you at $9.99. Although a few of the core concepts do get repeated a few times, you hardly go for 2 or 3 pages without learning something actually new and useful.

As with all such books, though, I think its only flaw is the lack of realism in some of the dialogue examples. We are still yet to find a book with examples as realistic as when your spouse is very angry after you arrive drunk and late on a Friday night after "a night with the boys".

This is definitely going into my privileged list of "books to be given as gifts in the future". And if it's good enough to be given to my loved ones, it's surely good enough to be read by you.

I have to agree with a number of other reviews that the examples given, or at least the amount of them, is overkill. Those probably added 20% of additional material that made the really really good findings/insights/lessons harder, for me at least, to digest. I'm not critic or scholar though. Please read this, you'll find some very helpful lessons.

A year ago I read the book Crucial Conversations (CC) (my review), which is quite similar to this book and perhaps more well-known. But I found Difficult Conversations (DC) to have fresh insights and actually be an easier read-- it doesn't contain all the fluff and testimonials that CC does. The authors of this book are Harvard academics. Bruce Patton's book Getting to Yes, on negotiation, is on my to-read list, and I wonder how it squares with this one-- where the point is not to see the DC as a negotiation. I think the main difference between CC and DC are that CC approaches the conversation with a strategy of asking "What do I want?" whereas this book has a goal of expressing "How do I feel?" (So, in CC you say "I want..." whereas in DC you say "I feel...") Both books are worth reading, keeping notes as reference, and revisiting frequently. My favorite review on the cover comes from management guru Tom Peters: “I’m on my third reading. Half the pages are dog-eared. This is a mind-bogglingly powerful book. For life.” Another book I'd recommend with the above pair is Toxic Workplace by Kusy and Holloway (my review), where the reader is given strategies on how to deal with difficult people.

The goal is to make the difficult conversation a "learning conversation." It requires talking about feelings in order to resolve the conflict, don't avoid the underlying emotions but seek to have them heard and understand the other person's emotions as well. It is not about comparing objective facts; perceptions matter more than facts when it comes to human beings. You can boil a difficult conversation down to three pillars:
1. Learn their story.
2. Express your goals and feelings.
3. Problem-solve together.

Before having a difficult conversation, have an inward one with yourself. Be humble and assume you lack important information. Perhaps the other party has done something out of ignorance rather than malice, or has something going on you know nothing about. What is the other person's worldview that makes him accept his positions? Don't accept or reject their point of view, just work to understand it. Empathy is crucial-- imagine yourself in the other person's story or imagine how the situation might appear to an outside observer with even less facts. Recognize and cope with any personal identity issues in your conversation with yourself. Are you bringing other unrelated problems into this one?

Find out: "What did I contribute to the conflict?" Was it avoidance of an issue that caused feelings to fester? Was I being testy? What did I perceive, what triggers did I feel? Work out a "what can we do differently next time?" conversation with the other person (crucial if it's a longer-term relationship). You should make sure your words in the conflict resolution truly express what you're feeling. "I feel..." should be spoken and heard, rather than "I want..." "I feel" avoids accusation and gets right to the reason for the conversation. DCs are not about objective facts but about what is important--feelings. Definitely avoid exaggeration, and don't deny what the other person either perceived or felt.

Everyone wants to change others, millions in America marry on the belief that he/she can change the other person-- that's not happening if you set out to do it in conversation. We have to learn to accept the person well enough to live and work with him or her. If you set out to change the other in conversation, you will not achieve what you and will harm the relationship. But a mutual learning conversation where you hear the other person's feelings and seek to understand his or her worldview could go a long way to the change you hope to see.
Here's the tough part for me: Understand that even if you shared your deep feelings about how the person's actions made you feel, he or she may engage in the same behavior even if they understand how it makes you feel. He or she might even just forget! That's what people do; at some point you make the choice to love then where they're at. (This is supposed to be easier for me as a Christian, because I know that I should forgive others because God forgave me while I was yet a sinner, an enemy, who did not love Him. Romans 5:8. But it's difficult and requires reminder and practice.) He or she may not have the power to change. You've got to let it go and instead find your own identity in the conflict.

The conflict is not who you are, and it's not all about you and your needs. Begin the conversation with the third-person point of view. "I saw this...now, help me understand where you're coming from. Why did you say 'X'?" Maintain eye contact with the person, listen and make sure they feel heard (the authors do not go through the "create a safe place" directive like Crucial Conversations' did). Put the problem on the table and work through it.

The authors strongly recommend again the strategy of dressing an assertion up as a question, and admonish the reader to be careful asking any questions in the difficult conversation. I have been intentionally trying to frame my points as questions, I think whole books have been written on the best way to do this in negotiation. Instead, the authors write you should just say "I feel..." or "I understand what you're saying, and I feel this way..." If you're going to ask a question, make it an invitation -- "Can you help me understand this? Can you tell me how you felt about X...?" Then, paraphrase your understanding of their feelings. Say "My view is..." and share life experiences about how you came to that view; then LISTEN as the other person explains his or her own view. State what is still missing in the story, or what doesn't make sense to you.

The ultimate challenge is perhaps to "find the 'and' and not the 'or.'" Things may not easily be black or white, you perceive them as black and she perceives them as white and in the process we find out why each person feels that way. Again, this is different from Crucial Conversations where you ask "What do I want this conversation to accomplish?" and instead have a learning conversation where you understand "What are my feelings, and what are the other person's feelings?" There are no easy acronyms to remember.

I give this book 4 stars out of 5. I need to constantly revisit the thoughts in this book and practice. This book is excellent for any parent, pastor, teacher, manager, or spouse.

Difficult conversations are "difficult" because in some way your core emotional need to be validated or valued, is not being met. In most difficult conversations, your sense of personal security and self-esteem is at stake. What Roger Fisher does in this book is provide you with a cognitive restructuring to the experience of having a difficult conversation. Obviously, there are no magic answers, and it is easy to feel devalued and victimized by certain kinds of difficult conversations. How you think about the situation, how you respond instead of react, and your decision-making during the conversation about response, and a plan of action - will determine the outcomes. Although I found some repetition, the author certainly does a great job of guiding you through a change-model approach to handling difficult conversations.

In my book: "Trauma and Transformation: A 12-Step Guide", I fully explore the spiritual side-effects of trauma, and how the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous is a powerful systematic approach for the trauma survivor seeking a spiritual solution.

-Rivka Edery, L.M.S.W
Website: [...]
Author of: "Trauma and Transformation: A 12-Step Guide".
Available from: TRAUMA AND TRANSFORMATION 12 Step Guide

I am training to be a mediator and this book was distributed to us as a bible for engaging in difficult conversations. For me, the book is most helpful in illuminating why conversations can be so difficult or intense. It helps break them down into parts or in slow motion so you can understand better what is creating the roadblock, or the resistance. For instance, most difficult conversations have unspoken emotions underlying them. This book aims at helping you identify yours and others since without understanding the underlying emotions, most people can't truly understand each other. The book is very helpful but as with all true change, it takes focus and plenty of practice. A workbook containing tons of hypothetical examples to accompany this book would be very helpful to practice the principles. Having said that, I am sending a copy to my two young adult nephews. I think young adults who are just now facing difficult roommates, intimidating bosses, manipulative co-workers would find this book a godsend. And since they haven't had years to develop bad habits like the rest of us, they probably won't need the workbook! :)

The book teaches us to get away from a "What Happened?" type of conversation. Nothing is more tempting than to start off with "Let's look at all the things YOU did wrong." Instead, you must stop arguing about who's right (which is hard because, well, I AM right), not assume they meant it, and initially abandon blame.

Another aspect involves the concept of knowing your identity--sometimes you are going to have to deliver bad news, and they're not going to take it well. Don't try to soften the blow because that only makes it worse.

The next step is to discuss everyone's feelings--not those "let's hold hands around the campfire feelings," but the feelings which matter. It doesn't matter that she corrects your grammar, for instance--it matters how it makes you feel when she corrects you in front of everybody else. It's much more important to discuss that feeling than the principles of English grammar and pronunciation. Make sure you let them tell you how they feel, and vice versa.

Once you've both expressed how your feelings contributed to the situation, you can talk about how both of you can solve the problem in the future. Even if you think it's 100% their fault, you can certainly find some smidgen where you can improve to help the situation in the future.

One aspect I like about the book is that although you do initially move past the blame and talk about your feelings, you are not a doormat. The book makes it clear that it is vital that you express why you felt upset, and this book is not about letting people off the hook because of their actions.

I think the book is extremely helpful in any business setting, and may also be helpful in personal relationships. You will find this book helps you manage difficult conversations and make them seem less daunting than before.

I have attempted to read this book 4 times over the past 5 years and have always failed. I have finally completed this book 2 days ago and found out that I have missed so much by completing it so late.
I have rated this book junk and advised others away from it but after completing it I found out that I was wrong. Maybe you could term this "difficult conversation" as well.

The author has concisely broken down the complex process into 3 distinct and digestible processes namely:
1. How to come to realise what actually happened,
2. Understand your own identity and its contribution to the problem at hand,
3. That all feelings, all parties should be expressed to have a meaningful and comprehensive conversation.

It is surprising that something so simple and existed for century should be misunderstood and until this book no one has clearly identified the process except for the symbols and symptoms.

Remember the saying, a battle is won only when you understand the enemy and plan strategically towards achieving it. If you believe this saga, then I advise you to read this book. Be determined to complete it so that you derive the most out of it and be unlike me to take 5 years to come to term and completed it.

Be flexible, difficult conversation is not restricted to verbal conversation, to me broaden it to non-verbal and even your own thinking and actions. Learn to actively use the skills learn here to all your daily routine and wish all success!

It is a consultant truism that, for change to occur, it must work on three different levels: a rational level, an emotional level and a political level. The change has to be right, it has to feel right and it has to meet the needs of the key stakeholders. In saying this we are exploding the myth of scientific management and of the rational organisation that obeys well defined scientific rules. And with it comes the recognition that organisations comprise of people.
Unlike machines, people need to take part, they need to be informed, consulted and motivated. All these involve conversations, some of which are difficult. Too often we shy away from difficult conversations, thereby leaving critical issues unaddressed.
Difficult conversations are difficult because are a tangle of facts, emotions and perceptions. However small adjustments in our assumptions and in the way we engage can greatly improve the chances of success.
According to the authors, difficult conversations take place at a rational, emotional and identity level. Even at the rational level we make mistakes. We assume that we are talking about what is true and not what is important, and we assume that we know the intentions of others.
This book provides a conceptual framework within which to understand difficult conversations. It also provides the tools and techniques to handle and diffuse a conversation and convert it into a `learning conversation'. It shows how to use the third story, a neutral statement from the outside, to start a conversation and illustrates techniques for exploring the issues and solving problems. The examples are real and realistic. They showing how the inappropriate responses do lead to escalation and they are used to coach the reader through the alternatives.
In the early eighties, in "Getting to YES" the Harvard Negotiation Project showed us how to negotiate interests and not positions, Ten years later the sequel, "Getting past NO" showed how to initiate such a win-win discussion with a reluctant party, the negotiator who had not read the first book.
"Difficult conversations" is the latest in this series. It tells you how to open the dialogue even when you are one of the reluctant parties. It deals with the conversations we avoid, or which, when we don't avoid them, tend to escalate. This book is useful both in management and in everyday life. "Getting past YES" sold over three million copies. It would be a pity if "Difficult Conversations" sold any less.

My aunt recommended "Difficult Conversations" to me years ago. I took out from the library and didn't find time to read it. A couple years of work and personal drama later, I wish I'd finished it when I first picked it up. This book can offer great clarity to business and personal conversations.

The book is very clearly constructed and seems tailor-made for its intended audience. If you're looking for a book like this, you need structure and guidance to get you out of some deeply rooted bad habits. The focus on facts then feelings then identity has helped me already in a difficult conversation with my boss at work. The book is simple in its conclusions: understand the other person's side better while focusing on mututal contributions to causes of problems and their solutions. The authors appear to have years of experience in dealing with clients in this field and have made their book very user friendly with specific examples and quotes of good phrases to use.

I'm going to hold back a star for this because I feel that the authors could have done a better job in informing readers about how they came to their conclusions and strategies. I would imagine that there is a spiritual component to having the frame of mind to be receptive to listening without judging. These authors can't raise that side of the issue because they are rooted in business school practice. Of greater concern is the lack of a bibliography or suggested reading list. What is given in the back of the book is "A Note On Some Relevant Organizations". All of these "relevant organizations" are related to the Harvard Negotiating Project. In other words, the authors may desire to market the Harvard Negotiating Project [and the large consulting fees it commands] as much as they desire to comprehensively inform readers about the issues raised in"Difficult Conversations".

Ultimately, however, my recommendations on books are based on how helpful the books are to me. This book has been very helpful and I recommend it without serious qualifictions.

4 stars

--SD

Stone, Patton and Bruce have written a very useful and critical work on the dynamics of all conversations - the ones we've had and regret; the ones we don't have, because they seem too risky; and the ones we need to have to enhance our personal and professional relationships. They argue that there are three categories of conversations, which encompass every aspect of what transpires in our daily exchanges. They are: (1) The "what happened?" conversation (2) The feelings conversation and (3) The identity conversation. We can become more skilled and efficient in our conversations, if we begin to check our often flawed assumptions about what happened, how we're feeling and how our self-perceptions impact our understanding of what others say. Typically, we assume we are right and others are wrong, we assume the intentions of others, we don't treat feelings as facts, and we associate our identities too closely with the contexts of specific conflicts. To have productive difficult conversations, we need to change the way we talk to ourselves and how we approach our communications with others.
One can't help wondering, however, if the only people reading this book are already self-actualized or so well on their way that they are, in fact, the best communicators among us. The authors' failed to address the lingering doubt left with the critical, reflective reader: that most difficult conversations are the fruits of difficult people, who, unless they read this book, have little capacity or motivation to be anything but difficult. In any case, Difficult Conversations is mostly devoted to explaining and analyzing the three conversations and how one can use these categories to have more productive exchanges. The book has many useful graphic organizers, including a checklist and a roadmap for engaging in difficult conversations.
In effect, Stone and his colleagues argue that we must shift from a perspective of "knowing" to "learning". Meaningful conversations can take place when we don't permit our assumptions to rule the moment, rather when we take control by being curious, open, and self-aware. To find out what happened, we need to explore each other's stories, separate intent from impact, abandon the blame framework, and to consider all conflicts as a system ("the contribution system"), to which every party has contributed in some way. They argue that the blame framework is a clue that feelings are playing a significant role in a conflict. Feelings often get translated into judgements, attributions, characterizations, or solutions. The key to managing feelings is to treat them as facts by acknowledging them, and considering how they are part of the problem and exploring them fully. All too often our feelings emerge from the sense that our identity is somehow at stake. Most of us frame our identities around one or all of three core themes: competence, virtue, or worthiness. When we feel any of these is questioned, we revert to fight or flight. We can best manage the identity issue by understanding ourselves as complex, by knowing we make mistakes, by acknowledging that our intentions are not simple, and by recognizing that all parties contribute to problems. The "learning" must begin within ourselves before we can understand issues or problems with others.
We can affect our own conversational "learning" by engaging in "the third story" conversation, which requires us to consider how a third party would describe and analyze the situation. This sets up a process of internal dialogue, which is necessary to check our own perceptions, feelings, and interests. Further, the authors encourage listening from the inside out, speaking for yourself, and taking the initiative. While the book combines theory, examples, and description, it is also a very handy guide to improving one's communication style in the workplace or at home.

Difficult conversations are a normal part of business life---as well as personal life. Therefore, it is an absolute must to become very good at leading them. The authors argue that difficult conversations generally fall prey to three assumptions:

1. The Truth Assumption: I am right; you are wrong
2. The Intention Invention : Your intentions were bad or selfish
3. The Blame Frame : You are to blame

By dropping these assumptions and beginning the conversation from an objective, "third story" point of view, the authors teach how to listen and inquire what the other personâÂÂ(tm)s story is. Doing so gets rid of the three assumptions, and focuses the conversation on solutions. The real-world examples are particularly illuminating.

By becoming better at difficult conversations, the book challenges the reader to become a better manager, leader, and ultimately, a better person.

Forced to buy it for class
Basically don't be a selfish moron when talking to other people and listen to them. I can say I learned nothing from this book. If you are hated and don't understand why then please read. Otherwise don't waste your money.

This little book can be a great help. We all have avoided conversations we knew were going to be difficult. Often not talking made things worse, so as things became intolerable we had the discussion and things got even worse. These authors break down the inner structure of difficult conversations and how we often mishandle them. They then show us the ways in which we can turn this into a constructive process that brings more understanding, greater cooperation, and learning that will help avoid repeating the difficulties in the future.

Certainly, I can't recap the whole book in this little review, but I especially like their concept of three conversations happening within each difficult conversation. They are the debate over what happened, the feelings conversation, and the identity issues. In the what happened conversation the problem is that each side assumes it knows the truth, that they know the other party's intentions, and that they know where and how to assign blame. Of course, all this is a fiction and a waste of time. It does nothing to fix the situation or improve the process to avoid the problem in the future. The book then shows you how to have a constructive approach to the same problem. Excellent stuff!

The authors are part of the Harvard Negotiation Project and has a foreword by one of the authors of the famous book, "Getting to Yes". The book is concise, but full of very good information. I recommend it very much.

Reviewed by Craig Matteson - Ann Arbor, MI

In Difficult Conversations, the authors Stone, Patton and Heen set out to de-mystify the problems we get into in our daily conversations.

I found this book both enlightening and difficult. Enlightening because of the simple concepts and principles one should adopt when handling difficult conversations. For example, classifying all conversations into:
* The "What Happened ?" Conversation
* The Feelings Conversation
* The Identity Conversation

All of these made sense and will be very useful for me from now on. There were also plenty of examples to illustrate. And that's where I found this book difficult. For me, there were too many examples and sub sections of sub sections - I had to go back a number of times to make the various connections.

Having said that, conversations are a difficult topic to write about. Once a spoken sentence is put onto a page, it can be interpreted in a number of ways. I would have liked to have seen more "big picture" frameworks and diagrams to keep me on track and connected to the author's current point or topic.

Recommended for serious students of communication.

Bob Selden, author What To Do When You Become The Boss: How new managers become successful managers

Ever dread having to hold a difficult conversation? I recommend this book as "basic training" for anyone who has faced the prospect of speaking with bosses, co-workers, employees about negative workplace behaviors, skill deficits, attitude issues, interpersonal conflicts, or blind spots.

"Difficult Conversations" first explores the incompatible perspectives that create every difficult conversation and then explains how to deal with them. The authors show how to move from a destructive and frustrating interchange to what they call a "learning conversation." They offer the steps to help shift your perspective and the direction of your difficult conversations. The book is written from a general perspective, applicable to all communications, and it contains many examples from the workplace. Highly recommended.

This book (the 2000 version) saved my sanity once and got me through a very stressful family time. Not only did it help with my relationships, it helped me to think about the problem in a different way that gave me greater peace of mind and clarity of thought and purpose. Everyone on the planet should buy, not borrow, this book, and read it every year.

Practical, straightforward, powerful tools for understanding more meaningful conversations with people. Even if much is common sense, I sense this will be a companion I revisit often. You know a book has taken hold when I'm watching Breaking Bad later that day and thinking, you know, if only this family could recognize the Identity Conversations taking place here...

You will face difficult conversations throughout your life, but now you can learn how to cope with them. This book provides a framework and various strategies for achieving better outcomes from hard exchanges. Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton and Sheila Heen use principles, illustrative stories and charts to teach you how to understand the components of challenging conversations, and how to prepare for them and transform them into something constructive. The language of the book is clear, insightful, concise and always helpful. You can use these principles in business, but the stories also concern relationships in your everyday life. We say everyone from teenagers to mature adults can use the communication skills discussed in this wise book.

There's nothing like the difficult conversation that has to be done. You may have to tell a friend something that you know will hurt them deeply, you may have to tell the boss that you are quitting after many years of a friendly working environment, you may have to break off a relationship or who knows what else. Difficult conversations are a part of life and often a staple part of life with a teenager. That is where this book comes in. The authors discuss the structure of these conversations and how you can get to the heart of the matter with compassion and clarity so that each party gets through it as a team or with a minimum of emotional pain. It also examines why they are difficult conversations. In short it teaches how to examine situations in terms of how each person perceived what happened, how each person feels about the situation or is likely to feel when they are confronted, and the identity issues that are involved when discussing the subject. A fine book that will help many people learn how to deal with a difficult conversation, but should be augmented by "Words that Hurt; Words the Heal" or a similar text.

Any conversation that you can possibly imagine may run into some sort of difficulty some time in your life. From talking with your children or a significant other, or a conversation in the work place. All these conversations can have a difficult situation to deal with. This book can help you find a useful way to get through these difficult conversations. This book has a one step at a time approach to help you through these difficult times. It shows you how to start a conversation and keep it going once you have already started. This book also goes into telling you how a conversation shows who you are, and then how you are decides how your conversations will go. The book starts out with identifying the three types on conversation. Those being the "What Happened, Feelings, and Identity Conversations'" It gives you details on each of them showing you what may occur during each of them. Also what to do during while they are happening to make them work out best for each person involved. Finally the book teaches you how to create a learning conversation with the six ways to do it. "What's your purpose, Getting Started, Learning, Expression, Problem Solving, and Putting it all together." If you have any kind of problem when it comes to dealing with conversations or you just wish to better yourself in the communication area I suggest you read this book. It is a great way to better your communication skills and make your conversations more producitve. I know you will enjoy and learn from reading this book and every time that you reread it you will learn knew information that can be helpful to you.

Isn't there someone you've been wanting to discuss something with for years and, for one reason or another, couldn't broach the subject? Perhaps the subject is sensitive. Perhaps the other person isn't easy to communicate with. Perhaps you, yourself, want to avoid what you know will be a confrontational situation. I've had this problem for years with someone about a subject that needed clarification. No matter how many scenarios I mulled over in my mind in anticipation of having this conversation, they all pointed to disaster.
Not only did I read "Difficult Conversations" from cover to cover, but have already employed the authors' suggestions in broaching a sensitive subject with a family member. After years of worrying about the potential horrific reactions, I was able to elicit a positive response. The other party didn't become defensive, but, rather, wonderfully receptive to what had been preying on my mind for years.
If you're worrying about having one of those difficult conversations, believe me, it's needless. Pick up a copy of this very clearly written and powerfully effective book and discover that no conversation has to be difficult as long as you have the right attitude and tools.

I don't know if it was that the book was not well written, or just that the thoughts seemed disjointed, but I had a very difficult time following the ideas. First of all, it is really hard to digest the fact that I may be at fault for all of the issues I need to have difficult conversations about. This book would have us all believing that we should not only always look at the other person's side, but often sacrifice our own views and desires in the interest of making a difficult conversation easier. Secondly, I am sure there must be a better approach than this. I had to strongly disagree on many occasions with the author's recommendations because when I applied them to my own life, I found myself having to make excuses for wrongdoings that others did to me! Definitely not for people with low self-esteem!

The authors should be respected for trying to bring order to a difficult, uncomfortable and unruly subject matter. For the most part, they succeed. The book is worth reading simply for the understanding of the Three Conversations material. Where they go wrong....they bleed into pop-psych from time to time and engage in some cheerleading. It's possible the publisher slashed for this to lengthen the book a little, which the work could have done without.

In my quest to continually evolve as a person and improve my relationships with family, friends, co-workers, I ran accross many good books that had helped improve many of my communication skills. However, this book, with the descriptive and detailed examples, as well as pragmatic, candid, and scientific insights into the dynamics in communication between human beings, has finally opened my eyes to the dual reality of being both right and wrong at the same time (depending on what data I'm drawing my conclusion from). I was both startled and liberated to learn that I also contribute to the problem, because from this realization, I know that I can contribute to solving the problem as well. What I learned from this book has empowered me to be a better team member at work, a more supportive and caring wife and mother at home, and a better friend.
This is a true success tool!

I read this together for a negotiations class in law school. The book provides good insight and useful guidelines for a range of situations in personal and professional life. And, I would tend to disagree with another reader's review that says the book doesn't cover the situation "where I'm correct and the other person is wrong." Actually, Chapter 2 is entitled, "Stop Arguing About Who's Right," and is devoted entirely to this situation.

In a practical yet detailed manner, this book helps you to understand the issues surrounding tense discussions. You will develop a better understanding of why disagreements happen and the dynamics involved. The authors do a nice job of applying scientific studies to everyday life. The book lays out the three issues surrounding any disagreement. These issues are:
1. People don't agree on what really happened.
2. People experience various feelings about the disagreement.
3. A person's identity may be affected by the outcome of the disagreement.
This book can assist you in your work and personal relationships.
Kenneth McGhee - Author
Eleven Leadership Tips For Supervisors

It's not who's right...it's what's right. If you are a leader, this is a must read. How do you resolve conflicts on teams or hold people accountable? The first chapter outlines the three components of conflict..what happened, the emotion and the identity. There are useful thoughts on how to stay centered on your purpose while respecting the space that others are in. It's very easy to lead a team that gets along or to avoid conflict...the mark of a true leader is the ability to forge through those difficult conversations toward improvement.

EVERYONE should read this book and then read it again, and then maybe another time. This is the bible of how to communicate with others.

I picked mine up after hearing the authors speak at a conference and was simply blown away.

I use the information from this book every day and for EASY conversations. I have observed visible and significant improvements in my success in difficult conversations at work and at home.

This is a must read for anyone involved in communications - with your boss, your colleagues, your clients, your suppliers, your spouse or partner, your kids, your friends (have I missed anyone out?).

The book describes the 3 different levels of a conversation; the 'what happened' conversation, the 'feelings' conversation, and the 'identity' conversation. The joy is in the simplicity; we talk about 'what happened' but what we really mean is our feelings are hurt, or our identity has been questioned, and once we can sort it all out and speak truthfully about what is going on for us, it enables others to help us and understand us.

Its not an easy band aid and requires patience, tolerance, and a great deal of courage - but I think you'll agree that having truthful and open conversations would save us all a lot of pain and grief in the long term. So hurrah for this book for being easy to grasp, not jargoned, and very helpful.

This is an exceptional book. Not since picking up Stephen Covey's "Seven Habits of Highly Effective People" over 10 years ago have I come across a book that is destined to have great impact on both myself and millions of other readers.
In essence "Difficult Conversations" is a practical everyday guide for living and breathing Stephen's fifth habit - "Seek first to understand then to be understood". It can be thought of as a "conversational handbook" - applicable in both your personal and business lives. Recently married couples, parents of teenage children and newly appointed managers will find the book especially powerful.
The concepts are simple and if internalised could for eaxmple save the needless destruction of countless marriages. What excites me most is that it is so very readable and that its lessons are sufficiently simple that although it might take a life time to master - when applied you can see results in your own conversations and relationships immediately.
Although I've yet to find any reference to the discipline of "dialogue" (as developed by the physicist David Bohm) in the book - it falls squarely within this subject area.

This book seems to be an introduction into several other fields. I find that it covered the topic very intensely with good clarification. I have recommeded this book to colleagues, family, and friends. Thank You.

Buying this book is one of the best things I've done for myself in a long time. Within days of reading it I was having much more meaningful and productive conversations with my husband, co-workers, friends and family. I am a trained mediator and negotiator and still found the information in this book to go above and beyond my training. Although successful in negotiating for my company, I had a hard time standing up for my self on issues of a more personal nature - this book solved that problem almost immediately.

I borrowed the audiotape from the library. It was a really easy listen, I'm guessing it shouldn't take more than a day if you read the book.

The book really dives into the emotions of human, not the conversation. This really helped me finally value expressing emotions and not just my thoughts. Because even if we try to suppress our emotions and communicate, the emotions can subtly change the way we talk and behave.

It's a really good book to keep and read/listen over and over.

This book is like a mirror which displays your soul. You can carefully reconstruct past quarrel and learn more about yourself. Just when I bought this book I had a problem with a colleague, applying the messages of the book I was straight away to the core of the problem.
After reading this book I state that nothing will change about problems you will have in the future, but you are probably better equipped to deal with them and realise that it is not a shame to feel frustrated about the absolutely normal friction in a human life. And you will have a better sense of situations which will have to go wrong, and that it is not your fault, and there is no need to blame yourself that the world is not perfect.
There is just no perfect solution to end a relationship, something has to go hot, but - and that makes the difference - you can learn beyond which border it is just a hopeless attack on your soul without any contribution to a solution which doesn't exist.

Difficult Conversations, by Stone, Patton, and Heen, is a foundational book in the literature of holding difficult conversations in purposeful ways. I have read it often and use its principles in my teaching and in daily life. Underlying its principles is the simple understanding that we can get better at listening, talking, and acknowledging what is actually going on in our relationships; that we create the reality of our lives by the ways in which we talk about it; and that one conversation at a time, we can choose to work with the energy of conflict instead of avoiding it. There are many good books on this topic. I suggest reading them all, starting here.

Judy Ringer is the author of Unlikely Teachers: Finding the Hidden Gifts in Daily Conflict

While much of what the authors have written may be true, the book is full of too many examples and not enough explanation. My personal favorite was the argument between a man and his girlfriend over how much she eats, I found the "ideal" conversation to have been far-fetched.
I had to read this book for a class or I never would have picked it up. Basically it comes down to: consider the other person's viewpoint and act politely. If you can handle those couple of things, I may have just saved you having to read this book.

This book is an absolute treat! It is well written, well structured, and very complete. It does expain what happens in the difficult conversations that each of us will experience once in a while.

What I like best is that the book seems to be based upon the principes of Argyris, his ladder of inference and his Model I/Model II behaviour, and that they succeed to do it in a way that you can easily understand.

What I don't understand, and this is the only issue I have with this book, is that I have not found any reference to the underlying theories. This makes the book very readable, but a short index of authors of the theories used by the authors should have been included.

This book makes a great pair with 'The TAO of conversation' from Michael Kahn.

I read this in my early 30's and was able to understand the concepts and put them into practice. I purchased this and read it again recently (20 years later) and it was that much richer. The principals and examples in Difficult Conversations apply to personal relationships, sales, and management. Enjoy!

There were 3 aspects of this book that made a differecne for me: Thinking Differently, Making Shifts, and understanding the Structure found in all difficult conversations. If you understand these aspects it will significantly improve how well you handle difficult conversations.
This is about Thinking Differently-- 1. This is an approach. 2. It's not about doing differently; it's about thinking differently. 3. It's about shifting from a message delivery stance to a learning stance. 4. All difficult conversations have the same structure. The structure is almost always "below the surface." It is hidden in what people are thinking and feeling, but not saying.
Shifts (with this approach)-- We must shift our internal orientation: FROM: Certainty (I understand) TO: Curiosity (Help me understand); FROM: I am right TO: I am curious; FROM: I know what was intended TO:I know the impact; FROM: I know who is to blame TO: I know who contributed what; FROM: Debate TO: Exploration; FROM: Simplicity TO: Complexity; FROM: "Either/or" TO: "And".
Understanding the Structure-- 1. All difficult conversations share a common structure. To make the structure visible, we not only need to understand what was said, but also what was not said. We need to understand what the people involved are thinking and feeling, but not saying to each other. This is usually where the real action is. 2. What makes a conversation difficult? The gap between what you are really thinking and what you are saying is part of it. 3. Our thoughts and feelings of all difficult conversations fall into the same three categories, or "conversations". 4. And, in each of the conversations, we make predictable errors that distort our thoughts and feelings and get us in trouble. 5. There predictable errors can be overcome this specific strategies that the authors suggest.
I have developed workshops based on this material that we are finding very helpful in our hospital setting.
Spend some time with this book - it will be worth your while.

I found myself fascinated by the quality of the writing, the observations, what I actually learned and the usefullness of the information. I then shared my reading experience with others and encouraged them to pick up a copy.

They too, found the book more than worthwhile. I don't usually use word like "treasure" to describe books, but this was an exceptional read. If you want to understand how to improve your interpersonal relationships and your own motivations, get a copy. I think you'll enjoy this reading experience.

This book offers great advice that I can use on a daily basis in my relationships. As a physician, difficult conversations occur daily. This book helped me to recognize where some of my previous conversations have gone wrong and should help me gain the foresight I need to avoid repeating the same mistakes in the future. Looking forward to great results!

I'm a natural-born skeptic, but this e-book has transformed the way I have daily conversations with just about everyone. Instead of fearing (and avoiding) difficult or perceived-difficult topics, I now have a way to approach them!

This is a great book. The ideas are easy to follow and well structured. It makes perfect sense. I hope I can remember what this book taught me the next time I have a difficult conversation. I recommend this book to everyone who wants to improve their communication skills.

There's a lot to digest in this book, but if you want to learn about communication skills, how to speak to others in various situations, this book is most useful. I was personally interested in it regarding more personal reelationships, rather than business, however, all communication skils are important, in any setting. I feel that this book does provide a good platform for learning communication skills. I recommend this book along with another that has helped me tremendously called "Stop Being the String Along". I feel that if you really want to learn about communication, especially concerning romantic relationships, both books are really a must read.

Being a new corporate coach, I am always looking for resources to use and share with clients. This book has proven to be a very valuable reference personally and professionally. In fact it is becoming somewhat dog-eared from use. The insights and models have been useful for my (sometimes difficult)conversations with clients. Additionally, I share the techniques with clients and ask questions based on the book to help guide the client's development with having better conversations. Conversations are at the heart of all relationships, and are often overlooked in leadership development. For those who are ready to make some significant shifts in their leadership and relationship skills, or help others do so, this book is a great tool.

I have 3 bookshelves of books I've read, and this is the only one I'm keeping on my desk. If you were intriqued but bored by Goleman's Emotional Intelligence, this is the how-to guide. Simple to read, straighforward, but puts forth a lifelong challenge so you'll want to keep this book close at hand as you begin your learning journey.

Who hasn't had a stomach that gets twisted into a knot when thinking about "confronting" someone with a difficult conversation? Many of us play it safe and talk only about "facts" -- usually our interpretation of the facts. To be able to own and label our feelings and speak about them calmly and responsibly truly opens up a friendly space for deeper understanding. This book is gift to those seeking a practical approach to more meaningful communication. Once you've experienced true dialogue, you'll be hooked!

This is an excellent book. As a life coach working with couples, I was able to start using the ideas from this book from the very first day I started to read it. The examples are great and I was able to relate to many of them. It's amazing what a small shift in perspective when you first start a difficult conversation can have on the end result.

I recommend this book to all my clients and give it my top rating.

Eric P Landry

I have an audiobook copy of "Difficult Conversations" and I just finished listening to it. I felt compelled to come here and put in a good word for it. This book is excellent! I will listen to it many times I am sure, especially when I'm faced with a difficult conversation. The other reviews do a pretty good job describing the content of the book. I just had to say that everyone (and I want to say "should" but that would be stating an opinion disguised as a fact :)) can benefit from this book, and I'm confindent that that is indeed a fact!

As I was reading this book, I found myself reliving difficult conversations that I have had in the past, whether in my personal or professional life. Had I read this book a couple of years ago, I believe that some situations would have gone a different direction. Now that I have read it, future conversations will have a more positive approach.

I started off slowly -- I focused on listening and and acknowledging my "contribution." Now, not a day goes by where I don't pick up the book and use it to help me solve a problem. It's been a paradigm-shifting experience. I highly recommend it.

This book will help people with conversations we all have. Much of what you read will seem obviously correct even though you are not acting as the book suggests. A key point in the book is not to focus on blame but to look at the contributions of each party (i.e. what is going on that causes the problem.) In doing this you will figure out what needs to be done to solve the problems. This book is excellent! For a Masters in Dispute Resolution, I have read many books and none are better than this one. If you liked Getting to Yes or Getting Past No, You will like this book.

This book taught me a few things and gently reminded me of a few others. I had hoped that reading this book would make me better able to navigate difficult conversations. Instead, I found myself merely able to regain my composure faster *after* a difficult conversation. This benefit is valuable, but is not what I sought.

I found this to be a great book on how to approach interpersonal interactions. While the title is "Difficult Conversations" and the material applies most directly to that area, I have found that the advice in the book has impacted how I interact with people generally. I highly recommend this book to everyone.

same title

same authors

same publisher

same format

old page count: 250

new page count: 272

old ISBN: 014028852X

new ISBN: 014027782X

old publication date: 2000-04

new publication date: 2004-11-25

In case you happen to be viewing the

page which details the 014028852X (first Penguin),

you can upgrade to the 014027782X ('new' Penguin)

edition by typing or pasting 014027782X into the

the store.com Search box (then hit the Enter key).

In case you drive along parkways (no stop-and-go)

OR daily spend considerable time stuck in jams, I

recommend that you opt for the AudioCassette TAPE

(assuming that the obsolete audiotape format can

still be had when you read this). Should tape not

be available already pre-recorded ISBN: 0553525689

then order the audio Compact Disc ISBN: 0553456121

and transfer the audio CD's sound to a cassette. I

tell you this NOT to waste your precious time but

to enable you to better access specific portions

of the audio book ON TAPE, rather than trying to

pinpoint a part (paragraph or sentence) on CD. On

audiotape cassette (either copied from the CD or

somehow obtained as an original Random House tape)

you can fast-forward or replay tidbits (which tape

allows but CD does not). This is applicable to all

books (and music) on tape versus CD, not just this

title. I believe that the ability to instantly

REPLAY a given sentence (or phrase/word) by going

BACK on audiotape is more effective/efficient than

when one must be limited to the cues or tracks of

a CD.

Hope I helped somebody out there.

This volume hones in closer to the essential wisdom these researchers discuss in their earlier volumes of Building Relationships... and Getting To Yes. It provides sound rational guidance for those irrational experiences we all find ourselves in (and believe there is no hope). Their findings will also be a valuable template for those who coach others in how they might find a better way out of the most difficult situations.

I use the concepts presented in this book every week in conflict resolution sessions in the workplace. Every person involved in any difficult relationship at work, at home, at play (who isn't?) would benefit from a thorough study of this book.

Being a new corporate coach, I am always looking for resources to use and share with clients. This book has proven to be a very valuable reference personally and professionally. In fact it is becoming somewhat dog-eared from use. The insights and models have been useful for my (sometimes difficult)conversations with clients. Additionally, I share the techniques with clients and ask questions based on the book to help guide the client's development with having better conversations. Conversations are at the heart of all relationships, and are often overlooked in leadership development. For those who are ready to make some significant shifts in their leadership and relationship skills, or help others do so, this book is a great tool.

I have 3 bookshelves of books I've read, and this is the only one I'm keeping on my desk. If you were intriqued but bored by Goleman's Emotional Intelligence, this is the how-to guide. Simple to read, straighforward, but puts forth a lifelong challenge so you'll want to keep this book close at hand as you begin your learning journey.

Who hasn't had a stomach that gets twisted into a knot when thinking about "confronting" someone with a difficult conversation? Many of us play it safe and talk only about "facts" -- usually our interpretation of the facts. To be able to own and label our feelings and speak about them calmly and responsibly truly opens up a friendly space for deeper understanding. This book is gift to those seeking a practical approach to more meaningful communication. Once you've experienced true dialogue, you'll be hooked!

This is an excellent book. As a life coach working with couples, I was able to start using the ideas from this book from the very first day I started to read it. The examples are great and I was able to relate to many of them. It's amazing what a small shift in perspective when you first start a difficult conversation can have on the end result.

I recommend this book to all my clients and give it my top rating.

Eric P Landry

I have an audiobook copy of "Difficult Conversations" and I just finished listening to it. I felt compelled to come here and put in a good word for it. This book is excellent! I will listen to it many times I am sure, especially when I'm faced with a difficult conversation. The other reviews do a pretty good job describing the content of the book. I just had to say that everyone (and I want to say "should" but that would be stating an opinion disguised as a fact :)) can benefit from this book, and I'm confindent that that is indeed a fact!

Get ready to do some serious emotional growing if you buy this book. The format makes it easy to read and understand the concepts AND put them into action. Although I've recognized my own poor communication skills in the past, I never had a method to break those patterns. Now I do and I already notice a huge difference in the way I speak to others and how they respond- conversations about touchy subjects are becoming more intimate (a deeper connection with others) and more effective.
This book is for you if you're tired of: going on the defense or triggering others to be defensive, not being heard, feeling lousy after an argument, worrying about your identity (are you a good, competent, lovable person), and not being able to express yourself or not inviting others to express themselves.
Many blessings to you along your path!

As I was reading this book, I found myself reliving difficult conversations that I have had in the past, whether in my personal or professional life. Had I read this book a couple of years ago, I believe that some situations would have gone a different direction. Now that I have read it, future conversations will have a more positive approach.

I started off slowly -- I focused on listening and and acknowledging my "contribution." Now, not a day goes by where I don't pick up the book and use it to help me solve a problem. It's been a paradigm-shifting experience. I highly recommend it.

This book will help people with conversations we all have. Much of what you read will seem obviously correct even though you are not acting as the book suggests. A key point in the book is not to focus on blame but to look at the contributions of each party (i.e. what is going on that causes the problem.) In doing this you will figure out what needs to be done to solve the problems. This book is excellent! For a Masters in Dispute Resolution, I have read many books and none are better than this one. If you liked Getting to Yes or Getting Past No, You will like this book.

This book taught me a few things and gently reminded me of a few others. I had hoped that reading this book would make me better able to navigate difficult conversations. Instead, I found myself merely able to regain my composure faster *after* a difficult conversation. This benefit is valuable, but is not what I sought.

I found this to be a great book on how to approach interpersonal interactions. While the title is "Difficult Conversations" and the material applies most directly to that area, I have found that the advice in the book has impacted how I interact with people generally. I highly recommend this book to everyone.

same title

same authors

same publisher

same format

old page count: 250

new page count: 272

old ISBN: 014028852X

new ISBN: 014027782X

old publication date: 2000-04

new publication date: 2004-11-25

In case you happen to be viewing the

page which details the 014028852X (first Penguin),

you can upgrade to the 014027782X ('new' Penguin)

edition by typing or pasting 014027782X into the

the store.com Search box (then hit the Enter key).

In case you drive along parkways (no stop-and-go)

OR daily spend considerable time stuck in jams, I

recommend that you opt for the AudioCassette TAPE

(assuming that the obsolete audiotape format can

still be had when you read this). Should tape not

be available already pre-recorded ISBN: 0553525689

then order the audio Compact Disc ISBN: 0553456121

and transfer the audio CD's sound to a cassette. I

tell you this NOT to waste your precious time but

to enable you to better access specific portions

of the audio book ON TAPE, rather than trying to

pinpoint a part (paragraph or sentence) on CD. On

audiotape cassette (either copied from the CD or

somehow obtained as an original Random House tape)

you can fast-forward or replay tidbits (which tape

allows but CD does not). This is applicable to all

books (and music) on tape versus CD, not just this

title. I believe that the ability to instantly

REPLAY a given sentence (or phrase/word) by going

BACK on audiotape is more effective/efficient than

when one must be limited to the cues or tracks of

a CD.

Hope I helped somebody out there.

This volume hones in closer to the essential wisdom these researchers discuss in their earlier volumes of Building Relationships... and Getting To Yes. It provides sound rational guidance for those irrational experiences we all find ourselves in (and believe there is no hope). Their findings will also be a valuable template for those who coach others in how they might find a better way out of the most difficult situations.

I use the concepts presented in this book every week in conflict resolution sessions in the workplace. Every person involved in any difficult relationship at work, at home, at play (who isn't?) would benefit from a thorough study of this book.

This book is well written, easy to read, and full of very good, "real life" examples. Many of the concepts presented seem like common sense... yet at the same time they generate "ah ha" moments. Personally, I think this book could be life altering if put into practice- both professionally and personally.

Have you ever had a challenging conversation with a spouse, co-worker, friend, or family member that didn't turn out so well? Did you ever wonder how to best deal with a significant person in your life without causing stress when needing to approach a topic? The authors give great advise to handle most conversations that might otherwise cause stress.

I love this book. I loved it the first time I read it, the second time, the third, and more. It's a must for anyone interested in getting more from their relationships. An absolute must read!!!

This book helped me overcome hurdles at work and may have saved my professional reputation. I can't say enough good things about the book. If your a manager or deal with a lot of conflict in the workplace this book is a lifesaver. You should absolutely read it and put it to good use.

Thank god for this book. Already I've learned how to communicate better with people. This is the kind of book everyone should read. If every person read this book, the world would be a much better place.

The book offers practical advice about how to navigate difficult conversations--all of which require patience and practice. Imagine if everyone in your life had read this book...we could all be so much more productive, effective and honest in our communications.

This is the kind of book that you wish everyone you know and interact with would read. And then you realize that the people who need to read this book the most - probably won't. This is an awesome look at how people communicate with each other, and how to make changes so that you can truly be heard, or more importantly truly hear what other people are trying to say to you.

Those looking for help in communicating with others will be pleased with this book. It covers more content than others I have read (and I've read a few). I would definately recommend this over crucial conversations and a singnificant majority of others books out there. I'm one who understand the need for a balance of soft skills with hard results. It is a good one to have.

This is the most thought-out negotiation book I could ever think of. The authers led me to the comprehensive understanding of all elements of negotiation so that their guidance will absolutely work. This book changed me to enjoy engaging in emotionally charged difficult negotiation. Now I can be so much creative while improving my integrity and then feeling so good about myself. Yes, this is what most people already gave up on long time ago, but the structured approach in this book brought me to true joy in the most challenging negotiation. //

If you really want to improve your verbal communications on all levels of your life, look no further. This 5 CD audiobook is the way to go. I've read and studied literally everything out there;this is truly a set of tactics that really work with your work, spouse, kids, anybody. I wish this book had been available ten years ago. I would recommend this work to anyone who really cares about listening and expressing themselves better.

Maybe you have been thinking about conversations but, really, this is an enlightment. Maybe there are other methods worth of learning but this is a impressive dissection of what a conversation is, helping you to understand, perhaps for the first time, how to talk, how to chat, how to discuss, how to have a win-win conversation. There is an audiobook slightly abridged if you like.

This is a book with a lot in it. There is advice for handling all kinds of difficult situations -- its easy to understand and simple to read, but it is going to take a while to try out all of their advice. What I've tried so far has worked really well though. I sent it to my brother and after he read a couple of chapters it was easier to deal with him about our familiy's summer place.
I highly recommend it.

The scenarios written in this book are very versatile and can be easily related to real life situations. The writings on the various ways to handle a difficult situation is rewarding. Recommend this book highly for students as well as professionals.

Every area of my life has improved after reading and using the techniques in this book. It not only demonstrates techniques but allowed me to question why I say the things I do. It improved my self confidence and has made me a better listener. I highly recommend it.

This book is unbelievably applicable. Its learnings come to mind everyday, through conversation, television, anything.

Takes awhile to get through it because it's soooo powerful. I'm working on my communication skills at my new job, but this book applies to anyone's life. A MUST read!!!

Very disappointing, thin material presented in double space format and large type to bulk up a thinly veiled version of family therapy technique. The chapter on Listening is particularly facile and lacking any rigor or new ideas apart from bashing active listening. Urging the importance of "authenticity" is pricelessly ironic from our lawyer authors. I was hoping for some new ideas but was presented with the pablum of family therapy techniques watered down for the masses. Forget this book despite the heavy duty PR blurb on the covers extolling its virtues.

Reading this book has changed the way I look at my conversations and relationships. It opened my eyes to becoming more effective with co-workers, family and friends. I have recommended this book to everyone that I have talked to that wants to make their home or work relationships better. This is a must for everyone's bookshelf.

Difficult Conversations is a great book for learning how to communicate. If you've ever felt misunderstood, or have had trouble trying to be clear about what you are trying to get others to understand, this is an excellent book that will help you do just that! It makes a big difference!