Overcoming Destructive Patterns and Reclaiming Yourself (Fawcett Book)

I have to admit I have not completed the book but almost -I liked the clear, friendly language - and the ability to categorize the different types of emotional abuse, and in many cases, what is behind it.

Excellent book for those coping with abuse, those helping others to cope and those educating others. What is most helpful are the characteristics and stories that help you and others identify abusive behavior. I think should be a mandatory read for all females at some point in their lives, hopefully earlier than later.

I have just started my journey to recovery. This book has helped me face the truth about my childhood as well as my adult life. I am beginning to realize the bad patterns I have adopted and the reason for them through reading this book.

While this book touches on many truths regarding emotionally abused women and thier abusers, it starts from a flawed premise. That premise being that ALL emotionally abused women were abused as children in one way or another and that is why the woman choses abusive partners and even friends all through her life. Not ALL women who are emotionally abused come from an abusive childhood, to say so is an irresponsible commentary on the subject. I find the book "Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft a more in depth and on target handling of the subject.

Oftentimes a book from a prior decade loses its power because the references it alludes to are out of sync with today. There are a few instances like that you'll notice while reading this self-help book first published in the 1990s, but the guidance it gives remains both potent and practical. Women who are focused on others to excess, who will not give up on people who are abusing alcohol or drugs, who allow others to make endless demands on their time and affection will find comfort and help between the covers of this book. Having read it long ago, I recently dug it out for a woman who said she felt like she was losing her emotional balance and did not know how to fix herself. After one weekend of reading, her attitude had shifted and she began to regain her equilibrium. The author focuses on the damage caused by emotional and verbal abuse, which had not been widely talked about before the 90s. She outlines a framework for building self-esteem and emphasizes that taking care of ourselves is a personal responsibility. The information in this book helps women connect the dots and see how early abuse yields a victim who has too few boundaries as an adult. Against the current backdrop of unimaginable physical assaults against women all over the world, this book is an essential tool for women who live in abusive situations or have suffered childhood abuse and are struggling to make sense of it all.

This book is more suited to women who seem to enter relationships with emotionally abusive partners. But in the case of emotional abuse coming from one's adult son, or an adult son-in-law it is not helpful with any solutions. One cannot easily free themselves from a son-in-law while maintaining a relationship with beloved daughter and grandchildfren without damaging the relationship with the daughter who loves her husband. One cannot free themselves from a son without losing the relationship with one's grandchildren - an ace up the sleeve of the abusers to keep you in your place because you have too much to lose by cutting these abusers out of your life. The tactics of these abusers is well explained, at least it helps with the "Ah Ha!! Moment" of realizing what game is really being played at your expense. But the solutions are not found in this book for this kind or problem.

Horrible book. As someone who works with survivors of partner abuse as my job, I know this book perpetuates many very damaging and incorrect myths. I actually threw the book away because I didn't want more people reading it and learning to believe in stereotypes. I've never thrown away a book before.

This book let in on something that I had never realized was so huge. My father was an alcoholic, but he did not drink at home. Sure my parents fought all the time, but he was never drunk in front of us, or mean to us (he was mean to mom though). What he did was leave for days on end while binge drinking. We wouldn't hear from him for days and we always thought he was dead. Like every weekend. I now know this was physical and emotional abandonment and this in fact was abuse. I never saw it like that before.

This has set the stage for my impression of relationships and marriage. I can see it all now why I picked my husband why I'm in this situation now. Normalcy never even existed for me! (This also set me on a quest for more books along the Adult Children of Alcoholics lines, as I really didn't know my past plays such a huge factor.)

Overall, I feel I have high self esteem - where as the book went over and over how low you must feel about yourself. I didn't feel that was true and I shared it with my counselor. What I learned in therapy is esteem can be departmentalized. I can be successful at my job, school, music - but just not so great in my relationships. I can see this now. I remember thinking "wow he's not going to disappear on me for days! I must be the luckiest girl on earth!" Sadly I did not know there was so much more than that - until now, 6 years later into my marriage. I am now realizing how wrong things are in my marriage and how unhealthy alot of things were. I just accepted it as normal.

What I am experiencing, I still am not sure if it's emotional abuse. The book said it needed to be constant. This isn't very constant. I don't fit all the profiles, neither does he. He does do some of the emotional abuse explanations. In the section "Deciding to leave" the part about questioning your sanity (I am so doing this as he really gets me to doubt myself and my perception of what is going on) and the lack of respect (I feel he doesn't respect me or my interests/passions/family/etc yet he feels he does) - those two really hit home to me. So if I have 2 out of the 6 reason you should leave, is that enough to leave?

Do we have to fit all or most of the book in order to listen to what it's telling us? What if half (or less) of it is true for my situation?

I read this book after I had gotten out of a controlling abusive relationship, but my child still had to spend quite a deal of time with my ex-spouse. (who eventually was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder) I needed this validation and support to face the many challenges that I would.... I recommend it often and it always has the same empowering effect. God Bless Beverly Engel.

Read this one and you won't have to read shelves and shelves of other self-help books. The truth within it _is_ startling as another reviewer mentioned. I've reread this many times over the years since someone recommended it to me. Most of it has been underlined, the margins are filled with notes. It's wonderful to reread it and finally see that you have no abusers in your life anymore.

The principles within it will also help you with making decisions about counselors and therapists and assorted other helpers. Don't accept abuse from them either. Frankly, if this is your issue, I wouldn't see a therapist who hasn't read this book.

Get Encouragements for the Emotionally Abused Woman, too. They go very well together and both are worth the money.

Very insightful and helpful book. The only thing I didn't like was it was more for people still in toxic relationships, not for those who left them and are trying to heal. It definitely is very eye openings and therapeutic.

this was the most informative book , I learned a lot about myself and I'm not alone in this journey of healing I recommend this book to all women of an alcoholic parent and that has always been a victim you will learn who you are and why you have lived in chaos for too long

... it might give you some clarity about why you feel bad about yourself when you haven't been able to quite label it yet!

I recognized so much of myself in there. There are parts that do not pertain to me, so I just skipped over them, no biggie (for example, I did not have an abusive childhood). But extremely helpful: especially part four about healing and moving on with recovery. This was very helpful since I had moved out of my abusive relationship. I'm added the Encouragement book to my wish list.

I was glad I read the 5 star customer reviews here. Once therapy helps you to realize the abuse then this wonderful book can take over the nuts and bolts of your recovery. Engel explains everything very clearly into the what- when- wheres- and why's of emotional abuse and its effects on you. Most importantly she explains the pitfalls of the emotionally abused woman and how she sets up her life (subconciously) for repeated abuse. Engels doesn't leave out the ways to help yourself recover. I plan to read this book again and in my opinion this book qualifies as the bible for adult women who have been emotionally abused as children. Thank you past reviewers!!! And yes I can really see how this book would be fabulous for group therapy. It is very easy to read.

I had just gone through an agonizing break-up with my fiancée when my therapist recommended this book. She had sensed a pattern of abuse in my descriptions of the relationship, starting with possessiveness, coupled with control and emotional berating, and eventually turning toward physical violence. I was in such a state of guilt and shame that I was still blaming myself for my ex-'s behavior. Within the first two chapters of this book, I read accounts of abuse and recognized common tactics of abusers that my ex- had demonstrated to a T. I also learned to spot the ways in which I enabled him to treat me that way, and what steps I needed to take to ensure I would never fall into that trap again. Most importantly, this book allowed me to put the responsibility of the abuse squarely where it belonged and convince myself I deserved better. I only wish I had had this information and inspiration at the first signs of abuse, so I could have recognized it for what it was and gotten out with my confidence wholly in tact. I wish fellow readers in similar situations the courage to do just that.

I disagree with the reviewer who stated:

"The author suggests that emotionally abused women are a certain type, as if they set themselves up for the abuse and/or are drawn to it. If you believe that rape victims are somewhat responsible when violated because of the way they dressed or behaved, then you may be able to get past the first few pages of this book, otherwise, this book is not for you.

Emotional abuse can and does happen to women who experienced no form of abuse whatsoever in their childhood. These women can be intelligent, attractive, and self-assured. Often the abuse is so undetected, a form of brainwashing, that who they are actually changes over time so that those qualities are not as prevalent. The woman is not at fault for the abuse, despite her own interpersonal weaknesses, she is not the cause."

The reason why I disagree with the commentary above is because this book is for those who have a PATTERN of ending up in abusive relationships. End up in one abusive relationship, shame on that person. End up in a series of abusive relationships and one really could benefit from exploring why she is so drawn to the same type of individual (abuser!) repeatedly.

If you feel compelled to compare emotional abuse to rape then one could ask, "If you walked down a particular alley and were raped, certainly that would not be your fault. But would you keep walking down that same alley time and again, knowing that a rapist was awaiting you at the other end?" The fact is that most abusive partners exhibit what are called 'red flag warnings' early enough into the union so that a woman who is astute to these, and who knows how to set firm boundaries, can oftentimes spare herself the grief of being abused yet again. At the least, she can extricate herself from the relationship ASAP once she recognizes that she is being abused.

Therefore, the pervasive message of this book is NOT that women are to blame for being abused, but that with awareness they have a CHOICE as to whether or not to go down that same alley again. They can decide who they get involved with/remain involved with and why. This is an empowering message; a lot more so than telling women, "You are completely powerless when it comes to your relationships. No matter what you think, choose, say, or do if you are going to be a victim of abuse, you are going to be a victim of abuse. Accept it." Yikes!

There are different stages of recovery for targets of emotional abuse. One of the earlier stages often enough being to `blame' others for their own issues, choices, and the predicaments they find themselves in once they realize they are being abused and are, understandably, quite angry and defensive about this. Whereas, the conclusive stage of recovery is one of self-responsibility; whereupon the now former target of emotional abuse takes back her power by taking responsibility for her own issues, choices, and the predicaments she finds herself in from hereon in. This book, and an exceptional one at that, is for those who are ready to be more responsible and break the pattern of emotionally abusive relationships in their lives!

This book challenged me to be more assertive toward my abuser. It also made me realize that I am not alone going through this abuse. It also helped me to see what kind of abuser my father really was. I had to look deep inside myself because of the pain that I have endured. Most of all this book helped me to move beyond my pain and accept it as being real. I thought to myself that this is how a parent was supposed to parent a child. Boy, was I wrong! Any woman that has gone through this abuse needs to get this book for their well being. I also found out within myself the traits that I got from the abuser and that I can change the way I act toward other people in a meaniful way! This book was a life saver! The author knows what she is talking about! This book lets me be myself and it gives me hope. There is light at the end of the tunnel!

This book worth the read. There were areas of my life I had never addressed as far as dealing w/ the abuse, until I read Engel's book. Emotional abuse tends to get overlooked in this society. Therefore, I recommend this book to anyone who is in or has been in an abusive relationship. Great guidelines, exercises, & ways to address the abuse in your life.

I bought this book to gain a greater understanding of the dynamics of my emotionally abused friend. It was like this book was written about her!
Author, Beverly Engels knows her subject well. Her therapeutic expertise shows you how to recognize and understand the abusers in your life. There are indentifing patterns that show where you are emotionally trapped & advice on how to remove yourself from these destructive patterns.
An interesting point is that the abused equally contributes to the sickness of the relationship as the abuser does! You cannot have one without the other!
This is a MUST READ for anyone in this sitution and for those loved ones who desire to have an understanding of this nightmare. There is great hope should you desire to have a healthly life!

This book was good and helped me alot to deal with an abusive husband. It answered many questions for me and helped me to move forward. However, the book always went back to the abuse beginning in childhood...I don't feel that is true for everyone. I wasn't abused as a child but I have been emotionally abused by my husband for 25 yrs, since I married young maybe that could count....regardless, this book is a great start for dealing with an abusive person in your life.

The first step to healing from abuse, whether it's mental, physical, emotional, or verbal, is realization of the problem. Secondly, it is the courage to face it. Finally, the willingness to do something about it. This book lays it out on the table! Everyone has boundaries and rights, which are stolen from the victim by the abuser. There ARE steps one can take to regain control of his/her life. So get a tablet, pen, and highlighter, open the book, and get going. You CAN do this. Abuse is in epidemic proportions, so it is not a bad idea to read this even before dating or beginning a relationship. By knowing the signs of abuse, you could avoid a bad relationship before it starts.

Reading this book was possibly one of the best things to happen to me. I had just left a bad longterm relationship, but was still being sought by my ex-partner, and was having great difficulty understanding what had happened/was happening. I had not considered that I'd been abused. This book is so clear in demonstrating the methods and types of (not only emotional) abuse! As I read it, I felt as if the author was explaining my life to me. One of the best things about the book is that Beverly does not foster hate for or revenge on the person that did this to you; instead she showed me how heal, to strengthen and how to move on with my life as a better person.

I found this book to be essential to read, while on the road to healing. Because i had overcome so many different aspects. Its kind of shocking to admit how much we really tolerated or accepted.(Whether as children or as an adult.) This is a must read for anyone trying to heal; from not only an abusive relationship but also for child abuse victims.

This book helped me to see my situation for what it was--and really opened my eyes. The abuse I was experiencing began as verbal/emotional and escalated into physical. The book was loaned to me by a friend and I cannot put into words how much it helped to read the scenarios that seemed to be exactly what I was going through. Beverly Engel offered step by step help, first explaining the situations, how to identify my role, and how to deal with it. Taking her advice to heart, I am happy to report that I was able to safely leave my abusive relationship and have gone on to help others in the same situation. The book is helpful for all types of abuse, not just emotional. The book is also wonderful to use in conjuction with therapy. Thank you Beverly for being there!!!

People loved to abuse me - in evey way - and I let them - for years and years. Men like to hit - and hurt. They stole my soul - and left nothing in its place. I was lost - I used and abused drugs - was promiscious - and delved into flamenco dancing. but nothing helped. One day I walked to the bookstore - my husband had taken my car keys away because of the booze - and i found this book - and her other one - and changed my life. And found my soul. No there is no more booze and no more hurt - just fun and laughter 24/7. Thanks Bev.

This is an excellent book for anyone who is experiencing emotional abuse or thinks they may be experiencing emotional abuse. It's broken down into categories very well, easy to read and easy to comprehend. I'll be giving workshops about emotional abuse and I plan to use this book as my guide. I'm also a victim of emotional abuse and I can honestly say -- I saw myself all over the pages of this book. It's well worth the money. I'd actually pay twice as much now that I've read it.

Anyone who believes they are in an abusive marriage should read this book. It illuminated so much for me, it encouraged me, it helped me better understand my patterns of behaviour - and most importantly, how to break them. 3 years out of an emotionally abusive marriage, I STILL refer back to this book and re-read chapters. It is simply the most important book I have ever read.

I read this book two years ago and decided to use it with the Empowerment Group I co-facilitate at a domestic violence agency in Michigan. The group loved the book! They felt that it provided them with much needed information regarding emotional abuse -- what it is, why it happens, how to deal with it. We would only get through a few ideas at a time because of the conversation it would generate. All told, it probably took us a full year to get through the book. I would definately recommend this book for survivors and providers!

This book is so right on in every way! It addresses what emotional abuse is, why we choose to get in these kind of relationships, looking at the past/family, and how to deal with the problems today in constructive, appropriate ways. I highly recommend it if you feel you or a friend needs to learn more about relationships that aren't working or aren't equal. You may be surprised at what you learn, especially if you've been in denial. A real eye-opener.

I purchased this book because I was "advised" by a friend that I was being emotionally abused. I purchased the book... that night, I couldn't put it down! It has a great deal of information. Also, I found myself, making less excuses for the actions of my significant ofther, making me realize how much better off I am without him in my life. I highly recommend this book to anyone who has a doubt about being emotionally abused.

Personally, I believe this book and other "older" domestic abuse/violence books linger a bit too long on the idea of codependency. I do not think abused people are necessarily co-dependent (although some are). Nevertheless, it is one I read and benefited from when I was deciding whether or not to leave my husband.

I believe this is a good book to teach someone how to respond

to negative comments or innuendos without being hurt by others words.

That doesn't mean shutting off conversation but rather being able to state your own ideas without feeling put down.

It is about the patterns we develop that Allows others words to hurt us. This is about Not allowing and reclaiming our own worth.

There are some good ideas to be had here that aren't

confrontational but rather empowering to one's self esteem.

I found this book extremely helpful as an emotionally abused woman. I highly recommend it to anyone who has ever experienced that kind of abuse. It made me understand how the abuse occured and what I can do to prevent it in the future. This is a must read.

This book captures the true pain of what so many folks go through when addicted to another. I highly recommend.

John D. Moore

---

Author of Confusing Love with Obsession

When You Can't Stop Controlling Your Partner & the Relationship

This is a scary subject and one that hits home with me. I'm in the process of overcoming destructive patterns and reclaiming myself. Very insightful wonderful book for people who in many cases have NO support.

I was so appalled by the first sentences in this book that I would never buy it. This book may be excellent for some woman but should not be titled The Emotionally Abused Woman. Perhaps the Overcoming Destructive Patterns and Reclaiming Yourself is accurate, and these women may have been emotionally abused.

The author suggests that emotionally abused women are a certain type, as if they set themselves up for the abuse and/or are drawn to it. If you believe that rape victims are somewhat responsible when violated because of the way they dressed or behaved, then you may be able to get past the first few pages of this book, otherwise, this book is not for you.

Emotional abuse can and does happen to women who experienced no form of abuse whatsoever in their childhood. These women can be intelligent, attractive, and self-assured. Often the abuse is so undetected, a form of brainwashing, that who they are actually changes over time so that those qualities are not as prevalent. The woman is not at fault for the abuse, despite her own interpersonal weaknesses, she is not the cause.

Psychobabble. I have been in an emotionally abusive relationship. My "inner child" didn't need to go on a quest backward through time to find my "original abuser." The simple fact is that I fell in love with a guy that over time could be a real jerk. It took time for me to realize that the good times, which did outnumber the bad times, were so qualitatively bad that no amount of love was worth. Period. End.

There is nothing wrong with you for still loving someone who is abusive. Emotional abuse is not the victims fault. You can help your abusive partners narcissism by forming a support network and limiting their abusive behaviour. If I had followed the advice in this book I would have lost my family. My husband is better now. Get a different opinion from someone who saved her marriage and didn't take years to heal. [...]