How Learning to Listen Can Improve Relationships - The Lost Art of Listening

This was suggested to my by my professor and I really don't feel like it gives me anything I haven't already learned in my undergrad and now grad classes in counseling. For a non student I can see where this could be helpful.

This hardly feels like an objective account and tutorial on active listening. The whole thing reeks of bias and coloring of a therapist turned author who has created a text to compliment his own line of therapy and counseling. The paradigm of the male / female relationships and social structure is outdated and borderline offensive. Honestly surprised this text was selected given the multitude of similar writings available on the market. Conclusions drawn rarely focus on more than one possible cause or motivation. The tasteless “old joke” about the patient who jumps out a window to impress his feeling upon his therapist is clearly someone who was being compelled to read this book.

WOW! This is awesome to have this book out on Audible! I actually have the first edition and got it when it was first published. It is my go-to when teaching my nursing staff about therapeutic communication with our elderly veterans in our VA nursing home. Michael Nichols has captured the pure essence of the many facets of listening, and why we don't do it well anymore. There is a "rule" I took from this book, and that is the "5-second Rule"- when the other person is talking to you, and you respond with your thoughts in less than 5 seconds, you have not heard what they were saying because you were thinking of your response. It is important that we spend that time taking in what the other is saying, and THEN take a pause before answering. It shows the other that we are processing their information to give them a response. I highly recommend this book for anyone learning, or teaching, anyone who will be communicating with others in any capacity. As a nurse and a counselor, I would highly recommend it as part of the text list for a course.

Michael Nichols in The Lost Art of Listening approaches listening from a psychological perspective. He combines psychological theory with communication theory. But the book is not merely an academic approach to listening. It’s highly practical. Many of us in ministry have taught communication theory as part of discipleship, so many of his principles are not new; however, his emphases are like a refresher course in the skills of empathic listening- a course I expect we all need. I certainly appreciated some of the reminders that I not fall into “bad habits” of partial listening.
The book has a fair amount of redundancy as Michael Nichols approaches the principles of listening from many different angles- why people don’t listen, letting go of your own needs, how to convey empathy, and how to listen well in the context of intimate relationships, parent/child relationships, work, and friendships. He gives many practical examples of where relationships get bogged down and then offers many constructive ways to improve or restore strained or broken relationships. A worthwhile read. M.L. Codman Wilson, Ph.D. 11/13/15

Hi Michael,

Just wanted to send you a quick note and say Thank you!

I bought and read The Lost Art of Listening a few months ago and can't really express how much it's helped.

What your book has taught me is that listening and giving yourself fully to the other person actually gives me more power. It is counter intuitive, but not being in control of a conversation gives me more opportunity throughout the communication to be influential. (Not sure if I make sense when I say that)

Since reading your book my relationship with my spouse and my closest friend has become more multi-dimensional. Our feeling towards each other feel more personal and less transnational.

After my first read through of your book I have ten pages of notes. Some highlighted areas that are making a big difference for me are:
1. Un-shared thoughts make us less-authentic. A good listener can help us un-layer the other person so they can better define themselves. (Such a major key)
2. People have assets and they have limitations. If you pitch your expectations at their assets instead of their limitations, you stand a better change of being heard.

I know business can be a grind and you deal with a lot of weirdos.

So, I wanted to send you a note and say keep up the good work.

If I can ever be of help with anything, please don't hesitate to reach out.

-Randy
[...]

This book will take you on a journey in the art of listening. Listening to this book in audible format is best. I felt as if I was getting tens of thousands of dollars worth of therapy sessions in a book. Learning about listening is much deeper than sound waves to your ears. It's the key to meaningful relationships whether it's personal or business. It will be hard not become a better person after reading/listening to this one.

Michael Nichols' book, 'The Lost Art of Listening: How Learning to Listen Can Improve Relationships', is a wonderful tool for making listening, which is so often taken for granted and so often misunderstood, a truly effective tool in your hands.
--Why is listening important?--
A basic question, and on the surface, a rather simple one. But too often we are preoccupied with ourselves to hear and give sufficient empathy to the other to really hear what is being said. Most of us think we are better listeners than we in fact are, but of course, most of us assume we are better communicators than we are. Quite often we fall into competitive conversationalism; we are busy thinking about our next statement rather than listening to what is being said.
Being heard also means being taken seriously. It is a true hearing, not a simple reassurance (which may not be warranted or realistic); it helps to shape self-respect, and makes the difference between being accepted and being isolated. This means that the listener must be keyed in to her or his own experience and 'listening agenda', those unspoken and subconscious assumptions being made that fill in the gaps when a conversation is going on.
'There is a big difference between showing interest and being interested.'
--Why don't people listen?--
Listening requires a suspension of self, which is very hard to do. It requires suspending judgement, which is often counter-intuitive. 'But they asked my opinion', might be the reply. Of course they did, because our conversational conventions require that, but in fact they often didn't want an opinion, but rather a listener.
Nichols gives a few examples of this non-listening, which often involve the following phrases:
'That reminds me of the time...' (i.e., 'I can top that...')
'Oh, how awful!' (i.e., 'You poor, helpless thing. Here's another mess you got yourself into')
'Well, if I were you...' (i.e., 'Stop whining and do something')
'Have you hear the one about...?' (i.e., 'Never mind what you were saying, because it's boring...')
We all have unspoken, and often unperceived, prejudices about what people should think, feel, and be. This comes from family and community influences, and makes us predisposed to hear or not to hear certain things.
Of course, some don't hear things because of emotionality. This is particularly relevant if what is being said is in any way critical or in the nature of a reproof. Even if we've asked for it, we don't want to hear it. Often, emotions only seem irrelevnat or inappropriate if we don't know the memory of the listener. Often, our tone of voice dictates whether or not there will be a hearing of what we say--and this is difficult, because we often hear what we feel like, not what we sound like. 'The universal human vulnerability to criticism is related to the universal yearning for love and approval.'
--Being heard and learning to listen--
Nichols concludes with two sections on useful applications of the ideas presented on how we fail to hear and communicate. These are put in family, workplace, and social contexts, and Nichols shows how to diffuse emotionality and concentrate more of the other person to facilitate communication. However, 'Better listening doesn't start with a set of techniques. It starts with making a sincere effort to pay attention to what's going on in your conversational partner's private world of experience.'
For understanding, you must show you understand and appreciate what is being said. Also, one must not be afraid of silence, for it is into the silence that the truth can be spoken. Of course, this must be an 'active silence', appropriate in length, and involve other indications (physical cues, eye contact, etc.) that active listening is still going on. 'The reason we care so much about being listened to is that we never outgrow our need to communicate what it feels like to live in our separate, private worlds of experience. Unfortunately, there is no parallel need to be the one who listens. Maybe that's why listening sometimes seems to be in short supply. Listening isn't a need we have; it's a gift we give.'

When my wife left me, instead of telling me there was another guy, she was grasping at straws when she blurted out, "You never listen to me." She didn't have the guts to tell me there was someone else, so I thought this was something I could fix. Lost Art was one of many books I bought in an effort to "fix" myself and save my marriage.

Of the books I purchased about listening, this book was the only one worth what I paid for it. There are some really terrible books out there on this subject.

Part two of my story.....

My father was a man of few words......especially over the phone. When I read Lost Art, I finally understood the "dynamic" between him and I. Phone conversations which used to last a minute or two were now lasting thirty minutes. One conversation we had was about an hour long and at the end of it, he told me that he loved me (which is a big deal in my family).

A month later, my father went into intensive care. Three months after that he passed away. I'm so happy that we had those conversations because I don't feel like we left anything unsaid between us.

As for my marriage, it's over. However, my soon to be ex and I get along very well. I won't say that we are good friends because that would be a lie. But I do beleive we are getting along a lot better than we would have if I had never read this book. I don't believe she left me because of my lack of listening skills, but I do believe that we are getting along so well because of these new skills.

I have an optimistic view of this book. I found it at a discount book store. I had just recently ended a terrible relationship. I was searching for reasons as to why it was so bad. This book answered those questions. Reading this book with a critical mind, with an open mind, with the courage to hold myself accountable for that which I was responsible was the best thing I ever did for myself.

This book examines the prevelant culture of hearing but not listening. We all exemplify the adage, "in one ear, out the other". This book is one of the first steps anyone needs to take to rid themselves of that digusting tendency to think of a response rather than listening. The book examines why it is we do not listen, whether it be for defensive reasons or offensive reasons. This book lays bare before the reader his or her own psyche. You will read passages about people, and you will say that is me, that is what I do to my loved ones. Rather than chastising you for it, he understands why you do it. He helps you understand why you do it.

The book is not all critical, though. After every insight he presents about why we do not listen, he presents exercises, that I did in my head with fictitious interlocutors, that help you understand how to listen in the future. At first, the exercises sound dorky and lame, hence why I did them in my head. However, even that helps you solidify them into habits. You will find that as you practive the exercises you will begin to habituate yourself to them. You will use a technique he suggests with a real person and the benefits will be astronomical. The reinforcement will give you more confidence to try other techniques. You will quickly become the person everyone wants to talk to.

I think that everyone should read this book; study this book. If we all read this book, and internalized its messages, I suspect we would get along better. And, I will say it, I think the world would be a much better place. As I said, I have an optimistic view of this book.

After reading the title of Michael Nichols's book The Lost Art of Listening: How Learning to Listen Can Improve Relationships, I immediately flipped to page one, and my interest was captured by its introduction. I knew I had to buy it, and I'm very glad I did. Nichols brilliantly covers a variety of interesting points concerning listening issues in a variety of relationships. He stresses the important points of effective listening, which are being attentive, appreciative, and affirmative. In order to hear the other individual out, people must suspend their own needs (memory, desire, and judgment) and attentively listen. As I read through this book, I pinpointed certain chapters that I could relate to, and others I could definitely use as reference in the future. Nichols gives examples through the first-hand scenarios he has observed; some of these he's worked with for twenty years as a psychoanalyst and family therapist. His accounts not only helped me discover my listening problems within my everyday situations, but also helped me acknowledge how detrimental they were to the situations.

Essentially, this is the book for all readers. Everyone can benefit from the helpful advice provided in this book and apply it to their everyday lives. Through good listening, we can learn from others, help others, and receive the same effective listening if applied in the right way. This book, no doubt, will change the way you perceive listening. I definitely recommend this book. It is worth every penny!

THE LOST OF ART LISTENING was a book that I read in my college Listening class. The book has a lot of helpful advice and good ideas that if incorporated into people's lives will help them become better listeners. Basically, the book's overall theme is that listening takes work and if we're going to be better listeners, we have to be willing to actually take time to hear people out and understand what they are saying to us, without worrying about what we are going to say next. Though I think the book is worthwhile reading, it is rather repetitive and the author unneedingly repeats himself over and over. Also, though some parts of the book are based off of research and years of experience in counseling, some of the ideas are just the author's own thoughts and opinions and shouldn't be taken for complete truth. Overall, THE LOST ART OF LISTENING is a good book that can help one find the lost art and bring it into one's life.

We swim in a sea of activity. People today are bombarded with words from every direction: instructions from parents and teachers; emails from friends or people who just want to forward messages to everyone; rhetoric from politicians; and messages from the media. People day have stopped listening; they merely hear words. Dr. Nichols has brought us back to one of the fundamental issues of communication: we need to hear what people are trying to say. His insightful book is a reminder that we cannot close our minds and hearts while opening our ears. This book is a great tool for all people who want to relate to and connect with people. Frankly, as a Christian minister myself, I think this book is essential for all church leaders . . . laypersons and professionals alike. But this book is essential reading for parents. I truly believe that if this book had been available 20 years ago, I would have been a much better parent. Although some of his terminology gets technical, this is the exception rather than the rule. Nichols communicates clearly and foundationally for a wide range of readers. And this is not a book you read only once. I will return to this book periodically just to be reminded of how important it is to listen to people.

I am still reading this book, taking my time because there are so many good aspects of it that I want to apply to my life. I have felt that I needed improvement in the area of listening and am happy that this book covers the subject so well. I agree with others who have read it in saying that high schools should offer a class in the lost art of listening. Much contention could be avoided if we all just understood each others better and that listening is a big part of that.

This book showed me not only how to listen to others but also how to communicate with others. I learned from this book about myself and how I communicate. Since reading this book and discussing it with others, I feel I can understand my family, friends, and neighbors or at least have the tools to be an effective listener to them. I would (and have) recommend this book to any and all people. It is a book that is easy enough for almost anyone to understand and, I strongly believe, can only enhance all relationships of any kind.

Reading the book carefully provides growing information. I will follow up with that book and review it several times to see what anyone else has added all of the "Exercises". You can add more comments when the book is completed and you go back to "Exercises". After reading the "Exercises" I find there are a number of the "Exercises" that would welcome some additional adds to some of the "Exercises.

The book explores what the speaker wants in a listener, and how to give it / do it.
The good: If you are frustrated because no-one listens to you - or acquaintances (friends, co-workers) hint that you are a "poor listener" - the author has some ideas/skills/methods that will make you the person people turn to when they need to talk.
The bad: Yes, the book is written in an "academic" language, and so can be a "hard" read. However, the negative efforts of the writers style is more than compensated by the benefit of the ideas.

An informative book that asks the reader to examine his/her listening style and suggests changes that can result in improvement. I have only one complaint, but it's a big one. The author pathologizes introversion, stating that it is a defense mechanism used by people whose only conversations are held in their heads because they fear connections with others. Introversion is no longer viewed as anything more than one way people recharge when their emotional energy is depleted: some people need alone time, some need people time, and others work best with a combination of strategies. I'm disappointed that someone who wrote such a useful book about how to listen has apparently forgotten to use the skills about which he's written.

I had enjoyed a book by Mr Nichols about family therapy, so I thought I would give this (actually the first edition)a try. The author lists several anecdotes that demonstrate how listening helps and how not listening hurts. So far so good. But listening is encouraged as an abstract ethical precept, to be implemented by the conscious will. In this I think he overlooks the many contributions of neurology and psychology to poor listening. Listening to the meaning of others (Nichols real emphasis) is only possible if one is able to listen to the sounds of others. This deeper, more fundamental level of listening, with actual help is covered in the works of Alfred Tomatis and Stephen Porges.

If I would have read this book long ago I would still have a relationship with my boyfriend. Because I did not listen and understand what he was telling me, he turned to someone else who was more empathetic. I am great at business negotiations but getting down to the heart of what is really going on with friends and family I am not very good at until now. This book shot me several times "how can you listen when you know what you are going to say", "when you have a similar experience to someone else's you are discounting their story", and other wonderful insights. I thought the book an easy read and sort of chatty with the stories he told. I recommend this book for EVERYONE out of high school just so they have a better chance at maintaining friendships and love relationships.

Wow!!!What a well put together collection of information about listening. I would rate this book more on the advanced side. If you've studied communication skills before, this is the book for you. It addresses some of the complex areas where routine skills like restating don't always get you through. If you're absolutely new to learning communication skills, I'd still buy this book, but I'd also get something that breaks down skills in a little more basic way.
The author gives a lot of concrete example which I found easy to follow and beneficial. This book would help with family, friends, and business associates.

I developed an intense dislike for this book. It was only whenI looked at the language that I realize why. "Nothing hurtsmore.." "struggling myself to sustain.." "Listening puts a burden ..." "We feel the weight.." "..don't realize the effort required..." it goes on and on and on. Michael Nichols is burdened by the task of listening. I found this book difficult to read. This book is written as a series of topics, often with a sentence in bold type at the start. I found many of the topics meaningless until I had read to a key sentence or sentences buried within the topic. Reading the topic for a second time allowed comprehension. There is knowledge in this book but I found getting it hard work. This book treats communication as a system showing how it's never entirely possible to separate speaker and listener. It attempts to describe the complications of character and relationship between people that cause us not to listen and be listened to. It is concerned with, how our expectations and reactions to each other shape our experience of conversation. To become a "genuine" listener Michael Nichols is willing to pervert his emotions. He recommends we suppress the emotional reactions of criticism, fear and hurt and concentrate on compassion, curiosity, and tenderness. Michael Nichols writes that to overcome these emotional reactions it is helpful if we disintegrate ourselves into sub personalities. Michael Nichols believes that you get someone to open up by taking a sincere interest in what the person has to say not by using a particular comment or technique. He gives an account where he describes his appalling treatment of a man who had asked for his assistance. He withheld advice he could have given the man and told the man to try harder. If you want to learn how to relate to other people Thomas Gordon and Robert Bolton have written books that are easier to read. END

This book offers some comprehensive insights for people with relationalship problems due to the lack of listening. It appears that the book is geared towards listening to people you know within your family or friends. Lastly, the last copyright of this book is in 1995 which made it hard to keep an interest in the examples presented.

If you're looking for a "self-help" or "how to" this book might not be the one for you. However if you want to understand the background behind how and why we choose or choose not to listen, this is a great book. It would be especially helpful for anyone in the psychology or communication arenas, but for the average person trying to become a better listener, it might take a little too long to get to the point (it's over 300 pages I think). I do enjoy the anecdotal style in which it is written, which helps the reader see the point the author is trying to make.

[[ASIN:1593859864 The Lost Art of Listening, Second Edition: How Learning to Listen Can Improve Relationships]

This was a great book. It helped me learn why I was not listening as well as I should. And,
what is going on in peoples heads.

Helped me become aware of what I can aim to work towards in listening. A very good book. I bought another book on listening at the same time as this (which too had good reviews); this was BY FAR the better book. This is a book that leaves you more interested in the subject and wanting to improve.

.....this book wAs and is a good book for me I
thought I listen rather well I come to find out I like to talk, may be because I don't get listen to. That makes a big difference when someone takes the time to listen to you. And you know you were listen to. Good book I'm rereading it again. thank you
Donna Shrader

Only able to access a small portion. Good information in the small sections I was able to read. Ended up checking it out from the library. Stolen credit card information put all payments on hold fo nearly a month; no I never had full access to online version (THIS WAS NOT THE FAULT OF the store)

If you've ever felt that something was missing from some conversations but couldn't pinpoint exactly what - this book might be eye (and ear) opening for you. I'd like to carry this book around with me for constant reminders on how to be a better listener! Easy to read with plenty of examples.

The Lost Art of Listening, Second Edition: How Learning to Listen Can Improve Relationships (Guilford Family Therapy)
by Richard L. Weaver II, Ph.D.

I have written about relationships all of my professional life, and I have included information on relationships in my textbook, Understanding Interpersonal Communication -- which, I might add, is "on sale" at the store.com for $124.20! Also, I have co-authored a book on listening (with Curt Bechler) which is out-of-print, but the store.com lists the book, Listen to Win, "on sale" for $70.00! I mention these as my credentials for reviewing The Lost Art of Listening, which is a book that directly relates the two (relationships and listening), and I want to mention at the outset that this book deserves accolades and recommendations. It is well-written and a true pleasure to read. It is full of practical, applied information, which means you can both understand and use the information immediately. Also, it touches on the very core of the listening problem: that we seldom listen well to the important people in our lives. Most people think they already listen well so would not even consider this book relevant. The "Quiz" on pages 67-69 (along with directions for scoring the results) may help disabuse readers of this belief.

In this 314-page paperback (with a 5 1/2-page index), some may believe the book too forbidding at first glance; however, the author offers numerous examples, interesting and useful boxed inserts, short sections, highlighted (boldface) quotations that offer suggestions and insights, and end-of-chapter exercises that assist you in applying chapter information. It is clear just from a quick glance through the book that Nichols is an accomplished textbook writer -- all the essential ancillaries are here. (If you check out his other books at the store.com, you will notice from the number of books and froml the reviews, that Nichols has achieved success in a number of subject areas.)

There is no doubt that following the author's guidelines will not only make you a better listener, but they will contribute positively to improved relationships (his main point!). I recommend this book without hesitation or reservation. Every parent should read it, and anyone, too, who is planning to enter, is already in, or has experienced any failed relationships in the past desperately needs the information in this book.

This is one of the best books I have ever read on the dynamics of relationships. I felt so strongly about this book that I bought each of my four children a copy for Valentinie's day. It helped me reflect on past dynamics that worked and that didn't and also helps me to reflect about current relationships. Excellant.

Listening is a learned ability just like reading.

Some books are easy to read but lack any real contents.

People are the same. Some people are easy to listen to but

lack any real content. Learning to listen to difficult

people is worth the effort.

I am reading this book for the third time. I didn't get

much from it the first time.

I had hopes for this book because of the straighforwardness of the title and subtitle -- but it doesn't actually teach you how to listen, just the importance of listening and the reasons people don't listen. I was already convinced of the need to listen or I wouldn't have bought the book. I sincerely wanted to learn how to listen effectively. The author provides obvious statements with which no one could disagree, but comes up short on the how-to of it all. He advocates empathy, suspension of one's own agenda, and genuine attentiveness -- who didn't know that or guess that? The author includes his personal experiences way too often, as though he needed someone to listen to him . . . and the clear-cut, case-in-point examples he gives seem more made-up than real-life. He lost my hopes completely when he writes about "nagging women" who feel their husbands do not listen to them. Unbelievably, his advice to such women is to expect less of their husbands so they will receive more in return. He might as well have told them to shut up.