The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life

This is a great book that includes some quizzes for the purchaser to take so that you are better able to understand your own sexuality and how you might be more satisfied with your sex life. GREAT READ!

A longtime reader of Dr. Nagoski's articles and blog, I couldn't wait to see her "sciencey goodness" collected in a single volume. This book will be a tremendous resource for the couples I work with, and a handy reference to have both in the office and at home. In this seemingly sex-obsessed world, I find even married adults to be starving for good information about everything from the mechanics of sex to the complex magic of desire. Come As You Are brings sturdy science, clearly presented, in the gentle, no b.s. voice of a skilled instructor. Good stuff!

This is an extraordinary book that every woman should own a copy of. It takes our sex negative cultural and the patriarchal structures in our society as a given and then says, but what do we do about that? The writing is easy to read, accurate, clever, and funny. I consider myself an enlightened person when it comes to the topic of sex but I was regularly left gaping at what I read in this book. I cannot emphasize enough how important the information in this book is to the sexual health of our society.

You will learn the actual truth about womens' sexuality from this one book. If you think you understand womens' sexuality and you haven't read this book then sorry, you're wrong. (Actually you'll learn a lot about male sexuality too.) The scientifically supported 'truths' presented in this book are radically different to anything I've experienced through any medium previously. Forget all the legitimate well intentioned classics you've read and definitely forget everything you've read in a womens magazine or heard on daytime TV!. Their wrong. I know because I'm well read and I've a bookshelf full of well intentioned, impotent tomes to prove it.
My only criticism of this book is the unfortunate undertone throughout and a couple of specific assertions from the author that men are solely responsible for the disfunction and mis-understanding of womens sexuality. Women need to own this situation just as much if not more than men (After all they have the pussy, so they make the rules) It would have been great not to marginalise men in the text, which despite my cognisance of feeling, interfered with my ability to read coherently at times because I was feeling pissed off. So I'd have to stop to process those feelings before I could move on. Instead this incredible, ground breaking work should be lovingly and compassionately delivered and targeted to everyone! Especially men, as I think their understanding and acceptance of the 'new knowledge' will be essential to their active participation in the healing process for partnered women. Obviously single men will benefit immensely and immediately upon commencing a sexual relationship with a woman too.
Despite the thinly veiled contempt for males sprinkled in acouple of areas in the book, this is a seminal piece of work and I will now order several more copies for all the women (and their men) in my family, particularly though, my 15yo old daughter. This will set her up right. It will assist her with personal happiness through knowing herself properly. Emily has presented a correct interpretation of the subject, that will facilitate young women to navigate critically and with a measure of steadfast confidence through the spam and peppering of rubbish messages that unfortunately screw dso many young ones up. It must be said that there is value in this text in so many ways! Whilst it appears to fundamentally address sexual disfunction in women, one of the foundation points in the text is about how 'feeling sexual' is an apex desire/emotion for women. In order to cultivate an environment where sexual feelings/desire can occur, underlying issues must be dealt with. And Emily does. Have a daughter with eating disorder? Partner has body image issues? Emily marvellously dismantles, dissects and explains to the reader how all these things are caused and how to break them down and how they interfere with the sexuality She also covers a multitude of other less insidious but no less interfering issues that cause sexual disfunction. Reading this will fundamentally reset/recalibrate the readers expectations about what is 'normal' and what we should be desiring for ourselves in terms of healthy, real and relevant expectations. I'm a man and I'll admit that some sections of this book brought me to actual tears. As I read and learnt and realised that my assumptions about my wife were so wrong and as I considered my treatment of her (IE fighting about sex, accusations, all that) I realised that I have not been gentle with her heart and that realisation nearly killed me (really upset me). I have not acted lovingly and kind to my dear wife (and best friend) at times, (regarding sex), because I refused to accept that if anybody's experience of arousal and sex wasn't exactly like mine then there was something wrong with them. 'She's not a sexual person', ' She's vanilla' etc etc If you've ever found yourself thinking these things or god forbid actually labelling your partner like this then you absolutely must do yourself and your partner a justice and READ THIS BOOK! Yes, it's confronting, but it's also going to open new pathways to intimacy, strengthen existing ones, cultivate safety, trust and bonding for couples and understanding, self acceptance, healthier self talk and realistic expectations for singles and well everyone!
BuY this book! We need to make this into a worlds best seller. It's application globally to re-orienting so many values and switching people off to bad messages (think media/advertising etc) could be a catalyst for a return to marriages that endure, harmony between spouses and the re-invigoration and appreciation of the family unit and wider caring societal values.
Lastly I'd love to see Emily re-write this amazing book with the following considerations:
1) Take out the underlying blaming of the male species. We are just as much victims of the corporate greed, culture and advertising etc that sponsored the current situation.
2) I couldn't help but wonder throughout the book if a lot of it wasn't equally applicable to men. Whilst I'm sure some of it was (I kept personally identifying with things) Is all of it though? If so, then why not make this amazing book about human sexuality. This would also serve to facilitate it being read by a lot more men. Which is very important.
3) As the 'spontaneously aroused' (SA) member of my marriage I have learnt and modified my expectations and behaviour regarding how I relate sexually to my 'responsively aroused' (RA) wife. However whilst this new way of relating to and assisting her with her accelerator and breaks is necessary, I guess I'm now experiencing some cognitive dissidence because despite understanding it all, I still have a stubborn, unreasonable yearning desire that cannot be placated with any amount of understanding (or deep breaths, cold showers or late night runs for that matter). So I am still suffering in a way because now the sexlife I am having 'is not natural to me'.
Sometimes It feels like it's just all too hard. All this thinking, planning and effort to maybe facilitate something that comes so easily and naturally to yourself. Then sometimes you 'slip mentally' and you get into a really bad place where you've been managing your partners breaks and accelerator all day(s) and then when they are non responsive to your solicitations and just want to go to sleep, that's when you become resentful, because you've subconciously entered into a one sided pact, thinking that they now owe you something.. Yeah, bad I know. But wait it gets worse. That's when in your frustration, anger and despair, your little monitor suggests and convinces you to give up on your partner and sex altogether.
I guess in consideration of the above there are three further issues that really need to be dealt with:
1) This book (by virtue of recommended courses of action) basically legitimises and encourages the removal of spontaneous sex for the SA person.. Ouch! This doesn't seem quiet right to me. Surely there's another way? I know that technically it's "my problem" if I'm aroused and my partner isn't. But remove the spontaneity for the SA person and you have created virtually the same situation of an 'un-attractive sexual prospect' except it's now in reverse, affecting the SA person instead of the RA person. SA people deserve their partners energy and to be seduced and to receive some pampering and path clearing as well. They also should not have to initiate every single time. When the SA has to initiate every time the message cultivated by the little monitor is basically: "My partner doesn't care enough about me to know me. If they did they'd know I need to have sex" For some of us Spontaneity within a sexual encounter is a significant attraction to or reason for enjoying sex. Sex is allowed to be easy and carefree and spontaneous sometimes.
I feel that after reading this book I understand my RA partner much better and how I can assist with her arousal response but it's also left me feeling like it's going to be a long life of work or dis-appointment for me, neither of which are particularly appealing.
Despite the techniques detailed for identifying and developing arousal sponsoring situations etc it would be great if there was also a section of the book devoted to direct action techniques to be undertaken by the RA person to re-condition themselves to be more SA. Ie Pavlovian programming, meditations on sensuality. Homework?
2) The SA aroused person must ultimately accept that they are going to be doing most of the leading, facilitating, seduction and initiation. How does one stay motivated to complete the significant workload required to manage the others breaks and accelerator without losing the 'joy of sex' for themselves and without 'feeling emotionally (and physically) exhausted, particularly if there is a limited or no return on their investment?.
3) What 'tools' can the Spontaneously aroused use to deal with the inevitable episodes of feeling isolated, rejected, misunderstood, 'not cared for' and plain old frustrated complicit in a relationship with a responsive arouser?

Finally, Emily asserts that there will never be a 'little pink pill' which will act on women the way Viagra etc acts for men. She makes a very good explanation of this and is correct within the limits of her argument. However I would advocate that if the scientists could develop a pill for men which made their semen taste like chocolate, then we might finally have a solution..... ;)

A generous, comforting & clear discussion of women's sexuality based on scientific facts & statistics that peel back the cultural assumptions we have about women's sexuality & sexual response. Turns out, women are not men-lite or broken in some way when it comes to sex, and we all have the same parts/responses, organised differently from one another. And how we FEEL about our feelings re: sex are more important than anything! Yay! Easy & fun to read for a lay person ;) and extremely well researched and well written. Loved it. Tell your friends, mothers & daughters!

Emily's explanation of accelerator and brakes in sexual function was incredibly helpful to me, both in my understanding of the women I love and my own sexuality. As a man, I've long felt a little broken when something quickly turns me off sexually. Turns out, this is just another flavor of normal sexual function. my sex life has improved dramatically as a result of having read this book, and as it circulates among my female friends and lovers it's made a lot of people very, very happy. Thank you, Emily, for your excellent explanation of the science, and thanks to Erika Moen for some great illustrations!

This book definitely geared for women. Not to say a man couldn't gain insightful knowledge from it, but he must be committed to the cause. A lot of science cause effect from emotions which is important I suppose, but not for common everyday curious reader.

This was a great read! No psych mumbo jumbo, just plain speaking, woman to woman information and help. I loved how she started with dealing with the misinformation we have been fed for so long, no one knows it's not at all true in regards to physical, mental, and cultural dealings in women's sexual health. She provided a few case examples and we follow them through the book, so you can see how different people tackled their bedroom problems, but not too many to be overwhelming. I am going to read it again and was even thinking of buying a couple paper copies and lending them out to friends to read and pass one.

The book has great insights to offer. It guides you to solutions and rarely known facts. I'd recommend it to any woman that is truly curious about sex and loves pleasure. The writing was not very engaging with way too many annoying metaphors for gardens, rats, water boilers, monitors and all other kinds of asexual non-scientific nature, that kinda killed it for me. I straight talk would have been nicer, especially for grown ups.

This is the most important book I have ever read (and I read a lot!). It is the Owner's Manual I wish I wish that I had growing up. It explained everything, was incredibly reassuring, loving, kind, and based in science! I loved it so much that I bought five copies to share with the women in my life (including my daughter) and am reading it again, this time doing the worksheets. I carry this book with me everywhere. For me, it has been life-changing. Thank you, Emily Nagoski Ph.D. for this incredible gift.