Dealing with the Mother You Had - or Still Contend With

You probably need to read this book anyway. I actually knew I did, but wasn't sure what to do about them. This is what sets this book apart. Not only can you identify the type of Mom you have (or more than one type) and the issues and immaturity you may have, but you learn how to become "reparented" into adulthood. The emphasis is not the typical "parent bashing" you get from other books, but a balanced and sensitive approach to becoming a responsible adult.

Drs. Cloud and Townsend are Christian psychologists who are very well known in the Christian community. They are popular speakers and co-hosts of the nationally broadcast New Life radio program. They are best-selling authors of a number of books, including the very popular "Boundaries" series.
The authors explain how the mother you had (and have!) influences the adult you are today. They help you to transform the effects of the past and re-build your adulthood, which may or may not include your mother. Feelings of resentment, sadness, anger and grief are not resolved by denying them, they must be processed and worked through. We must watch out for our tendencies to resist adulthood, freedom, and equality and to return to the child position with our mother figures.
Different types of mothers and their emotional problems and effects on us are discussed in detail, as well as how to deal with them. These include the China Doll Mom, the Controlling Mom, the Trophy Mom , the American Express Mom, and the Still-The-Boss Mom.
Inappropriate reactions of other relatives are included. For instance, in the China Doll Mom chapter, we are taught that any attempt to communicate directly with Mom about your relationship is fraught with danger because she will often be in tears, upset, or out of the room before you have completed your first sentence. "The adult child feels guilty for `hurting mom,' especially if other siblings fuse with mom's self-victimization. The rest of the clan is often unable to understand the control and manipulation behind mom's demeanor. The siblings will then unite against the "black sheep" who is so mean to mother. In this way, they are able to displace their own frustration with mom onto a safe target: the child who tries to reconcile honestly."
There are a number of Scriptural references to teach us how to respond, for instance, by challenging or rebelling against improper authority, taking stewardship over our own lives, and understanding that we do have choices which, although they may disappoint or anger others, are the best options for our own welfare. Although we often inwardly disagree with our mothers' behavior, "It is important to outwardly disagree, confront, refuse evil, and stand against wrongdoing. You can learn to change your silent no to an audible one."
There are many suggestions for improving our adult relationship with our mothers, setting boundaries, learning to say "No", and protecting ourselves. This book helps us to understand that these actions are Biblically based and NOT un-Christian-like. The author's teach us that the child needs to discover God's path for herself, not her parent's preordained plan for her life. Some mothers overestimate their role of authority- God created an authority structure from HIMSELF on down. A grown child no longer submits to her mother's authority. GOD WILL ULTIMATELY BE THE CHILD'S ONLY PARENT.
If Mom is not interested in seeing you as an equal, you will be taught to set limits, including limits on how much exposure to Mom you will endure, what subjects you will or will not discuss, etc. The Mom Factor gives us permission to accept and be at peace with our mother's anger at our growing independence. She will be frustrated because she can no longer control you, and you will learn to "Let her be who she is: someone who wants something she cannot have."
In my ministry work with adult daughters of controlling or abusive birth-families (see Luke 17:3 Minstries website), I have found this book to be an invaluable resource. Adult children so much need to understand that to be treated with respect and kindness by those they love is their right, and that it is Biblically "okay" to protect themselves from abuse. I highly recommend this book, as well as "Boundaries", to those who are struggling with family power and control issues.
God intended us to be free! It is up to each one of us to reach out and claim the freedom he offers us. "They have greatly oppressed me from my youth, but they have not gained the victory over me. Plowmen have plowed my back and made their furrows long. But the Lord is righteous; he has cut me free from the cords of the wicked"...Psalm 129: 2-4.

In contrast to "The Mom Factor" , I found "How People Grow" book, workbook and discussions were helpful as you learned cognitively, and grew with your heart through experiences in small group settings, if you applied some of their recommendations. Those were good reads. I enjoyed facilitating classes in church on those books. Sadly, in this book, the Christian counselors forgot to 'walk their talk' and fell back to 'blame' and applying 'labels'. Very little to grow from as a person, in my opinion, after reading.

Perhaps editing would have helped, but it is decidedly biased, and unfortunate that they didn't set out to first write "The Dad Factor", though it's likely there would have been their labels there too, based on their decided biases, and subjectivity.

I do agree that we moms raise our sons differently than our daughters. Perhaps we need to learn from this book that we are deeply hurting our daughters, enabling our sons so often to be emotionally and often health-wise dependent on us, vs engaging dads in parenting process. Alas, dads are emotionally and/or physically absent often, something the authors only lightly touched upon. Perhaps that is the only 'aha' I considered after reading this book.

The stories were heavy on blame labels and would likely enable or re-enable unforgiving behaviors, It certainly isn't a Christian based set of stories to grow from.

So authors, I welcome you into an accountability group with moms to learn and grow, getting past "the success umbrella". Then perhaps write that next book: " Investing in the Mom/Dad Factor; lessons learned"

This book explained so many things regarding my dysfunctional relationship with my mom. I tend to be a rather technical, factual type reader and I found myself nearly crying because it seems that Cloud/Townsend wrote this book especially for me. I think my mom was a combination of all but one of the dysfunctional moms. No wonder why I'm so messed up.
They gave good suggestions how to turn around the relationship realistically. They didn't say all would be all better, but they said it would take work, and even in some cases, the relationship may be so torn that it would be hard to repair. They also gave practical suggestions how we can avoid being these dysfunctional type moms.
After reading that book, I identified how I was a combination of 2 different mom types and how to stop these behaviors before I negatively impact my 2 young children. I will reread as the kids get older just to ensure I don't repeat my mom's mistakes.
Totally excellent book!!!

Written with much compassion. It is not a mom-bashing book. If a reader is looking for someone to blame for his/her life, this is not the book to read. Writers are insightful in how our moms' interactions with us have influenced us and shaped how we view ourselves and relate with others. The writers explain that our moms continue to influence us, well into our adulthood, whether or not we continue to have contact with them. The writers are careful to explain that our fears and hopes have their origins in our relationships with our moms. Most importantly, the writers give guidelines, based on practical and Biblical concepts, to healthier living despite extended dysfunctional relationships with our moms. The writers are realistic about the difficulties their readers may face with such challenge. They exhibit empathy in their certainty that self-awareness and healthy living could be ultimately achieved.

This book is unbelievable. It has opened my eyes in ways I would've never known. I highly recommend it. We all have ongoing issues in our lives and usually stem from our relationship with our mother. This is a must read. It has opened my eyes to how I mother my girls. Total lifesaver and lifechanger........

This was a wonderfully enlightening book for anyone who struggles with a mother/daughter relationship! I FOREVER struggled with my mother.... I heard about this book on a Christian talk radio.... IF you have issues with your mother THIS IS THE BOOK!!!! It teaches you so much about the dynamics involved in our mothers! It has not only taught me to be a better mother to my children, but that you can get the nurturing you need from OTHERS not JUST YOUR MOTHER! I have grown so much from this book and I have purchased it for many of my friends as well DEFINATELY WORTH THE READ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

For so long I've mostly heard about how important a father is in a child's development. I've never heard anyone else speak about how profound the mother's role is in the child's devlopment like this book does. I feel like I've gone to the eye doctor and have been given new glasses to see more clearly with. I think this book is core reading for anybody who wants to understand why they are the way they are. Like the back cover of the book says, "She shaped you in ways that would surprise you both."

2 POINTS for helping with self-awareness, perhaps. Other than that, the book is full of misuse of Scripture, taking verses out of context to back up unsubstantiated claims. This is poor pop psychology at best with no clinical research. As most money-making schemes, the authors exploit our cultural bias of living independent of family, as well as our society's rampant cases of anxiety and depression which are caused by so many factors apart from Mom! How about the biblical COMMAND to honor our parents? This is a GOD principle. Yes, that includes a control freak, a China Doll, and even an alcoholic! How about the biblical principle of seeking first the Kingdom of God, "and all these things shall be added unto you,"---including healthy relationships, peace, joy----yes, the fruit of the Spirit! I would gather that this includes honoring God. How do we honor God? Obviously, by obeying His commandments. If we have ought with one another--a brother, a sister, a mom--we are told to go to them in humility and forgiveness ----and to "consider others better than ourselves." How about the biblical principle of self-denial? If anyone wants to follow Him, "let him deny himself....and follow Me." Prideful grabbing for our "rights" does not sound like obedience, and it doesn't seem Christ-like, nor is it like the fruit of the Spirit. Rather, it sounds more like stirring up strife. And we know what Scripture says about those who separate friends. Let us not be deceived.

This book has been so very helpful in figuring out both my past and present relationship with my mother. In addition, it has helped in dealing with her and other mothers in my life. It also helps me to be the best mother I can be to my young children. It is a must read for anyone that struggles with the "mothers" in their life.

As a mother of adult daughters, I found this book to be full of stereotypes and seemingly not able to recognize that moms may do their very best and seek to be very intentional in how they parent, yet we will make mistakes. That doesn't mean our children are scarred for life. At any given time, many mothers might resemble a facet of the descriptions outlined on any given day, but that does not define who the mother is in totality. Many hardworking mothers are doing the best they can. How about a book called The Dad Factor. Or The Child Factor. Give moms a break. I can't help but wonder what sort of relationship the authors had with their own mothers.

This book is SO full of Christian reference and biblical mumbo-jumbo that it is worthless to anyone who is not Christian. The preview pages available to view are EXTREMELY misleading as to the content of the majority of the book. If you are not a Christian, save your money.