How It Sabotages Our Lives - Where It Comes from

It goes deeper than any other codependency book I have read so far. For years I struggled to understand why I have such a codependency problem, as well as my siblings. We weren't physically abuse but with this book I was able to see how exactly I became codependent and everything that went into me becoming codependent. It created a clear picture of why I became who I am and what I can do now to heal and the truth just knowing the root cause and the core reasons was a huge big step into recovery. I no longer question how did I get here but can look forward on how to recover from it. So grateful for this book and making me see clearly how I became someone that sabotage her life without even knowing it.

The premise is simple: childhood abuse - any behavior that fails to nurture - profoundly impacts our ability to form and maintain healthy relationships as adult; we become codependent. The problem is we unaware of our codependence. It is difficult to unravel your own behavior pattern to correct and stop the pattern of abuse. It is a delicate process maturing from a vulnerable, dependent, imperfect, immature child into an independent adult that can defend themselves and accept their imperfections.

I don't agree with labeling a person as a Codependent or Non-Codependent. Codependency is a battle we all fight in varying degrees. Self esteem and social awareness were critical traits for our ancestors' survival. Generosity and reciprocity reduce the risk of subsistence living. Our self esteem helped regulate our behavior within the social hierarchy and prevent us from being outcast - a dangerous situation.

Health relationships require a proper level of self esteems and moderate desire to please others. Extremes are a sign of codependency. Mellody's recommendation for moderate behavior echo Michel de Montaigne - The Complete Essays (Penguin Classics). Boundaries are a convenient way of visualizing a healthy sense of moderation - both in what you share and what you receive.

The explanation for how abuse leads to unhealthy shame and guilt seems over simplified. Abuse is not the only reason that our emotions are out of balance with our reality. Some emotions - like fear - are designed for survival rather than social situations.

I felt too much emphasis was placed on the role of codependency in denial or, worse, altered perceptions. We aren't universally in denial or unable to perceive reality, but I am sure we all have blind spots. Sure the anorexic woman and obese man are unaware of their weight, but as Tim Ferriss tested in The Four Hour Body, people have a systematic error in accessing their own body fat percentage.

This may surprise some, I feel think Robert Greene's 50 Cent biography, 50th Law, makes a great companion for Facing Codependence. Despite different settings, child development contrasted with street hustling, many of the themes - self reliance, realism, transcendence - overlap.

There are many self help books but non like this one. Thanks to Melody Pia I am free to be my own person who I was meant to be at CORE!! I highly recommend if you are dealing with codependence and even more if you are not. Thank you to Dr. Karen Radella Ph.D., LFMT, for guiding me and referring me to this book.

There are many self help books but non like this one. Thanks to Melody Pia I am free to be my own person who I was meant to be at CORE!! I highly recommend if you are dealing with codependence and even more if you are not. Thank you to Dr. Karen Radella Ph.D., LFMT, for guiding me and referring me to this book.

After struggling 16 years in marriage, and in countless other areas, I read this book as part of a college course I took "Shedding Shame/Gaining Grace." I never knew why I did the things I did, and why I couldn't stop...This clearly and succintly revealed what I was doing and the reasons behind it. I now have a clear path of healing and restoration, and hopefully it will bring our marriage back into focus...

The first section has a few meaningful insights into non-productive behaviors but then goes quickly downhill. The examples/anecdotes are forced and/or non-believable and the whole approach seems to point to an unreachable, and in my opinion, unhelpful and potentially detrimental ideal. Codependence can be nebulous but I don't think this book ever provides a coherent picture even within its own (lacking) definition.

Did not agree with a number of the ideas, but once I got past that and accepted her ideas, (her experiences and knowledge), it was fine. It's not necessary to agree with a person to learn something from them. There are times, when learning to understand a new way of looking at life is enough.

This book is helpful. It was recommended by my L.M.F.T. Although it has enlightened me about my life experiences and made me aware of my short-comings, it is hard for me to read. Mostly because I don't typically read self-help books and probably because much of it doesn't pertain to me, so I find it uninteresting. That said, I have to admit that I haven't been able to finish the book. I like that it has enlightened me, but I wish it would get to the part of finding resolution. If it did this sooner rather than later, I might be able to make more head-way. I'm about 1/2 way through the book. I don't know if the book even delves into resolution. That's yet to be seen.

Everyone should read this book! At the very least for an understanding/awareness of what codependence actually is and to reach out to someone else. This book was recommended by my doctor and I'm glad I read it for myself and those around me. Especially my children who I believe will benefit the most.

This book is very easy to read, informative and the most important part to me, was that the author also studied herself as well as other people!! Seems very accurate! I am not finished reading, not because I am not interested, just that I have not had time! So far the book is so good, I ordered her other 4.

After reading the "Boundries" book you want more on "how to" and this is the book. Having good boundries is only 1/5 of the story. This book will open your eyes all the way. It is so packed with information that you have to read it slowly and then start over when you are done.. it is a lifetime process. I have two girlfriends that are going through it with me weekly. It helps to get other's input to what she is saying and apply it to your life. This book is leading us to true Freedom within. This is a must read for all counselors!!! Also has a workbook called "Breaking Free."

This book was recommended by my therapist who trained with Pia Mellody. The book is very intense but can be life changing if you are ready for it. Not an easy read but definitely worth it if you had a rough childhood. I cannot recommend this book enough but also caution because it is definitely life changing and can make you realize things you never did before. I hope you get as much out of this book as I did!

GREAT information on how we are affected by our past. A more accurate title for the book could be, "Facing Your Relationship with Yourself". HIGHLY recommend. Caution: the book does do more opening up and educating than resolving of the issues. But still a VERY valuable read! Have bought several copies for others who are interested in growing.

If you didn't have love and support as a child you need to read this. I knew something was wrong but I didn't know what. I was shocked at first but then totally grateful to learn that I am codependent. I finally know what's wrong and now I can start my recovery. I am forever grateful to God and all the positive changes happening in my life today. I have hope and so can you. You are not alone. Another good book is codependent no more & beyond codependency by Melody Beattie

So many of us grow up in homes where codependence is promoted. We don't even realize we're doing it, but we end up living an unfulfilling life of codependence. Pia Mellody breaks it down and makes codependence easy to understand and it becomes easy to create a plan to move beyond codependence into interdependence. I recommend this book regularly to clients - the reviews always come back with surprise and a new motivation and understanding of how to change.

Helpful material in understanding the connection between childhood experiences and adult behavior. Found portions of the book fairly difficult reading. Value for personal development and child raising.

This book was in awesome condition and has really been a great help for my recovery in understanding where all my bad coping skills came from and what to do about them. This and the workbook that goes with it have been a real asset for me.

Her insight on addiction is good but her overall understanding of social issues that contribute to addiction is not elaborated. In her understanding it is the family but the family is only only component in society and is bound by cultural and economic dependencies. She does not take this into consideration enough.

Excellent book with lots of insightful information to utilize to recognize and heal our abusive childhoods. I don't have to agree with everything Ms. Mellody says to see how valuable this book is. Ultimate only God can make us "whole", but we can work on it in the interim.

This book is very informational and educational. I had a couple of minor discrepancies, but nothing that couldn't be ignored. I recommend this to anyone who is facing depression, anxiety, abuse, and/or clinginess.

I am about half way through this book and like how the author explains in detail what I am experiencing. She uses words from more of a clinical standing (which I like), but just want you to be aware and know what to expect.

BEWARE this book contains bizarre theories and cites NO science for them. There are some interesting ideas in here about codependence, but I have to say I'm really skeptical of a book without data cited to support it's conclusions. Is it responsible to write a whole book about a subject without a shred of scientific study to support the ideas presented? No, and it is not only irresponsible, but potentially dangerous. Some of the book is, in my opinion, potentially extremely damaging to survivors of true abuse. The author seems to have a great deal of trouble explaining why childhood abuse survivors feel so much shame and she creates a bizarre reasoning for this. She writes, "whenever a major caregiver is abusing a child while denying or being irresponsible with his or her feeling reality, the feeling reality is very likely to be induced in the child who becomes overwhelmed by the caregiver's feeling reality." (p.103) Can you understand that? Neither could I. But if you read further the author explains further by writing, "A shameless person is one how is denying his or her own shame, which passes directly to the child. The child's own shame giver him or her a sense of fallibility, but adding the parent's shame to the child's shame gives the child an overwhelming sense of worthlessness, "badness," and inadequacy." (p.104) There is no science cited to support this idea of "shame transfer." The only thing cited to support this theory is the author's own experience standing within 18 inches of people and feeling their energy. (p. 101) This whole bizarre and unsupported theory makes me wonder if this author ever witnessed abuse or worked with real abusers. Abusers of children (and adults) are famous for purposely inducing feelings of shame in their victims because the abuser knows that a victim who feels culpable or ashamed of abuse is not likely to put the abuser in jail - where they belong! Abusers actually tell their victims, "you deserved this because you did something wrong" or "you know you wanted this to happen" or just outright threaten the victim by saying, "if you tell anyone YOU will get in trouble because no one will believe your word against mine." I suggest this author do some research on serial abusers and pedophiles before she starts telling victims why they feel shame. There is no need to come up with a theory of a mystical transfer of shame energy from an abuser denying shame to a victim ready to absorb it. Most of the time the explanation is much simpler; the victim feels shame because the abuser WANTS them to and deliberately induces it in them.

The forward to this book says, "the therapeutic concepts, methods and eclectic approach are in the language that has come from the cauldron of Pia Mellody's experience of fighting the disease and not from a theoretical base. In fact, this is not an attempt to devise or defend a theoretical construct at all." So, if you are looking for a book based on one persons "feelings" after working with groups and you want a book in which there are only two footnotes, both of which serve only to direct the reader to more of the author's own merchandise, then this is the book for you.

As a final word, or rather question, I'd just like to know what the author's credentials and qualifications are? She calls herself an "expert" on various websites promoting her own products, but doesn't cite her education or licensing. I'm not saying she doesn't have education or licensing, but I'd just like to know more about that before trusting her with anyone's mental health and I have to say I find is suspicious that she doesn't list her education or licensing prominently, as you would think these are the basic credentials anyone who require in a mental health provider.

I read some of it and decided If I was in Arizona I would not drive near here - something might suck me in. Didn't see myself in the pagers of this one - I gave it to my therapist who had suggested it and I think he's going to look at it again! guess I do have some codependence tendencies, but hopefully I'm aware of them and can work on it myself!

I had not received the book order and sent a negative remark which I removed shortly after I posted it. I removed it because at this point Harry's Books responding so quickly to the matter and is helping to resolve my complaint. It may not be their fault.

This book is intended for people who want to change their behavior in a significant way, and are serious about learning to help themselves do so. Changing one’s behavior is admirable and is exceedingly hard to do. Codependence is very misunderstood, so first it is necessary to learn what codependency really is What it looks like in everyday life and where it stems from (how to recognize it from past events/cycles). It is a DISEASE. She discusses what co-dependence is, what it stems from and how to identify it. And mainly how you can get control back. Pia uses the word “Abuse” a lot in this book, so you must first make a mental leap and accept her meaning of abuse, “ almost anything that leads a person into a codependent relationship”. In this book, Pia focuses on all aspects of codependency. This is not your normal self-help book. This book is written by a person who has dealt with codependence and abuseherself. While reading this book, you will at times think she is writing about you, because it is so real. It is a wonderful book that was written based on personal experience with many examples of others, who suffer and survive these issues. This book gives you hope and direction. Behavioral change starts one step at a time and involves making mistakes – nothing ventured nothing gained. Don’t be afraid to face your demons. Trust me this is a must read

This book was such an eye opener and put words to things I have felt for so long. Things that were wrong in my family and I knew were inappropriate but didn't have the words to describe it ,also because it was so covert. I always felt others had it worse than me if they were beaten and called names and also I was given food, clothes a roof over my head a lot of freedom to play, so whats to complain about?
..honestly any kind of abuse, emotional and physical neglect are just as bad..its not right to say you or I had things worse or so and so. Ive come to realize you can't compare your life to another because you experience and process things completely different. So if your parents were cold with affection..if you tried to ask for help or needed advice and got nothing or a leave me alone...if you had relatives that made sexually inappropriate comments to you...if you werent taught much about life and left to fend for yourself and figure stuff out...if you werent given clear expectations or rules and a lot of inconsistancy...read this book! Those are a few examples of more silent and covert abuse.

This book is intended for people who want to change their behavior in a significant way, and are serious about learning to help themselves do so. Changing one’s behavior is admirable and is exceedingly hard to do. Codependence is very misunderstood, so first it is necessary to learn what codependency really is What it looks like in everyday life and where it stems from (how to recognize it from past events/cycles). It is a DISEASE. She discusses what co-dependence is, what it stems from and how to identify it. And mainly how you can get control back. Pia uses the word “Abuse” a lot in this book, so you must first make a mental leap and accept her meaning of abuse, “ almost anything that leads a person into a codependent relationship”. In this book, Pia focuses on all aspects of codependency. This is not your normal self-help book. This book is written by a person who has dealt with codependence and abuseherself. While reading this book, you will at times think she is writing about you, because it is so real. It is a wonderful book that was written based on personal experience with many examples of others, who suffer and survive these issues. This book gives you hope and direction. Behavioral change starts one step at a time and involves making mistakes – nothing ventured nothing gained. Don’t be afraid to face your demons. Trust me this is a must read

This book was such an eye opener and put words to things I have felt for so long. Things that were wrong in my family and I knew were inappropriate but didn't have the words to describe it ,also because it was so covert. I always felt others had it worse than me if they were beaten and called names and also I was given food, clothes a roof over my head a lot of freedom to play, so whats to complain about?
..honestly any kind of abuse, emotional and physical neglect are just as bad..its not right to say you or I had things worse or so and so. Ive come to realize you can't compare your life to another because you experience and process things completely different. So if your parents were cold with affection..if you tried to ask for help or needed advice and got nothing or a leave me alone...if you had relatives that made sexually inappropriate comments to you...if you werent taught much about life and left to fend for yourself and figure stuff out...if you werent given clear expectations or rules and a lot of inconsistancy...read this book! Those are a few examples of more silent and covert abuse.

When my life was spinning out of control, and my therapist blatantly told me that I was not crazy--but that I was severely co-dependent, I wasn't quite sure if that was a really good thing or a really bad thing. I had no idea of what codpendency was. All I knew was, I was tired of feeling pushed around by the people in my life I tried so hard to take care of. No matter how hard I tried to get love in return for being good to others, and no matter how deeply I put their needs ahead of my own, I was failing. This book helped me get a better understanding of what codpenedency truly is, and how and why it manifests in our lives. I would highly recommend this book...Namaste...
Facing Codependence: What It Is, Where It Comes from, How It Sabotages Our Lives

Many people roll their eyes at the very word, which became incredibly over-used in the 1980s. Nonetheless, it does exist and makes life harder than it needs to be for many, even if they only have small traits of this way of engaging in relationships, as most of us do! Using a simple framework, Melody helps persons identify such patterns, including 5 symptoms and early roots of the behavior and helpful information for healing those patterns. This book will surprise many with its insights and gentleness.

Let me preface this recommendation by saying that it is one of the worst edited and poorly arranged books I've ever read. That said, it's sold more than 400,000 copies entirely through word of mouth to an audience that doesn't read a lot of books: addicts. My long running theory is that we are all addicts, and that the majority of our problems come from not understanding why we feel compelled to do things and our inability to evaluate our track record after engaging in those behaviors. This book looks at the seemingly innocuous events of our childhoods that turn out to have sweeping effects on our decision-making skills and our desires and aversions. She talks about boundaries, which I think are hugely undervalued. Strangely, the book is more about the things I just mentioned and about living a healthy life than it is about codependency.

This book has some amazing ideas about pain and woundedness from early childhood. I have never been able to explain what co-dependence is, and although Melody Beattie seems to be the queen when you think of this topic, Pia Mellody goes beyond Melody's work by offering a deeper, more intense journey into the heart of pain (on multiple levels). I find it very different from Melody's teaching on co-dependence. I am so grateful this book is out there.

Prior to embarking on work with codepedency, Mellody was an RN, but amazingly her contributions in the field of psychology have been substantial according to luminary recovery therapist John Bradshaw. Today Mellody is the Senior Clinical Advisor at The Meadows, a renowned treatment center for trauma and addictions.

Before Mellody's work, the original work in the field of codependency was focused on family systems, alcoholism, as well as adult children of alchoholics, and people who love too much. However, the work in codependency, in good part due to Mellody, has taken on expanded meaning . It is currently viewed that people can be codependent within any relationship process, and can also have codependent (or unhealthy) relationships even to situations or things. These typically stem from abusive and traumatic childhoods, parents that did not provide sufficent nurturance, or who did not instill strong childhood values, or create clear boundaries for their children.

Mellody puts forth, essentially, that codependent adults must learn to become their own parents and "learn to do the things our dysfunctional parents did not teach us to do: appropriately esteem ourselves, set functional boundaries, be aware of and acknowledge our reality, take care of our adult needs and wants, and experience our reality moderately."

The above represent the five core symptoms of codependency. Learning about and gaining an handle on the five core symptoms is definitely well worth the effort for obtaining this book. In my view, this book is a tour de force and should be on any recovery, or personal development workshelf.

I've read a lot of self-help books, and this one is very good. I had trouble understanding the concept of codependency, and this book has helped me with that. It has helped me see in myself and others the effects of growing up in a dysfunctional family. No family is perfect, but some are definitely more dysfunctional than others. I think it helps me have more compassion for people who act in codependent way. And it helps me have more compassion for my own behavior at times. And understanding why you do things helps you overcome problems from your behavior. I recommend this book highly.

I felt like some things were accurate, others... not so much.. I also don't like that she references God and acts like codependency is a disease. It's not. It's a shitty learned behavior..My thoughts anyway.

Surely it must be acknowledged that the concept of codependency and books such as this one have helped many, many individuals improve their lives and overcome 'unhealthy' ways of relating to others. However, Mellody's book has some quite fatal (and frankly, embarrassing) flaws. The concepts of codependency and childhood abuse / neglect as articulated in this book can, at times, mount to sheer absurdity. Mellody's book suggests that those who do not believe in God or have problems viewing "him" as a "Father," for example, simply have "daddy issues." Does Mellody mean to suggest that all atheists, or Buddhists, or Hindus, or any others who choose a spiritual path that differs from western monotheism have "daddy issues"? Mellody writes that peeling wall-paper and bathroom doors that do not close properly constitute neglect of children. Does she have no concept what conditions most of the world's peoples live in, not out of choice, but out of necessity? In short, anything less than a completely hegemonic, normative childhood (meaning, anything less than a perfect white, American, middle-class, Christian upbringing) seems to constitute an imperfect and abusive childhood. To be fair, there is much in this book that offers insight into how our childhood experiences shape our adult lives and the ways in which we can change our unhealthy relationships with others and with ourselves through understanding how we formed our habits of relating in the first place. However, in my opinion, this book must be read skeptically, with a critical mind. If not, books such as these can end up making one feel a) extreme resentment towards one's own parents, and a concomitant lack of compassion, and b) that if one's life has been anything less than perfect (or indeed, if it has been non-normative in any way), one is a "victim" in need of potentially endless recovery work (and, of course, in need of constant help from recovery systems like Mellody's to help one live one's life). All of this might result in a state of personal dis-empowerment, which I am sure Mellody does not intend to be the end result of her work, and which may or may not constitute a pathological condition all of its own.

By way of mentioning something perhaps helpful to those concerned with codependency issues: it seems that the new work on attachment theory (insecure vs. secure attachment, limerance, etc.) is starting to explain what is commonly called "codependency" in a much more rigorously objective and scientific way, devoid of the fashion-and-faith-based paradigms of the recovery movement (which can at times seem somewhat cult-like) as well as the recovery movement's tendency to over-pathologize well-nigh everything that is not completely "normative" from its sometimes myopic point of view. It seems that attachment theory might offer a better working model for individuals who suffer from relationship issues due to childhood experiences. At the very least, it is certainly something to investigate if you're an individual concerned with "codependency."

Some things said simply are more powerful thanks to their simplicity. This book provides a forceful, unflinching description of how people who are raised in a dysfunctional or abusive environment often sabotage and cripple their lives. The structure of the book is straightforward. The situations Mellody discusses are often sound sadly ordinary rather than extraordinary. But the resulting emotional resonance of this book is undeniable.
Mellody methodically dissects the disorder she calls codependency. She first explains how when working with addicted individuals as a nurse in a recovery center in Arizona she saw a repeated pattern of dysfunctional behavior in individuals and their families that went beyond the addictions for which the individuals were being treated. Her work there and her own personal development led to the conclusions in this book. (One of the wonderful aspects of the book is that when Mellody talks about codependents and their behavior) she does not speak condescendingly about "those codependents", but rather uses examples that begin with "I" or "us." This creates a powerful intimacy.
There are four main sections to the book. The first section details what she sees as the core symptoms of codependency: difficulty experiencing appropriate levels of self-esteem, difficulty setting functional boundaries, difficulty owning and expressing one's own reality, difficulty taking care of one's adult needs and wants, and difficulty behaving moderately. The second section details how dysfunctional family can push a child (whom Mellody describes as inherently valuable, vulnerable, imperfect, dependent, and immature) into codependency. The third section describes the many kinds of abuse (most of which are not obviously traumatizing on first review) that can push an individual, particularly a child toward codependency. And the last section provides a very preliminary road map to healing codependency: the first step she argues is an awareness of one's codependent state, and second step is a desire to change.
The book addresses well struggles that are an issue for many/most people. It touches on feelings that make books like "The Prince of Tides" and Alice Miller's "The Drama of the Gifted Child" resonant for so many. Here the presentation of more clinical, but not necessarily any less moving. I have two main complaints with the book. First, I don't think the term "codependent" does justice to the broad variety of symptoms that Mellody covers. In fact, I think the title of book alone might dissuade people who otherwise benefit from reading the book. I don't have a wonderful alternative, but I think a title like "Facing Dysfunctional Behavior" or "Facing Self-sabotaging Behavior" would be more accurate. Second, as in many of the twelve-step programs, Mellody consider a "Higher Power" an element in addressing codependent behavior. In reading the book I saw no reason to bring in this concept, and doing so might limit the applicability of these insight to those who are so predisposed. A good, and surprisingly powerful, little powerful book.

I was recommended this book by a person in AA. I am a recovering alcoholic and addict of other things. In my recovery I became desperate to not loose the woman I want to make my wife but couldn't manage my feelings. My rage and overreactions were greatly damaging to her and her daughter. I sought out psychological help in addition to AA and a Psychiatric evaluation.

I was told that there was nothing medically wrong with me and that therapy might help but that I had carried shame from parents which they had received unknowingly from their parents. I was advised to continue to work the 12 steps to improve and change my character. When I shared this with a friend he recommended Pia's book. It was straight forward, well constructed and easy to read. It provided the answers to how I had learned to be a co-dependent and that my caregivers did this too me and with out intent. The book also gave me the pathway to working on myself to be healthier and happier and ultimately how to not loose those I love or kill myself. Pia's facing co-dependency has inspired me to purchase Melody Beattie's workbook Codependent No More so my journey continues!

This book more than any other helped me to spot the very subtle, covert abuse in my family. It also woke me out of a lot of denial and minimization about my past. I had light bulb moments constantly as I devoured this book. It is overwhelming to realize what I have to overcome but this book also gave me the much needed reassurance that I can get there. I can't wait to read more of Pia Mellody's books. I found her writing to be clearer and more encouraging than Melody Beattie's Codependent No More. I am so grateful I found this book and Pia Mellody.

As a 10-year fan of Melody Beattie, I hadn't felt drawn to Pia Mellody's work until recently when I bought these books for a group. I read this one when it arrived and was completely absorbed by the entirely different, but complementary, perspective compared with Beattie's work. This book is a worthwhile read for anyone wanting to make better sense of their lives and relationships.

This book is the best work on codependce. Pia Mellody shares how to recover by reparenting yourself. She identifies what codependent behavior is in an easy to understand and read format. I love her work and I think she is the authority on codependence and how to work with it. Any therapist working with clients would benefit from reading any of her books, however, this one is my favorite.

This book wholeheartedly changed my life. Mellody gives a fantastic insight into the underlying causes and symptoms of codependence and how deeply it can influence a person's life. THough worth it, this book is a difficult read; the material is indepth and can be confusing to someone who is unfamiliar with the true "roots" of codependence. It is also difficult from an emotional perspective as it will certainly drudge up any issues on the surface of one's subconscious. Facing codependence was like opening a door to an entirely new level of my own healing process. It has helped me improve every important area of my life, especially relationships; Mellody's insights also help the reader become very area of OTHER codependents. When I originally flipped through the book(2 or 3 years ago), I was dismayed to read that recovering from codependence can be a long (3-5 year) process. Three years later, I realize how accurate that statement is. The workbook is also very helpful, but difficult to get through since dealing with an issue of this nature is often emotionally painful. If you are truly committed to your own healing path, this book is a must.

this is a great book for any who, like myself, want to know not only the "how to" of fixing unhealthy repeatitive themes in our lives, but the "why" and "where" of how it all came to be in the first place. she goes over the various types of abuse that encompass far more than the obvious physical beatings and sexual molestation but emotional, intellectual and spiritual as well, and describes how people who are neglected or abused in these ways develop into adults. for those who are steadfastly seeking healing, an accompanying workbook "breaking free" offers exercises for self-exploration and growth.

I read a lot of books with similar titles to this one. But this one is dramatically different in the sense that it (for me) correctly identified that the condition I live with is all about me... and that it lives and operates in me without having anything to do with anyone else - except that the actions of others can trigger me.

I feel that a lot of other books on codependence seem to invoke depictions of "someone that supports and enables another person's destructive habits". I would judge that to be a tiny subset of the behaviour, and not much to do with the problem at all. Pia describes how it is really a disease of impaired emotional maturaty as a result of abuse suffered during childhood. (And by abuse, it doesn't take terrible beatings to do the damage and create the condition). She then describes all the symptoms and issues that it creates in our lives. For me, it was like looking in a mirror.

The key point I wanted to present is that this book is different. I strongly believe that other addictions are medications to help mask and dull the pain that comes from codependence.

I have purchased five copies of it now... I keep giving it away.

Pia captures the feelings and emotions bringing things into a unique perspective. Highly recommended reading. You never know unless you explore and Face Life head on. Thank you Pia!
Bling Blinky of TEXAS - Excellent!

A counselor referred me to this book...and it has changed my life! I am reading it a second time now. I never knew answers on why I am the way I am and this book does that for me. I would HIGHLY recommend this book! I am lucky because I had assistance understanding the theories about codependence and how to overcome the symptoms. I don't know if this book is as good without some professional guidance, but I think it is a great start for anyone. I am beginning Mellody's follow-up recovery workbook "Breaking Free" in hopes of an ultimate and infinite cure. Again, I highly recommend this book.

One of the most moving parts of this book is her discussion of the "natural characteristics [of a child] that make them authentic human beings... valuable, vulnerable, imperfect, dependent and immature." Not perfect, independent, mature, self-contained, and impervious to hurt. Imagine my surprise! Anyone from a dysfunctional family where meeting Mom & Dad's needs was more important than the parents meeting your needs can benefit from this book. It brought up a lot of sadness for me, but it also encouraged me to begin to parent myself in healthy ways.

A great book to recommend clients, due to its simplicity in explaining concepts complemented with the use of stories. I have recommended it to many of my clients who have greatly benefitted from the book's proufound truths as it pushes them towards introspection and self-awareness. A great book to recommend to parents to equip them with skills to aid their children's optimal emotional and psychological development. Personally, I have gained insight into my own codependence and ways to overcome it in my quest to be a more effective therapist and healthy individual.

The term co-dependent always had a negative vibe for me so I was skeptical when someone recommended this book. In truth, the book is about the affects of trauma and how to recover from them. It is one of the best books I've read on the subject. In this case, don't judge the book by its title.

This is a very good book explaining the root of codependence and the problems associated with it. It is very useful for people experiencing high levels of codependence. Perhaps a very painful eye-opener for those who are ready to face this type of awareness (if we are not ready, we can just deny it). However, I think that this book does not emphasize enough that codependence occurs in varying degrees. The best book that eloquently explains this as well as the process of becoming codependent and how to release ourselves from it is "The Ever-Transcending Spirit" by Toru Sato. It is an incredibly well-written book and should be read by every adult in the world!

This book was recommended by my therapist. It opened my eyes to a few things I did not see before. It helps you put words and faces to things you see and experience. It is very enlightening and helpful!! I would highly recommend it for anyone. It helps you to see and understand codependency, and ways that it manifests in our lives and childhood. It gives examples of functional and the dysfunctional. I just got the workbook that goes along with it, and am currently working on it. I give it many kudos!

We all know that when we drop a stone in one part of a pond it creates ripple effects. Its the same thing with a person's life from the very beginning, what happens to him or her in childhood creates a ripple effect or domino effect all the way to the present. People often say that they are who they are not just because of their inborn traits but also because of their experiences in life. If what you have experienced in childhood made you who you are, which in turn influenced your behavior in your adolescent and teen-age years, which again added new negative experiences for we know how brutal adolescent and teen-age years are, which again affected you and rippled effect to your 20's....the vicious cycle doesn't end. It is like what Chaos Theory is saying, "Sensitivity to initial reaction" it is observed everywhere: one domino, in a long line of dominos, fall..the rest fall too one by one; in a house of card you take off one from the bottom and a slight mistake will make the whole house of card fall; how you angled your shooting arm SLIGHTLY different from how you usually shoot a basketball affects the angle of the ball GREATLY by the time it gets close to the rim....this is because the effects can be INCREMENTAL, meaning for example as a person is growing up, the effects of childhood may not be noticable because its effects are incremental over the years, it COMPOUNDS in a way that you are not AT THE RIGHT LEVEL in your life...everybodys doing a Marathon and your not doing anything with your life at all, or your doing a one-hundred meter dash while everybody else is doing a Marathon, my point is your not doing it LEVEL by LEVEL as you grow up which in the long run compounds enough to begin to affect you adversely. If you were not doing anything in life at all later on you'll feel sorry for it for everybody lived their life, their at 8 and you are still at 4, and if you tried to be so ahead all of your life you might one day regret it because you didn't get to live life like how everybody else lived life, they went through 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10, you jumped from 1 to 10, MISSING OUT all in between! so childhood has a long effect on a person's life, maybe you can incrementally break free of your childhood, see what happens.

Not what I expected ...focuses on drinkers or substance co-dependency, it had nothing to do with Covert Narcissism or codependents that are not related to substance abuse which is what I was looking for.

Facing Codependence is one of the most life altering books I have read... It outlines simple situations that as an adult we do on a daily basis. Not only does the book give examples, but the underalignement of our actions. The book unvails who we are and where we learned certain patterns. As I read the book, I recalled many situations of my own life. We are codependent in one form or another. The challenging part is to act on it and change...

I give many thanks to Pia Mellody for her research and courage to understand human beings... Thank you!!!!

Ralph

This is the first book on codependence that really relates to me. It's like reading my life story and it helps to understand why I am like I am. If your childhood was more about taking care of your parents than them taking care of you, this is a must read.

I struggled with this book. To a certain extent it struck a chord with some of the issues I have with relationships. But, I think it would reach almost anyone but a total narcissist on some level. Parts of it were helpful, but I found the incessant parent bashing unproductive. All parents struggle to make appropriate child rearing decisions. Inevitably they make mistakes. The book doesn't ever really seem to acknowledge that most parents do the best they can. Nor does it really stress the responsibility of the codependent for one's own life despite circumstances.

Additionally, I struggled with the presumptuous tone of the author and glaring contradictions and inconsistencies. On the one hand the author talks of overcoming a codependent's need for outside approval and allowing one's view of self to be determined by what others think. On the other hand, despite the author's own anorexic tendencies, she faults a man who's comfortable with his body for not realizing he's obese----because someone else says he is. The book is full of this type of inconsistency. Tells you you're only responsible for your own happiness but then puts responsibility for all ills on bad parents.

Finally, the book seems to be a theory based primarily on the author's observation, but supported by precious little research. Nice theory and somewhat helpful, but not the beacon of enlightenment for me that many readers report.

This is a fantastic book to discover your upbringing between 0-17 years of age. If you were abused/neglected/confused in anyway of your upbringing - this will shed light on why you may act in the ways you do today - as an adult. I surpressed many ugly details of my childhood and totally related to why I hid my true feelings as I grew older.

This was an outstanding book for codependents. It was very informative and realistic. I felt like flying to Wickenburg AZ to thank Pia Mellody herself for the tremendous help she has been to me through her book. She helps you deal with everyday situations in a productive way... instead of chaotic.. It was easy to understand and easy to apply... thank you, Pia, you are a godsend to me and my family...

As a professional Christian Coach I am especially mindful of that which I encourage clients to read. Ms. Mellody provides sound insight into the world of codependency based upon solid clincal intervention. At Truth Coaching, we come along side of great people, who may be stuck at times. This book is a fantastic resource for those stuck in codependency.

This book is fabulous. I am recovering from being codependent. It has been a struggle but I am very proud of the work I have done. This book has helped me understand so much about the problems of codependency. I highly recommend it.

This book focused heavily on what codependence is and how it develops. Mellody bases codependence on the disease model and uses a 12 step approach that she does not delve much into to cure it. I had several problems with this book, first being that I don't agree with the disease model. It seemed what she described was more of a pattern of maladaptive behaviors.

She depended a lot on anecdotal evidence and bad science for the basis of her book. For instance, she took that people can repress memories of traumatic events as fact when studies have found no evidence that people repress memories. Sadly, it is established that far too many children are horrifically abused, and that children who are abused remember it. They don't repress. Further, the idea that memories can be repressed and recovered is damaging for several reasons. One is that a person suddenly has memories of traumatic events that never happened that they now have to live with. Second is that a parents who did not rape or abuse their children all of the sudden finds him/her to be falsely accused.

Mellody also depends on 12 step programs for recovery. The problem is that 12 step programs are not effective. Studies have shown that they have a very high failure rate (around 90% depending on the program). This is no better than remission rates among people not attending a 12 step program.

Mellody focuses a lot time on what causes codependence figuring that by introspection, insight, realization, and submitting oneself to a Higher Power a person can get on the road to recovery. The thing is insight may help you understand why you are the way you are, but it doesn't tell you how to become who you want to. You're still left with the same maladaptive patterns you always did. Further, reliving painful memories rarely helps a person move forward with their life.

I felt that there should have been more of a focus on adaptative behaviors. What does a functional family look like? How does a functional family communicate? When you take away someone's maladaptive behaviors, you have to give them something functional to put in it's place, otherwise they'll pick up different maladaptive ones.

Finally, I vehemently disagreed with her condition that recovery depends upon relying on a higher power. Millions of people live satisfying, productive, and healthy lives and are atheists. I even know someone who was raised in an abusive household and worked hard at learning adaptive behaviors and today is a successful person who has a stable job and raised a functional family. She is also an atheist.

So pretty much this book excluded atheists from her model of a recovery...and a good model of recovery should encompass people from all belief systems.

The sole redeeming thing about this book is that it is an accurate portrayal of abuse and how it runs through families. It also had a good discussion on boundaries and what good boundaries look like.

This cannot make up for the bad science and the exclusion of atheists and subsequently I cannot recommend this book.

I am from Mexico, I speak spanish and I like to have the book "facing codependence" in spanish. Could you help me? I like to get the cassettes also. Thank you. Maybe the book is in spanish, how can I get it here, I have been looking for it but I can not find it. Please, help me! Is urgent.

Terms were rarely defined and conditions were not differentiated from one another. Blame and victimization was pervasive. Very disappointed. Would suggest anyone looking into using this facility carefully assess credentials of people there, and compare it to others.