Why We Love People Who Hurt Us - The Human Magnet Syndrome

INCREDIBLE! I have recommended this book to several friends already and everyone has loved it! It does an incredible job of explaining why we are attracted to the wrong people, but more importantly how to change that! Codependency is revealed in a whole new way! A must read!

This book has been a wake up call. When you finally realize that you know enough.. To love yourself.. More than you love anyone else... And that if you go back. It would be for good.. So you take one giant step forward... The leap. The long jump.... Never to be I'm that moment again!!! Bravo.

I have been through exactly the same acenarios as the author and have completely destroyed myself emotionally, mentally, financially. The only good thing was I asked for help when I completely lost myself. And I got it through this first lesson my therapist wanted me to read. If you fall in the pattern of always ending up in the same type of relationships that take your everything and give nothing in return, you must read this on your path to finding your new self. If only reading about it sounds familiar, please buy it and start changing your life for better. It helped me and I am proudly recommending it.

This book forces the reader to take a hard look at their past and present lives. It removes the rose coloured glasses we seem to wear when it comes to relationships and forces up to face the harsh reality.
Riveting.

The text was overly clinical, and thankfully, huge sections didn't apply to my past. However, the information presented has already helped me understand patterns in my life. Armed with a greater understanding of what makes me tick, I am hopeful to break some lifelong patterns.

Or it could be why he never leaves her. The person in question is that person who so badly treated that no one can understand why he/she stays. Sometimes, the negligent or abusive spouse acts out only in private, and people wonder why that person stays with that limp dish rag and door mat of a spouse who acts the martyr. This book discuses the relationship between Rosenberg's described co-dependent and emotional manipulator. The cod- dependent needs to care for someone at the center of his/her life. For the emotional manipulator, that's a great idea and only their due. The relationship starts with fireworks and drama and love at first sight. The drama continues.

This book describes the particulars of both partners. While he is short on solutions, the descriptions are detailed and revealing. For therapist, patient, or participant, this book gives a useful dissertation of the magnet attraction that so frustrates the couple and their friends and family.

I did like this book very much. Not only was it very insightful, but it helped me to see some things more clearly. I did skip some parts of it at the end because it was more geared toward the psychotherapist.

This is an awesome book. I may not agree with everything verbatim, but Dr. Rosenberg definitely has some good and key points in this book. I tell you one thing, it will definitely make you re-evaluate your relationships with others.

Good Job!!

It would be an excellent book if it were not for the authors accusatory terminology and then his justification of the same. I read this book because I am currently in divorce proceedings from my -4 co-dependent and, as I once believed she was my soul mate, wanted to understand her in order to harbor no ill feelings regarding the termination of our marriage.. So okay, I am on the plus side of the authors scale. The label the uses for anyone on the plus side is "emotional abuser." While co-dependent is widely used (although not a psychiatric diagnosis, ) to the best of my knowledge this author is the only one who uses the terminology "emotional abuser" to describe anyone on the positive side of his scale. He then uses the 3 most negatively connotative psychiatric personality disorders (borderline, narcissistic, antisocial) to further his cause.

He then goes on to write that if your insulted by being called an emotionally abusive borderline pain in the ass jerk narcissist with antisocial (possibly criminal) tendencies it is because you are impossible to fix and don't want to look at how totally screwed up you really are and this just proves his theory. Who is the emotional abuser now?

Okay, so in fairness, let's see how many books he can sell if he changes the name of those clustered on the negative side of his scale. How about instead of "co-dependent" he calls them....I don't know...how about...I got it...."doormat martyrs" and parallels their condition with the dependent, histrionic, and avoidant personality disorders. I am sure that if they take offence at this it is just a defense mechanism they are using to deny their condition.

Would have been nice to have some actual tools. Mostly this is a set up for therapy services. Therapy is good and books with some actual tangible items to work with helps when therapy is not readily available.

I am only about 1/2 way through this title, but after attending a seminar with Dr. Rossenberg, I absolutely had to have this book. It breaks down relationships, especially those between a Codependent and Emotional Manipulator so well that I am using some of the concepts in groups I run dealing with relationship issues. I would highly recommend this to anyone in the counseling field who is working with individuals/couples with relationship issues, or for yourself to have a new way of looking at relationships in general.

Rosenberg comes across as pretentious and patronizing. He is strong on using personal pronouns - I, me, my, mine. What he touts as his own revolutionary view is somewhat muddled and falls far short of revolutionary. I'm sorry I spent money on it.

Rosenberg comes across as pretentious and patronizing. He is strong on using personal pronouns - I, me, my, mine. What he touts as his own revolutionary view is somewhat muddled and falls far short of revolutionary. I'm sorry I spent money on it.

As a licensed Psychotherapist, I Liked the book except the chapter on magnetism .This part convoluted and appears to be there to justify the title.
Almost made me stop reading.
I have loaned this to a client and told her to brush past that part as well as the brain descriptions.

Who knew! This has been the best book I have come across to explain why my romantic relationships have been so unsatisfying. I knew that I was part of the problem but I didn't know what the other half of the problem was.....now I do and it has been an eye opening experience to say the least. Now to get on with the work of fixing things and looking forward to a happier, more fulfilling way to be and have.

Recommended by my counsellor.... I think normally a book a trained counsellor would read, as she told me.... but I found it informative and very interesting in my current situation. Had some very valid points and conceptions. Worth the read. I am glad I bought it as I can look back and comtemplate aspects of my relationship and indeed my very self whenever I need to.

Wow, as a therapist and as a layperson I loved this well researched and thought out book. Detailed examples and definitions of both the emotional manipulator and the codependent, what attracts them to each other and how to find healthy love.

I think everyone should read this book. it explains alot why we keep choosing the wrong
people. Maybe we will think and consider before we jump head long into a narcisstic relationship doomed to fail.

This book overgeneralizes dysfuntional relationships into one category: The emotional manipulator and codependent attract each other like magnets. Most dysfunctional relationship attractions are much more complex. For example, a person who does not accept their homosexuality may get into a heterosexual relationship to avoid dealing with their extreme distress about being gay. Narcissists sometimes have relationships with other narcissists because they like to build each other up on superficial qualities and avoid intimacy. I like the part where the author said he believes prosfessional helpers should not provide therapy services if the professional helper needs counseling/therapy for himself/herself in the area he is working with clients. (This topic could be developed into a good book, as there are many mental heatlh professionals that struggle with their own challenges, as well as mental health professionals who have done outstanding deep work on their own issues.)

The author repeats himself a lot which is somewhat annoying, but over all it's a really good book. It really opened my eyes and I definitely recommend it to anyone who finds themselves involved with someone with a personality disorder.

This book introduces solid notions to understand trauma and offers tools to free oneself from unconscious issues that are yet to be resolved. By the end I found that it repeated itself too much. Thank you Ross.

I read this after seeing several of the authors videos I bought this. This does an excellent job of defining the authors concept he wants to have used as a standard for describing this condition, however if you are looking for guidance it fails. This should be called a clinical description of the diagnosis.
I was looking for advice on how to handle these situations and in the videos he says see the book for recommendations on what to do. The book suggests professional help. Seriously? That is it? That could have been put in the video rather than shill me a book. It does define it. It does not give guidance.
The best advice I could find on the internet is get out of a relationship with a narcissist and stay away from these people. I got that free. I have no problem asking for help on improving myself, but at least give me some tools to select the criteria for a good counselor. Suggest what path I should ask the councilor about, unless you have a selection criteria to qualify a counselor who will know.
To add insult to injury there is an entire chapter devoted to the authors story, absolutely unnecessary. I felt so self promoted by the author, I wished I could return the book for a refund to vote on how I feel. Clearly he helped define the problem, but if you ever lived with the narcissistic/codependent relationship then it only defines hell, not how to escape from it.
For these reasons I can say not a self help book unless you do not know what these relationships look like. I would ask the author to give more guidance if he plans a second book and if he cannot do that for legal reason, don't make a second book.

The book breaks new ground in an understanding of the relationship between codependents and emotional manipulators. It describes a powerful model for understanding "the dance" that occurs when these opposite types meet, and why it is so difficult for one to live without the other, even though the relationship may be toxic. Despite this superb description of a syndrome desperately in need of conceptualization by helping professionals and laypersons, the book is conspicuously lacking in suggestions for the effective treatment of codependents (Rosenberg makes it clear that emotional manipulators are seldom motivated to seek treatment). In effect, the book does an outstanding job describing the problem but offers little in the way of solutions.

It's a very detail oriented book and helped me analyse patterns in my life . I was dissapointed thought as it only talks about the syndrome and doesn't talk about how to overcome the codependency and free yourself of the cycle .

I had to work hard to get through it.....It was dry, excessive explaining for simple examples and according to my interpretation I am both a narcissist AND co-dependent. According to the author this would be impossible. So.....

We are NOT these "titles" however objective he wants to make it seem. Humans are complicated and I have found myself in a dance where I was the lead and slightly narcissistic, and one where I was more submissive, watching a severe narcissist manipulate everyone. We are not one things, we are not STUCK, and this does not come straight from childhood as if we have not been exposed to millions of cultural and media fed cues that inform and confuse us since childhood.

Also, his idea of a "healthy" relationship...while it sounds great...lacks "human-like" flaws. I understand levels of dysfunction, but there are healthy relationships that struggle too! Are we to feel so bad about our "flaws?" How dare we have any, cause if we do, we are dysfunctional? Alan Watts says "The activity we employ in overcoming the mess is in fact the mess." I felt this strongly while reading this book. It's a mess! and I am a mess for even reading it!

What particularly disturbed me is the idea that "passionate feelings" and "fire" between two people, can only ever be a subconscious dance between co-dependent and manipulator. Does this mean that no happy couple ever felt passion? Only dysfunctional relationships?

The "boxed in" style where the author only ever lets us think about relationships as either "healthy" or "dysfunctional," is insulting. We are either healthy people, or not? Is it not possible that we "become" or "follow roles" when in different situations?

Honestly, there is little to take away from this book. Far better stuff has been written by Tracy Macmillian, Daniel Gilbert, Dan Harris...Writer, professor and TV new anchor. Sorry Ross Rosenberg, it didn't hit a note with me. :-(

Rosenberg constitutes two insights with good potential to help those who repeat patterns of unhappy relationships. Those ideas are: (1) because of the way they were reared, some people believe that love, care and respect must earned by their deeds, and (2) people who believe love must be earned and those who believe their own need for love, care and respect must always come first tend to attract each other. Rosenberg spends far too much time on psychotherapist self-care and self-awareness in sections that feel like padding. The book is short on prescriptive solutions; it offers disappointingly few strategies to overcome individual shortcomings that doom us to repeat unhealthy patterns. The book is long on descriptions of the problem, which may be helpful to counselors but of limited use to the rest of us. This book does not live up to its intention of showing us how to put unhealthy patterns behind us. Awkward writing throughout.

Boring. The DSM tome is more fun to read than this lightweight interpretation of how psychological disorders affect our relationships. And using TV characters to model relationship examples? Bah! Dr. Rosenberg may be an excellent therapist in person and I'm very happy he found a rewarding relationship later in life, but after reading this, all I got was to go to therapy. So why read his book? I learned nothing.

I bought this because it was recommended to me by someone who knows a lot about NPD, but for some reason I could not get into it. It didn't resonate with me even though I am interested in the subject of the co-dependent--narcissist relationship. Maybe it was the writing style, but I gave up reading it after a few chapters. I donated it to Goodwill and I hope it helps whoever picks it up.

I don't think there is anything new here. He spends a lot of time talking about himself, which came off as narcissistic. The author uses the metaphor of a dance to refer to a relationship and comes off like this is something that he came up with on his own. This metaphor has been used for years to describe a relationship.

He posted a YouTube video in the Reviews section where he flip flops on the theory in the book and says sex addicts are codependents and the partners are the narcissists. Blaming the partner of the sex addict seems to be a new low in the therapeutic world.

Also, if you scan through the other one-star reviews, the author has responded to these in a defensive manner. That also seems very inappropriate and immature.

Finally, the author makes his case in a very black and white manner, neatly fitting humans into his labelled boxes. Human nature is anything but black and white and leaves the reader with the impression that if you are in a relationship like this you are doomed. Like the other one-star reviewers reference, there is no advice for how to move beyond the dysfunctional relationship yet he touts his 26 years of experience. It is difficult to believe that after 26 years he has no advice to offer the reader to move forward.

A fresh approach to view relationships. A way to understand complicated personality types and apply those traits to your life. Whether you are a professional guiding your clients, a life coach offering tips, or just someone who needs to understand why they have difficulties attracting nice people, this book is for you. Highlights include: understanding others' selfishness, identifying takers and givers, providing a scale to see where one fits in, and identifying what about ourselves attracts these types of individuals. Most of the books I've read, as a professional Social Worker/Therapist, about Narcissism are complicated. So having this book to aid in not only understanding Narcissists, but also to have a book to be able to recommend to my clients, is appreciated. Thank you.

Donna Crunkilton-Stiegel, MSW, LCSW

Mr. Rosenberg writes that the scapegoat will become a narcissist and the "golden child" will become the empath. He's got it wrong. It is vice versa:

The golden child never needs to develop empathy since it can't do no wrong. It will just incorporate the grandiosity delusion of its narcissistic parent and become a narcissit itself. And will as such start the next cycle.
The scapegoat on the other hand can't do no right. This child will try to detect the smallest signs of the next attack and will therefore absolutely need to develop empathy. As an adult it will become the empath that is desperatly trying to heal a narcissistic partner. (or maybe just will heal through therapy and get out of the cycle).

So Mr. Rosenberg has chapters 8 and 9 completely mixed up and turned around, drawing the wrong conclusions and messing up the causes.
Sounds like gaslighting to me...

The Human Magnet Syndrome was an eye-opening book. I learned about the attraction between co-dependents and emotional manipulators, and how these relationships can become toxic. Through the Continuum of Self theory, Rosenberg talks about the "magnetic force" that draws opposite personality types to each other -- and why these relationships can become dysfunctional or result in a perfect match. We all fit somewhere on the Continuum, and this book helped me discover where my husband and I sit on the range. Highly recommend - great book.

This gentleman described my passionate courtship and suffering to a T. Helped me understand that I am codependent and will always try to dance with the emotional manipulator. Why don't they teach us this stuff in School? The book is a tedious read however, he spends way too much time repeating his theory. Wish he would provide tools for couples who can recognize they are in this relationship and want to honor their marriage vows. The author assumes there is no marriage or that divorce or a lifetime of suffering and dysfunction are the only 2 options.

This book is much better than I expected it to be. Ross Rosenberg really has tried hard to put together a clinical perspective of codependency. The weakness of this text, as some others have noted, is that the core points could have made with much less filler and the scientific basis is lacking somewhat. Rosenberg, as far as I can find, is not an active researcher publishing research. On the other hand, he does not claim to to be, and he is quite honest about his model is a rule of thumb that is only applicable in one dimension. I especially appreciate how Rosenberg raises points of relative cultural values--specifically stating that he is not experienced in other cultures, but other norms are possible. This makes me feel Rosenberg is not over the top and claiming to have some universal theory. He never does that. Rather, Rosenberg stays very close to what he knows from his counseling experience. Compared to a couple other very good books on the topics: Codepency for Dummies and Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life, this book is actually more complete in its contextualization, and its scientific approach. Not super hard science, but still, well grounded in his practice. Rosenberg's work differs in that it focuses on the balance of the relationship. The symmetrical situation is the core of this book, and I found it very insightful.

I found Ross Rosenberg via either his Facebook or YouTube page; so happy I found him as I've learned so much from him! I understood the concept of the Human Magnet Syndrome by watching his videos and listening to his podcasts. But the book gave an even more in depth explanation on why co-dependents (that's me) end up in relationships with emotional manipulators/narcissists (that's my ex-husband and past boyfriends). As others have stated, this isn't a "how to" self-help book that will help you heal and get over these types of relationships. It's a "why did this happen to me?" book and will help make sense of why we end up in relationships like this.

When my ex and I met over 20 years ago, I was for sure a -5 codependent and he was and still is a +5 emotional manipulator. I will not go into all the details of our relationship, but he was lying and cheating on me right from the beginning. All the classic signs of being involved with a narc were present right from the beginning and only got worse over the years -- pathological lying, gaslighting, projection, control, triangulation, etc. A little over ten years ago I started to get emotionally healthier by reading books and working on myself. I now think I'm a -2 co-dependent. As I got emotionally healthier, our dance wasn't working anymore. He didn't like the boundaries I was trying to set -- no seeing women and having emotional affairs -- he said I was trying to "control" him. So he started lying in order to continue to do what he still thought he was ENTITLED to do with women. And there's more, but I won't get into it.

I'm looking forward to reading Ross' next book -- how to heal from being in a relationship with an emotional manipulator/narc. Ross has a really nice "big brother" vibe to him and this comes across in his videos, podcasts and his book, too.

Mr. Rosenberg writes that the scapegoat will become a narcissist and the "golden child" will become the empath. He's got it wrong. It is vice versa:

The golden child never needs to develop empathy since it can't do no wrong. It will just incorporate the grandiosity delusion of its narcissistic parent and become a narcissit itself. And will as such start the next cycle.
The scapegoat on the other hand can't do no right. This child will try to detect the smallest signs of the next attack and will therefore absolutely need to develop empathy. As an adult it will become the empath that is desperatly trying to heal a narcissistic partner. (or maybe just will heal through therapy and get out of the cycle).

So Mr. Rosenberg has chapters 8 and 9 completely mixed up and turned around, drawing the wrong conclusions and messing up the causes.
Sounds like gaslighting to me...

The Human Magnet Syndrome was an eye-opening book. I learned about the attraction between co-dependents and emotional manipulators, and how these relationships can become toxic. Through the Continuum of Self theory, Rosenberg talks about the "magnetic force" that draws opposite personality types to each other -- and why these relationships can become dysfunctional or result in a perfect match. We all fit somewhere on the Continuum, and this book helped me discover where my husband and I sit on the range. Highly recommend - great book.

This gentleman described my passionate courtship and suffering to a T. Helped me understand that I am codependent and will always try to dance with the emotional manipulator. Why don't they teach us this stuff in School? The book is a tedious read however, he spends way too much time repeating his theory. Wish he would provide tools for couples who can recognize they are in this relationship and want to honor their marriage vows. The author assumes there is no marriage or that divorce or a lifetime of suffering and dysfunction are the only 2 options.

This book is much better than I expected it to be. Ross Rosenberg really has tried hard to put together a clinical perspective of codependency. The weakness of this text, as some others have noted, is that the core points could have made with much less filler and the scientific basis is lacking somewhat. Rosenberg, as far as I can find, is not an active researcher publishing research. On the other hand, he does not claim to to be, and he is quite honest about his model is a rule of thumb that is only applicable in one dimension. I especially appreciate how Rosenberg raises points of relative cultural values--specifically stating that he is not experienced in other cultures, but other norms are possible. This makes me feel Rosenberg is not over the top and claiming to have some universal theory. He never does that. Rather, Rosenberg stays very close to what he knows from his counseling experience. Compared to a couple other very good books on the topics: Codepency for Dummies and Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life, this book is actually more complete in its contextualization, and its scientific approach. Not super hard science, but still, well grounded in his practice. Rosenberg's work differs in that it focuses on the balance of the relationship. The symmetrical situation is the core of this book, and I found it very insightful.

I found Ross Rosenberg via either his Facebook or YouTube page; so happy I found him as I've learned so much from him! I understood the concept of the Human Magnet Syndrome by watching his videos and listening to his podcasts. But the book gave an even more in depth explanation on why co-dependents (that's me) end up in relationships with emotional manipulators/narcissists (that's my ex-husband and past boyfriends). As others have stated, this isn't a "how to" self-help book that will help you heal and get over these types of relationships. It's a "why did this happen to me?" book and will help make sense of why we end up in relationships like this.

When my ex and I met over 20 years ago, I was for sure a -5 codependent and he was and still is a +5 emotional manipulator. I will not go into all the details of our relationship, but he was lying and cheating on me right from the beginning. All the classic signs of being involved with a narc were present right from the beginning and only got worse over the years -- pathological lying, gaslighting, projection, control, triangulation, etc. A little over ten years ago I started to get emotionally healthier by reading books and working on myself. I now think I'm a -2 co-dependent. As I got emotionally healthier, our dance wasn't working anymore. He didn't like the boundaries I was trying to set -- no seeing women and having emotional affairs -- he said I was trying to "control" him. So he started lying in order to continue to do what he still thought he was ENTITLED to do with women. And there's more, but I won't get into it.

I'm looking forward to reading Ross' next book -- how to heal from being in a relationship with an emotional manipulator/narc. Ross has a really nice "big brother" vibe to him and this comes across in his videos, podcasts and his book, too.

This book is an amazing first step in recognizing the dysfunction within your relationship with someone with a personality disorder that doesn't or can't change and continues to hurt you again and again. It is also can be helpful to recognize that you don't have it so bad! Haha!

I do feel like other unhealthy partners or patterns could be included (such as the chronically depressed/irritable or generally self-centered partner) but overall the positive message resonates for many. Definitely recommend this book if you suspect your partner is borderline, narcissistic, or an addict. Even if they aren't (like my situation) it was a very good book that I have recommend to others.

I could tell that the author had really put some years of dedication and study into this work. I enjoyed the illustrations as much as the well written content. I understood what it was inside of me that attracted me to the narcissistic personality. How I was a perfect opposite match. This book was my first turning point of truth for my personal recovery! I had previously done a lot of reading and self reflection about codependency. My view was more like looking through an opened door instead of a keyhole! I do like the revised definition this author uses as "Self Love Deficiency Disorder" or SLDD for codependency. It's been 2 years now. I've made a U-turn and revisited my childhood self. I've gone from counselor to Life Coaching for additional help. I am sleeping well for the first time in years. My health and vitality has increased. I quit emotionally yielding to other people in my life and I take care myself first now now.

After reading Rosenberg's work, I can highly recommend it to people who have been 'hit' by the runaway train of a love that turned out to be anything but love. The writing is insightful and easily accessible to both lay persons and academics. I also think it can provide valuable insight for those in management positions who encounter Narcissists and other disruptive personalities in their workplace. I believe that this book can be an asset to both the every day people that Rosenberg directs it at, and the academics and counselors out there who may need a fresh perspective.

Farrell F. Neeley, PhD

This book gave me a sensation that only a great book can - it gave me the chills as I read many scenarios described that fit my life exactly. This is basically a map of why certain personalities that are dysfunctional find themselves together. For instance, I am codependent and continually find myself with narcissistic partners. Reading that and being able to see my past more clearly has made me more certain of my future.

The author presents a concept regarding human relationships and how/why people are attracted to each other. Although we often hear that “opposites attract” – hence the metaphor of the magnet – Rosenberg positions adult relationships according to each partner’s self-orientation, or self-value, on a continuum, with -5 and +5 being on the extreme (most dysfunctional) ends, and healthy relationships in the middle. Those on the extremes find themselves in a “dysfunctional dance” which holds them in the relationship, no matter how toxic it is to each of them. In less extreme cases, or if one person is in the middle or slightly to the right or left of the continuum while their partner is at one of the extremes, it is possible and more likely that the more healthy individual will be able to end this unhealthy relationship.
Although I understood my own tendency toward co-dependency, the extreme end of which would be classified as a -5 CSV, the concept of a “magnet” on a continuum of attraction helped me define and understand the 20 year relationship I had with a narcissistic “emotional manipulator”. I realized that I was not at the extreme of the continuum, and therefore eventually had the courage to end our dysfunctional relationship when I accepted the fact that he was never going to change. I later married a more healthy individual which has been a greatly satisfying relationship.

The most interesting part of the book, to me, were chapters 10-14 which describe in detail the different categories that dysfunctional people fall into (I was able to identify several individuals especially on the narcissistic side!), and why. The author contends that the way a child is raised and by which type (healthy vs. narcissist, emotional manipulator, codependent) shapes his/her own personality and relationship tendencies in later life. Of course not everyone falls into one of these extremes and people can change, as I did.

My only criticism of the book was that it was too repetitive. The author re-explains the concept and continuum of the “human magnet” several times throughout the book, which I felt was unnecessary.

For 30 years I have tried to figure out why I wasn't lovable, worthy, whole; this book shed light on a hope that I can undo some of the damage from a covert narcissistic mother and co-dependent father to embrace the real, true, wonderful me.

I haven't completed reading this book yet but so far it is super! Pinpoints areas in my life that opened my eyes to the reality of the type of men I was always drawn to and why. I need to work on breaking his cycle.

Enjoy it, dear reader, and I hope it helps you as much as it is and has helped me!

One of the main topics of this book is narcissism, which the author considers a Bad Thing. It's interesting to note, therefore, that "me," "I,' and "myself" are three of the most commonly used words in the book. The author can't go one page without another anedote about himself, his work, or his successes. He repeatedly quotes his own prose and poetry, so that the reader will be able to receive the same illuminations as the hundreds of patients with whom he's shared his insights He seems totally unaware that he's doing this, and seems to have no insight into his own self-aggrandizing and self-congratulation.
This might be tolerable if the book contained a spark of imagination or brilliance, but in fact, the opposite is true. Every aspect of the book: from the prose and the grammar, to the discussion, analysis, and explication of his subject is at a low level of intelligence. It's unclear whether this is deliberate or simply a reflection of his own lack of intellect, education, and lack of insight.
Perhaps this book has a few good points in it somewhere, but no one with a decent college education will be able to read this without having to dumb down. A lot.

Reading Ross' book, I learned so much about myself that was unexpected. His methods of explanation are spot on to the lay person and super easy to understand. I could see parts of myself (and my relationships - both past and present) in his details and was amazed at the sense of peace it gave to me to finally "understand." Ross' theories are fascinating and this is a REALLY GOOD READ!!

I have both read The Human Magnet Syndrome and attended a day long workshop presented by Mr. Rosenberg. I found both to be deeply thought provoking and stimulating in valuable ways. That value applies for me both as a mental health professional and as a person continuing to seek emotional and psychological growth and understanding. I find that Ross writes and speaks both in an insightful way as a clinician and in an insightful personal way about his experiences in his own relationships and growth process. His model provides ways for both clinicians and non-clinicians to think about how to understand some of the significant difficulties so many people have in their relationships. His model demonstrates an interesting point of view on the psychological literature and thinking available and turns it into a way to apply it to daily life. Ross' use of humor allows people to not take themselves and their relationships so terribly seriously and to side step going into blame of self and other, and rather to create a path out of their relationship quagmire.

After years of trying to understand my codependency, and having different counselors at the same time--this book clearly explains in an understandable way the pull of the codependent with the narcissist.
After a divorce from a 30-year marriage, I still wanted to go back, but not understanding the reasons why. Thank you so much, Dr. Rosenberg. Your book is outstanding, and life-changing! Nelli C.

This book was very insightful. The key to having a balanced relationship is to be balanced yourself. Givers and Takers attract each other like moths to a flame. These relationships can be like a roller coaster ride with high highs and low lows. Yet healthy relationships are not so tumultuous. This book will help you understand yourself and others so much more.

INCREDIBLE- After 45 years of trying to push through the credibility of high level narcissistic behaviors I ACTUALLY WAS SUCESSFUL ONE TIME! I didn't yell, cry, needlessly sorrow or devolve into complaining. Thank you for writing this book! I think I could possibly do it again. He didn't even get a chance to demean my education, family or age:))))))))

This book has definitely enlightened me. I can relate to the beginning of the book, the mild side of emotional manipulation. And my friend and I do feed off each other and keep going back to each other. We have had what everyone including me thought was a "relationship" but in his eyes, we've only been "just friends". I now understand more on why we are so drawn to each other.

In the middle, there's a lot of psychological terminology that made for some mental heavy lifting. That said, I would readily recommend this book to anyone trying to break out of a cycle of frustrating relationships. Knowing doesn't always mean you can stop yourself, but knowing is the beginning of learning how to stop yourself.

A difficult and monotonous read. The author talks a lot about himself. Ironically his Master's level training and degree is in education not psychology or mental health. Having worked with the author professionally, he tends to overinflate his credentials, is insecure and constantly has to remind you of why he is a qualified expert.

I just got out of a two year relationship, the last year and 3 months of which were hurtful and damaging. I felt that this book described our relationship to a T. I feel that having it broken down so deftly will allow me to avoid finding the same type of person in the future and learn to love my self.

As a successful professional, who has also evolved and searched a lifetime for workable answers to the complexities of the human condition - for my patients, for myself and for those I love - Ross' work here is life defining, changing and enhancing! "The Human Magnet Syndrome" has and will continue to receive the worldwide recognition that it deserves!

Mr. Rosenberg makes several assumptions in his book and provides little clear evidence or statistics. It's purley conjecture. He "presumes" that individuals with sex addiction choose partners who are narcissists. Anyone who has ANY knowledge of sex addiction knows that narcissistic personality disorder lies at the heart of most sex addicts along wtih varying degrees of sociopathic tendancies. Labelling the partner who has NOT "acted out" as a "narcissistic magnet" lets the addict off the hook and blames the partner who is often times a victim themselves. Those victims experience REAL trauma. Mr. Rosenberg is traumatizing those victims once again.

If you want real help and real answers....skip this one.

I saw this book recommended online and came here to decide if I wanted to buy it. I have not bought it. The reason I will not, is because this 'doctor' seems to be defending himself in all of the negative reviews. I find this to be very strange and unprofessional. A bit narcissistic. Maybe he needs therapy himself.

I purchased The (unabridged) Human Magnet Syndrome on Audible.com and listened to it in its entirety. I was moved to buy a paper copy at the local bookstore. I’ve never done that before and wanted to explain why in detail that the audio book wouldn’t allow.

The Human Magnet Syndrome seems to revolve around promoting Ross for creating a baseless, unscientific theory. I found this so upsetting that I penned this letter. In a free society, you are allowed, and should believe whatever you want. However, when you publish a book or grab a microphone (page 139 paragraph 3), exerting influence over other people, you’ve accepted a responsibility. Being wrong, and spreading misinformation is damaging to the health and well being of the people you influence.

The “Strange Situation” test proved that roughly 50% of humans have a secure attachment style. Theories that withstand scrutiny and are accepted by the psychological community have vastly different numbers and four separate attachment style categories (Attached by Amir Levine and Mindsight by Dr.Daniel Seigel). I have a HUGE problem with the Continuum of Self Theory, and how it closely connects to Ross’ self-aggrandizing pattern. He promotes (page 29-49) a theory from a position of authority (LCSW, experienced psychotherapist, author, etc.) as factual. Then devotes less than ONE PARAGRAPH at the end admitting that it hasn’t been accepted by his peers nor has it been scrutinized. That’s deceptive! I think it’s notable that Ross refers to himself in the third person as “the author” in this paragraph. Dr. Daniel Seigel (author of The Mindful Therapist) and the “Strange Situation Test” also disproved pretty much everything written on pages: 67,68 and 69 and disproved much of pages: 75,81 and 82.

Paragraph two on page 78 is blatantly false. Shame on the author for completely ignoring diminished brain and immune system functioning resulting from prolonged emotional abuse.

Ross defined a lot of things, even the word “dance” (page 4). Then he repeatedly characterized codependents as “submissive” without defining it. Whereas any five year old knows what dancing is, the word submissive has several connotations. Personally, I resent being described as submissive. Ross belittles codependent people. They are negative five on the scale in his theory… less than nothing. Why not a scale of 1-11, or percentile? Paragraph two (page 101,140) blatantly states what codependents cannot do. I’ve never heard a therapist use that kind of language.

SO MUCH of his information is decades old and out of date (Freud referenced repeatedly, Roe 1964 page 79). Codependent No More is still an excellent book. Age of good information doesn’t decrease its value. Too many of his sources haven’t stood the test of time.

Many relationships involving cluster B people follow a predictable path; Idolize (love bomb) Devalue and Discard. The Dysfunctional Love Trance and Limerence (page 18,19,20,21) is simply the Idolize phase of a relationship with an emotionally manipulative person.

I really don’t understand why he applied psychology to fictional characters (page 27,28). They are comedians, and poor caricatures of complex human attachment.

The American music industry is a monopoly. Three companies produce over 90% of the music we are exposed to. There are fewer than 100 song writers for over 90% of the music we hear daily. Dr. Nathan Dewall (page 105) should’ve taken that into account, and didn’t.

Although Ross mentions Freud and Erikson (page 65,66), he fails to mention that Carl Jung disproved much of their work (page 71). Further, he mentions the 12 step programs (page 96) but never connect them to Carl Jung.

Ross mentioned that many of his emotionally manipulative critics don’t like the way he described them. The author should give their criticism some weight and see if they’re right. He dismisses critical opinions as “a group of narcissists who react defensively, with contempt or anger”, (page 91,92,93). Why did he preemptively diminish critical perspectives? It seems very passive aggressive. Pages 146-168 are all about me, me, me, me! Chapter fifteen even has the added hubris of advising his peers, many who have superior credentials.

Hi, Very wordy/repeats...hard to read. I am sure it has great information, but I could not keep reading it. I agree codependents may seek narcissists since it may be like their family tree. Thanks for writing to help others.