Dream New Dreams: Reimagining My Life After Loss

As was her intent, Ms. Pausch’s info about the lack of information that caregivers are given - the lack of support - is scary especially when you’re dealing with a life-threatening illness like she was dealing with. I am a caregiver to a spouse with Parkinson’s and dementia; our doctors have given me almost no information about dementia, to my detriment . But Ms. Pausch’s situation was much more dire than mine; she was dealing with three children under the age of six, and a life and death situation, with a husband who needed her complete attention. Not only did she need to find time for herself so that she could give back to her spouse and her children, she needed to remain emotionally healthy for her own well-being. And eventually, she had to find a new normal after her husband died. that is not a spoiler alert: we know going into the book that Randy Pausch died of pancreatic cancer in 2008. For those who are caregiving, especially in a cancer situation, I think this book would be very helpful. I am caregiving in a situation that involves dementia; my takeaway was, ‘you have to make time for yourself.’// I couldn’t put the book down. As a mother and a wife, you can absolutely put yourself in her shoes and understand how out of control her life was, through no fault of her own. She lost her husband, but she did find a new normal, and happiness for herself and her three children.

Yes ouch.

This book is difficult emotionally to read. Most of the book is very raw, and not surprisingly based on the subject matter, depressing. When I picked up this book and decided to read it, I guess I was hoping for something a little more positive than this ended up being. Not that I blame the author for this, this was her memoir chronicling her husband's illness.. however I didn't expect most of the book to be about that. With the title and description I thought this book would be more about picking up the pieces after the tragic too soon loss. In reality, only a few end chapters focus on dreaming those new dreams.

I appreciate her honesty through out the book though. It must have been extremely difficult to tell the story of Randy suggesting they put their youngest child up for adoption or reliving moments when she felt her control over life slipping away before having to regain footing as a caretaker of a sick husband and mother of three young children. This seems like a book that must have been extremely healing for her to write, to finally be able to tell her side of the story.

At the end of the book it is comforting to see that she is a survivor and that in spite of everything, she was determined to find her own path in life again. After going through such a horrible ordeal it is difficult to imagine how you can come back from that and is always inspiring to read the stories of those who do. However it is worth noting that Jai lived a life that is very different than the grand majority of people facing similar circumstances... she has the privilege of money behind her to deal/not deal with aspects of this type of loss that would leave many women in an even more vulnerable state.

A quick read, but this book falls very short from being inspiring and is extremely depressing.

Randy and Jai Pausch were married in 2000 and had three children, Dylan, Logan, and Chloe. In 2006, Randy was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer "just shy of his forty-sixth birthday." He had surgery and aggressive follow-up treatment that left him gaunt and debilitated. In July 2008, Randy passed away. "Dream New Dreams" is Jai's poignant account of her relationship with Randy (whose book, "The Last Lecture," was a phenomenon), his two-year battle with the disease, and Jai's dedicated work on behalf of organizations such as the Pancreatic Cancer Action Network.

The author would like health professionals and society as a whole to be more "concerned about the people who struggle to carry the medical burden while also meeting everyday demands." She sees the need for a "network at every oncology clinic" to assist those who are trying to manage complicated cancer care at home. Jai and Randy were lucky to have concerned family and friends, a good income, and access to the excellent physicians. However, not everyone is so fortunate. There are too many relatives of cancer sufferers who feel isolated, bewildered, and overwhelmed with responsibility. Jai asks, "Who will care for the caregiver?"

Jai writes touchingly about her romance with a man who was "a serious [computer] scientist and an intellectual, but not a snob." Randy had a sense of fun and playfulness and swept Jai off her feet with his kindness and sincerity. After their wedding, the couple settled in Pittsburgh, where Randy was a popular professor and researcher at Carnegie Mellon. Jai was 34 and Randy forty when they started their family. Little did they know that they would have less than a decade together.

"Dream New Dreams" is eloquent, candid, and gracefully written. Jai makes clear that she and Randy were not saints who never exchanged a harsh word. There were bumps in the road and an occasional argument, but they understood one another and did what they could to nurture and protect their children during Randy's illness. This was no easy task. Randy had to travel to get treatment and he wanted his wife by his side. Jai lost sleep, had to take on arduous nursing duties, and became physically and emotionally exhausted. Fortunately, Jai and Randy developed a strong support system to assist them with the many challenges that they faced.

Jai Pausch leaves us with a hopeful message. Although she and her children will always remember Randy with love, they have begun the process of healing. In addition, they are following Randy's wonderful example of looking for the magic in life every day.

Americans are squeamish about sickness and death, and there is a need for candid memoirs about loss and grief. Ms. Pausch is not a natural writer, though, and her prose tends to be stilted and repetitive. I did not get a sense of her as a person, other than that she was a wife and mother suddenly tasked with enormous family challenges, such as parenting three small children in Virginia on the weekends during the same time her spouse demanded her presence at his months of chemotherapy in Texas. The author shares some of her frustrations and decisions but never ponders whether they made sense, in retrospect. I didn't quite understand why she didn't hire more help, since resources were not a problem. To me the greatest value of the book is the author's candor in sharing her personal response to grief and her ability to take joy in "steering her own course" and find a renewed life after the loss of her beloved husband.

I enjoyed this book very much. As a cancer survivor, it was interesting for me to see the other side, what the care giver goes through. I was never as bad as Randy was, but this type of book needed to be written. There is nothing in the medical field really to help the ones who have to help the ill and how to cope with their moods and needs. If you know someone going through this, give them the book. It might help them a little.

In reading this book I felt the Author devoted most of her story to the trials she suffered from having to take care of her terminally ill husband and her children. I understand the role of caregiver is difficult but not every one has a Nanny, family and friends at their beck and call. She didn't know how she was going to be able to take care of her 3 kids without the help of her husband and them after his death the nanny leaves. What will she do? I didn't feel like the story told how to dream new dreams as the title suggests. Most everyday people take care of their own family without outside help. The Author is just a whiny entitled woman I can't relate to.

Having lost my firstborn son to SIDS, I found this book wonderful, especially having read The Last Lecture. I can now understand the trials of being a caretaker. My husband has a chronic illness and I see some of what Jai speaks to, but not all. I highly recommend this book to anyone, because we never know our path in life.

I have followed the Randy Pausch story since 2007 or so and I remember thinking we never heard very much from his wife, Jai. This book is not just her story but it highlights the need for support for caregivers in our society. Her feelings of inadequacy at taking care of so many different things during her husband's illness was palpable. I bought it hard cover (I rarely buy books hard cover) and it was worth every penny. Although I am not and have not been in Jai's position, I know others who are caregivers and I will definitely be more sensitive to what they must be going through themselves.

I think Randy would be so very proud of you Jai.

Though I started out reading every word of the book, I found that it did not hold my interest for at least half of the book. It gave some wonderful information and insight to those who have pancreatic cancer, those affected by it, and those who are caregivers. The end got a little dragged out, I think, though I did appreciate the book.

Wonderfully inspiring read. Jai as a caregiver went through so much and came out fighting, still dreaming, and an inspiration for all of us. I believe in dreams myself, but she energized me with this book to do better, to be better! Love it!

I was prepared to really like this book...I thought it would be sad, yet inspiring. Instead, I found it to be unemotional and I could not like either the wife or the husband! From the very first chapter I thought, "I don't like these people, and I don't really care what happens to them. The wife whines about exhaustion from the start - a lot of people remodel their own homes, have three chidren - yet these two complain and they have a nanny, a contractor, and supportive families. Plus, they have money, good insurance, and jobs! The husband sounds cheap, controlling, and cold. He's so unemotional...don't read this looking for inspiration for cancer patients or their caregivers...it's about a self-centered couple who happened to go through a cancer death. Poor children! I get the feeling his videos were for himself and this book is all about herself!

This book, like most cancer memoirs, hits on the absurdity that cancer produces. Yes, patients and their families do enter a vast community of fellow sufferers, but rarely can one feel so isolated, so surrounded by high walls, as after a diagnosis. And yet Pausch's vital message for all caregivers -- that life will go on because it must and it will.Thank you for writing this book.Well done!

This depressing book proves that some things are better left unsaid. The wife of The Last Lecture guy pulls back the curtain on what life was really like, and in so doing reveals a very different picture of the "perfect husband and father" that Randy Pausch wanted to be remembered as. It's hard to understand why she would write this--she tells things about him that are so private and demeaning that they tarnish his memory. Her new husband (her third) certainly must not feel good by how she states that Randy was the only person she experienced "magic" with and the only one to ever make her feel certain feelings. And I pity the children when they grow up to read this, especially the youngest who Randy wanted to give up for adoption!

I won't go through the list of things that are wrong with this couple but will say that I do not respect how they acted as parents. In one case she claims to struggle with whether to abandon her three small children for two months to become Randy's caretaker in far-away Houston or stay with the children. Never mind the obvious solution of bringing the whole family to Houston! Or using the money they have to get help (she states they were set financially for life and says they employed a nanny--so why not utilize what they already had to keep the family together?). She gives up on her kids and stays by her husband's side during treatments. Some will applaud this but it's hard to believe such highly educated people could not perceive the long-term damage to abandoned children, even if there were no short-term consequences.

And in the saddest section of the book she writes, "I don't recall Randy saying he missed the children during the time he spent in Houston." He was gone two months and never once said he missed his kids? That's just not normal and an indictment of a bad father. There are many other examples in the book where he was more interested in achieving his personal playful goals (with her support) while ignoring his children.

After about 50 pages I really didn't want to read any more. She certainly is putting her inner-most thoughts on paper, but it makes her very unattractive and unsympathetic. It's whiny and filled with self-pity, making her sound like a psychological basket case. She says her goal is to be a role model for those struggling with being caretakers and suffering loss, but instead she lacks the ability to inspire. Instead the book feels like a way for her to go through self-therapy while making quick money off his name. Randy, too, doesn't shine in this--he was a workaholic who was a control freak, cared more about intellectual solutions than feelings and left town for one week a month without prioritizing his family, not the ideal husband and dad.

It will, in the end, make you rethink The Last Lecture and realize that it was fantasy, like the Disney and virtual kingdoms that Randy was so fond of. The "secret" ending of The Last Lecture was that it was done entirely for his children--yet in one book their mother pulls the rug out from under them by not letting his memory rest in peace. His wife did nothing to improve his legacy but actually diminishes it by revealing very unattractive reality.