Six Steps to Hope and Healing for Struggling Parents

I have been dealing with an adult niece (daughter of my deceased brother) for 2 years now. Unbeknownst to me, I had become an enabler to her on and off drug use and in general. This book spoke straight to me--gave me so much insight about how to deal with her from this point on. Highly recommend to anyone whose heart is breaking after trying to "help" your dysfunctional adult children!!

Both books were written with such excellent intent. However, I found that my adult child didn't have a problem. I had one worrying about it. The books gave me peace of mind. and I discovered that God and I and my Adult child have been on a very special journey already - all because Heavenly Father is at the head of it. I know, if I keep him as my author and counselor - all will continue well.......Thank you for inquiring and for getting these books to me so quickly.

Julie Adams

Wow I just thought my situation was bleak...I now realize it really could be worse. This book gave me some necessary insights and hope that I too can change me and my attitude toward my family circumstances. Just the definition of helping vs. enabling was an eye opener. Thanks Allison.

Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children is one in a very long line of books I've read to gain strength and courage to cut my Adult Child loose. It will also be the last I'll ever need. The angst and confusion from running beneath my drug abusing son for so many years with a safety net trying to show him 'the way' has finally ended thanks to the reality bites found here. Throwing love, forgiveness and money at a child who refused to take the reins on his life was no solution; and the realization that we'd been treating our 22 year old as a priority when he saw us only as an option was a painful one. Takes guts to own the truth that much of what we'd done was to spare ourselves the pain of his consequences rather than detach with love and allow him to bear the full weight of them alone - but this book called us out on having done just that. We are now prepared to love our adult child unconditionally but back off and allow him the dignity to live life as he chooses without interference, 'advice' or our checkbook. The game plan set forth in the book is simple, but not easy - You will learn, however, that nothing changes if nothing changes, and the change must start with parents first.

This book definitely helped me see that I had been enabling my child w/o even knowing.
I has suggestions on how to stop this behavior. It is not about us but the lives our children
must learn to cope with.

It goes into detail about how enabling is actually crippling your adult child. Words I really needed to hear. I also recommend "Boundaries in Life" by McCloud/Townsend. Excellent resources for people who struggle with boundaries/guilt.

Anyone having issues with adult children wanting to stay on your payroll needs to read this book. It helped us stop the bank of Mom & Dad with our 30 year old son and forced him to become responsible for himself and his 2 children while going through a divorce. When we enable our adult children it cripples them.

Setting Boundaries As Allison vividly shares her personal story I was able to identify with her feelings of a hurting heart. Any Mom, Dad, or Grandparent that has an adult child that has or is living a life away from God's umbrella of protection must read this book.

Bottke writes as a Christian, primarily to Christians struggling with boundaries problems and enabling behaviors in their adult offspring. She tried to fix her son. Bottke's 6 steps spell SANITY, no doubt meant to celebrate her return to same after a long period of enabling her adult son. She devotes a chapter to each of these 6 steps: Stop your own negative behavior, Assemble a support group, Nip Excuses in the bud, Implement rules and boundaries, Trust your instincts, and Yield everything to God. This process is not easy, nor is it guaranteed to turn your child around, but it will restore your sanity!
In his 30s now, Bottke's son remains an addict, but Ms Bottke no longer takes responsibility for his behavior or allows him to determine her happiness and purpose in life. This is a major victory for her; one you will be able to relate to if you have a similarly irresponsible adult child.

This book is a must for anyone with older children. I recommend reading this if you have teens in the house. There is no going back, but I really wish I'd had this knowledge when my kids were in their early teens. It is never too late to establish these much needed boundaries! We have made so many changes and I know our adult children will be better for it.

Extremely helpful - we think we are helping at times yet we are enabling. When our "children" hurt, we as parents hurt! However we need to know the fine line between "helping" and enabling" them. A must parent read.

This book got me thinking more about my responses to the behaviour of my teen and adult children. I can't change their behaviour but I can control my response. Most importantly I can trust God to work in a situation. No solutions here but encouragement for the future.

TH\his holds many good thought provoking concepts with some key phrases to keep with you always. Some parts are not applicable to those who are not involved with serious drug and other addiction problems but overall there is much good to be gleaned from it. I will keep it for reference.

Are you in pain from watching your adult child repeatedly make bad choices? Destructive choices? Are you always there to help them out? To lessen the blow of the consequences? Is it becoming a never-ending cycle? I purchased this book a few weeks ago when I joined a study group based on Allison Bottke's Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children. Week by week, it has been an eye-opener. The book is not written by a psychologist - - - - it is written by a mother who has walked the journey that many of us are walking with our adult children. It's not a book full of words that weigh you down while you try to analyze every little thing that went wrong (or may have went wrong) during the growing-up years. It's not a "feel good" book either! It's a book that will slap you with the cold, hard truth and offer practical steps to get your sanity back. It focuses on the HERE and NOW. Some are just now beginning to see the problem with their adult child (under age 20) and some have been on the never-ending cycle of enabling their child for many years. I can't recommend this book enough, and I especially recommend either joining or starting a study/support group and buy the study group kit from her website. Then get a highlighter and a box of tissues, sit down and go through this book and get to work changing YOUR life.

Just began reading and applying the principles. Improvement already experienced. If you are struggling like many parents of today's adult children, do you and your marriage a favor to pick up the book. Of course, you will need to read it and apply it. May God bless you and your boundaries that ultimately get your adult child to become a functioning adult no longer surviving off the backs of mom and/or dad.

The author points out many Christian views and her personal experiences with her own Adult Child which makes it an excellent read for those seeking advice. I was at first skeptical about purchasing this book because there are other similar books on this subject available but now I know it was the best decision I made. If you are in need of sanity in your life please purchase and read this book you won't be disappointed.

I'd recommend this to anybody struggling with letting go of adult children. Well written, wtih personal stories and an action plan. I am working through this with a counselor.
As I have it on my Kindle, the only problem I have is the page numbers don't show up, so if my counselor refers to something on page ___, I have to look around to find the reference.

If faced with the problems as stated in this title, then this is a must read. It pulled me out of some really dark places with my child. I still go back and read certain places to make sure I don't get lost in life.

I have to agree with other reviewers regarding the amount of Christian references & ideologies present in this book. I am agnostic, and although I do think the book has value in it's basic contents, to read about praying for my adult child or believing that everything will ultimately work out because God is in control is not particularly helpful for someone like me. These ideas are not just sprinkled throughout the book here and there--almost every page has some sort of religious sentiment on it. For Christian readers, this book would probably have a profound effect (which is wonderful), but I do believe it is somewhat to the exclusion of readers of different faiths or those who are agnostic/atheists. I pretty much ended up skimming through the paragraphs, skipping portions that I felt did not apply to me. I was still able to glean some helpful suggestions from it despite the fact that my faith is not in alignment with what was presented in this book, so if I could give it 3.5 stars, I would, but I am rounding down to 3 stars since half-stars are not an option.

Every page in my book is highlighted with my yellow marker. I felt like Allison, the author was reading my mind.
Excellent step, by step plan to set boundaries with adult children. I will read it over and over again.

Just the book I needed. It gives great reality based ideas to help me with my relationship with my daughter. All the ideas presented apply, but certainly the reader can pick and choose what applies to your individual situation. I highly recommend this book.

For parents struggling with adult children, please read this book. It is a must read. I passed the book along to a coworker who is currently reading it and sees herself in the book. If you can bless someone with the insightful knowledge that you have attained, then that is wisdom passed on.

Awesome book. Helped me very much with my dituation. Going to trad it again. Any mother with a grown daughter should read. I don't feel like tge "only"mother who takes crap from daughter. Not a fix all but a very good read.

This author offered good advice about learning to let me allow my adult children be free to make choices and enjoy or suffer the consequences. I have three boys raised by the same parents in the same house the same rules,,, only one is determined to waste his life and break our hearts. As difficult as it will be, this book has given me the courage to withdraw financial support and replace it with love and faith it will all work out. The choice will be my son's, not mine. It will probably be the most difficult but rewarding thing either of us has ever done. I appreciate the author sharing her heartache in order to help others. I plan on immediately rereading this book as often as necessary to be successful.