How to Find Your Voice and Reclaim Your Hope - The Emotionally Destructive Marriage

This book is very thorough and must be read through slowly or gone back through, probably more then once to get full benefit from the advise given. It is spot on that both parties must be willing to change their behaviors to be successfully improve their marriage.
It is Biblically based but doesn't give the pat response that a wife must stay in an emotionally abusive relationship if the husband hasn't been physically unfaithful.
Her advise is based on over 30 years as a counselor and it shows. Very sound advise!

A bit hardcore. The religious angle is ok, but not as practicle for folks who don't feel like using faith as blind as is suggested in sections of the book. Some people are mean and difficult while hiding behind religion.

This book is very thorough and must be read through slowly or gone back through, probably more then once to get full benefit from the advise given. It is spot on that both parties must be willing to change their behaviors to be successfully improve their marriage.
It is Biblically based but doesn't give the pat response that a wife must stay in an emotionally abusive relationship if the husband hasn't been physically unfaithful.
Her advise is based on over 30 years as a counselor and it shows. Very sound advise!

A bit hardcore. The religious angle is ok, but not as practicle for folks who don't feel like using faith as blind as is suggested in sections of the book. Some people are mean and difficult while hiding behind religion.

Even if you don't think you have a bad marriage, this book is an eye-opener to the ways in which we participate in destructive behaviors. It is not a "scary" book, you won't read it and bump into anything that will be too frightening to read about. However, I will caution you, you might not be the same after reading it! She has done great research and her theology is sound, if that matters to you. This is not a book that will urge you to jump up and act right now, in fact, she does just the opposite and encourages thinking well ahead of action. Knowing what you are about, listening to yourself, is of utmost importance to the process that she outlines. There is nothing too hard in this book, everything is possible, and it gave me great hope, even in the midst of great pain.

Good resource for teaching you to communicate with a spouse who doesn't realize how hard it is for you to express concerns to them. Also this book can be used to reaffirm why your marriage didn't work out.

I normally don't read "self help books." this book is the best book ever. It has really helped me in my marriage. you don't have to feel alone or defeated.
The shipping was pretty fast and the book was in new shape

I normally don't read "self help books." this book is the best book ever. It has really helped me in my marriage. you don't have to feel alone or defeated.
The shipping was pretty fast and the book was in new shape

I'm not really sure what the point of this book is. I admit I haven't read this from cover to cover. But, as I browse through it...it's abundantly clear that it is written as if there is only one party involved in the emotional abuse. And, as such, it's written as if the husband alone is being abusive. There doesn't seem to be any balance in considering that the wife can also be emotionally abusive. The book offers no inward reflection that makes the reader take into account their own actions. It presumes the husband is the monster and the wife is exclusively the victim. But, as we all know..".it takes two to tango". Consider...if you're a wife...and your husband seems angry...YOU might be the cause of that anger! That doesn't justify an escalation of hurtful words. But, if you start the day by cutting your husband down...how do you expect he'll feel? If you insult him and belittle him...YOU are being abusive. And if YOU can go through weeks, months and years without apologizing for your treatment of him...guess what...your coldness and lack of empathy and refusal to acknowledge your own actions are damaging and abusive.
Have you withheld a smile from your husband to "teach him a lesson"? Have you refused to offer any (non-sexual) affection as you make demands of him? Have you disparaged him in front of your children? Do you make him feel guilty for even the smallest act of kindness you do toward him? Are you only kind toward him when YOU are getting your way? "I will act lovingly toward you ONLY if you do things my way".
This book doesn't address any of those reciprocal actions...and as such is miserably unbalanced. Others are very correct in saying that reading this book is a great way to tear apart your marriage.

Can be a very helpful book where both husband and wife are willing to do the hard work of repair. However, the language used in certain sections of the book leaves the door for divorce wide open for any wife who just wants out of a difficult, not necessarily destructive marraige.

One of my counseling patients was reading this and recommended it. I hadn't heard of the author. But now I am a fan. She's got the blend of compassion and realistic faith that gives women hope and options. It does seem to be slanted towards women. I just wish I had a men's version!

This book is probably one of the most FULLY insightful books I have read into an abusive marriage and spouse. The authors advice is applicable and practical. As a therapist myself, I frequently recommend this author and have found her books to be right on target. I don't believe she offered any false hope. Change is possible, but requires hard work on both parts, unfortunately the abuser may not want to work hard or ever change. The book is written for those in this type of relationship. It offers hope, clarity, and above all truth, which is often distorted in the mind of the person being abused. Anyone in this type of relationship should seek professional help from someone trained in dealing with an emotional abuser. This book is a starting point and tool for those in abusive relationship, not a fix-all which the author never claimed. I have found this book to be one of her best and I appreciate her insightfulness and truth!

The information written in the book is useful but female-centric attitude of the book puts the blame squarely on the husband. He cheated, he yelled, he abused. For this reason I gave the book 3 stars. Women can be vicious and mean spirited as any male and maybe more so because they in general are more skilled in the matters of Interpersonal relations. This sometimes can leave a male confused and alone. This one sidedness left me with a feeling that males are the blame for every wrong in a marriage which is not so. If a book is to heal a marriage both sides must learn to work together. One sex cannot be blamed for all wrongs In a marriage. Women can physically and emotionally abuse men. Where is the help for us?

When I was married in 1996, I was never going to get divorced. I'm a Christian, and divorce is simply for people who don't work hard enough. Right?

My husbands charm faded into control and manipulation, and then into criticism and condemnation. I tried everything. I asked for counseling, I tried different tactics of speaking or working. I gave up my hobbies and my friends. I moved away from my family. It was never good enough. I justified to myself the verbal and emotional abuse my children were suffering. I justified the physical abuse... until I couldn't any more.

I listened to Vernick's book on audio. In my car, really, because if he'd known I was listening to this book, it would have provoked a crazed rage. At any rate, I found what I needed to be able to leave.

The church in general needs to become better educated about abuse and the NEED for divorce in certain circumstances. Until then, at least we have a handful of books to educate and support women in situations like mine.

As for the detractors, this book is not telling women to give up and just leave her husband. There are several steps defined to define boundaries and use church leadership well before that point. The church needs to realize that adultery is not the ONLY justification for divorce. Women like me aren't looking for excuses. We are dying inside. Trying to do our very best to honor our vows and God. We are bullied by the church and others who have loud opinions without insight or real understanding of what women like me have experienced. And to comment that some women will just use this book as a lukewarm justification for their unjustified want to end a marriage is utterly asinine. Those sorts of actions are not the responsiblity of the author. And how dare anyone suggest that it is more important to prevent "those" such women from divorcing over the safety of women and children is downright offensive.

If you are earnestly seeking a path to a difficult decision (to stay or go), this book will be helpful. Non-Christians might not find it as helpful as I did, as the "operating system" used to make such decisions is not the same. It helped me. My decision to divorce was the most difficult thing I ever did, but I'm grateful that I had a resource like this one to walk me through the path to what was right for my family in God's eyes.

From the reviews and Dr Dobson recommendation I expected this book to have good advice and scriptures to support it.
It wasn't what I expected at all, and I felt it was a total waste of my money and time.

Leslie Vernick is a counselor and coach who specializes in helping people in destructive relationships. This book comes from over 35 years of counseling experience - her wisdom and compassion will help you come to terms with the truth of your situation and provide steps/guidance on what to do.

I came from an emotionally destructive family and then to my utter dismay, realized that I married someone who was also emotionally destructive. Being a Christian, I struggled to find people who could see the abuse and would help me deal with it in wisdom and love. Well-meaning pastors and friends told me to submit and trust no matter what it was doing to me. But I knew that if I did that, I would lose my sanity and probably my safety.

I was quick to blame myself and I couldn't put words around what was happening to me. All I knew was that my spirit was being snuffed out, and no one seemed to understand. Because I didn't have physical scars, it was very hard to explain. When I talked to people about it, they seemed to be more interested in preserving the marriage than protecting my dignity, sanity and safety. It was terrifying, isolating, disappointing and confusing. I felt like I was going crazy. And, I felt like I had no solid ground to stand on.

Leslie's book reaches out to people in these kinds of situations. She takes you through a set of questions to help you identify what is wrong. Then she gives you tools to become emotionally stronger so you can keep your sanity and deal with your situation in a healthy way. And, then she walks you through the difficult steps of confronting while protecting yourself and your children. Leslie doesn't tell you to stay at all costs. She gives you steps on how to safely leave or safely stay, depending on what you need to do. And she helps you prepare for the consequences either way. I have never seen a Christian counselor so honestly and realistically deal with both outcomes. And, she doesn't say it is ungodly if you need to leave. She doesn't heap shame and guilt on your already battered soul. You can sense when reading this book that Leslie doesn't deal with this topic lightly, but she knows the consequences can be dire if we ignore our own safety and sanity and that of our children.

This quote really spoke to me, "Do you think God is more interested in preserving your marriage than the well-being of you and your children"? Hopefully both would be preserved, but Leslie recognizes this isn't always possible. If you have been searching to find realistic and straightforward guidance on how to handle the terrifying reality of being trapped in an emotionally abusive marriage - don't go another day without reading this book so you can begin to change your situation. You are not alone - there is help and hope.

This book has a few truths in it but I wouldn't recommend to anyone. Most of it is very biased and leads a woman to feel hopeless. If you are in search of help I would highly recommend Emerson and Sarah Eggerichs book and DVD, Love and Respect. Too many marriages simply look abusive because males and females do not understand each other. God has a design and beautiful plan if we take the time to know it!

I think this book is destructive to the woman, who after years of abuse, control, and manipulation, finally builds up the courage to say "enough". I understand how important it is to salvage a marriage, and as wives, stand up to be the catalyst for change in our husbands. But, again, this book minimizes the effort it took to even stand up and admonishes an abused woman to just be that Godly wife. Any woman who is looking for real answers, should instead read Lundy Bancroft's book "Why Does He Do That". I couldn't believe how much my husband was like the men that were described and it really explained what I couldn't previously put my finger on. Abuse isn't always so blatant as you would think.

Having grown up in the Christian community, I've heard and even given my share of marriage advice based on the Bible. Looking back, I see that some of it wasn't healthy or even biblical, but based more on a spiritual list of what we'd imagined a Godly wife to be. The problem with that list was it prioritized an ideal more than realism, and many women suffered needlessly, thinking it was "for the cause of Christ".

This book put into words many of the thoughts that have been seeping into my mind about such advice lately, pointing out that emotional abuse is real, and that ignoring it or being a good enough wife doesn't make it go away. Beginning with an explanation of the difference between an disappointing marriage and a destructive one, the author clearly points out how to determine which you are dealing with.

She then spells out what is present in a healthy relationship and a destructive one over the next few chapters, before launching into the practicality of dealing with an abusive marriage. Throughout the book, her explanations and advice are backed up with biblical references and spiritual understanding. She recognizes the misguided counsel that exists within some Christian circles and explains why this is not consistent with God's Word. Especially helpful is the information found in Appendix B, "Five Common Mistakes People Helpers Make".

Not only would this book be a great help to anyone in an abusive marriage, but it should be required reading for every pastor, Christian counselor, or ladies minister. It is the most practical I've found in dealing with problem marriages, and I wish I'd found it years ago. Several circumstances come to mind when I've listened to a hurting wife explain what she's going through, distraught and tearful as she told her story. The practical checklists and explanations found in these pages would have helped define the level of severity of what was happening and outlined action steps for dealing with the problems.

The author's website is full of extra resources that correspond to this book and to relationships in general. Dozens of free articles and videos provide relevant information, as well as her blog dealing with the topics of this book and relationships in general. She takes time to answer reader questions and deals with tons of sticky situations, such as all those special cases filling in the "Well, what if...?" question.

I listened to this as an audiobook read by the author. A few minutes into the introduction I realized there was a lot of information I'd like to be able to reference for later use. I ended up taking notes throughout the whole book, outlining key points and the action steps for each chapter. Had I not chosen to do that, I would definitely have wanted to buy this book in print form after listening to it.

It was necessary to rewind often, as the author read very quickly through some sections, and I had a bit of a hard time making out what she was saying. Something that bothered me as well was when she changed her voice to imitate someone speaking through tears or whining. It may not be an issue to someone else, but it began to grate on me after the first couple of times hearing it. Apart from that, her passion for helping hurting women caught in destructive cycles shows through in her voice.

**This book was provided to me through christianaudio's Reviewer Program in exchange for my honest review.

The Emotionally Destructive Marriage by Leslie Vernick is a book devoted to help women in particular deal with marriages that have become destructive. It contains a wealth of advice for women to identify damaging behaviour, how to respond to criticism wisely and options to leave if the situation is not improving or even getting worse.

It documents many cases with varying degrees of emotional and verbal abuse and possible solutions as well as pitfalls that make the situation worse rather than better. There are additional resources that can be accessed through the website to assist people as much as possible. That is one of the best aspects of this book, that the author has a great desire to ensure that these sort of troubled marriages are greatly improved and become the marriage relationship intended by the Bible.

Personally, being a man, I found parts of this book very disturbing that men could be so cruel to people that confess to love and should be looking after not making their life harder. This is a book that I will hopefully never need but as the world is getting darker there are bound to be women coming into the church in these situations that will need help, which is when this book will be a great resource.

The narrator was the author herself, which I think was important for such a troubling issue as marriage abuse because she could convey her message with the love, courage and emotion that was needed for such a sensitive topic. I thought she was quite easy to understand and the speed of the reading wasn't too fast for me to follow.

This book is a must for women who are in destructive marriages where their husband is verbally, physically or emotionally abusive towards them. It would also be good for people trying to help these women, so they can give them good advice.

This audio book was gifted as a part of the christianaudio Reviewers Program in exchange for my unbiased review of this work. More information can be found about this and other Christian audio books at christianaudio.com.

Just by looking around and observing, it is obvious, every marriage has its struggles. Some are more noticeable than others. Most good marriages are due to working through ups and downs and compromising. But... what if you are not sure if your struggles are "normal"? What steps do you take to find out whether the patterns exhibited in your marriage are destructive? How do you move towards healing or decide whether to stay or leave? Many times a spouse feels trapped in a marriage and has no idea how to improve their relationship.

In Leslie's book, she divides the subject into three parts:

Part 1: Seeing your marriage clearly - Sometimes it is hard to figure out if your marriage is destructive or whether you are just facing a small obstacle that needs to be worked out. Leslie will help you through a series of questions and examples decide what kind of marriage you have. She also reminds her readers about how God sees them, and that no matter what they are facing - He cares!
Part 2: Change begins with you - An important part of improving your relationship is Reality Living. Instead of spending all your energy trying to change your spouse, it is important to assess what you can actually control - yourself. How are your own actions or attitudes contributing to the destructiveness of your marriage. Do you see yourself as God sees you? Are you keeping your C.O.R.E. healthy so you can address issues without unnecessary drama? (If in physical danger - do you have a safety plan in place?) You cannot change your spouse... but change can begin with You!
Part 3: Initiating Changes in your Marriage - Sometimes you may need to be the one to initiate changes in the marriage. After getting healthy yourself, you can work on implementing what you have learned. Some changes may be - learning to speak in love, standing up for yourself, setting boundaries, or even creating some "space"...
Whether you decide to stay or leave, Leslie's goal is that you be healthy emotionally. Some marriages cannot be repaired, others can with the right tools and alot of work. If you are struggling emotionally this book may be for you. Leslie uses God's Word to help point her readers in the right direction. I gleaned much good information from this book. As always, God's Word must be your foundation and all of man's ideas need to be tested against what He says in His Word.
I received this book from Blogging for Books program in exchange for my honest opinion.

Author Leslie Vernick, a licensed clinical social worker and relationship coach, has worked for more than 30 years helping individuals, couples and families rebuild and grow their relationships. In her newest text, THE EMOTIONALLY DESTRUCTIVE MARRIAGE, Vernick guides women through the common mistakes and unbiblical thinking that has so many suffering silently. She engages her audience with sound biblical truth and practical means to address even the most problematic areas within their marriage.

Though Vernick could be addressing both men and women, she chooses to focus on helping women suffering within the confines of abusive marriages. She has laid out her text in three parts. In "Part 1: Seeing Your Marriage Clearly," readers will better understand if they are in a destructive marriage; learn the three essential ingredients necessary to a thriving relationship; recognize the five patterns that destroy relationships and damage people; and discover where God is in this painful place.

"Part 2: Change Begins with You" will find readers zeroing in on specific principles for making lasting changes within themselves; understanding how trying harder becomes destructive; how to build your core of inner strength; and making wise plans to confront a spouse who is abusive. In "Part 3: Initiating Changes in Your Marriage," women will learn how to speak up in love and stand up against the destruction; determine next steps when there is no obvious change; identify necessary changes for a marriage to heal; and restore the destructive marriage.

Each and every chapter is replete with real life stories of women who have faced emotional suffering and abuse within their marriage relationship. Vernick shares the conversations she has had with them and gently leads them to reflect upon their situations from a new and truthful vantage point. Once women see the damage being done against them (and their children) and how they aren't living out their purpose as brave and courageous helpmates to their spouses, Vernick offers the steps to change.

Not only does Vernick help women identify abuse as it occurs, she also shows them why it is biblically wrong to allow such abuse to continue. With gentle care and strong biblical admonition, she supplies everything women need to be equipped to take steps to free themselves (and their children) from the clutches of abuse. Even the most dismal relationships can be healed when women first stop the cycle of abuse as outlined throughout this resource and their spouses begin to make change as well.

Vernick's commitment to marriage is evident throughout every chapter, and she always encourages women to work on repairing their marriage with wise and prudent steps before giving up. Given the subject matter, Vernick's text could be construed as difficult and dismal reading; it is not. In fact, her skill at turning even the most horrendous situation into something God can transform into something beautiful will encourage and hearten every reader who opens this book and studies its contents.

Reviewed by Michele Howe

I had received an advance copy of this book in order to review. I wasn't sure if I'd like it or not, especially because my marriage is not "on the rocks", but I love reading and was intrigued by the idea behind this book. So many Christians stay married because it's "the right thing to do", but abuse is a real and scary thing. I was also skeptical that this would be an easy guilt-free escape guide to let people give up on healthy marriages just because...and I think that already happens too often in and out of church. After reading this, I only wished it had been written ten years earlier for my mother. She stayed in an (emotionally) abusive marriage and it was terrible for everyone.

I think it would be great for all young women to read so. They learn these abusive signs BEFORE they marry. Men as well though! I want my children to know these things. Maybe I'll lend it to them as teenagers to prepare them. The quiz is wonderful and simple to follow. This author truly has a heart for this cause and her hard work shows. Even though the author is Christian, like myself, I think it would be helpful for non-Christians as well. She says nothing offensive and focuses on fixing marriages, not on trying to save your soul.

Excellent eye-opener to the fact that not all marriage issues are the same; therefore should not be counselled the same!!! Thank you, Leslie for identifying this & educating us!!! It can be damage on top of destruction & has happened to so many women who go to their church leaders for support.

Too little of what Leslie Vernick writes in “The Emotionally Destructive Marriage” is accurate, fair or Biblical. She purports to help struggling marriages. I fear her advice will only hasten the destruction of families.

Christ taught that all are sinful and can only be saved by through his Grace. Yet in Leslie Vernick’s world wives have virtue and their husbands have vice. She concedes in her introduction and on a Focus on the Family radio broadcast that husbands are also victims of spousal abuse yet centered her book on wives anyway.

No question, the husbands Leslie describes are truly monsters. They are bullies, thieves, adulterers and addicted to porn. I have no sympathy for them. Indeed, their abuses extend well beyond the emotional dimension suggested by the book’s title. Had Leslie simply called this book “a Christian wife’s guide to dealing with an abusive husband”, I would have little ground for criticizing her.

Tragically, there are angry, embittered, self centered wives who face no true abuse, yet will employ to the qualifier “emotional” as a handy means claiming victim status. Some will elaborate or even invent examples of “abuse” to justify their feelings. Leslie touches on this problem but only tangentially. The emotional abuse she describes from woman’s perspective could apply equally well to man’s. She even advises women not to use the term “emotional abuse” when approaching church staff about their marital problems. Instead, she recommends citing specific offenses. I suspect many claims of “emotional abuse” will unravel under scrutiny.

Leslie counsels disgruntled wives to identify the problem their marriage as their husband, seek the inner strength necessary to confront him, and then wrestle control of the marriage from him. May I humbly suggest there is a different, Christian model, for the resolution of conflict in marriage? Christ teaches the husband and the wife to turn to Him, accept His love, and then turn to each other with a heavenly love that transcends our self centeredness. Leslie has some good advice for wives in truly abusive marriages. Unfortunately, her words can too easily be misappropriated by unhappy women in low conflict marriages who are more interested in divorce than reconciliation.

The Emotionally Destructive Marriage by Leslie Vernick is an important book for women who feel trapped in destructive and dangerous relationships. As a women's ministry leader, I decided to review the book and gather a better perspective on women in these situations. I've read several of her books and each one has a powerful message. In this book The Emotionally Destructive Marriage author Leslie Vernick begins with a series of questions to help you discern if you're in an emotionally destructive marriage. She writes "An emotionally destructive marriage is one where one's personhood, dignity, and freedom of choice is regularly denied, criticized, or crushed. This can be done through words, behaviors, economics, attitudes and misusing the Scriptures." The next step in the process to understanding is journaling your experience as you read the book. The book is a must-read if you think your are in a difficult marriage and feel powerless because of your husband. As you work through the chapters in the book, you'll learn five patterns that destroy a relationship and damage people. Then Leslie teaches you how to build your core and how to respond in an effective manner. If what you have tried in the past is not working, then this book is certain to help. By the time you finish the book, you will also have the wisdom to decide if its time to stay or time to go. While some marriages heal and come together, others may remain destructive and it's important to have a safety plan in case you need this. I'd recommend this book for ministry leaders, along with the book How To Act Right When Your Spouse Acts Wrong by Leslie Vernick. Though you can't change your husband, you can change your attitude and your approach in communicating with him. Seeing the marriage from a Biblical perspective and through the lens of scripture is a must for any Christian woman. Find out how by reading these books. Even if you are not married, you will still benefit from reading these books. Highly recommend for single women too!

I received this book free from the author. I was not required to write a positive review and the opinions I have expressed are my own.

Before I got this book and took her quiz online, I couldn't make decisions anymore. I could barely drive. My body had broken down and I was very sick from the stress of living in a destructive marriage. I had never been validated that my marriage was destructive despite years of Christian counseling. I honestly thought I was crazy and needed a straight jacket. After reading, I started a journey that helped me take my eyes off of marriage as the goal. I fixed my eyes on Christ alone and have grown into trusting Him through anything and everything. It helped me see the lies that I was believing. One lie was that deep down I really thought I was responsible for his behavior and all of his feelings etc. After reading this book, I'm now experiencing the freedom and love that God wants for me. Highly recommend this book to anyone who thinks they might be in an emotionally destructive relationship.

This has been so helpful to me. Before this book, I didn't know that God loved me more than He loves marriage. I thought that abuse counted as the "for worse" in the promise made to God at the time that I took my vows. Now I know that God loves me and that if my husband is unapologetically hard hearted, abusive, dishonest, critical, criminal, and vicious that I must protect myself and my child. I also must not protect him from the consequences of his behavior.

Leslie Vernick has written an excellent book to help women see if they are in an emotionally destructive marriage. A quiz is given to help women determine exactly where their marriage stands. Tips are provided to help women to change in healthy ways, to gain the skills they need, and to stay safe. Each chapter offers a prayer and an action step for the women to take. Leslie has been counseling individuals, couples, and families for over 30 years, and this book truly shows women how to set boundaries and break free from emotionally destructive relationships. I recommend this book for anyone in an potentially unhealthy marriage or relationship.

This book is absolutely amazing and a must have for any person struggling in a marriage. While it's target audience is women, Leslie does a great job in letting men know the subject matter applies to them as well. My only regret is that I didn't find this sooner. I strongly believe that any counselor, christian or not, should have this book. Furthermore, I believe this book is a must have for any person involved in church leadership and counseling. This book will equip the reader with tools necessary to breakthrough and overcome a destructive marriage. Leslie very clearly helps to distinguish a disappointing marriage from a destructive one. She very clearly identifies emotionally destructive behaviors and patterns and provides a clear guideline on how to address a marriage that is suffering from emotional and physically destructive behaviors. I read through it once pretty quickly and realize this is the kind of book one should keep in the back pocket and re-read frequently.

I am a woman who is a survivor of over 25 years in a abusive destructive marriage and witnessed my children being destroyed. I have also survived a mother who physically and emotionally abused me as a child. I accept the part that I played in this marraige and the decisions I made that contributed to this life path. I hurt my children deeply and wounded myself.During my Healing Journey I have been to a secular counselor, Physicist, Christian Counselor, books, therapy groups, Pastors, Priests. My children went to therapy during this marriage. I had a stay in psychiatric in house hospital given 30 years of medicine and drugs for my so called emotions and disorders.My point is this it truly has been amazing how when I got a hold of Leslie Vernicks first book and now this POWER HOUSE book on Destructive Marriages something happened different. MY Identity changed. The book is so filtered with aspects of the word of God which along with my Biblical Studies did the work I needed in ME .This is not a simple new book about a genre.I have read many books. I have ordered 25 copies for my ministry group.Teaching her principles for 4 years has already freed so many women and I see alot of Fruit in their lives. This new book that I just introduced has given HOPE and is filled with tools which have been already productive within my group and the lives of these woman in a short time span. It is not about the degrees you have or the mighty work you have been doing it is about change in lives. This book helps you understand YOUR identity is not in what happened to you or what people did to you or your children or what anyone condemns you for. Proverbs tells us to get council from many and take from all what is right and good. Well I have seen explosion of changes in woman in bondage freed to be who they are and not fear to speak. Woman who have found there true Identity and Voice. Changes are what these woman desire they do not care about diplomas, degrees or education. The impact on the lives of others that produces change is enough evidence of this POWER HOUSE BOOK for me. The women could not put it down. Jackie S. Thank you Leslie

Apart from the Bible, this has been the single most helpful and practical resources I've read. I highly recommend this book to anyone who thinks they are in a destructive marriage. Not only will you be equipped, you will be encouraged and affirmed. If you are like me you will also have your eyes opened to areas where you are/might be contributing to the destruction. I will be returning to the pages of this book regularly to be reminded of what my role is and what my actions should be to work towards restoration of my marriage.

I will be recommending this book to women in difficult marriages, for two reasons: 1) Her words are solidly rooted in the bible. She highlights scripture that is relevant for abusive relationships, which other authors or pastors ignore or overlook. 2) She understands the dynamics of abusive relationships, which enables her to provide practical, relevant, and biblical counsel to women in destructive marriages. This combination of good theology and practical insight is unparalleled by the other Christian authors that I have read.

Leslie recognizes that despite the most sacrificial efforts on the part of one spouse, some marriages, due to the hardness of one spouse, will not change. She does not sugarcoat this reality, but speaks truth to it. This book is not about "fixing" your marriage, but about identifying it as destructive, strengthening your identity and rootedness in Christ, and giving women the knowledge, tools, and practical wisdom to make strong, intelligent decisions for the good of their family.

Leslie will not make decisions for you. She places the responsibilty for making tough choices on the women who are in destructive marriage. She points out that while the advice of pastors and counselors is often well intentioned, they do not have to live with the consequences of their counsel. Some women will defer to their husbands or pastors, and end up regretting these decisions after they have led to continued abuse, destruction, and sin, sometimes even endangering their children.

Some of the practical advice Leslie provides is how to set up a safety plan, how to be prepared when talking with your pastor, tips on consulting with a lawyer, and a step by step plan on how to confront your husband. She also advises women not to do this until they have developed CORE strength, a process that can take months or longer. She provides an extensive list of additional resources in the back of her book.

I highly recommend this book to women in destructive marriage, as well as pastors, counselors, mentors, or friends of those who are in destructive marriages. I wish every pastor would read this book to gain insight into the painful realities that women face in destructive marriages.

This author is addressing some very critical issues both that the subject matter exists and that the church largely ignores it. Domestic violence is very "sticky" business; I have found that the churches I have been in really do not want to deal with such things or they do as the author writes "tell the woman to go back and submit to that man" nonsense. BTW, I saw that first hand in my parents marriage! I recommend this book--highly.

In many Christian circles, emotional abuse especially in the marriage context is often minimized or overlooked, yet its impact creates deep wounds that tear down a person's spirit. In the Emotionally Destructive Marriage, a framework is established to guide, educate, and reveal more definitive aspects of emotional abuse. Leslie's exceptional questionnaire provides a measuring tool to assess one's marriage.

A comparison of the essentials of a healthy relationship gives the reader a basis to move from their "normal/familiar" to one that is God's intention for the marriage relationship. Too often our culture and family of origin have not provided good examples of how relationships should work.

There are many choices and decisions that need to be made as one comes to face the reality of the destructive components. Suggestions and examples are given in the book that could be applied as an action step. Too often the Christian community does not place a high priority on the victim's safety and sanity. There is a greater emphasis on saving the marriage at all costs. Leslie biblically addresses issues like these throughout her book.

A prayer and action step at the end of each chapter guides the victim into moving forward in the midst of chaos and confusion. God will provide a way where there seems to be no way.

For 18 years, I have counseled women who experience abusive relationships. It is so encouraging to me to finally have emotional abuse addressed from a biblical perspective. We will use this book as a resource in FOCUS Ministries, Inc. and recommend it to those we serve.

Paula Silva, President/Cofounder of FOCUS Ministries, Inc.

I can't say enough about this book. It's written from a Christian perspective which I highly appreciate. This book will challenge you to take a good hard look at your relationship to analyze if it's worth working at or if you should seek to get out.
If you're being mentally, emotionally or physically abused, I highly recommend you getting it. It will help change your situation. I got this book for free from Waterbrook Multnomah's site.

I wish I had this book about 15 years ago! I've struggled for so long, not knowing what it was I was dealing with. This isn't the kind of information that gets discussed in church or even out among girlfriends (for reasons she discusses in the book). Words can't say enough about how helpful this book is if this is what you're living!

If you're wondering if this book is for you, check her website at [...]. She has videos that are sort of an intro to each chapter. I watched the videos while I was waiting for my paperback copy to arrive, and I found those very helpful. The book goes into much more detail and is extremely helpful.

I also recommend this book to counselors and pastors. The ones I met with on this journey definitely didn't understand what Leslie shares here!

How I have waited for this resource to give to those in great pain in their emotionally abusive marriages. Though both genders experience abuse, Leslie has written this resource for women to help them know how to cope or how to separate. A test in the first chapter will help them identify if, indeed, they are in an emotionally abusive marriage. Emotional abuse is serious, for reckless words, Proverbs tells us, pierce like a sword. These women need help just as much as physically abused women need help. I am so thankful for Leslie's expertise, gifting, and compassion. If I could give ten stars, I would.

Dee Brestin

The Author admits she has never been in an abusive marriage and it shows through clearly. This book advocates for confronting one's abuser and trying to get him to see the moral error of his ways. With abusers, who typically have multiple Axis II characteristics, this advice to confront any abuser is not only ill-advised, but possibly lethal. Even an abuser who has never been physically violent in the past may become so if directly confronted. Additionally, women are given the hope that abusers may change when there is no empirical evidence to support this. If women continue to hope for change, they put themselves and their children in unnecessary danger. Not okay. Skip this book as it is sure to offer ineffective and disappointing advice.

This book was very good. A friend recommended me to read this. I would recommend this book also. I like how Leslie doesn't just say "Oh the woman is provoking her to have her man to anger." I also appreciate that she looks at the whole picture of a relationship and not just here and there type of thing.

If you are a religious person who reads and believes the bible then this book is for you. If you are married to a person who regularly dominates, demeans, degrades, deceives or dismisses you and you are a religious person who believes in the bible, then this book is for you. Since I don't fall into the category of either, it was a waste of time!

Incredible book which helps to determine if a marriage is destructive or just disappointing, a survey to determine which types of abuse are in the marriage and step by step instructions on how to improve an emotionally destructive marriage. A great tool for counselors and a great read for those in ministry as well.

simply put all marriages are emotionally destructive unless they are surrendered to the glory of God in Christ. This book is a great excuse for person to validate their anger at the shortcomings of their spouse. This book is descriptive but not prescriptive (all description with no meaningful help). Please read only if you want to give up on your marriage. If you want to grow in the purpose of marriage read This Momentary Marriage by John Piper or Strengthening your Marriage by Wayne Mack, or When Sinners Say "I Do"

First let me say that Ms. Vernick has certainly put her finger on a very real problem in relationships in our day. However, what she then offers as a solution I can only describe as a carefully crafted wresting of scriptures out of context mixed with a good bit of modern psychoanalysis. The overall result is a book which I am certain will do much more harm than good. I could go into detail and cite numerous examples here, but time won't permit.

It's unfortunate that this book is not commendable because so many are unwilling to admit the kinds of destructive behaviors that Ms. Vernick describes and Biblical resources to help seem to be few and far between. All I can recommend is that you keep looking. This is just another great example of the mixing of the doctrines of demons with that of the Bible - the seduction of Christianity and ultimately the destruction of marriages.

I love listening to books in audio format and was thrilled to discover that the author of this book was the narrator... I feel like its more personal when the actual author of the book is the one reading it to you.. In this case I do not feel like Leslie Vernick was the best to read the story.. At times it was hard to keep up with her because she reads really fast.. I found myself having to repeat a few sections just to get the words in..

When I first saw this book I was thrilled .. it looked like a nice book that I thought would help my marriage.. I was surprised to discover it was a book that focused on Women who were abused..The author even specifies in the introduction that this book was written for woman only, and not men.. The book seemed to bash men .. and i really didn't enjoy that. I have a good marriage although not perfect it is certainly not abusive.. .. I didn't really get anything out of this book.. but i believe there is a lot of useful information for woman who are struggling in an abusive marriage..

I was given the opportunity to review this book through christianaudio Reviewers Program (christianaudio) [...] ..

Leslie Vernick's The Emotionally Destructive Marriage is written for the individual or couple that is characterized by emotional dysregulation that is or borders on abuse. Many marriages are, at best passively emotionally abusive. Years often go by seeking and waiting for change. Vernick's book will likely be helpful to many.

Vernick's book is balanced in many ways. She stresses care of self, while encouraging personal responsibility. This is an often overlooked aspect when considering change in an emotionally abusive relationship. Vernick is wise to graciously help the reader look at ways he or she can take responsibility for change.

My primary concern is that the book seems to point the reader to self more than to God. There are instances when Vernick considers this, though in the midst of suffering, looking to God should be of primary importance. The gospel changes everything, even enabling one to endure such suffering as in an emotionally hurtful marriage.

See to it that no one takes you captive by philosophy and empty deceit, according to human tradition, according to the elemental spirits of the world, and not according to Christ. For in him the whole fullness of deity dwells bodily, (Colossians 2:8-9)

The Emotionally Destructive Marriage
Leslie Vernick
Colorado Springs: Waterbrook Press, 2013
978-0-307-73118-0

(All Bible quotations are from the English Standard Version, unless otherwise noted. Page numbers from Vernick's book are given in parentheses.)

Leslie Vernick has a Masters degree in Clinical Social Work from the University of Illinois, and has received post-graduate training in Biblical Counseling and Cognitive Therapy. She is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in Pennsylvania.

What is Cognitive Therapy?

Vernick is a practitioner of Cognitive Therapy (CT). CT is a type of psychotherapy developed by American psychiatrist Aaron T. Beck. CT is one of the therapeutic approaches within the larger group of cognitive behavioral therapies (CBT) and was first expounded by Beck in the 1960s. CT is a type of psychotherapy in which negative patterns of thought about the self and the world are challenged in order to alter unwanted behavior patterns or treat mood disorders such as depression."

CT has its roots in two sources. Wilhelm Wundt, "the father of experimental psychology" who founded "the first formal laboratory for psychological research at the University of Leipzig in 1879"; and Sigmund Freud, the father of psychotherapy.

The Naturalism/Atheism/Behaviorism Connection

Psychoanalysis and Psychotherapy are theories that are derived from the philosophy, or worldview, of Naturalism, “the belief that nature is all that there is.” Naturalism in its psychological application is called Behaviorism. CT is a variety of Behaviorism. CT is a philosophy of man, not of Scripture.

In his presidential address to the American Philosophic Association in 1954, Ernest Nagel gave this summation of the theory of the Naturalism upon which Behaviorism is founded:

The occurrence of events, qualities, and processes, and the characteristic behavior of various individuals, are contingent on the organization of spatio-temporally located bodies, whose internal and external relations determine and limit the appearance and disappearance of everything that happens. That this is so, is one of the best-tested conclusions of experience….There is no place for the operation of disembodied forces, no place for an immaterial spirit directing the course of events, no place for the survival of personality after the corruption of the body which exhibits it.

Nagel's points are clear. There is in Naturalism (and therefore in Behaviorism) no sovereign God who directs all things (and hence no Theology, thereby eliminating a biblical Anthropology, the doctrine of Man in his origin and constitution), and nothing knowable as an afterlife (hence, no Soteriology, the doctrine of salvation).

The Bible or Behaviorism?

That the Bible teaches differently is accepted by all Christians. Or, it ought to be. The Bible is replete with statements that God is in control of all persons and events, and that all men are destined to live into eternity. These are ideas that are most needed to maintain healthy Christians, and biblically healthy (sound) marriages. Such ideas have a significant impact on our worldview that it cannot be an understatement to say that our views on this things will have an impact on the way we interpret Scripture.

The basic anthropology of the Bible is summed up well by John Calvin in his Institutes, Book 1, Chapter 15, Section 2. The section is so germane to the subjects of God's sovereignty, a proper anthropological understanding, and Behaviorism, that the reader would do well to read it in its entirety (not given here).

…there can be no question that man consists of a body and a soul; meaning by soul, an immortal though created essence….Christ, in commending his spirit to the Father, and Stephen his to Christ, simply mean, that when the soul is freed from the prison-house of the body, God becomes its perpetual keeper... It is true, indeed, that men cleaving too much to the earth are dull of apprehension, nay, being alienated from the Father of Lights, are so immersed in darkness as to imagine that they will not survive the grave; still the light is not so completely quenched in darkness that all sense of immortality is lost….the mere knowledge of a God sufficiently proves that souls which rise higher than the world must be immortal… while the many noble faculties with which the human mind is endued proclaim that something divine is engraven on it, they are so many evidences of an immortal essence.
…when the author of the Epistle to the Hebrews distinguishes the fathers of our flesh from God, who alone is the Father of our spirits, he could not have asserted the essence of the soul in clearer terms. Moreover, did not the soul, when freed from the fetters of the body, continue to exist, our Saviour would not have represented the soul of Lazarus as enjoying blessedness in Abraham's bosom, while, on the contrary, that of Dives was suffering dreadful torments. Paul assures us of the same thing when he says, that so long as we are present in the body, we are absent from the Lord. Not to dwell on a matter as to which there is little obscurity, I will only add, that Luke mentions among the errors of the Sadducees that they believed neither angel nor spirit.

Scripture makes God's sovereignty and Man's eternal destiny essential to understanding Man and his future entrance into eternity. Behaviorism denies these truths. The Atheism inherent to Naturalism and its psychological consequent, Behaviorism, denies the Bible is truth. The Bible has no authority in Atheism, Behaviorism, or any other philosophy constructed by men, and this is at the crux of the warning of Paul in Colossians 2, quoted above.

The Christian will remember that Man was created first as a body, which was not animated until God gifted it with life (Genesis 2). A Christian will also remember that 15 centuries had passed with Moses' body in the grave where it decomposed, when he appeared in the Transfiguration (Luke 9), talking with Jesus and Elijah. If these things did not happen in history, the Bible is false. Behaviorism pitches its tent on the denial of the immaterial, while the Gospel is dependent on it.

This lengthy introduction to a review of Leslie Vernick's book The Emotionally Destructive Marriage is necessary so that we begin with some right presuppositions. The impact of Behaviorism and Cognitive Therapy on some of Vernick's theology will be noted.

Christians who marry Behaviorism with Christianity compromise the Bible. Referring back to the quote from Nagel, we understand that Behaviorism denies the immaterial. God, his glory, sin, redemption, and a plethora of other teachings that cannot be empirically proven are discarded by Behaviorism, which thereby reveals that it is contrary to revealed truth. Therefore, any theory of behavior modification that Behaviorism puts forth'even and especially when married to Scripture'is flawed from the outset.

Narrative

It is necessary to address the literary device of narrative that Vernick and so many others utilize in the thousands of books available in the area of Christian psychology and counseling, because the use of narrative is such a suggestively powerful literary device. One could postulate a biblical presentation of the doctrines and practices of the church based solely on the Bible, or he could choose, as Vernick does, to use narrative, which is based on things she says "are disguised except for those who have given me their real names. Some stories are composites to illustrate a specific point." (4)

By using narrative as a device, Vernick buttresses her arguments for emotional abuse, countenancing the permissibility of separation, and divorce, based on her subjective interpretation of events, real or imagined (what she calls "composite"). Proleptically making appeals to Christian faith (the objective) with (her word) "disguised" history (the subjective) may seem to make for a very strong argument, but the fallacy of this method lies in the recognition that history is only descriptive, while the imperatives of Scripture are proscriptive'for marriage and all other areas of life.

History tells us what was, not how things ought to be. Only the Bible, the word of God, can tell us what ought to be in the areas of ethics and morality. Behaviorism has no authority in these areas, if in any area at all. The Bible alone is the rule of faith and practice.

The Loaded Question, Complex Question

It appears to me that Vernick assumes women who want to get free of what they consider bad marriages are reading her book to find justification for doing so. Vernick's presentation aids this, rather than guards against it.

Phrasing a question or statement in such as way as to imply another unproven statement is true without evidence or discussion is a logical fallacy known as the Loaded Question, or Complex Question fallacy. This fallacy often overlaps with begging the question (another fallacy), since it also presupposes a definite answer to a previous, unstated question.

The usual example of the Loaded question fallacy is, "Have you stopped beating your wife yet?" The hidden presupposition is that you have been taking beating your wife. Such a question cannot be answered with a simple "yes" or "no." It is not a simple question but consists of several questions rolled into one. In the example the unstated question is, “Have you beaten your wife in the past?” followed by, “If you have beaten your wife in the past, have you stopped beating her now?”

"The intelligent procedure when faced with such a question is to analyze its component parts. If one answers or discusses the prior, implicit question first, the explicit question may dissolve."

When Vernick asks the reader certain questions there is the obvious assumption that the wife has done little or nothing to contribute to the sinful patterns that have developed in the marriage.

For example, a husband and wife cannot agree on staying at a certain church. They both have what each believes to be sound and biblical reasons for their position. For both of them, the lack of resolution leads to frustration and the sin of anger. (According to Brian Schwertley, men tend to externalize anger, and women to internalize it.) If the couple has a history of disagreeing on matters of importance to the family, they both may become frustrated if the question of church attendance and affiliation is not resolved agreeably, and begin to express their frustration. The wife may insist on her will, disregarding his (or so he has come to believe). It isn't his wife's responsibility if he doesn't handle it well. Yet, the husband is responsible to answer to God for the spiritual state of his family, so he continues trying to reach a resolution. He as well as she believes that there is not mutual respect, reciprocity, and freedom as guided by Scripture. He becomes angry and expresses it openly, and she becomes angry and internalizes it. Both are sinning.

Along comes Vernick who asks her, "Are you in an emotionally destructive marriage?" (7) Any contributing factors to a sin-problem that are prior are swept away. They both are in sin, but the wife asks the husband for a separation after working through the following:

"6. My spouse uses the Bible to criticize me or get me to do something he wants me to do." (18)
"13. If I don't agree with my husband or do what he wants, I have a price to pay." (19)
"17. My spouse disregards my needs." (19)
"27. My spouse refuses to listen to my point of view." (21)
"32. My spouse has injured me." (21)
"51. I feel crazy in my marriage." (24)
"52. I feel trapped in my marriage." (24)
"53. I don't feel I can be myself in my marriage." (24)
"56. I feel tense around my spouse." (24)
"57. I feel angry around my spouse." (24)

It is clear that Vernick's phrasing lends itself to determining "the other guy" is in sin and the reader is not. Vernick encourages self- justification, rather than submission to God's Word, and repentant self-examination. To lovingly confront what we judge to be sin isn't forbidden, but to be in unrepentant sin while admonishing others to repent isn't granted by Scripture. It is hypocritical judging:

Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye. (Matthew 7:3-5)

What is a right remedy? Perhaps it is a repentant and humble return to understanding the nature of the marriage covenant, wherein we pledge to give all for the sake of another, and risking the possibility that the other will not do the same.

Two passages on the subject are Matthew 19:3-9 and 1 Corinthians 7:10-11. First, Matthew 19.

And Pharisees came up to him and tested him by asking, “Is it lawful to divorce one's wife for any cause?” He answered, “Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.” They said to him, “Why then did Moses command one to give a certificate of divorce and to send her away?” He said to them, “Because of your hardness of heart Moses allowed you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so. And I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery.” (Matthew 19:3-9)

Jesus is clear: man shall not separate the married, except for infidelity.

The other passage is in 1 Corinthians 7.

To the married I give this charge (not I, but the Lord): the wife should not separate from her husband (but if she does, she should remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband), and the husband should not divorce his wife. (1 Corinthians 7:10-11)

Paul and Jesus agree: separation is unacceptable. The spouses should be reconciled, and that is the only goal they should prepare for. Later in her book, Vernick will erroneously counsel her readers to obtain a lawyer, contrary to Paul's teaching that a Christian should not go to law against a Christian (1 Corinthians 6:1-8). She encourages other activities in preparation for a separation that are to be kept hidden from the spouse.

Thirdly, Matthew 18 contains clear guidelines for reconciliation. The words of Christ should be followed.

It was difficult to even begin reading The Emotionally Destructive Marriage. The title itself is loaded with meaning. If Vernick's purpose is, as she states in the Introduction, "Hanging On by a Thread", "to heal and…bring true restoration to your destructive marriage" (2), why are her presuppositions that some marriages have "terminal cancer" (1), and that "pastors, Christian counselors, friends, and lay leaders" are "putting an extraordinarily heavy burden on a wife's shoulders…to maintain a loving and warm relationship with a husband who treats her with cruelty, disrespect, deceit, and gross indifference"? Vernick's says "It's not feasible, nor is it biblical." It isn't feasible, or biblical, to ask a spouse to suffer for righteousness sake? (We are not referring to preserving oneself from danger, or the consequences of adultery or desertion.)

Writes Vernick, "Every marriage has the potential to become destructive because we all are naturally selfish and prideful. Every married couple experiences some frustrations, hurts, unfulfilled expectations, unrealized dreams, and unhappiness throughout their relationship. How we respond to those disappointments can mature us and draw us closer to God and to one another, or we can let those disappointments destroy us and our marriage." (14)

Without a doubt the last two sentences are true, Sin, and sinful circumstances, can separate us from God and one another. But, is it true that "marriage has the potential to become destructive "? Not at all. Sinners sin, and sin that it is not addressed can destroy, but Vernick's subtlety in the first sentence quoted from page 14 (above) is not accurate.

It is inaccurate because God made all things good, including marriage. Sin attacks the good of the marriage institution. When sinners marry (all the married are sinners) they risk damaging one another. The marriage does not damage them, but the sin does. Such a distinction is critical to properly understanding our roles in restoration and forgiveness. Such a distinction cannot be made by Vernick, perhaps, because her "professional training" was apparently deficient in its emphasis on the sufficiency of Scripture.

What does God say about a wife's relationship to her husband when he is not acting Christianly? When he is sinning against his wife and family because he is not walking in God's ways? (The admonitions can apply to both parties.) More importantly, why doesn't Vernick go to these types of Scriptural passages from the outset instead of waiting until after the reader answers the quiz, "Are You In An Emotionally Destructive Marriage?" on pages 18-24?

The quiz is bent towards the pre-determination that the marriage is emotionally destructive. Poll questions crafted within an agenda will produce the result desired. As Jay Adams has said "'In counseling, as in every area of life, you usually find what you are looking for." (The Big Umbrella [Phillipsburg, NJ: Presbyterian and Reformed, 1979], p. 50). This is one point where the impact of Behaviorism and Cognitive Therapy on Vernick's theology is discernible. In assessing the quiz, we find it is in fact skewed towards Behaviorism in that Vernick uses the words "describe, indicate, indicators" and even the ambiguous term "crazy-making". This psychological term (not a scriptural term) accords also with her usage of "abuse, abusive, abusive tactics, controlling abuse, dependency, coercive, coercive control, toxic, etc." (25, 26)

Leading the reader, Vernick then recommends the spouse hide their thoughts from their mate, for causes of fear and worry (anxiety, contrary to Philippians 4:6).

In handling her husband's sin, Vernick counsels women to:

1. Keep a record of wrongs. "Write down when and where he berates you, what words he uses to demean you, what actions he does that scare you, or what specifically he's done that has left you feeling abandoned." In justifying her position Vernick denies that 1 Corinthians 13:5 prohibits this: "Sometimes women are told, '[Love] keeps no record of wrongs' (1 Corinthians 13:5, NIV). They feel guilty documenting these problems and exposing their spouses' behaviors to get support from others. This verse doesn't tell you to forget about what happens. That could be very dangerous. This verse tells you not to keep score. Not to allow your anger and hurt to harden your heart with resentment and bitterness that make you feel entitled to retaliate."

In the ESV the verse is translated, "[Love is not] …rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful" (1 Corinthians 13:5)

Vernick is right in her exegesis at this point. However, the middle part of the verse says love "does not insist on its own way." Here is where Vernick makes a telling omission as she continues to encourage wives to engage in four actions'two of which are destructive of reconciliation and create further separation, rather than lend themselves to unity. These actions are

1. Consult with a lawyer. (126)
2. Get your own bank account and credit card. (127)
3. Talk. (127-128)
4. Pray. (130)

Once again, the juxtaposition of these items is telling us that Vernick's behaviorism is wagging the dog. Why not Pray, Talk, Act?

As a husband, I desire my wife to explain to me her actions. I may (and do sometimes) disagree, but if I am only asking for my wife to communicate with me That isn't a sin.

It appears that Vernick's justification lies in the assertion, "He is not in control of this situation; you are." (156) This explains her omission of the words that say that love "does not insist on its own way" when commenting on 1 Corinthians 13:5.

Hence, my assertion that Vernick's counsel ends up being unbiblical in advising the first two actions. If a wife reasonably explains what Vernick is advising her to do, one might charitably hope and expect that the husband would say (as I have done) "I do not think these actions are necessary", and it might also spur him to the repentance desired. Vernick leaves no room for this until after the fact, after the actions are taken.

This may be due to the fact that Vernick's teaches that it is the right of a wife to exact a penalty for sin from her husband. She mentions Jeremiah 4:18, which states, " “Your own conduct and actions have brought this on you. This is your punishment. How bitter it is! How it pierces to the heart!" Verkin's denies the treatment is punitive, but she takes away with one hand what she gave with the other.

The punishment comes in forms of "possible consequences" for the wife to enforce:

1. End a conversation. (158)
2. Refuse to drive anywhere together. (158)
3. Exit a situation when he is escalating. (158)
4. Initiate church discipline. (158-159)
5. Withdraw sexual privileges. (159)
6. Separate.(159)
7. Call the police. (160)

None of these consequences done with charity and for substantial reason, except the physical separation, are without substance. We reap what we sow.

What makes Vernick's suggestions objectionable is in the secrecy she enjoins, and in placing communication with the husband within the context of the wife's control. The very objection used to justify the subjective assessment that the marriage is "emotionally destructive", characterized as " coercive control" (26), is then given by Vernick's as a right to the wife (again, page 156: "He is not in control of this situation; you are."), and what husband would not be emotionally destroyed by this vengeful approach?

The Bible teaches that Christians are a people under Christ's reign that have received mercy (1 Peter 2:10). Because we are the recipients of mercy, we are to exercise mercy.

Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy. (Matthew 5:7)

The “merciful” are those who understand their own need for God’s mercy. Because they understand their true position of weakness before God, the “meek” (Matthew 5:5) have a humility that translates into treating others with kindness, not vengeance. By quoting Jeremiah 4:18 Vernick is teaching her readers to take God's place in judging the sins of his people. In verse 12 of Jeremiah 4, the Lord says "it is I who speak judgment upon them." Vernick puts herself in God's place, teaching her readers to put themsleves in the place of God.

Writes Dan Hamilton:

Vengeance in the Bible is described in detail, hoped for, prayed for, promised. And it is left securely and solely in God's hands. He has reserved it for himself. There are reasons for this. James tells us that "the anger of man does not work the righteousness of God" (1:20). When I was young, I helped my father build things in his workshop. I could do some of the work and use some of the tools, but I was reminded, "Keep your hands off the power tools. They are good tools, and useful in my hands to do what I want done, but they are too powerful and dangerous for you to use."
Revenge is a spiritual power tool fitted to God's hand alone.

God is in control of vengeance; when we exact payment for the sins of our spouse, we are failing to exercise forgiveness and striving to control another person by the withholding of it.

Remembering that Naturalism in its psychological application is called Behaviorism, and that the former, by virtue of its root, denies implicitly that an immaterial spirit may be in control, Vernick denies'implicitly'that God is in control. Therefore, she assigns that control to the wife.

It is irrational when we are told that somehow the illness will now become the cure. This contradiction displays that her integrationist melding of Behaviorism and Christianity lacks cohesion, revealing that it is not friendly to Christianity, which is consistent in all of its tenets.

God's consistent instructions for handling sin in marriage are of a different construction and methodology.

Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct. Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear—but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious. For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening. Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered. (1 Peter 3:1-7)

At earlier points in her book Vernick, as someone trained in Biblical counseling, has the perfect opportunity to address both spouses. Instead, she acts the part of the Clinical Social Worker and focuses on behaviors. Again, this is a capitulation to Behaviorism and Cognitive Therapy. She even goes so far as to put a prayer in the mouths of her readers that focuses on the consequences of sin rather than deliverance from it: "God…I want to know your wisdom and your ways so that I am not destroyed by the pain I am in." (27) This, too, is in agreement with her adoption of Cognitive Therapy and Behaviorism. True to the pop-psychology counseling movement, she deals with the symptoms by starting with problem-centeredness, rather than Christ-centeredness. She is man-centered, not God-centered. Her starting point is of the utmost importance because Vernick is (perhaps unintentionally) denying that God is sovereign, and has ordained in his decree the difficulties we experience, which work for our good and his glory (Romans 8:28).

While Vernick assumes pastors and others are incompetent when giving counsel to wives who believe their marriages are emotionally destructive, she fails to apply the proper remedy from God's Word from the outset, and maintains this erroneous approach throughout the book. The incompetence to counsel is actually Vernick's problem.

In 1 Peter 3 and other verses we have God's answer to sin in ourselves and our spouses. All Christians are to trust God, and avoid sin.

Peter's mention of adorning may easily be applied to both spouses. Superficiality is to be avoided. Women, falsely attacked and allured with the world's ideas of appearance, are admonished to humility in showing respect to their husbands and being pure in their own conduct.

In verse 7 of 1 Peter 3, men receive similar counsel, albeit worded differently, when they are admonished to be understanding of their wives. Neither wives nor husbands should "keep up appearances" regarding their marriage, pretending it is healthy by God's standards. They are instead to do their God-commanded part regardless of whether their spouse does or not.

The gospel works from the inside out, resulting in humility and modesty precisely because of the inner security of a heart captivated by Christ.
Of course, the humble submission commanded of wives is complemented by the exhortation to husbands to exercise humble and gentle authority (1 Pet. 3:7). A husband’s leadership of his wife is meant to be a picture of Christ’s sacrificial lordship over us, driven by selfless love, full of grace, and aimed squarely at another’s benefit and joy. Christ himself, the eternal Lord of the universe, is “gentle and lowly in heart” (Matt. 11:29). Christian husbands are called to this same heart. The word used to describe the “honor” they are to show their wives (1 Pet. 3:7) is from the same root as the word used to describe the “honor” emperors are to be afforded (cf. 2:17).

Vernick's approach from the start sets up a negative atmosphere that is problem-centered and man-centered. God's method is to start with his glory in the face of Jesus Christ, emphasizing his forgiveness and grace. Vernick's approach is to ferret out every weakness of the spouse and confirm her suspicions that the marriage is emotionally destructive. This is especially evident in the wording of her assessments (e.g. 18-24, 36-37,89, 101).

What is mentioned over 550 times in the Bible? Love. Hmmm... Boundaries. 41 times, all regarding land boundaries. 0 times to define a human relationship. The term boundary is defined as "that which divides." If someone crosses your boundary there is a consequence, right. Or the boundary, law, is of no use. Let's apply this principle of setting boundaries, or consequences to Jesus. You sin, he removes you from His presence, pushing you away, stops a relationship, puts up boundaries you are doomed to break. No. Sorry. That was the Old Testament, the Law. That is why Jesus died to redeem us, it was a underserved gift, while we were yet in sin. Read Col 2:13-14. "When you were dead in your sins and in the uncircumcision of your sinful nature, God made you alive with Christ. He forgave us all our sins, having canceled the written code, with its regulations, that was against us and that stood opposed to us; he took it way, nailing it to the cross." Yeah, I know. Grace. Crazy stuff right. So ok to abuse someone? No, may it never be. Get with your pastor, get with other couples in church, get it out in the open!! Get others involved, get help, sound like the original church? Or get out until the right people are involved. Accountability. I know, not fun. But darkness hides in the dark, alone. Get someone who knows the truth of the Grace Gospel in your life. Get a law abider and you might as well crucify your mate now.

I have read a lot of books on this subject, but this is one of the most helpful books I have ever read on this subject. She is empathetic and encouraging leading you every step of the way. She gave me the confidence I needed to behave in a less reactive way. I know I will come back to this book again and again!

I am a women's ministry leader and am so heart broken at all the messy marriages the church at large is facing today. I have purchased dozens of Kindle and hard copy versions of this book to give to friends and church members who are hurting and in an abusive home environment. Leslie empowers a woman who is in a hard place with TOOLS for her toolbox, as well as gives practical tips she can do to help lift herself up emotionally and spiritually while she works on trying to survive and figure out her next steps in her unhealthy home environment. I will continue to buy this for any Christian woman I encounter that needs some help finding her voice and knowing that Jesus loves her in the middle of her marital discord. This book used in conjunction with Christian counseling is a power combo!